i think part of why i always wanted to be a woman is cause i wanted to be small and cute and a ditzy bottom. but nobody wants me that way cause im tall and sad and serious and not cute or innocent.
cis people mock and exclude me but now in the trans scene they are "reclaiming" all those things i wanted to be and saying that it is for boys. and womenhood is being reclaimed to mean tall and muscular and wide shoulders and a top. so now people say "you CAN be a woman, you can be a tall strong woman who tops and carries her 5'2 boyfriend up the stairs."
but i don't want to be that. i transitioned to get away from that but now you are pushing it on me and saying it's ok because that's what women do. it feels like a psyop putting me in an impossible choice because if i choose to be a woman people say i can be a tall strong top and that none of that is inherently masculine but i don't want any of that. redefining gender that way makes me wish i were a boy cause now being a boy is associated with adrogyny and femininity more than womanhood is. being a woman is for hons. but if i say i want to be a boy you will just turn me into a man.
so many people would treat me like a man but deny it by saying "___ isn't inherently masc or femme." my recent mtf ex would pressure me to top or domme all the time and when i said it was making me dysphoric she would say "domming isn't inherently masculine." as much as i like the idea of deconstructing gender norms, i also like the idea of escaping this oppressive role i have been forced into and changing the label for that role from masculinity to 'femininity' doesn't change the effect it has on me. you can call it a princess wand all you want it isn't gonna make me ok with using it on you. but istg some people use these changed labels to try to gaslight u and say "im treating u like a woman! and women are supposed to pick up their boyfriend and pound him like a bull. that's what women do so it's feminine actually."
there is no winning. i want out of this deathtrap it feels like life is forcing me to become something i never wanted to be and destroying my soul in the most slow and hopeless way.
edit: also why is the frickin guy the angel in the picrel. he's got a halo and the girl has the devil horns. usually angels are seen as feminine and devils as masculine (bulls, horns goatees, etc). it might be subversive if they were cis but knowing the artist these characters are meant to be trans so ironically it's just pushing the FtM further into a feminine archetype and the MtF further into a masculine archetype.
