IT WAS ONLY A KISS

HOW DID IT END UP LOKE THIS?

IT WAS ONY A KISS, IT WAS ONLY A KISS!!!!

- (No it wasn’t) ❤️

I need to be stronger.

I don't know what kind of homework I have.

To be a loser and a woman is the most lonely experience, you won’t even get accepted in spaces for other losers since they’re male-centric. So it’s basically just me, myself, and I.

Maybe I need to take a break from the internet. What else do I have though? I hate having to settle for this shithole, I wish there were something more for me. I must be the scum of this earth to be stuck here.

The news about Geordie Greep is making me sad, he was my favorite artist, ya’know? Now he’s an alleged sexual assaulter. Dang it. I suppose this goes to show that you should never idolize celebrities.

I keep having these manic episodes in which I behave strangely and do things that the regular me would regret. I don’t know why I’m acting out like this, is it boredom? Am I finally going insane from isolation? I really wish it’d stop.

I tried to sleep the day away but my mom wanted me to pick up my little sister from school with her. Dang it.

I’m really losing it.

Am in a bad place, very bad,

Sometimes I think I could do with a friend,

But then they won't mend,

The corners of my heart,

I would fall more apart,

When they point out the solution,

The one I dont wanna see,

Am trapped in hell,

Every day, every night,

No respite ,

Just acceptance.

I count the blessing,

I dont have to sleep with the devil.

Hey there :)
I guess this is me being as raw and vulnerable as I can. I’ve been on a lucky streak in life for a while everything I asked the universe for, I somehow got. That included amazing friends and a beautiful relationship. Life felt awesome until it didn’t. My streak ended when my relationship fell apart due to religious differences. It hurt like hell, but I accepted it and moved on

Fast forward, I met another girl I really connected with only for her to back out because I was “too good for her.” I understood, but it still stung. Somewhere along the way, I also lost a few friends, including my best one. It’s been overwhelming and chaotic.

There are days I just want to shut everyone out, protect myself from getting hurt again. But I refuse to give the people who hurt me the power to dictate my life. I want to move on in life, find my people again. The genuine, kind, caring, loving ones. Those who reciprocate the same energy I give. Also id prefer if you were Indian, cause of time difference and all that jazz🙃

I’m all about matching energies and real vibes. I’m looking for someone I can talk to about anything from tiny everyday details to the deep, messy parts of life and I can be the same for you, someone you can rely on at all times. Someone consistent, present, and interesting. A friendship that can last the distance. No dry texters, please!

A little about me: your average “good guy” who isn’t afraid to show his teeth when the situation calls for it. Working, living a comfortable (and slightly boring) life. I love travelling, perfumes, self-care, and old school romance novels.

And just to be clear - I’m open to genuine friendship or maybe something more if it naturally happens, but not here for anything shallow or lust-driven 😭

If this resonates with you, DM me with a little description about yourself or something interesting about you….I’d love to know who’s on the other side of the screen 🤨

I went on a date tonight. It was mildly ok at best. But then I got home and opened my Chinese food. I broke down when I opened my fortune cookie. I never liked them... and he'd always eat them for me. And now I'm just sitting here crying over these terrible tasting cookies in my hand remembering how much he had liked them and ate them for me.

What made everything worse was that I had to put on the bed's protective covering. It still has the silver paint stain on it even though he had washed it... it was the last time I had gotten to see him alone and he said when he was ready he'd approach me at the bar.

I hate where we are now though. I hate what we've become. I hate that there's been so much dishonesty and mistrust that it spiraled the way it did. To where I don’t recognize the person he is.

I know I did some terribly wrong things, but he took it to such a level that I now sit here wondering if he ever loved me. If any of it was real. Because no one who loves you would do that to you.

I sit here with him and I legally not allowed to speak to each other... something I did to protect myself.

I can never make another post asking him to come over. I can never see him come approach me at the bar. We can never text. I'll never hear his voice again speak to me a loving or even kind manner at all. I'll never get to see him again after next week. I'll never even get to say goodbye.... and my heart is so broken. We had our whole lives planned out. We planned to run away one day. We planned such a beautiful life of just him and I and how we'd make it all work

Like I said before there's only one way to stop all of this, but it can only be initiated by me... but he'd have to agree to such a thing.

"Love, because it is the only true adventure."..... fuck you, fortune cookie.

The other day I felt weary and heavy. Didn’t know where to put myself. I wrapped myself in a blanket, went and sat inside my closet, closed the door and started crying. It felt sort of comforting, because the hung clothes weighing on my body almost felt like a hug.

Not sure if it’s what I deal with but many of these things remind me of myself and pretty much every experience. If I really do have this plus every other bit of BS going on with me I really am fucked in the relationship/friendship department or maybe that’s just an excuse… I don’t even know anymore and that’s scary.

Cloudy all day, no sun :( Busy this afternoon, stopped about 6 to go by the store. Alot cooler today and suppose to be 91 tomorrow. This weather is bi polar.

Mia has had her dinner and gone to her bed, I heated some leftovers and just about done with that. Watching A Bridge Too Far, good historical drama. I know these bridges myself and don't need a movie to be informed of them. But it's a good movie anyway. We studied these bridges of Arnhem and operation Market Garden, in school, always fascinating how fate can interrupt the best laid plans. History blames poor planning and the weather, tactical execution for the failure. I see it as simply fate that caused the allies to fail. Learn from that.

October is flying by and it will be November soon and very cool weather ahead. Kinda look forward to that. Something about a propane heater and hot chocolate I like to settle next to.

I miss you constantly.

Only you could do this to me and even though I don't see you as much lately, you are now and forever in my thoughts dearest one.

I close with Love and Light

Goodnight Diary and readers

I love you so.

143

9:02 p.m.

Even if they aren’t here I just want to pretend it’s someone by my side. Maybe that’s sad but to just exist with someone in that moment is all I need some days.

Sometimes when I feel off, I don't call anyone. I just open my gallery.

I scroll through memories I've spent with people, and moments where everything was feeling bad, but I still managed to click a photo Just to remember what I felt at that time

I'm almost 20, an overthinker, and a person who loves to capture almost every moment. Living away from home because of work, I noticed a pattern in myself.

Whenever I feel burnt out or overwhelmed, I just stare at all the photos in my gallery or my Instagram highlights. Because I want to relive those moments. It makes me feel a little relaxed.

Even if I look at pictures I clicked when I was struggling through a lot of things, revisiting that image makes me feel happy. That I crossed the worst phase of my life.

I honestly learned this from someone I know who works in the same studio as me.

He captures every small moment, and watching him made me realise we think we'll remember it all, but we won't. The photos remember for us.

So capture the bad days too. Not just the happy ones. One day you'll look back at them and realise how far you've come.

: )

Turns out swinging a sledgehammer many times to crack concrete then picking up that concrete by hand then burying it isn’t easy. But seriously my arms are killing me plus the fucking blisters suck. Definitely not my first but I’d be lying if I said I don’t enjoy doing stuff like that. Took a nice hot shower that burned my hands lol and went to the store. I actually met my first bus driver I ever had when I was a kid who lives right down the road. Sucks to see the people you know and care about getting older but I’m glad he’s still around. We’re related on my mom’s side but I’m related to almost everybody on her side… makes saying around here near to impossible but not many people catch my eye so it doesn’t matter. My body aches but my heart feels a little lighter today.

I started this journal with zero posts just a tired, anxiety, overthinking, deeply feeling brain that never really rests. Yesterday i hit Day 100. One hundred days of writing about the social anxiet, audhd, alexthymia, adhd, avpd, cptsd, bpd fear of abandonment, fear of replacement, overthinking, people pleasing, being a burden and too much and all the exhausting parts of this mind that tries to protect me but sometimes drowns me in noise. Some days the spiral was loud. Some days i felt too much, too intense, too scared I was becoming unimportant.

Some days i still apologized to myself more than i needed to but i kept showing up anyway. This space became my soft landing a place where i didn’t have to mask, perform, or shrink. Just be me. Raw. Messy. Real. To every fellow neurodivergent, highly sensitive, overthinker and deep feeler who is still here: thank you.You are not too much. You are not temporary. You are not forgotten. I’m proud of us both. Thank you for reading every honest, tender piece of my story. I hope this space has been a gentle reminder that you deserve softness, too. Here’s to more days of showing up for ourselves💛

The way people were indifferent to the harms caused by them

Indifference is when society itself failed

Hear my plight, no, it’s not about being a victim, it’s about society knowingly being indifferent when people could have been different

I don’t celebrate wins by abusive individuals. Others may cheer them on, but abusive records are history.

It wasn’t okay, it still isn’t.

They didn’t feel remorse, and still don’t.

I used to think that I'm not beautiful enough, not good enough, and not skillful enough when I was at high school.. every now and then when I open my images I stop at one of them, a picture when i was at a centre for learning about fine arts (drawing, sculpture, the history of fine art, and printmaking), it goes back to 2019, I saw i had a better skin, body, and maybe better and more realistic imagination, energy and ambitions, just the way i put my hijab on was worse than now. I regret how bad I used to look at myself. anyways, I won't do that again, for my coming years and current life i wanna open my images and say: yeah my lady.. you did it.. you got it..

Maybe?

I'm a 20-year-old guy living in Ahmedabad. I'm a biomed student and I'm working really hard right now because my ultimate goal is to move to Germany to become a CRNA.

But socially, my life is a mess. I'm a massive introvert. I overthink every single interaction. I've never had a girlfriend, and I'm still a virgin. I feel incredibly left behind when I look at people my age. It feels like everyone else knows the rules to a game I don't understand.

I've realized recently that I just vibe much better with older women, like 30 to 50. They seem so much more mature, patient, and they actually know what they want. No childish mind games. I feel like I would be way more comfortable with someone older who gets me and doesn't judge me for being so shy and inexperienced.

My biggest dream in life is actually to adopt a child one day. That's a huge part of why I'm trying to build a stable career. I want to be able to provide a good life for a kid who needs one.

But right now, I just feel lonely, stressed, and scared. I don't know how to break out of this shell. Has anyone else ever felt this way? How did you learn to open up?

https://www.reddit.com/r/Minecraft/comments/1x68apq/to_celebrate_me_beating_the_bloop_boss_i_am/

Use the link above to see pictures

My first two images are me after beating the bloop soul thing

1. The bloop soul

2. trades for one soul (i didn't trade it yet)

3. Frog in my boat i came in with

4. The anchor weapon i got after defeating the bloop and putting it on its special pedestal/anvil

7-10. The outside of the light house i stole and now live in

1. Realized I have a second of the same treasure map so I moved it to a barrel

2. Made an armor stand to put my diving suit on

3. Doing some fishing before the sun sets

4. Eating a cooked salmon at night before going to bed

Please comment what you want me to do next (I will give the add-ons if anyone wants to try it for yourself)

Got to work late again this morning. Knew I was pushing it when I stopped for a second coffee. Had just settled in when the boss appeared beside my desk.

“Can we chat when you’ve got a moment?”

He didn’t sound annoyed. Maybe a little concerned, which is probably worse. I followed him to his office and sat down. He closed the door behind us. Shit.

“Look. You’ve been coming in late a lot lately, and I want to make sure everything’s alright. Are you doing OK?”

I said, “I’m fine.”

He nodded like he was trying to coax more out of me. But I had nothing more.

“I don’t mean to pry. I want you to know if anything’s going on, you can tell me. I’m not trying to catch you out.”

I shrugged and said, “I must walk slower than I think I do. I leave home on time. And then somehow it’s ten past.”

He chuckled politely at that, like I’d told a joke. But then he flapped on. He said my output had dropped a bit. Nothing dramatic. We’d discussed this before.

“I’m fine,” I repeated. This was all bullshit. We both know I’m the best worker in the whole damn building.

“If you’re struggling, I’m happy to make adjustments.”

He thought he was being supportive. I could see it in his little head. But it felt like I was being nudged towards a confession I didn’t have. 

“No need,” I insisted. “The dog next door barks a lot. I’m just tired.” There is no dog.

He sat back and looked at his screen. Clicked away at something.

“I need to issue a formal warning. It’s nothing to worry about. But I wanted to speak first, to get your side of it.”

I said I understood. Then we shook hands like we’d agreed on something.

“Oh, and Jolon. Never flip me off in the office again.”

Prick. I made a coffee before I went back to my desk. Three is too much before lunch. I get jittery. Was thinking about drinking it anyway when the formal warning pinged into my inbox. I reread it till the mug went cold. Thought about deleting it, replying to it, or walking out and never coming back because of it.

Clicked Mark as read and looked up the best decaf. Apparently Pret does a decent one.

Was still mulling it all over when I got home. The email said no further action would be necessary if my timekeeping improved. Still got into bed with my shoes on.

Might try Pret tomorrow.

I’ve never thought about being a mother

I never was one

Recently these feelings have started to grow in me in very dark ways

I think about the scene in the show “You” where their baby had measles. Even his dad, a serial killer had described it as the single most scary moment of his life.

It may just be a show but it had me wondering what it was like to care about someone so deeply.

“Maternal instincts”

The concept is funny to me, it’s as if compassion is a requirement for a woman.

Leave out all selfish human tendencies.

My programme has been updated.

Empathy restored

When it is a human thing to develop and it’s not something we’re all naturally good at but we have it.

These urges

It comes at random times.

A child running past the street or laughing

And I start having these feelings of how it would be like to love them dearly

To watch them grow

To see them doing something that they love

Be there for every single doctors appointment or concert recital

Which my parents were despite their flaws I know they loved me dearly

Even then my mother still wishes she had a boy to love her

“Because daughters never love enough”

She never really felt enough especially after my father cheated and left for his intern.

My love was never enough

She worshipped my dad even years after he left still talking about him and his wife dearly

I see the urges in me to shrink and compare myself all the time

I should hold back if another woman is in the room

I should shrink myself

I don’t want mother to feel bad

I don’t want her to hate herself

When I was 10 I saw a movie called confessions and read the book as well.

I was fascinated by this teen genius with oedipus complex.

I wanted to ask

What happens to a woman’s genius when society demands she trade her legacy for a baby bottle?

She was not doing well

She was abusive and nurturing

She demanded him to be perfect

After all this time, after she had abandoned him when he was a child

The way he wrote about her

The way he sees her

Mother dearest

He worshipped her

A ghost

In a lot of ways I wondered, maybe the only way to have pure devotion

Might be to ruin your own child’s life

Maybe instead of a loving parent

I might end up forcing a 5 year old to solder and get mad if he doesn’t get it right

He’ll be an overachiever who will never be enough for me

Even when he grows up he might still need my approval

He’ll look for me everywhere he goes

In every decision he makes it’s because of me

Before he goes through electrical engineering school

I’ll abandon him for my career and a new husband

He’ll try to find me

But I would’ve moved on and he’ll blame himself

That I could be mommy to someone else

Anyone else

But not him

He’ll compare every woman he sees to me

He’ll be so traumatised I’ll be the only thing on his mind

The worse part is not even I’m not proud of you, it’s somehow always I forgot you existed

You never mattered to me

This shift feels uncomfy but the most comfortable.
I love who i’m becoming 🖤✔️