I'm not surrounded by friends. I'm not surrounded by family. I most certainly don't have any money and I'm not drowning in gifts either. But I'm happy. I don't know why I'm happy but I am. It's weird, right?

I grew up the scapegoated child of severely mentally ill narcissists. I've spent a lot of time in therapy understanding that I was scapegoated, and learning how to start trusting my own judgments again. But, every now and then I find myself accidentally slipping back into this response. I'm still in touch with one family member, and she manages to trigger me right back into that role without effort.

I guess my question is: how long does it take? How many times of coming back to myself before I feel like I have integrated that they are the problem and not me? Because right now I go through these cycles of feeling stuck and having clarity, and even though the cycles get longer and less intense, I guess I had kind of hoped that understanding that I am not the problem would stop me feeling that way ever again.

Has anyone taken any of her courses and found them helpful? I'm contemplating joining one but since they are on the pricier side I'd like to get some feedback first. For those who don't know her; she's a Canadian therapist that specialises in how to heal from emotionally immature parents.

So- I’ve lurked here and first time poster. It’s long, apologies.
I recently wrote my mother a lengthy but carefully considered letter outlining serious concerns about her longstanding financial mismanagement, hoarding, lack of planning, and reliance on her adult children to repeatedly manage crises. I explained the significant emotional and practical toll this has taken on us and asked her to engage in a sustainable financial plan with appropriate safeguards, so we could protect her future security and preserve our relationship. I did not mention any legal action, although certainly I have discussed the option of making a financial guardianship application with my sister. I am a social worker and I am very aware of what this entails.
For context, my mother has not worked since she was about 25 due to illness and receives the DSP, although we have often questioned privately whether all of her reported limitations are genuine for many reasons. Regardless, she is a very unwell person in many ways, has no social or family connection an aside from me and my sister . Over her lifetime she has inherited more than $1 million++ from her wealthy parents, who are now deceased, and has largely spent it on purchases from places such as Temu and eBay, as well as other bizarre or unnecessary items. They had actually put a trust condition on her inheritance that also aimed to preserve investments for us as grandchildren (aware of her behaviour) However, unfortunately, as my sister and I were very enmeshed and parentified children (esp at this stage in our very early adulthood) and she convinced us this was totally unjust and we assisted to support having the trust removed and my mum received this money in full. What a mistake. She burned through it rapidly and we each received only 20k- which as naive kids in debt who had never been given anything seemed amazing at the time- I paid off my credit card debt.
She is extremely disorganised and can be grandiose, hysterical, aggressive, or avoidant when anyone questions her decisions. She also has a pattern of decompensating during periods of stress and threatening suicide or wish “to be found dead in her bed”. This was a regular expression of hers while myself and my husband worked to remove her hoard and clean her filthy home.
My sibling and I have spent much of our lives rescuing her, paying for house insurance (which she felt uneccessary) and crisis expenses, and dealing with the consequences of her decisions. We have received little to no financial or practical support from either parent while growing up, (father also very neglectful) and our childhoods involved significant abuse and neglect. My mother actually left us as kids when I was four years old, we lived with my father and his very abusive ride until I was about 13. Despite this, we have continued trying to support our mother through adulthood and had assumed that we would keep doing so indefinitely.
Rather than acknowledge any of my concerns or suggest any alternative when receiving my letter, she responded with an aggressive message asserting her legal rights, refusing any financial oversight, and declaring the matter of her capacity/competency permanently closed. She then demanded immediate repayment of a family loan, the return of her car, and the return of her house key, and threatened legal action.
She also said that she had contacted a legal advocate, who told her that we had no grounds to make a guardianship application as family members. That advice is largely toothless, because advice is only as good as the information provided by the person seeking it. We have extensive evidence, and documentation of the impact of her lifelong conduct that coukd be presented and would definitely be taken very seriously. We also have substantial evidence of our repeated attempts to engage her in meaningful protective planning and discussion. It is deeply upsetting that a request for conversation and acknowledgement was met with threats from her, but that response is unfortunately consistent with the broader pattern.
The loan is money I have which I have intended to hold in the medium term to help preserve it for her future. She has no other superannuation, savings, or capacity to earn an income. I have no intention of spending the money for myself. The only reason she even had these funds to loan me (I needed as I bought a new house this year and while my partner and I are in good professions we are playing some catch up), is becaus last year I took 3 weeks off work to rescue her from destitution and arranged for her hoarded, deteriorating, debt-ridden property to be cleaned up, managed, and sold to downsize into a place that was feasible for her to maintain. I have been trying to ensure that the remaining money she has due to the downsize windfall is protected to support her as she ages.
The issue with the car and keys is not complicated in the way she is presenting it. Her car was at our home because we were storing it safely for her while she is unable to drive it. We have our own cars and had no reason to use hers or take control of it. We kept a key to her house so we could access when necessary for safety checks and practical management. That access has genuinely been necessary at times, including recently when she broke her leg. Her demand for the immediate return of the car and keys feels as though she is portraying ordinary arrangements made for her safety as if we had stolen or withheld her property.
She has now positioned me as the sole problem, despite these being longstanding concerns shared by other family members (my sister and husband). It feels like another cycle of blame, intimidation, and punishment for attempting to establish reasonable boundaries. I am struggling with how cruel her response feels, particularly after years of trying to help her and protect her from the consequences of her own decisions.
I genuinely feel that I am finally ready to close the door and go no contact. At this point, continuing to engage seems likely to expose me only to more abuse and manipulation. I feel guilty that this may leave my sister to manage the situation alone, especially because I do not think she is currently able to maintain the boundaries I have tried to establish. I also feel sad that my children may lose contact with their grandmother. They have only one emotionally safe grandparent left, and it is painful to think of them having even less family support.
I would really appreciate validation that stepping away is reasonable, particularly after years of trying to help and protect her. I would also appreciate support with explaining this to my children. They are five and seven years old, and I am struggling to explain why we will no longer be seeing Grandma without burdening them with adult details, making them feel responsible, or encouraging them to take sides.
How have others explained estrangement or no contact with a grandparent to young children? What wording helped? How did you respond if the children asked whether Grandma was angry, whether they had done something wrong, or whether they would see her again?
If you got through this! Thankyou