We are fostering a little 5yo boy until just shortly after Christmas (as of now). After, he will go back with bio mom most likely but she says she will not want all of the extra stuff coming with him. I think space is the main issue. What do we do about wanting to make his christmas memorable, getting equal presents as our other kids, and also not wanting to give him things he may not get to keep? I tried to put smaller gifts on his list like magnatiles and legos im not even want those coming home with him. Tv is big in their house so not as many toys are needed.

I’m a single, 45-year-old gay guy and now the foster dad to two amazing teenage boys. Both came from a group home where I was volunteering at.

During the discharge process fo rthe first kid I was so green to it all that I just accepted things. But during the process for the second kid, I realized that a lot of what I was seeing was not right and became concerned about what I felt was actual neglect going on at the facility.

I compiled a timeline and about 15 specific action items, from incorrect prescriptions I’d been given to one boy accumulating 68 school tardies and failing math because the facility’s van routinely ran 30 minutes late.

At my meeting with administration, they glossed over those concerns and fixated on the picture I took of one of them being discharged with his belongings in trash bags. The entire conversation became centered on the damn black plastic bags...how many were there, did staff seem aware that they were being used...and ended up with them asking that I not share any photos of the boys on discharge day (well, too late...those already made it into last years Christmas card).

Im sitting here, thinking about all the stuff these kids needed in their life and how living in a group home forced them to just have such a crappy go at it all...but truly the facility did not seem to care about the big issues, just the dang plastic bags. Yes, kids deserve proper luggage. They also deserve the correct medication and to get to school on time.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of selective concern?

I’ll try to keep this brief. My and my husband’s elderly neighbors welcomed two foster sons into their home a couple months ago, 5- and 10-year-old brothers. My husband and I have become pretty close with them and have them over two days a week to hang out, play video games, etc.

Last night, the 10-year-old came to our door crying and hyperventilating because his foster dad slapped him in the face. Our understanding is that he and his brother were fighting, the younger one bit him (he bruised and broke the skin), older one shoved him, younger one fell and hit his head on the tile (he’s okay), foster dad slapped older one. Somewhat related, the 10-year-old had a bad day at school and got suspended earlier that day.

I comforted kiddo while my husband talked to foster dad. Kiddo was obviously scared and said he doesn’t trust either foster parent anymore. The foster parents are going to tell DCF what happened.

My questions are, what is likely to happen? Will the kids be removed from their home? And should my husband and I do more, like reporting it to DCF ourselves?

Thanks in advance.

Can anyone explain why kids in foster care - especially infants, toddler & young kids- are having to be driven hours to supervised visits? I had a courtesy driver/visit supervisor, contracted in Illinois, to transport kids to visits, tell me she drives one kid 4 hours (one way) to weekly visits- an 8 hours round trip! Why aren’t the adult parents the ones being made to take these long car rides instead? It makes no sense to me to put these kids through this, especially when the adults aren’t even employed. Even if they are employed, why not do it on their day off? Anyone else dealing with this?

I have a three bedroom house. One bedroom is for the kid and the other is my sewing room where I’ll be locking up all sharps/medications/cleaning products. Any thoughts on what kind of lock for the room would be easiest to get in multiple times a day? I was thinking of a doorknob with a key or a keypad.

Edit: I’ll be fostering a teen around 16.

This post is more of a request for recommendations for therapists who do virtual appointments (so basically anywhere in the US), and who might have experience with caregivers. This is my first placement as an FP, and I realize you could never be fully prepared but…For context I’m a single FP, no other children in house. I accepted placement for a teenager.

I have a support system but I’ve come to realize in a short time that I need professional counseling for MYSELF as I go through this journey with FD who has emotional disorders.

That’s the long and short of it. I appreciate this sub, it helps many of us realize we’re not the only one experiencing the same things. If you want to DM me personally with your recommendations, feel free to do so. Many thanks!

Our FD 9 tried to kill herself on the weekend.

I don't have the energy to say much else, but like... Anyone else been through it with this kind of age? Anyone have any recommended resources? Helpful words or mindsets?

Yes the house was secured for suicidal risk items, she brought something home from an activity. She seemed to be in a fine mood. She only had 5 minutes unsupervised where she ingested it. Very impulsive. Got lucky, no damage, but spent 3 days in hospital. On a waitlist for increased psych support but have about as much in place for her as we can where we live.

My partner and I are close to licensure, and are a queer couple. I’m someone who likes to have a lot of info, read about people’s experiences, etc.

I’ve been trying to find podcasts, substacks, communities to follow to get a better feel of what we may experience, how to meet the needs of kiddos on our care, and so on, and I’m having a hard time finding these things outside of a religious lense.

I’d love recommendations on ways to build community and resources that don’t have a focus on religion.

Unsupervised visits have been granted a month before TPR(have already had pretrials, trial date is set) even with social worker and GAL fighting against it... Has anyone experienced this? Judge told bio they don't want them to get their hopes up because the hearing for unsupervised visits dealt with a shorter time span and TPR will be taking everything into consideration from the beginning of the case. But i can't imagine a move to unsupervised so late in the case without the plan being to reunify?

Hi, my wife and I are considering fostering, but we are also considering just going ahead and adopting a child who is legally free for adoption. I’ve always wanted to foster, but there have been many barriers and now, I’m at a point in my life where I would like to give a child long term stability rather than a transitional safe space. I’m wondering about considerations going straight to adoption. I’m wondering about others experiences with adopting from foster care. Thank you!

Do you encourage them to entertain themselves for part of the weekend, or are you always available to spend time?

Birth mom needed a few years to get life in order. Honestly never thought it would even happen. But now she does.

We're in different states. How will that work?

Our foster daughters have experienced repeated removals, including being returned to their mom and removed again less than a year later. As we learn more, our concerns include:

* A reported history of many years of maternal drug abuse, with both girls testing positive with high levels in a hair test the day after placement.
* Frequent school changes, approximately every 4-6 months.
* No kindergarten records located so far, no preschool attendance, and attendance for only 79 out of 174 days of first grade.
* Reports of significant abuse and witnessing domestic violence by their mom toward her boyfriends, including a frightening incident involving their mom harming herself.
* Housing instability.

We are also seeing concerning behaviors. Last night, the older child was telling her younger sister to hit her hard so she could tell on her, then instructing her sister not to reveal that she had told her to do it. We are concerned about what these behaviors may reflect. They are both starting therapy next week.

I understand every case is different and that reunification can happen when a parent makes lasting changes. Still, the repeated pattern and the extent of what these girls have experienced leave me worried.

Has anyone encountered similar concerns and seen the children returned home? What changes and safeguards were required, and how was the previous failed reunification considered? I’m looking for firsthand experiences to help us understand this process.

Former foster youth: how can I help prepare my teenagers to set them up for successfully transitioning into young adulthood?

Foster parents with youth who aged out: what did you do to prepare teenagers to successfully move from your home into independent living?

We have two bookshelves that we have set on the landing at the top of our second level home. We have some old yearbooks and devotionals on there for the time being, but we thought, it might be a good idea to start accumulating more child/teen-based books as we are nearing closer and closer to being licensed.

We have some fantasy books such as the Storm Light Archives, a few of the Harry Potter Books and others.

We plan to foster children from age 6 on up. What are some good books you would recommend for kids and teens?

Our FD 4 is having an extremely hard time with any kind of transition. She did a 180 in behavior after almost 2 months and is now having more meltdowns, more resistance, and so much avoidance of tasks.

We understand the concept that the honeymoon phase is over, but she’s also had very inconsistent visits with bios. And after the last visit is when we noticed the most clear change.

She’s having difficulty at school, at home, with her casa, and with generally anyone else.

A 5 minute warning of doing whatever is next only works about 1/4 of the time. Otherwise it often ends up in her refusing to do whatever is next, even with clear boundaries and with 2 choices of how to do the next thing in the day. We’ve also tried being more relaxed about it by saying things like “first this, and then we do this” to leave it more open ended so she has more freedom in choosing how she’s going to do the next step, as long as she does it.

We are just at a loss of how to help things go smoother and how to help her to feel the pressure of it, but also to be encouraging about actually completing whatever task is next.

Hey all! This will probably be my last post about my foster parents. I know I'm probably getting annoying at this point, seeing as I make a post about once a year about them, but I honestly like getting outside opinions. Sometimes it helps me feel less crazy about the situation I'm dealing with. Anyways, I'll get to the point.

For background, I'm a 17-year-old girl who has been in foster care since I was 13. I've been in the same foster home the entire time, and my foster parents eventually became my legal guardians. I've had a lot of issues with them over the years, and I've posted about some of those situations on here before. I'd say I'm a relatively good kid. I don't ask to go places, I rarely hang out with friends, and I mostly just go to school and come home. I graduated with my associate degree last year during my junior year of high school, with a 4.0 college GPA and high honors, and I've maintained a 4.0 in high school as well. I'm involved in several clubs and am currently preparing to leave for university. I'm not saying any of this because I think good grades make me a better person, but more because I've really tried to make something of myself despite everything that's happened.

I've always been careful about how I act around my foster parents because disagreements with them can turn into much bigger situations than they need to be. I've learned to keep my head down and avoid arguing because I don't want to make my living situation any worse. Since I've been here, I've just been trying to do my best to avoid conflict. Recently, my foster parents' mother spent some time with me, and we really bonded. We talked about how I was rarely allowed to do anything outside of school, and she sympathized with me. She offered to take me to the movies just to get me out of the house. She got my number, spoke with my foster parent, and they apparently agreed on an arrangement.

The day we were supposed to go, my other foster parent came into my room screaming at me. She said she couldn't believe I'd made plans without talking to them and went on and on about how she was "the adult" and I was the child. I was confused because I thought everything had already been discussed with my foster parent. All I said was, "You don't have to shout at me." Afterward, she told the other family member that I couldn't go because I was supposedly arguing with my foster parent??? When I texted to ask what happened, I was told the plans had been canceled because my foster parent's biological grandchild couldn't come along. I guess that makes sense, but it still bothered me. Their biological grandchild gets to leave the house regularly, while I rarely get to do anything. It feels like there are always extra conditions attached whenever I want to go somewhere.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. Here's one I posted about last year, In case you don't wanna read my other posts (you definitely don't lol): Last year, I joined Robotics and several other school clubs. I made sure to tell my foster parents about the meetings, and they initially seemed fine with it. One day, a Robotics meeting got moved from 3–5 PM to 5–7 PM. I went and told them about the change, and they didn't seem upset. When the meeting ended, I called my foster parent to pick me up. She refused and told me that since I'd supposedly "made plans without discussing them", I could walk home myself. No getting in my friends' car's or anything. Normally, they wouldn't let me walk home alone in the dark because our neighborhood is dangerous. It was also pouring rain that evening.

Thankfully, a friend offered to walk me home while her dad followed us in his car. When I got home, my foster parent yelled at me some more, threatened to take away my belongings, and mocked me when I tried to explain why I was upset. Neither of my foster parents spoke to me for the next couple of days. Things like this have happened repeatedly over the years. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells in a home where I'm supposed to feel safe. I've tried to be understanding because my foster parent has BPD, but at some point, I started wondering why I'm always expected to be the understanding one. Her mental issue is not an excuse to treat me like that. Im glad I came to that realization.

Another issue is that I used to work for my foster parents every day for $100 a week. I eventually told them I felt I wasn't being paid enough, and they fired me. I can understand them not wanting me to work for them anymore, but they also won't let me get a job anywhere else. So now I'm left worrying about how I'm going to afford things for myself and prepare for college. For years, I've tried to be especially careful about what I say and do because I didn't want to jeopardize my education or my living situation. Having my electronics taken away would have made completing my college coursework difficult, and I didn't have anywhere else to go. I felt like I had to put up with everything because I had no other choice. Now, though, I'm about to leave for university, and I'm tired of pretending that the way they've treated me over the years hasn't affected me. I wouldn't say I hold a grudge, but I'm definitely not going to keep letting everything slide just to keep the peace.

This brings me to the actual situation. My foster parent also yells at the other foster kids in the house, and I recently had a video of her screaming at them. I decided to send it to my lawyer. Before I sent it, my foster parents saw the video. They told me that DHS had already heard them screaming at the kids and didn't care. I know that's not true, they were trying to discourage me from doing anything about it. Just because I've acted dumb to keep peace doesn't mean that I'm actually that gullible. Afterward, I was patronized for recording her. Whenever she yelled at the kids again, she'd make comments about hoping I was recording her. It felt like she was trying to make me feel stupid for documenting what she was doing. After I sent the video to my lawyer, my foster parents told me DHS had contacted them and that they were going to lose everything, including all the foster kids and me. I don't know exactly what's happening with the investigation or whether that's actually going to happen, but they've made it seem like I'm responsible for all of it. And they've spun the story so oddly to DHS, saying that I only sent it because I was having a tantrum and I wanted to get their house shut down, that I apparently used them for my college degree (which makes no sense, because my school is the one who paid for it, and I'm the one who earned the degree), and a load of other BS.

Honestly, I don't feel bad, and I'm not sure if I should, and it's not like the video was fake. She really said those things. These kids deserve to be in a safe home, in which they aren't experiencing mental abuse. I know that's what I wanted. I used to think it could always be worse, but why does that matter when it's already bad? I understand that being removed from a foster home can be difficult, and I don't want them to have to go through any more instability than they already have. But at the same time, I don't think it's my responsibility to protect my foster parents from the consequences of their own behavior. I didn't make the video to get revenge on them. I sent it to my lawyer because I felt that someone needed to know what was happening. If DHS decides that the home isn't appropriate for foster children, I don't see how that makes me the bad guy.

I also know I'm not perfect. I've gotten upset and definitely lashed out on occasion. But I don't think I should have to be a perfect child to deserve basic respect, especially from the adults who are responsible and literally get a check for taking care of me. I guess I'm just at a point where I'm done being afraid of them. For years, I've worried about losing my belongings, being punished, or making my situation worse. Now that I'm finally getting ready to leave, I don't feel like I have as much to lose by speaking up. But maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Maybe I'm so used to being treated badly that I can't tell when I'm being unreasonable anymore.

Am I wrong for sending the video to my lawyer? Should I feel guilty about the possibility of my foster parents losing their foster children, or am I right to believe that their behavior is their responsibility, not mine?

I'd appreciate any opinions, especially from those who have experience with foster care or have been in similar situations.

In the video, she was screaming and cussing at the kids.

Just got a group of siblings last night. Super sweet kiddos. Case worker says there are grandparents the next state over. They’re going to do an icpc placement. I’ve never been apart of that before. In your experience how long does that usually take?? Thanks!

We adopted our 13yo daughter after fostering her for almost 3 years. She is both intellectually and emotionally around 2 or 3 years younger than her chronological age. She has always needed a lot of connection. She loves hugs and needs a lot of check-ins, i.e. frequent "hey mom/dad, I love you," or, "hey mom/dad, (insert unimportant comment or observation here)."

She has had a very insecure attachment style. We have had to put some decent effort into teaching her appropriate boundaries. When we first met her, it was not unusual for her to try to strike up a conversation or even hug random strangers at the grocery store. We'd had to be careful to enforce boundaries at home as well, making sure she wouldn't think it was ok to climb up on our laps or crawl under a blanket with us or anything like that. Those being specific examples we were given by the caseworker.

Cut to three years later. All is said and done and she is officially our daughter. Even though in many ways she still doesn't quite match her chronological age, she has matured a lot. She understands boundaries. She doesn't immediately assume that every stranger is her new best friend. She knows that everyone needs their personal space. That it's not ok to climb on someone's lap or to share a blanket even if it's just while sitting on the couch.

She still loves hugs. She still loves to snuggle. And I think that's ok. She is clearly securely attached to us and we are her safe space. Everyone needs safe physical affection. In part to help them recognize that which is unsafe. My wife still thinks it's something to be fairly strict about. That a hug should not be a drawn out affair. That snuggling up to us on the couch watching TV is too much. And I've noticed more and more how self-conscious it seems to make our daughter at times. How she'll give me a hug but cut it short as soon as my wife enters the room. Or how she'll snuggle up to us only briefly and then retreat to the opposite end of the couch.

By no means am I suggesting there need not still be boundaries. But of all the people in the world, we are the ones she should be able to come to and ask for a hug and have it be ok for it to last as long as she needs it to. She should be able to snuggle up to us on the couch while we watch a movie if she wants, knowing that she's perfectly safe and secure and that there's nothing wrong with it.

I feel like there would be no question of this if she were our bio-kid. Am I wrong?

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

FS (13) has been with us for 2 years and while it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows, things were on the up and up in March of this year and we were headed towards permanency. Prior to this, he never stayed in any one place for more than 6 months. He’s been in care basically his whole life so a lot of rejection.

In April an aunt filed for custody but her case was weak and she made concerning comments to all parties involved, and coached the child in what to say. After 4 months, and 2 no shows, the case was denied but this broke my FS, he wanted to be with this family, which we fully understand and told him if he wants a relationship with them we will make that happen, but by them not showing up to court just devastated him.

Since then it’s been so up and down behaviorally. We have massive blow ups over small things that end with police needing to be called due to violence. Arguing over everything, even if we try to disengage, and he is scrutinizing my every move.

It’s so exhausting, and becoming more and more unsafe and we have a 3 year old who is witnessing some of this. We don’t want to give notice but if safety can’t be had, is there even another choice??

I’m devastated and stressed, and lonely.

I recently became a kinship placement for my niece 3 months ago. She was 2 months old, now 5 months. My husband and I were wanting to help out family so we agreed to care for her. Now I’m struggling. We have 3 other children, 14, 9 and 7. Both of us work full time, with my husband often working long hours, up to 16 hours a day. This often leaves me solo parenting. My children are also in extracurricular activities so we are often on the road driving back-and-forth to these activities. This leaves us with carrying a baby around everywhere with us as well. One of my children are also really struggling in school and I have just not found the time to be able to help them due to caring for a baby. As babies require around the clock care I often do not have time to spend with my own children. I’m exhausted from the lack of sleep. The parents of my niece are not making any progress towards their goals. It was never our intention to be a long-term placement for my niece. Am I a bad person if I call it quits?

We are fostering our grandchildren 16, 7 & 1 yo. Termination hearing pending. My question is: If we adopt or are given permanent guardianship, we plan on letting mom still be a part of their lives -supervised- will DCFS allow this during the period between TPR and adoption/permanent guardianship being finalized?
We are thinking of holidays, birthdays, school events, etc.