Family Drama
Late Photographer, Forced Birthday Celebrations, Momzilla, Secret Invites with Unknown Cancellations
My wedding in 2017. And Holy Crow, buckle up for the drama!
For starters, me and now husband paid for our wedding out of pocket with no financial aid from family or friends. Did lots of DIY for cost savings. And it turned out gorgeous! Ceremony was a dream. The rest was a NIGHTMARE.
I was in nursing school and living at home. My mother could not butt out of planning. Because shipments were coming to our house, she would accept them while I was at school and immediately return products if she didn’t like the decor. SO many fights as it took extra expenses to cover return costs and reorder to get back our supplies. We did eventually change shipping address to now husbands address to end that ridiculous BS.
While looking for a venue, we wanted to go to a town hall for reception that had sentimental value to now husband. I don’t know what possessed us, but we gave the ok to my mom coming at her request. She didn’t like it. Said it looked like a bowling alley. Wasn’t to the “standard” of our family and would embarrass her (not accurate as all it would take is drapes with lighting along the walls to set the tone). Huge outdoor area with a park for families and a country view of a basilica in the background that’s regionally famous and looks like a castle. Just peaceful and beautiful. But she threw a tantrum. Started screaming at the staff there, swearing at them, stomping her feet, threatening to disown me, balling, going in and out slamming the door. We already put down the deposit. But after the staff watched her dramatics, they pulled us aside and made excuses as to why they couldn’t host us and refunded our deposit. We lost our dream site. In the parking lot my mom laughed and said we’d thank her later. It was devastating.
The invites were also a disaster. I had already sent them out with my parents address listed for RSVP. The closer we got to the deadline for RSVPs, I noticed people I didn’t know responding…We had received a few notices of being unable to attend; my now husband and I agreed those openings would go to him as he didn’t have as many invites left for friend due to him having a larger family.
Something was fishy. I interrogated my mom. Turns out she was running to the mailbox every day, opening RSVPs, hiding ones that couldn’t come, then sending invites to her personal friends INCLUDING PEOPLE ON MY “ABSOLUTELY NOT INVITING” LIST because I had very bad relationships with them. By the time I knew, we reached full capacity and it was too late. My now husband was screwed over and we were beyond pissed she stole those seats from him. But we were in the 9th hour and it was too late to change things as it was a week from the wedding.
Then set up. My mom wanted an alcohol free reception. We were having a luncheon and were supplying beers. When friends who were helping set up came with cases of beers, she threw a hissy fit; cussing them out, balling we didn’t love her, stomping her feet, claiming I had zero respect for her. Too bad so sad. That was a gift from my FIL so he could share some beers with close friends. And we’re not a dry household. Perfectly appropriate for a luncheon.
Day of disaster. We hired a photographer that we didn’t know at the time was a friend of my moms (they hid that fact to manipulate the hiring so my mom could dictate photos behind the scene). I had met with photographer prior and outlined very specific photos we wanted and emphasized we only had an hour because we weren’t going to make our guests wait to eat.
Photographer showed up 90 minutes late with the excuse of having a cold and that it was her birthday so she had “an excuse” 🤬🙄😤 The groomsmen got 15 minutes of photos (thank God they turned out nice). After the ceremony, photographer initially refused to do our requested photos. Later found out my mom gave a different list of photos to do. AGAIN, WE PAID FOR THE PHOTOGRAPHER. We actually had to fight and threaten violation of the contract before she’d do our photos. By then, we had 15 minutes before needing to leave for reception.
Then the literal icing on top of the cake. At our reception unannounced, my mom stopped the start of the luncheon and brought out a birthday cake for our photographer and prompted the ENTIRE room to sing her happy birthday before lunch. We were LIVID. And after all of this, my mom had the gall to go to my now husband at the reception to tell him he owed the photographer an apology for being so rude about making her take our requested pictures and making her feel bad on her birthday.
WOMAN, IT IS OUR WEDDING, OUR MONEY, OUR CONTRACT. If that photographer didn’t want to work on her birthday, she didn’t need to take the job.
THE AUDACITY.
We left for honeymoon the next day. I blocked my mom’s number knowing she’d keep her crap up. When I unblocked her number, 30 missed calls and 50 texts telling me how much we embarrassed her in front of her friends and how ungrateful we were.
Suffice to say I went no contact with her for a while (due to other issues too). We’re back in contact, but she is a very narcissistic woman. We have no qualms cutting her off if she doesn’t reign in bad behavior.
Lol, it was a time. Really soured the experience for us. If we had known, we would have eloped and had a party to celebrate. But we’re coming up on 10 years, have a gorgeous child, and continue to love one another through all the ups and downs in life. And watching my now husband go off on my mom that day boosted my mood, making our first dance joyful as he conveyed his group of friends was pulling her aside in another room to tell her to tone it down or be escorted out ❤️😍
I don't think I would have put up with this. After losing the venue I would have told my mom she's not coming end of. Then block her. This whole thing could have been avoided if Op just blocked her from the get go. I'm not really sure why people put up with this, other than a lifetime of conditioning.
I get where you’re coming from, but it’s not always that cut and dry. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was in a lifelong cycle of abuse with both parents. My now husband was urging me to move in with him during all of this. Unfortunately, there were outside influencers that were also impacting my clarity of thought. My dad was relapsing and I was made to feel I had to stay living at home to take care of him — They told me it was triggered by my leaving the family and getting married so I owed them the time before I left to help. I was also really stressed in school.
The wedding had major issues, but also marked my day of freedom and the start to healing — huge part in thanks to my husband! I’m now in a fabulous place with an amazing family 🤗 I know it sounds insane to be in contact with my parents, but believe me that it’s essentially talking about the rain in group settings and social media connections. They’re aware we will cut off contact at any time with no explanation. It works for us. And therapy does wonders!
I had to have a friend basically follow my husband around before the ceremony because I was certain his mom wouldn’t let him come. The woman hates me for no reason - other than I “stole her baby” of course. She lives many states away and can’t afford to travel, so thankfully I haven’t had to interact with her much in 23 years, but if she lived closer, she would be a true nightmare.
She was planning to move the family at the end of the summer that we got married and, as far as I can figure, she thought he would just come along. I had a custody agreement with my ex, I couldn’t go anywhere, and my husband was like “why would I move away from my wife?” The day after we got back from our honeymoon (3 days at a hotel in town), there were at least 5 messages from her, all variations of “I guess you don’t love your family anymore” because he didn’t call her 🙄. I was so proud when he called her back and said that I and my kid are also his family and she needed to get used to it.
She was so against us as a family that she literally kidnapped them. She bought bus tickets for my husband and our 2 kids to visit, saying she had bought round trip ones. Once they got to her place, surprise! No return tickets, lame excuses made all around. She kept saying she would buy them with her next check. No dice. I was able to talk to him daily, and he was getting mad about the whole thing (he never thought she’d be this blatant). After 2 weeks, I called my mom for help; we don’t have “short notice plane ticket” money. My mom got direct flight tickets and the number for the local FBI office (to be used if MIL didn’t bring them to the airport). She did, after much pouting, and the only visits that happen now are if we control the end date.
I’m forever grateful my mom is the kind of person to have a credit card with no limit and prime interest rates despite being lower to mid middle class.
Uh why wouldn’t they just Uber to the airport instead of using mom and
FBI would have laughed at you if you called and said “MIL didnt buy return tickets and my husband doesn’t have money to buy a bus ticket and now she wont drive them to the airport can you arrest her for kidnapping or make her drive them? “
Well, it’s interstate travel under false pretenses (she claimed she had the means to return them, but she knew she had no real intention of doing so), so kidnapping. We were broke AF (he could go be cause he didn’t have a job. I couldn’t because I did), thus asking my mom for plane tickets.
Also, it happened in 2004 or 2005, so Uber wasn’t a thing. Oh, and I’d love to see the cost of an Uber ride that’s 1500 miles long. It’s unreasonable from my town to the next, it would be unimaginably pricy to traverse 10 states.
Can you please let us know what the FBI says when you call about “interstate travel under false pretenses” and ask them to return a grown ass adult and kids.
Umm before uber there were taxis … and we meant an UBER TO THE AIRPORT since you mentioned MIL driving to the airport.
Legit unhinged you think the FBI would get involved with a broke ass adult husband not being able to afford a ticket back home and how that constitutes kidnapping.
It constitutes kidnapping because the entire reason he went was because his mom told us she had 2-way tickets. She did not have them, meaning she lied to get him and our children 1500 miles away from home (that’s, once again, illegal). Also, one of the kids was in a joint custody agreement with me and my ex, with limited permission for my husband to be his legal guardian for the duration of the trip. That’s a separate instance of kidnapping.
The trip to the airport was over an hour away from her house. How would we have had taxi money for that trip if we didn’t have plane ticket money?
yes it is. the woman paid for nothing and had no say. you should have uninvited her and cut her off. and, I'm not one to go immediately to cutting family off but you should have. you kept including her when she should have been benched.
It was 2 years NC and I needed a lot of therapy. Whole other can of worms! Long story short, abusive household growing up. My husband and I have very tight rules about visits. Threatening access to their grandchild generally is enough to keep her in line. If not, we keep our distance for a while.
Why would you even expose your child to one tenth of one percent of your mother when you know she's like this? Even with extensive therapy for yourself, why are you setting up the situation for your daughter to need the same in 20 years? You don't know what she says or does when you're not in the room, unless you're taking your daughter into the bathroom with you.
I think the best way to describe my son’s level of exposure is that she’s the “crazy aunt” at family gatherings. He didn’t meet her until he was older.
When I say I’m in contact, it’s more so that I accept calls/texts, will go to gatherings she’s at, and exchange gifts at holidays. My husband and son have the right to disengage at any time, and I go with them.
Oh goodness, you are so kind to have that empathy.
We laugh very, very hard now! But there will always be deep seated anger and hurt, especially surrounding the pre-wedding events. All I know is I’ve been extremely blessed! And wow, talk about a guy that loved me enough to see all that and knew he’d deal with her as a future MIL but still married me!!
Non native speakers usually make less mistakes like these (when you spell the word wrong because of how it’s pronounced), because we usually learn words in writing form first
Just wanted to point out it's "fewer mistakes", not "less mistakes". Generally you use "fewer" for things that can be counted and "less" for things that can be measured, although some exceptions exist.
I actually live in Wisconsin — it’s an unusual landmark and historic site. If you Google, I’m sure you’d come up with the basilica quickly. Highly, highly recommend visiting!
If it's Wisconsin I'm going to guess it's due to the high number of French-Canadian Catholics who migrated into Michigan and Wisconsin in the mid-late 19th century. (I've spent a lot of time researching my best friend's, my adopted daughter's and my husband French family. The Québec government keeps miticulous records.)
Based on you description of the basilica in the background that looks like a castle I almost instantly knew you were from Wisconsin. Has to be Holy Hill.
Thank you ❤️ We do laugh, but it is one of those memories with our friend group that they all hail as “what the hell?!” No one knew my mom’s true form until the wedding 😅
It took a long time and many failed attempts before resuming contact. Things stay surface level and she DOES NOT TOUCH PARTY DECOR. Fuck me if I even see a red solo cup in her hand!
Well she announced it on social media before me which was a huge bummer. Then got mad at me over my due date because it clashed with her 40th high school reunion. She genuinely was upset my potential of going into labor during the reunion would make it less special for her 🙄
I got second hand embarrassment that she had so much emotional investment in a high school reunion…
And it still is! But luckily with our new dynamic and having a much more distanced relationship, we’re mostly bystanders. It’s true popcorn eating reality TV in my family.
It is actually maniacal! I warned my husband when we met that my family is unstable (he comes from a solid set of parents). He did NOT expect that level of psychotic to come out. But Lordy, the fact he stuck by my side and it didn’t rattle him that that was going to be his MIL proved he was the one. 🎉
And this is just one life event. Oh my god, the book that could be written!!
Ok but also even if your parents had paid for the photographer it would’ve been ludicrous for a WEDDING photographer to refuse to do the photos that the COUPLE asked for! I hate to see family thinking that just because they contribute financially they get to decide exactly what happens at a wedding that’s not theirs
You guys are too tolerant. I would have found the list of people she had invited and send them all an uninvite. Even if the seats wouldn’t be taken, I simply will not tolerate assholes at my wedding. And that includes the mom too.
After she started returning your stuff, you should have immediately changed all addresses to hubby’s address.
Looking back, there’s so much I wish I had done differently.
I do have to say, our wedding ceremony was incredible!! The one thing she wasn’t able to get involved in. It was simple and beautiful. Everything we both dreamed of! And the ceremony was for us.
Not to downplay the rest of it, but we did have the approach that the reception was for the guests enjoyment. Our guests had a fantastic time, so that goal was met.
We definitely have a vow renewal in our future that will be mother-free 😉
Congratulations on making it 10 years! Most marriages don’t survive a mother like that. I’m glad the no contact worked or you’d be dealing with these problems with everything from baby’s first birthday to their wedding.
I think it helps that we’re both on the same page regarding my family. And his family adopted me from the start. They’re our true family and we live minutes away from them. His parents are the only set of grandparents we’re acknowledge for our son. I actually feel like a daughter. It’s been a great time!
But woof, we’ve been on the sidelines for some real crap that still goes down with my family 😅 For real have popped bags of popcorn while reading the family text message exchanges 😆
You might want to join us over at r/raisedbyborderlines. Jesus. I'm so sorry this demon is your mother, none of that is normal matronly behavior at a wedding.
She definitely deserves no contact at all. Especially when it comes to grandchildren. She does not deserve to have any access to them acting like that. You show people how to treat you.
I mentioned it in another comment above, but it was complicated. I didn’t know at the time, but I was in the middle of an abuse cycle with my parents. I still lived at home with them. My dad started relapsing and I was blamed as the trigger because of getting married & moving out. I ended up letting my mom get away with insanely bad behaviors because I felt like I owed them, stressed from school, and stressed planning the wedding.
My now husband was offering every day to have me move in with him to help me leave. I never accepted his offer because we only had a number months left before the wedding. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing by my parents. Now I know I was just getting manipulated by them again.
My sisters went through the hell of nursing school, and I can't imagine what a stress fiesta you had with school and your mom. Hugs to you and your husband for getting through the bullcrap with grace and a sense of humor. Props to the groom and his buddies for getting Mom away during your first dance. Y'all deserve an anniversary cruise away from her.
Yeah, those guys weren’t joking around. They were all lifelong friends and had been witness to momzilla during set up. We held on to hope for the reception until the impromptu birthday celebration. Then they took shifts monitoring her movements and created stalling tactics so she’d be late to arrival for main events. Fantastic set of gentlemen 🎉
You can relate to this video by comedian Trish Shur, her momma doesn't drink but hooo boy did she decide to go bat crap when her Navy Seal son got married:
https://youtu.be/01e_hu_x5Vs?is=pLFPjbP758Xf4wpW
BUT we found an insanely good deli that did catering. Because we opted for a luncheon, it was family-style with a serving line. Food was freaking amazing. Each plate was $4.00.
Thank you 🥰 We’ve gotten crankier as we’ve gotten older, but somehow we got a very smiley sunshine boy that lightens the days (when he’s not instigating tomfoolery).
My husband didn’t even tell me she had been late until we were looking at wedding photos a few years ago. He had always mentioned disappointment in running out of time in getting certain shots. I figured his groomsmen were just screwing around too much. He didn’t want to stress me out day of by saying anything.
When he told me, I got pissy realizing she breached the contract while giving extra attitude the whole day! By then, a little on the late side to pursue reimbursement. I was going to further smear her business online, but found out she left photography in early 2018…..
You should have a vow renewal for your 10 year anniversary and so everything you couldn't 10 years ago. I wouldnt invite your mother tho, or at the very least invite her last minute so she cant ruin anything (well apart from her utterly reprehensible behaviour of course)
For your vow renewal, if you have alcohol at your town hall venue and you successfully ban her from coming, I'd suggest a MIL drinking game, lol. Jk,you guys would be wasted in no time.
(However, I always thought vow renewals were after a super hard time in marriage like one person cheated and they were going to try to keep the marriage intact?!? I know that isn't always the case, but it has been many of them, even celebs. And then they get divorced soon after. Instead of a vow renewal, go for an awesome anniversary trip!!)
Also, balling isn't quite the word you are looking for, but it does sound the same and made me laugh at your mom more bc we think of her as a "baller" instead of crying.
I don’t think vow renewals have to be after hard times. Lots of my friends have had them to celebrate anniversaries as a mini second wedding for more intimacy or before starting another chapter in life (ie. Parenthood).
For us, it’s quiet reflection together and celebration of a decade of memories and weathering a lot of changes. A thanksgiving for having each other, because holy shit life is really hard!
And OMG, I’m just realizing my grammar error 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Whoops!!!
I have pediatric psych patients that are better adjusted than her…She has so much potential wasted in denial and self entitlement. Very glad we’re in a different place and the dynamic with her is arms length 👍
You let your mother ruin your wedding day. You should have put a stop to it when you lost the venue you wanted. But instead, you kept her in the loop. Red flags everywhere and you ignored them. I don't understand why people do this to themselves.
idk if you've heard of the YouTube channel called ShawnaTheMom but there's a character she does, Barb. the manipulativeness sounds exactly like something barb would do.
Your mom deserves to be pushed in front of an 18 wheeler on the highway. I’m so sorry that you had to deal with her. You did not deserve the way she treated you, and she honestly deserves to be alone forever unless she gets help.
I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but this was all your fault. You allowed your mother to run roughshod over you and your new husband and both of you just sat there and took it. I'm not sure what you felt you owed this woman and good for you for cutting her off...for awhile at least. But I'll never understand it. Story after story on here of "Momzilla ruined the wedding" and no one tried to stop her. It was your wedding...it was your day....you tell Marie Barone to sit down and shut up or she can stay home.
Oh gosh, absolutely not. Started off with that context because my mom didn’t have a financial investment that could have been used as an excuse. We were very happy to fund our wedding and pulled off a great event for a decent price 👍
I think the point was that Op and husband paid for it and yet the mom pretty much made it about her. And she got it too. She got the venue she wanted, the photos she wanted, the guests she wanted, the decor she wanted. The only thing Op "won" on, was a couple beers brought by husband's family.
Once I got the deposit back I probably would have cut off mom, started contacting guests, postponing, and ensuring mom didn't even know where the wedding would be. The fact she's even back in Ops life is crazy. She's going to do everything she can to fk up that poor grandchild.
I certainly did but who expects friends to contribute to the cost of a wedding and if you weren’t expecting friends to contribute, then why comment that friends provided no financial aid?
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u/1stjenniferlynn 25d ago
I would stay no contact. She’s delusional.