r/AmItheAsshole • u/momshire • Jan 08 '26
Asshole AITA for pushing for my daughter's admission into grammar school
Hi, I wanted to get some perspective here. We live in the UK, and my husband and I have two kids. My daughter is 10, and very driven, very intelligent, gets raving feedback from her teachers. She tells me she gets done with her work 15 miniutes into the class.
I'm having her sit for 11+ admissions this year for grammar schools. I've been prepping her, she's doing well. These exams are super competitive especially for the best grammar schools, and we are out of catchment for some of them so that makes it even more competitive for us. So naturally I've set up a fairly strict regimen for her, and am pushing her.
My husband thinks I'm not letting her be a child, and will sometimes try to swoop in and tell her its ok just relax. That makes me so angry like I know its ok, she knows its ok, we're just trying our best. She's so talented, and some of these schools are considered a pipeline to Oxbridge. It makes it seem like I'm an evil mother, and I've told him about this in private, and he says I care more about this than she does. But I care about it because I care about her, she's my daughter, I want the best for her. His sister's daughter also goes to my daughter's current school, and she's also been lamenting that her daughter will lose out on her cousin. First, my daughter and her cousin are not bffs, and also why is this supposed to be a factor. But my husband brings this point up in our arguments as well. I feel like I'm being criticized for wanting the best for my girl. AITA?
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u/Swimming_Possible_68 Partassipant [1] Jan 08 '26
To be honest, the way you have written this you do come across as overbearing.
Of course it would be great for you daughter to get into a grammar school, but kids do also need time to be kids.
Childhood is not just about educational achievement, but learning to be an all round human being.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't encourage your child. But please br careful. If you push a child too hard they may break.
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Jan 08 '26
I'm a secondary school teacher and have taught a lot of bright kids who could do wonders. The ones with tiger mothers and pushy parents tend to burn out faster. The drive is external, fear of letting their parents down rather than intrinsic. This is a schedule YOU have developed for her, that will take her away from her friends and peer group. What does she want? And when do you plan to step back and let her find her own drive? A Levels? University? If she's as driven and bright as you say, she probably doesn't need you making a study schedule for her. She needs quality time with her family showing her that there's more to life than academics and Oxbridge.
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u/Hot-Delay194 Partassipant [1] Jan 08 '26
Hey former "gifted kid" here, what you're doing is pushing her into an early burnout and a need for therapy because of her perfectionism and people pleasing. It's one thing to encourage her but your husband is right, she also needs to just be a kid. You need to let her know it's ok if it doesn't happen the way you're planning. It also sounds like you perhaps don't know your daughter as well as you think. It sounds like she's likely said things to her dad, cousin, or aunt that's causing this push back against your over zealousness. Maybe not but they're not wrong to pump your brakes. I had a mom just like you, and well she's been dead for 15 years now and I haven't missed her for one second in all those years. Something to think about there. Soft YTA because you have time to fix this.
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u/crocodilezebramilk Professor Emeritass [78] Jan 08 '26
Another thing - her social life may take a nosedive from all the pressure and lack of time to socialize. Kids need to be with their peers.
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u/theagonyaunt Partassipant [2] Jan 09 '26
There's also the fact that one day most gifted kids will end up in a situation where they're no longer the smartest person in the room and if their whole identity is tied to being 'the smart one' it can be rough to deal with. I had to unpack in therapy why at work (as in adult, full time job) I had a hard time saying things like "I'm not sure about that, can I get back to you?" because the idea of not having the answer right away was genuinely stressful to me.
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u/EleanorSeesThings Jan 09 '26
Former gifted child here, too! Turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD and autism and burnout hit me HARD in high school. With the way OP discusses this, I think her daughter is headed to burnout, too. I encourage parents of gifted daughters particularly to consider seeking an evaluation for ADHD/autism, as it presents differently in us than in boys and we need more/different support than we generally receive.
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u/confused--parent Jan 09 '26
My parents forced me to take the advanced STEM classes in high school. I burned out so quickly that I almost didn't want to go to college, and I didn't go for the fancy moneymaking engineering major they wanted me to because just the thought of it made me miserable
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u/lioness99a Jan 09 '26
I was a gifted kid and my parents philosophy was that they would give me time and help practicing for the 11+ exam (like running through questions I didn’t understand and making sure my sister stayed away while I did timed practice papers) but ultimately I would either get into the grammar school or I wouldn’t and both would be OK.
As it was, I did get in, and one of the first things I said about the other kids (at home, not to their face!) was “I thought they were meant to be smart”. It was really obvious who had been tutored on how to pass the exam and who had natural talent, and the less gifted kids really struggled in some of the classes
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u/neonam11 Jan 09 '26
It’s a fair balance. She should learn to be driven and work hard, but also to let loose and have fun. You being defensive when your husband advises your daughter to be a kid hints that you are pushing her. Academic prowess is just one factor that may lead to a successful life. But please consider other important factors like self esteem, social skills, communication skills that she may develops when she socializes with others and just be a kid. One of the smartest students in my professional program had no social or communication skills. He always thought he was smarter than the other students and the professors! I don’t think her ever got licensed in our state!
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
you're projecting your ecperience on her. As a gifted student, the most fun I had was being challenged and making friends who didn't make fun of me being smart. Ultimately OP needs to speak with her child to understand what they want NTA
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u/Hot-Delay194 Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26
You don't understand the definition of projecting. Because I'm not doing that at all here. What I did was use the context of her post to offer an opinion based and then offered anecdotal experience to further back my opinion. You know just like you did, but based on your take you're also projecting. Too bad that's not what projecting means. I suggest you look it up.
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
I'm not projecting because I'm not claiming that this is what OP is doing. Based on a short post, you've decided that OP is pushing her daughter into an early burnout. To counter that, I shared my perspective which was the complete opposite. I'm not projecting a future for OP based on my experiences.
I remained gifted well into university and in my career. Were I not put into the top programs at every point, I would have remained bored in school, feeling listless and unable to grasp the point of each day. Fortunately my parents realized this and sought ways to challenge me.
People reach their limits at different points. Some top students get to uni and realize that they're average. But it's more worth it to me to challenge myself until I get there. You're suggesting OP hold her child back. That's the cruelest thing to do a bright mind.
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u/Hot-Delay194 Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26
Your lack of being able to read her replies to other comments still doesn't make what you said about me true. I most certainly didn't suggest she hold her child back. You lack reading comprehension. Since you picked a battle you're not equipped to fight we're done here.
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u/Lunar-Eclipse0204 Commander in Cheeks [200] Jan 08 '26
YTA - mainly for your attitude... Your husband is right, you are too focused on her school to let her think about anything outside of it. Also your daughter is also his daughter - he wants what is best for her as well.
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u/JerryVand Jan 08 '26
Has your daughter expressed interest in a more intense school setting? Is she excited at the possibility of being challenged academically?
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u/glib_result Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jan 08 '26
2 1/2 hours EVERY WEEKDAY and 3 hours a day on weekends is too much.
A. if that’s what it takes to get into this school, odds are good that it’s going to take similar work to keep up. This is not a sustainable schedule.
B. unstructured time for kids & teens is an important part of development. It promotes creativity, motivation, and emotional regulation.
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u/HaitchanM Jan 09 '26
It isn’t what’s needed to keep up, because it’s excessive. Kid could do fine with less but they’ll never know. They could miss out even after exams are passed because it’s based on more than the exam.
My friends kid just got in to a grammar but turned it down in favour of a private school. The level of study was similar to this along with special tutoring. The problem is because he passed, she thinks its the right method. The kid seemed to be on the verge of a breakdown before the exams. He had a conversation with her that broke my heart. He’s 11.
He asked ‘when will I be done? I have these exams, then what?”
She said SATs.
Then what?
GCSE’s.
Then?
A-Levels and University.
How long is that?
Aged 21 if you do a standard course.
He said so just 10yrs and then I can finish studying and revising?
Bro was wishing his whole childhood away.
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u/EleanorSeesThings Jan 09 '26
That is so heartbreaking 💔 I hope she wakes up and he can just enjoy being a kid
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u/givemeallyourbooks Jan 08 '26
I went to a grammar school and I think you’re grossly overestimating how much it matters. Yes, I did have tutoring for the entrance exams but it was an hour a week for around 3 months. Honestly, I don’t even think that was necessary.
What matters most in academia is your curiosity and interest. It sounds like you’re currently making all the things fun about learning into chores, which won’t help.
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u/Adventurous_Deal2788 Jan 09 '26
If the comprehensive schools are anything like the ones where I'm from it's definitely two tier schooling. The grammars getting the best. Also most of the single sex schools are gammars theres one girls comprehensive which is rough as hell and no boys comprehensive all the grammars are single sex schools
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u/not_rebecca Jan 08 '26
INFO what does your daughter want? she is old enough to have some say in her own destiny. I was very driven as a kid but also wasn't pushed a ton by my parents -- I pushed myself mostly but had help getting started some of the time. Does your daughter want you to push her? What is really behind your husband's objections -- is it sexism that girls can't be driven and high achieving OR is he right in that your daughter doesn't want to be that competitive?
You "wanting the best" isn't really relevant. That's a feeling but shouldn't dictate anyone's life. If your daughter wants the best, by all means, continue. If she doesn't, ease up some -- she will find her own path in life and is way less likely to burn out if its her own choice even if its not "the best".
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u/momshire Jan 08 '26
My daughter understands that these schools are competitive, they standard of education is higher, and will be more suited to her. She does want to do well, she wants this too.
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u/Carysta13 Jan 09 '26
Your daughter wants to please you. Your husband is right, you are putting too much pressure on your child.
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u/Mobile-Cricket-2427 Jan 08 '26
Your answer really should have led with "she wants it". But the way you worded it tells me that perhaps she doesnt want it as much as you do. And that will definitely be a problem in the future.
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u/_butterpillar Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
It’s difficult as a parent to know how she, as a ten-eleven year old, is internalising all this. When I tell you grammar schools are competitive, they ARE competitive—these kids have been tutored by professionals for a good three or four years. But she’s not.
Your confidence is making me a little anxious; how will your daughter take it if she doesn’t get in? Will she feel like a disappointment? Untalented? A failure?
Grammar schools aren’t actually all that. But if SHE wants academic competition, complete focus and pressure, go for it. It’ll make or break her. Except, maybe get a tutor… And please, check in on her and remind her that even if she doesn’t get in, it doesn’t matter—she’s not a failure or disappointment. Because nobody gives two flying shits on whether or not you went to a grammar school.
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u/Fioreborn Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 09 '26
So she wants it because you want it and she's afraid of disappointing you
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u/knotatwist Asshole Aficionado [14] Jan 09 '26
You say your daughter is bright and would do well in a grammar school but your actions suggest otherwise.
If she's bright enough to perform once she gets in then she doesn't need 10+ hours of extra studying and tutoring per week and you are pushing too hard.
If she NEEDS this much extra time studying then she's going to need a lot of extra time if/when she gets in as well, because she's not actually up to the standard required for grammar school.
Which is it? She's smart enough for grammar school or not?
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u/EleanorSeesThings Jan 09 '26
Your daughter is a whole person. If you're the one taking the lead here, you're doing this wrong.
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u/reservedandbooked Partassipant [3] Jan 09 '26
If your daughter wants this as much as you’re claiming then she doesn’t need you to push her. Try stepping back for a bit and see what happens. She can still study hard and have friends and hobbies.
Btw if you want her to get into Oxbridge she’s going to need to pass interviews to do that, and be confident in her answers when there. You won’t be able to help her. If all her drive comes from you she will fail in that room. Oxbridge are fully aware of mothers like you and how so many kids falter when at university. They don’t want that to happen, so they weed them out in the interview process. If she’s going to get in then she needs to be doing this by herself.
Look, you clearly care about your daughter and want her to succeed. The thing is that what you’re doing is not going to achieve that. I know it’s difficult to loosen the reins but if she’s going to actually do this then you cannot hold her hand. Even if she makes mistakes or falters you need to let her, because that’s how she builds resilience. That’s your job as her mother.
You don’t need to abandon her. You can work with her to create a schedule, you can tutor her or hire one, you can be there when she approaches you. But she needs to take the lead on this because the top down approach will mean by the time those Oxbridge interviews happen she will not have any ability or drive of her own.
Plus hobbies and extracurriculars look great on a personal statement. Let her have fun with friends.
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u/cookiesdragon Jan 10 '26
Are you even hearing yourself? Six hours on the weekends, over two hours each day after school. That's sixteen hours, eighteen and a half if its two and a half hour each weekday. That's nearly considered a part time job. You are overworking this kid and she is going to burn out at this rate.
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u/Flat-Replacement4828 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] Jan 08 '26
Info: what does your daughter actually think about all this?
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u/WetDogDeodourant Partassipant [3] Jan 08 '26
Great question; especially as work isn’t issued out at the start of class like it’s a ticket sheet, what does she mean she’s done in 15 mins every class, that’s not how lessons work.
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u/SinglePermission9373 Jan 09 '26
Her daughter thinks whatever her mom wants her to think.
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
or her daughter wants to be challenged as I wanted to be challenged. The worst you can do to a child is put them in a stifling environment bored out of their mind
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u/Fioreborn Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 09 '26
OP said "she wants it" but the rest of the comment read like the daughter is only going along because she's afraid of disappointing OP.
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u/mb21212 Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
INFO: “So naturally I've set up a fairly strict regimen for her, and am pushing her.” Outside of UK here: What do you mean by a strict regimen? Like a daily schedule for the homework and other hobbies or is it some kind of study schedule for admission/entrance exams for the grammar school?
Outside of the information needed, I personally would not consider the cousin a factor if they are not close and your daughter is sitting in each class bored after finishing the work in 15 minutes. She needs an environment that challenges her. The regimen part is where my hang up would be.
Edit: Based on the study regimen, soft YTA. I could see the weekends being 3 hours if the load of everything else is light but the weekdays are definitely too heavy. It’s going to lead to burnout despite the best intentions. She needs some downtime and playtime still at 10.
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u/katbelleinthedark Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 09 '26
In a comment OP says that they have a study schedule for the test, 2hrs on weekdays and 3hrs on weekends.
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u/mb21212 Jan 09 '26
Oh. That’s going to lead early burn out depending on the homework, chores, extracurriculars and etc load during the week with little to no downtime.
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
No it's not. As a curious child, she is most likely learning in her free time. This is a way for OP to structure that learning and create boundaries around learning versus fun time. On the other hand, I spent most of my time at the library learning random topics. I spent less time playing because learning was playing NTA
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u/mb21212 Jan 09 '26
Maybe I was too parentified but I am speaking from my experience. Learning may have been playing for me too but there’s a limit including if the parent has performance expectations during that study time.
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
I can understand that. My experience was the opposite. I wanted to learn everything. I wish my parents put me in more challenging environments where I could be the average student
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u/mb21212 Jan 09 '26
All AP/college level classes where I was “on the Principal’s list” (aka school appropriated funds we’re paying for my class payment and the final test for the college credit). It was nice to not have the “peaked in high school” folks in my main classes but I had so many responsibilities. I was in band/marching band, worked my own volunteer tutoring program, had to pay half of anything I made for rent starting at 14, I had to make sure mine and my brother’s chores were done, some nights it was my turn to make dinner but not from the groceries purchased unless I paid some unknown amount, and studying for my own tests along with the back and forth arguing that I was always in my room and not having family time (watching reality tv). I would go to sleep around 2 AM and wake up at 5 AM to repeat it all with maybe no food until we qualified for free and reduced lunch. Despite bullying in school and online, I would not trade my class experience for anything but my outside of school life really burnt me out and I hit a wall my junior year of university.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I still love learning everything and the most random facts stick. However, for example, when you are pushing yourself so much, hoping to one day earn love and it never being enough, and getting a 95/100 gets you a punishment because you “could have done better if you tried harder”… That’s what I believe the majority of this comment section is trying to have OP avoid. If her daughter wants to study, let her study at her own pace and let her kick a ball around and still play/talk with friends if she wants to, but please avoid the outside of school experience that is like mine.
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u/First-Strawberry-398 Jan 08 '26
Soft and unintentional YTA, from a grammar school girlie!!
I went to a grammar. It’s not a pipeline to Oxford lol. It’s a great school and helps you do well (I’m applying for PhD funding rn!) but it’s not an Oxford pipeline.
Grammars are not the same as I went like 15 years ago. You do need to be tutored to get in because EVERYONE is now (I got top 20 score in my year group of thousands, not tutors just did a few practice tests right before LOLZ) , however if your child can’t get in on tutoring a few times a week and maybe a bit of extra work daily on their weak points if you really want to closer to the time, they aren’t smart enough to go and they WILL struggle when they’re there because they’re highly competitive and pushy environments with a lot of straight A* without revision kids and a lot of 3hr a day studying kids.
Let your kid have a childhood. Yes she should study. But don’t tutor her for a school she wouldn’t get into, that’s not the point. Tutor her to support her w the test but comprehensives are great options for hard working students. I love grammars, I loved my school and it set me up so well, but putting your child through a crazy regimen is not good for them❤️
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u/momshire Jan 08 '26
Thank you so much for your comment. It's not even that I have the mindset of getting into grammar school is the end-all be-all. It's just as her mother I can't not have tried to do something for her that would open doors for her later. I just want to make sure I'm giving her the opportunities she deserves by giving this our best shot. The results will happen as they happen, I'm confident she'll do well no matter what.
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u/tieflingteeth Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26
Oxbridge undergrad is not the only or even the best way to 'open doors'. See my other comment on your post, often much more can be gained by doing studies at a normal pace which leaves more spare time for networking
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u/spacestonkz Partassipant [2] Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
I'm a professor at an elite private school in the US.
Stop with the Oxbridge shit. Now.
Get her into grammar school, that's fine. I have so many kids coming to my school beating themselves up that they're not at Harvard. Again, already at a top private university, just not ivy league.
You're ensuring she puts her self worth on Oxbridge level schools. There's nothing wrong or disadvantaged about universities of lecister, Manchester, or Cardiff. But she's going to feel like a failure if those are her only options if you don't knock it off with prestige.
The miserable students burn out. They spiral. They're isolated. Their grades tank.
Get her into the school, then leave her alone about all of her potential and opportunities. Guide her. Don't push her.
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u/Exciting-Froyo3825 Partassipant [4] Jan 09 '26
Hear hear! I work admin in an ivy adjacent top 10 private medical school. I see undergrads who come into our labs stressing about getting into Harvard Med School and “ditching this place for something better”. Seriously? Our SOM graduates hold prestigious positions at Mass General teaching their HMS students. 🙄 but sure, stress yourself out even more /s
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
this is the most balanced take I've read. The other commenters are projecting their bad experiences onto OP or insulting her for wanting to support her child. As a child who joined rigorous programs, I thrived in the competitive environment. The best OP can do is allow her to live out her potential
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u/spacestonkz Partassipant [2] Jan 09 '26
Yeah, I was certainly a little nerd that wanted a better school but couldn't get one. I would have worked my butt off for entrance exams.
But I also did value my social time. It's ok if she gets Bs in grammar school so she has time to be a kid. Let her decide how much she wants to push if shes doing well, even if she's not perfect straight As. Some Bs doesn't require immediate tutoring.
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u/eekspiders Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
An undergrad isn't her only chance at it either. I went to (and almost failed out of) a state school in America but now study at an Oxbridge-level school for my postgraduate. This is, of course, after I spent years in therapy for the exact thing you're doing to your daughter
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u/First-Strawberry-398 Jan 09 '26
You can open door for her without pushing her too hard. I’m not saying don’t make her study / not be tutored at all, I’m saying a crazy schedule isn’t good for a kid and basically if she needs a crazy schedule to get in it’s not the right place for her! If that helps at all xx
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u/tieflingteeth Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
I'm an Oxford PhD student and I promise you, your child should not go to oxbridge for undergrad. Most people I know who did undergrad at these overly demanding universities are burnt out, unable to engage with their studies after bachelors level, and many can't even read for pleasure anymore. It's very sad. People get suicidal often and their health can be undermined for life by stress related illnesses that started at undergrad or earlier.
I actually have a lifelong autoimmune disease which began from excessive pressure as a school student, which has blocked me from many good careers. In the end I did my undergrad at UCL and it was perfect, a good mix of academia and spare time to volunteer in labs and learn life skills in student societies. Don't set your kid up for the kind of life I described above. YTA
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u/LongjumpingLab3092 Jan 09 '26
Omg "unable to engage with studies after bachelors level and can't read for pleasure" hit home a bit... I went to Oxford for undergrad haha
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u/needforcheeses Jan 08 '26
Gentle YTA. You have no idea what your 10 year old daughter is internalising during all of this change and development. Much of this development is probably wonderful and positive, and she may have a fantastic time learning new things and meeting new people at the school if she gets in. But she really needs to have safety in her home, emotionally. Speaking as an adult who had a wonderful mum who encouraged me academically, and was less directive than it sounds like you may be… I felt a good few points of pressure to achieve over the years, without her even verbally saying I should be doing more/ achieving better grades etc (I’m not accusing you of doing this btw, just examples). I internalised the message that I was worthwhile if I was ‘the smart one’ at school and when adhd symptoms started showing at uni quite drastically I felt completely worthless. A young child heading toward pre-teen status needs the emotional safety of feeling able to tell you something they fear that you won’t want to hear/ will be upset by. I.e. that they need a break, are anxious about a friendship, or that they really cannot stand doing those extra music lessons anymore. I think you & your partner need to have time to properly communicate what you both want to do for your daughter. Currently it sounds like she’s in the middle being fought over, in terms of your approaches and pressures you’re separately putting on her. There is, within reason, an important role for both of your preferred approaches, and making them coexist may feel hard but it will be worthwhile. She’ll grow up with the ability to take care of herself and be happy if you let her learn how.
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u/obtusewisdom Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 09 '26
If you need to prep her this hard at age 10 to get in, she shouldn’t get in. If she’s as bright as you say, she’ll get in without the pressure. A 10 year old can only have negative effects from this kind of pushing.
A reminder also that lots of talented students get into top schools including Oxford without being in the pressure cooker grammar schools.
YTA
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u/nemaline Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 08 '26
INFO: how strict is the regimen and how much are you pushing her? How much time does she have left for relaxation and fun?
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u/momshire Jan 08 '26
We do two hours of practice on weekdays, and 3 hours on weekends. We do practice tests, identify which areas she didn't score as high in, and practice on those topics in particular on the weekend. She goes to her friend's house, I definitely do not want her social life to be affected I know how important that is.
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u/Objective_Twist_5739 Jan 08 '26
INFO:
What does 'pushing her' look like? Is she reading a chapter of a preparation book each week? Is she doing hours of practice exams a day? Can she go and see friends or to clubs at any point in the week? Does she have free time daily and if so, how much?
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u/needforcheeses Jan 08 '26
Time to daydream, read recreationally, be bored- IMO if kids don’t get much of this, they don’t have much capacity for creativity and facing unusual challenges in the future
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
A gifted child needs stimulus. I was bored out of mind until I was accepted into a top school. Children should be challenged when their brains are most flexible
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u/momshire Jan 08 '26
We're doing 2 - 2.5 hours of practice tests. And yes, she can and does. If she has a birthday party to attend I take her there, I know that's important too. I'm not a drill sergeant about it, I'm just trying for us to have structure.
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u/ravendusk Partassipant [2] Jan 08 '26
Per day? Because alongside other homework and stuff I don't see how you would find any free time
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u/katamino Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 08 '26
Did you plan this workload and schedule out with her where she had significant input and ownership of this plan? If you just impose this on her you will be doing a few very negative things that will not turn out well:
You risk destroying her love of learning and that's the end of any hopes you have, because she will no longer be self-motivated in school. You may even cause her to decide she doesn't want to go to a school that causes this much pressure on her and deliberately fail the tests.
She will resent you and you will end up with a resentful, rebellious teen in 2 years who will make your life hell.
Or you will end up with an anxious teen which is even harder to handle than a rebellious one, and just as bad for her future.
There is a middle ground here between letting her be a child and this rigorous plan of yours. Find it with her and your husbamds input. Kids need free unstructured time, not just fun time at planned, designated get togethers like birthday parties.
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u/Cloverose2 Partassipant [4] Jan 09 '26
That's way, way too much - and on top of her regular schoolwork? Way too much. She's going to burn out before she gets into school.
It shouldn't be an occasional birthday party. She should have multiple hours of down time every day. That's important for her development. She should be spending time with her friends, going out, riding her bike, playing stupid games, reading for fun and occasionally being bored.
I'm a college professor. I regularly run into students who were pushed that way - many of them are excellent students, but immature socially as far as their peers go, with very few life skills, interests that aren't academics, or self-management and coping skills. They are not well-rounded human beings, because they were not given time and space to grow as people when they were children.
She may get into a great school, but if she's studying that much every day on top of her school work, I can almost guarantee she's missing out on very important tasks as she grows up. You're not helping her. Give her space. That's a big part of being a well-balanced adult as well.
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u/fayegopop Jan 08 '26
2-2.5 hours a day of practice isn’t even effective for learning! that is just information overload- there is a line between supportive learning and practice, versus giving so much work the child is merely working through the motions and no longer actively learning! it’s so great to hear you take her out for birthday parties, but that’s not an everyday thing. kids are creative and they need time to put that bright energy out into the world! she is still her own person regardless of how much parental support she needs, let her be that! you use words like “we” and “our”, maybe you need to look deeper and see if it’s a goal you both have or if it’s a goal you have for her! she can still be the brightest girl in the world without going to such schools. a lot of people in your life are bringing up different viewpoints on her friendships, as well as what she wants for school. it’s worth giving thought to them.
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
yuo know it's not because schools are hardly challenging. Finishing your work in 15min means that the child is bored out of her mind for most of the schoolday
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u/fayegopop Jan 10 '26
oh for sure! i agree- but there is still a fine line between overworking a child and stimulating them more. extra lessons and home projects could go along way for that instead of prepping for multiple schools and exams. you can have stimulating sessions for learning without the stress
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 10 '26
based on OP's coments she's hardly overworking her daughter. When I was younger my mom had "home school" every day after school. I looked forward to the tutoring sessions. As I became more advanced she outsourced to tutors. School was stressful because I was so bored. Students hated me, teachers resented me because I was obviously not paying attention. But the tutoring sessions made up for it. Yes it could be challenging at times, but that's the point. Children should be learning. If my parents didn't put me in programs after school, during weekends, and over vacation breaks I would have suffered
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u/fayegopop Jan 10 '26
her daughter does practice tests for 2 hours every day, and for 3 hours on the weekend!! there is no balance to this. i hear what your saying completely and genuinely do agree- but OP is putting too much stress on their daughter. she studies for hours everyday and the most fun she gets to do is a random birthday party it sounds like
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 10 '26
And? I did much more than that after school and enjoyed every minute. As long as the daughter enjoys it, there's no issue. Children should be challenged. I'm more concerned by her finishing coursework in 15 minutes. Imagine how bored she must be every day. I went through that and it was torture! Would you rather your child be bored or challenged?
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u/fayegopop Jan 10 '26
again, i agree!! children need to be challenged. i faced issues myself with lacking stimulation, but again there is a fine line. it’s great that it helped you through life and really encouraged more learning but it’s not like that for everybody. the father and other people close to the daughter see that she’s being overworked and that does have merit.
there is a difference between trying to get your daughter into a school that will stimulate her, and telling your daughter “this is what will get you into oxbridge. this is your future.” what happens if her kid doesn’t make it? what happens if her kid has different interests? i would want my kid to be challenged- but i wouldn’t do that at the cost of them potentially developing anxiety and other negative behaviors!
there are ways to challenge kids without putting the burden of their entire educational future on them at 10 years old. you can do science experiments, work through math problems in new ways, write essays about things the kid enjoys! you can learn through fun activities too, like going to the museum or to a park and keeping track of new things that could be learned about. it’s actually wonderful to sit down and practice new things with your kid everyday- my point is the level of emotional burden behind it. there is a difference between doing it because you’re lacking stimulation vs being a ten year old and having your entire educational future be laid out without much choice.
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u/ConflictGullible392 Supreme Court Just-ass [113] Jan 09 '26
Per day? In addition to her regular school and homework? That’s nuts. Pushes me over to YTA.
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u/SinglePermission9373 Jan 09 '26
You are making a colossal mistake here. That is an absurd amount of time to be pushing a child academically. Bordering on abusive and absolutely is going to lead to anxiety and therapy
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u/Lows-andHighs Partassipant [4] Jan 09 '26
Lmfao wow, so big of you to allow her time off to go to a friggin birthday party. Stop pressuring the absolute fuck out of your child. You can want the best for them without making them bleeping miserable. Just because this is the path you wanted and didn't get, doesn't mean you need to bully your child into it and take away their childhood. Oh, but she doesn't complain?! Obviously! She's ten! You've conditioned her that if she isn't striving for your standards she's failing. But you've failed, you've failed your daughter.
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u/vortex_time Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 09 '26
I was a gifted student. I have a PhD. I taught at the university level for 12 years. This is too much. She needs days off, and she needs her primary learning experiences not to be tests.
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u/upperdecker32 Jan 08 '26
You get to be a child for about 15 years. Really, thats all. On the other hand, you need to support your child in the best way possible.
Why not dial it back to what they want, but still keeping them challenged... also worth figuring out if ur child is telling you exactly how they feel or just trying to keep u happy... because thats a red flag for the child holding this over you in the future
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u/rstick369 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 09 '26
YTA. In 9 years we’ll see a “Why doesnt my daughter talk to me anymore” post
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
BS most commenters are projecting their failures onto a bright child. Let her soar in an environment best suited for her intellect
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u/Ridicuo Jan 08 '26
Sorry but you sound like the AH trying to "cover up" and make it sound like you're not stressing her out. This is coming from a former gifted kid who's won gold medals in math and science olympiads pushed by my parents to burnout. I never blame my parents for this cuz I do know that they only want the best but no doubt this is something YOU want for her and not what SHE wants for HERSELF. Parents need to remember that their kid is a HUMAN BEING and they have thoughts on this too.
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u/Strange_Emotion_2646 Jan 08 '26
How much time is dedicated to study and how much time is allocated to pleasure? Because if it is not equal, then your child is missing out on childhood. What sports or activities do they participate in? How much time is spent on those? Do they get outside at all, or is it just the books? Parents who push generally end up with children who detest them. He is not making you the wicked witch, you are turning yourself into one. But let’s be honest - is this her dream or your’s?
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u/EzAeMy Partassipant [4] Jan 09 '26
This makes you sound overbearing and obsessed. Your child does need to be a child. It sounds obvious that you are pushing too hard. You are disregarding your partner completely.
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u/SinglePermission9373 Jan 09 '26
Your husband is right. Back off. Kid is going to be on anxiety meds and in therapy within the year if you don’t stop
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u/CupcakeAlumna Jan 08 '26
A little bit YTA. Wanting the best for your child is understandable but pushing her too much at 10 can easily turn into pressure and also are you not projecting your goals into her?
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u/thehaileybirdie Partassipant [2] Jan 09 '26
Soft YTA. If the motivation does not come from her but from you then she will absolutely burn out and feel like she disappointed you. I know you want what's best for her but are you sure this is for the best?
I know plenty of people who did all of the right things and ticked all of the right boxes but feel like they wasted their life on things that didn't drive them internally. They end up losing their spark for life, burn out, and feel like their value is tied to how smart they are and how well they did in school. Its a lot of pressure for a 10 year old to already have the weight of college on her shoulders.
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u/Electrical_Sky5833 Partassipant [2] Jan 09 '26
YTA. Everything you discuss is how you feel and not about what your daughter wants.
What’s HER goal? All you’ve talked about is YOURS.
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u/ctortan Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26
Former gifted kid here still trying to untangle my sense of self worth from what I can do for others. Also still trying to feel as though I have any value outside of test taking since my social development suffered. Also still trying to stop aggressively self shaming myself for not being good enough. Also trying to stop shaming myself for being an “idiot” if I can’t do something near perfect first try; it’s hard to not just shut down and feel like a failure. Also trying to heal my inner child because as a gifted kid I was treated as “above” other kids—more “mature” and “controlled” when really I was aggressively policing and repressing myself to try and keep up with those expectations. Also because I was always the one trusted by adults, left in charge, and set to tutor and help other kids.
YTA if you don’t pump the brakes. Gifted kid burnout is awful
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
there are different levels to being gifted. You reached your limit sooner than expected. There's nothing wrong with that. It's no reason to hold back a child who might soar further than you were able to because of your anxieties
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u/Keziah_70 Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] Jan 08 '26
You know she will do fine in a comprehensive and even get into a top uni?
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u/LongjumpingLab3092 Jan 08 '26
Okay so I went to a comp and also went to Oxbridge so I can't technically disagree with what you're saying... BUT the odds were so stacked against me, people from private schools were so much better prepared for the admissions process than I was. And other people from my school who should have got in and were cleverer than me didn't, and I think if they'd gone to a different school they would have
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Jan 08 '26
There are a lot of excellent universities other than Oxbridge. What if the kid decides they want to go to eg. Edinburgh, Manchester, St Andrews... Will they not be allowed to because it doesn't fit with their mother's aspirations for them? The poor kid has her entire life planned out for her at ten. I wonder when she'll get a say?
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
that just means you weren't the top student in a competitive environment. Why hold OP's child back because of your failures. It's unfair
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u/TerriblePabz Jan 09 '26
Former "gifted and talented" kid here
I was principles honor roll, AP classes, straight A+ in every class, and taking college classes before I graduated. My parents pushed just like you are pushing. They used the exact same logic as you are using. They wanted the exact same things for me from the time I was 6 until I was 18. They piled more on by wanting me to also play instruments, play sports, and work a job. They wanted me to have the world at my finger tips for my entire life that I was with them.
The resentment that I had for them during that time was limitless. While my friends got to hang out, go places, make memories, and enjoy their childhood. I was forced to see the world as an adult who had to plan and strive against society long before I could drive a car or knew how to properly communicate my thoughts and feelings. I hated being treated like I didn't have my own thoughts, feelings, and desires that were worth even a moment. The moment I walked across the graduation stage, I moved out and figured life out for myself. I barely called and barely visited for holidays. Shortly after that, I moved across the continent and eventually back again. It wasn't until I was 25 with a career that I had even a passing thought of trying to have a relationship with them. Even now, I barely consider them family because of the amount of pressure they put on me that resulted in nothing.
Your pressure doesn't equal success in life, and neither does her performance. Wanting her to do well in school is fine. Wanting her to get a higher education is fine. Wanting her to be successful is fine. Demanding that she sacrifices the best years of her life for something that ultimately determines nothing is the problem. I will admit to not knowing how education is tiered in the UK, but children are the same regardless of where you are. If when she is 13 or 14, she decides what she wants to be and asks you how she can achieve it. That's when you sit down and help her figure out what she needs to do in order to walk that path. If she is happy living in a van by the river while working at a diner, then you just have to accept that. If she would rather be a mechanic, or a painter, or a doctor, or an astronaut, then you have to accept that. Ultimately, unless she genuinely shares your vision for her future, you are only mixing a potion of resentment. She is too young to know enough about how the day to day world works to know if 24/7 studying, Grammer school, and an Ivy League college are what she needs or even wants in order to get to where she wants to go because chances are high that she doesnt even know where she wants to go yet.
YTA but only because you seem hellbent on forcing her to do this regardless of how anyone, including her, might feel. It doesn't sound like you have really talked to her about it, but it sounds like her dad, cousin, and aunt probably have. It is difficult for a child to tell their parent that they dont want the same things because parents typically dismiss their children in one way or another using the same logic I am using to tell you that she doesnt know.
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
it's possible that you were gifted at a lower level. I scored in a high percentage and joined a gifted school. I struggled at first but ultimately loved it. OP's job is to se her child up for the most success. Becoming an astronaut means having the grades and understanding get in a top program. It's not something she can wake up and do after coasting her whole life. You're suggesting OP handicap her child because you were unable to keep up
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u/hotwheels2886 Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
I wonder if op. Is actually reading and going to listen to anyone here there are a lot of reasons parents think it is for the best but setting your kid up for anxiety of falling and burning out isn't one of them
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u/lucifer2990 Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26
YTA. I'm a former gifted kid who ended up feeling like if I ever struggled to understand something, I wasn't actually smart, and if I wasn't smart, nobody would love me. My sister was also gifted, went to an advanced program in high school and got straight As in every class her whole life, then ended up dropping out of college in her 2nd year due to severe burnout. You are putting too much pressure on her and she will not look back fondly on these years.
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u/pbblankgirl Asshole Aficionado [13] Jan 08 '26
INFO: is your daughter your retirement plan?
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u/momshire Jan 08 '26
Absolutely not.
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 09 '26
For your daughter's sake, please don't listen to non-gifted people. I can tell you that school was torture for me before I attended a gifted program. I hated going to school and would stare out of the window or read a book during class. That made other students think I was conceited and isolated me. But when I joined a class of my peers, I struggled a bit but that was the fun part! I excelled
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u/cookiesdragon Jan 10 '26
There is a big difference in being part of a gifted program and having your parent cracking a whip above your head.
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 10 '26
Oh come one. Cracking a whip? Two hours after school is not even close. I sppent all of my extra time outside of school learning. I think what you're missing is that learning isn't a chore. A child who's interested in cooking wouldn't consider cooking classes after school as cracking a whip. Why is it different for math and science? Parents need to nurture theit children's talents or risk the children losing it
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u/Local_Gazelle538 Jan 09 '26
This is too much on a 10 year old. 2.5hrs a day plus more on weekends? Her brain needs time to rest not just push, push, push. There’s a difference between wanting the best for her and driving her to burn out. You’re also teaching her bad things on an emotional level. She’s obviously trying to please you, and to get everything right - what happens if she doesn’t get in, or doesn’t get top scores? Kids internalise a lot of things. My niece’s mother is very exacting, so guess who grew up to have severe anxiety about making sure everything she does is perfect. Her mother also doesn’t think she ever put pressure on her to be perfect. But this is what my niece learnt by her actions.
Your kid is learning that she needs to get everything right and to be the best, that being “gifted” academically is all that counts. That she’ll get a lot of love and attention from you if she does this. Where’s her hobbies in this, does she play a sport on weekends or after school and hang out with her friends? Watch tv after school sometimes? She needs time to decompress and just be a kid. Lots of schools aren’t even giving homework at that age anymore because it causes stress and actually has minimal benefit to their learning.
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u/Icy_Solution_1974 Jan 08 '26
I have two kids, both gifted, and I made it very clear to them that pursuing advanced academics in high school was entirely their decision. Neither of them wanted to, and are now both in university and thriving. You’re NTA, but as a gifted kid myself I’d tell you to be very cautious because it’s so easy for kids to feel that their worth is directly tied to their grades. It is also very easy for kids to feel that high grades are just expected of them - can’t tell you how many times I heard “of course you did great, you’re so gifted”. It sounds like a compliment, but it doesn’t feel like one if that makes sense.
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u/BloodyIbiza Jan 09 '26
INFO: 1. When is the exam? Are we talking about 4-6 months here? How many months has she been prepping already?
If she doesn't get in a grammar school, what's the plan then?
If she does get in, and doesn't adapt/keep up, would you keep the strict study schedule?
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u/Unlikely_Account2244 Jan 09 '26
My son's verbal and performance IQ was first tested in first grade, when he was 6 1/2. He was that much of an outlier. It was then estimated that his verbal IQ was around at 172, but his performance IQ was only about 110. These numbers were consistent throughout elementary and high school. He was given the opportunity to take the ACT in 5th grade, and he was in the top 5% of the nation. In 6th grade he took the SAT and that time he was in the top 1% of the nation. These results were mixed with age appropriate test takers who were in their late teens.
There was absolutely no need to develop schedules or educational advantages for him. Though we did get him language lessons (he now is fluent in 4) and piano lessons which he loved. He created and curated his own education, between the library and his public schools, he educated himself to his own satisfaction.
He makes an adequate salary, and is very happy with his life.
What do you really want for your daughter? Success by your definition, which seems to mean money and prestige, or just happiness? I personally think you only care about appearances and prestige, and your daughter's well-being is inconsequential to you.
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u/kotominammy Professor Emeritass [92] Jan 09 '26
Yeah kinda YTA. My mom pushed me super hard to excel and while I don't particularly feel like it taught me how to work any harder, it DID teach me that I wasn't allowed to fail and that being #2 might as well be the bottom of the leaderboard. Even nowadays I still struggle extremely hard with not being the "best" at literally anything, even hobbies that I do for fun, and my self-worth hasn't really ever evolved past "I'm never going to be good enough". My mom and I do have a good relationship nowadays but only because she has gone to therapy and learned to manage her expectations of my life and step out when I tell her I don't need her input. Even then, it's really only because she's a good person at heart and because I'm really forgiving. You say she knows it's ok to just relax, but are you really sure she does? Wanting the best for your daughter is totally understandable as a mother, but first of all, you need to make sure that this is actually the best for her. Damaging your daughter's mental health long term in search of academic success won't make her any happier.
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u/ClaraFrog Jan 09 '26
You said she's intelligent and loves to learn, the very best way to kill that love is to do what you are doing.
Pushing her does two things: it sucks the joy out of self-motivated learning, and it takes the accomplishment away from her and makes it about you.
Definitely YTA.
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Jan 08 '26
[deleted]
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u/nemaline Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 08 '26
It's not applying to eleven schools - it's a single exam called the 11+ (because it's to get into schools that start at that age). OP wasn't very clear about that for non-Brits though!
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u/ur_menstruatingheart Jan 08 '26
Yeah she also said "exams" and "admissions" making it sound like there was multiple exams
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u/Ok-Trainer3150 Jan 09 '26
I remember those 11 plus exams from the 60s. My father used to say that those who passed and went to grammar were Woolworth's ready.
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u/stiletto929 Jan 09 '26
My mother pushed me very hard academically. Sure I did well and got into good schools. But because she had essentially taken control of my education, I didn’t know how to motivate myself and crashed pretty hard when I was away at a fancy school without her there constantly pushing me. Eventually, I turned my life around and got my grades up and went to law school and have a good life overall. But my mom pushing me hindered that and then she basically pressured me into going to law school. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have even gone to law school.
Let your child learn to be self motivated, listen to what SHE wants to do, and don’t assume that YOU know what is best for her life.
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u/Fioreborn Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
I'm someone who got accepted to take grammar school entry exams and I'm glad I failed (my handwriting is abysmal).
It's very, very stressful. There's so much pressure. Some of the kids I know who got in HATED it. They burned out before their final year and transferred to regular schools and were so much happier.
What does your daughter want?
And if you go with regular school there's plenty you can do to supplement her learning.
Edit to add
After reading your comments YTA. Good gods you're going to damage your kid! 2 hours on weekdays, 3 on weekends, you go through practice papers pointing out where she doesn't do well. She "wants this" because you do. You're pushing it and she's going along with it because she's afraid of disappointing you. Give the poor kid a break.
I was a bright kid, had a good social life, fell behind in college a few times (late assignments) yet still came out with A levels in 3 sciences and other subjects. Did it all without a super strict regime.
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u/StuffedSquash Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 09 '26
That makes me so angry like I know its ok, she knows its ok, we're just trying our best.
Of course she doesn't know it. She's 10 and her mom has her on a "strict" study regimen. Why would she think it's ok to relax? You are teaching her what behaviors are to be rewarded or punished.
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u/vwho21 Jan 09 '26
Op, you've already gotten lots of good comments which all point out yes, YTA, you are pushing your daughter too much and leading her to burn out if you don't relax/stop. I just want to chime in with two things.
One, your husband was never criticizing you. It wasn't about you, it was about all the pressure on your daughter. Please reread your post and register that you got mad at him for telling your daughter "its ok just relax". This is not a problem. Likelihood is, he's noticed she's stressed, and you are so focused on her studies you didn't notice. Not an accusation, I think you need to remember to relax.
Two, make sure to talk with your daughter. Let her lead the conversation about her own wants and feelings. Yes, you care, yes you want the best for her, but what school/s your daughter goes to, how much she studies, her future, none of this is about you or your feelings. Again, not accusing, I think you're stressing and need to remember to breathe.
She's smart and clearly has two supportive parents, just stop pushing. Support. Encourage. Be a helping hand. No more excessive regimends (13 hrs of extra school a week to possibly get into a school is, no matter how much she knows its okay to not get in, will make it that much more devastating if she doesn't get in, and hurt her more than help). Good luck.
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u/dessertandcheese Jan 09 '26
INFO has anyone asked your daughter what she thinks without you around?
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u/Adventurous_Deal2788 Jan 09 '26
And this is why I hate grammar schools being a thing. A test at 11 years old shouldn't be such such a stressful and life altering situation. It's so wrong and your daughter will crash out like this. Im glad I moved away from where I'm from and my kids never had to worry about the 11+
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u/incospicuous_echoes Asshole Aficionado [12] Jan 09 '26
Your daughter is a person, not a project. Redirect your “challenge and drive” into developing your own talents, and achieving on your own instead of standing on the back of your ten year old. YTA
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u/Maleficent_Horror357 Jan 09 '26
There is a real issue with kids who have been hothoused to get through the 11+ and who then simply can't keep up when they are actually in the school. There might also be an issue with these older and more traditional schools not having as much of an emphasis on student wellbeing as more modern schools might.
We tutored my son. He passed the exam, but didn't get a place. He's at a standard comprehensive now and it's the best thing that could possibly have happened. He's on track to go to whatever university he wants and the school will support him to whatever extent he needs to get there. Please let your daughter find her own way, whatever school she gets into.
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u/Fridadog1 Jan 09 '26
Hi there, I am a mum of a pupil at a very selective school. He is very bright, was keen to go to the school, and I was keen for him to achieve his aim. He didn’t do any particular revision, and got in easily. He is top of his classes and very happy there. It is definitely the right fit for him.
Some of the children in his year, who got in after working very hard to pass the exam, are stressed and not happy in the school. There are very high academic demands, and they have been struggling and doing extra work for years now. It definitely isn’t a good fit for them. They would be better in a different school that can nurture their strengths.
I would advise you to ease up. If your child is a good fit for a selective, very academic school, they will likely get a place without all the work you are doing. If they don’t get a place, then perhaps they will go to a school that will nurture their strengths and not push them to breaking point over several years.
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u/toyodditiescollector Jan 09 '26
Sighs...another mom living thru her daughter. I can't wait for the kiddo to be 15 and fed up with school.
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u/RainInTheWoods Jan 09 '26
YTA. This sounds like you’re living vicariously.
makes it more competitive for us
we’re just trying our best
wanting the best for my girl
I repeat, it sounds like you’re living vicariously. You want to succeed for yourself and you’re using your daughter to do it?
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u/Winter-Yogurt-4209 Partassipant [2] Jan 12 '26
My mom was like this and I hated it. I ended up burnt out and in the hospital because of it. Don’t push her. She is a kid, let her be one. I stopped talking to and living with my mom this year (last year of high school) because of stuff like this. Public school is fine. A good education is nice, but she NEEDS fun and friends. You can’t make her want something, and it sounds like you’re stressing her out over things a kid shouldn’t spend that much time worrying about. You should be asking what your daughter wants. She’s the one you need to listen to.
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u/Practical-Let-7725 Jan 08 '26
Honestly, this sounds so similar to when I was 10 and my mum pushed me to go to the local grammar school. I actually didn’t want to go to that school, as none of my friends were going there and I had to spend the whole summer studying instead of playing out with my friends which was kind of shit, but looking back I don’t really think much of that summer and it paid off and I got in (Which I was happy about in the end as it was a big achievement). I did kind of seek my mum’s approval for doing well in school though, and tbh that’s kind of where my mum’s interest in my education ended. After that she didn’t care much about my grades and didn’t even know what A-levels I did, showed 0 interest in which universities I wanted to go to etc. I think what’s more important is how you are with her during her secondary school years. Obviously give more of a shit than my mum did, but don’t put too much pressure on her, or she’ll never learn how to self-motivate and may associate your love and approval by her grades/success.
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u/Ok-Many4262 Partassipant [3] Jan 08 '26
Be child focused and follow her lead- and that involves taking a step back to discern where your husband’s concerns come from- if it’s about not rocking the boat in the extended family, then be mindful of framing grammar school as the only best choice available (not saying it isn’t for your kid, but it’s not the right path for every child). However, if there is concern for your child’s wellbeing- then you need to consider if you are ignoring any indications that your daughter is not completely on board and is participating to placate you.
Having said that, your baseline needs to be ensuring that daughter feels secure and loved for who she is rather than worrying that her parents support is conditional on her achievement.
NTA, with concerns
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Hi, I wanted to get some perspective here. We live in the UK, and my husband and I have two kids. My daughter is 10, and very driven, very intelligent, gets raving feedback from her teachers. She tells me she gets done with her work 15 miniutes into the class.
I'm having her sit for 11+ admissions this year for grammar schools. I've been prepping her, she's doing well. These exams are super competitive especially for the best grammar schools, and we are out of catchment for some of them so that makes it even more competitive for us. So naturally I've set up a fairly strict regimen for her, and am pushing her.
My husband thinks I'm not letting her be a child, and will sometimes try to swoop in and tell her its ok just relax. That makes me so angry like I know its ok, she knows its ok, we're just trying our best. She's so talented, and some of these schools are considered a pipeline to Oxbridge. It makes it seem like I'm an evil mother, and I've told him about this in private, and he says I care more about this than she does. But I care about it because I care about her, she's my daughter, I want the best for her. His sister's daughter also goes to my daughter's current school, and she's also been lamenting that her daughter will lose out on her cousin. First, my daughter and her cousin are not bffs, and also why is this supposed to be a factor. But my husband brings this point up in our arguments as well. I feel like I'm being criticized for wanting the best for my girl. AITA?
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u/anonymousreader7300 Jan 09 '26
I won’t give judgement on asshole or not. Gifted kid here but I never had parents give me time of day or push me or anything. Sometimes I would’ve liked them to advocate for me to go to better school and skip grades but that’s me. It’s important to ask your kid what they want to do as well. Have you both sat her down and asked her how she would feel about attending this school and doing all the work involved? Does she feel like she’s missing out on being a kid? Can you explain to her the sacrifices that might be involved as well as the benefits that potentially might come with? She’s clearly smart, and I think it would help to allow her to have some say in this decision. Most people will be saying no don’t pressure your kid. But the opposite end of that is the kid resenting the parents for holding them back. There may be a compromise in there somewhere. Like staying in the current school but accelerating in certain subjects?
2
u/Peterd1900 Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
Like staying in the current school but accelerating in certain subjects?
She is in Year 6 which is the final year of Primary School.
After Year 6 you go in to Secondary School In Year 7. A Grammar School being a specific type of Secondary School
At the end of the school year she will leave this school and will have to go to another one
This 11+ is the exam which determines what her Secondary School is whether she is eligible to to a grammar school or just goes to a normal state school. Its not that her parents are just electing to take her out of her current school and put her in another one. She has to go to a new school
1
u/panic_bread Commander in Cheeks [252] Jan 09 '26
I know you mean well, but you are going to ruin yøur kid and make it much less likely that she will have success in life. Chill out and let her be a child. YTA
1
u/Unable_Pumpkin987 Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26
If the admissions exams are so difficult for her that she has to study for months to get in, it might not be the right place for her. Yes, there will be other kids in the school who also prepped hard for the admissions exams, but there will be a lot of kids there who just “get it” much easier and faster and didn’t have to prep at all. Placing your daughter in a position where she will constantly be sprinting to keep up with her peers is a recipe for disaster, IMO.
I spent years as a private tutor. I helped a lot of kids get scores on tests that they had to work hard for. I always advised parents to prioritize a good fit for their student over prestige when looking at schools, because prestige doesn’t matter as much as people expect in a lot of cases, and it doesn’t matter at all if you aren’t actually equipped to succeed in whatever school you manage to get into. Despite that, I know many students who put all their effort into test scores and applications to get into the most prestigious school they could and ended up miserable, often leaving for a better fit midway through their studies. Which is an all-around worse outcome than simply starting off at the best place for you to begin with.
All that said, let your 10 year old take the test for 10 year olds and do her own very best without your coaching or help. Wherever she ends up based on that is where she will have the best chance of success.
1
u/Special_Onion3013 Jan 09 '26
YTA. Fuming here as a former 'gifted kid'. At least my parents didn't pester me, but my school did as I had an older brother. My life has been semi miserable since. Shame on you
1
Jan 09 '26
YTA
If your kid is as amazing and talented as you think, she’ll get in whatever university she wants, even without the “correct” school on her transcript.
1
u/PremeditatedTourette Jan 09 '26
Hi, I don’t know if this helps but:
I lived 2 mins from the county boundary and didn’t go to a grammar school. Of my two best friends from sixth form, one had aced the 11-plus and went to the local grammar. The other failed the 11-plus and just went to normal high school.
All 3 of us joined the grammar for sixth form, which was non-selective. We all got straight As at A-level (A* didn’t exist in them days…). Two of us went on to Cambridge, being me and the friend who had originally failed the 11-plus. Kings and Corpus Christi respectively. Our friend applied to Oxford but didn’t pass the interview. Ended up extremely successful in her career anyway. We’re all happy and still in touch.
I guess I’m saying it doesn’t actually matter, academically. What may matter is… well, I can’t really think of the word. Not so much socially, but more… pastorally? This is why I can’t tell you it doesn’t matter at all. In my case, I had the nerve to play musical instruments to a really high standard (even made this my career until all the running around the country got too exhausting). However, in my school you couldn’t be clever, you couldn’t have ‘nerdy’ hobbies, you’d be an ass-kicking waiting to happen. By the time I got to the grammar at 16 I was so used to not telling anyone I played that eventually the music teacher of that school found out on his own and DUG me out of a lesson to ‘have a chat’. I struggled a lot with performance anxiety and always will, and I attribute this to my sucky high school where I wasn’t allowed to be me and spent all my energy desperately faking a whole personality so that I could stay under the radar. At the grammar I would have been supported, allowed safe opportunities to practice performing, and there would have been school orchestras and choirs in which I would have been welcome. But I lived two minutes too far west.
You know your daughter. If she would go under at a mainstream school for other reasons then give it your best shot, but please don’t worry about her academically. The academic stars will shine anyway, when they are ready. And that might not be now, and that’s ok.
1
u/Variable_Required Jan 09 '26
Would ask you to understand where your daughter really stands. Sometimes its the parent pushing their kids for things they wanted or want. If your daughter is really talented, sure go for it, but if she aint you may be pushing her too hard.
1
u/bella_bells19 Partassipant [4] Jan 09 '26
YTA - you’re so focused on who your daughter is going to be as an adult, that you’re not letting her be who she is as a child.
1
u/Dragon_Queen_666 Certified Proctologist [26] Jan 09 '26
YTA. Let the poor child actually be a child.
All you're doing is demonstrating to your daughter that you care more about her getting into a particular school rather than anything that your daughter actually enjoys. You're risking your daughter growing up with resentment that nothing she wanted was ever good enough to make you proud of her.
1
u/MiLowe35 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 09 '26
YTA - there is not one resume in the world that cares what grades someone got in elementary school. Make sure she gets a good education and then let her be a kid.
1
1
u/reservedandbooked Partassipant [3] Jan 09 '26
“She knows it’s OK” Does she? How? If you don’t tell her and get angry when anyone else does how on earth is she supposed to know it’s OK?
Please read the comments from the people who were your daughter, because they’re her future. If you want that future for her (burnt out, struggling with life, hating you) then keep going.
YTA
1
u/phraxious Jan 10 '26
I fought my Dad tooth and nail to avoid going to grammar school and I haven't once regretted it, but I do remember how much of a jerk he was about it. The anxiety of trying to live up to his expectations has stayed with me into adulthood.
He wanted me to apply to Oxbridge. I didn't get in and I consider that a dodged bullet because I would not have survived it.
My partner went to grammar school and she has multiple stories of eating disorders, rampant anxiety and teachers berating students for getting an A instead an A*.
If your daughter is that smart, the only thing that will limit her success is her own mental health, not the school she goes to.
YTA
1
u/Massive_Opinion_5714 Partassipant [2] Jan 13 '26
If she wants this, and enjoys the challenge, then NTA. But if you’re more or less forcing her, YTA.
But even if she is the one driving this, you need to make sure she’s getting downtime and seeing friends. The comments about burnout are real.
Also, have you considered what her life will look like if she does get into a grammar school? Will she have to study at this level once she’s accepted? Because it doesn’t sound sustainable.
1
u/GenghisQuan2571 Partassipant [1] Jan 13 '26
NTA, also former gifted child and got pushed into study and extracurriculars and ya know what? If I didn't, I know for a fact that I wouldn't have the fairly successful upper-ish middle class life I do without it, because if I wasn't pushed then I would have just wasted my time playing video games. There's a reason we don't let children vote, and the thing about tiger parenting is that you hear disproportionately from the people who hated it and rarely from the people for whom it worked, because the former group have much stronger feelings about it than the latter.
At the end of the day, a lot of things that are conducive to "making it" in life have hard academic requirements which can only be attained by putting in the hours.
1
u/Suspicious_Tell3963 Partassipant [1] Jan 14 '26
Late but I knew someone like this. Gifted, driven, very intelligent, and with a mother that constantly pushed her to be the very best she could be. That pressure dug deep, anything less than perfection or what her mother wanted = failure. Then it got too much and she killed herself.
Don’t be that mom.
-4
Jan 08 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
10
u/172116 Partassipant [1] Jan 08 '26
11+ is the name of the entrance exam, not the number of schools she is applying to!
8
u/LongjumpingLab3092 Jan 08 '26
It's not over 11 exams, the exam for grammar schools is called "the eleven plus", it's one exam
1
1
u/Says_Who22 Partassipant [1] Jan 08 '26
It depends. If your daughter is average, or just a bit above average academically, then you are doing her no favours. She will struggle throughout secondary school, needing extra support to keep up. It will undermine her self confidence and cause her damage. Talk to her primary teachers. Is she G&T for maths/english/sciences? Do they think she is in the top 5 in the class? Do they think she should be SATs grade 5 or even 6 at the end of year 6? (Assuming SATs are still a thing at the end of KS2).
Not all primary teachers support grammar school education. But they are generally pretty good at assessing a child’s academic ability. If they agree she’ll cope, then helping her understand the format of the tests and getting some practice in is no big deal. But if they don’t, and you are having to teach her material, please look for a decent comp instead, where she can succeed, rather than always think of herself as a failure in comparison to the brighter students she’ll be with in a grammar school.
1
u/nastyleak Jan 09 '26
I think gentle YTA, but I have questions. How does your daughter feel about the prep? Does she enjoy it or is it a struggle? Are you forcing her? Are there tears? Is she in Y5 or Y6? When is the test? Depending how close you are to it, I'd potentially cut down to one hour a day on weekdays, just to let her have a little more free time. Also, how is she going to feel if she does all this prep and does not get in? Will she be devastated? What are her school options if she doesn't get in? It sounds like you're not in a grammar area, so how are the local comprehensives?
I live in the UK and have children in Y7 and Y5. My Y7 daughter applied to grammar school, but we are not in a grammar area and therefore only had access to one grammar school, which is potentially the hardest to get into in the country. We decided that she would study and get tutored over the summer (exam at end of summer). She is very bright and worked extremely hard for about 6 weeks and did not get in. She did very well on the practice tests, but the percentage of children who get in is so low that it did not matter. However, there were a few other children in her school who prepped for multiple years and were also bright. They did not get in either. It was a lot more upsetting for them. My daughter is now in our local comprehensive in top sets doing very well and very happy.
-1
u/RogueWedge Jan 08 '26
YTA
11+ admissions? Whats the exact number. 19? Youre not her mother youre a bloody coach. Let her be a kid.
What does your daughter want to do? What are you going to do so she doesnt burn out?
I know a girl (long time ago), driven, talented. Got the marks, then in first year uni, threw it all in. She didnt want to do any of it.
11
u/Peterd1900 Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
11+ is the name of the exam not how many she is doing
In Year 6 where student are about 10-11 you may take an exam called the 11+ which determines whether you get into a grammar school in Year 7
The plus signifies placement after age 11. Its an exam for admission to schools where kids will be 11+
3
u/Solifuga Jan 09 '26
... She's sitting the exam called the 11-plus, bro, not doing north of 11 school's entrance exams. 🤣
0
u/TararaBoomDA Asshole Aficionado [12] Jan 09 '26
Does your daughter feel as enthusiastic about sitting for the 11+ as you do?
- If yes, you are not the asshole, but your husband may be.
- If no, you are the asshole, and your husband isn't.
So if you want to settle the question, ask your daughter what SHE wants. And listen to her.
-9
u/cupcakewarrior08 Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26
She's 10, she doesn't know shit about the benefits of going to a good school. A good parent makes their kid do hard things they don't want to do for the benefit of their future - which again, a 10 year old will not comprehend in the slightest.
Can almost guarantee if given the choice, the kid would rather be playing. But as an adult, the OP knows that isn't what's best for the kid.
8
u/palcatraz Jan 09 '26
There is another adult in the situation who doesn't think this is the best for the kid though. OP isn't automatically correct just cause she is an adult.
4
u/EleanorSeesThings Jan 09 '26
If a 10yo would rather play than spend ~16 hours each week of additional school work on top of their regular school work, that's what's best for them. OP's partner and coparent happens to agree.
-5
u/cupcakewarrior08 Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26
A 10yo would rather play than go to school at all. Should she just pull her out of school and let her play all day instead, since thats what the 10yo wants?
1
u/EleanorSeesThings Jan 09 '26
Interesting that you skipped over the actual solution here, which is to stick to the normal school schedule with perhaps 1-3 hours per week of additional study to prepare for the testing to get into grammar IF the daughter actually wants to go to a more challenging school.
As parents, we are not restricted to the two (bad) options of either 1) pushing our kids too hard and expecting too much of them, thus stripping them of their childhoods, or 2) completely neglecting to have any boundaries or expectations of them at all, thus stripping them of the tools they need to develop to have a successful adulthood. There is lots of middle ground between the two extremes. That's where parents should aim.
-11
u/Squidjit89 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 08 '26
NTA, my husband works in UK state school, if she can get into a grammar that’s a feeder for oxbridge she’s been set up for life. Our nephew is on this track and waiting to hear back from his trinity Cambridge application. That kid is going places because of the grammar school he went to. He loves studying genuinely. If your kid wants this you do everything you can to help. That’s good parenting. Your husband clearly has some insecurities about how smart she is. Did he fail to get into grammar…
12
u/fayegopop Jan 08 '26
it’s great to support a kid who wants such things- but dad, and other family members collectively agree she’s being pushed too hard. whether the child has brought it up or not, it shows that other people in this family see issues with her daughters workload.
7
u/SlytherinPaninis Jan 08 '26
There needs to be a middle ground. This is how a kid flames out in their teens.
-1
u/Waste_Locksmith_4299 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 08 '26
I think you have asked a question for which there will be no consensus. Some people are driven, career minded and want to optimize their self Other people are not like this. It's good your daughter has two parents who love her and want the best for her. But be aware that they may rebel against this path in the future if it's not what they want. At this point you should accept that it's their life and let them choose their own path, otherwise they may resent you. If they keep going for "maximum achievement" then great, but remember it's not essential to having a happy successful life.
0
u/ConflictGullible392 Supreme Court Just-ass [113] Jan 09 '26
Does your daughter want to be doing this? That is the key question. Both you and your husband have valid points. Is it true when he says you care about this more than her? If she wants to push herself because getting into these schools is important to her, NTA. If you’re forcing her, YTA.
0
u/confused--parent Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
Sorry, soft YTA. I get you have good intentions. But pushing her this hard this early will only lead to her burning out and resenting you, and she might not even want to go to those universities by the time she's old enough to apply. Kids need time to relax and socialize too
-3
u/Dramatic_Phraser Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26
You mean Oxford, not Oxbridge?!
5
u/nemaline Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 09 '26
Oxbridge = Oxford and Cambridge. Common to refer to them that way in the UK, probably less so outside!
3
3
u/Peterd1900 Jan 09 '26
Oxbridge term combining University of Oxford and University of Cambridge
pipeline to Oxbridge refers to a pathway, that funnels high-achieving students into the prestigious universities of Oxford or Cambridge,
-1
u/quick_justice Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26
NTA it’s important however you are obsessed with it which is bad. What will you do if she doesn’t get in? Push harder?
Let her sit 11+ and let it go. If she’s in let her fight for herself, your job is done for now. If she’s doesn’t don’t you dare be disappointed and increase pressure.
-1
u/alien_overlord_1001 Supreme Court Just-ass [111] Jan 09 '26
NTA - with limits. If this is about getting into the school, and she isn't pushing back and seems happy, then it's probably fine. A 10 year old would not yet have the comprehension to understand how important this opportunity might be. You are giving her additional pathways to go on in the future.
You will turn into the AH however, if you continue pushing after the result of this entrance test is known - if she does get into the grammar school, then you need to pull back a bit and let her be a kid as well as care about school - i.e. maintenance, not constant pushing. Like most kids, the more you harp on about something, the less likely they are to want to do it. Encourage her but don't force it. If she doesn't get in, it is NOT the end of the road - she will still have options if she wants them. Don't make it sound like the a universe ending event if she doesn't get in.
I think it's all about your actions after the entrance tests.
-1
u/PurlsandPearls Jan 09 '26
May be the unpopular opinion here based on the comments but I am also a former “gifted kid”, and NTA. I say this as the child of admitted tiger parenting. I am absolutely for pushing your child. Developmental research shows that children thrive when given a relatively strict and reliable schedule, and learning in childhood how to consistently work towards a goal is an invaluable life skill. FWIW I credit all my achievements to my parents pushing me.
-1
u/Exciting-Froyo3825 Partassipant [4] Jan 09 '26
So I don’t think you’re the AH…..yet. But you’re teetering very close to the edge. You need to sit down with your daughter. Tell her you love her and are proud of her even if she doesn’t go to a fancy grammar school or graduate from Cambridge. That her accomplishments mean something because they are her accomplishments not because they are of any specific magnitude. Then ask her what SHE wants to do. She may be the weird kid I was who WANTS to go to a fancy grammar school (my mother didn’t let me) and study. She may be the kid my husband was and just wanted to graduate and go into trade (he makes more than I do without a college degree). Whatever she wants to do, support that and back away from the “her life will be ruined if she doesn’t do XYZ now!!” ledge while she’s young enough for you to do so. If she’s as smart as you say she is, she will land in her feet.
-6
u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Asshole Aficionado [13] Jan 09 '26
He doesn't want his own child to go to a better school than his niece?
Father of the Year right here.
What happens if your daughter does not get in? Does she stay where she is?
How long will this regimen continue?
Assuming she has an adequate amount of time to play and be a kid, NTA.
3
u/Peterd1900 Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
What happens if your daughter does not get in? Does she stay where she is?
She is in Year 6 which is the last year of Primary
This 11+ is an exam which will determine what Secondary School she goes to from September A Grammar school is a type of secondary school
If she does not get into a grammar school she will just go to a another Secondary School in September
She will be in her current school until the end of the school year in July and then will have to another school regardless
-2
u/SupaC123 Jan 09 '26
NTA. I got borderline scores and my mum fought my appeal (right up to the local councillor/court level), while my dad just wanted to spare me the disappointment. I’m nearly 40 now and I’m still so grateful I got into grammar school. The right school really can set you up for life.
-9
u/RecycledPopcorn Partassipant [1] Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
NTA.
A lot of parents in the UK do this. Mine did, and I don't think it had a negative impact on me. As long as your daughter also feels supported by her parents and has time to be a child, engage in hobbies and spend time with friends, there's no issue. Doing the 11+ is 100% worth it in the long-run. When she's passed the exam, she'll get the chance to relax more.
Unless you can afford private school, you're Catholic, or you live in an extremely affluent area where the local comp is actually good, grammar is your only option.
The vast majority of state schools in the UK are terrible. Sub-par teaching, gangs, knife violence, regular fights, drugs, etc. It's unfortunate, but it's a fact. The system is pretty much broken. Going to a bad state school wrecks children's education, ability to get into a good university, and future social mobility in general.
It sounds like your husband might be jealous of your daughter's prospects or something. I went to grammar school, and about 20 students from my year went to Oxbridge. Nearly everyone else (including me) went to a Russell group.
-3
u/hallerz87 Partassipant [1] Jan 08 '26
INFO: 100% depends what this "strict regime" consists of. Half an hour of practice questions every evening, having a bit of fun with it, don't see an issue. Having her write an exam every evening then berating her for mistakes, then yeah, you need to back off. There are certain moments where we should push our kids as it will set them up for a better life. 11+ is one of those moments where she will appreciate you pushed her if she ends up in a great grammar school where she can flourish (not that she can't at a comp but really depends on the comp).
6
u/palcatraz Jan 09 '26
OP mentioned that this strict regime is 2-2.5 hours every weekday and 3 hours on weekends.
-5
u/PrimeWolf101 Partassipant [1] Jan 09 '26
Firstly lots of people on this sub are American, so I don't think they will have the context of grammar schools.
How important this is really depends on the quality of your local non-grammar schools. Given you said there's a few grammars in range I'm guessing maybe you're in London, in which case getting into a grammar school really can be a big factor in long term education and career success given the quality of many of the public schools and the fact that teachers are dealing with a lot of disruption from kids who don't want to be there.
At the end of the day, especially if you are in London many parents will be paying for tutoring ect to try get their kids into grammar schools. Natural smarts alone just doesn't cut it anymore, children need support and additional learning outside of school to compete in such highly competitive environments.
But you use the word 'pushing' and you mention Oxbridge, that does ring some alarm bells. It sounds like your daughter is invested in learning and bright, nurturing that is important but the goal should always be to support her to achieve her desires and potential. Not pushing her to achieve. It's so incredibly vital to keep her association with learning positive and self directed, you don't want to give her a negative relationship to working hard by putting outside pressure on her and you don't want to give her a complex where she connects her academic achievement to her self worth. This happens to smart kids far too often and it massively holds them back once they get to university and have to be self motivated.
She's still young, keep it fun, enjoy this opportunity to spend time together bonding and praise her for the effort she puts in rather than the results of that effort. If she doesn't get in, make sure you tell her how proud you are of her hard work. Things like that can shape a child's life as much as what school they go to.
NTA
•
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