This sub was SO important for my healing and survival in the early stages of the wreckage of my DA ex brutally discarding me. She never apologised or took accountability, my pain was never validated, even when she admitted she had been cold to me post breakup. She just didn't see anything wrong with treating me coldly and abruptly cutting me off/abandoning me.

She vehemently denied that she was ever cruel (I could write an essay on how cruel she was during and after the discard), and she tried to tell me I was making up my PTSD diagnosis I've ended up with from everything she's done to me.

And despite it all, I'm healing and moving on. I don't need this sub dragging me back to dark places and memories all the time.

You CAN heal, you CAN move on. I'm not fully healed, but I'm at a place now where I'm filling my life with things that don't include obsessing over understanding her or her behaviour.

Bottom line is she is cruel and immature and trying to get her (and most avoidants) to see the damage they cause is like asking a blind person to describe colours. A useless waste of time and energy.

One day you too will be looking to fill your life with less avoidant-focused content and more of everything else life has to offer. I never thought I'd survive the agony of this experience but I did. I'm still depressed, I'm still working through the PTSD, but I'm genuinely moving on.

I hope this gives anyone in the dark and excruciating early days some hope <3

While navigating my own breakup, dissecting what really happened became my way of healing—and I wrote this to offer some clarity and comfort to anyone walking this same painful road.

If you’ve recently been blindsided by someone with fearful-avoidant tendencies, you’re probably sitting in shock. One moment you're building a genuine, meaningful connection, and the next, they pull away completely, create conflict out of nowhere, and walk away as if what you shared never existed.

Now you’re stuck replaying every conversation, wondering what you did wrong. Here is what you actually need to hear:

1. Your consistency didn’t ruin things—it scared them.

When you show up with warmth, honesty, and emotional availability, a healthy person leans in. But to someone with deep-seated attachment fears, real closeness feels like losing control. You weren't "too much." You were simply offering authentic intimacy to a nervous system that associates vulnerability with danger.

1. The blame was a defense mechanism.

When an avoidant partner pulls away, they rarely admit they are terrified of getting close. Instead, they rationalize their exit by picking fights, hyper-focusing on small flaws, or convincing themselves that the relationship is draining. Making you the problem in their head is their mind's easiest way to justify running without having to face their own unhealed wounds.

1. Their exit is your closure.

Stop waiting for an honest conversation, a sudden breakthrough, or the mature apology you deserve. A partner who panics and runs simply doesn't have the emotional capacity to give you clear answers. The abrupt silence, the sudden wall of distance, and the refusal to engage aren't puzzles to solve—they are the clearest possible demonstration of their emotional limitations.

1. Don't buy the facade.

Watching them act as if nothing happened, keep themselves constantly busy, or project a carefree life to the outside world hurts. But constant distraction isn't healing. Moving rapidly from one thing to the next is often just a way to keep the volume turned all the way up so they don't have to sit alone with the quiet.

Loving someone with an open heart was never your mistake. It just proved that you are capable of real, grounded connection.

Let go of the urge to decode their behavior, stop waiting for answers that won't come, and take your energy back.

1 year 9 months ago, I was dating an avoidant who then became the first guy I became intimate with. It was a big deal for me. Apparently not for him.

He then proceeded to treat me terribly and it was a constant push and pull dynamic where he would ghost me and distance himself and then lash out at me if I tried to get him to talk to me again.

He finally admitted that he doesn't believe I love him because he doesn't think anyone is capable of loving him. He then told me to leave him alone. He exhibited multiple signs of an avoidant.

That last conversation broke my heart and had me in tears. That was at the end of last year.

I then found this subreddit and I found it crazy how similar all our experiences were.. started talking to loads of people on here... but I was unable to move on.

Today.. almost 2 years later, I open reddit and see a post from this subreddit. I am proud to say, I have not thought about him in ages... I have moved on and have dated other men I was crazy about...

It will pass. I promise. You can do it. Time heals everything :) I am living proof of it. Just make sure you cut off contact and stay distracted.

I now look back and feel sad for him. But I don't feel the need to get back with him or even talk to him.

Hey, unsure if there’s a point to this. It’s been 11 months since I woke up to a note and her leaving nine years of shared life dreams family and love behind and never looking back. She said we would talk, we never did, she gave me different reasons and why’s and none of em made sense, she left me in one of the hardest parts of my life, a couple of months later my best friend died, he was the only witness to my life and relationship with her, I no longer even have anyone to talk to about it.

I worked on myself for months now, I’ve improved my health, lost a lot of weight, improved my body, tried to move past this, but I can’t, I think about her everyday sometimes for hours, the smallest thing can come up that reminds me of her or makes me miss her and I completely breakdown, I tried dating, and it was very unsuccessful, I felt like I was cheating on her when I went out, I know it’s stupid, I just don’t see a point in waking up anymore, I used to have goals and dreams for a future with a family and kids, now I don’t even see that, I’ve lost all motivation and taste for life, and I really don’t understand how people can just do this to the ones they claimed they loved.

Sorry long winded, and I’m not even sure what the point of it is, venting I guess, the people around me don’t get why I haven’t just moved on, and I don’t know how to even explain it.

I’m one of the few here who has broken NC several times. I usually go a few months, and then break contact again. (I know: bad habit.) I did see him once before I moved states, and it was honestly really nice and warm and wonderful to see him.. even flirty. But friendship when we are just texting? I’m so done.
He’s selfish, ungrateful, and really the worst friend. Which always kills.. because we were BEST friends when we were in a relationship. I think finally this is the driver to keep NC and stop the faux-friend cycle. Because it’s not what it was prior.

Is your ex-avoidant also a rude friend?

-i sent him an news article I really thought he’d appreciate (as it aligns with his political views). He said “don’t have to time to read anymore. Have too much crap and work in my life.” (Uhh.. most friends would at least say “thank you for sending!”)

-I was staying nearby for work recently and invited him over for a drink (on me). He said “I’m in chaos with kids and life and shit. Life will never give me a break… waaaaaaaaaa” (A “thank you for the invite” would have been polite at minimum.)

- he sent me a pix of his kid winning a football game. I said “congrats! He looks so happy! Were you so proud of him for doing his best? My daughter’s birthday was today..”. He said “yeah. This is how I spend my time off. Going to games with the ex.” (Most friends or even acquaintances would say “happy birthday to your kid!” )

Are any of your ex-avoidant selfish as friends? (Post relationship?)

About ten months ago, I went through a breakup that I’m still struggling to process psychologically.

For context, I was seeing someone for nearly a year. We talked every single day, expressed feelings for each other, and developed what I believed was a meaningful emotional connection. He even asked me to be his boyfriend at one point and wanted me to meet his mother. He shared personal things with me, and I genuinely believed we were building toward something serious.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, he ended everything through a prewritten text message. He later admitted he’d had the message prepared for weeks. Within minutes, he stopped sharing his location and blocked me across practically every platform. He answered one phone call but otherwise gave me almost no opportunity to have a conversation or process what had happened.

He told me he was depressed, needed to be alone, wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that I was holding him back from getting help. He also said he needed to make the breakup as easy as possible for himself.

What makes this especially confusing is that approximately two months later, he was already in another relationship. That relationship eventually ended, and now he’s back on Tinder and actively posting pictures of himself in Facebook dating groups looking to meet other men.

I genuinely cannot reconcile the person who spoke to me every day, expressed affection, wanted me to meet his family, and discussed a future with me with the person who suddenly cut me out of his life as though I never existed.

It’s been almost ten months, and I’ve struggled with emotional numbness, anxiety, difficulty trusting people, and fear of abandonment, even while dating someone new. Sometimes when the person I’m currently seeing leaves my apartment, I experience anxiety and sadness, almost as though I’m preparing myself to never see him again.

I’m not trying to diagnose my ex or suggest he wasn’t allowed to move on. I’m genuinely trying to understand why this experience has affected me so profoundly.

Can an abrupt breakup involving emotional attachment, blocking, and a complete loss of contact cause a trauma-like response? Is there a psychological explanation for why someone can seemingly detach so quickly while the other person remains emotionally affected months later? And most importantly, how do you recover from this without carrying that fear into future relationships?

Got broken up with a DA partner a month ago with no closure. Today I reached out, got stonewalled and got even more worse. One of the stupidest shi- i have ever done. Please if You have the urge to reach out, DO NOT DO IT!! I REPEAT, DO NOT DO IT

I’m really going through it. It is physically hurting me from the inside to detach myself from this horrible human. How do you deal with this pain? The wound feels so fresh after 4 months. I’d rather have physical pain than this emotional torture.

(edit: should've been a gender neutral title, sorry, i was emotional!)

He never directly trashtalked his exes, but he did bring up certain things as if to say, "look at what she did" to garner some kind emotion towards him at her expense.

For example, he brought up sleeping over at his then-gf's bed, and how he was hanging off of the edge of the bed while she cuddled him. He basically implied he felt suffocated by her clinginess to (god forbid) cuddle. I wish I had been smart enough to ask if he ever verbally brought up that he needed space..

Anyway, that story was told before we started dating, so when he started sleeping over with me, I noticed immediately how he was on the edge every night. I was hyper vigilant of his obvious need for space, so with almost every kind of touch, every hug, every kiss, I was asking if it was okay first.

Even when I was on the opposite end of our very large bed (large enough to comfortably fit a third person in the middle), he stayed on the edge for months. In a typical night, I would ask for his consent to hug him from behind, then hug him for maybe 10 mins before pulling away, even though I would've wanted to cuddle more. There would rarely be reciprocation. When he was comfortable enough to start falling asleep mid-cuddle, I still pulled away, which he woke up from but seemed to overall appreciate/build his trust. I would have had no idea about any this if he hadn't told that story, which was just him venting about being cuddled with, completely leaving out his avoidant personality that's easy to miss as a platonic friend.

i think about her sometimes, and the other exes I've heard about through him, and now how I must be painted in a negative light as he leaves out extremely important details about himself and his lack of verbal self advocacy. It sets off a lot of pent up anger within me.

edit: despite everything, writing this and reliving how much i had tried to accommodate him, and how rewarding it was to see him feeling safe in the little details, it all hurts so much.

We broke up a week ago and I’m devastated. I ended it because she just started to phase me out after this. Was coming up on a year of long distance dating. She just came to visit and we had an amazing time together. Just feeling down… I know this is a part of it, but it’s still so hard to wrap your brain around how someone can want you so badly one day, and weeks later act like they never wanted you at all.

Hello-2.5 months into a breakup with a FA. We left of on good terms which made the breakup all the more tough. Issues surrounded her career, finances, and an emotional disconnect that came with her avoidant tendencies. I could tell she was pulling away so I sat her down and we decided to break up. She admitted it there was a lot on her end

Month 1 and 2 was tough, but I managed to make it through. Going into October I was really hopeful and was thinking about putting myself back out there again. Then this week, I went to a concert, something we used to do together, and had a good time. But on the way home back, all I could think of was how I wish we could get back together. Since then I can’t stop with the scenarios of us getting back together and how I can win her over again. But I know logically it doesn’t make sense. I know that an avoidant can’t change in 2.5 months.

How do you guys deal with this? I’m sure I’m not the only one to go through this.

I’ll probably never send

Avoidant, I really did and do love you. I trusted you in a way I never trusted anyone, in a way I’ll likely struggle to do again. The day you chose to walk away a part of me broke and I don’t think any amount of time will fix me completely. I don’t say that to shame you or to make you feel bad. Honestly, a lot of the changes this pushed me to make are for the better. If anything I should thank you.

The first few weeks there was nothing I wanted more than for you to come back and save me from the hole you put me in. I wanted you to love me, to choose me, to live up to all the promises we made to each other, but you never came. So I did the only thing I could do, I started to read and research how this could happen. Was I the problem? Did I do something wrong? Would you ever come back to me? Should I just move on?

Through my research and honestly borderline obsession I learned more than I ever thought I would know about relationship psychology. As hard as it is for me to accept, we were never going to work out. I think through my own healing I’ve realised how much you’ve been through in your life, and how little time you’ve had to heal.

The woman that loved me, that was vulnerable with me, and looked me in the eyes and told me she wanted a future is not the woman that broke my heart. I know the you that loved me is still in there, I think you’re just protecting yourself in a tragic way. I think the pain you’ve went through in your life has somehow convinced you that you’re not worthy of being loved, or even worse, to fear it because you’ll just end up hurt again. You’ve been hurt so much by life, and it’s so incredibly unfair. I wish I could take all the pain away and show you yourself through my eyes.

No amount of love I could give you could change the fact that you have to heal. If not we’d just do it all again. I say this as a person who loves you even after the greatest pain I’ve ever felt. Please go to therapy, please talk to friends, please read some books about trauma, and please face the parts of yourself that you ran from when you broke my heart.

I truly hope hurting me is enough motivation for you to face your demons head on. You’re one of the strongest people I have ever met, I really mean that. If this heartbreak is the cost of you realising that you truly deserve to, and can let yourself be loved, it’s a cost I’d pay again in a heartbeat.

My FA ex and I were on and off since January 2022. I gave him an ultimatum at the end of 2024. It wasn’t something that I particularly wanted to do, but I was getting so physically sick of the intermittentness of the relationship dynamic he had created. And he said he’d choose healthier habits for us. He struggled a lot in his childhood, and I feel like I always gave him an excuse to treat me poorly. Of course he’s told me that I complete him, nobody comes remotely close to how he feels about me, I have the best heart… I’m so amazing and I mean so much to him. Then he goes weeks without talking to me and just tells me that he’s gone into himself and I should know that this is just how he is. He can’t sustain closeness for very long! Blah blah the usual

Last year in 2025, I ended things for good and went no contact and of course he was calling me probably every month in the middle of the night. But he didn’t want to repair things/wasn’t capable of doing so. This year for whatever reason, I answered one of those phone calls and we started things back up again. I started getting physically sick again. In May, I told him I’m done, I never want to see him/hear from him again. That I accepted a new job somewhere and I am moving away (at the time, I actually was about to move, but at the last minute I didn’t due to family obligations).

I just found out that two weeks after I went no contact and ended things for good with him, he met somebody and is in a fully committed/exclusive relationship.

I remember literally just a couple months ago telling him that I’m done and he was laughing. Scoffing almost. That home is home. I’ll be back.

Did he change for her? Am I just telling myself that he rebounded?

My friend/family keep telling me that I held a mirror up to him. That he wasn’t capable/willing to change. And that somebody doesn’t just automatically heal in weeks with substance abuse, closeness/intimacy/Withdrawl issues.

Unless she has magical unicorn skin woven into her bedsheets lol. I feel like deep down. I know that he hasn’t really changed in this new relationship is probably new and he obviously doesn’t have years of repairing to do.

I feel like I know him better than anybody. Even his friends have told me that they don’t even know half of the shit that he’s put me through because he doesn’t talk about anything with anyone except for me. But it cost me a lot, being his emotional punching bag.

So… Did they truly change or is it a mask that they’ve put on with the newbie?

Look I get it. This was my first major relationship at 30. And she was much more experienced at 29.

I get I don’t initiate sex enough, i could’ve bought more flowers or been better at planning. I should’ve spoke up more.

Idk why I was so passive or scared. I wasn’t scared of you, I just was trying to build an airplane while flying.

And the way you broke up with me hurt. It’s clear we were still attached after. We had a real connection. To be the guy you wanted to us breaking up is my failure.

You could’ve told me in person instead of over text.

I just want YOU back, and I pray to god you come back. You got a new man now, and I’m sure he’s everything I’m not.

When you told me you love me still, I know you meant it. Because I still love you too. When you told me that I was the first guy you told this too after your fiancee I know you meant it. When you told me you’ve never felt this way before I get it - because I haven’t either. You’re the first person I opened my heart to.

I don’t regret a single moment we spent together.

I just want another chance love.

I’m kinda hung up on a guy I dated 10 years ago

Already feeling embarrassed after typing the title, but here goes.

I don’t know why I still miss him sometimes. I don’t think about him often, but when I do, a lot of strong feelings come flooding back. It doesn’t feel fair for me to have such strong feelings since I massively sabotaged the relationship at the time. It was my first relationship and I made a mess of it.

For context, I had really strict and overbearing parents that got into my head when we started dating (we were 16). My mum especially expressed open distaste for the relationship, which looking back can be explained by her being racist towards east asians since this is a pattern that has only been repeated when I mention asian guys. My parents told me I needed to focus on studying and my mum’s negative reaction made me think it was somehow a bad idea to date.

We had like one or two really good days after 2-3 years of friendship/mutual crushes and constant texting. I wish I knew then that I have a tendency to be avoidant in relationships if I’m not wary, but I didn’t even know what that meant back then.

I got overwhelmed by the situation - my strong feelings for him, my parents’ disapproval, and other life stress, and I dumped him rather out of the blue. And even worse, I told him not to tell anyone we even dated. 16 year old me was cruel.

I’m quite ashamed by how I treated this guy, and he was so kind and sweet but years later he confessed to me that it really hurt that I ended it so suddenly and with not much of an explanation. We ended up staying good friends throughout high school and we’re still pretty close now (like we could phone each other up without warning and talk for an hour or so kinda close).

I live on another continent now and the industry I’m in isn’t really thriving back home where he lives. Also, obviously, it’s been a decade. My long term plan is to move back as my whole family lives there, but I would need a work opportunity to open up which would be extremely rare - so me going back is not a guarantee, even though I want to.

We’ve seen each other twice in person since graduating (once quite recently), but I was shocked by how it was still easy to talk to him and (I don’t know if it’s just in my head) how much chemistry we still have. Those two times I saw him really threw me for a loop afterwards as I was surprised by how hard it felt to say goodbye and for a few weeks after each time I was a little depressed.

It might be completely in my head, but I guess my regret is that I never gave it a real chance in the first place and now it’s this big “what if?” in my head. The grass is always greener maybe… or maybe not.

I’ve only dated a handful of guys since then and I seem to gravitate towards very emotionally unavailable guys for some reason, but he isn’t like that so I wonder if that’s why my brain freaked out, because he was actually showing affection and being emotionally available.

When I broke up with him I guess I couldn’t have known but I haven’t experienced a connection like that ever since. At the time it was all I knew, and now with hindsight and experience I realise it was rare. I’m not sure if I’ll ever admit this to him, but it’s on my mind every now and then.

I started writing this song right after the breakup with my ex (a bit over 3 months ago). I am grateful I discovered attachment theory and this reddit group because of her, but also, like many of you, was completely blindsided by sudden coldness and very hurtful and scary behaviour.

The full song will be on youtube.com/eyemèr next week; this is already a snippet :).

As with any FA breakup there were multiple and there’s so much to say about the highs and lows of the relationship. I’m still in love with him and not going back is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

He broke up with me a total of 3 times. He came back after the second breakup telling me he had a gut feeling I was the one and that he wanted to do the work to earn back my trust. Then he broke up with me again 2.5 months later saying it was true at the time but not anymore. I texted him 2 days after the breakup trying to repair and he didn’t respond.

4 months later he reached out…

Him: Hi ecpella, how have you been?

Me (2 days later): Hey FA ex. I care about you deeply. I was hurt by the way things ended and your decision not to respond to my last text. If I thought you were reaching out now because you were truly ready for a real relationship and to be a partner to me nothing could make me happier. But I know that’s not the case and you have things you need to figure out starting with your health. I hope you can learn to love yourself before you try to love anyone else. You were always enough. I can’t repeat the cycle.

Him (20 min later): I just wanted to know how you were doing.
I created distance initially because I did not want to foster a drawn out situation.
But now that some time has passed I figured it would be ok to say hello and check on you.

Me (1 day later): I’m doing the best I can but I’m heartbroken FA ex, okay? Nothing has changed for me and I told you it wouldn’t. And I lost both my grandma and my cat this weekend. And then I heard from you… just so you could tell me how over it you are? I’m not, okay. Now you know.

Him (3 hours later): I don't know what to say, other than I'm sorry. I'm praying for you.
(2 min later he sent another text): I’m also not over it

I didn’t respond and it’s been over a month. My bday passed last weekend and he didn’t reach out. I have been distraught over this and questioning if I made a mistake and drafted a dozen unsent responses.

I know you guys are the only people who can understand and help me feel like I’m not crazy and doing the right thing.

I was in an on-and-off long distance relationship with a guy for 4 years. He never gave me the proper commitment I wanted, but he would come back into my life and give me hope but never commitment even after I blocked him many times.

The last time he came back in 2025, he told me he regretted losing me and wanted me in his life. He loves me and wants to marry me and I'm his last girl. I trusted him again. But there were fights 2-3 times regarding previous hurt he had caused me followed by me blocking him and then unblocking him again and then we started talking normally.

However, once, when I asked him for help with a college assignment, he didn't want to help. I felt hurt and stopped talking to him for a week, but eventually, I reached out to him again. This time, he ghosted me permanently.

Around 3–4 months later, he got into a new relationship, and now it's been a year. From what I can see, their relationship seems to be going well.

I'm struggling to digest the fact that he couldn't give me the commitment I wanted for years, yet he seems to be making things work with someone else. People told me that he would eventually come back, that his new relationship wouldn't last, and that he would repeat the same behaviour with his new girlfriend. But he hasn't come back, and their relationship is still going. He has deleted my number.

Now I'm starting to wonder whether I was the problem. If he can be in a seemingly stable relationship with someone else, does that mean I was the problem? Why hasn't his karma hit him?

Edit: I blocked him twice during our three months relationship in 2025. Once because I got to know he had previously gone to prostitute. I couldn't believe it as this guy used to talk lot of spirituality, osho and achrya prashant and used to read lot of philosophical books

Second time because he broke his promise . He promised to call me but then he said it's his friend's farewell so he can't . I was sad because it always seemed me I'm not his priority. Once I had to fight with him because I said I want to be attached to you if I'm in relationship with you . He said attached is biological but I said idk all that . I'll be attached if I'm in relationship

It’s only in the past couple of years I realized that I became an avoidant myself, after being in an on again off again relationship with one for over a decade and having a child with him. When I started out in the dating world, I am positive I had a secure attachment style, but through one abusive and then the above avoidant relationship, I became the avoidant one. 

It was really hard to see that I was being that way, I was always concerned about the feelings of the other person, and wanted to do better, and I believe I became avoidant both to avoid the kind of hurt I’d experienced in previous relationships and to avoid hurting someone else, because I could feel my own urge to pull away and knew that wasn’t fair to him. 

I am with someone wonderful now, who I discarded out of fear he would turn out the same many years ago and have kept coming back to over the years but only recently really fully trying to go back to who I was before all of the above happened, and it’s been 6 months, things are going really well. I love him so much and I am doing everything I can to remind myself I can trust him, he has proven that over and over again. I know it can be hard to be discarded by an avoidant and I never thought I would be the cause of someone’s pain that way. Getting to the other side of it and realizing that was what I was doing was really hard. But it’s not impossible. 

I don’t want to tell anyone to hang in there with someone who is abusive, I’ve done that and been told that and I know it’s only damaging. I just want to say that if there is someone who really truly wants to change and understands what they are doing, they can. I am fighting my own urge to be scared and think he’s going to hurt me and run away all of the time and I am WINNING against it. Every day it gets a little easier. There is hope, if you really want to change. Thank you for listening.

My ex FA recently came back into my life after breaking up with me in January. 7 months later I responded to one of his stories because I missed him and he had been sending subliminals for the last few months. I decided to bite. He responded to me and we began talking from there. However, the day after we started talking, his father died. While he was going through putting his father to rest, he was texting me, sending long paragraphs letting me know how everything was going. I was surprised.

He came over a week later and we talked for hours and hours. He cried to me. We were intimate. He asked me to the movies. We were talking relatively frequently after that, although I could still sense the avoidant weirdness.

“I trust you,” he said, the next time he came over. “I feel like we can talk about anything. Talking to you and being around you feels so good. I don’t have the kind of relationship with anyone that I do with you,” he said.

Then, for no reason at all, he began to pull away. I hadn’t expressed wanting to be together. I had been busy with a project so I wasn’t even able to respond to him quickly most of the time. I didn’t ask him for anything.

He disappeared for a month. When I reached out, he gave me a long story about being overwhelmed with family disputes—it was the same story as when we were in a relationship. I left him alone. He was posting on IG, with friends, out and about (I would rather die than watch those stories, so I did not).

Then, 2 weeks later, he hits me up on a rainy day:

“Am I still allowed over on rain days?”

Ew.

I didn’t respond. At that point, I was so disgusted by his behavior I didn’t even want to acknowledge that stupid text.

Later that day he called me, which shocked me. He hadn’t picked up his stubby hands to call me in ages. I didn’t pick up.

The next day, he texted me:

“I took off work today. If you wanted to hang out at any point, let me know.”

I didn’t respond to that either. It’s been a week since he reached out and I’ve just been silent. I feel disrespected and turned off. He is trying to have access to me without giving me what I need, which is communication between hanging out.

I do feel a sense of empowerment not responding to him. For the first time, it feels like I have some dignity for myself. And at the same time I miss him. What would you do in this situation?

This sub has been keeping me sane. Something I can't explain is that while I'm writing out some of the things that truly hurt me, I also get this strong compulsion to get back together with him.

I do love him, I would do it all over again, I don't regret our relationship - I regret not reading up on what avoidant attachment theory was. But I also understand that there's a risk that, since I put so much time and energy and my sanity into our relationship, I may have an underlying sunk cost fallacy that's keeping me from moving on.

Does anyone else feel this way? What else could it be? I could remember something and get angry or cry, and yet I would still want to feel these things in his arms (physical affection I only got a handful of times, but you get the gist..)

I had a four-month long-distance relationship with a fearful-avoidant girlfriend. The first three months of honeymoon period were perfect. Then she suddenly broke up with me, saying she feared the future because of my reactions to arguments, even though she often initiated them and my reactions always seemed to be the main issue.

After the breakup, I begged, cried, and tried to save the relationship. We then spent a month in an on-and-off no-contact period. When she found out I had started dating another girl, she called panicked, cried, and said, “You shouldn't have done that at all” and “I thought we were in love,” despite previously telling me not to hope for reconciliation.

Later, she became cold again and rejected my calls. After receiving her cold text, I replied, “I don't want you anyways. I've realised you're not emotionally enough for me.” which i think its too much.

Honestly, I still love her, but after she told me not to hope, I suffered and started struggling to move on. Her emotional reaction to me followes by her withdrawal drags me back again to the suffering, regrets, and confusion.

Did my last text break the cycle, or did I reinforce the same push-pull dynamic?

We dated for 2.5 years (since junior year of Highschool, we’re 19 now) and he recently broke up with me. Our relationship was genuine and we loved each other so much, but towards the end he was struggling with lustful thoughts and wandering eyes.

For months, he would send me paragraphs about how desperately he wanted to change his ways and seek help. He has cried to me multiple times and I can tell that his pain is genuine and his problems run deep. We tried to make it work for months and one day, after talking everything out and still putting in effort to make it work, he officially ended things and stated that he wouldn’t be able to give me the attention that I need and that I deserve better. He also claimed he wouldn’t have the time as he wanted to focus on his music.

Within one week, he was already talking to and posting with another girl on his instagram story. I knew how deeply his problems affected him and how much he wanted to change, but now his actions are showing that he doesn’t want to face these problems at all. He will most likely enter a long term relationship with this new girl and the cycle will continue once his problems resurface.

I know I’m not delusional when I say that he loved me deeply, so how could he move on so fast? Is he truly just done with me? The morning after posting the story with her (which I wouldn’t know about) he called me crying, asking how I am and saying that he misses me and wants to kill himself as he doesn’t know what to do. He also lied at the beginning of the call, saying he hasn’t moved on and he is not talking to anyone, but by the end of the call he was admitting that this new girl is so “pure” and he doesn’t want to hurt her.

How could he move on so fast and forget about the love we had? Does he genuinely not want to heal himself?