I need to be stronger.

I don't know what kind of homework I have.

IT WAS ONLY A KISS

HOW DID IT END UP LOKE THIS?

IT WAS ONY A KISS, IT WAS ONLY A KISS!!!!

- (No it wasn’t) ❤️

Cloudy all day, no sun :( Busy this afternoon, stopped about 6 to go by the store. Alot cooler today and suppose to be 91 tomorrow. This weather is bi polar.

Mia has had her dinner and gone to her bed, I heated some leftovers and just about done with that. Watching A Bridge Too Far, good historical drama. I know these bridges myself and don't need a movie to be informed of them. But it's a good movie anyway. We studied these bridges of Arnhem and operation Market Garden, in school, always fascinating how fate can interrupt the best laid plans. History blames poor planning and the weather, tactical execution for the failure. I see it as simply fate that caused the allies to fail. Learn from that.

October is flying by and it will be November soon and very cool weather ahead. Kinda look forward to that. Something about a propane heater and hot chocolate I like to settle next to.

I miss you constantly.

Only you could do this to me and even though I don't see you as much lately, you are now and forever in my thoughts dearest one.

I close with Love and Light

Goodnight Diary and readers

I love you so.

143

9:02 p.m.

I went on a date tonight. It was mildly ok at best. But then I got home and opened my Chinese food. I broke down when I opened my fortune cookie. I never liked them... and he'd always eat them for me. And now I'm just sitting here crying over these terrible tasting cookies in my hand remembering how much he had liked them and ate them for me.

What made everything worse was that I had to put on the bed's protective covering. It still has the silver paint stain on it even though he had washed it... it was the last time I had gotten to see him alone and he said when he was ready he'd approach me at the bar.

I hate where we are now though. I hate what we've become. I hate that there's been so much dishonesty and mistrust that it spiraled the way it did. To where I don’t recognize the person he is.

I know I did some terribly wrong things, but he took it to such a level that I now sit here wondering if he ever loved me. If any of it was real. Because no one who loves you would do that to you.

I sit here with him and I legally not allowed to speak to each other... something I did to protect myself.

I can never make another post asking him to come over. I can never see him come approach me at the bar. We can never text. I'll never hear his voice again speak to me a loving or even kind manner at all. I'll never get to see him again after next week. I'll never even get to say goodbye.... and my heart is so broken. We had our whole lives planned out. We planned to run away one day. We planned such a beautiful life of just him and I and how we'd make it all work

Like I said before there's only one way to stop all of this, but it can only be initiated by me... but he'd have to agree to such a thing.

"Love, because it is the only true adventure."..... fuck you, fortune cookie.

Even if they aren’t here I just want to pretend it’s someone by my side. Maybe that’s sad but to just exist with someone in that moment is all I need some days.

To be a loser and a woman is the most lonely experience, you won’t even get accepted in spaces for other losers since they’re male-centric. So it’s basically just me, myself, and I.

Maybe I need to take a break from the internet. What else do I have though? I hate having to settle for this shithole, I wish there were something more for me. I must be the scum of this earth to be stuck here.

The news about Geordie Greep is making me sad, he was my favorite artist, ya’know? Now he’s an alleged sexual assaulter. Dang it. I suppose this goes to show that you should never idolize celebrities.

I keep having these manic episodes in which I behave strangely and do things that the regular me would regret. I don’t know why I’m acting out like this, is it boredom? Am I finally going insane from isolation? I really wish it’d stop.

I tried to sleep the day away but my mom wanted me to pick up my little sister from school with her. Dang it.

I’m really losing it.

Not sure if it’s what I deal with but many of these things remind me of myself and pretty much every experience. If I really do have this plus every other bit of BS going on with me I really am fucked in the relationship/friendship department or maybe that’s just an excuse… I don’t even know anymore and that’s scary.

The other day I felt weary and heavy. Didn’t know where to put myself. I wrapped myself in a blanket, went and sat inside my closet, closed the door and started crying. It felt sort of comforting, because the hung clothes weighing on my body almost felt like a hug.

Sometimes when I feel off, I don't call anyone. I just open my gallery.

I scroll through memories I've spent with people, and moments where everything was feeling bad, but I still managed to click a photo Just to remember what I felt at that time

I'm almost 20, an overthinker, and a person who loves to capture almost every moment. Living away from home because of work, I noticed a pattern in myself.

Whenever I feel burnt out or overwhelmed, I just stare at all the photos in my gallery or my Instagram highlights. Because I want to relive those moments. It makes me feel a little relaxed.

Even if I look at pictures I clicked when I was struggling through a lot of things, revisiting that image makes me feel happy. That I crossed the worst phase of my life.

I honestly learned this from someone I know who works in the same studio as me.

He captures every small moment, and watching him made me realise we think we'll remember it all, but we won't. The photos remember for us.

So capture the bad days too. Not just the happy ones. One day you'll look back at them and realise how far you've come.

: )

Turns out swinging a sledgehammer many times to crack concrete then picking up that concrete by hand then burying it isn’t easy. But seriously my arms are killing me plus the fucking blisters suck. Definitely not my first but I’d be lying if I said I don’t enjoy doing stuff like that. Took a nice hot shower that burned my hands lol and went to the store. I actually met my first bus driver I ever had when I was a kid who lives right down the road. Sucks to see the people you know and care about getting older but I’m glad he’s still around. We’re related on my mom’s side but I’m related to almost everybody on her side… makes saying around here near to impossible but not many people catch my eye so it doesn’t matter. My body aches but my heart feels a little lighter today.