r/AITAH • u/Slight-Confection-73 • 2d ago
AITAH for sending a video of my foster parent yelling at the other foster kids to my lawyer?
Hey all! This will probably be my last post about my foster parents. I know I'm probably getting annoying at this point, seeing as I make a post about once a year about them, but I honestly like getting outside opinions. Sometimes it helps me feel less crazy about the situation I'm dealing with. Anyways, I'll get to the point.
For background, I'm a 17-year-old girl who has been in foster care since I was 13. I've been in the same foster home the entire time, and my foster parents eventually became my legal guardians. I've had a lot of issues with them over the years, and I've posted about some of those situations on here before. I'd say I'm a relatively good kid. I don't ask to go places, I rarely hang out with friends, and I mostly just go to school and come home. I graduated with my associate degree last year during my junior year of high school, with a 4.0 college GPA and high honors, and I've maintained a 4.0 in high school as well. I'm involved in several clubs and am currently preparing to leave for university. I'm not saying any of this because I think good grades make me a better person, but more because I've really tried to make something of myself despite everything that's happened.
I've always been careful about how I act around my foster parents because disagreements with them can turn into much bigger situations than they need to be. I've learned to keep my head down and avoid arguing because I don't want to make my living situation any worse. Since I've been here, I've just been trying to do my best to avoid conflict. Recently, my foster parents' mother spent some time with me, and we really bonded. We talked about how I was rarely allowed to do anything outside of school, and she sympathized with me. She offered to take me to the movies just to get me out of the house. She got my number, spoke with my foster parent, and they apparently agreed on an arrangement.
The day we were supposed to go, my other foster parent came into my room screaming at me. She said she couldn't believe I'd made plans without talking to them and went on and on about how she was "the adult" and I was the child. I was confused because I thought everything had already been discussed with my foster parent. All I said was, "You don't have to shout at me." Afterward, she told the other family member that I couldn't go because I was supposedly arguing with my foster parent??? When I texted to ask what happened, I was told the plans had been canceled because my foster parent's biological grandchild couldn't come along. I guess that makes sense, but it still bothered me. Their biological grandchild gets to leave the house regularly, while I rarely get to do anything. It feels like there are always extra conditions attached whenever I want to go somewhere.
This isn't the first time something like this has happened. Here's one I posted about last year, In case you don't wanna read my other posts (you definitely don't lol): Last year, I joined Robotics and several other school clubs. I made sure to tell my foster parents about the meetings, and they initially seemed fine with it. One day, a Robotics meeting got moved from 3–5 PM to 5–7 PM. I went and told them about the change, and they didn't seem upset. When the meeting ended, I called my foster parent to pick me up. She refused and told me that since I'd supposedly "made plans without discussing them", I could walk home myself. No getting in my friends' car's or anything. Normally, they wouldn't let me walk home alone in the dark because our neighborhood is dangerous. It was also pouring rain that evening.
Thankfully, a friend offered to walk me home while her dad followed us in his car. When I got home, my foster parent yelled at me some more, threatened to take away my belongings, and mocked me when I tried to explain why I was upset. Neither of my foster parents spoke to me for the next couple of days. Things like this have happened repeatedly over the years. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells in a home where I'm supposed to feel safe. I've tried to be understanding because my foster parent has BPD, but at some point, I started wondering why I'm always expected to be the understanding one. Her mental issue is not an excuse to treat me like that. Im glad I came to that realization.
Another issue is that I used to work for my foster parents every day for $100 a week. I eventually told them I felt I wasn't being paid enough, and they fired me. I can understand them not wanting me to work for them anymore, but they also won't let me get a job anywhere else. So now I'm left worrying about how I'm going to afford things for myself and prepare for college. For years, I've tried to be especially careful about what I say and do because I didn't want to jeopardize my education or my living situation. Having my electronics taken away would have made completing my college coursework difficult, and I didn't have anywhere else to go. I felt like I had to put up with everything because I had no other choice. Now, though, I'm about to leave for university, and I'm tired of pretending that the way they've treated me over the years hasn't affected me. I wouldn't say I hold a grudge, but I'm definitely not going to keep letting everything slide just to keep the peace.
This brings me to the actual situation. My foster parent also yells at the other foster kids in the house, and I recently had a video of her screaming at them. I decided to send it to my lawyer. Before I sent it, my foster parents saw the video. They told me that DHS had already heard them screaming at the kids and didn't care. I know that's not true, they were trying to discourage me from doing anything about it. Just because I've acted dumb to keep peace doesn't mean that I'm actually that gullible. Afterward, I was patronized for recording her. Whenever she yelled at the kids again, she'd make comments about hoping I was recording her. It felt like she was trying to make me feel stupid for documenting what she was doing. After I sent the video to my lawyer, my foster parents told me DHS had contacted them and that they were going to lose everything, including all the foster kids and me. I don't know exactly what's happening with the investigation or whether that's actually going to happen, but they've made it seem like I'm responsible for all of it. And they've spun the story so oddly to DHS, saying that I only sent it because I was having a tantrum and I wanted to get their house shut down, that I apparently used them for my college degree (which makes no sense, because my school is the one who paid for it, and I'm the one who earned the degree), and a load of other BS.
Honestly, I don't feel bad, and I'm not sure if I should, and it's not like the video was fake. She really said those things. These kids deserve to be in a safe home, in which they aren't experiencing mental abuse. I know that's what I wanted. I used to think it could always be worse, but why does that matter when it's already bad? I understand that being removed from a foster home can be difficult, and I don't want them to have to go through any more instability than they already have. But at the same time, I don't think it's my responsibility to protect my foster parents from the consequences of their own behavior. I didn't make the video to get revenge on them. I sent it to my lawyer because I felt that someone needed to know what was happening. If DHS decides that the home isn't appropriate for foster children, I don't see how that makes me the bad guy.
I also know I'm not perfect. I've gotten upset and definitely lashed out on occasion. But I don't think I should have to be a perfect child to deserve basic respect, especially from the adults who are responsible and literally get a check for taking care of me. I guess I'm just at a point where I'm done being afraid of them. For years, I've worried about losing my belongings, being punished, or making my situation worse. Now that I'm finally getting ready to leave, I don't feel like I have as much to lose by speaking up. But maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Maybe I'm so used to being treated badly that I can't tell when I'm being unreasonable anymore.
AITAH for sending the video to my lawyer? Should I feel guilty about the possibility of my foster parents losing their foster children, or am I right to believe that their behavior is their responsibility, not mine?
I'd appreciate any opinions, especially from those who have experience with foster care or have been in similar situations.
368
u/stryker_cast 2d ago
I'm sorry your foster parent haven't made their house a safe space for you. NTA at any level, protect any future placements.
38
u/LuckyDude_007 1d ago
Yeah this. NTA. Documenting the yelling is smart, not petty. If things escalate, you have proof of what the environment is actually like. Foster kids rarely get believed when it's their word against the guardians, so having video evidence is huge. Protect yourself, you're doing the right thing.
69
227
u/stallion8426 2d ago
Honey, this is above reddit's paygrade.
If your lawyer and DHS are opening an investigation, then it was serious enough to warrant reporting.
85
u/Malphas43 2d ago
and most likely proved that previous claims made by the foster parents were false, or that previous complaints about the fosters were proven true/viable.
51
u/gma9999 2d ago
NTAH, I don't have much experience with the foster system. I am 70 so I have a lot of life experience. You are not responsible for their actions, they are aware that yelling at children is not appropriate. It won't be your decission if they lose their foster children that will be up to the state. Its always OK to defend yourself and those that can't. Its also wise to understand that sometimes you have to keep your head down and carry on. It seems like you are on the right track. When you are at university take advantage of any counseling they offer and enjoy yourself.
42
u/Slight-Confection-73 1d ago
Update: They just took my phone so that I can't report them to anyone. I only have my computer. Someone please call ODHS. Message me personally for more info.
17
u/DoallthenKnit2relax 1d ago
When you're next in school or at the doctor's office make sure you have a private conversation with the doctor or your guidance counselor to discuss ALL of these issues. The fact that she is actively experiencing BPD episodes is a major concern, and should be a big red flag. Or, contact your caseworker directly, let them know that your attorney has a video they should get ahold of. If these options can't happen, write it all out on paper and mail it to your caseworker or their supervisor.
5
3
u/kswilson68 4h ago
Change your passwords for apps on your phone now! Send all important emails to a friend or trusted adult. And above all, be safe.
38
u/MovieLazy6576 1d ago
NTA. DHS won’t close the house down for one video. If that happens they have done other things and had warnings. Good job protecting the other kids.
31
u/EmptyPomegranete 1d ago
NTA. Someone with BPD should not be able to
foster children unless they are truly healed and qualify as being in remission.
59
u/Weekly-Argument- 2d ago
You probably should have done this years ago. These foster parents are straight abusive and shouldn’t be given vulnerable children to abuse.
This reads like people who take kids for the state money. These are horrible people.
54
u/headoftheasylum 1d ago
NTA. They let someone diagnosed with BPD become a foster parent?! Sure, let's hand over at-risk children to the mentally unhealthy! What you are describing sounds awful to me, I'm so sorry you and the other kids have had to live in that situation. You are describing a mentally unhealthy household where you're constantly in fear of doing something wrong, but the rules keep changing, and you never know what the rules actually are. Just reading about it is enough to trigger PTSD. I'm so proud of you for everything you have accomplished while under such pressure, and I'm so proud of you for stepping up and saying something to protect the other children. The bad guys are going to try to make you feel like the bad guy, because that's what bad guys do.
16
u/hbernadettec 1d ago
The way they treat the foster children so differently , you are a check for them. They sound unfit for the role.
12
u/Beetlejuice_me 1d ago
NTA. They're abusive, and if they're abusive to you, they're abusive to other kids too.
If they "lose everything" from that one video, I am willing to bet there are other issues as well.
They SHOULD lose all foster abilities if they're abusive.
Please be safe, but you did a good thing.
11
10
u/Kitty_Seriously 1d ago
This advice is all just assuming you don't have this all prepared, so don't be offended if it feels patronizing.
Make sure you have copies(or originals) of all of your important papers. Back up anything you need that is on a device that can be taken away. Make sure all of your logins are protected. Lock down any accounts so they can't access them. Keep any money you have in a place they can't find, that you can access. Probably just see if your lawyer can hold everything.
You are NTA. You are protecting those that you can't always be around to defend.
42
u/Loreo1964 2d ago
NTA. Plus when you turn 18 your out of the system, you realize that don't you? You will age out of foster care. Make sure the day you turn 18 you get a copy of your birth certificate and go to the bank. Take all your money out of whatever is in a joint account and open a checking and savings account in your name only. I suggest going to a different bank than the one your foster parents do business with.
If you're worried about paying for things you might want to join the Coast guard. Super choice for women. So is the Air Force. National guard is only part time. But all of them are going to pay for college, provide housing, health benefits, retirement after only 20 year. Geez. Being retired by 40??? Nice.
My mom was a foster parent. I will say, that girl was crazy! She used to crawl out the window at night onto the roof and try to get in bed with my brother. She ended up a mother of 8 kids with 5 different dads to the babies. Your foster parents sound like they never should have been approved! Keep your chin up. It's going to be over soon. Just do your best.
15
u/Sweet_Sub73 1d ago
Many, many states have extended foster care, which allows a foster child to recieve a monthly stipend if they are going to school or working a certain number of hours per month. And for foster kids that choose to go to school, many, many states provide a tuition waiver for state and community colleges as well as county operated trade schools. It is not quite as awful as it used to be. OP may have some or all of these programs available to them.
14
u/Odd-Lifeguard-2202 1d ago
NTAH. I was a foster kid. They should not be foster parents. You should have told your social worker a long time ago.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m also very proud of you for your grades and already earning a degree.
6
6
u/Wanderer617508 1d ago
NTA but you do still have a lot to lose and you need to proceed with caution. You need to plan for when and how you are going to be leaving their house. Your lawyer is the safest person to talk to about this (make sure they are representing you and not representing your foster parents or the state).
11
u/sequoia-redwood 2d ago
NTA. There are many services available for foster kids when they age out of foster care. My mother inlaw is a social worker and has told me about programs to support foster kids in college, get housing, etc. You did the right thing by sending the video to show your foster parent's true colors.
1
u/Familiar_Shock_1542 1d ago
In the US?
Not where I live
2
u/sequoia-redwood 1d ago
Yes in the US. Based on previous comments by OP, I assume she is in the US. No need to be rude since I'm just tying to provide resources and support to someone in need.
5
u/cathline 1d ago
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
NTA
When you get to campus (talk to your lawyer about whether or not you need legal emancipation and if you can keep your foster subisidy for yourself while you attend college) take advantage of the free counseling on campus so you can learn the lesson from this relationship with your foster parents.
They are emotionally abusive. They are NOT good people. They probably have a lot of self-worth tied up in 'I'm a foster parent and that makes me a good person'. You exposing the reality of how they behave will cause them a lot of pain, but it's pain that they brought on themselves.
You need to learn that you don't have to be 'perfect' to be treated with kindness and respect. You need to learn that it is not okay to take advantage of a minor by making them work for 100/wk. You need to learn that is okay to want a life where you don't have to walk on eggshells.
Having spent so much time with them means that part of you has normalized this behavior. That is what the counseling is for. So you don't think that someone who is a 'friend' or partner and behaves this way is acceptable. You also need to learn how to end relationships as soon as the red flags start. You stayed here because you were in the foster care system, which meant that you had limited options. Once you are out, you have more options.
Sending grandma hugs through the internet. I am SO PROUD of you! You have a WONDERFUL life ahead of you!!
3
u/Mysterious_Law_7269 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA
Your foster parents are overcontrolling, but you are almost out! Make sure to get in college applications and scholorship requests. DO NOT LET THEM STOP THIS. But the little stuff it may be safer to let lie intil your older.
I wasnt removed from my parents, but spent time in CPS group homes. I hope you know there is NOTHING wrong with you repeatedly posting to reddit as long as you follow subreddit rules. It is OK for you to take space, and i hope once you get to college you can start getting some therapy to process your trauma.
If you need anyone to bounce things offof feel free to dm me, but be careful getting help from adults you dont know.
College can open up your world so much, and you are bright, please make it there by hook or crook.
9
u/I_wanna_be_anemone 1d ago
OP, if BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, then understand that this woman is outright delusional. She is literally incapable of accepting she’s at fault and will invent reasons to lash out at others (aka project her feelings on them) to avoid being accountable. My sister is the same, refuses to pursue therapy/treatment, and regularly abandons her kids for the next abusive baby daddy she finds.
What she’s doing is emotional and mental abuse. She shouldn’t be responsible for vulnerable children (or any children as long as she’s acting like this). Any kids will be drastically better off not being subjected to abuse then blamed for being abused. You’re doing the other kids a favour by making authorities hold you foster parents accountable for both the abuse and the enabling of abuse. NTA
3
u/Familiar_Shock_1542 1d ago
NTAH
Those people are not fit to be foster parents.
Protect yourself.
Protect your money and property.
Have a plan for when you turn 18.
Best wishes for you and for your university experience.
It's obvious that you have been working really hard.
3
u/Regular_Boot_3540 1d ago
NTA. You were doing something good for the other foster kids. You deserve so much better, and so do they.
2
u/Its_a_mad_world_ 1d ago
NTA, sounds like the foster parents are just in it for the money, use scare tactics and isolation to control the foster kids.
5
u/Plus-Implement 2d ago
I want to tell you how proud I am of you for focusing on your education. You are a child that has basically had to raise herself, and up to current times you modified your behavior accordingly, taking a long-term view of your future. You have been in survival mode, you're trying to make something out of yourself, you've done all the right things. I'm so so very proud of you.
You're about to age out of the foster care system; to start, can you slowly and quietly start removing the things that you most care about out of this home. Is there a trusted person in your life that can keep your belongings at their home, would your attorney be willing to do this for you? Find somebody that you trust and get the belongings that you most care about out of this home. Quietly, and slowly.
Then lean into your attorney, get their advice on your next steps. Do you have a social worker that you can trust? What you're trying to figure out here is how to get yourself out of this home safely. You have to figure out how you will make it as an 18 year old on your own in this life. There's programs out there that exist to help you. Your primary focus right now is your exit plan. There is a caveat here, if these kids are in immediate Danger, then consult your attorney and your social worker and get that taken care of right away.
So right now you focus on your exit strategy, finding where you will live through college, how you will make money, scholarships, all of that jazz. It's not going to be easy my friend, but look how well you've done thus far. I'm so impressed by you.
So don't take action until you're out of that home, and you have those next steps planned. May I suggest the military? You can go in for a couple years, have housing, you can stack your money, get training, and by the time you get out you qualify for the GI Bill, and you can get your college taken care of.
I wish I could give you a big hug my friend, giving your life circumstances you have done so well for yourself.
10
u/Greenelse 1d ago
No military under Hegseth! It’s not worth the risk to their wellbeing or morality.
5
u/RitaFaye88 1d ago
Why would you encourage a teen to join the military while a lunatic is in the white house, starting wars all willly-nilly to distract from his atrocities? So she can go fight and die for elite pedophiles? NO!!! OP do not sign your life over to the US government. Joining the military LITERALLY make you their property. This will NOT be good for you. Please, don't!
1
u/AcanthisittaNearby99 2d ago
Nta as a former foster and adoptee out ofbthe system, your foster parents are the type the dis, especially here in wv, hate.
1
u/Radio_Mime 1d ago
Your foster parents sound like they shouldn’t be in charge of any children. They’re terrible and I’m glad you reported them.
1
u/inee1 1d ago
NTA If they are like that in front of you, what.are they like when no one's around. If these people get shut down then you will have helped so many people you will never meet. They are probably in it for the money rather than to help kids, at your age you should be going out not staying
1
u/fuglyjeans 1d ago
I’m so sorry :( you are being severely mistreated. I hope that you are able to find safety away from these people
ETA : NTA
1
u/cassowary32 1d ago
NTA. I hope you and the other kids are moved to a safe household. I'm sorry you were trapped there for so long.
1
1
1
1
u/FearlessRelief1487 1d ago
NTA … im so sorry for your hardship . If you are in the north west region … we would be happy to have you here for every single holiday. 💔❤️🩹❤️
Edit: not a weirdo but heartbroken for a kids who grow up without worm and safe home.
1
u/sassyseven 1d ago
NTA, they FAFO, it’s not your fault their actions have these consequences, you did the right thing by exposing them
1
u/Ok_Cherry_4585 21h ago
NTA and I'm sorry you have had to carry this burden for so long. It is a testament to just how brave, how smart, how strong you are that you have accomplished so much in so short of a time. Congratulations on your graduation and degree 👏🎉 you are a rockstar for that. Some people never finish high school much less college and you did both at the same time. The sky is the limit now and I wish you all the best!
Your foster parents deserve to lose everything. They deserve to lose their foster kids, their house and if they're abusive to their own child, that child as well. You didn't do anything wrong.
1
1
0
u/Tarot_Reader_Vee 1d ago
TLDR. If you think children are being abused or harmed, you need to report them to Child Protective Services, not come to the internet asking what you should do. As a child who's been in the system for 4 years, you should be the first to speak out when you see something wrong happening.
ETA you WBTAH if you don't report.
-12
u/Realistic-Try7845 2d ago
You’ve posted this dozens of times on Reddit. Why? Tell DHS if you have valid concerns.
4
u/Weekly-Argument- 2d ago
Are you just here to talk down to abused children? There are no posting limits.
3
u/Slight-Confection-73 2d ago
Sorry about that. I don't use Reddit much, but I'm getting the implication that you shouldn't post something to multiple groups. Oops.
My point in posting this is to get outside opinions, because mine is definitely biased. Basically, I'm trying to see if my concerns are actually valid. I don't want people to just sympathize with me, I want them to give honest opinions. If enough people agree that my foster parents are truly In the wrong and that It is in both me and the other children's best interest for me to do something, then I will take this even further. I'm humble enough to acknowledge that I am a child, and I've been pretty sheltered and haven't exactly experienced "the real world." In posting this, I wanted to get real adults, people who have likely been parents themselves, to share their opinions on the matter.
Currently, all DHS has is the video. I sent it to my lawyer, who is a mandatory reporter, so she sent it to DHS. Thankfully, I've posted on Reddit over the years (with screenshots), so I have real records of multiple situations + outside perspectives that I will gladly hand over to DHS. I've also kept other personal records, but these ones which also have other opinions are the ones I am most confident in sharing.
6
u/ShallowStillWater 2d ago edited 2d ago
DHS decides, with the help of your provided evidence, whether or not your concerns are valid. Protecting a vulnerable person and helping those that cannot help themselves is an admirable quality, as well as the right thing to do. If DHS investigates the alleged and decides to remove the children in their care, I promise that you are not the sole reason for doing so.
What they are attempting to do is to gaslight you and keep total control of you (and likely the other children as well). That is not healthy and absolutely not ok. Please do not carry the burden of their poor choices and the repercussions of them that appear to be rapidly bearing down upon them - they belong to them alone.
What you did took courage. Bravo! What you did in reporting them, not only protects you foster “siblings”, but it also serves to protect you from further abuse, exploitation, harassment, and harm if you continue to document everything. Start a journal and keep track of dates, times, and as exact a record of the situations as what is being said verbatim as you can. That will further your credibility and strengthen your confidence and resolve, should you need it.
Please continue to report everything (you never know who you are protecting by doing so or by staying silent). Agencies are there to investigate what you report and you are allowed to be wrong - if the investigation concludes that, but the investigation needs to happen to know for sure, and for you to be able to build your ability to recognize unsafe and unhealthy dynamics in order to protect yourself in the future.
I am proud of you. You should be proud of you too. You are worth fighting for and you deserve to have the life that you are so diligently pursuing for yourself. Keep that shit up, you’re doing fantastic!
NTAH, at all.
285
u/ftjlster 2d ago
If all it took for them to lose the ability to foster children was a video of them abusing the foster children, OP, then it isn't your fault. You were just the sole responsible person who got proof to somebody who could do something to protect the underage and vulnerable children they were abusing.
Anyway keep your lawyer up to date with what's happening to you, keep your head down and get out and into university and away from these people. Also be wary that they're likely to try to sabotage your entry into university in some way.