r/weddingshaming • u/ironypoisonedposter • 1d ago
Family Drama Is it so hard to share an address (low stakes family drama and a short vent)
Fiancé has some family abroad in Europe. We have an address for his aunt & uncle but not two of their adult children. My future MIL is helping us gather addresses on her side of the family. Her sister (fiancé’s aunt, obvi) refuses to share the addresses of her children and we don’t have contact details for one of their children, so there’s no way to ask that person directly.
The reason? Protecting their privacy. The whole thing is fucking bizarre.
I’m pretty sure none of them are coming to the wedding, which is fine, if you don’t want to come, don’t, but, like, can you just make my life easier on the Save the Date front please?
Edit: everyone assuming I’m leading the charge on getting this address is wrong. I am not. They were contacted twice, not by me, the second of which was a follow up email in case the first one was missed. In the end we are sending it to the parents. It is standard in both our families to invite all aunts/uncles/first cousins.
I’m really just expressing my feelings about something weird and unexpected that came up while wedding planning (this was certainly not an issue for any of my sister’s weddings).
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u/eugenesbluegenes 1d ago
That's easy, they don't get invited if they don't want to share their address.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
They’re on my fiancé’s invite list, not mine.
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u/Summerisle7 1d ago
So what does your fiancé want to do? Keep trying to get their address, or step back and not invite them?
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u/eugenesbluegenes 1d ago
I don't understand having two lists, my wife and I decided invites together.
And if you really want to keep things separate, I guess it's not your problem?
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u/FullMooseParty 1d ago
Feel like some of this is family politics. Like I have six first cousins (three pairs of siblings) and if I invited the 4 I'm close to, the aunt whose kids I barely know would be pissed and make it dramatic for my mom (who does love her sister, but her kids are both much younger than me and my siblings and we didn't grow up together).
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Exactly, it’s an optics thing. All his first cousins have been invited to each other’s weddings, even if they can’t always attend.
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u/FullMooseParty 1d ago
I would send the invite c/o their mom and then try to reach out on socials and let them know,. Sorry she's being weird. Maybe she knows they won't come and if they don't get an invite they won't be obliged to send a gift?
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Yes, that’s what we’re doing. We don’t even have a registry and explicitly are telling people no need to do gifts if they don’t want to (and are also including charities as an option instead of gifts).
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u/fakemoose 1d ago
If he’s not close enough with them to WhatsApp or message them elsewhere on social media, to ask for their address, what is the point of inviting them?
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u/Autistic_Briar_Rose 1d ago
We had something similar happen. A friend of my FIL didn’t want us having his address, and then when I hand-wrote my address and his name on the envelope (for FIL to hand deliver) FIL threw a temper tantrum about how it’s “not professional” (I guess all his colleagues’ kids had labels or professional calligraphy) and told my now husband to “find his balls.” People are weird.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes, people are so weird. We saw this particular aunt over the summer, it was during a thing where some of my family happened to be meeting his family and when my mother asked this particular aunt if we can expect them at the wedding, my mother said she made a hurmph noise and that was all!! like 😑
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u/suspect--device 1d ago
Ugh. There are people out there who, when given an opportunity to be difficult, will take said opportunity just because it pleases them to do so. I'm sorry your fiancé’s aunt sucks.
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u/pearlpajamas 20h ago
It’s ridiculous that something as simple as sending a wedding invitation has to become such a headache when they’re just trying to include family and get everything sorted out without unnecessary drama
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u/Shibwas 1d ago
If you really want to invite them then send their own seperate invite to the aunt. That’s the most and the least you can do. I wouldn’t expect them if u don’t get the rsvp.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
That’s our plan for now but I just needed to express how fucking weird I find the whole thing.
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u/rosyshoelace 15m ago
Sending the invitation to the aunt seems like the easiest solution here because it gives them the chance to attend without putting more pressure on anyone to share personal information they’d rather keep private
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u/faire_du_papier 1d ago
Everyone asking why the invitation if they're not close: we had a fairly big wedding and we invited all of our first cousins, as a courtesy to not exclude some cousins while including others. Some families view weddings as a family affair and expect to see and catch up with the relatives even if they're not in frequent contact. If it were a small intimate wedding or a culture that doesn't expect relatives to be invited by default, then that would be a different story.
But it sounds like they're not even interested in a courtesy invitation so you're off the hook.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Yes, we do view this as being a family affair-type thing and to that end, we are both inviting all our first cousins. That’s how it operates in both our families when hosting a larger wedding.
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u/Head_Razzmatazz7174 1d ago
Does she actually talk to the kids? The cousins may be no contact with the parents, and moved somewhere to where she can't find them.
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u/TanandaL 1d ago
In hadn't thought of that one.
Or if she's toxic, it could be a power thing on her part. My Mom and Uncle played those kind of games.
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u/Vegetable-Canary4984 1d ago
She did make your life easier, you don't even need to send them now
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Unfortunately not the case.
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u/Vegetable-Canary4984 1d ago
How so? Do they expect you to send a carrier pigeon to meet them in the town square with the information? And if it's not your family, even more not your problem.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Because the cousin in question is still being invited. The invite is going to his parents. I’m just expressing my feelings about how odd I’ve found the whole thing.
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u/Overall-Fig3079 1d ago
My cousins are meth heads who will steal and try to live on your couch. None of them will ever know where I live.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Ok but I’m not a meth head, at most I occasionally take mushrooms while on vacation with friends, and they are literally on another continent so even if I was a meth head there’s no way I am going to go to their house to steal things because it would require an $800 transatlantic flight lol.
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u/andsimpleonesthesame 1d ago
I'm confused - you're inviting adults for whom neither the bride, nor the groom nor the parents of either have direct contact information?
Like, these are his cousins, are they not? Why does he not have their phone number or email address or something like that? How have they stayed in contact so far? (Does he have the contact information for other cousins and could be asking them?)
And if they have not stayed in contact, why are you inviting them?
This whole thing starts being bizarre way before the privacy bit.
(which countries are involved? Where are the two of you from? Where do his relatives live? I'm kind of curious what's going on here and if there's some kind of miscommunication - or something else going on, because this sounds like quite a bit of traveling for some of your guests "abroad in Europe" implies you're on another continent.
If it's relevant at all for a frame of reference: I'm German - and really curious if this is a wild excuse of one of my countrymen, some of us are kind of privacy obsessed, but this would be considered quite bizarre. Something's missing here, I think.)
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
It’s my fiancé’s decision to invite them and he’s inviting all his first cousins, though we know several probably won’t come due to travel (all are in the US but further afield, whereas my family is local or within a few hours of NYC by train or car). I don’t think inviting first cousins, even those you aren’t in regular contact is that bizarre. Events like these do offer an opportunity to reconnect.
We live in NYC and the family in question live in France.
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u/concretism 1d ago
I'm with you on inviting family even if you are not close enough to have their current address.
Does someone else have the cousin's email or phone number though?
Family members who gatekeep communication tend to cause problems; such as not sending the invite along or RSVPing yes without asking the other guests.
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u/andsimpleonesthesame 1d ago
Inviting your first cousins isn't bizarre at all, not having any contact information for them is. I get not knowing their address, people move and we so rarely need those nowadays, but no phone number, no whatsapp, no email, no other social media, that's the bit that seems bizarre to me.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
There are plenty of people out there without their first cousins contact info.
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u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618 1d ago
Me lol I follow one on Instagram and one on FB but I don't have details for any of the rest, and I don't have phone numbers or addresses for my aunt's and uncles either. We just weren't brought up to be close.
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u/andsimpleonesthesame 1d ago
None that I know. (This includes people with relatives on other continents.)
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u/NymeriaGhost 1d ago
I have cousins scattered across three continents (or possibly 4?), 5-6 countries, and until recently if I wanted to get in contact with any of them, it would be through one cousin who is the connector to anyone else. Now that I'm on Whatsapp, I'm connected to one aunt and a few more cousins... but I don't even know the names of some of the cousins halfway around the world. I just learned about a cousin living in New Zealand that I knew nothing about it. It's harder to stay in contact and connected when they are dispersed.
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u/andsimpleonesthesame 1d ago
I get that - but would a cousin who's name you don't even know end up on your wedding guest list?
I can totally see asking one cousin for contact information on another (I've got one cousin who keeps switching phone numbers and forgetting to tell people - it's not deliberate, he's just a bit flighty sometimes), but anyone important enough to invite to your wedding is someone you can easily acquire an address for, if you can't, they're clearly not close enough to invite.
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u/Overall-Fig3079 1d ago
They just want their rich foreign family to send them money or gifts. That's all.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Incorrect, we don’t have a registry and explicitly say people don’t need to bring gifts.
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u/Overall-Fig3079 1d ago
Most people don't want gifts brought to the wedding. They are shipped now.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Let me rephrase: we explicitly say on our website that we do not expect gifts and that we do not have a registry. We do have suggested charities in lieu of gifts if people feel so inclined, but even that is not an obligation. We are getting married in an expensive city and we acknowledge as much and emphasis we just want people to come. Hope that clears it up.
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u/rabbithasacat 1d ago
They are shipped now.
"Now"? They were always mailed well before the wedding in the past, and they still are, where the tradition is properly maintained. It's a modern, fairly recent nuisance for people to bring gifts to a wedding, where somebody will have to sort and monitor them, and then there is the headache of getting them to their destination after the bride & groom have left the party.
In the old days gifts would get sent to the home of the bride's parents on the assumption that she would be living with them until marriage. That assumption is obviously obsolete, but it was never correct to bring gifts to a wedding, and doing so now shows ignorance of wedding tradition.
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u/GlitchTheFox 1d ago
I swear, sometimes the commenters on this sub can't tell the difference in tone between "I have a dire problem in need of a solution!" and "This is weird, commiserate with me."
Sometimes people don't wanna drop everything they're (or someone else in this case) doing or suddenly turn on their heel on the advice of strangers online, sometimes people just wanna talk about mild drama that doesn't really hurt anybody and doesn't require any action or redirection.
I think this sub would be a lot more boring if people didn't post that mild drama sometimes. There are more interesting things to talk about here than the Optimal Solution (which is always to run for the hills, for some reason) every time.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 15h ago
Yeah, some of the responses here are very peak Reddit and definitely miss the intent of the post (even though i make it as obvious as possible in the title lol).
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u/Tank-Horror 1d ago
How frustrating.
My MIL wanted to invite some of her fathers side of the family who my husband had never even met yet and refused to give us their addresses. Wanted to “send a picture” of hers to them and her to communicate solely with them about it and let us know their response. It was very odd. My now husband said basically “if they’re being invited it’s going to be formally, please get their addresses by X date so we can send it out”. Never happened LOL
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u/CutFootloose5 1d ago
The way I would so quickly send a “Thank you for letting us know that you’re unable to share your children’s mailing addresses with us. We will certainly miss seeing them and celebrating with them at our wedding. Please send them our regards.” And move on. You asked. You followed up. Still a no. Ok, thank you so much.
If this is some weird cultural/generational misunderstanding where the elderly parents aren’t understanding that couples send out Save the Dates and wedding invites to all guests separately and it’s not 1 invite for the entire family unit, then maybe this will clue them in. Or they’ll talk to their adult children who will then get in touch with you or your husband’s parents.
Or, you’ve washed your hands clean from the antics of narc elderly parents who are playing some dumb game with their adult children by trying to withhold participation in family things.
Or, you’ve given them a polite way out, as the possibility exists that there may be things going on that the extended family doesn’t know about and they don’t want to share.
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u/rabbithasacat 1d ago
This is actually a good solution because it covers all the possibilities without being rude or pushing harder.
Also, I don't know what "narc elderly parents" are but they sound good to stay away from :-)
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u/musical_nerd99 1d ago
If it's so important to your fiance, ask if you can send the cousins' invites along with the aunt's
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
We received one of the cousin’s addresses but for the other one, we’re are sending it to the aunt & uncle.
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u/SantaFe91 1d ago
The aunt could be trying to control access rather than protect privacy. Perhaps you could also send an informal heads up via the cousin whose contact details you do have to the one you don’t?
On the other hand, maybe she’s trying to protect them from some kind of hurt. Maybe somebody has recently been jilted or separated and is desperately sensitive.
Hmm.
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u/gurlysoftmist 1d ago
yeah, at least you have a way to get the invites to them like the whole privacy thing is a bit odd when you’re just trying to send a wedding invitation, but you’ve done what you can at this point
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u/bakedbaker319 20h ago
I am not understanding why its such a big deal just to send the invitation to the parents home. You are making a big deal out of nothing.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 15h ago
I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I literally refer to this as low stakes family drama. I’m just expressing how odd I found it. People are incapable of reading tone these days, yeesh.
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u/Accurate_Tax_1302 13h ago
You missed the point completely. The point being, the address was being withheld from family members for privacy reasons. Most of us have never and will never encounter that. It's unusual.
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u/Glass_Definition1215 1d ago
I have family abroad and I’m inviting a cousin I don’t particularly like, I’m not really in contact with him and don’t have his address. I just sent his save the date to his mother’s house (my aunt).
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u/Appropriate-Bar6993 1d ago
Just send it to the aunt’s house then.
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u/HisExcellencyAndrejK 12h ago
If the relationship with them is so distant that to share their address with you would be an invasion of privacy, then it is obviously too distant for them to attend your wedding.
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u/Lebuhdez 10h ago
Haha, yeah, I don't have contact info for a couple of my cousins because they didn't respod to the emails we sent with our save the date. They might have gone to spam, so I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt, but I'm just sending their invitations to their parents' address. They live nearby so they'll get them.
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u/therawins 8h ago
We had something similar for my wife's side when we sent save the dates out. Instead of tracking down upwards of 30 cousins and their addresses, she picked a point of contact for that part of the family like the auntie or uncle or the oldest cousin (if they lived in the same general area) and we sent a bigger envelope with all of their individual save the dates inside. Saved us a headache and we made sure they received their invites later when we sent some of them out the same way.
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u/throwaway44997769 1d ago
Tell the aunt to have the kids reach out do you directly if they want invites. Save that message and if anything comes up down the line show it to the kids and say look we tried. Otherwise save yourself the headache and postage!
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u/FAYCSB 1d ago
I’m ALL for people not giving away my contact information. I’m not shaming that behavior at all.
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u/mmebookworm 1d ago
Same. When I get requests I just ask/say that instead of giving information without consent I’ll pass your info to them. The intended recipient can then reach out if they want to.
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u/Outrageous_Pie_5640 1d ago
I wouldn’t provide anyone’s address from the get go, but at a minimum I’d ask and see if it’s okay.
Maybe OP’s aunt asked and the cousins said no. Regardless, if they don’t want to share, OP should move on
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u/inko75 1d ago
Just stop asking? There is a strong chance they don’t want their addresses shared with you as they don’t have any relationship with you and don’t see a reason for building one. It’s not personal, just stop harassing these people.
I have a strict rule with my mom she is not to share my address with anyone, for any reason. It’s specifically so irritating second cousins and third aunts have no way of contacting me. Take a fucking hint.
If you insist, send the save the date in care of the nearest relative. Stop being annoying.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Asking two times is hardly harassing.
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u/Summerisle7 1d ago
Two times isn’t harassing. Asking a third time would be verging on annoyance territory though.
Accept that these particular cousins don’t need an invite.
Or, if it’s so important to your fiancé that he be seen inviting every cousin, then send their invitation to the aunt’s address.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
We don’t plan to ask a third time and have already decided to send to the aunt and uncle.
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u/inko75 1d ago
Two times then getting prissy about it and posting in the internet are the signs of a nagging/harassing person.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
lol ok. This is literally a sub to express and vent. What the fuck are you doing here?
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u/RrsSpain 1d ago
Si no tienes su dirección da a entender que no tienes relación con ellos, asi que para que los vas a invitar?
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u/inko75 1d ago
Yeah op is weird.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Weird take considering I’m not the one inviting them, my fiancé is, and it’s his choice to invite who he wants to in his family. he is inviting all his first cousins, which is pretty standard at almost every wedding I’ve gone to.
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u/inko75 1d ago
Then it’s his job to send them, or send c/o.
Yall are why people have to protect their addresses from “first cousins” - they don’t care if they don’t get an invite
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Dude, “protect” an address. I am literally going to forget it within seconds of sending out the invites but honestly, probably sooner.
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u/inko75 1d ago
You have serious boundary issues.
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
again LOL. you're really projecting a lot onto a post that even i refer to as "low stakes family drama" and is, more than anything, about the annoyances of dealing with family dynamics when wedding planning. get a grip, it's not that deep.
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u/byteme747 1d ago
No address no invite. Very simple. This is a weird one but the "cost" of the invite is the address and if they won't pay that's fine, they don't get invited. How odd.
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u/MolassesInevitable53 1d ago
If you gave my address, or phone number, or email address, to anyone without getting my permission to do so, I would be very angry with you.
I have been asked a few times "do you have so-and-so's contact details? I am trying to get hold of them."
I always reply "Are you happy for me to give them your contact details? Then they can contact you and give them to you yourself.
I would NEVER give out someone's contact details. Even to a relative. Even to someone I thought they were friends with.
Imagine these situations. There is someone who has been in your life - maybe family, maybe you were friends and still appear civil in front of others, maybe a partner who you are in the process of splitting up with but you are keeping things civil in front of groups you both belong to (maybe you are both on the quiz team) so as not to make it awkward for the rest of the group. Maybe just a friend or relative who often turns up unannounced, far outstays their welcome, and doesn't get the hint that you don't like this. So, when you move, you don't give them your new address.
How would you feel if someone gave them your details, without checking with you first?
In OP's case, send the invitation care of the aunt and uncle.
FFS you are not entitled to someone's address just because you are getting married. Or for any other reason.
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u/AgainandBack 1d ago
I’m with you. I had an absolutely clean email address that I used for correspondence with friends, only. I’d had it for about three years, no spam of any kind. A friend gave it to his wife, who considered herself the US clearinghouse of cute stories, jokes, cat pics, and the like. Suddenly I was getting emails from her, along with 50 or so other people I didn’t know, all of our addresses in cc: instead of bcc:. I begged her to stop. Within a week, I was getting a hundred to a thousand spams a day. I told my now former friend why we were no longer friends.
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u/rosebudny 1d ago
Is your fiance connected to any of these cousins on social media (or can you track them down on SM)? If so, reach out to them there and ask them directly for their address. If aunt won't share, and cousins can't be found...well, sounds like a legit reason to not include them on the invite list. Fiance obviously isn't close with them if he has no way to contact them.
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u/TanandaL 1d ago edited 1d ago
I've always hated when communications got relayed through my parents. I didn't have the sort of relationship with them where I was comfortable with them knowing my business, and it sort of prevented me from having a relationship with a lot of my relatives.
So, it could be a control thing on the part of the Aunt.
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u/Ok_Beginning_5739 27m ago
I’m with you on this. Absolutely an unnecessary complication to what should be a joyful event. Just assume that they’re in a witness protection program or working for the CIA. However, they still owe you a gift. 🤣
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u/bekiutesy 1d ago
The funny thing is they can always decline the invitation is they don’t want to come. OP, just focus on your wedding and be happy. That’s all that matters
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u/ironypoisonedposter 1d ago
Exactly. I’m giving you the option to decline. Just let me send the invite!
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u/Vegetable-Canary4984 1d ago
Girl.....them not wanting an invite IS them declining. Just cross them off the list and move on. Or make your fiance take the reigns and cross this off your list. (All that to say, it is weird that they don't want you to know their address BUT maybe your fiance has given them a reason to not want to share it? Regardless, you've done your due diligence.
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u/fancigirl25 1d ago
Can I just say how MUCH I feel your pain here? Currently working on our save the dates list. My side? Completely locked down with full names, addresses, the lot. Fiancé's side? Dear lawd help me!!! One incomplete address and half of a name for like SIX PEOPLE (aunt, uncle and four ADULT cousins PLUS their unnamed spouses all living at DIFFERENT ADDRESSES). Nicknames for people that make no sense to anyone but him. Cousins listed as "child of Uncle So and So". No last names for SO MANY PEOPLE!!! And it goes on and on and on. I certainly wish you luck LOL!!! :)
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u/FabulousBullfrog9610 1d ago
No address? No invite or save the date.