Greedy
Please don’t have a wedding where you demand costly things from your bridesmaids but simultaneously won’t pay for them
This is a quick post. Back in my early twenties, I was a bridesmaid for a friend. In this wedding, it was demanded that we had to pay for our own dress, makeup, and hair. It was a good friend and I really wanted to be there for her, but I didn’t have the money to cover all this. Hair alone was $100+.
I like to think the bride wasn’t a bridezilla but maybe just wasn’t being as thoughtful as she could have been. I asked if I could do my makeup and hair myself. She relented but asked if I could at least get my hair professionally done by her specified hair dresser.
I ended up paying for the hair and dress with money I didn’t have.
I know this kinda thing isn’t always top of mind when you’re young, but if you’re going to have a wedding where you demand ANYTHING from your bridesmaids. Please at least pay for it for them. And if you can’t afford it. Then maybe don’t demand it.
Edit:
- Really interesting to see the cultural differences between Europeans and Americans.
- re: those saying hair and dress is not that much to pay for. We also had to pay for a multi-day bachelorette party with expensive activities + hotel and travel.
- re: those saying “you could have just said no.” As someone older now, I agree. But at the same time, it’s not easy to tell someone you can’t be there for them because you don’t have the money.
In the UK it would be tacky to ask someone to be in your wedding and then have them pay. Bad manners and just not done. You want 20 bridesmaids, you’re buying 20 dresses.
It never occurred to us to have people pay to be in our wedding party. We paid for outfits, hair, pre-parties, and gifts, just to say Thank You for being a part of the wedding.
I feel like social media has turned people into monsters in regards to weddings.
Interesting. We got married in upstate NY in 1974. Just talked to my wife and she said the bridesmaids did pay for their dresses but she provided makeup and hair.
Was in a wedding a few years ago and this was the situation for us as well. It was also a “this is the fabric and color, pick what style you like best” situation for the dresses, we could wear whatever appropriate shoes and jewelry we wanted, and most importantly the bride picked a dress shop she knew was in everybody’s budget. Seemed fair to us.
Same in Italy. Well, we actually didn't have 'bridesmaids' until very recently, it's seen as more of an American/social media/pop culture inspired thing. The "done" thing was having a witness each if you were getting married at the courthouse, up to two per spouse in church. I had a wedding party, including this British friend, but I absolutely paid for attire and if they were coming from another city/country, transport and accommodation.
What? When? Where? You (very) probably misunderstood. No wedding I have ever attended did that. (My own not at all). There's an old saying in Italy which hints to the fact that "weddings pay for themselves" (with the amount of gifts received.) But that's definitely not to be taken literally, and certainly not in modern times (everyone is struggling).
If you were giving money and NOT a physical gift, you’d want to give enough to cover at least the two meals that you and your #2, ate at the wedding!
Some ppl can only give $50. When I’ve given money, it has always been enough for the meals spent and plus some. I can give more, so it’s not a problem for me. Most meals are at least $25-$30, each.
Agreed. You cover as many of the costs of your wedding party as possible (certainly including clothing, but also hair and makeup, any new accessories, florals, etc, and even accommodation if you need them there early). Also, you don't need to have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen because they don't process in pairs in our weddings. If the bride has her sister and a niece, and the groom wants his entire rugby pack supporting him, that's fine.
On the flip side, Brits tend to have a cash bar, and "evening only" invitations are routine.
Agreed! If you want something a certain way you pay for it in the UK/Ireland. Dresses. Hair. Makeup.
I was a bridesmaid for a North American wedding and she made a show of gifting us the makeup. Girl I don't want it? I'm not thankful for something you should have paid for anyway.
I loathe weddings for this reason. Even as a guest or part of the family you’re expected to buy a gift, buy a formal outfit you probably won’t wear again, shoes & accessories to go with, pay for travel and/or hotel if it’s far from your home then at the wedding there’s refreshments to pay for after the meal - it gets very expensive all for one day. I’m not trying to sound mean, just more I’m not really a very formal clothes person so it’s a waste, you’ve got things like a hair cut/colour beforehand ect. I’m all for just letting people go presentable in their own style, if you want specific style/colours you pay for it.
I'm in the UK. I paid for hair but let my bridesmaids wear the dresses they already had, as long as they agreed on a colour scheme (they chose blue). Photos looked amazing. We did each other's makeup
I’m from Canada and unfortunately, it’s pretty common in my province to make your wedding party pay and make your guests pay. I agree with you, I find this super tacky
This happened to me, as a single parent at the time there was no chance I was wasting over $1500 on someone not my son. Friend was super upset about it but I honestly didn’t give it a second thought. That’s a trip, sports equipment and Christmas gifts.
I know people LOVE to say "it's not a summons!" "you can say no!" which is all true, BUT that is also tone-deaf to the fact that a lot of people DO feel pressured to say yes to the bride and groom, and people do get called "UnSupporTive" in weddit subs every single day for not performing giddiness for months and months, planning tons of extra parties over and over, and paying for shit that isn't theirs to pay for, and going out of their way to travel to destination they can't afford.
Sure they can say no, but the bride/groom should also maybe not put them in a situation where they have to say no and feel bad about it? Where I come from, you pay for your own wants like an adult and don't expect your friends to pay up for your costumes that you want for your aesthetic and make yourself out to be some kind of super generous friend for "at least I paid for her hair".
There is nuance to every situation, I admit, so a blanket statement doesn’t apply to every single scenario.
That said, if someone is truly a friend, one invited to be in the wedding party knows what sort of wedding it will be and can realistically gauge whether it is affordable to participate when asked. And further, that friend/family member should accept a polite declination. If those don’t hold true, are they a proper friend worth holding onto?
This is far too sensible to be on Reddit. The only downside to this approach is the “knows what sort of wedding it will be and can realistically gauge whether it is affordable to participate when asked”. That relies on good communication between the bride/groom and their bridesmaids/groomsmen. Often when people are asked to be bridesmaids/groomsmen the couple hasn’t decided on many of the details of the wedding yet so one might not inherently know what one is committing to. It would be logical and sensible if all of the requirements and obligations were given right up front, but if they’re unknown at the time or the bride/groom is uncomfortable talking about money and favour stuff directly to their potential bridesmaids/groomsmen, that might not happen irl, humans being human
I was in a wedding hair and makeup down by her chosen make up artist was optional.
She then sent a very large Pinterest board of how our hair and makeup should be done (along with what shoes and jewelry we had to wear and what color to paint our nails)
I did my own hair makeup. I could she didn’t like how I did my hair and makeup.
The brides curls fell by pictures right after the ceremony
It’s always wild to me that people need their bridal party to look a specific way. All anyone cares about is if the bride is pretty. Does it matter if your bridesmaids have regular hair?
I dyed my hair from purple to brunette for one of the weddings - wasnt asked I just knew I would stick out like a sore thumb and my hair would likely clash with the dress. If it was asked of me though I would be pissed hahaha.
I asked my friend if she wanted me to dye my purple front pieces to a normal color and wear my hair down to cover my shaved sides (I have a mohawk). She said she wanted me to look like myself and I almost cried on the spot lol
This!! Three of my bridesmaods dye their hair, two of them are rainbow hair people and one is usually box red. I told them all I'm asking is that it gets touched up within two weeks of the wedding because I want my friends to be vibrantly, beautifully themselves. I also did ask them to get a specific dress, but it's $40 and I know it's hella comfy because I own it and it's the most comfortable dress I own. I'm not getting my hair professionally done, not doing makeup, they can do whatever they want lol.
Geez, I just told my two bridesmaids to wear whatever they wanted; i couldn't imagine asking my best friends to wear some bridesmaid monstrosity. And I cannot imagine caring what they did for hair or makeup. They're my dear friends, not actors on a set.
I told my brides hey my hair will not hold a curl, ill be needing an updo or ill look like a rat. Like, MANY professional stylists have marveled at my slightly wavy hair refusing to hold curls.
Both dngaf and were down with that. I also said gimme a dress I can wear a bra with.
I strongly identify with this: my hairdresser once styled my hair in curls at the end of a cut-and-blowdry, and it was straight before I got back to my car.
For my wedding day I had a moderately complex updo with curls pinned to my head to make a voluminous bun. She used a lot of setting lotion and I was under the helmet dryer for ages etc etc. And the first curls she undid were gone before she had finished letting down the rest.
I never understand why bride feel the need to dictate bridesmaid nail polish color ? I can understand things like dresses, accessories and even shoes but nail color ?
I agree with you on some points such as hair and makeup.
My heyday of being a bridesmaid was in the late 80s to late 90s. Buying the dress, and maybe the matching dyed shoes (we would buy dye able shoes and mail or give them to the bride who would have them dyed to the dress color) was about the most we were expected to do. I expected to pay my own travel expenses. A few times I had free places to stay ( at my parents or place my parents were staying, once a few of us stayed in the apartment the bride still had while transitioning to the groom's apartment and she stayed with her parents the night before and some bridesmaids stayed in her apartment). I got lucky for two weddings as my mother made all the dresses for the bridal party in my two sisters' weddings. She even made my own wedding dress.
Professional hair and makeup were not a thing. Sometimes the bride had her hair done at her salon in the morning.
As for bachelorette parties, they were local and one didn't usually attend if they weren't local unless they chose to travel for it. It wasn't expected though.
I'm so glad I'm not of the age to be a bridesmaid anymore. So many expectations and expenses. I am a firm believer that hair and makeup should absolutely be paid by the bride and be optional ad well. Bachelorette parties should be local but as long as everyone agrees on travel (and aren't bullied into agreeing) then travel is acceptable as long as a budget is agreed on and followed.
I saw a thread several months ago where a bride was upset because none of her bridesmaids would agree to spend more than $100 and others agreed that was not reasonable. One bride even said "my girls would never do that to me". There was such an entitlement that if they are real friends they'll spend the money. This is absolutely ridiculous. Just because you are getting married doesn't mean your friends have to spend lots of money.
Seriously. You (general "you") are supposedly asking these ladies to stand with you because you love them & they are important to you. NOT because you want a bunch of dolled up clones standing there. If the bride wants some crazy coordinated fancy ass hair & make up, she should be footing the bill for it. Last time I was a bridesmaid, we all got our hair done by the same lady at the salon & the bride paid. We weren't even doing anything fancy. We all went to do it together as a bridal party event (had mimosas, etc.), but it wasn't required of us.
Hard agree! This really damaged my relationship with my college bestie. We both got married (for the first time) right out of college and were super young and broke….as are most people in their early 20s!
The problem was she didn’t seem to take this into account at all- she got married at a really expensive venue (paid for by family), and wanted her bridesmaids to get dresses that were around $200 each. I know that doesn’t sound as ridiculous in today dollars but at the time that was grocery money for my then- husband and I for the MONTH.
I got married at 26, and I asked my bridesmaids to wear a knee-length ish black dress, could be something they already owned. Whatever heels or flats they wanted. I treated them to manicures and I gave them the info of the hair/makeup artist if they wanted to get it professionally done. I was fine with them doing their own hair and makeup to save money too.
These simple directions probably resulted in great pictures and an event where your wedding party felt comfortable and presentable in clothes that they liked. It created no awkwardness or resentment. You had a uniform look of nice black dresses that contrasted the bride‘s white one. It sounds classy and photogenic. And a lot more fun for your guests than so many weddings we hear about !
Thanks! They all seemed happy about it, had no complaints. I know some wore dresses they already owned, and my MOH bought a new dress for the occasion, but that was completely her choice.
Three of my bridesmaids who were well-employed paid for their dresses, and I secretly paid for the fourth one’s dress because she was undergoing serious financial hardship at the time. I chose a very reasonably-priced dress shop and we agreed on black gowns with necklines which flattered all of them with the idea that it would be a dress they could wear again in future to any formal event with it being a neutral colour/design (which they would, as they were all professionals and had lots of formal events to attend). They could wear whatever shoes they wanted which would be comfortable for the long day, even high tops. No one would see their shoes under the long skirts. We all did our own makeup and each paid for our own hair on the wedding day but I supplied champagne and OJ. Nails they could do as they liked or leave au natural. I bought us all lunch and Cosmopolitans before the ceremony, and gave them all nice gifts before and after as a thank you (including lingerie items and bottles of cologne that we could all wear on the wedding day). This was in Canada in the early 2000s. I was so worried about being a Bridezilla as that show had just come out lol so I did my best to be reasonable.
It has also spilled over to the guests. The specific colors they want them to wear, asking for black tie for a barn wedding etc. because the “hosts” has a vision. The “guests” are already using their time, sometimes hiring sitters, taking time off work and then expected to bring a substantial gift
This is an extra level of insane. Dress codes on invites are meant to help people know the mood and formalness of an event so they can fit in. They are meant to help guests. Guests are not extras for a movie where you can demand a specific wardrobe.
"extras for a movie" is exactly it for some weddings... I went to a wedding where the ceremony was outside at the end of July and the historical average temp is 110 degrees..... Dress code was black tie. Actual tuxes and gowns were required. Bride and groom had drones, fireworks. It truly felt like we were just extras in the bride's movie. There was even a champagne tower. But all of us were fucking miserable. Dinner and dancing was outside, it felt like Satan's asshole.
Being a bridesmaid today has gotten very expensive. I don't remember it being this way. Now, when you accept a bridesmaid position, they expect you to pay for a bachelorette party, shower, dress, shoes, hair and make up and numerous other things. I would just decline because I can't afford all that.
I'm super non-confrontational but when my sister got engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid, I delicately told her that I was not the right person for the job (we're not close). She looked disappointed but I dodged that bullet for sure!
I would be really ashamed of any bride in my family who actually insisted, that ANY member of the bridal party, male or female, had to cover the purchase of clothing/hair/makeup that they insisted on them wearing.
What irks me is the expensive bachelorette stuff, the one wedding I was in the bride expected us to all go to a spa for the entire day and have multiple services done, which would have been several hundred dollars each. IIRC, she also expected us to split her own spa services between the bridesmaids. When she found out that none of us could afford it, she cancelled the whole thing and pouted.
Expecting your friends to all do an expensive outing with you as a pre-party before your party is pretty indulgent, unless you know those friends and know it’s the kind of thing they would all spend money on normally.
Inviting them to it and then asking them to pay your bill is just madness.
Ugh. The last bachelorette shindig I went to, we all met at the bride/groom's house to pre-party. The bridesmaids all made food, brought in booze, & hired the stripper. Then we went bar-hopping & everyone was buying drinks for the bride. Easy peasy & a lot more fun than some spa day bs (I am not a spa girl at all).
In my early 20s I was a bridesmaid. We did our own damn hair and makeup because the bride already knew what we looked like and it wasn't all about ThE pHoToS then. She trusted us. Otherwise she wouldn't have asked us to be part of the wedding. We were grown ass women who knew how to wear nice hair and makeup. We did have to buy the bridesmaid dresses, around $140 I think.
ETA: Now that I think about it, I did my own damn makeup for my own wedding too! I didn't want to not look like myself on my wedding day! I did get my hair professionally done though.
This is a great point. You are asking these people to stand up for you at your wedding as witnesses and to support you in your marriage. That’s a pretty important request. But you don’t trust them to do their own hair?
For the poor 20-somethings finding themselves in this spot (that committing to being in the wedding party will put you in debt):
"I'm so sorry: I can't afford to."
If the bride is truly your friend and really wants you there as part of the wedding, she will budget you in.
A true friend will also be mortified that she asked you to spend so much that you would end up in debt.
Yeah, to be honest great friends when they’ve asked me to be a bridesmaid it doesn’t come with a sense of obligation. Bad friends when they asked me to be a bridesmaid you can feel the pressure from day dot. Had to say no but it’s worth it to say no to the second group.
Here it sound very considered very rude to expect people to pay. The B&G cover all expenses that their attendants would not have had if they were coming as guests (eg clothes, shoes, other accessories, professional hair and make up, and extra nights or specific accommodation that was not the free choice of the guests).
We got married almost 35 years ago.
My Mom and Dad paid for the dresses,shoes, simple lunch afterwards and I paid for the ribbons for the flower girl.
Had three hundred guests. Used left over table decor from another wedding.
My Mom paid the cake decorater for the supplies she used, and for the time she took to make it.
It’s the over the top bachelorette weekends for me. Last wedding I was in I had told the bride right away that I couldn’t travel or do any overnights for pre-wedding stuff. One other bridesmaid was in the same boat. The other 3 still badgered us relentlessly about planning trips despite us encouraging them to just exclude us. It made the whole thing so stressful.
I was a very broke recent college grad with a lot of student loan debt. The bride wanted us to get our hair done for her wedding, and I dropped $90 to get my very short hair done. I cried in my car after.
Yes. I really don’t think it was a bridezilla thing, I think she just wasn’t really considering that other people have different financial constraints and was simultaneously young and excited about her own wedding. I don’t hold it against her, but I just thought about this after reading some of the posts on this subreddit.
I was a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding almost 20 years ago. The bride said we’d be paying for our own hair, dresses and shoes, etc. She ordered the dresses for us 4 bridesmaids and then said her mom generously offered to pay for them. Cool! Except we all ordered size small and they sent 3 smalls and a medium. I of course ended up with the medium and had to pay to have it tailored which cost more than the actual dress. Had to buy specific shoes too.
Bride insisted we all get professionally done hair at a salon after she got her makeup done. Then she complained to us that none of us bridesmaids offered to pay for her hair or professional make up and it was normal for the bride to not pay for those?! What?! I didn’t have a lot of money at the time and I literally had to drain my bank account for this wedding including dress, shoes, hair, bridal shower, bachelorette party, hotels, food and gifts for all those events lol And she was so ungrateful the entire time. There were over 200 ppl at the wedding and her parents paid for the entire thing too.
I’m getting married this Halloween and I have 1 bridesmaid who is my best friend. I didn’t want it to be stressful or a financial burden on her at all like it was for me when I was a bridesmaid (because it shouldn’t!!!) so I’m paying for her hair and make up and my moms as well. I also told her she could wear whatever dress she felt beautiful in and when she told me she bought one, I immediately reimbursed her for it plus the cost of having it tailored. This is MY wedding and it shouldn’t financially drain someone else to be a part of it.
I wouldn’t even spend that kind of money on hair and makeup for my own wedding. I’m not really a makeup girl, but I watched YouTube tutorials and then practiced doing my hair and makeup myself in the weeks before like I was studying for a final. It looked great and served me well; none of my friends asked me to do my hair or makeup professionally for any of their weddings after that!
I became a bridesmaid for a close friend knowing it was going to cost me money, but I definitely underestimated how much. The bride was sweet, but I don’t think it really occurred to her how much she was actually asking of her friends- the weekend bachelorette was in a tourist town less than an hour away, but everyone was expected to stay over to keep costs down, and instead of going in late spring as planned, it was moved to the height of summer, making it that much more expensive. And one day we randomly got a message from the MoH asking for like $150-200 for the shower venue, which had barely been mentioned previously, let alone the fact that we were funding it.
Her MoH was super supportive of every decision, so I think the bride just thought what she was asking was normal, and I was the only one who directly brought up having trouble with the financial expectations (despite talking to other girls who definitely were having issues), so I think she just thought I was an outlier.
Thankfully, no one’s asked me to be a bridesmaid since, but if I’m asked again, I’ll being going into it with much more caution.
My bridesmaids paid for their dresses. I kept it very budget friendly. I paid for shoes and had them dyed to match (1988) as well as elbow length gloves. My mom made the hairpieces which were hair combs with a fluff attached (not cheesy). Day of wedding my aunt and another friend came over to help with hair and makeup.
Can you see the little blue poof of netting above the big hairdo?
We had netting to match the dresses and gloves, and my mother sewed them on to clear hair combs in a gathered poof. I swear, each one was like a yard of netting.
After the hair was teased and sprayed with a can of AquaNet (one can each for six bridesmaids) we stuck the little poof back there.
That is OUTSTANDING! I am just giggling over the full lineup of poofy 80s hair in the brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde row (please tell me that was done on purpose)! And the shiny groomsmen! And the mini-bride flowergirl! Every single thing is fabulous!
It almost makes me want to have bridesmaids for my wedding now, but I firmly believe the most important thing about a wedding is to have the wedding that fits you (and that guests will enjoy).
And now it’s also “pay for this destination bachelorette party weekend (or longer) and cover all the bride’s costs for this expensive trip she’s demanding.”
Once, a bride told me "hair and makeup are $150 each. Remember you're an adult with money now."
I completely ignored that text and when she sent a screenshot of her talking with another friend about hair and makeup, I noticed that friend said "oh count me in!" And asked "How much do I owe you?"
Bitch must have learned from my lack of response that her method would not work well with.... anyone.
Yeah, I’ve been there vibe-killing bridesmaid on a budget before. My bride was a little more chill, and while she wanted everyone to have their hair and makeup done, it wasn’t mandatory, but I was the only person that did my own makeup. I think I did a better job on my own makeup than the MUA did on some of the bridesmaids, though.
I will repeat myself on this issue because it affects friendships and marriages. Go to a courthouse with a couple witnesses, and tip the officiant. Whee, you’re married. Spend your money on the honeymoon. The ceremony itself takes no time, but debt from a gigantic wedding can end a relationship. If you feel a need to celebrate with other people, throw a BBQ, or take them out to dinner. It’s been 40 years of a great marriage, and I know the score!
I think the best weddings I’ve been to have been the ones where the party part of it was a scrubbed up version of how the couple liked to entertain anyhow
My daughter got married last year. We chose specific hairdressers.
Make up artists and Dresses.
We paid. . And we should!
It’s the right thing to do. 👍
People are nuts. When I flew over for my best friend's wedding (we don't live in the same country), she didn't make me pay for anything. She didn't even want me to buy her a gift, because I was one of the few out-of-the-country folks who were attending, and I stayed in her house because she didn't want me to be out money for a hotel on top of my plane tickets.
My daughter is getting married in May. She is encouraging her bridesmaids to thrift dresses and accessories. Hair and makeup are being done be each other. Shoes, I’m not sure about., beyond thrifted if possible.
How is this still even close to culturally acceptable, still? I didn’t even have bridesmaids. Who needs that degree of power and control over other people? I was certainly particular about certain (non-human) elements of my wedding but I gotta say I don’t get demanding things of people at all, let alone doing that and making them pay. Bizarro to me
I married over a decade ago. Organised the whole wedding with my then husband and my mum (mostly mum because he lived over 1k km from the venue of the wedding then).
We covered all the costs of the wedding including most meals for people who came from afar and stayed before and after the wedding. We were just happy that people were able to come and enjoy this special moment with us, we never asked for their help, money or anything (except one close friend who helped language wise..).
I am still flabbergasted each time I read about all the expectations towards the guests, bridesmaids and especially the money all that costs the guests.
Let’s be honest - everyone is happy for the couple who marries, but it’s just one wedding amongst so much the guests will attend. The day is really special for the couple and their closest family (parents, siblings, grandparents). The guests are.. the guests and not some kind of background (see all expectations regarding the dress code) or walking wallets (if you don’t have the money to pay the wedding.. well organise a small one you can afford) or NPCs.
Also I attended my fair share of weddings and honestly keep only a vague souvenir of them. The best one was organised in a small Airbnb (to use current vocabulary) where we spent the weekend with the couple (it was friends only). Disguised as someone from comic books. Preparing the food together. Super simple but super fun !
My stepdaughter was in a wedding party and it was demanded that she buy a pair of very high-heeled Manolo Blahniks that were too uncomfortable to wear for more than a few minutes so that when people were looking at the bridesmaids from the back everyone would see the red bottoms of their shoes and “know that they were Blahniks”. She thought that was ridiculously expensive, impractical, and a waste of money, and said no. A firestorm from Bridezilla ensued but she held her ground. Was proud of her for that.
It’s not the 1990s or 2000s anymore. You could do those things back then. Paying for gifts, showers and bachelorettes, hair, dresses, nails, makeup, yeah it’s a lot. But back then it was way less of a financial hit.
The industry doesn’t want to admit that so they convince people that big weddings with all the uniqueness and extras are the only way to go.
But now, it’s impossible for many people with the cost of living in Western nations. I know soooo many people who are getting married, 5 at my workplace and 1 at my gym, and 75% of them have told me they’re having super small weddings or eloping. Because of the cost for everyone.
Yeah the wedding industry has done this to themselves. Finding ways to squeeze money out of every facet of the event when people have less money to spend on things with every passing year.
I’m in the Midwest US and was a bridesmaid three times and a bride once, all right around the late 1990s/early 2000s. It was customary for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses and shoes as well as hair and makeup.
The hope was that the bride would choose something affordable. It didn’t always work out that way!
At that time it was becoming common to choose a color and some parameters around style (mine were “gray, long and no strapless”) and let them choose their own dress — that way they could find something in their price range, borrow something, etc. I asked that they style their hair in some way and scheduled our salon appointments for people who wanted them but I didn’t require they did it professionally, and I didn’t require any particular type of shoe as long as it was black and dressy (I thought they’d likely already have something as we were all fully in the wedding years). If I were doing it over again I’d do black dresses or give a color range so it would be easier to find something they liked.
This was before the days of extravagant long-weekend bachelorette trips, however — we did a slumber party at my apartment. I think maybe the expectation that the bride pays for the dress, shoes, etc. is because weddings have become weekend-long affairs and bachelorette parties aren’t barhopping in a limo anymore, they’re big trips requiring plane tickets and hotel stays. If people are expected to pay for that much, the bride springing for the look makes sense.
The only thing I've asked my bridesmaids to buy is their dress and shoes. I picked a fabric from Azazie and let them pick whatever they wanted since it's a more budget friendly option and for shoes, we're all wearing sparkly keds.
I bought their jewelry, paying for their makeup, and asked them to wear their hair down so they don't have to pay for a professional stylist. I didn't feel comfortable asking them to pay more than $150 total to be in my wedding.
This is exactly why I don’t have a specific dress my BMs are wearing, I gave them colors and rules the dress has to follow but nothing hyper specific other than colors. I also am not going to demand they get hair or makeup done professionally unless I am paying. I can’t imagine demanding my closest friends pay for things that “I” want to see on them
My daughter’s wedding was last year. The bridesmaids did pay for their shoes and dress but I paid for makeup and hair including for the groom’s mother. I also catered lunch for everyone including for the hair and makeup people. The wedding party had enough expenses.
We are not all inclined to argue with a bride. Some of us just simply judge people who ask when what they really are doing is demanding. It was rude to "ask".
yah, you should have stepped down. for bridal party, buying the dress is very normal, h&m can be too. I agree so many brides take things way to far but her asks weren't egregious, so just attend as a guest.
If you step back and try to remove the US filter from your thinking, you will understand that it is actually despicable to demand your friends to pay for an aesthetic you want, and on top of the dress demanding special hair and make-up....
I am not going to dispute you, however it is not even just common, it is 100% the norm for every bridesmaids to buy a dress that the bride approves. Generally, it is the polite thing to do for the bride to provide dress options that are very affordable ~$100 or less and not require H&M if the bride won't cover it. If you don't want to spend any money on the wedding, then just attend as a guest.
It's like complaining that you have to buy books for a college course- like yah, it's annoying and money grubbing but it's just how it is.
My sister's wedding wasn't hugely over the top, but I wasn't in a position to be able to dump hundreds of dollars into participating. Partly because she had been living with me, and I was covering the cost of the apartment by myself when she moved out. Didn't have a problem with that, of course she moved, but mom having fits about the situation was a bit much. My sister saw no problem with it, because she's a reasonable person.
just so absolutely insane to me that this is the norm. and yes i’ve been in many weddings and paid for unflattering dresses hair and makeup many times. i can’t fathom ever even asking a friend or anyone to get their hair and makeup done or wear something specific without at least offering to cover the cost if they can’t afford…at the VERY least!
Every wedding I’ve been in I’ve had to pay for my bridesmaid dress. Hair has been paid for twice. Make up once (with hair). I had to pay for professional hair and make up once and two times did it myself. I always assume to pay for the dress since I’m keeping it. After the second wedding I was in, I (graciously) asked before accepting what kind of all in budget were we expected to spend as bride’s maids. It’s the extravagant bachelorettes I couldn’t take on. I declined one invite because it was a deal breaker. Two others the bachelorette was optional. I think you just have to be honest and ask questions. If your friend is already making outrageous financial decisions from the drop it will probably only go up from there. Don’t go into debt over a wedding. Especially if it’s not even your own!
my boyfriend is paying almost $300 to rent a specific tux to be a groomsmen on top of contributing to the bachelor trip and whatever we’re going to gift them. the wedding is “black tie optional,” and just based on knowing the venue and catering, there’s no way the wedding is under 6 figures.
I told my bridesmaids they couple pick out their own dress as long as 1) it was peacock green 2) was below the knee. I knew some bridesmaids could only afford a $30 dress, so I made this easier for them.
I told everyone to wear tasteful jewelry, makeup, and shoes in their style and to be creative and themselves.
I had a hair stylist booked for myself, and offered to let people pick times before hand, I just couldn’t afford to pay for that after paying out of pocket for everyone at my own “bachelorette weekend” (I was pregnant so we had a board game night, painted nails, went to a nice sit down restaurant for Italian food) and I already had bridesmaids gifts I gave out the day before the wedding. I hand made everyone’s bouquets out of fake silk flowers w hand embroidered handkerchiefs (the ones meant not to smear makeup) and a friendship bracelet made out of nice glass beads w specialized charms for each of my bridesmaids.
I still had a bridesmaid cancel her hair appt a day before the wedding, that I already paid for in advance. Thank god my matron of honor stepped into the slot but fuck. I’m not friends w this girl anymore, she accused me of child abuse and called Cps on me bc I have a medical marijuana card due to severe neurological disability. I had another bridesmaid cancel the day of my 300 guest Jewish wedding bc of a cold. She hasn’t answered my messages since.
Anyways, moral of the story is:
There are ways for even broke ass brides to make things easier for the bridesmaids, to make things affordable while still sentimental and helping her friends feel equally as beautiful on a bride’s special day. Idk man I think the expectations brides have of their friends during this process can be too much. Some people are rude, some people are ungrateful. Trying to learn how to avoid these people in the future too OP
I did ask that my bridesmaids buy their dress and pay for their hair, but I sourced out dresses that weren't crazy expensive but were still lovely, and a local hair salon I'd always gone to that gave me a good rate. Maids could wear whatever shoes they wanted to as long as they were all the same colour, and they could do their own makeup however they wanted to.
I paid for everything for my bridesmaids when I got married in 2008. Dresses, hair, makeup, hotel accommodation for the night before and the night of the wedding. I didn't think it was fair to ask them to pay out-of-pocket for anything. I didn't have a bachelorette party (they didn't plan anything, and I wasn't wanting to add any extra expenses to host my own) and they didn't plan me a bridal shower either, so my mother in law swooped in at the last minute and held a small get-together. Looking back, maybe I should have asked them to pay for some of it because I definitely missed out on the "bride" experience of having those two celebrations with them lol.
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u/TechnicalEducator168 19d ago
In the UK it would be tacky to ask someone to be in your wedding and then have them pay. Bad manners and just not done. You want 20 bridesmaids, you’re buying 20 dresses.