Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/rabbithasacat]

But it doesn't sound like she wouldn't have known anybody there. They only invited an intimate circle of local friends and loved ones. Even if Jill somehow didn't know anyone else in that circle, they won't exactly be hostile - she could find herself among a bunch of new friends!

This feels more like they're the type of people who think they can't do things separately from their partner, or just can't believe they'd be asked to leave their kids at home, or who want to take a pet with them everywhere they go. And they sort of proved it by flouncing right out of the relationship the moment they got any pushback.

If you're going to offer a plus one, it will say so on the invitation. An invite with named persons on it is an invite for those people. Swapping one out for a stranger and then taking offense when the bride objects is the height of rudeness.

[u/strawberryskis4ever → u/rabbithasacat]

While I agree it is rude to assume a plus one when the invitation named a guest, I think it’s quite a leap to assume that Jill can’t do anything without her partner and never likes to be alone. I also think it is a bit overly optimistic to assume a singleton will make actual friends with the other guests, which I’ve seen mentioned multiple times. I am someone who is quite comfortable in these situations and yet I’ve never walked away from a wedding with an actual new friendship. Been friendly with other guests and enjoyed a lovely evening, maybe even became FB friends (yep, I’m old) but never walked away with a new social circle. As comfortable as I am in these situations, I do not think that’s the norm and I even understand how others could feel differently. Group dynamics can be weird and some friend groups can be very insular, even a bit unwelcoming to outsiders. It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to see how uncomfortable or uncertain being alone in a group can be.

[u/BaileyAMR → u/strawberryskis4ever]

When the couple invites you to their next party or dinner, you will see people you met at the wedding. You will see them many times over the years. They may never be "your" friends, but they can become people you're always glad to see at Joe and Jack's parties.

[u/IMHO_My2Cents → u/strawberryskis4ever]

I wouldn’t not go to a wedding by myself. If my spouse was invited but couldn’t make it I would want to have someone with me too. He was already in the head count what would it hurt to let her bring a plus one?

[u/Icy-Yellow3514 → u/IMHO_My2Cents]

It's a fifty person wedding. Every guest matters. Presumably the couple could have invited someone else who couldn't make the original list.

Regardless, I understand them not wanting someone they never met at their relatively small wedding.

[u/MissionSuccess9576 → u/IMHO_My2Cents]

OP made clear why it would hurt: they want to know that every single person at their wedding to be supportive of their same sex marriage. 

Implicit in that? They have not been supported in the past, and they seek to be surrounded by their affirming loved ones on their wedding day. A completely reasonable expectation that any decent friend should understand.

[u/MSally2009 → u/MissionSuccess9576]

Came here to say the same thing. In this case, it’s not just the breach of etiquette but it’s also insensitive to the couple’s needs in this situation. There are those who don’t accept LGBTQ relationships as an acceptable societal norm. I can see wanting to be sure that they didn’t have the risk of having an unknown someone at their wedding and overhearing snide, bigoted comments about their lifestyle.

[u/Traditional_Set_858 → u/rabbithasacat]

Going to a wedding alone knowing nobody sounds terrible to me 😅 I am an introvert though so if I’m going to a social event that’s already draining my social battery I need at least someone to talk to that I actually know so I don’t feel overwhelmed

[u/jittery_raccoon → u/rabbithasacat]

That can be even worse if Jill doesn't know them. We know it's an intimate circle for thr couple, not that Jill hangs out with this circle. If everyone else is super close and you're the odd one out rhat no one is including, that can be awful

[u/23capri → u/rabbithasacat]

i don’t disagree with you at all, but you’re making a lot of assumptions too. i did comment again to somebody last night that all we know is that op and wife know everybody coming, not that jill would have been acquainted with anybody. all i was pointing out was that i didn’t think it was good taste to expect a guest to sit alone at an all day event if their designated partner couldn’t attend. some people can handle this with no problem but it would be a nightmare for other people.

these wedding subs always preach don’t be cheap, give your guests a +1 so that guests can be more comfortable with a friend or bf/gf and aren’t alone. we give this courtesy to singles but not to somebody who is married and still making the attempt at coming to your big day?

all we can assume is that jill doesn’t know the other guests, because op didn’t mention it. but jill def should have asked first and she’s a dick by having a tantrum when op tried to address her concerns with her.