I know I’m attracted to girls, but I just don’t know about boys… There’s definitely something of an attraction there, but there’s also still a part of me that detests that which is buried deep. I think it’s also only like a super specific kind of guy that I’d be interested in, but it almost seems like my “type” is kind of also just what I wish I was, if that makes sense? Like, I like femboys, they’re cute, but I sort of wish that could be me? I don’t know, I guess I deny myself being that mostly because of how I’ve been raised, in the Canadian equivalent of the Bible Belt, by very homophobic parents who I still live with.
I really wish I could just get a fresh start, try and live as who I really am, but I don’t have the means to do so, so that’s kind of just a pipe dream. Even if I get a fresh start though, I’m not sure that I could even accept myself for who I really am. I also just don’t really have the body for it, I’m really tall, and I love working out and getting stronger, so I’m pretty muscular. I love my body as it is, but it feels kind of weird for that to be my body. I don’t know, maybe it’s not quite right to say I love my body, I more so admire it, if that makes sense.
It all feels so alienating, like I’m an abomination. How could I expect anyone to love me if I can’t even fully accept myself, hell, when I don’t even know who or what I am? It also doesn’t help that I’ve always struggled to make friends, and honestly, I wouldn’t say I have anyone I can consider my friend right now. I really just don’t have anyone to talk to, especially not about this stuff.
Thank you if you read this, just had to get some stuff off my chest.