r/AITAH • u/hellokittyblicky • 1d ago
AITAH for not wanting to watch over my autistic step sister
So this sounds pretty damn bad. But my dad (58M) asks me (20F) to take care of my autistic step sister (22F) every time I'm with them. I live alone, I moved out 3 months ago but I met my step sister 2 months ago. My dad had been remarried and she's his step daughter now. I help my dad out at his store whenever I'm not working and she's always there. I live 25 miles away from his shop and he asks me to drop her off home every time I leave which makes me take a detour. It takes me around 45 minutes to get home by car and 70 minutes when I drop her home. I've talked to my dad about this and he no longer makes me drive her home. But when I go grocery shopping after, he makes me take her with me and she's very socially unaware so she'll walk in front of random shopping carts as they're moving, peer into random cars, etc. She once peered into a womans car and I pulled her away and then I saw the car wasn't empty. Super awkward because the woman looked visibly confused.
I sympathize with her but she feels like a burden on me. I have a younger brother and I had to take care of him growing up and watch him and now he's making me help out with my older autistic step sister. She constantly talks about how she doesnt have a boyfriend and she doesnt have many friends (she's not the most attractive girl) and she always talks about how she's jealous of me and wants to be me so bad and it irks me whenever any girl says this to me. She talks poorly about other women (ex: "she's dressed like a sl*t!" or "her nose is really big!") but she'll never say anything bad about men she sees on TV and she'll start drooling over them. And I'm a girls girl so it irks me whenever women talk poorly about other women uncalled for. She doesn't know how to handle her dog, she'll keep him on a super tight leash and sometimes she'll grab him really hard and shaking him aggressively. I don't like when she kisses me or grabs my thigh either. Also because she quite literally makes out with her dog tongue and all. She also quite frankly smells really bad because she doesn't wear deodorant and theres always food in between her teeth. She makes messes in my car and starts touching everything in my car.
Anyways I think my step sisters a cool girl but she relies so heavily on the people around her. I'm not her parent I don't want to be watching her whenever I'm around her especially cause she's older. AITAH?
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u/AnnalidaMitzen 1d ago
NTA
Not your responsibility. Period.
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u/Boeing367-80 1d ago
Stop helping your dad out at his store. When he asks why, say it is not your role to take care of your step sister and he needs to find another solution.
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u/Rat-Bazturd 1d ago
in talking to the dad, I wouldn't even use the term "my step-sister". I'd say "your step-daughter". Don't make any references that make him subconsciously assume you're establishing/accepting responsibility.
He picked his new wife with her daughter that new wife already had. It's his problem, don't make it yours and don't let him make it yours either.
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u/PsychologicalFold506 1d ago
The wording helps reinforce the boundary, but the bigger issue is making sure he doesn’t shift the responsibility onto you just because you’re now part of the same family. His decision to remarry doesn’t automatically make you responsible for building a relationship with his wife’s daughter
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u/National_Big_3736 17h ago
It would be bad enough if you were 10. A whole different animal at 20+ and independent.
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u/backseat_adventurer 1d ago
Phrase it as 'she requires a level of care I am unable to provide'.
If asked, frame it as if you're terribly worried about her wellbeing and doing something wrong. Say that she needs someone able to explain things better than you can and know when to intervene and when not to. Explain that you'd absolutely hate if she misunderstood or got into trouble because of you. Or that something might happen when you thought she was okay for a moment.
Hold firm, OP!
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u/Tight-Shift5706 20h ago
She can indicate to her father that step-sister requires tending to by someone who is trained in caring for autistic adults.
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u/funnybenno 1d ago
This is the correct answer!
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u/AnnalidaMitzen 1d ago
Thank you.
Many parents eventually realize that caring for a disabled child can become another full-time job—one that, depending on the severity of the disability, can be incredibly demanding and overwhelming.
One of the saddest aspects, though, is the resentment, and sometimes even hatred, that can develop in siblings toward their disabled brother or sister. They grow up noticing the differences in how their parents treat each child, and those differences can leave deep emotional scars that last well into adulthood.
Ask me how I know? 😉
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u/Impressive_Yam_7224 1d ago
NTA , you need to be firmer in setting boundaries ! She’s not your responsibility
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u/surfinforthrills 1d ago
You don't live there. He can't "make" you do anything. People only take advantage of you with your permission. You are NTA, but you need to learn to leave when he tries to make her your responsibility. Because she's not.
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u/MistySky1999 1d ago
She is not truly your stepsister as you two were not raised together and do not live together. This person is the daughter of the woman your dad married after you were an adult. Where is dad's wife in all this?
I think you are letting yourself be taken advantage of. Is there a cultural factor here that makes you unwilling to tell your dad "nope!" when he asks this? Is he hoping you will somehow improve her or something?- cuz that's not your job.
NTA
Edit to add: For heaven's sake, do not agree to take on legal responsibility for her in your dad's will! That could be next.
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u/MovieLazy6576 1d ago
NTA. If you work for your Dad get a different job closer to where you live.
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u/Terrible-Park-9317 1d ago
Or a job further away so that going to help out at her dad’s store/babysit becomes unfeasible.
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u/hellokittyblicky 14h ago
Hi thanks for your comment. I work 35 hrs a week at my main job. I work at his place sometimes to help him out. He pays me a minimum wage for it.
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u/Catfactss 1d ago
"Hi Dad and StepMom. I'm no longer open to being alone with StepSister and/or providing any sort of caring capacity role. Whatever she did for support in the 22 years before she knew I existed - she'll need to keep doing that. Thanks for respecting this boundary." -via text so no ambiguity.
Always have your own transport.
Stop helping with the shop. Remove all opportunities for them to walk away and leave you with her.
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u/IT_Buyer 1d ago
NTA, she is not your responsibility and shame on your dad for this. Please unless he is paying all of your bills and you owe him something or can’t rock the boat, say no and mean it.
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u/Significant-Half-189 1d ago
This is what I was thinking, if Dad is covering all of OP’s bills, including gas, car maintenance, etc, asking her to give someone a lift isn’t the biggest return favor.
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u/MarionberryOk2874 1d ago
Well, OP also comes ‘to help in his store’ when she’s not working her normal job. Is she paid for this or just supported? Or doing it to be kind? We don’t know.
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u/IT_Buyer 1d ago
Yeah. Without that it is hard to say because if her normal job is 6 hours a week at the dispensary and she helps dad for 3 hours a week and he is paying all her bills, the dynamic is very different from a dutiful daughter working 40 hours a week at a tough job paying all of her own bills and then putting in 16 unpaid at dad’s store and then also watching her problematic and smelly step sister.
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u/hellokittyblicky 14h ago
Hi to answer your question I work 35 hours a week and he pays me a wage to help in his store in cash. I pay all my utility bills, gas, and rent. And my father didnt buy my car for me, I bought it out in cash by myself.
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u/IT_Buyer 14h ago
In that case you are very much NTA for telling him no you are not a babysitter. If you didn’t have the fun of making the baby you don’t have the responsibility of looking after it. This daughter is on her mother and the man who adopted (formally or by marriage) her to sort out. That’s the thing with kids, when you have one you accept they may be disabled and require long term care. That is part of the gamble. Not something to just pawn off on other unpaid people.
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u/MarionberryOk2874 1d ago
‘Dad, I don’t want to take her with me anymore, and if you don’t stop asking I will stop coming to help in your store.’
You’re an independent adult, time to find your voice. NTA
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u/Nervous-Tea-7074 19h ago
NTA- my concern is he’s training you up to be her full time carer for when he and his wife wanna retire.
I would stop helping at his store and avoid him for a while, least till he finds someone else to care for her.
On a side note, I would honestly report her to animal services, even if it’s a service dog, she’s being cruel and disgusting.
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u/Maine302 1d ago
Your father's wife is responsible for her daughter, not you. I'd be looking to find another job and minimize the time I need to spend in their sphere. NTA
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u/Glass_Hunt_7159 1d ago
You may need to make yourself scare at your dad's shop, meaning stop working there. If he asks you why then be straight with him and tell him you are not the girls babysitter and she is not your problem.
Let him know you do not want the responsibility of someone else's child...btw, where is the girls mother? Why is your dad taking care of her or hanging out with her so much?
The mom needs to take responsibility for her child and your dad should not be shoving this on you. Speak up or stop going over...
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u/Foundation_Wrong 21h ago
Your parents use you as childcare. Parentification is a thing, and puts a burden on the one providing the care. Stop helping in his shop, point out that his step daughter needs care from people who are trained in autism care. Stop letting them take advantage of you. They’ve trained you for years, so it’s hard to break the pattern. Good luck.
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u/creatively_inclined 1d ago
NTA. You are not responsible for your stepsister. This is between your dad and his wife.
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u/Mera1506 20h ago
NTA. Question, was she diagnosed with autism? Sounds to me like her mom used autism(officially or self diagnosed) as an excuse to not correct strange behavior and teach coping skills to her daughter.
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u/hellokittyblicky 14h ago
Her mother didn't get her diagnosed because she was scared to know the actual answer. I told my father to go get her diagnosed because she's visibly autistic. I've been around autistic people from different spectrums and shes no different.
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u/Mera1506 13h ago
So mom used it as an excuse to not really parent a d as a result she's much less capable of dealing with the real world than she should be.
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u/inko75 1d ago
Just stop helping at the store. Distance yourself overall.
Where are you from (country)? This all sounds ick to me. Nta regardless
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u/hellokittyblicky 14h ago
Hi I'm korean american, my dad is from Jongro Seoul korea. Family is everything to us and you know how immigrant korean parents can be.
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u/Senator_Bink 1d ago
NTA. Your dad signed up for this, you didn't. You've moved out. They're going to have to find another babysitter.
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u/silkvelvet4 1d ago
NTA
Your father is an idiot who doesn't realise he's being used by his new wife who is probably loving the new freedom she has now she has a dupe (and hisndaughter) to take over.
Ask him why his new wife married him.... love or for another carer for her daughter. If the latter, the giggity must be earth shattering.
Then say, HE married into the responsibility. YOU didn't and you won't be helping with her in future. His marriage, his problem.
You were parentified once with your brother, don't let it happen.
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u/dembowthennow 1d ago
NTA. Your father doesn't want to have to deal with her, so he's foisting her off on you. This isn't your responsibility. She's only technically your step-sister. At this age, and having only known her for two months, she is your dad's wife's daughter. She is their responsibility, not yours. Just politely say no and refuse to budge. If they push you on it, just explain that she needs more care and supervision than you can safely provide and refuse to keep engaging in the conversation.
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u/killjoygrr 1d ago
NTA, but you are aren’t very self aware and may be kind of oblivious.
On self aware, the bulk of your post is about how horrible this girl is in all these different ways until the next to the last sentence where you say that you think she is a cool girl. Honestly, that last comment doesn’t fit with the rest of your post at all.
On oblivious, she’s autistic, but you seem to be missing a lot of clues. For the first half of your post I was thinking she was non verbal until you relayed what she said. A lot of those things sound like asking for advice, but that may not be the case because subtlety isn’t a big thing with autism. A lot of her issues may well be things she is unaware of and no one has ever told her. If you do think she is a cool girl, help her out by telling her when she is doing things. Tell her that she needs to use deodorant. Tell her that she needs to brush her teeth. Let her know that not doing those things are barriers to her getting a boyfriend. Get her a book on dog training.
You don’t have to do any of that, but the whole wanting to be like you does seem to be hoping for your help on some of that. Or ask if that is what she means, or if she wants you to let her know about all the social cues she is missing.
If you hate this girl, just distance yourself. If you think she is a cool girl and some of her more autistic quirks are driving you nuts, see if she would accept your advice.
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u/hellokittyblicky 14h ago
I tried to help her before, she gets really defensive when I tell her anything.
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u/PhotographOne4290 1d ago
She has a Mother that should be looking after her. Stop going to your Dad's or learn to say no.
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u/userannon720 16h ago
Nta Where is the child's mother?
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u/hellokittyblicky 14h ago
She works at a bank and works long hours so my dad takes her to his shop everyday.
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u/inturnaround 1d ago
NTA, but you didn't need to go into detail on why you don't like her. She's a woman with special needs and you do not have the bandwidth or interest in being her carer. That's fine. It's not your obligation to do so.
I'd just tell your father that you love him and are glad he's happy with his new family, but that you absolutely cannot care for his stepdaughter. End of discussion.
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u/NikWitchLEO 1d ago
She’s a woman with special needs who’s allowed to basically be a wild animal. No sympathy. The sis shouldn’t be allowed in public with normal people if they can’t control themselves or scare other people.
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u/EclecticEvergreen 1d ago
Exactly, she needs to learn how to behave in society and her being autistic is not an excuse to act however she wants without consequence. This is just bad parenting.
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u/SSDD_FML 1d ago
you are a grown adult, he cant make you do anything unless he is subsidising you financially. she isnt your stepsister, he only recently married her mother, you weren't raised together, shes his wife's adult daughter.
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u/Intelligent-Mall3843 1d ago
NTA: but have you expressed this to her? I’m Autistic and many times we don’t understand the nuance of a situation until it’s explained to us. I’m not at her level of support needs. But sometimes we just want to understand and people can be dismissive as to why something isn’t appropriate.
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u/hellokittyblicky 4h ago
I express somethings to her like how it's not ok to grab the dog and shake him around violently. Whenever it comes to me, I didn't. She has no friends, no boyfriend, and she believes nobody likes her. So I feel bad for her. And anytime someone tries to correct her she thinks they automatically don't like her. So she breaks down eventually. She's also told me she just wants me to like her and I'm her best friend. So I'd feel bad. I don't know what to do. She idolizes me like crazy and it drives me nuts because she's so affectionate and I've never been affectionate, even when I was a baby so it gets me uncomfortable, even when other people are overly affectionate. My dad has told me she's lashed out at my dad and her mother because they corrected her sometimes. She starts screaming on the top of her lungs and throws stuff and says shes going to k*ll herself and that nobody likes her so they most likely both walk on eggshells.
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u/Wonderful_Bottle_852 1d ago
NTA
Not your responsibility. Stop helping at your dad’s store, too. You have your own life.
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u/throwaway-55555556 1d ago
NTA. Ask your dad why his new wife's kid is your problem. Ask why she isn't arranging care for her, and is pushing her off on him, and why he feels it's ok to force you into the role.
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u/Magzz521 1d ago
NAH: It’s obvious, you are a good daughter, trying to help your Dad out on your days off but it’s now time to find something else to do on your days off. That will solve your problem without causing a rift with your Dad.
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u/2mankyhookers 1d ago
NTA you've known this girl two months , she's not your stepsister, she's your dad's responsibility
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u/JadieJang 1d ago
Just tell your dad no. He can't "force you" to take her anywhere. You're an adult.
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u/kellyelise515 1d ago
Tell your dad you won’t stop and help if he continues to do this. Tell him how much you resented being your brother’s parent and how you absolutely do not want to parent another adult. You’re going to have to spell it out. Stick to your boundaries.
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u/bopperbopper 1d ago
“Dad, you need to find a more ongoing program for her or respite care. I understand you made the choice to marry someone who has a special needs child but I made no such choice. She’s an essentially a stranger to me.”
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u/cleo_delta 1d ago
NTA. Having to parent your sibling growing up only to be handed adult caregiving duties for a brand new step sister is entirely unfair to you.
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u/Trick-Being1539 1d ago
NTA
She sounds like she’s quite high on the spectrum and possibly has developmental delays also
Obviously she deserves love, care and patience but not necessarily yours. Your parents have just got married , you are not siblings and you’ve not been raised together
Your only responsibility to her is to be kind when you’re in her company, you have no responsibility to take on a care role in any way
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u/Proper_Strategy_6663 1d ago
NTA but stop helping your dad, anything that makes it possible for him to put her in your responsibility should be stopped asap.
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u/Sea-Tea8982 1d ago
NTA. Dad is taking advantage of you. You might try to learn a little more about autism since your stepsister will probably be around. A lot of your complaints about her sound like typical autistic behavior. Maybe if you try to learn how she thinks and processes things she won’t bug you as much.
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u/Theotherone56 1d ago
NTA. You say she's a cool girl but then describe all the things you hate about her. It sounds like you don't want to be around her, much less take care of her. She doesn't respect boundaries, judges people like a grandma (sl*t, big nose; stuff most don't care about these days but grandmas do) and treats animals bad (abusive might be a stretch depending on if what you said is the worst of it, but if it's worse, then she probably shouldn't have an animal). She physically touches you in ways you dislike and wasn't taught or given enough support (one or the other) for good hygiene.
These things are failings of her parents but are her responsibility (probably). Is she legally dependent on her parents still, or just living with them? If she's got a disability severe enough, then her mom may still have legal control over her life situation. In which case, she needs to be teaching her these things and should be brought up to her (through your dad, not you directly). If she's not, then she's an adult who can learn.
I get so upset when people don't understand that disability doesn't mean utterly incapable. It only means there are life limitations and difficulties that most others don't have. Even if learning is slow and takes more time and effort, it doesn't mean learning is impossible and everyone has to let someone beat on them (or whatever the behavior) because they "don't know any better." My thing is, if they don't know any better, then teach them better.
Here's what I would do. I would first talk to your dad about your boundaries and shut that shit down. Then I would talk with your step sister about your boundaries.
No shaming, judging or name calling (explain and give examples) at any time or about anyone. It doesn't matter if they know or not, it's mean and you know when she tells you. So someone is witnessing this awful behavior.
No touching me in ways I don't want. List specifically what that means and how she can ask for consent for a hug or something. But make it clear that you will physically remove her from you and repeat your boundary if she does it without consent. And that even if she asks, it doesn't mean you'll automatically say yes. You will never want kisses (if that's the case) and no amount of asking will change what I want. You can't force what you want onto me (follow this same statement about anything she does).
No peaking in someone's car, always look both ways where you're walking, and think about the people around her. Only say this one if you are still going to end up going anywhere with her for any reason.
Then explain that if she does these things to you (maybe assign an amount so she's counting how often she crosses these lines), that you won't hang out with her again except at holidays (or whatever family get togethers where this is impossible to avoid). She can earn trust back by respecting your boundaries when you have to see her at those gatherings. Otherwise, you'll avoid her there too.
Then, if she is at all open and not having a freak out over you asserting your boundaries, perhaps you can bring up hygiene and animal handling. This has nothing to do with boundaries or you. This should be framed and thought as some things you simply want to make sure she's aware of in case no one taught her.
If you choose to approach these subjects, I'd do so carefully. Before making random suggestions, make sure to ask what she needs help with. Maybe she knows all the hygiene stuff, but she needs tips on how to do so consistently or how to get over the sensory stuff. Or tools to make it easier and more achievable. If you aren't sure, simply look it up with her and show her how to find what she needs.
As for the dog, tell her that she's rough. Be straight with her and say that you have to be gentle, that she's and adult and he's a dog, which means size matters and we have to be mindful of how we handle other living creatures. Explain some dog etiquette and give some videos she can watch (a trainer is probably too much to afford but idk).
I'd only add these if she's actually open to feedback. She might be melting down over the first half. Whatever you do, be clear about what you want from her. If you want to be close, indicate what it takes to do so. If you don't want anything to do with her, it's more kind to be straight forward in the most gentle way possible. But don't string her along if you aren't actually interested in being around her. Attachments and habits are strong for autism. If you're going to break the attachment, make sure your habits reflect that. Don't do it out of obligation because once you've made a habit around helping her, those are hard to suddenly take away. Take it away fully and don't go back and forth. If you want a relationship with her, reduce it to your comfort level and maintain that firmly. Now that you've allowed her to kiss or touch you, not allowing her could be really hard to stop (unless you're physically absent). So you have to stay firm. If you waver, she will keep pushing it until the boundary is gone. Do not go back even for a second on whatever you choose.
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u/anhedoniandonair 1d ago
NTA. She’s your step sister that you’ve just met. She’s not your kid. She’s not your responsibility.
She’s open mouth kissing the dog— I don’t want to go there, but any chance she’s abusing the dog in other ways that might need to be reported to authorities?
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u/hellokittyblicky 14h ago
I would like to do something about their dog. In reality it's my dads dog and she's done stupid shit with the dog in my car and I've told her to stop grabbing the dog like that and shaking him around. I'm also autistic but I'm lower on the spectrum so I didn't need that much aide growing up. But she's like a bit worse. I told my dad about her behavior and I told him he needs to correct her but him and his wife are too soft on her. And i genuinely think she does this gross shit because she never had a boyfriend. She also just lets the dog hump her and I tell her to not let him do that. And dogs only hump people when they let them. He's never in his life tried to hump me because he knows I don't play. If I called the authorities for the dog my dad would be distraught so I have no clue on what to do here.
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u/wtf-idk-rofl 5h ago
Why isn’t the damn dog neutered? Jesus.
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u/hellokittyblicky 4h ago
I told my dad to neuter him. My dad said he doesn't want to get him neutered because he believes it'll cause health issues.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 1d ago
Not your kid, not your problem. Tell your dad he signed up to be a parent to her, you did not
I suspect he’s hoping you’ll take over her care once her mother no longer can down the road. Or they’re hoping to dump her off on your in the future because “you two get along so well”
Stop helping out at your dad’s store and if he asks you to pick her up/drop her off tell him “no I can’t do that” and when he asks why? “Because I said no” and change the subject/walk away
Is these types of situations you don’t want to JADE
JUSTIFY
ARGUE
DEFEND
EXPLAIN
when you JADE you just open yourself up to being brow-beaten into submission. Just simply state “I will not be doing that” and walk away
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u/Wat3rM3L0NB3AR 1d ago
you step-sister judges women like my ex - I always knew there was something odd about her lol
NTA but you can help with steering the ship though and be a good influence. I have an older sister that's 10 years older than me and I took on some of her personality traits but she showed me a few things like how to take care of my skin and introduced me to music.
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u/drako_86 1d ago
Nta. She is not your child. You moved out to get away from your parents. If they don't want her anymore they will have to give her up to an adult facility
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u/hiswife21 1d ago
Nta, not your responsibility. Although if you're a girls girl, you can be blunt with her and tell her all that you told us. You don't have to be cruel, but people with autism have to be told directly. You don't have to be her sister, she doesn't have to be your responsibility, but you can be a friend to an extent.
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u/BlueSkyMourning 1d ago
Where's her mom? Your dad married into this situation not you. If you're working for your dad get another job.
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u/HZLeyedValkyrie 1d ago
What was her mom and family doing with her before you met her? NTA and not your problem sis.
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u/floating2019 1d ago
NTA for not wanting to watch her and help with her but you most certainly are an ah for bringing up her looks etc
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u/cassowary32 1d ago
NTA. Who was taking care of her before your dad got married?? It's not your responsibility!
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u/Witty_Candle_3448 1d ago
Just tell your dad; Dad, I love you but I'm not equipped to watched your step daughter. I really don't know how to handle her grabbing me, saying inappropriate things loudly in public, and being cruel to her dog at home. I want to be with you but I can't supervise your step daughter.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 1d ago
NTA. Do you have to help your dad out at his store? Is he paying you? If you got another job could you just stop going there? You don't live with them, you have to obligation to take care of any of your dad's responsibilities. Say no. Get away from them. Take the dog.
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u/YesImReallyLikeThis 20h ago
NTA. You know he’s outsourcing her care to you so he doesn’t have to do it right?
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u/fallensongbird 1d ago
Having this responsibility dumped on you when you're a free living adult is not cool. NTA. Also you could call adult family services and report her 58 yr old dad
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u/Legolaslegs 1d ago
Two things here: No, you're not the AH for not wanting to watch over your step sister. You're an adult capable of independence. Tell your dad no. It may mean you stop working with him until he figures out other arrangements for his step daughter.
You said:
Anyways I think my step sisters a cool girl but she relies so heavily on the people around her.
You do realize autism is a spectrum, right? Meaning, she might need more help from other people? She might not be taking care of herself and behaving this way because she could mentally be younger.
Second thing is: You're not a girls girl. The way you talk about her really makes you unlikable. I'm not saying you have to condone or excuse her behavior. No, you should be holding her accountable if he is capable of being held accountable. More-so, you should be holding your father accountable. You said she wishes to be you and you hate when girls say this stuff to you, but then you claim to be a girls girl and call her 'unattractive' and that's why she doesn't have a boyfriend. In reality, someone might find her attractive. But because she doesn't meet your standards or conventional standards maybe, you put her down in this post.
She isn't your responsibility. Tell your dad that and move on with it. You moved out, live your life and create some distance if you dislike her so much. Because honestly, at some point, your dislike of her will be noticed. Or you'll slip up and be mean. She's clearly not receiving the proper care from your dad and step mom but instead of blaming them, you write a post about how gross you think she is. Tbh, I think you shouldn't be around her just because you sound like a mean person who is so unaware of yourself.
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u/hellokittyblicky 14h ago
Hi. Thanks for your comment. Yes I do realize autism is a spectrum, she is mentally younger. She idolizes me so much and it's crazy to me. But someone should've taught her different things while growing up, my point being, I'm not a teacher and not fit to be one. She's not my responsibility. Second, I'd like to say I am a girls girl but when it comes to women putting down other women, yes I will also call them just as ugly. Not even that, it's not wrong for me to put that out there. She's insecure and she puts down other women everytime. Someone needs to humble her. Doesn't mean I'll be the one to since I won't call her ugly straight to her face cause she'll be upset. She was skinny and not so hard to look at before but she lost herself since her mom stopped dressing her up and stopped watching over her. Not necessarily my step sisters fault but she constantly talks so badly about women who are yes much more conventionally attractive. I wouldn't be so mean uncalled for. Thats not wrong. And yes mouth kissing your dog is gross, agreed?
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u/Legolaslegs 13h ago
You're listing points as if I wrote a comment that disagreed with them. All those points I was on your side with in the post. I said she should be held accountable (if she is mentally capable), I said her parents have not and are not teaching her correctly, and I said it isn't your responsibility. And I said being a girls girl does include calling out your fellow girlies. I never said you were wrong. I said a couple times you're in the right. I find it interesting what you decided to focus on in response.
Here's where my issue is in this: you said someone needs to humble her. No, that's being cruel. Especially if she doesn't understand what she is doing. You're leading with the belief she does know and intentionally is acting cruel or gross to others (women, men, animals, herself). What she needs is to be taught. And no, it shouldn't be you because it's not your responsibility. It also shouldn't be you because you seem ignorant on autism and assume she shluld know better. You don't humble someone who doesn't know better, you educate them. This is where her parents are failing her.
Idk if it's just poor wording from you, but you keep picking words or phrases that imply something other than what you mean. Humbling a bully who you've told to stop is different from bullying an autistic person who you state is mentally young and whose mother (parents in general) aren't properly caring for her.
You can hone in again and think I'm against you if you want. I'm not. I said it explicitly I was on your side. I also think you have a skewed perception of your step sister, of what being a girls girl means, and that's what I called out. Be upset if you want and ignore thr criticism you asked for when you made this post, though.
I hope things gets better.
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u/gimpy1511 1d ago
You're a girl's girl, yet you describe this girl, yet call her not the most attractive. Yuck. You are not a girl's girl, my friend. And you should just tell your dad that his stepdaughter is not your responsibility.
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u/hellokittyblicky 14h ago
Not my fault when all she does is put down pretty women because shes insecure. She's ugly inside and out. Period.
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u/BookishIntrovert99 1d ago
NTA but at the very least you should teach her how to handle her dog more gently. Otherwise one day that dog might snap and bite her or worse.
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u/Available-Taste8822 1d ago
NTA, just whenever you’re leaving from visiting your dad, let him know you have plans to do A.B.C etc, make yourself unavailable.
Remind your dad you are there to visit him and these things are taking away from your quality time with your dad.
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u/NikWitchLEO 1d ago
NTA. I won’t speak on your sister because her behavior and the failure of her parents will show what a true asshole I can be. I will say that I hope someone sees her treat her dog like she does and animal control gets involved.
Your sis is not your responsibility. I’d make it known to your father about what your boundaries are with her now before he starts expecting more.
I have a feeling he’s going to expect you to be her caregiver.
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u/CombatCrayon25 1d ago
NTA
She’s not your responsibility, she’s her mother’s. If you want to hang out with her socially that’s one thing, but your dad is wrong for volunteering your time without asking.
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u/moreKEYTAR 1d ago
You are not your dad’s life partner. He has made you into a mommy for his kids. Enough is enough. Stop. You are probably so used to the dynamic it will be hard to stop. He clearly is making the life choices he does because he knows he can guilt you into being a parent doe him. YOU did not marry the stepsister’s parent, and YOU did not start a business that needs extra unpaid hands. Stop coddling your adult father and start redefining your relationship; go back to you being the child and him being a parent.
NTA.
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u/hellokittyblicky 3h ago
Thank you. But I did not mention I do get paid minimum wage at his store to help out. I do it just for extra cash in my pocket. But he told me once "these are the cards you've been dealt with and you need to play with these cards". Which is kinda messed up. I'm not even sure how to say to the girl that I don't want to be around her. She always cries to my dad and her mom about how nobody likes her and no boys like her. And she tells me about how she wants me to like her so bad because she has nobody else. So it's not more about my dad, I feel bad for this girl even though I don't like her. My dad told me she throws full blown tantrums once a month and screams on the top of her lungs and throws stuff and kicks around at night saying "I'm going to k-ll myself!!! Nobody likes me!!!!". So the situation is complicated and I have no clue on what to do.
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u/Leading-Seesaw-8442 1d ago
NTA. You have no obligation to this stranger who has made all of your interactions miserable
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u/Deepinthought1721 1d ago
You need to tell your dad that you are not qualified for this. She needs a professional at this point based on her behavior. People say you listed all these things that you don’t like about her but what I hear is tgst she is missing skills that should have been taught already by her mom. Also she can’t “admire” you as people are saying because she just met you. There are schools out there for people with autism to help them learn everyday skills and hygiene so they can be by themselves. I think she needs to get professional help. It sounds like her mom just let her be growing up and didn’t bother. Look into some schools and give your dad the info or find what program in your system deals with autism. Once you find a program they will have alot of resources. This girl really needs to learn to take care of herself and get a job for when there is no one to take care of her. Occupational Therapy. You are NTA at all but she needs professional help and you dad needs to know this. That could be “you’re helping out”. Find the help she needs to integrate into society.
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u/Recent_Neck_1462 1d ago
She is a high care autistic person. None of the things she says or does are her fault. But she’s not your responsibility. If he’s not paying your bills, stop going there.
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u/Objective-Pound2185 1d ago
NTA. This person is not your responsibility. Full Stop. The only thing that sounds bad here is how your father is trying to foist this off on you. Start saying No. If that means literally turning around and walking back out of the house to enforce the No, do it. Stop helping at the store. Make your presence contingent on someone else being there to care for your step sister and be prepared to leave the second any attempt is made to put the onus to care for her onto you.
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u/polynomialpurebred 1d ago
NTA. Your bonding relies on you being peers / friendly and you will only ever resent her, &/or your dad and stepmom, if she becomes a chore for you.
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u/LordPaleskin 1d ago
Got 2 sentences in and I am already on the NTA. You aren't responsible for something like that after knowing them for 2 months lmao
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u/Hefty_Equal1676 1d ago
NTA - you’re a grown up….so don’t hang with her. She sounds exhausting….not your job to teach her….GTFU and say no…it’s not that hard
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u/zeugma888 1d ago
NTA It might be easiest to be busy elsewhere. Can you take more hours (or change hours) at your current work? Or develop some hobbies, so that you just aren't available to help her? At least not as often.
Your father isn't being fair to you. Remember - you don't have to answer your phone when it rings. You don't have to agree when you are asked for help. You have every right to a life of your own.
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u/SeaworthinessDue8650 1d ago
NTA
Tell your father that you love him, but you didn't sign up for taking care of his new stepdaughter. She is not your responsibility.
You need to stop going over to help him for a week or two. If you keep going over and bring forced to help with his stepdaughter this will become the new normal.
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u/dinahdog 1d ago
NTAH. You met her 2 months ago. You are not family. Just say no. Dad is being the ass.
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u/Different-Airline672 23h ago
NTA, but your dad does not make you do anything. You decide to go along with this, you can decide to stop. I think it would do your stepsister good, if you sat her down and pointed out everything you have written about here. No need to soften it. With the way she is talking about other people, she should not mind if someone is brutally honest with her. List off everything and explain why her behaviour is bad and the reason you don't want to be responsible for her.
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u/DynkoFromTheNorth 22h ago
Please put your foot down and tell your dad you won't take on this responsibility. NTA. This should be your hill to die on.
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u/AGirlHasNoUsername13 22h ago
NTA.
Not your monkeys, not your circus. She isn’t even a blood relative, and you only met her two months ago? Time to set boundaries with Dad.
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u/WarDog1983 21h ago
NYsh make boundries abd jsut tell your dad no shes not your kid and your not a babysitter
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u/AutomaticTap310 21h ago
I am wondering how your Dad “makes” you do anything. You have a job away from him and your own place. Either stop working at his store or lay a simple boundary-“I am not taking her anywhere unless I choose to. I am not her parent and she is not my responsibility”. NTA but stop being a doormat.
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u/Weekly-Argument- 21h ago
You were out of the house before you even met her. It’s not your job to babysit some random adult.
Tell him to watch his own damn (step)kids. Where is the mother? Why didn’t she teach her child basic hygiene and normal boundaries?
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u/Hairymuscle101 21h ago
He chose to marry a woman with an autistic child, not you! You need to get out of their married life you didn’t sign up for! NTA
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u/anathema__device 21h ago
Does your dad have some sort of financial or other coercive leverage over you? If not, and particularly if you are truly HELPING him at his store ie you are not benefiting from this, just tell him that you will no longer be taking any responsibility for his stepdaughter and if he doesn’t stop asking, you will no longer be able to help him at his store, because you can’t risk being stuck with her.
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u/NamasteNoodle 19h ago
He's just using you as a caregiver because he doesn't want to do it. It's not your responsibility. You just have to say no. Over and over until he gets it.
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u/Stock-Mountain-6063 19h ago
2 months of knowledge is not a lot for you to be responsible for this woman. It's not your job. Tell your father it's not your job. It's your stepmother's job. Let her do the work. There are a lot of programs where autistic people can go for the day and work and make money or educate themselves just like everyone else and doesn't have to be kept with your parents all day long. She's not an infant, unless her autism is to the extreme she can be educated and employed and able to be an independent adult. Stop coddling her
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u/Murky_Employee5589 17h ago
NTA, and if it helps, stop thinking about her as your stepsister and think about her as the daughter of your fathers wife. You met in your 20s, not as children, and you barely know her.
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u/Just_Asking21 16h ago
NTA this seems Iike a lot for someone you met 3 months ago. I'd talk to my dad and tell him this is too much babysitting to develop a relationship with her, and this is going to lead to resentment or avoidance.
I know the scale varies and maybe I'm not doing it correctly but I always tell them "Hey you can't do that because XYZ" usually I explain that it makes people worry or get upset and they usually understand that and now stopped looking into cars or grabbing things out of someone's cart. Again, I don't know what I'm doing and I don't have nearly as much interaction as you do. I just feel like maybe they don't understand sometimes and nobody explained that except a parent and nobody listens/believes their parent LOL
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u/Xylorgos 16h ago
Where is the girl's mother in all this? Why isn't she watching her own child? What did she do about her daughter's needs before your dad and you came along?
There's a difference between you helping out someone you grew up with and already have a good relationship with on one hand, and you suddenly being pushed to do something that's really difficult with someone you don't even know that well on the other.
NTA There are other ways to manage your step sister's needs instead of foisting it onto you!
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u/SatelliteBeach123 16h ago
NTA. You're 20 years old and no longer live at home. He can't "make" you do anything.
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u/Skarvha 15h ago
NTA You know your father can't make you do anything right? You can say no.... Start exercising your boundaries or this will continue. How long do you think it will be until he makes you take her overnight? Have you asked their plan for when they die? Do they expect you to be her permanent live in caregiver?
SET YOUR BOUNDARIES NOW!!!!!!!
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u/yogawithkats 14h ago
NTA. They can't MAKE you do anything. She is not your responsibility or your burden. You don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to do.
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u/Psychological_Mix594 14h ago
This person needs ABA. You can’t do it. Tell your dad he is not helping her by giving her babysitters. She deserves to make the most of her life. If she already has ABA, and this is a person you would like to get to know, ask to be present at a session or with her evaluator and discuss your desire to get to know your step sister while maintaining your boundaries. They will have concrete advice.
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u/offroadadv 10h ago
Frankly, I wouldn't drive anyone, anywhere, if they were grabbing my thigh; and exhibiting the other behaviors you describe.
NTA
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u/Mayako_Swan2308 10h ago
NTA. Not your child; not your problem. As "cruel" as some people may view it, it's not your responsibility to watch her if you don't want to.
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u/Valkyrie_Rose99 7h ago
Hold up, kisses you like 'quick peck on the cheek' kisses or... also why does she grab your thigh? Thats super off even for most autistic people, majority I've met don't like physical contact at all.
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u/FancyLadyGettingFine 6h ago
Your dad is wrong to push her on you. Where is her bio dad and his family? They need to be helping out with her too. NTA
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u/Awkward-Bother1449 5h ago
NTA - This woman is nothing to you, step something. But not your sister, half sister, cousin, or cousin 4x removed. Get a spine and tell your dad NO. You won't be she chauffeur, nanny or baby sitter.
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u/black_dragonfly13 1d ago
NTA for not wanting to take care of your stepsister. However, you are definitely not a girls girl with the way you talk about her...
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u/NikWitchLEO 1d ago
Being a girls girl doesn’t mean you blatantly support her nonsense. You don’t have to condone bad behavior from any woman. Girls girl correct the behavior and keep it real.
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u/Recent_Neck_1462 1d ago
Her nonsense is because she’s a pretty profoundly autistic person. She sounds like she needs to be in a group home. If the parents want to keep taking care of her , fine good. But pawning her off on an untrained relative with no experience is dangerous. It has nothing to do with her sex. She’s mentally impaired. I’ve worked in group homes as a nurse. That’s what they say and do.
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u/SlovenlyElephantSeal 19h ago
Our comments have nothing to do with condoning nonsense and everything to do with the fact that she's taking cheap shots at an autistic girl's appearance and smell after claiming she doesn't like women slagging off other women.
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u/SlovenlyElephantSeal 1d ago
I agree. "it irks me whenever women talk poorly about other women uncalled for" while telling us she's ugly and she smells.
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u/black_dragonfly13 1d ago
This exactly. I get that she doesn't like her stepsister, and that's fine. But taking shots at her appearance isn't okay.
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u/hellokittyblicky 14h ago
She puts down other women. She's ugly inside and out. Do you want me to say she smells like daisies and looks like Madison Beer?
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u/SlovenlyElephantSeal 14h ago
The right thing to do would be to not comment on her appearance at all. If she's ugly inside and out because she puts down other women, doesn't the same logic apply to you?
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u/hellokittyblicky 3h ago
Your right. In a sense. Honestly if they have the balls to be commenting on other women, they're just as bad as men commenting on women. So if they hate like a man women have to stick together duh. I had nothing bad to say about her til she started showing shes deeply insecure.
But in your logic I guess Im pretty on the outside rotten on the inside!
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u/Impossible-Quail-711 22h ago
Apparently girls girl = ablest mean girl
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u/hellokittyblicky 3h ago
Nobody wants to be around a person who radiates negative energy. And nobody wants to be around someone who smells bad. I was once running errands with her and we were in a supermarket. On the top of her lungs she started screaming "I don't give a f-ck if Im screaming in a supermarket!!!" I told her to stop it and she was like "i'm yelling in a supermarket!!! i'm yelling in a supermarket!!! i don't give a f-ck!!!" I don't think you'd want to be embarrassed like that either.
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u/rctid12345 1d ago
NTA.
Seems like your dad is hoping you can be a positive influence in her life and hasn't communicated that to you, or not well anyway.
I'm sorry. It's a lot of pressure, I totally understand. I have a parent who often tries to fix things for others but it usually just comes out as "you should do this with so and so and teach them to X". Which of course moves the burden away from them.
I haven't found the easy fix. So far it takes communication and gentle honesty. "I don't have time for X." "I don't think I actually can teach X."
It sounds like your step sister admires you, and she's now in your dad's life full time. This isn't going to go away. If I were in your shoes I would try to find the balance my mental health needs and still make an effort to engage with her and help her grow as a person. Her growth might be different from what you would expect, autism has a lot of variables so with the right skills she could become independent and take care of herself.
This is probably what your dad is hoping for but cannot voice.
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u/bigbookreader7552 1d ago
NTA. But you say she speaks badly about other women and you’re a girls girl, but then you say she’s not attractive. So you’re essentially doing the same thing.
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u/lpratafe 1d ago
YTA. It takes a village type shit
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u/Jigglypuffs_quiff 1d ago
NTA for not wanting to take care of your sister
TA for implying girls tell you they want to be you all the time
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u/hellokittyblicky 14h ago
I've had a stalker girl in highschool who copied every single thing I did. Clothes, hair styles, copied videos of mine in chronological order. Decided to seduce my bf at the time. Made fake accounts to follow me and keep notes on me. Yes, I can say people were batshit insane and no I am not all that but insecure people who havent found themselves yet tend to take after me.
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u/baby_bat_47 1d ago
NTA, you've only known her for two months?? On top of her 1000% not being your responsibility, if she is high care needs, then I think it's really irresponsible of your dad to ask someone she doesn't know and who doesn't have the experience necessary to actually watch her. If she isn't high care needs, your dad is an ableist on top of being an asshole