Hey, I just wanted to ask, what was the tastiest thing you ate in recovery? For me it was peanut butter at a breakfast :)

Bacon cheeseburger. Amongst my top tier favorite foods. I have uttered the words, (shamelessly) "fuck me up Daddy" directly to a bacon double cheeseburger on a pretzel bun with waffle fries on the side.

Take that, anorexia.

Hello, friends.

Just passing through. I'll probably delete this. It seems crazy the way I feel. I'm thinking I'll throw it into the void of reddit and see if any of you food hooligans can validate my alarm clock thoughts.

6 years since the big house stay. I'm doing alright. The thoughts and compulsions are dramatically reduced. Life is good. Great friends. Great career. The ability to afford mental health services that help keep it that way (blessed up). For the most part, I like the way my body looks. 6 years ago I wouldn't recognize myself as I sit here today, spilling my soul out to you beautiful food goblins.

So why do I miss it. It seems like my brain must be dissolving as I type that but. I do. I do miss it.

The thing that I miss the most. Really, the only thing I truly miss, is the delusion. My mental illness meter is rising with every word I type, but, it is true.

I miss rolling my eyes when people told me I had a problem. I miss telling myself I'll stop after x amount and thinking that it was true. I miss thinking there was nothing wrong with not counting my exercise calories while doing the exercise routine of a Lance Armstrong wanna be.

I miss the ability to trust myself completely. Even though I was dead(ly) wrong. It still felt so much better than questioning myself what seems like all the time.

Am I really not hungry or am I avoiding eating? Do I want to go for a run or am I trying to burn off calories? Am I weighing myself as an compulsion? Am I body checking? Am I slipping?

Every. Day.

I am way healthier and much happier now. Even with all the progress I still don't trust myself. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. It makes me miss when I did trust myself. Even though, at the time, I was the last person I should have trusted.

If you made it this far, thank you for indulging in my mental illness manifesto. I'm on the verge of tears writing this. Hopefully, none of you relate.

God speed my foodie queens.

its been the weirdest thing, i can eat almost anything relatively guilt free, i dont count calories, the scale broke a while back and i haven’t gotten it replaced, i dont measure, if i wasnt worried i might relapse if i did it i‘ve even considered getting rid of my low weight photos

fuck i even eat breakfast, but for some reason no matter how hard i try every time my friends offer me snacks during lunch i cant say yes

even when i want it, even when i know i’ll go home and eat the exact same thing, even when ive prepped myself mentally and said i would today, i can’t eat in front of them either and i dont know why, i have to go sit out in the sun to eat away from them and get all sweaty whenever i do bring in a packed lunch

it’s been bugging me bad, it’s like the only behavior thats not gone away but gotten worse in recovery, its weird because in the throws of my disorder i did eat and drink in front of them?

now it feels like such an impossible anxiety inducing thing and i can’t wrack my brain as to why this is my kind in the sand of all things, they’ve put up with my shit for a long time and i can’t just eat a dumb cookie in front of them to put their concerns to rest, they have no reason to trust that no i really am all better just conveniently only when you arent around

if anyone’s gone through this too and gotten over it please do share cuz im at a loss

I need advice. 4 days into my Holiday, where I was going to finally stop giving a shit, I've not done it. I've done well - solid surplus each day and I've eaten multiple sweet treats a day, , but I'm still opting for plenty of "safer foods" and certain rules about how I eat the more treaty foods. Today on track for alot more though (just not had dinner yet) Also the thoughts about food and tracking is unbearable and almost ruining my Holiday, help!!!.

Just for a tad context I'm 16, a healthy weight but no period yet. Decently recovered from a restrictive ed but definitely not "free with food yet ". I'm trying to get there but who knows lol

I’m trying to apply as I have had my driving licence revoked due to low BMI. I was wondering if anyone else had success in applying?

Are there actually any good units in the UK?!

Hello everyone! I am a doctoral researcher at the University of Oxford, currently recruiting participants for a research study, looking at the nature of social anxiety and camouflaging in Anorexia and/or Autism.

We are looking for women, aged 16+:

• With a diagnosis of anorexia (with or without autism).

OR

• Healthy volunteers with no history of an eating disorder, autism, social anxiety or other serious mental health condition.

We would be so grateful for any participants! Please follow the link to take part. Thank you so much in advance.

https://oxfordxpsy.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3xvKoOH3JuM0Owe

Hello everyone! I am a doctoral researcher at the University of Oxford, currently recruiting participants for a research study, looking at the nature of social anxiety and camouflaging in Anorexia and/or Autism.

We are looking for women, aged 16+:

• With a diagnosis of anorexia (with or without autism).

OR

• Healthy volunteers with no history of an eating disorder, autism, social anxiety or other serious mental health condition.

We would be so grateful for any participants! Please follow the link to take part. Thank you so much in advance.

https://oxfordxpsy.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3xvKoOH3JuM0Owe

Im kinda at the point where I’d rather off myself than recover if that meant gaining weight. My therapist has said that I keep equating recovery with gaining weight and she said that’s not necessarily true (I’m at a healthy BMI too) but I’m struggling with brain fog, dizziness, no libido, low testosterone, cold all the time, yet I still think I’m not sick enough. I don’t know what the answer is. My body dysmorphia keeps telling my I’m so overweight and am f*t. I’m gay and I feel like in the gay community looks are everything, if your not either muscles or slim your an outsider. Just kinda venting.

is there anyone else who is on a cto for their ed. mine is so harsh and i live in fear every single day. i haven’t felt an ounce of peace or happiness for months and i just found out today that they breached me a fortnight ago without even telling me. i can’t keep living like this with the threat of being sent back to the most abusive psych ward in australia for doing absolutely nothing wrong😖
i wish i wasn’t so alone in this. i feel like im being treated as if im just a number, or just a piece of paper. no one cares that this thing is consuming my life and any chance i could have had at gained and peace and being a normal 23 year old. i just can’t take it anymore.
is there anyone else out there going through the same thing…?

Hello!

I started recovery recently (within the past two years), but it has been extremely difficult because I have no appetite (at all) and am allergic to many many foods.

I have hypothyroidism and because of that I have extreme sensitivity to gluten, soy, and dairy, which severely limits my food options. I am also extremely texture averse and picky. I am on a medication that has completely stunted my hunger/appetite, but I cannot go off of this medication.

I have OCD, and am in treatment for that as well. I had a lot of compulsions and obsessive thoughts surrounding food and counting, but since starting recovery and figuring out I have food allergies the thoughts have shifted to fears about getting sick, choking, or having an allergic reaction.

I have tried doing the thing where you set reminders to eat, but when I try to eat it is physically repulsive and feels impossible to get anything down.

It feels so exhausting because I feel like none of my friends or family understand this problem. I am sick of people trying to tell me to just "get over it" and "suffer through," because it just doesn't work like that. The people around me either think I'm lying and relapsing or just being ridiculous. It feels so isolating because I feel like I can't ask anyone for help, and all of my attempts to work with nutritionists and dieticians have completely failed.

Has anyone had a similar experience? What have you done to help navigate this?

Please be gentle when giving advice, I understand some people think I just need the "cold hard truth" but that will not help in this situation. I just really need to know that I'm not completely alone in this.

Hellooo,
I guess I’m not really looking for advice, I’m just looking for some support from people who might understand what I’m going through.

I’m currently at a point where I’m desperately trying to get help for my ED, but I feel like I keep hitting dead ends. I live in a country where public healthcare has very limited resources for eating disorders (there’s only 1 specialized clinic, but it only has around 20 beds, and the waiting list is 5–7 months long). I’ve also been to the ER, where they treated the immediate physical issues and just told me to find psychological help on my own. And honestly, I’m exhausted. It feels so unfair that you have to fight so hard to access treatment for an illness that literally makes it incredibly difficult to ask for help in the first place. What I wish I had right now is someone to hold my hand through this. Someone to help me eat when I can’t do it on my own, to sit with me through meals, to encourage me and keep me accountable when everything in my head is telling me not to eat. I feel like I need someone to practically spoon-feed me back to health. But since that kind of support isn’t available to me right now, I’m probably going to have to figure out how to do this at home, mostly ON MY OWN, AT HOME.

And that honestly scares me.

Just because of this, I struggle with this feeling that since I’ve never been hospitalized for my ED, I somehow haven’t earned the right to proper treatment. So when I’m trying to recover at home, I start questioning whether I even have a real problem or whether I’m somehow making it all up. Especially following other recovery stories (who are mainly from UK), where most have had inpatient treatment or hospitalization before continuing on their own. It weirdly gives me FOMO. Like I haven't really experienced the real ED journey. I rarely see people talking about what it’s like to recover at home because inpatient treatment simply isn’t accessible to them, or about how lonely and difficult that experience can be. I constantly feel like I have to prove my illness to my friends, to other people, and sometimes even to myself.

I don’t really know what I’m hoping to get out of posting this. Maybe just to hear from people who have been in a similar situation. People who have struggled to access treatment, who have recovered or are trying to recover at home?

If anyone is reading this, thank you ❤️

If part of recovery involves rest to correct the energy deficit, how do athletes recovery? Do they need to stop their sport completely? And if so, when is it generally safe to get back to their sport.

I’m asking with the assumption that the person isn’t doing it as a compensatory behavior, but purely as a way to enjoy the sport…

I’m starting my recovery journey and feel very lucky to have an amazing mom and understanding friends. ❤️ I’d like to talk to my friends and family about how they can support me in a way that’s actually helpful, including setting boundaries and avoiding triggering comments.

For those of you who’ve been through recovery, what kind of support from loved ones helped you the most? How did you communicate your needs and boundaries? Any tips would be greatly appreciated!

Hallo zusammen,

Ich weiß es gibt bereits viele Beiträge über extremen Hunger und Beispielen aber da es hier vermehrt Thematisiert wird und es einem manchmal besser fühlen lässt, lassen wir uns doch mal gemeinsam „normal“ fühlen.
Ich fang an von meiner gestrigen EH Episode zu erzählen:

Porridge mit Obst
Banane
Mc Donald’s Menü
Mc Donald’s Eis mit Schokosoße
Müsliriegel
2 Tassen Milch
2 Brötchen mit Eiersalat, Käse, Gemüse
Erdnussporridge
Griechischischer Joghurt
Protein Pudding
Fruchtjoghurt
Schüssel Cornflake’s mit Milch
Twix
KitKat
Eine komplette Tüte saure Gummibärchen (ich mag eigentlich keine Gummibärchen!)
Eine komplette Packung Waffelröllchenkekse

Danach bin ich endlich erschöpft eingeschlafen.

Wie sieht’s bei Euch so aus?

I’m struggling to choose between two mental health professionals (therapist and psychiatrist) and would love some advice!

The first is a psychotherapist who has personal experience with anorexia and says she understands how my mind works. She uses EMDR and different exercises, is more affordable, and has already given me some clear guidelines, like avoiding exercise and triggers.

The second is a psychiatrist who can also prescribe medication and works with a gynecologist to help regulate my hormones. She has clinical experience with many patients and raised questions during our first appointment that opened up perspectives I’d never considered. She’s also more expensive.

I know I need to choose one person and stick with them so we can build a relationship. I also feel bad about choosing one over the other because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I need to make a choice quick, otherwise I’m stuck alone. 😅

I dunno where to put this. I know why it happens and I'm honoring it. I'm just annoyed. Every night, right before bed, I get body slammed with Hungry Again. Since u started recovery, I'm pretty much eating hobbit style to keep up with a physical job, (breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, supper... no elevenses tho.)

It would be nice to not have the EH fairy visit as I'm attempting to fall asleep, because as soon as the hunger kicks in, I can't sleep till i eat enough.

It's literally annoying.

But persist with recovery I shall. In jammies. Even if I have to brush my teeth three times.

A few weeks into this process and tough is an understatement. The main emotion I feel which I feel nobody speaks about however is regret. Regret that I ever drove myself this deep in. Regret that I let myself reach this deep dark hole and now I have to take the responsibility to dig myself out. If I never let myself be this ‘disordered‘, would life be this exhausing? Would I have the constant food noise? Lastly would I ever be this scared of gaining weight if I had never let myself starve to get this small?

I know it’s crazy but I find it hard to believe I ever thought of food firstly as comforting rather than something to antagonise. It’s frustrating and I want to revert back to the old me. The one who did enjoy eating and didn’t feel the need to look in the mirror after every meal.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I hate that I ever let myself get THIS bad. Why didn’t I ever try to battle my illogical thoughts earlier???

When I walk or stand, my legs feel heavy and that the blood is rushing to the lower limbs. If I stand / walk for more than a few mins I do also get a reddish/ purple tinge in them. Has anyone else experienced this?

I’m starting PHP again knowing this time is the last time with my ed

I was crying before and thanked it bc ik it’s over

I just this is it it needs to be and I’m scared

Idk anyone else go through this in recovery?

What helped you?

Mostly a vent//

I have a history of anorexia, so that's the context for her concern. Which is fair enough, it was bad, but the therapy is not for ED stuff

I accidentally said something in our second session that implied I'd been restricting to one meal a day. I don't even remember what I said, but my therapist remembered and called me out on it in the next session. Which was our third one.

She said she was concerned and pressed me to tell her what I typically eat, and said that if she gets more concerned, she will contact my GP for a health check.

I was honest about what I eat (ie I usually eat twice a day now because I've tried hard to stop the one meal a day thing), but I feel like I have to be very careful now.

I've been having some physical symptoms in particular, specifically my vision pulses black when I stand up apart from like a 1 inch circle directly where I'm looking, so I can still see! But that started when I was eating less, and it's not great, I know, and comes along with a racing heart and pounding head until it all stops. So not the most reassuring that "everything's fine" maybe... (fwiw I'm a healthy weight though)

I tend to say things I didn't mean to say sometimes, especially if I'm making a joke. And in therapy I try not to monitor or filter that. But now im scared that if I say something about physical symptoms or anything else about that, she's going to escalate this.

I know it doesn't sound like much, but I'm very scared of engaging with services around anything at all that's ED related. It took me 3 years to get out of the system last time, and it was so so damaging.

A big part of the therapy now is trying to address the trauma I got from my last ED treatment, so I have 0 intention of ever going anywhere near anything related to anorexia treatment/monitoring/related health checks etc.

She said right at the end that she was less concerned at the moment (I tried my best to reassure... I think it worked?), but if things got worse, that's what she would do. And I'm worried the physical symptoms stuff would meet that, and that now I have to filter and be careful what I say

I also completely think that I'm fine and she's overreacting/way more concerned than she needs to be. But also know that my brain has done that before and I didn't have a good judgement of what's actually concerning vs not and if I'm actually fine. So who knows :(

Just urgh. Session 3. We don't know each other well enough for this kind of thing to be comfortable so early on :/ I'm so tired and stressed out