I often feel a bit alone with this. I just turned 40, no kids, no husband, no mortgage etc. I used to think I needed "those things", like it was something I had to strive for to have a fulfilled life. The older I get the more I realise how I always valued freedom and not having obligations. I had a difficult childhood with lots of moving around, alcoholic parent etc. Once I got into my 20s I started backpacking, living in Asia, moving around tropical locations etc. A life without many commitments. I have an OK career in tech where I can often work remotely.

I used to think that at some point I will want or wish responsibilities. I turned 40 recently and I just love sleeping in, going on vacations, not having many responsibilities or stressors in life. Maybe this is just my personality and I should embrace it. Sometimes the question comes up if I will be lonely as I get older without family etc but I know even people with kids can be lonely.

I wonder are there women who feel the same in my age group?

I was jut cat sitting for a few days while in San Francisco (i am European and was in California for 5 weeks) and I realised how happy I am to not have pets, even though I loved the cute cat. I am just happy not to have anyone I need to take care of. I also stayed at one of my old friends from my backpacking days in South America. She lives on a farm outside SF. My friend is a single mum and drives around her daughter to hobbies and school all day. It looks exhausting.

All I was thinking on that trip was; OMG I am SO happy I dont have anyone who needs me all the time. I woke up every morning so grateful no one relies on me.

Maybe this is a random post but I cant speak to friends about it, i think it would trigger them.

Each month, I struggle during my luteal phase because I suddenly get these very sad and gloomy moments where I am bombarded by my existential thoughts.

Some days I also feel some sense of loneliness, even though I am have a good family and support system.

Genuinely in a good state where I don’t have any pressing problems or stressors. I just struggle with sad days because it hits me out of the blue and I notice it’s always during luteal.

I tried going to the gym, going out and meet people, journaling, prayer, watching tv…but sometimes it catches up to me and I just do nothing but suffer :( it’s no fun.

So…what do you guys do to help yourself when bad days happen?

Unsure if this will be allowed, but here goes something:

I'm 45, divorced three years ago, and recently came out of a relationship I genuinely thought would last. It's been a month since the breakup (well, he broke up with me), and I'm still heartbroken. Some days I'm in denial; some days I'm overwhelmed by grief. Right now, I'm mostly trying to figure out how to keep moving forward.

A bit about my situation:

• I don't have family in the country I've lived in for the last 15 years. My family and I love each other, but the dynamic is complicated. It's very much a "listen to me, I know best" kind of relationship. I'm also the only one in therapy.
• I don't really have friends anymore. The divorce wiped out most of my social circle, and looking back, many of those friendships felt more like situationships than genuine friendships. They were there when things were easy, but not when life got hard. And if you can believe me, I tried a lot.
• I had one close friend I thought I could count on, but she completely disappeared during this breakup. She never checked in, even though she knew I was going through the hardest period of my life. At one point, I was suicidal and had a plan in place, and she knew that.

So here's my question:

How do you rebuild a life when you've lost trust in people?

I'm signing up for things. Pottery classes. Running events. Other crafty events. I'm trying. I like walking, running, and a few hobbies. But most days, I work from home, leave the TV on in the background, and struggle to find any motivation to get out of the house.

The hardest part is that I don't just feel lonely. I feel disappointed. Every person I truly trusted either left or simply didn't show up when I needed them most. I wasn't asking for someone to fix anything. Honestly, a simple "How are you doing?" text would have meant the world. I have two friends who check in, but I haven't known them forever, and it's the same for them. I worry they will see the mess of a person I am (anxious attachment and a giver) and run away as others did.

For those who have had to rebuild after divorce, heartbreak, isolation, or betrayal: what helped? How did you learn to trust people again without closing yourself off completely?

I considered posting this to grief support but really I need ppl my age weighing in. My mom died last year. Since then I’ve become wildly aware that outside of my mom, my much older siblings want nothing to do with me or each other. They recently messaged that they were all too busy to see each other for the holidays as they were busy with their direct small family or the in- laws. I’m the youngest (48) and have always adored my big sibs. Now I’m heartbroken for us and hope my mom is not looking down on us all with disappointment from heaven. Plus my 85 yr old dad is still around and being treated like a geriatric dog that no one wants responsibility for. I’m sad.

Edit: thanks to many of you, I have new perspective. What’s happening is not unique but common in situations where mom holds the family without the family holding each other. Now that she’s gone my siblings are moving forward with their families and in-laws, while checking on my dad. I seem to be the one stuck in the echoes of what was. I can see my family embracing a new kind of freedom from our commitment. While it’s not what I planned for, I can understand that my family is seeing me as stuck while they try to move on. My dad seems ok. I just thought we’d keep getting together. Thank you all for honesty and sharing!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We have talked about getting married (we've both been married before) but we can't come to an agreement. I would like to be married but while he's not against it, he just doesn't see the need for it.

The other day, he asked me if I thought there was a way we could compromise somehow. My initial reaction was "probably", but I didn't know what that would look like. Now that I've had time to think about it, I don't think there is away to compromise, because really, that would likely mean not getting married, which is what he wants, so it would be ME compromising, or giving in, and not US. I asked him the next day if he thought there was a way to compromise or if he had an idea in mind already, and he admitted that he had no idea and he's not sure if compromise is even possible. So for now, we're both just ignoring it lol.

I'm curious about others' opinions. No right or wrong answer, no judgements on me or him, just thoughts. Do you think it's possible and what could a compromise look like?

I currently use Olaplex. I don’t think it’s doing me any favors. Does anyone have any recommendations for softening aging hair as it becomes courser and drier with age? Either conditioners, post-shower creams, or treatments?

I’ve just started HRT a month ago so don’t yet feel any of the effects. My mood is almost always down and I am struggling to feel hopeful about the future. I have a partner but we’ve gone through several rough patches over the past two years.

I’ve had depression since I was 15 so it’s been 30 years of dealing with my own shit. I’ve been in therapy for years and it’s helped me a lot - but the past two years have been awful in terms of my mental health and it’s hard to see how things can get better from here.

I feel like it wasn’t that long ago I had a lot of friends to hang out with and suddenly I feel like I have very few - many have kids or have moved away after the pandemic. The new ones I meet I struggle to connect with as I’m always in this sad mental state. I suddenly feel very unlikeable so blame myself for a lot of this.

I heard perimenopause might be hellish but I don’t know how I’m much of this is perimenopause or my regular clinical depression. Just needed to share this tonight as I was feeling particularly low.

After 21 yrs married, this 42 yo asked for a divorce (ongoing). Infidelity, questionable behavior etc if you’re curious.

I hear horror stories about dating. Social media - at least my algorithm show women and men pitted against one another.

I am not chewbacca. I work out and am in ok shape, while I have feminine features, I dress comfortably. I don’t dress to attract the male gaze but I would be lying if I didn’t say my insecurities are poking at me .

Do men approach women anymore? What dating apps are trash? And for those concerned, I don’t plan on dating right away. I was married at 19. I have not been on my own. I just want to be realistic with what to expect down the road.

(Edit to respond to the newer posts: I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to post. I understand your advice to focus on myself, I have mentioned that a few times already. Trust me, I well understand the person coming out of this divorce aka me, needs time to adjust and learn many things. That said I am allowed to be curious and have a conversation about this regardless of whether or not I jump in the dating pool a year from now or 5 years from now. There is a lot I want to do!)

I’ve never used any before, I’m for sure the walk up to a person at a bar or somewhere to initiate a conversation. I feel like I’m out of my depth, and I have no idea which one to try. I’m not really looking for a relationship, I just live in the middle of nowhere, and need to get some needs! Any advice, greatly appreciated.

I 38f have only been on a few dates with a guy 44m. There are many things I like about him. We talk well - connect on many subjects from our past professions to politics to humor. He is thoughtful and silly and would make a great dad.

I wonder if I am coming up with reasons to not like him? He texted when he came to my house, like why not come up or even call? He hasn't always walked me to my car or texted that I'm home safe (different when I'm dropped off). We had a nice time at a play and walked around downtown. In the car, we shared a kiss and maybe it was just so new because it was awkward. And maybe he just went to hug me? Or maybe I'm not sexually attracted to him? He didn't even take off his seatbelt.

I'm just struggling how much to pay attention to "chemistry" vs all the other things that line up. I have been single over 6 years and it's really rough out there. Am I idealizing romance? How much should you know you want to keep seeing a person so early on? Is this a new phase for my nervous system? Any advice and insights welcomed.

TLDR: My boyfriend of almost two years has brought up leaving me 5+ times in the past year. When I asked if there’s anything he could do better, he said no. He laughed when I brought up a time he snapped at me for feeling insecure about it. I’m asking for things like support/care when I’m having a bad day and follow-through on commitments to be better to each other. Is this my fault, or am I asking too much?

My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years. He pursued me for about five months before we started dating, and I took a while to say yes because I wasn't sure we were a good match.

Over the past year he has brought up breaking up with me more than five times. He's also talked through whether to leave me with his friends, more than once. He never follows through. A while ago he asked for a three month break from discussing the future of the relationship because the topic made him anxious. I agreed. He broke it himself about three or four weeks in.

At one point I told him it would take me some time to stop feeling anxious and insecure, given how often he'd questioned staying. He snapped at me, told me to knock it off, and said it was really annoying. Yesterday I brought that moment up. He said he didn't remember it and laughed while he said it.

Then I asked him directly if there was anything he thought he could do better in the relationship. He said no, nothing beyond what he's already doing. He said if he tried to change, he'd probably just do it for a week or two to fit what I want and then go back to how he naturally is. Then he asked whether my expectations of him are things he actually wants to be or just things I've asked for. When we parted he said he'd go home and reflect on where he could do better.

Some examples of what I've asked him for:

• When I'm having a hard time every now and then due to some more depressive episodes from my PMDD, etc. help me get out of the funk by getting me out on a walk or ordering in my favorite meal, etc. Don't shut me out and tell me to go deal with it away from you.
• When I tell him something he did hurt me, take responsibility for his part instead of turning it back on me.
• Stick with things he commits to. He usually follows through on change for a week or two and then stops.
• Show up for the things that matter to me. On my birthday he stayed about an hour and skipped the cupcakes and card I'd asked for several times.
• See an ADHD focused therapist to manage his ADHD symptoms better outside of just taking medication for it.

For context on my side: I've been in therapy consistently for years and I work on my own stuff. I've asked him what I can do better and I take it seriously when he answers. I know I've been more anxious in this relationship lately, and I own that.

My question is whether this is my fault. Am I asking too much, or reacting unfairly to how he's acted? I'd rather hear the honest answer than a comfortable one. Does he just hate me? Am I unloveable or just too much of a person? I can't tell if he's just insecure and anxious himself and projecting that onto me and making me insecure/anxious?

Thanks for reading.

I have a fourth and final round job interview coming up for a VP level position on an executive team at a company. All of my interviews so far have been through Zoom, so this will be my first time meeting them in person. Normally, I would wear a business suit for this, but I got an email from the recruiter giving me the schedule for that day, and she told me, “As far as the dress code, the team is not overly “dressy,” please use your best judgement in what you’ll feel comfortable in for a walking facility tour.”

What should I wear for this?

Hello all! I'm 44F and have been working hard on myself in therapy for the last 3 years. I never realized I had so much trauma until all my toxic coping came crashing down after I turned 40. I hit a new low point lost myself and almost lost my marriage before I finally figured out all the ways my thinking and coping were toxic. I've since done hard work and am doing very well. At least on the good days! My marriage is a work in progress but honestly more real and healthier than it was before. Over the journey to mental and emotional balance I have lost or had to end many friendships. One was my best friend of over 20 years. I went from having lots of friends to 2. That's it.

I'm grateful to have my husband still. He is truly my best friend and I enjoy our time together. But I need female friends. Other moms that know the stress of managing a family and work and friends and life and groceries and everything else for everyone. Or just to laugh with about whatever crazy thing is happening in the news. I love sharing memes but my husband doesn't really get perimenopause humor 😂

Does anyone else feel like it's impossible to find healthy female friends?

So in my forties, I find myself made redundant, not in a relationship and no kids. I left a traumatic relationship many years ago and just couldn’t find the strength to get into another one. I had poured everything into my job and being let go when my company restructured and not getting any job after trying for months is leaving me depressed. I see others financially secure, in a relationship and with a family of their own. I feel like a failure. How do I find the strength to encourage myself that everything will be ok? What is the purpose of my life? How do you get over this bump?

I'm a single 39f turning 40 in a few months. Like anyone who has ever existed, my life isn't everything I want--always thought I'd have a kid by now and I don't, always thought I'd be married but despite numerous 2+, 3+, and 5+ year relationships, nothing's worked out and I've largely made peace with this--but I have built a life that is really steady and fulfilling and most importantly mine. I have a job I love and worked hard for; I have a lot of passions I'm good about nurturing; I give back in ways that feel meaningful and keep me balanced. I'd say on a good day, I'm 80% happy with my life. That feels fortunate, especially given the ways I really could've crashed and burned through my own and, occasionally, others' actions (I'm sober now after struggling with alcoholism off/on and I've dated a few abusive men so there were some tough years).

I've thrown several boyfriends killer "turning 40" parties in the past and I find myself anticipating a little disappointment as that date gets closer, since I'm unlikely as a single woman to benefit from that same reciprocity or thoughtfulness. Obviously my life has a ton of meaning and a woman doesn't need to be valuable to someone else for her own life to hold value, but I'll admit it can be an insecurity that surfaces from time to time, despite work I've done around it, since I really feel built for love and family and wish I'd found these things for myself. Part of this, I suspect, is that I'm a year and a half out from a relationship I really thought was 'it,' and I was looking forward to his thoughtfulness and companionship on this milestone, since he and his kiddos gave my life a lot of meaning the last few years and I did everything in my power to make his own fortieth birthday feel really special and ensure he felt seen and celebrated for who he was. In short, I want to make sure any feelings of inadequacy or lack don't fuck up a day I should be really excited and grateful for. I am glad to be here, and I like who I am.

What are some good ways to celebrate a big life milestone as a single, childless woman? I travel alone a lot, so I'm not opposed to taking myself somewhere cool, but I do that pretty often and I think it would feel better to be in community, although I'm not a big partier and the idea of throwing myself a party doesn't hit.

I’m 31 and currently going through a separation from my husband. It’s been an emotionally difficult time, and I’m trying to figure out what I want my life to look like moving forward.

I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and about eight years of experience working in healthcare. I’m considering going back to school for nursing, with the eventual goal of becoming a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I’m also plus-size and deal with some physical and mental health challenges, which sometimes make me nervous about starting such a demanding career path in my 30s.

On top of that, I’m navigating some complicated family dynamics, figuring out my living situation, and trying to become more independent. Some days I’m excited about the possibilities, and other days I feel overwhelmed by how much is changing.

For women who went through a major life transition in their 30s, especially a separation, divorce, or career change, what helped you rebuild your confidence and find your direction? Did you ever feel like you were starting over later than everyone else? And looking back, what do you wish you’d known at my age?

Best friend of 25+ years. We are 39 and 40 y.o. Sounds petty but please read.

Best friend is a fairly insecure person and competitive. She has a history of adopting my very strong beliefs & opinions and can be very hypocritical. She copies others but does not like when people copy her. None of this ever really bothered me much because we have always been on different paths & wanted different things.

Here is the issue: She recently has been experiencing a lot of turmoil in her life (the usual but worse- moved to a new state, marriage stress, children stress, work issues, finances, entered significant hormone changes, etc.), and I've noticed that the competitiveness and "copying" have ramped up significantly. I am VERY "harmonious" and I do not like competition at all, so this is really disruptive for me. It has also gotten to the point where honestly, I'd sort of like to preserve a little bit of my identity / personality from being copied.

You are reading negative things, but there is a lot of love in our relationship. But I have decided to keep a tighter lip around her and keep it "surface level" to maintain my sanity. I am maintaining my support for her but not really opening up or sharing (I can give a little here and there to maintain the relationship). I am sad that I foresee this being a permanent change.

Am I wrong for feeling annoyed? Pulling back makes me feel a little guilty and phony. What is your opinion on this?

Examples for those who asked of adopting my beliefs / copying / being hypocritical. These are just a few. There are many more. Keep in mind, I never cared until recently when things ramped up.

• She was shocked and judgey when I decided not to get a masters degree. I have said many times for a solid decade that I believe college is largely a waste of time (not always) and that trades are the way to go. Now that she is in tremendous debt from college, she has recently bragged multiple times that her children will do "trades" instead of college.
• She harshly criticized hormone therapy. I said I wasn't against it etc. but now she is in perimenopause so all of a sudden it's ok. I told her I was surprised she was ok with it given her prior beliefs, and she denied ever being against it.
• After I started a Christmas village (which was very significant to my childhood), she said she wanted one too (I didn't care at all, I helped her with everything), but then posted a photo of hers saying "my childhood dream."
• She was considering blue cabinets after she saw them in my house (can't emphasize enough... I didn't care at all), and I helped her choose white (truly the best option for her house), but then she accused someone else of copying her white cabinets. --> A few people have pointed this out. I didn't care that she wanted blue, it's that she was ok with getting blue after I did, but it wasn't ok for someone else to get white after her. White cabinets and colored cabinets are very trendy right now... literally everyone is getting them- doesn't matter to me.
• She asked me my opinion on waist trainers (this was when they were popular). I sent her a photo of an X ray of a woman from the 1800s who wore corsets and said "this is what happens to your insides" and my argument against them. That night I saw her post the photo online and use the same argument I had given.

My manager is very chaotic and openly shit talks the company at the office in a way that makes it seem like they want to be overheard and fired. We all know they are trying to leave now and this means they’re not really mentoring or supporting anyone. There’s been a lot of chaos at my dysfunctional job with multiple people fired, quitting, or laid off from my team and not much work for my team anymore.

Someone I work with suggested the manager above my boss might be more helpful and seems more empathetic and supportive. They’ve offered me to chat with them anytime and do try to help. We have a friendly casual dynamic.

How do I tactfully ask them if I can find a different team to work on? I don’t feel comfortable going to my boss who just keeps taking my work away because they’ve admitted they feel threatened when other people compliment me and remove anything that starts to get me attention. I need better pay, to learn new skills, and this job is not turning out to be what I expected. I don’t want to blow up the already messy situation with my boss (who gets pissed when I talk to anyone who’s not them). Is it worth it to ask for a life raft on this sinking ship?

How do i get to that mindset and actually achieve those goals? I've always wanted to be a fit person with a good sense of dressing. I'd love to become someone who is graceful with subtle but distinctive style. I have never done make up. No interest in it. But my face and skin these days is making me want to vomit. I hate how awful my feet and hands look. How I'm losing hair by the handful (no medical reason found. Not genetic either).

I want to look and feel good but only for me. That has never been possible in the 45 years I've been alive. Even now, when men are mostly not much on my mind anymore (what a relief!), or so i keep telling myself, my mind goes straight to impressing this guy who'll likely see my pics should i choose to post them ever on the only social media i barely use.

WHY????

More importantly, how do i STOP that? And get into glowing up for me only? I truly TRULY don't want them to be my motivation. Please don't suggest using them as my motivation anyway. I'm REALLY trying to get out of that headspace. I can't tell you how hard it's been for me but I've been taking steps to get out of that kind of thinking and i WON'T go back there. Please! I don't want to. Ever!

This is hard for me to admit but here i am baring my soul to a community that is more positive and helpful than most here on Reddit.

So if you've been where i am.and have successfully gotten where i want to be, please share what worked. Real stuff.

Thank you kindly 😔🙏🏻

How did you all get through the initial 2 week daily application period without estro-creaming all over your mate in the sack?!

Recently divorced, late 40s, horny af, and a little dry sometimes. I talked to my gyno and girlfriends about it and they recommended I try estrogen cream. Cool. But I have a very active sex life with a new partner, a much younger stud, and don’t really want to explain why this cougar has left a white creamy mess on him. 🫠 I saw lots of commenters saying to use the cream right before bed, after sex. But this dude often wants an unexpected round 2, morning sex upon wake-up, afternoon sex-capades…there’s not even a time of the day I can point to where we’d def not be getting down for 2 full weeks.

Hi ladies

I'm hoping to ask for guidance and advice for further studies and career.

Im 33F, and have a background in web development, graphic design and printing, but also started and managed a printing and signage company for 4 years with my ex partner which included everything from bookkeeping, client liaising, systems management and employee management.

After leaving the printing company 2 years ago, I've been faffing with job options and nothing has stuck.

For a while now I've been playing with the idea of psychology and behaviour sciences, and been wondering about pursuing a degree, but uncertain whether a commitment like a degree will pay off or waste my time and money (I have no direct application for a degree, except interest in psychology, and don't want to become a therapist). I'm curious about how the mind works, about teaching, and about how we can have a better more fulfilling life in this day and age.

I'm fine financially for now, but really looking to pursue something fulfilling. I'm hoping to be cognitively challenged, and to connect with new people and really make a difference in their lives.

I was playing with the idea of giving marketing advice for solopreneurs, but I find that it's a bit superficial and I just don't have the experience with which I can confidently give guidance.

Any advice from someone who has gone into academics, or how I could find some clarity going forward? Any welcome

I spent most of my 20s making terrible decisions. No savings, no thinking about my future. I was in a relationship for most of it then broke up due to feeling like we grew apart then spent the next 1.5 years in limbo/situationship with the same guy trying to work it out. In this time I picked up a nasty and expensive addiction, maxed out my CC and got into $30k worth of debt. I got a job out of sheer luck and now after almost 4 years I feel incompetent and don’t see an upward trajectory. I thought I had my parents as my safety net but I just got news they’re broke and can barely keep themselves afloat— my mom who was historically the breadwinner can’t find work and my dad only brings home a couple grand a month. They’re currently scrambling to borrow money from relatives but my relatives only have so much to loan. I’m 29 and also now broke but started to take some action to better my circumstances. I picked up a part time serving job starting at 3 dinner shifts a week at an upscale Vietnamese restaurant, 2 being sat and sun evenings. I cut out all expenses so now I just have my rent, utilities, debt hardship program (5 years), gas, groceries, and laser (I signed up for this when I just got my job and unfortunately can’t cancel). I was especially sad to cancel my classpass as I was really getting into yoga and Spotify but it is what it is.

I’m starting to live below my expenses and trying to put all the money I make serving into savings. I haven’t had my first shift yet so I have no idea how much I’ll be bringing in but at the very least, if I don’t make as much then I’ll have experience to go to another restaurant. This was the only place that’ll train me and it was an automatic hire since I’m viet and speak it so it’s a good way to get my foot through the door. I’m also updating my resume and hoping to pivot but feel like I work in such a niche role (employee benefits analyst) if I were to pivot I’d have to take a paycut or I can move to an adjacent role but again, will fill like I can’t climb bc there are concepts I just can’t seem to grasp.

I made all the wrong choices when it came to finances, relationship, etc. and I’m glad I can start over but my life feels like it’s completely blown up. I don’t mind starting over, I don’t really have a choice so I’m trying to be positive, but it’s a little hard seeing all my friends who are mega privileged with their partners, progressing in life, not a financial worry in the world. I’m not bitter I am truly happy for them but my current circumstances make me feel like I’m never going to get out of poverty. I obviously want to help my parents but I know I need to help myself first and I’m doing what I can instead of spiraling which I am proud of myself for. While I’ve made my peace with entering my grinding era, it’s just tough to think I might be subjected to live a mediocre life bc of a decade of devastating decisions and patterns.

Any advice financial, mental, spiritual advice? Were you in a similar position and improved your circumstances?

My income would’ve been considered good 10 years ago, now it feels like there’s never enough money. The house, the car, the saving for retirement (turning 50 this year), the struggling adult child, the visits out of state to see family, just everything. I feel so trapped.

I’m not married but we own a small modest old house, that still needs updating.

Housing costs, even rent has gone through the roof in the last several years. Splitting up would be financially devastating mostly because of housing.

Buying another house would mean paying twice as much monthly because of interest rates now AND adding 10 years back onto a loan (have 20 years left on this mortgage). I'd have to give him something b/c he's worked on it a ton and paid half the mortgage, although I've paid for materials.

I’m so desperate I’m literally considering building an ADU for him to move into. It would increase property value, secure us both housing for next several years, security for me in case I do have to make a temporary move out of state to help aging parent. It sounds unconventional and not easy, but also logical.

As far as the relationship, I’m just so done with the romantic part. I can forgive him enough to be friends but he’s done too much damage not showing up as a partner. He’s still an old friend and like family. I have no interest in dating and may never again, so I’m not worried about that kind of drama.

Is this crazy?!