Zero awareness of wedding invite etiquette

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359]

We are having a small wedding at a private residence in a few weeks. As late-bloomer lesbians in the second chapter of our lives, we invited only people who authentically support us and love us to attend. We've both been married before, so we want this wedding to actually be about us this time.

We invited our friends, a couple that we have known the entire duration of our relationship, let's call them Jill and Bill. Jill just texted tonight and said "Bill can't make it, so I'm bringing my friend instead." This was weird for us. We don't know the friend and the wedding is 50 people. We know every single person attending, and we know them well, so having one rando in there feels strange. We tried to explain that we'd love to have Jill come, but we invited Bill, not some girl we've never met. Unfortunately, they responded by saying that neither one will be attending and that they are no longer interested in our friendship. They couldn't believe we'd expect Jill to attend alone if Bill couldn't go. (Note - these friends are local and so is the wedding, so we're not saying she must travel alone).

My partner and I have always been taught that whoever is explicitly listed on the invite is who is invited. If it says "Jill and Bill Smith" the invite is not for "Jill Smith and Guest." I'm sort of surprised that 1) we had to explain this to middle-aged adults and 2) it was so offensive they don't want to be our friends. Their loss. But please people, have a little more self awareness than Jill and Bill. 🙄 Sigh.

Edit: A few contextual notes. Jill and Bill knew it was a small wedding because we had discussed it with them when we were planning the event. Also, my partner was very polite when she said that we weren't open to Jill bringing a friend. No hostility or shaming, just kindly explaining.

[u/mechanical_stars]

I gave all solo invites a +1 for my wedding, because being alone at a wedding doesn't sound very fun.

[u/kibbles137 → u/mechanical_stars]

I'm partnered, but my partner has very limited days off and often works weekends, so I've gone alone to a few weddings. I honestly find it so much fun! But it's usually for good friends' weddings, so I know several people and/or feel excited to introduce myself to their other friends and family. 

I don't have to worry about whether my date is enjoying himself and I can stay as long (or short!) as I want. Don't have to cajole anyone into accompanying me on the dance floor, I just get out there and do some group dancing with the other people who want to dance. I'm usually a shy introvert, but I have a blast at weddings because I love love, and I feel my holy responsibility as a guest is to bring joy and love to the celebration of the couple's love.

I adore my partner and we're well suited in many ways, but we both agree this is The Way for us. In spite of my love of everyone else's weddings, when we decide the time feels right for us, I'm pretty set on a courthouse wedding, followed by a really nice dinner out where we treat our witnesses (and their +1s). 

I'm probably in the minority for preferring to go solo to weddings 😂 

[u/whatshamilton → u/kibbles137]

My best friend just did the courthouse thing followed by them treating us to a lovely luncheon. Then that evening they bought out a small bar in the neighborhood and let everyone know when and where and they trickled in and out to say congratulations. It was beautiful.

[u/sydd321 → u/whatshamilton]

I LOVE this idea! Thank you.

[u/Pettsareme → u/kibbles137]

I’m with you. I’ve been single for a long time and have, over the years, been invited with a plus one many times. I’ve never brought someone with me and I usually have a great time.

[u/lurkmode_off → u/mechanical_stars]

I've been a "just a friend" +1 at weddings where I don't know the couple. It definitely would have sucked for my friends if they hadn't been allowed to bring me. Most guests at a wedding don't get to spend much time with the couple. Which is fine. At long as they get a +1.

[u/esuomyekcim_ → u/mechanical_stars]

Same! And friends of my friends are soon to be my friends :)

[u/QwilleransMustache → u/mechanical_stars]

This is the way. Weddings have become so selfish that it's eye-rolling. What OP fails to mention is that Jill probably doesn't know anyone else going to the wedding, and will spend an entire day/evening twiddling her thumbs and trying desperately to start mini conversations with strangers who are with their significant others, so aren't as eager and desperate to chat with strangers.

Like, OP doesn't know Jill's friend? A friend close enough to Jill that's she'd go to a small wedding with her? All of my friends who aren't friends with each other have at least met each other a couple times over the years. It sounds like Jill doesn't know OP all that well, like they haven't met each other's friends. No wonder Jill doesn't want to go alone. She would feel left out and awkward. I wouldn't want to go either. And we don't how the discussion really went down. Based on the wording of this post, I doubt OP was understanding.

[u/whatshamilton → u/QwilleransMustache]

Yes I was the +1 to a tiny wedding like OP’s. It was kindness so she would know someone and have someone to talk to the whole time. So weird to be so strict about it. Brides are always like “I don’t want to hang out with a stranger” but most brides aren’t “hanging out” with anyone. And their friend DOES want to hang out with someone to make the party fun

[u/Natural-Cupcake3359 → u/QwilleransMustache]

Correct, we do not know Jill's friend, at all. Never met her.