r/AITAH • u/TTFNUntilanothertime • 11h ago
AITAH Husband at the gym
AITAH My husband and I ( married 40+} recently joined the gym. I joined many different classes, spin, Zumba and weight lifting, my husband opted for some basic free weights and machines. I encouraged him to try spin which he loves. This began a small issue where my husband becomes the center of attention talking to everyone it’s kind of like he takes all of the air out of the room and there’s no air for me. I am more reserved but I also go to work out, I do greet people and may have some light conversation but that’s it. Spin is not the issue. I’m glad he’s enjoying the class. I did also suggest he take a weight strengthening class and he refused for a year and then finally took one with me. He now attends that class and has become friends with everyone. Also for any class he takes with me I set up his equipment because he comes straight from work or is doing something else before coming to class. I make sure I’m in class 15 minutes early so I can get myself set up and have my favorite spot. The problem is now he wants to come to Zumba and my other classes. I hate to be that person but I just feel that I want my own exercise space where I don’t have to think about anyone but myself. So AITAH for not wanting my husband in every class I take?
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u/Stop-overreacting 11h ago
You: I encouraged him to try spin, which he loves"
Also you: I think I'm jealous that he's a friendly, outgoing guy... no one is paying attention to me.
Good grief
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u/fakeplant101 11h ago
You might be the AH because you encouraged him to take the classes, and then once he did, you’re mad? Like, what? If you wanted to do your own thing and have your own space that’s fine, but then why did you tell him to join? This could have been avoided. After reading your post it seems like you’re upset with him for doing exactly what you wanted
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u/notyourtoken 11h ago
YTA; you started all of this and bow hate the momentum. You pushed for him to do these things in "your" space knowing how his personality is. If you wanted your own space you could have had that, but to your own words YOU suggested classes which he initially refused then came around to. By this logic why would he not like another class you're in because you make good choices. So unless you conversate and voice your feelings you will continue to BTA. (Personally)
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u/MikeReddit74 11h ago
You encouraged him to take classes with you, and now you have a problem with him being in the same classes? You should’ve had a conversation with him before coming to Reddit.
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u/night_noche 11h ago
YTA
You sound like a mean girl that's insecure and jealous of her husband...
Yikes.
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u/aloneisusuallybetter 11h ago
Yeah. She's upset that he's..... Friendly?
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u/dianafofana- 9h ago
Right. I am more introverted and my husband is very social and outgoing. I love that he makes friends so I don't have to talk much lol.
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u/mangolover 3h ago
Ok so you are admittedly different than OP, which automatically makes her the asshole? 🤔
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u/badpuppeh76 11h ago
He is taking all the attention I meant for me!!!
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u/night_noche 10h ago
I am much more extroverted than my husband, but everybody loves my husband more than they like me. He is a living doll. I love that. If people give my husband attention, as long as he doesn't mind, it doesn't bother me.
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u/bhampson 2h ago
Yea. The way she evens says “he takes the air out of the room.” That’s usually in reference to a domineering narcissist who doesn’t let ANYONE talk. He sounds like he’s just Golden Retriever energy and takes away attention from HER. Weird and jealous attitude.
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u/lizzyote 11h ago
So you want him to keep to himself when it comes to the gym just because you keep to yourself? YTA. You literally invited him into these spaces and now you're upset that he accepted your invitation...
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u/firewifegirlmom0124 11h ago
NAH -
Honestly, I am like your husband. I’m very friendly and outgoing and my husband is much quieter. He tells me frequently, I could have a conversation with a fencepost, and get it to talk back and find out its whole life story.
We worked at the same company for 4 years. And he didn’t really thrive till I left. We were in very different roles but knew all the same people. After I left, he built relationships outside of me, and as new people came in who didn’t know me and didn’t ask about me specifically as a former coworker, he became more and more comfortable. We just moved states for his job and no one here knows me and he has expressed that it’s kind of been nice to build a reputation and relationship other than as my husband.
So I definitely see where you are coming from.
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u/Maximum-Armadillo809 5h ago
YTA.
The man cannot win. You suggest he joins you for something, he dutifully agrees. You get mad/jealous he is making friends. I have no doubt you would also sulk if he declined.
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u/azrael109 11h ago
NTA for not wanting him in every class and wanting something own.
YTA for beeing jealous that he is social and making friends with everyone.
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u/hey_nonny_nonny82 11h ago edited 11h ago
NTA to want your own spaces. Just let him know you want to have some classes all to yourself. He can still do them, but different ones than you.
Edit: Husband isn't the AH either.
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u/Wat3rM3L0NB3AR 11h ago edited 11h ago
i don't understand this post - you and your husband have a good relationship and doing activities together. Isn't that a good thing? I mean, yeah sure your husband is very sociable and it was your idea to do some classes.
You should've known how he is - you married him! lol
NTA - for wanting privacy but you played yourself. Your husband seems fun and i don't feel sorry for you.
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u/lolliberryx 9h ago
YTA. You sound exhausting.
“Take these classes with me!! …. but not like that!”
Tf are you on
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 11h ago
NTA for wanting space away from your husband, take different classes and problem solved.
What does come across though is you seem jealous of the attention your husband is getting from your shared classes.
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u/Stephenrudolf 11h ago
"NTA" means "Not the asshole... and the other party is" we have "NAH" for "No Assholes Here"
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 1h ago
In the context of OP's post, they are asking if they, singular, are the asshole not, who is the AH, me or my husband.
The use of NTA to respond to the initial question is fine, I wouldn't say NAH because OP's jealousy towards her husband for just existing in the same space as her, I would class as AH behaviour.
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u/fck-rffld 11h ago
NAH for having feelings. YWBTA if you dont have a conversation with your husband about this.
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u/Hairy-Proof8504 11h ago
Oh, good God, why is this an issue???? Just tell him you want your own space. Tell him you want him to work out, just not with you. Why are you setting his stuff up, he can do it for himself, you are making it really easy for him to workout with you.
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u/FalseAd4246 11h ago
You’re upset that your husband wants to do classes with you that you suggested in the first place. Oh, and that your husband is friendly. YTA
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u/trickydisko 11h ago
sounds like you need to be the center of attention.
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u/HopefulPlantain5475 9h ago
She doesn't even want to be the center of attention, she just wants him not to be for some reason.
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u/FrenchToastedArt 7h ago
YTA, stop begging him to join classes if you don't actually want him there. You created this entire issue and seem incredibly jealous. You absolutely deserve alone time and solo activities, but after how much you pushed him into joining you, you are kind of pulling the rug out from under him by changing your mind.
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u/PorkChop70-1 10h ago
YTA. You spent a long amount of time pushing him to join you in classes, and you now miraculously don’t want him there. These signals are far too mixed.
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u/Sufficient_War_1891 10h ago
NAH. He can take classes too. You and he need to talk and figure out what you want to do.
He did what you asked now you're mad. lol
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u/DConstructed 5h ago
“ I want my own exercise space where I don’t have to think about anyone but myself”.
Do it with the classes you have. “Honey, I think I’ve been focusing on you more than myself with these classes so from now on I’d like it if you did your own set up”.
Then focus. He may be on a different part of the room but that’s fine.
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u/TheMoatCalin 10h ago
Stop setting up his equipment? Like WTF is that? What would he do if you weren’t there? Figure it out on his own. Sounds like you’re getting burnt out of his constant presence and caretaking think you’ll feel better if you go separately and stop waiting on him like you’re his employee. NTJ
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u/Prestigious_Elk353 5h ago
This stood out for me too.
Gives a sense of a not so healthy relationship dynamic beyond the one most people are calling out in the comments. Sounds like he might not be just a great outgoing guy to her more introverted self. Sounds like he may not be respectful of her.
But OP you have power here! Stop setting up his stuff. Book onto different times. Tell him you like having some classes that are just yours. And give him back the same energy in joint classes - do your thing and don’t worry about what he’s up to.
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u/South-Quiet4511 1h ago
Yes! This is the most reasonable answer I've read so far. If the problem is that you feel burdened by caretaking and managing his experience, back off and stop focusing on waiting on him! You don't need to do that, and there's nothing wrong with wanting some things to be just you things.
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u/wrenwood2018 11h ago
So two parts
NTA in terms of you wanting your own space. That is reasonable.
YTA in how you are approaching a lot of this. You ask him to take a class with you. He does. His crime is wanting to be with you and that . . . he is friendly? People like him? Oh the horror. You come across as jealous and petty. You are annoyed he just breezes into class and people adore him. If that is your issue then just stop doing classes with him.
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u/Fun_Concentrate_7844 10h ago
My wife and I, also 40 + years together, prefer to not work out together. We have a trainer that offers couples workouts...nope. we each want our own space and there is nothing wrong with that.
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u/Beth21286 6h ago
Why are you still inviting him to your classes if it ruins the experience for you? Move to other class times and be done with it.
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u/mangolover 3h ago
Do you watch Schitt’s Creek? You should watch S4E8 when Moira tells Johnny not to join the Jazzagals because that’s her thing
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u/Shiel009 11h ago
Girl you married a golden retriever with most likely adhd. Let him join your class, then make him do a different class with you. He’ll forgot about Zumba and have a new hyper focus workout to make friends at
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u/silliestkitty 11h ago
YTA - are you sure you're are in your 40's? This sounds like high school drama. Btw, you encouraged him to take classes with you.
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u/WhiskyWillFixIt 11h ago
She didnt give their ages, but I agree
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u/CalypsoTheKitty 11h ago
They've been married 40+ years! OP is in her 60s (from post history).
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u/WAR_WeAreRobots_WAR 10h ago
Wasn't sure if it they were married for 40+ years or both of their ages are 40+. Though as I reread I think you're right.
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u/IMAWNIT 9h ago
First of all only weight has equipment to set up. The rest is just getting the spot you want. You are not obligated to “dance wide” and save him a spot in the other classes.
Is he bothering you? Is he ignoring you? Is he ungrateful for your help?
What ME time do you need besides showing up and during class?
YTA. You got what you wanted.
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u/farsighted451 11h ago
NTAH. Just tell him you need a few of the spaces to be just for you, so you can zone out and not think and talk. If he is half decent, he will understand and take a different Zumba class.
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u/Warm-Statistician545 11h ago
Ha, not sure I’ve ever heard of a person a little jelpuse of their partner. They sound like they are outgoing and people like him Easily.
Maybe you make longer tighter bonds? My friend is like that. He husband likes everyone and talks to evenly. Charming guy , really. He actually does not have any real Friends. Maybe one. He has a lot of very friendly acquaintances.
If not your husband, how Do you feel about yet another person that is similar to him in your class? Is this about him only? Is it about somethings you’re have trouble with or without him?
Outside those thoughts, I do personally like spaces that are just mine. That could be an exercise class. So in general, I don’t think it is odd to want something that’s just yours.
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u/OddRevolution7888 10h ago
NAH.
I get it. I love my hubs. He's such an extrovert. Within 10 mins hubs of anywhere, hubs will know the name of everyone in the room, be chatting away and find a way to make a shared story.
I am more of an introvert. Sometimes I get lost in his shadow. In 20+ years I have only asked a couple of times that he not step into my world, and he has respected those requests. I'll admit that he doesn't always get my request, but he does respect it.
Explain to hubs that while you loving sharing the gym and so many classes, you would very much appreciate having one or two classes that are just yours. It's OK to say that you are trying to build a friendship group and a peer-space, and you need space and time to do just that. I dunno your exact words, but something along those lines.
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u/Legolaslegs 10h ago
NAH. I do understand how him talking and being friendly could be distracting or make you feel obligated to also engage similarly. But you're different people. There's nothing wrong if he wants to be friendly. I'd rather have that than someone negative or someone who refuses to acknowledge anyone else.
How you two both operate is fine. It's okay if you want to have classes to yourself. Just communicate that nicely. He can go at a different time. It's normal to want space from someone, even if you love them dearly. It's also normal he is having fun and wants to join more with you. Neither of these are wrong.
Just talk to him. He's your husband, you should be able to have these conversations.
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u/likearevolutionx 7h ago
My partner is substantially more outgoing than me. I love it when he comes with me for activities, not because I need to spend every waking moment with him but because his ability to socialize with anyone at any given time takes a lot of that expectation off of me, allowing me to focus on whatever I want. You’re not wrong for wanting space but like, you’re coming off as if it’s more than that. Soft YTA.
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u/WhiskyWillFixIt 11h ago
So you suggested he take the classes and now youre mad he took the classes? Why do you need to be at the gym together at all? I would never work out with my husband.
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u/addicted2d2 9h ago
Why can't you do your own thing whether he's there or not? So if he's in a class with you, it's now ruined and you can't do your workout?
Grow up
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u/Chrizilla_ 11h ago
Yes YTA lol don’t get mad that your extrovert spouse is being an extrovert in a space YOU asked them to come to. Womp womp. Those classes are free to members so no. You don’t get to claim them either. You unleashed the friendly beast. Deal with it.
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u/buffalo66_ondvd 10h ago
NAH, you deserve some "you" time with classes that you can be incognito and just enjoy the work out. My husband is a social butterfly and makes friends everywhere he goes too. It can be quite annoying when I see someone I know in public and intentionally avoid them but yet husband is intentionally seeking them out! Have some fun classes with hubby then have a class here or there just for yourself.
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u/Kindly-Might-1879 10h ago
NTA. After 34 years of marriage, I so wish my husband would join just one thing with me that I initiated.
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u/Chilling_Storm 10h ago
NTA for wanting to have your own thing. BE HONEST with him, but do it in the most loving way possible. Honey I am so happy that you are enjoying your time at the gym, and that everyone adores you. You know how I am, and I don't light up a room quite the way you do, do you think that maybe I could have the Zumba just for me?
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u/thesmallwonder_83 10h ago
No AH's here on either side. Just let him know there are a couple of classes you'd like to be your own thing. He sounds like a good husband, I'm sure he'd understand.
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u/MajesticSea202 11h ago
Me and mine don't workout together. Its my time to work on me. Friends recently asked if we workout together, and I laughed out loud. Hell no!
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u/kacee1234 11h ago
Nah. He enjoys socializing, you say you’re there just to work out. You can both do your own thing, even in the same space. But it’s also perfectly acceptable to ask to have that class remain just yours
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u/kehlarc 10h ago edited 10h ago
He doesn't have to take the same Zumba classes as you. If your gym is anything like mine, there's at least 2 or more Zumba classes a day. I understand wanting to keep some of your space your own so I think it's fair for you to suggest that he refrains from taking a couple of your classes. The part that makes me think you're slightly Y.T.A is this:
"This began a small issue where my husband becomes the center of attention talking to everyone it’s kind of like he takes all of the air out of the room and there’s no air for me."
It sounds like your husband is outgoing and social, and since you're his partner, you feel like he's speaking for you as a couple. If that's the case, I suggest that you decouple yourself from him when you're in class. Go talk to people separately from him, work out away from him etc. It's not on him to regulate his outgoing nature to make you comfortable. And you're not obligated to be joined with him at the hip when you're in class.
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u/Silent-Condition-911 11h ago
I know what you mean. When my SO is around, I become invisible to everyone else. There are times I want an experience that allows me to, I don't know, be more me and less in his shadow? It doesn't mean I don't want to do things together, but I need some breathing space, too. He can be a lot, especially when he gets into entertainer mode.
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u/PukeLoynor 10h ago
But do you invite your SO into spaces where they weren't before and then get upset that they do what they do? Cause that's what this person is doing.
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u/Silent-Condition-911 8h ago
Not upset with him, per se, but frustrated with the situation at times. I think it's more the extrovert/introvert thing, but I definitely feel like I can be more relaxed without his energy at times.
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u/PukeLoynor 8h ago
That makes total sense but why would you invite him to something he wasn't originally interested in if you feel that way? That's what this person has done and it makes no sense.
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u/Chewyisthebest 25m ago
There are some folks who are like this. I have a great friend who is lovely one on one. In a group he needs to be leading the convo always
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u/WrongWangSorry 9h ago
So basically you feel uncomfortable with his charisma with strangers in a couples thing you suggested? Don't worry, I'm sure no gym chicks with incredible sculpted bodies will be involved in that (at a gym), you're fine!
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u/temperarian 11h ago
No, NAH. this doesn't have to be a big thing. Just be honest (in a simple, to-the-point, kind way), and tell him you need some workout time to yourself. He can do Zumba at a different time if he wants. And then let him shine like the social butterfly he is in the couple classes you do together.
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u/UrAntiChrist 10h ago
You asked him to take these classes with you, and are mad he is being himself?
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u/FunDisplay5741 10h ago
NAH, and if you don't want him in a class tell him. Also, stop pushing for him to join you in classes. Let him know that some classes are going to be you time, and if he is interested he can take the class at a different time.
He is who he is, and you know how things will go if you get him to join you. Don't act shocked when things happent the way they always happen.
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u/FromTheForestFox 10h ago
YTA, giving your friendly husband mixed signals. Do you want him to be in your classes or not?
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u/Effective-Advisor356 5h ago
YTA
You begged him to join and because he is friendly with others and outgoing you now don't want him to join.... so what's the right answer here for you personally because you can't have it both ways and I'd bet my bottom dollar if he refused to come you'd whine that he's not spending time with you
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u/Apart-Assumption2063 5h ago
I joined a kickboxing gym with my wife. I attended one class with her and that was it. We just never went at the same time after that.
For the exact reason that is being brought up on this thread
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u/Scarlet0Witch 5h ago
Not the asshole if you want to save a single thing for yourself, like Zumba. Just explain you want to do one thing for yourself by yourself.
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u/Fragrant-Garden9701 2h ago
NTA for wanting to have your own space. However the rest of the post reads like you’re an AH because it sounds like you’re mostly upset with the fact that he is social.
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u/Decent_Experience240 2h ago
TAH
So let me get this straight. You encouraged your husband to join these classes, and now you’re upset because he’s enjoying himself, making friends, and being social?
You describe him as taking all the air out of the room, but by your own admission, you’re reserved and don’t socialize much even when he’s not there. So how exactly is he preventing you from doing anything?
You’ve been married over 40 years, and your husband is staying active, enjoying new activities, and making friends. Those are good things.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting some activities to yourself. Just tell him you’d like a couple of classes to be your own thing. That’s a perfectly reasonable boundary.
But portraying your husband as somehow suffocating you simply because he’s outgoing and people enjoy talking to him seems incredibly petty.
And if setting up his equipment bothers you, stop doing it. He’s a grown man.
This sounds less like a husband problem and more like a communication problem you’ve turned into resentment.
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u/Big_Teez2020 1h ago
Jealous much. YTA. Im inviting you to a party at home but you can only talk to me. Someone needs to grow up.
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u/NeuroticFoxx 48m ago
You sound insecure and delusional like my ex-husband: "Boohoo, you're stealing my friends from me, they like you more than me because you have more free time!" - "I'm sorry, what? Also I might have more free time, but they work the same hours as you, so what's the point?". He also didn't understand that it's good when people like your partner instead of despising them. Insecurity BS.
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u/resident__researcher 11h ago
We belong to the same gym, but never go together. She does yoga and another circuit training class, and I do weights and machines on my own. I'd rather work on my own, but she says she needs structured classes. I went to yoga a few times with her, but being the only guy there, I felt like an intruder (even tho the yoga teacher is a good friend of ours). And I can't ever imagine myself taking a zumba class in a room of women--I feel that could make them self-conscious to be doing those moves with a man right behind them. So I'm thinking a) you're more the quiet type, and you may feel a little jealous at the attention he gets from other women, b) he doesn't have many good, deep relationships with other men, so this fills a need somehow, or c) he may suspect that there's someone at the gym that is paying too much attention to you, and he thinks (irrationally) needs to keep an eye on you . Anyway, I would gently mention, in a real low-key way, that she gets a vibe that some of the women may not be comfortable in an exercise setting that's not women-only.
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u/grifter_P01135809 11h ago
You have to stop being your husband's Mom. He can set up his own equipment and you don't have to babysit him.
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u/BookishIntrovert99 11h ago
I mean, it sounds like you’re jealous that he’s making friends and you’re not. If you want to make friends with people, just saying hi and making small talk for a minute or two before class starts won’t necessarily lead to anything. I get why you want your own space but if you want to make friends, you have to make more of an effort to talk to people there.
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u/Duke_Newcombe 8h ago
NAH.
Question: what is the instructor doing during these seemingly disruptive times? Is this buzz around your husband interrupting classes, or is it just annoying you?
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u/Culpable_Gulp 3h ago
NTA but why are you jealous of your partner being an extrovert... I get you like him and want to be around him, so why have a problem just because he's friendlier than you? YTA for saying that he "takes up all the air and there's none left for you. He's taking up only his share of air, there's plenty left for you. You've just decided that it isnt, and have blocked it off for yourself.
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u/Tiffany-Stubbs 11h ago
NTA for wanting your own space but honestly sounds like the real issue is him sucking all the oxygen out of the room. Just tell him you want zumba to be your thing
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u/DetroitsGoingToWin 6h ago
NTA.
The gym is my “me time”, I got music or a podcast going. I am 100% in my own little world.
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u/lovebeinganasshole 10h ago
Passive aggressive me says don’t show up until right at class time and don’t help him.
Straight forward me says just confront him “babe hey if you’re going to join X class I’m no longer setting up for you. However, as I’m sure you know some gym bunny upon seeing this will go out of her way to do it for him. NTA
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u/Psychological_Name28 10h ago
Does your husband follow you into these activities for a nefarious reason? Jealousy, possessiveness, suspicion? If not, YTA, not for wanting places of your own, but for not man managing your feelings better. Get some clarity and figure this out.
I had an old friend of many years and we were also friends on social media, he’s a good deal older than me, divorced, very engaged in life after early retirement. We interacted online in many discussions and shared some newer online friends. It was a great way to keep up cuz we lived hours apart. He was also friends with my husband but this friend and I were more active online than my husband. This old friend followed me into a group comprised of women mostly. Then it got weird. There were a few men in the group who seemed to use the group to express sexism and even misogyny. It was pretty weird and sometimes super shitty.
Then my friend began to do this. It was gradual, a few barbed comments here and there. Granted some of the women were assholes so it was understandable people would snipe back and forth. But then a pattern emerged where he was often snide and pissy toward women, including some of my friends. He then turned on me so I cut contact and blocked him. So If your husband isn’t any version of this, deal with it lovingly and respectfully.
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u/Equivalent_Lemon_319 11h ago
I mean NAH I think but it’s a little odd.
“Hey you should join me in this class! And this one!”
“Okay cool! Hey, how about I join-“
“JESUS H CHRIST YOU ARE SUFFOCCATING ME!”