Reconnected with ex of 2 years

[u/MalloryMae_no1]

So before I get into how we started talking again, I just wanna summarize our relationship, how it ended, and how I felt about the situation.

Okay, so I was with this guy for around 2 years, we got together my sophomore year and his junior year of Highschool. Near the end of my junior year, he cheated on me with a freshman and almost caught a case because of the alarming age difference. He confessed what had happened in a rather frivolous manner and decided to compare him cheating on me to a lesson in the bible. So naturally, I broke up with him the same day after a couple hours to think everything over.

Now I’m not gonna act like our relationship was completely flawless before the incident, I definitely had reasons to break up with him before what had happened, but I wasn’t brave enough to do so. He was very controlling over what I listened to, what media I consumed, my opinions on literally anything, and would also coerce me into engaging with him sexually despite repeatedly stating that I wasn’t interested in doing that.

While we got into many fights about the previously mentioned issues, the worst of the issues always came back to how often I’d engage with him intimately. Like I said before, I hated being intimate with him, it always made me feel uncomfortable and sick to my stomach when it was done with. And the week leading up to him cheating on me, I had been abstaining myself from doing anything I’d deem intimate, obviously excluding cuddling and kissing and stuff of that sort. He agreed that it was for the best of our relationship and that was that. He never expressed any feelings of disagreement leading up to what had happened, so I figured that there were no issues with our then current arrangement. Although I’d later find out that he had been keeping his true feelings about the arrangement from me.

Anyways, tracking everything back to present day, we’ve been broken up for about 2 years now, and we had met at an event for our old Highschool. We got some polite conversation in, there was no bad blood between us because our break up had been very clean despite the reason for the separation. There wasn’t any negative tension even though it felt awkward to talk with him after everything. He asked if I had found a boyfriend yet and I told him that I wasn’t “in the dating pool” and I had asked the same thing because the conversation seemed to flow in that direction. He told me that he wasn’t dating either and the conversation trailed off into a less relevant path, (what I’ve been up to and what he’s been up to.) Anyways, after random conversation here and there, the event ended and I left swiftly, I didn’t properly say goodbye or anything, just left to go home.

I didn’t think too much about our interaction until I received a text from him a couple days later asking if we could meet up to talk or get food. I had replied politely like anyone would, and said that I might be able to arrange that. He kept asking if we could meet up and once he offered to pay for a meal I eventually agreed to meet up, kinda shallow I’m not proud. Anyways, we meet up at some restaurant, not fancy but not fast food, and just talk. He tells me something important about his family that he wanted to tell me in person, I share my opinion on it, and then we start talking about our past relationship. I didn’t want to get into this territory considering how difficult the whole experience was for me, but the conversation flowed surprisingly well.

After the meal, we went to the store to burn some time and talk some more, and we got into some deeper topics. He told me more about how he felt the week leading up to him cheating on me, and I got a better perspective on what really happened. Back then he told me that he “blacked out” and then cheated, but he surprisingly confessed that it was premeditated which I had always suspected. We share our feelings on our past relationship, good and bad, and we are both feeling very relieved since there was a lot to air out. Anyways, I’m gonna bring up something that isn’t flattering at all, but after he cheated on me, his best friend was super sweet and caring, and I ended up temporarily crushing on him. Not my proudest moment at all, and I still feel guilty about it even though the relationship was over, but it was such a messy situation even before my ex found out. He finally brought it up, I told him my feelings on the whole situation. His bestfriend left out a lot of details about our peculiar dynamic that developed after I broke up with my ex, but I’ve got no hard feelings at all.

Anyways to just summarize how we got back into touch, we talked a lot about our relationship, got a lot of stuff off our chests, and have an entirely new level of clarity in our current situation, (I’m not gonna call it a relationship at all), than we ever had.

Now the reason I’m going to Reddit, he called me and wanted to talk about whatever we have going on right now, and where I see it going. I was very honest and straightforward, I told him that in the most flattering light, I see us being friends. And I could tell that this troubled him a bit, and he confessed that he was looking to get back with me, but was glad that I was blunt with where I see this reconnection going. Now he keeps going on about how God is working through our relationship and trying to do something with us, and that he feels no stress or pressure because he knows it’ll work out somehow. But I feel the complete opposite. I’m confused, I’m anxious, and I’m just plain pitiful.

I have no idea what to do, because while speaking with him does feel right in a certain way, it just feels so so wrong in other ways. And I’m not sure how to explain it. I would like to be friends with him again, but with how things ended between us, all of my friends and family absolutely despise him, while I’ve decided to forgive him because I wanted to heal. But now that he’s sort of back, it feels like I’m regressing, and that all of the work I put into moving on is for nothing. And the fact that I care more about how others think about me talking to my ex rather than how I feel about it is really disappointing. I hate the idea of people thinking that I’m taking him back, and I hate the idea that people may think I’m weak because I’m talking with him again. I just wish that their opinions of me didn’t matter so that I could make this decision without the weight of other’s perception. I’m not sure if I’m articulating this in the best way because I kinda came on here in a panic, but I just don’t know how to should deal with this.

Some bonus context: He got baptized and is claiming to be “born anew” and not the same person he was before, I attended this. His best friend that I had crushed on has allegedly been reporting my activity on my socials to my ex, he brought it up during our conversation at dinner. While I was crushing on the best friend, they were not talking simply because the friend claimed that he didn’t wanna associate with my ex after what happened, so in my delusion I guess I figured it meant he liked me? Idk I was dumb. Anyways I know for sure that he wants to get back with me and that I don’t wanna date anyone at all right now, much less an old flame.

Anyways thanks for reading, if you have any advice to give me that would be awesome sauce, even if it’s really minuscule. THANKS FOR LISTENING TO MY DUMB ISSUES🎉