I feel something weird that I haven't really worked on understanding yet, and I don't know if it's just me.

I talk about my adoption a lot, just randomly, not to people I care about a lot because I'm scared of being annoying but that's not the point. It feels like I always run back to talking about it, I don't like the feeling when I do, it's overwhelming and it sits heavy. But when I'm done talking it feels like I need to distract myself so I just watch some videos or something like that. But then again, no matter if I'm happy, nervous, sad. I just always run back to talking about it, and it goes in the same loop. I don't understand it. Do I like talking about it? But I don't like the emotions. Maybe I'm trying to figure something out? But there's nothing I can figure out by just talking.

So I really don't understand why I do that, why do I run back to talk about it every time?

This is embarrassing, I guess. But sometimes it feels like I say to myself "oh, well at least you have a cool backstory to you, you're not boring." Something along these lines, and sometimes I do think that way, it's not a cool backstory, I don't know. Maybe it can be very hurtful but also cool? I always wish I'm normal and "boring" rather than whatever I think I am.

I don't understand this, and frankly I don't want to go through so much just to figure it out, so maybe one of you has an answer.

I’m in my mid-thirties and have known about my adoption since I could form memories. Some parts of me always felt out of place and I struggled with objective confidence.

I have come to terms with being an introvert. I did a DNA search and have made contact with my family. I feel like the people that are aware of my new knowledge expect my to magically come out of this fog and just have mastery of who I am.

Has anyone else dealt with confidence issues related to their adoption and potential sensitivities from childhood? Did you ever feel more grounded in yourself after knowing more or meeting your birth parents/family?

I read that many children in orphanages die due to lack of love and human touch. The longer you go without love the more it affects you. I was 18 months old when I was adopted and the people who adopted me beat and abused me. I often wonder if this is why I am an introvert and I have trouble with relationships and trusting. Do you think you suffer from long term childhood neglect?