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I was in situationship with an avoidebt ...

She left me for 2 reason

1: m homophobic

2: our mentality didn't matched at all

Pls cann y'all help like

People got their own perspective and like different mentalityand m crashing out cause thts my 1st time getting apart for such reason

Can y'all help me

And yea like everyone is homophobic they just show it...

Her father recently had a stroke, and the stress of that situation triggered an emotional shutdown in her. Because of that, we broke up, and she told me she doesn't feel anything for me anymore. Still, she wants to stay friends because she can't imagine just letting me go.

We've been texting more on WhatsApp lately, so I want to show her that she can't have me as a friend. I'll only be there as a partner. I'm thinking of unfollowing her on Instagram, because she doesn't deserve a place in my life there, but she can still reach me on WhatsApp. Is that the right move?

so hear me out.. this girl is the only person I've loved and have felt loved by, I (31F) met her (27F) around 3.5 years ago, we dated for 6 months and she broke up with me 3 times during that, the 3rd time she made sure to end it for good. she asked me if i loved her (which i hadn't told her yet) and as soon as i said yes she broke up with me. she then said that i am her ideal person bla bla so on. so after 7 month of agony on my and and no contact we somehow reconnected and i was like maybe i can be friends with her cz i love her as a person she's a real sweetheart, just traumatised.

so when we started hanging out, one thing led to another and she asked to get back together and get into a real relationship this time and she's 100% in and ready to deal with any issues we face. so as you might guess, i was hesitant, she told me she will prove by her actions that and gain my trust and she did slowly but surely. 6 months after that we moved in (her suggestion) and a few months after the move i noticed some changes and so did she. first her body shut down, her libido went down, not just for me but she couldn't even masturbate. she even told me she would be ok if i wanted to have sex with other people because she can't give me that right now. she was super depressed at her job and i told her to leave it and we'll figure it out. she left her job was looking for a different kind of job but couldn't land anything, more like was afraid of being rejected so every test project she got she self sabotaged and rejected them before the hiring team can reject her.

back then i wasn't seeing this pattern, back then i was just thinking she needs some luck on her side and i kept motivating her.

we also co own a business together even tho it's not something profitable but she makes her money from there i just invest in it and sometimes make money.

so fast forward i started working 15 hours a day, and we were having sex like once a month. but it wasn't what it used to be at least for me due to being mentally and ohysically tired from work.

she had her independence, i had never forbidden her from doing anything or seeing friends. even tho she had told me not to hang out with specific people because she got jealous and she was always scared that i will leave her, that was her greatest fear. a month or two before the breakup she even told me that she's scared that if i ever cheat on her she wouldn't be able to leave me because she loves me that much.

she didn't have a stable job, goals or something specific to work on, so she made a new friend, a guy through a gig she had. he was from abroad and he visited for like 6 days, came to our country but spent all his time with her, from day 1 i felt something was off that he was i to her and she was like noo he's like a brother to me, so the guy left the day before our 2 year anniversary, and she chose to stay awake till 8am to take him to the airport and had picked up a client for the next day (on our anniversary) and was too tired afterwards to even go out for dinner.

the day after she went out drinking with her friends. so that entire week i was feeling something was off and i kept asking her she said she's fine. a week before this she was talking about getting married with me.

so i get mad and be like this whole thing isn't normal there's something wrong and she was like we should break up, i love you but you deserve better, she emphasised the lack of sexual compatibility (which we had abundance of prior to her initial shutdown)

i was like shit like that can be fixed, I'll quit one of my jobs and focus on us. so i suggested taking a break to think about it.

during the break, for the first time ever i went through her messages, it was a gut feeling and i saw the texts between her and the guy he confessed feelings for her , she said she liked him too that she felt chemistry but he's too emotional for her and she's really confused right now and this isn't fair to me(her partner she's breaking up with)

the texts showed that nothing happened between them and then she told him not to text her again.

so what i do? i ask her and she denies it. then after a day i tell her that i know everything and she felt extremely guilty and shame and blamed herself and she said it wasn't about him, that it could've been anyone because she just wanted something physical with someone random.

so i told her that i am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work, specially since i saw that she told him to piss off at the end.

so after a few days when we met up, as expected she broke up with me saying she lost herself and she feels like she's that type of person that will never be able to be in a relationship, that i deserve better and she just wants to have random sex and that she realised that we aren't compatible. i stayed super calm and said ok. she came home to pick up some of her stuff, broke down in tears and hugged me crying saying she hasn't been this comfortable with anyone in her life and then left. she also mentioned that during the break there were several times that she thought to just come back home. she also mentioned that when she got high she started thinking that there wasn't an issue in the relationship and wtf is she doing. because honestly we never fight , we're very in tune, we're very understanding of each other and are comfortable together and we truly loved each other.

now i don't recognise her, she has gone super cold, and a week after the breakup she already downloaded tinder. i left the country a few days after the breakup and it's my 2nd week away and i will go back next week so she can fully move out and i take the appartment back for myself.

Now the thing is that i get why she did all of this, i read too many stuff about psychology, neurology and how her childhood and relationship traumas can affect her brain and neuropathways and everything clicked.

she now feels relief, and has deactivated, i dont even recognise her (as a person). she's just distracting herself. now that i read and watched every thing i could find about this, i connected the dots, her parents, her childhood, her past relationships (which some she has also sabotaged but tells the story in a way that she was the victim)

she now believes she made the right choice and she will 100% not regret it. those were her words. she wanted to stay friends.

Since i give a shit about her and i am tired of this generation and how they discard people, yeah i get it protect your peace and shit. but i fkn love her, unconditionally. i care about this person's wellbeing. even if she's not gonna end up with me i want her to heal. but her coming back to me would be great too..

i was also an avoidant even tho i hadn't given it that much thought, i stopped dating after i hurt someone and i didn't get into any sort of dating for almost 4 years until i had healed, the only thing that helped was EMDR therapy.

so what i want to do right now is get her into therapy , which she rejected before but i need to find the right timing.

i need advice on how to and when to make my next move, i am acting so cold at the moment to speed up the breaking down process of the deactivation

if your advice is gonna be to give up, then don't comment cz i ain't a quitter.

TL;DR

I want to find a way to help my avoidant ex realise she needs therapy and chooses to heal i stead of being stuck in the same loop

i need advice

before i even start this, i want to make something clear: i do not view avoidants as evil beings or that their intentions are necessarily done on purpose. i am an anxious person myself and both sides of the coin can be a lot to deal with, i know i am a lot. these behaviors stem from childhood trauma and become are defense mechanisms, i do not blame anyone for acting the way they do but rather not having any will to change it.

me and my boyfriend consistently dated for a year before breaking up, having a month break of not talking at all, and then getting back together again up until this point recently. i love him dearly but he could not care for me or anything i say anymore. what caused this was him being avoidant for multiple days on end and when i got upset and assumed it was about me (because 99% of the time it is), he got super angry and verbally degrading towards me and said it was suicide ideation related. i apologized and tried to comfort where from there he blocked me, so i decided to block him for a couple days. i sent a message on another app letting him know he could message me at any time and i was open to talk but i could not stand the verbal abuse any longer (its been over 18 months of it). couple days later i unblock him and text from that other app again to which he says "i dont love you anymore" because i blocked him over suicidal thoughts.

this is very hard, because there has been more times than i can count where he has left me begging for his comfort and to not block me over feeling suicidal. so to hear that the one time i do something stops him from loving me, compared to the countless times hes done it to me and i still love him, makes no sense.

the entirety of our relationship feels like this unbalanced scale. he can do things multiple times, blame me for him doing them, and then still be loved and cared for at the end of the day. but the moments i do something once, there cant be any forgiveness for me.

i know this goes past being avoidant at this point and is realistically just abusive, but when i tell him that he just tells me "you have every option to leave, its your fault you stay. dont blame me". i believe him every time he'll say something will be different and its just turned into him dragging me down with him.

whenever ive tried to leave him, he always flips the narrative and leaves me which causes me to panic. when i leave, he acts like he doesnt care about me and he couldnt be more happy that im gone, and ends up blocking me first. like theres no will to try to tell me he can change or even just beg for me to stay.

i just dont understand how someone can do something so many times and find a reason or excuse every single time, but the moment someone does it to him, there cannot be any forgiveness in it. its like he doesnt even understand the amount of pain he causes because once its happened to him, he can only care about his pain.

he often calls me a pussy or weak or that i have no backbone, but its almost that he's trained me to be this way. times ive tried standing up for myself leave me blocked or degraded or worthless. its been made clear that my wants or needs do not matter as equally as his do. ive been conditioned to believe that something will be different every time and it is not.

when i try to express that i love him and ive been trying to help him, the only thing he can say is "ive never asked for you to do xyz", which just feels stupid because do you seriously expect to get into a relationship and have someone not do anything for you?

and now i like cant leave. hes trained this panic response in me and i go batshit crazy when he blocks me, its really embarrassing. i have to be honest that the way i act is justifiable enough to get a restraining order against me. i make different accounts and text from different numbers, begging for him to talk to me because its been a constant loop that he blocks and i have to beg. i like cant let go at all.

we are at a point that he is only still talking to me because i cannot let go, and i blame him for that. i blame him for ruining my self worth, my ability to stand up for myself, my ability to leave.

i dont think he means to be this way. he doesnt mean to say vile things or act cold, but maybe thats just me trying to reason with how terrible he makes me feel.

i just wish i could leave. i wish i could leave without feeling completely empty and lost without him, which i know that is my anxiousness speaking.

this is a terribly written story and explanation and im sorry. i just spent the last hour being told that nothing about me matters to him and not being listened to about anything i say. its so hopeless.

I met my last boyfriend’s ex and found out that he lied about a lot of things including the seriousness and length of their relationship pretty substantially. He said they dated 6 months & decided that they were better off as friends. 

Meanwhile she and some other people corroborated that it was over a year that they were together, closer to 2 years in total. They moved in together & adopted pets together. He had mentioned they lived together but that it was him offering it out of pity and acting like she was homeless. Whenever he would refer to her, he would call her his “roommate” and never his ex. This raised several red flags for me at the time but he didn’t want to talk about it.

He would often compare me to her, saying how much better I was and how she was so “annoying”, “talked too much”, “clingy” and acted like he was so happy to be rid of her and has no idea what she’s up to. 

When we spoke I found out he actively still talks to her as a friend and she also apparently knew nothing of me despite them talking repeatedly while we were dating. She was shocked he had a girlfriend at all and thought he was single. I didn’t even know he was in contact with her during that time, and he knew I had trauma from another ex of mine who used to contact his exes and somehow didn’t bring this up. 

Obviously the relationship is over and he’s a liar but what the??? What’s the point of lying about a relationship’s duration and speaking so poorly of this girl when you’re secretly still talking to her? I’m honestly angry finding this out bc he lied to me from the start but he’s already rebounded with someone new like a month after we broke up so I should probably just move on. I distinctly remember him saying 6 months for the length of his relationship with this girl multiple times. And after learning this I feel bad for the new girl; I wish I could warn her but I won’t.

I should add that he blocked me back after I confronted him with social media proof of him crossing boundaries with his female coworker with a crush on him. So can’t really confront him about this but idk the point anyway. He’s so manipulative that he would calmly claim I misheard him and that they actually dated 2 years. The last time we spoke (about the coworker thing) he talked down to me like I was an annoying little mosquito with absolutely no respect for me as a person at all. Looking back he definitely was encouraging flirting from other women and trying to appear single among the general public, claiming he didn’t want strangers to know we were dating.

So a very quick backstory - F34 broke up with me (M33) just over 3 months ago. It came out of nowhere for me even though I know she was struggling since February due to a negative life event which seemed to trigger some kind of unexplainable feelings of apathy and nothingness towards everything in her life since.

She broke it off a first time around May time, but reconsidered and we got back together, then broke it off at the beginning of July which she has since stuck to.

We spoke for around a week about it after, she told me that I’m the most amazing person and gave me a genuinely beautiful explanation about what she’s been going through and has nothing to give me or anyone, saying that I deserve better, she feels nothing inside for anything, I’m an enlightened man, etc etc. It was more than just being nice to make herself feel better.

She said I’m one of the best people she’s ever met, she also has a history of bad relationships because of being messed over by a toxic ex, like cheats, abusers, liars and so on. She also has childhood trauma of a lack of parental love, so it’s clear that I really am one of the healthiest people she’s been with and met and I was good for her.

She also pushed very hard for a relationship at the beginning and was fast moving, everything was great, loving and perfect and she was the best partner I’ve ever had until this February thing happened.

At the start of the break up she said she wanted to be friends still and really didn’t want to lose me from her life because I’m special to her, and it triggered her anxiety after I went quiet due to the breakup and reminded her of past relationship endings. I said I can’t be friends for obvious reasons and she seemed to have called my bluff. She kept orbiting my Instagram stories and liking my posts for a couple of months after.

I reached out to her a few weeks ago and I was met with coldness and shortness. I thought that she would be warm to my warmth, especially with what she said about wanting me in her life and will even be my ‘best friend’ when I’m ready. But yeah, I feel like she’s treating me like I’m one of her bad exes or something, or someone that wasn’t this amazing person she said about.

I’m so confused as to why she would act like this, never reach out, and why she meets me with coldness after what she said and after I did so much for her and after the beautiful words she said about.

I really can’t understand, clearly I’m still heartbroken and I fell deeper for her than I thought, but still. I can’t work out if she’s an avoidant, if she has depression, underlying mental health or what. Has anyone got any thoughts on this?

Genuine question.

Fearful avoidants are known to be scared of intimacy, vulnerability and accountability.

Deep romantic relationships between two people require those three things I previously mentioned.

And I also found out that the more important you are to them, the faster the discard is. So, I'm genuinely curious what makes them stay so long in relationships and some even get married. Do they secretly compartmentalize or do they keep relationships shallow and low-stakes?

Feel free to express your opinions on this as well.

(edit: should've been a gender neutral title, sorry, i was emotional!)

He never directly trashtalked his exes, but he did bring up certain things as if to say, "look at what she did" to garner some kind emotion towards him at her expense.

For example, he brought up sleeping over at his then-gf's bed, and how he was hanging off of the edge of the bed while she cuddled him. He basically implied he felt suffocated by her clinginess to (god forbid) cuddle. I wish I had been smart enough to ask if he ever verbally brought up that he needed space..

Anyway, that story was told before we started dating, so when he started sleeping over with me, I noticed immediately how he was on the edge every night. I was hyper vigilant of his obvious need for space, so with almost every kind of touch, every hug, every kiss, I was asking if it was okay first.

Even when I was on the opposite end of our very large bed (large enough to comfortably fit a third person in the middle), he stayed on the edge for months. In a typical night, I would ask for his consent to hug him from behind, then hug him for maybe 10 mins before pulling away, even though I would've wanted to cuddle more. There would rarely be reciprocation. When he was comfortable enough to start falling asleep mid-cuddle, I still pulled away, which he woke up from but seemed to overall appreciate/build his trust. I would have had no idea about any this if he hadn't told that story, which was just him venting about being cuddled with, completely leaving out his avoidant personality that's easy to miss as a platonic friend.

i think about her sometimes, and the other exes I've heard about through him, and now how I must be painted in a negative light as he leaves out extremely important details about himself and his lack of verbal self advocacy. It sets off a lot of pent up anger within me.

edit: despite everything, writing this and reliving how much i had tried to accommodate him, and how rewarding it was to see him feeling safe in the little details, it all hurts so much.

While navigating my own breakup, dissecting what really happened became my way of healing—and I wrote this to offer some clarity and comfort to anyone walking this same painful road.

If you’ve recently been blindsided by someone with fearful-avoidant tendencies, you’re probably sitting in shock. One moment you're building a genuine, meaningful connection, and the next, they pull away completely, create conflict out of nowhere, and walk away as if what you shared never existed.

Now you’re stuck replaying every conversation, wondering what you did wrong. Here is what you actually need to hear:

1. Your consistency didn’t ruin things—it scared them.

When you show up with warmth, honesty, and emotional availability, a healthy person leans in. But to someone with deep-seated attachment fears, real closeness feels like losing control. You weren't "too much." You were simply offering authentic intimacy to a nervous system that associates vulnerability with danger.

1. The blame was a defense mechanism.

When an avoidant partner pulls away, they rarely admit they are terrified of getting close. Instead, they rationalize their exit by picking fights, hyper-focusing on small flaws, or convincing themselves that the relationship is draining. Making you the problem in their head is their mind's easiest way to justify running without having to face their own unhealed wounds.

1. Their exit is your closure.

Stop waiting for an honest conversation, a sudden breakthrough, or the mature apology you deserve. A partner who panics and runs simply doesn't have the emotional capacity to give you clear answers. The abrupt silence, the sudden wall of distance, and the refusal to engage aren't puzzles to solve—they are the clearest possible demonstration of their emotional limitations.

1. Don't buy the facade.

Watching them act as if nothing happened, keep themselves constantly busy, or project a carefree life to the outside world hurts. But constant distraction isn't healing. Moving rapidly from one thing to the next is often just a way to keep the volume turned all the way up so they don't have to sit alone with the quiet.

Loving someone with an open heart was never your mistake. It just proved that you are capable of real, grounded connection.

Let go of the urge to decode their behavior, stop waiting for answers that won't come, and take your energy back.

I’m one of the few here who has broken NC several times. I usually go a few months, and then break contact again. (I know: bad habit.) I did see him once before I moved states, and it was honestly really nice and warm and wonderful to see him.. even flirty. But friendship when we are just texting? I’m so done.
He’s selfish, ungrateful, and really the worst friend. Which always kills.. because we were BEST friends when we were in a relationship. I think finally this is the driver to keep NC and stop the faux-friend cycle. Because it’s not what it was prior.

Is your ex-avoidant also a rude friend?

-i sent him an news article I really thought he’d appreciate (as it aligns with his political views). He said “don’t have to time to read anymore. Have too much crap and work in my life.” (Uhh.. most friends would at least say “thank you for sending!”)

-I was staying nearby for work recently and invited him over for a drink (on me). He said “I’m in chaos with kids and life and shit. Life will never give me a break… waaaaaaaaaa” (A “thank you for the invite” would have been polite at minimum.)

- he sent me a pix of his kid winning a football game. I said “congrats! He looks so happy! Were you so proud of him for doing his best? My daughter’s birthday was today..”. He said “yeah. This is how I spend my time off. Going to games with the ex.” (Most friends or even acquaintances would say “happy birthday to your kid!” )

Are any of your ex-avoidant selfish as friends? (Post relationship?)

About ten months ago, I went through a breakup that I’m still struggling to process psychologically.

For context, I was seeing someone for nearly a year. We talked every single day, expressed feelings for each other, and developed what I believed was a meaningful emotional connection. He even asked me to be his boyfriend at one point and wanted me to meet his mother. He shared personal things with me, and I genuinely believed we were building toward something serious.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, he ended everything through a prewritten text message. He later admitted he’d had the message prepared for weeks. Within minutes, he stopped sharing his location and blocked me across practically every platform. He answered one phone call but otherwise gave me almost no opportunity to have a conversation or process what had happened.

He told me he was depressed, needed to be alone, wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that I was holding him back from getting help. He also said he needed to make the breakup as easy as possible for himself.

What makes this especially confusing is that approximately two months later, he was already in another relationship. That relationship eventually ended, and now he’s back on Tinder and actively posting pictures of himself in Facebook dating groups looking to meet other men.

I genuinely cannot reconcile the person who spoke to me every day, expressed affection, wanted me to meet his family, and discussed a future with me with the person who suddenly cut me out of his life as though I never existed.

It’s been almost ten months, and I’ve struggled with emotional numbness, anxiety, difficulty trusting people, and fear of abandonment, even while dating someone new. Sometimes when the person I’m currently seeing leaves my apartment, I experience anxiety and sadness, almost as though I’m preparing myself to never see him again.

I’m not trying to diagnose my ex or suggest he wasn’t allowed to move on. I’m genuinely trying to understand why this experience has affected me so profoundly.

Can an abrupt breakup involving emotional attachment, blocking, and a complete loss of contact cause a trauma-like response? Is there a psychological explanation for why someone can seemingly detach so quickly while the other person remains emotionally affected months later? And most importantly, how do you recover from this without carrying that fear into future relationships?

I’ll probably never send

Avoidant, I really did and do love you. I trusted you in a way I never trusted anyone, in a way I’ll likely struggle to do again. The day you chose to walk away a part of me broke and I don’t think any amount of time will fix me completely. I don’t say that to shame you or to make you feel bad. Honestly, a lot of the changes this pushed me to make are for the better. If anything I should thank you.

The first few weeks there was nothing I wanted more than for you to come back and save me from the hole you put me in. I wanted you to love me, to choose me, to live up to all the promises we made to each other, but you never came. So I did the only thing I could do, I started to read and research how this could happen. Was I the problem? Did I do something wrong? Would you ever come back to me? Should I just move on?

Through my research and honestly borderline obsession I learned more than I ever thought I would know about relationship psychology. As hard as it is for me to accept, we were never going to work out. I think through my own healing I’ve realised how much you’ve been through in your life, and how little time you’ve had to heal.

The woman that loved me, that was vulnerable with me, and looked me in the eyes and told me she wanted a future is not the woman that broke my heart. I know the you that loved me is still in there, I think you’re just protecting yourself in a tragic way. I think the pain you’ve went through in your life has somehow convinced you that you’re not worthy of being loved, or even worse, to fear it because you’ll just end up hurt again. You’ve been hurt so much by life, and it’s so incredibly unfair. I wish I could take all the pain away and show you yourself through my eyes.

No amount of love I could give you could change the fact that you have to heal. If not we’d just do it all again. I say this as a person who loves you even after the greatest pain I’ve ever felt. Please go to therapy, please talk to friends, please read some books about trauma, and please face the parts of yourself that you ran from when you broke my heart.

I truly hope hurting me is enough motivation for you to face your demons head on. You’re one of the strongest people I have ever met, I really mean that. If this heartbreak is the cost of you realising that you truly deserve to, and can let yourself be loved, it’s a cost I’d pay again in a heartbeat.

1 year 9 months ago, I was dating an avoidant who then became the first guy I became intimate with. It was a big deal for me. Apparently not for him.

He then proceeded to treat me terribly and it was a constant push and pull dynamic where he would ghost me and distance himself and then lash out at me if I tried to get him to talk to me again.

He finally admitted that he doesn't believe I love him because he doesn't think anyone is capable of loving him. He then told me to leave him alone. He exhibited multiple signs of an avoidant.

That last conversation broke my heart and had me in tears. That was at the end of last year.

I then found this subreddit and I found it crazy how similar all our experiences were.. started talking to loads of people on here... but I was unable to move on.

Today.. almost 2 years later, I open reddit and see a post from this subreddit. I am proud to say, I have not thought about him in ages... I have moved on and have dated other men I was crazy about...

It will pass. I promise. You can do it. Time heals everything :) I am living proof of it. Just make sure you cut off contact and stay distracted.

I now look back and feel sad for him. But I don't feel the need to get back with him or even talk to him.

This sub was SO important for my healing and survival in the early stages of the wreckage of my DA ex brutally discarding me. She never apologised or took accountability, my pain was never validated, even when she admitted she had been cold to me post breakup. She just didn't see anything wrong with treating me coldly and abruptly cutting me off/abandoning me.

She vehemently denied that she was ever cruel (I could write an essay on how cruel she was during and after the discard), and she tried to tell me I was making up my PTSD diagnosis I've ended up with from everything she's done to me.

And despite it all, I'm healing and moving on. I don't need this sub dragging me back to dark places and memories all the time.

You CAN heal, you CAN move on. I'm not fully healed, but I'm at a place now where I'm filling my life with things that don't include obsessing over understanding her or her behaviour.

Bottom line is she is cruel and immature and trying to get her (and most avoidants) to see the damage they cause is like asking a blind person to describe colours. A useless waste of time and energy.

One day you too will be looking to fill your life with less avoidant-focused content and more of everything else life has to offer. I never thought I'd survive the agony of this experience but I did. I'm still depressed, I'm still working through the PTSD, but I'm genuinely moving on.

I hope this gives anyone in the dark and excruciating early days some hope <3

Got broken up with a DA partner a month ago with no closure. Today I reached out, got stonewalled and got even more worse. One of the stupidest shi- i have ever done. Please if You have the urge to reach out, DO NOT DO IT!! I REPEAT, DO NOT DO IT

I had a four-month long-distance relationship with a fearful-avoidant girlfriend. The first three months of honeymoon period were perfect. Then she suddenly broke up with me, saying she feared the future because of my reactions to arguments, even though she often initiated them and my reactions always seemed to be the main issue.

After the breakup, I begged, cried, and tried to save the relationship. We then spent a month in an on-and-off no-contact period. When she found out I had started dating another girl, she called panicked, cried, and said, “You shouldn't have done that at all” and “I thought we were in love,” despite previously telling me not to hope for reconciliation.

Later, she became cold again and rejected my calls. After receiving her cold text, I replied, “I don't want you anyways. I've realised you're not emotionally enough for me.” which i think its too much.

Honestly, I still love her, but after she told me not to hope, I suffered and started struggling to move on. Her emotional reaction to me followes by her withdrawal drags me back again to the suffering, regrets, and confusion.

Did my last text break the cycle, or did I reinforce the same push-pull dynamic?

This summer in a small town that I visit every year for vacations a girl who works at a local café used a regular customer to signal interest in me. She had noticed me before and asked him to find out if I was from the area. I found her on Instagram and we started talking. Within a week things got very intense. She texted first every day, proposed the first date herself, was warm and attentive in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time. We went on a date, it was an amazing day. Two days later she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship. I never brought it up or signaled I wanted one.

What I found out over time: she had lost someone she had been casually seeing for about a month, nothing official, in an accident about 2 weeks before she approached me. She has a difficult background, abandoned by her parents, raised by her grandmother who passed away last year. We both opened up about our pasts pretty early on and connected over having similar difficult upbringings, both of us dealing with absent or toxic parents. She mentioned she doesn’t have many friends and keeps mostly to herself. In the moments where she was most vulnerable with me she ended up deleting those messages afterwards, which I took as shame or regret about having opened up.

After the date her interest started fading. She ran hot and cold a lot. We’d see each other at the café regularly but always kept up a stranger act since it’s a small town where everyone knows everyone. Before I left she dropped the act completely in front of her uncle and her boss, asked me what time I was leaving the next day, and looked genuinely disappointed when I said I didn’t know. I kept it neutral.

She also told me to keep a book she’d left at my place, saying she wanted me to “carry a part of her” with me. When I got back to my hometown I sent her a long heartfelt message referencing our shared difficult upbringings, telling her I understood her, that she mattered, no anger, no demands. She never replied. That was 3 months ago. I deleted her contact so I wouldn’t fall into the trap of messaging her.

Now I’m back and staying for a while, something I’d mentioned to her earlier in the summer. She still works there. Since returning she regularly seeks eye contact and holds it until I look away, smiles at me, and goes warm and cold depending on who's there. She has my contact and has never reached out.

I’ve done a lot of work on this, therapy, reading about attachment theory, and she ticks almost every box for fearful avoidant. I understand her behavior intellectually. What I can’t reconcile is the consistent in person signals against 3 months of complete silence.

I feel like silence itself is a form of rejection, but our in person interactions seem to point otherwise. My therapist suggested that if I want to pursue, to drop the stranger act in a quiet moment and just ask how she’s been, keep it simple and warm. If I want distance, to stay neutral and surface level.

I’m not trying to chase her. I just want clarity, either something real or a clean rejection so I can stop being confused. I know I’m emotionally invested. She initiated everything from the start, pursued me, escalated the intimacy, and then pulled back. She hurt me and never once acknowledged it.

What would you do?

The breakup is coming up on 2 months ago and I am still holding on and can’t seem to get myself out of this funk that I’m in. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to let it go and should be over it by now.

A little back story, for the entirety of the relationship I was in school. When he first brought up the “what are we” conversation, I told her that I couldn’t give her what she needed in a relationship. We didn’t talk for 2 months then out of the blue she texted again. We started to hang out and I could no longer ignore my feelings for her, I brought up the topic and while we didn’t label it right away, that was when we started dating.

Over the next 10 months of dating, there were 2 times that she brought up where she was unsure about the relationship. Both times we talked in person and after talking she decided that she wanted to keep trying.

She also went back to school this year to get her masters degree and for the last 2-3 months of the relationship we were both in school. I graduate next month. When we broke up she had left for a camping trip with a friend and I hadn’t talked to her in a couple of days so I was excited to see her and at first she seemed excited too. Then a couple of hours later I asked to hang out and she said she wanted to talk. I knew what was coming and tried to prepare for it the best I could.

I tried to talk it out again but this time around she had already decided. She said the same thing I did, that she couldn’t give me what I needed in a relationship and that I deserved someone better. Said that she handles stress differently than I do. I tried to tell her we’ll make it work because I don’t want to be with anyone else, that I see a future for us.

I have been viewing this as an avoidant discard based on some comments she made, “I always thought I’d end up alone”, “I don’t make future plans because this could end at any time”, “I push people away when I get stressed/overwhelmed.”

Am I actually dealing with an avoidant? Or am I making this into something that it’s not?

There are just so many confusing things that are making me so unsure. She wanted to “date with intention” but then at the end says “she always planned to end up single”? Said she wanted this forever, but then ended it the second she’d be in a more vulnerable situation? Told me that she loved me then hours later broke up with me?

Last question, am I wrong to keep holding on to hope that one day she’ll reach out? I wouldn’t want the relationship back unless we both acknowledge the previous issues and work to fix them and become better people together, but I do hope one day that happens. Am I delusional?

A lot of missing back story but I’d just write a book if I wanted to explain it all 😑

My FA ex and I were on and off since January 2022. I gave him an ultimatum at the end of 2024. It wasn’t something that I particularly wanted to do, but I was getting so physically sick of the intermittentness of the relationship dynamic he had created. And he said he’d choose healthier habits for us. He struggled a lot in his childhood, and I feel like I always gave him an excuse to treat me poorly. Of course he’s told me that I complete him, nobody comes remotely close to how he feels about me, I have the best heart… I’m so amazing and I mean so much to him. Then he goes weeks without talking to me and just tells me that he’s gone into himself and I should know that this is just how he is. He can’t sustain closeness for very long! Blah blah the usual

Last year in 2025, I ended things for good and went no contact and of course he was calling me probably every month in the middle of the night. But he didn’t want to repair things/wasn’t capable of doing so. This year for whatever reason, I answered one of those phone calls and we started things back up again. I started getting physically sick again. In May, I told him I’m done, I never want to see him/hear from him again. That I accepted a new job somewhere and I am moving away (at the time, I actually was about to move, but at the last minute I didn’t due to family obligations).

I just found out that two weeks after I went no contact and ended things for good with him, he met somebody and is in a fully committed/exclusive relationship.

I remember literally just a couple months ago telling him that I’m done and he was laughing. Scoffing almost. That home is home. I’ll be back.

Did he change for her? Am I just telling myself that he rebounded?

My friend/family keep telling me that I held a mirror up to him. That he wasn’t capable/willing to change. And that somebody doesn’t just automatically heal in weeks with substance abuse, closeness/intimacy/Withdrawl issues.

Unless she has magical unicorn skin woven into her bedsheets lol. I feel like deep down. I know that he hasn’t really changed in this new relationship is probably new and he obviously doesn’t have years of repairing to do.

I feel like I know him better than anybody. Even his friends have told me that they don’t even know half of the shit that he’s put me through because he doesn’t talk about anything with anyone except for me. But it cost me a lot, being his emotional punching bag.

So… Did they truly change or is it a mask that they’ve put on with the newbie?

Hello-2.5 months into a breakup with a FA. We left of on good terms which made the breakup all the more tough. Issues surrounded her career, finances, and an emotional disconnect that came with her avoidant tendencies. I could tell she was pulling away so I sat her down and we decided to break up. She admitted it there was a lot on her end

Month 1 and 2 was tough, but I managed to make it through. Going into October I was really hopeful and was thinking about putting myself back out there again. Then this week, I went to a concert, something we used to do together, and had a good time. But on the way home back, all I could think of was how I wish we could get back together. Since then I can’t stop with the scenarios of us getting back together and how I can win her over again. But I know logically it doesn’t make sense. I know that an avoidant can’t change in 2.5 months.

How do you guys deal with this? I’m sure I’m not the only one to go through this.

It’s only in the past couple of years I realized that I became an avoidant myself, after being in an on again off again relationship with one for over a decade and having a child with him. When I started out in the dating world, I am positive I had a secure attachment style, but through one abusive and then the above avoidant relationship, I became the avoidant one. 

It was really hard to see that I was being that way, I was always concerned about the feelings of the other person, and wanted to do better, and I believe I became avoidant both to avoid the kind of hurt I’d experienced in previous relationships and to avoid hurting someone else, because I could feel my own urge to pull away and knew that wasn’t fair to him. 

I am with someone wonderful now, who I discarded out of fear he would turn out the same many years ago and have kept coming back to over the years but only recently really fully trying to go back to who I was before all of the above happened, and it’s been 6 months, things are going really well. I love him so much and I am doing everything I can to remind myself I can trust him, he has proven that over and over again. I know it can be hard to be discarded by an avoidant and I never thought I would be the cause of someone’s pain that way. Getting to the other side of it and realizing that was what I was doing was really hard. But it’s not impossible. 

I don’t want to tell anyone to hang in there with someone who is abusive, I’ve done that and been told that and I know it’s only damaging. I just want to say that if there is someone who really truly wants to change and understands what they are doing, they can. I am fighting my own urge to be scared and think he’s going to hurt me and run away all of the time and I am WINNING against it. Every day it gets a little easier. There is hope, if you really want to change. Thank you for listening.

Hey there, I’m here after reeling over a quasi-relationship that I’m just trying to understand, I guess.

It only lasted a couple months, but I was excited about them. We both were in LTRs before each other.

At first all seemed great, heard from mutual friends how much they liked me, etc. But gradually I just kept getting left on “delivered” for days at a time. Not even Read! Which hurt my feelings. You’d think if someone is interested that they would be like. … Interested

I told them as much, and they said they were just busy with work. Okay.

I then found out they’re still hanging out with their ex, which made me jealous and uncomfortable. I told them as much and asked if they actually liked me, or if we were just banging. They said they did actually like me but wanted to take it slow bc the fallout of their LTR was really hard. And on that note, their LTR ex was their long time friend so yes they still hang out, but “not like that.” Ok.

Well. If you’re still hanging out and engaging with the person that, by your own admission, is what’s holding you back from moving on, like…. What are we doing here? I’m not asking for some grand commitment, just to not get consistently ghosted.

We had a date planned and at the last minute they cancelled for a seemingly valid reason. I was understanding, but there was no follow up of a make up date

I took “taking it slow” as literally taking it slow, but still building a connection. Not just being kept at arms length for an undetermined, perhaps indefinite length of time. Like. Will this be the exact same story in 6 months? I could’ve been sleeping with someone who ACTUALLY wants to be with me.

After getting left on delivered for another several days, I sent a text that said this is not what I’m looking for, it’s clear I am not a priority, which is fine, no hard feelings, but if I’m gonna be sleeping with someone, I need to be prioritized. I just do, sorry it’s who I am and what I need. Wished them well and blocked them immediately before they could respond.

I blocked mostly because I couldn’t stomach it if they didn’t answer, and at least this way, I can console myself with the assumption that they tried to. But I created my own abject hell of wanting a response I can’t receive.

I also didn’t trust myself to hold my own boundary, undermine my own credibility by accepting yet another apology and getting sucked into the same cycle.

They know where to find me though if they want to talk. I was hoping they would step it up. I’m just confused and disappointed.

Do they sound like a DA? I’m new to this discourse and just trying to understand wtaf, I guess. Am I refusing to accept that maybe they’re not, and I was just a human fleshlight expecting too much out of a months-long hookup (who claimed, to me and others, that they really liked me)?

Also, reading about discards… was the way I handled it, avoidant in itself?

SOS am I insane

I started writing this song right after the breakup with my ex (a bit over 3 months ago). I am grateful I discovered attachment theory and this reddit group because of her, but also, like many of you, was completely blindsided by sudden coldness and very hurtful and scary behaviour.

The full song will be on youtube.com/eyemèr next week; this is already a snippet :).

This sub has been keeping me sane. Something I can't explain is that while I'm writing out some of the things that truly hurt me, I also get this strong compulsion to get back together with him.

I do love him, I would do it all over again, I don't regret our relationship - I regret not reading up on what avoidant attachment theory was. But I also understand that there's a risk that, since I put so much time and energy and my sanity into our relationship, I may have an underlying sunk cost fallacy that's keeping me from moving on.

Does anyone else feel this way? What else could it be? I could remember something and get angry or cry, and yet I would still want to feel these things in his arms (physical affection I only got a handful of times, but you get the gist..)

Hey, unsure if there’s a point to this. It’s been 11 months since I woke up to a note and her leaving nine years of shared life dreams family and love behind and never looking back. She said we would talk, we never did, she gave me different reasons and why’s and none of em made sense, she left me in one of the hardest parts of my life, a couple of months later my best friend died, he was the only witness to my life and relationship with her, I no longer even have anyone to talk to about it.

I worked on myself for months now, I’ve improved my health, lost a lot of weight, improved my body, tried to move past this, but I can’t, I think about her everyday sometimes for hours, the smallest thing can come up that reminds me of her or makes me miss her and I completely breakdown, I tried dating, and it was very unsuccessful, I felt like I was cheating on her when I went out, I know it’s stupid, I just don’t see a point in waking up anymore, I used to have goals and dreams for a future with a family and kids, now I don’t even see that, I’ve lost all motivation and taste for life, and I really don’t understand how people can just do this to the ones they claimed they loved.

Sorry long winded, and I’m not even sure what the point of it is, venting I guess, the people around me don’t get why I haven’t just moved on, and I don’t know how to even explain it.