r/weddings • u/Turtle_Raider • 2d ago
Would you accept a wedding invitation if you were only invited when someone else cancelled?
In our friend group of 14 people, only two of us weren't invited to a friend's wedding ceremony, and I was one of them.
I knew the wedding was being planned because this friend would mention it during group calls and remind everyone to RSVP ASAP. At the time, I noticed I hadn't been invited, but I didn't think too much of it since we're not particularly close outside the group chat. We only play games together every now and then.
However, he recently invited me to the wedding, and the only reason I know why is because one of the people in the friend group who was originally invited cancelled since he couldnt attend.
Now I'm not sure how to feel about it. On one hand, I understand that we're not that close, so I wasn't expecting an invitation in the first place. On the other hand, knowing that I was only invited because someone else dropped out makes me feel like an afterthought.
How would you feel in this situation? Would you accept the invitation and go, or would you politely decline?
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u/Mordecai_Gist 2d ago
If I wanted to attend then I would accept. If I did not want to attend then I would politely decline.
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u/Primary_Bass_9178 2d ago
I agree with Mordecai - if it’s convenient ands sounds fun, by all means go.
However, I think bringing up the wedding and RSVPs in a group chat without personally talking to people not invited is incredibly rude.
I would not go for that reason alone, it would have been easy to call two people and explain the guest list is extremely limited and Let them know why they were not included.
I really don’t understand why 2 people out of a group are being excluded.
Giving a last minute invitation feels like a gift grab to me! I know weddings can get expensive and I know venues can have strict guest counts, but it seems really hurtful to exclude two people while continuing to talk about the wedding in a group chat with them.
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u/Mystery-Moon_0129 2d ago
And I agree with you! Anyway either invite the whole group from the very beginning or not at all. What an AH thing to do.
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u/EmilyB1995 2d ago
Agreed its totally weird, I went out of my way not to mention anything in the general channel of my group Discord and individually sent messages when needed. But if it sounds fun, OP might as well go and hang out with the rest of the group. Do a small gift or none at all and have a nice a time
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u/HamiltonBrand 2d ago
I would not mind one bit because
- you claimed you're not that close and are just game buddies.
- you wouldnt be hanging out with the bride and groom 95% of the time. you'd be making memories with your gaming buddies.
- assume it wasn't malice but a head count thing.
- above all else, you can just not go — but don't do it out of retalitation becuase you felt slighted. If you care so much, please have a beer with your friend and talk it over in private.
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u/Curious_Event4848 2d ago
I definitely think it was a headcount thing. Sometimes you have to make hard decisions when you are at capacity. I would understand if we weren’t as close.
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u/Response-Glad 2d ago
Very much this. I agree with other commenters that they should have talked to you about it directly before bringing it up in group chats you're in, but it doesn't actually reduce the sting of that at all to not go, you would just be spiteful. The money is likely gone for them either way so the only person you hurt not going is yourself.
You understand why you weren't invited in the first group, be delighted you have an opportunity to go now - IF you think the experience would be delightful. Sometimes a wedding is an opportunity to get closer.
I think in times like this it's important to remember that most people have never planned a wedding before. They are going to step in the etiquette somewhere. What is more important to you, the etiquette or the friendship?
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u/EntryOk3093 2d ago
I’ve been a backup guest, went and had fun! Go hang out with your friends in a unique environment and take this as a chance to get closer to the bride/groom
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u/Halo_Bling 1d ago
Yeah same for a work colleague. She was a hot mess on her wedding day and they broke up after less than six months. It was entertaining and I got to see the tea lol
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u/ZookeepergameRude851 2d ago
I mean weddings are expensive and you can’t invite everyone. I had an A-list and then a B-list. For $150 per plate, all my friends understood that if we have family or friends cancel, they would be able to be invited.
A friend group of 14 is likely not as close as everyone would like to be - and the bride/groom has to be a bit picky. I wouldn’t take any offense to it - go if you want to go !
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u/Warm-Pen-2275 2d ago
This, a friend group of 14 is like 28 people with spouses. That could be a quarter of the wedding for just gaming buddies.
I have been there, we have a group of friends where most of the people are high school friends plus some add ons and the wedding was relatively small at 80 people. The groom had a big family too and we weren’t high school friends so we didn’t make the cut but about a month before they reached out and said they can make it work for us to come and we were excited to go to spend a night with our friends and get to be there for them. We had fun, and never thought twice about it.
I don’t think calling it a gift grab is fair. You have space for 80 so you want to fill spaces to have as many of your friends and family as you could. Not just for gifts but just to share the day with your loved ones without exceeding the venue limit or budget.
It’s not that deep and not at all offensive. You’re not the main character in their lives but you’re still wanted. Weddings inevitably force people to “rank” their friends and family, there’s no way around it. You can’t rake that personally.
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u/BettieShiver 2d ago
I'd go. Take it as an opportunity to get closer to those people. It's not a slight on who you are, they could just afford to invite so many people and closest friends came first. You'd not refuse to play a game because you were on bench, the opportunity has come up so jump in and have fun!
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u/QuitaQuites 2d ago
You were on the B list, that’s ok. You said you’re not personally close to this person. You’re not an afterthought, every wedding will typically have two legitimate lists. If you don’t want to go that’s fine. I do think it’s shitty to talk about a wedding not everyone is invited to on a group chat, but I wouldn’t take not being invited on the first round as a slight here
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u/dontfukcignlookatme 2d ago
I’ve been a B-lister before. I’m just happy to be thought of at all! Especially if it’s a large friend group and you’re not particularly close to that couple. People can’t invite everyone, unfortunately.
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u/gaanmetde 2d ago
Hell ya I love second tier invites. You even know you aren’t close so what’s the problem?
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u/Mediocre_Wrangler_77 2d ago
a few years ago i was invited to a newer friends wedding about a month out as a b-list invite and went with another friend who was also a b-list invite. our table at the dinner was very clearly a “uh you all can sit here i guess…” kind of table but otherwise im glad i went and im very close with the couple now, 6 years later!
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u/parklovesp 2d ago
I didn’t make my own cousin A list guest. I was the backup guest. Her wedding was destination wedding in Europe, so I get it- limited guest count. She ended up inviting me and my husband after some cancellations. I didn’t think much of it. We went and had a blast.
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u/brieles 2d ago
I don’t think you need to feel insulted or anything-weddings are expensive and guest counts are often heavily limited by venues. You don’t have out with the couple much so you obviously wouldn’t be priority 1 to invite. If you want to see your friends, go to the wedding! If you don’t care, you can decline. It’s not a slight to you that you weren’t invited originally and it’s not majorly offensive if you don’t want to go now.
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u/Traditional_Set_858 2d ago
You said you aren’t close so I wouldn’t be offended by a b-list invite weddings are expensive. If you want to go then go if not then decline. It’d be different if you were best friends but since you aren’t close there shouldn’t be any hard feelings inviting all 14 friends isn’t possible for a lot of people
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u/BugWild9184 2d ago
If you’re being invited after someone dropped it’s usually a headcount reason. I’d go to make memories with friends and enjoy myself
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u/Comfortable-Elk-850 2d ago
Venues can only hold a limited number of people. Bridal couples have to keep to that limit and most everyone has more friends and family they want to invite. We also had to have a B list and people who wanted to bring significant others list. No one dropped out or canceled from the first group we invited though. Don’t feel bad you were not invited in the first round, you said you’re not really close anyways. The fact they did extend an invite means they did want you there, but couldn’t fit you in right away.
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u/Wise-Matter9248 2d ago
I have recently had to make a guest list for my wedding.
There are people I really wanted to invite, but just couldn't because of space, and there were others that I was a bit closer to. But I was happy I got to invite them when others couldn't come.
It isn't necessarily an insult, sometimes it just comes down to space
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u/Miserable_Wash9029 2d ago
As someone who’s planning a wedding with a strict amount of seats due to the size of the venue, we have a list of people who we HAVE to invite (parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles) and a list of people we WANT to invite if the space allows (friends that aren’t necessarily our bestest of friends but whom we still enjoy and even some distant relatives who we love but don’t have that initial space for) as that first list starts to dwindle due to people canceling, we are beginning to invite people who we love off of that second list.
I wouldn’t take it too personally, weddings are expensive and stressful and now that there’s a seat available, they want you there and if I were you, I’d go enjoy the wedding!
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u/goldieblocks1618 2d ago
2nd tier guests aren't afterthoughts. Headcounts and pressure from all sides over the guests list are real headaches. You are on a short list of people the bride and groom actually want there, but couldn't initially have. Otherwise, you wouldn't be invited at all!
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u/rashyandtrashy 2d ago
My fiance and I are getting married this month. We are doing kind of a smaller thing and also have a lot of family and friends we care about. It is so hard to narrow down a guest list, to the point where we actually sent out a second custom invitation with a letter about how important our uninvited people are to us - including some friends who might not be our best and closest, but we really, really appreciate. As we get closer and some people are backing out, I’m nervous to make someone feel like second tier by inviting them now, but I’m doing it because their company would be so, so appreciated. However close, this person probably has a whole list of folks they would love to invite but don’t have room for, and you were always on it, and some room just became available.
Go if you want, decline if you don’t, but you are more important and valued than you think, because every wedding has a list of people the couple cares about but just don’t have room for on this one particular day.
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u/freckle_foxed 2d ago
I would probably go. Being someone who is in the midst of wedding planning we had to make some really hard cuts to our guest list due to budget and venue capacity. I have a list of people that I would have absolutely invited if that wasn’t a factor and we may send out a second round of invites dependent on how many No RSVP’s we get. It feels super shitty to have a “B Tier” of guests but the wedding industry is insane and expensive and having a giant wedding with 200 people just wasn’t a realistic option in our area (a very popular wedding area).
I do think it was insensitive of them to talk about the RSVP’s in a mixed group chat.
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u/Lalablacksheep646 2d ago
It they were my friend, I’d go! Weddings are a numbers game and unfortunately there is a cutoff (sometimes capacity) issues. I wouldn’t be offended by being a back up.
However, wtf are group calls?!!
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u/Mean_Ad_1012 2d ago
Having a backup invite list isn’t a huge issue for me but the part about talking a lot about the wedding in a group where some people weren’t invited seems tacky and insensitive. Sometimes that might be unavoidable (for example, someone else brings it up), but you could send someone a private text to remind them to RSVP. I’d base my decision on whether you think it will be a fun event based on your friend group being there and if it is something you would regret missing if you didn’t go.
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u/birkenstocksandcode 2d ago
Yeah if it’s local and convenient!
Having planned a wedding, it’s so hard to make cuts, and the fact that you’re invited means they wanted you there. In fact, they might even like you more than a lot of A tier family obligations.
I would even go if I were invited the day before because someone flaked last minute.
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u/Economy_Way_9046 2d ago
Calling it a gift grab is short sighted, they probably already felt awkward not being able to invite and feel relieved that they can extend the invite to you now.
Venues first counts and budgets are a big constraint. For a 100 person wedding, each partner only gets to invite 25 guests of their own once plus ones are factored in. After obligatory family invites from both their parents side there’s not a ton of room for friends, especially if you barely see them. Don’t take it personally.
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u/False-Average-9368 2d ago
Would you like to go?
It's a nice evening out with people you know; just bring a present (but please don't follow that ridiculous "pay for the plate" rule).
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u/Historical-News7127 2d ago
If I happened to be free on that day, and there's not a ton of hoops for me to jump through to prepare for the day (and it doesn't inconvenience me) then sure! Second-tier invites are low pressure because the tone has already been set (they need more bodies in seats after last minute drop outs, and its a party with free food and drinks for the new invitees).
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden 2d ago
It wouldn’t bother me at all. Couples can have both budgeting and venue capacity limits to contend with so if i only got the invite in the second round it wouldn’t bother me.
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u/TrainTraditional6686 2d ago
While I understand how you feel, it doesn’t reflect reality unless they are have an unlimited budget or abundant seating at the venue. For most of us, we were forced to leave people off of our guest list that we wanted to invite because of those two factors. Getting invited as soon as someone else cancelled can often mean you were wanted, but there were simply too many family members or people who were undeniably closer with them.
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u/KorolevaFey 2d ago
Yes, I would bc i understand people have tight guests list and budgets. So if its a day I can swing and I like the person, I would go
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u/datingnoob-plshelp 2d ago
My level of f to give on this depends how close I am to the couple. If I knew I wasn’t invited and I didn’t care I prob still won’t care if I end up being invited as a backup. It’ll prob lower my opinion of the couple cuz of how stupidly they handled this whole thing. I might chuckle a bit and decline.
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u/LingonberryNormal374 2d ago
If I wanted to go it wouldn't bother me at all. We had a small venue and couldn't invite everyone we wanted. We were also dealing with invites our parents (who paid) insisted were mandatory even though there was little chance of those people attending. When we got a no, we were happy to be able to include others. If you don't want to go, simply decline. Don't feel offended.
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u/Odd_Obligation_1300 2d ago
If you think it would be fun to go with the rest of the group, then go! Have a great time!
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u/Agreeable_Nail9191 2d ago
I’ve been in this position before and i understand how your ego might feel bruised. If it’s easy to get to, you can afford it and would be a fun night with your friends, go! It’s a wedding, it’s fun.
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u/jellotheremate 2d ago
It's annoying that you were involved in the group chats where they mentioned RSVPing....that is quite rude in my opinion. That being said, if it sounds fun to hang with that friend group and you are free that weekend, I would still personally consider attending! I don't think I would only decline because of the "B list" situation.
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u/AlaskaTech1 2d ago
I think it’s shitty to have a B list of guests. People are either important enough to invite the first time around or they shouldn’t be invited at all. Backup guests seem greedy.
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u/Own_Construction1478 2d ago edited 2d ago
Sounds honestly more like a gift grab kind of invitation. I'd politely decline.
I'm basing this on the group chats situation before you were invited. I don't mean it so much as petty, but rather insensitive to people in general.
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u/KorolevaFey 2d ago
Doesn't sound like a gift grab. Sounds more like trying to not waste a meal and place setting and invite someone that they may have had to put on the cutoff
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cow_658 2d ago
I see both feelings for sure. As someone who had a super tight wedding budget, guest lists are what can make or break the budget. Keeping the count under a certain amount keeps it in budget.
As much as I’d have loved to invite everyone and not leave people out, I simply had to or I would not have been able to afford my wedding. The people who my husband and I were not all that close to were the ones to get cut. When space opened up, I was happy to extended the invite to them and include them. Not as an afterthought, but more so “these people can’t make it so that means I get to include these people!” But I can 100% see how someone might feel like an afterthought.
I personally would go if I could make it especially if I knew a lot of other friends there that were going. Weddings are fun (imo) so why not make memories with my friends?
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u/Ignominious333 2d ago
There shouldn't be B list for weddings. You invite who you want and accept the final count from those invitees.
I would decline to attend. it's bad manners on the couples part . They planned the wedding they want and the guest list is small. If I didn't make the guest list they don't really want me there. And I would be fine with it and not hold it against them. But I am not a gift opportunity, either. And I wouldn't send a gift after declining the invite. The whole thing is bad etiquette
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u/Couple-jersey 2d ago
It’s about how many people they can have at a venue. A lot of a list invites are for family, I have 30 people on my a list I had to invite cause they’re close family. I know they probably won’t come, and then I move into my friends list.
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u/njVowsNow 2d ago
I probably wouldn't go, but I also wouldn't feel slighted. We're not all close to a lot of people; this is one of the many reasons that weddings are gettin smaller and smaller.
If you want to go, go. If you don't? Then don't. It's really that simple.
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u/KMizzle98 2d ago
Nope, definitely not.
I wouldn't make it a big deal or tell them... I'd just politely decline.
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u/glueintheworld 2d ago
I wouldn't go. I don't accept b-list invitations. And I didn't have one for my wedding.
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u/slmkellner 2d ago
I’ve told friends before that I’m happy to be a backup guest if someone cancels last minute, because they have usually already paid for the plate. Weddings are fun, and I love meeting new people who are friends with my friends.
It’s also okay if you don’t want to go though. You are well within your right to say no.
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u/FiddleStyxxxx 2d ago
There's no reason to be petty. You admitted that you're not that close and we all know how expensive and difficult it is to nail down a guest list.
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u/Justdont13412 2d ago
I would go if I wanted to, if I didn’t want to then I’d do a quick not able to attend. Don’t take it personally since venues and budgets are a very tough job for the bride and groom, parents etc. life is too short to let this bug you, at least you know they wanted to be able to invite you
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u/BeachPlze 2d ago
I would attend if I wanted to and was able to and decline if not. However I would not feel obligated to send a gift/check if I declined like I would if I knew I was a wanted guest vs. a seat filler. I would send a card. If I attended I would bring a gift/check.
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u/Spare-Shirt24 2d ago
Couples almost always cannot invite everyone they want to due to several constraints (cost, venue capacity, family size, etc). They often have to divide people they would like to invite into groups.
If you don't want to attend because you feel slighted by not receiving a Round 1 invite, don't go.
You fully recognize that you're not that close to the couple. So it's ridiculous that you feel like an "afterthought". They did think of you, but unfortunately you weren't as close as other invited guests.
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u/Brilliant_Science380 2d ago
Only if you think you will have a good time and just drink and dance the whole night long.
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u/Rare-Progress5009 2d ago
If you enjoy weddings and want to go - then go! If you don’t enjoy weddings and don’t want to go - then don’t!
The groom was hella rude for talking about a wedding in a group chat where not everyone was invited. But now you are invited… ball is in your court.
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u/TsitikEm 2d ago
Eh nothing inherently wrong with that especially since you acknowledge yourself you’re not close. It is in bad taste and tacky but if you want to go, just go and if not, just sit it out
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u/Timtamjam44 2d ago
I had a weird interaction once with an extended friend. I was invited to the engagement announcement but then didn't hear anything about the wedding and then was invited two weeks out. Definitely a case of someone dropping out! I couldn't go anyway because I had a family wedding. No hard feelings either side.
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u/chicbeauty 2d ago
I go 🤷🏽♀️ I have no qualms if I’m on the 3rd or 4th list. I go because I value what friend and want to support them. If I felt that way about a friend, I would personally stop interacting with them all together
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u/Motor_Dark6406 2d ago
I would say I'm already busy and not entertain going. People like that are likely to uninvite you at the last minute, too.
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u/bluart06 2d ago
Are you able to go without making a thing of it? Then go. Would you be resentful and weird? Then no.
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u/Couple-jersey 2d ago
Yes of course, idk if I’m a c list guest. I understand weddings are pricey. So unless it’s my best friend-I’d be happy to be invited last min.
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u/Ok_Wtch2183 2d ago
They are trying to fill up a space for the food costs and expected gift. I personally would not attend.i I wouldn’t be salty about it as they are not friends, more of an acquaintance.
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u/Siren2026 2d ago
Sure I love a party. There is the list of the must invites and the list of the nice to invites if possible. That’s still a great list!’ Go
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u/hussy_trash 2d ago
I would go. I am planning a wedding and times are tough. Everything is 4x more expensive than you think it is.
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u/iamtheeplug 2d ago
If you want to go, then go! I had a friend steal my wedding venue, then didn’t invite us. I have a feeling they are going to try and late invite us but I would decline them! Our entire group is invited, i’ve been friends with them for 10 years. Hearing about how they booked our wedding venue then didn’t invite us felt like a stab in the back. Anyways we found a better venue now :)
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u/ElectronicPower9660 2d ago
I probably would. I was invited to a colleagues birthday after people cancelled and I still went. I knew we weren’t close enough for me to make it to her top 50 list of friends and family but close enough to maybe make top 80?
I had a very small engagement dinner of 40 people total. Family, my side, husbands side. This left me with inviting a very very intimate limited amount of very close family and friends.
When someone cancelled I was able to invite someone else. The worst thing was like 8 people no showed day of and I was very very upset. Going from 40 to 32 was significant since we had a long table
Anyhow, the group chat thing is weird though. Why would anyone talk about their wedding in a group chat where not 100% of the participants are invited: very odd
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u/TrainingWolverine762 2d ago
being a backup guest really isn’t personal especially if you aren’t close. weddings are expensive and you end up having to make a lot of costly decisions. usually the closest family and friends get first consideration
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u/cavinaface 1d ago
Unless you have clear indications either way I think you get to choose how to take this. One way is to feel slighted and ascribe gift-grab intentions, but the more fun way, to me, would be assume this person wanted to invite you from the very beginning but simply couldn't because of limited space and funds. This feels like a safe assumption bc as soon as the space opened up, you were invited. Now you can join your friend group and have fun!
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u/Accomplished-Slip421 1d ago
Sometimes not being invited is due to costs. We had back up invitees too. When someone declined we got to invite someone who wasn’t originally invited. Weddings are expensive. The fact you got invited at all is an honour
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u/JustJoan66 1d ago
I would not be offended. If I wanted to attend, I would absolutely go. I know that planning events like this are difficult and there are reasons why one needs to limit the guest list. There are often many people you wish to invite that you can’t until there’s more room available. Also, the person getting married may feel closer to you now than they did at the time they initially made the list and sent the invitations out.
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u/DrewBearry 6h ago
As someone who is actively planning a wedding I promise you it probably wasn’t personal. Weddings are expensive and not every venue has a large capacity. You have to make tough decisions with guest lists that are difficult and make a lot of people upset. If you were invited at all it’s because you were thought of and they just couldn’t do it initially but clearly had you in mind.
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u/AcrobaticAd1410 2d ago
nah i wouldnt go. being a backup guest feels worse than just not being invited at all
you said you're not that close so its not like you lost something here. just send a polite decline and move on
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u/DowntownResident993 2d ago
It depends. If it's very last minute and requires travel/a hotel stay, I turn that down. If it's close by and other friends that I know will be attending, then sure. I don't really get being upset about being on "the B list". Every wedding has one.
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u/Available_Honey_2951 2d ago
I wouldn’t go. I knew a girl who had a number limit on her attendees. She had an “alternate” list where as soon as a negative reply came in, she quickly sent out an alternate. She figured she could therefore keep the numbers low but get more gifts. Was divorced a few years later over the fact that husband didn’t buy her nice things.
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u/cajolinghail 2d ago
I don’t know the person you’re talking about so maybe they are genuinely a selfish person like you’ve described. But this seems like a pretty negative outlook. You almost always have a certain limited number of people that you can invite to your wedding, whether due to financial constraints, venue size or other reasons, and often you have to leave people out that you would otherwise invite if you could invite an unlimited number of people. Doesn’t it make sense to invite more people once someone cancels? OP admits they aren’t super close with this friend so I don’t think they should take it that personally that they weren’t in the first round of invites…they should attend if they want to and not feel obligated if they don’t.
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u/Politesailboat 2d ago
I would. I'm planning my own wedding right now, and we're allowed 30 guests including photographer/videographer. Our list included about half my family, as well as his family and his closest friends. If someone bowed out, there are absolutely people i would love to have there on my wedding day, but that weren't originally invited. Its not because of gifts whatsoever, but its tough to make the choices in who can be invited when you have a limit on the number, and if i could invite ALL the people i care about, i would, because id love to see them and have them be a part of the day
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u/Available-Mix9442 2d ago
With only 30 people I’d have called them ahead of sending out invites to check the date and then sent out my 30. Sending last minute invites is rude.
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u/Politesailboat 2d ago
Lol well 2 things, all the invites are probably considered last minute, we picked a wedding day 2 months away
And also we didn't send out further invites after the original lol all 28 people who got them knew they were coming as we had sent them a sort of "save the date" text as soon as we picked a day as well as to make sure we had all their addresses right. And we know who would or wouldn't be able to make it, which is why we only sent it 28 of the 30
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u/Away-Paramedic-8406 2d ago
Sounds great, ie only 2 months out!, as planning every detail agh can be so stressful! We, or I, planned ours very quickly. Invited only a handful, could have expanded it by about twice as many. Enjoy each other!! That's the best to focus on. Congratulations!
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u/cajolinghail 2d ago
How is that effectively different…? And people might have had emergencies last-minute, confirming my phone doesn’t actually mean that all those people are coming.
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u/Ignominious333 2d ago
don't . because no matter what you say, it looks like gift grab. Make the list of the guests you can accomodate and let the final count come from them. It's really rude to have tiered guest lists for a wedding.
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u/Politesailboat 2d ago edited 2d ago
Lol thanks for input? We don't intend to, which is why we only sent them to those of our original list we knew could come lmao
I dont care about the gifts at all, I just want the people we love to be there, thats literally the point of inviting people to your wedding. BUT I know how it can be interpreted so we didnt, even though its sad and shouldn't be the expectation. I feel like you guys are interpreting this as me trying to justify doing it myself when we wont be. Lol I'm simply saying I get it from the perspective of someone wanting to invite others they love that didnt have the space to accommodate everyone, and that i would give someone i cared about the benefit of the doubt if they sent one to me after others had received. I will say though, I'd hope if I HAD made the choice to do so, that whoever I felt the need to send a late invite to would know me well enough to know it wasn't about a gift.
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u/Ignominious333 2d ago
I take you at your word, but people will interpret it as a gift grab because even when one declines a wedding invite, it's customary to send a gift. So it's a bit of a quagmire as to how it will be perceived if you choose to do it. and it's not judgement on anyone - every wedding and couple is unique their life and circumstances and having the day you envision is what matters most.
I did read there's a way to do it if you plan on it. Send first invites out early and then if you want to invite others if you have the space you give them a later rsvp date so it doesn't look like it's completely last minute. I hope it's a beautiful celebration !
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u/Couple-jersey 2d ago
It’s very normal to have tiered guests to a wedding
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u/Ignominious333 2d ago
It's maybe became more common but it's definitely not good etiquette, regardless.
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u/Dependent-Milk-861 2d ago
I agree, it’s tacky as hell whether it’s become popular or not. There have been a few occasions where I see a save the date on a mutual friends fridge then I get one 2 months later, that’s an immediate no from me dawg.
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u/Couple-jersey 2d ago
It’s perfectly fine, not everyone can accommodate 300+ people to an event. Imagine if you had to invite everyone you knew to a party, one can you afford it? And 2, does the venue even have space for that?
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u/Ignominious333 2d ago
I would work within the conditions I chose. If I can't afford to have everyone I want there i have to make decisions. Like a grown up. The world won't end.
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u/Couple-jersey 2d ago
You definitely have not planned a wedding. There are usually people you have to invite- mostly family- as a courtesy. Now if they don’t come, then you can invite friends and extended family. A lot of people who have to travel- may not come. But u have to leave that space reserved for them until they say no. That’s why you set your RSVP date back a little earlier to giv time to invite other people. It doesn’t mean they were wanted, it just means they didn’t come over immediate family. If you don’t understand that then I think you need to find a little maturity.
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u/natalkalot 2d ago
Uh, no it sure is not. Perhaps amidst your family and friends, though.
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u/Couple-jersey 2d ago
If you read the thread you see it is, it’s pretty traditional in typical western weddings.
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u/EmilyPoster2 2d ago
If you think it will be a good time, good food, then go. If not, then don't.
We had six last minute cancellations at our wedding and my parents asked their friends. They were very open about it and the friends came and had a great time. We already had our numbers in to the caterers so we figured, why not fill the seats if someone will enjoy.
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u/TheLoveGOATonYT 2d ago
I guess I’m in the minority. I wouldn’t attend as the B list and I would not ever host with a B list.
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u/natalkalot 2d ago
No.
I am in western Canada and have been to literally dozens of weddings - more if you count child to teen.
I have never heard of a "B" list before coming on Reddit.
I would be not offended if not invited, but def do not want to be backup.
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u/ConradSuckss 2d ago
I go when I get a last minute invite if I'm free. After planning a wedding and knowing how tight some people's budgets are, and how much it costs to feed each additional guest, I never take it as an insult if I don't make the first cut. There have been a few times where the lack of an invite hurt, but i just took it as a sign to reevaluate how much time and effort i put into that relationship moving forward.
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u/Blue_Falcon1594 2d ago
Yes, I’d go if I wanted to and I wouldn’t be offended. Guest lists are hard with capped budgets/venues. OP admits she’s not as close with the bride as others. I’d be happy to even be thought of at all. Now if going feels like a burden and not something I want to do, then I wouldn’t feel bad about declining either
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u/Lifes-a-flat-circle 2d ago
I wouldn't be offended or take it personally. Weddings are expensive and couples ultimately have to make decisions about who they're closest to and can afford to invite. You weren't quite close enough to make the A list, but you were close enough to make the B list, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing or a slight. That's just the reality of having a limited guest list, unless you feel like you've been putting significantly more effort into the friendship than they have.
I'd go if you feel like it and can afford it! It could be a fun opportunity to celebrate with your other friends and maybe even become closer with the couple. If you'd rather not go or don't feel like spending the money on a wedding gift, that's perfectly fine too. Just politely decline. I wouldn't read too much into the invitation either way though.
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u/RRR-Mimi-3611 2d ago
This happened to me a few years ago. I didn’t mind, went to the wedding and had a blast
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u/Beautiful-Rough9761 2d ago
I’ve accepted two offers like this, I had a blast and really appreciated being invited! At the time you send out original save the dates, it’s usually over half a year out. Within that time your friendships change, you fall out of contact with some and see others more. I invited some new friends to mine a day before RSVP was due and was thrilled space was available for them after others said no, it meant nothing about how much I liked them.
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u/EvilSockLady 2d ago edited 2d ago
So you WERE an afterthought. You were treated rudely so you’re justified in not feeling the best about it.
As far as if you go or not… that’s 100% up to you. From what you’ve heard does it seem like it will be a fun time? Will your friends in your group be there? Do you have nothing better to do that night?
Go if you think you’ll enjoy it. Dont go if you do not.
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u/SelicaLeone 2d ago
I absolutely would. I love weddings and sometimes you can’t fit all your loved ones in a venue.
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u/bvs0730 2d ago
I’m currently planning my wedding, and if i could I’d have all of my people there.. but the venue we selected only can accommodate a set number, and that’s what we have to work with. The unfortunate reality is that I cannot invite everyone. So yes, once i get declines, i will be extending an invite to the ones I couldn’t initially invite.. and its not bc I have a minimum to reach at my venue bc im not paying per person, its merely a space thing, and that’s it. People need to really stop looking for negative in everything, it’s not always a gift grab or whatever other negative they want to throw on it. In a perfect world, I’d be able to invite everyone, but that’s just not how it always works out. You deciding to go is a personal decision that only you can make, with the information you have and how you feel about this friendship. There are so many hard decisions couples have to make regarding their guest lists when planning their weddings, can we please stop trying to make them feel bad about it all!
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u/hahayouguessedit 2d ago
Yes, I would go. Money and space are tight. Sometimes there’s pressure to invite great Aunt Millie. Put on your dancing shoes and go.
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u/lixx-minxxx88 2d ago
Why not?!
If you’re offended because you weren’t first pick, then do the couple a favor by not attending. The fact that someone cancelled and you were the next best person for them to want to include should be enough.
Couples don’t always get to invite every single person that they wish to have at their weddings for many reasons. Don’t take it personal.
But again, if you do, then sit this whole event out. No one wants a sour puss attending what’s supposed to be the happiest day celebrating the start of their marriage.
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u/BoysenberryJellyfish 2d ago
In this specific situation, I wouldn't take it as an insult.
Weddings are expensive and often have set numbers. You said you're not particularly close except virtually and you understand why you weren't invited during the first pass, but then when a seat opened up this friend basically said via the invite: "I know we're not close, but I'd like you to come if you want to come."
It would be different if you two were closer, if you were closer then it would be a little insulting, but in this specific case I wouldn't be upset in the least and would recommend you do whatever you want to. Go if you want to, decline if you want to, both would be totally fine.
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u/lightningposion 2d ago
This has actually happened to me before! My partner and I were not as close to the couple as the rest of our friends, when we were eventually invited we ended up going, and now we are much closer to the couple! I say go!
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u/EyeRollingNow 2d ago
It’s sounds like you have lots of friends going so why not? Weddings are stupidly stressful so if you can overlook the circumstances and go and have a great time, do it! Don’t let the small details derail an opportunity to be with your fun large group.
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u/brownchestnut 2d ago edited 2d ago
I understand that we're not that close, so I wasn't expecting an invitation in the first place. On the other hand, knowing that I was only invited because someone else dropped out makes me feel like an afterthought.
You ADMIT that you're not even that close but you still choose to get offended that they didn't think of you first, over people that are closer?
Sounds like an ego problem on your part.
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u/voodoodollbabie 2d ago
If I wasn't expecting an invite, I'd understand not getting one. Yeah, kind of stings that he was posting to the group (I would have replied "You're getting married? Congrats!" or something like that.)
But if my bigger friend group was going, I'd be happy that some had to drop out so I could get in on the fun after all. I mean he invited ME, not his third cousin twice removed or neighbors from down the street.
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u/deegallant 2d ago
We’re planning our wedding now and have a limited guest count. If not everyone can come, we’ll absolutely invite more friends. We don’t care about the gift, it’s about being able to have more friends to celebrate with. Imagine knowing your friends had the space after cancellations to invite more and STILL didn’t invite you. Imo that’s what would be rude.
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u/almaperdida99 2d ago
Who cares about the situation? If you want to go, go. If you don't, don't. Just don't waste energy getting butt hurt you were on the reserves. Weddings are fucking expensive.
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u/Fickle-Cabinet3956 2d ago
Depends.
This has happened to me a handful of times when couples couldn't afford to have larger guest counts.
I don't necessarily take it as a slight, especially if I am not the closest in the group to the particular bride or groom (or nowadays it's more of parents of the bride/groom).
Assuming I had no other conflicts of my schedule...
If it was a wedding I wanted to attend I would accept.
If it wasn't a wedding I wanted to attend I would decline.
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 2d ago
This is called B listing. It's rude because you are not the couple's first choice of guests. You are only there because their venue requires a minimum number of seats to be filled , not because you are wanted. And it's always last minute when no one is able to request time off without using limited PTO. This app pushes it as standard but it is bad hosting and rude. People are not stupid and they know they aren't wanted because everyone knows tge standard timeline for save the dates and invites, which B lists ignore by sending the invite 2 weeks before the wedding, long after final headcounts are due with catering and rentals.
When I was a teenager, I had no problem with this. Now, I will not attend a last minute wedding.
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u/LiveVenueReview 2d ago
It’s definitely tacky to invite part of a group chat too… either invite the whole group, or call each person individually to invite them
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 2d ago
Exactly. The couple is rude either way. Why are we normalizing "it's ok to be treated like this, go enjoy yourself anyway" behavior? This is why post-Covid US has no manners anymore.
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u/wherewithins 2d ago
My venue does not have a minimum guest count, but it does have a maximum number of people who can all be seated in the main dinner dining area. I am already just over the total number of people that can fit by the number of invites I am sending out, but I am sending extending a few invitations out of courtesy that I know will be declined and a few "guests" will be infants under 1 year old.
That said, I still have people I would love to invite that I cannot invite in the first round because of how large my extended family is. I literally could not care less if some of these college friends, social acquaintances, etc. buy me a gift, but I would happily spend money to have them there because I love celebrating love and a big party! I was a C-list invitee to a wedding this summer, and I still had a lovely time.
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 2d ago edited 2d ago
If you are not close to the couple, you decline being a guest. If you are the couple getting married and not close enough to someone to invite them from the beginning, you don't invite them at all. How are you in a friend group woth folks you aren't close to? Those are not friends.
People saying are expensive, no they aren't. It's a conscious choice to spend $100k vs $20k because social media bullies them. It's a choice to be rude and rank people into 1st class, 2nd class,3rd class. It's not the f'ing Titanic but people sure treat their "loved ones" like it is.
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u/epilimnetic 2d ago
I can't believe you are saying that 20k for one party is not expensive! I am planning a wedding and 20k is at the very tippy top of what I am looking at spending. Out of touch!
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 2d ago
The weddingsunder$10k sub ironically says it's very low budget and frequently price shames anyone below that budget. It's a number used for example comparison to show the disparity between budgets and the ludicrous reasons that people use to justify treating their supposed loved ones like shit and saying "I cant afford it so they can't be hurt". There's countless people in real life who get married under $500 for everything and they don't have a do over later, but they are shamed to oblivion on every budget and regular sub here. I'm well aware that the economy is shit right now but tgat doesn't justify bad manners. Every decision is a conscious choice that no one is forced into.
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u/cajolinghail 2d ago
Venues don’t care if the seats are filled, they’ll just charge you anyway.
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 2d ago
The all inclusive venues def do. They are the only venue ls who charge per person because they own the catering and rental services that you are required to use. Blank slate venues like the local community center don't charge per person but people here act like the prices and practices are reversed.
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u/cajolinghail 2d ago
Did you read my comment? Yes they will charge you per guest. But if some of your guests are ill or have a family emergency they’re not going to force you to walk out on the street and invite random people to fill your guest count. They will just charge you anyway.
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 2d ago
I did read. Not all venues are equal. Just because your venue will charge for no shows doesn't mean that all venues everywhere do that. Only all inclusive venues do that. Blank slates do not.
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u/Rare_Engineer3954 2d ago
Can confirm - we are getting married and have our venue locked in. Sure there is a minimum spend /head count that the venue has, but we are being charged per guest. For us the minimum was 60 guests and the maximum capacity is 100. (All weddings I considered worked like this, but maybe there are differences between countries here.)
We also have a B-list. The venue has a hard upper limit and because quite a number of elderly family members who’d been saying for years they’d not be able to come abroad for our wedding (but I of course still invited) ended up immediately accepting the invite when we actually started planning the wedding, as a result a number of friends who I’d love to have at the wedding are on the B-list. If spots free up I’ll invite them. Each one of them will cost me £150 and if I wouldn’t replace a guest (so long as they cancelled 6 weeks before), I’d be saving that much per cancellation.
As to OP - it sounded like you weren’t that fussed for not being invited initially. You getting the invite later seems to confirm that you and the couple to wed feel kind of similar about each other?
You were at least special enough to be the immediate next round of invite.
Go if you want to share their special day with them. You might end up closer as a result (they say weddings can make or break friendships). If you think you won’t be able to shake the feeling of being second best and that bothers you - don’t accept the invite. For me it would also be different which friend this was, for some friends I would not be offended to be on their B-list and in some cases I’d be hurt. Only you can decide where they land for you.
I would not want anyone to come to my wedding who wasn’t keen to be there.
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u/Anxious-Hyena6173 2d ago
They have a guaranteed number, if you go below, you still pay but can add items to reception with drink or food.
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u/troublesomefaux 2d ago
An afterthought means he forgot about you. You are b-list.
He shouldn’t have mentioned the rsvps in front of you if you weren’t invited. But also wedding guest lists are complicated.
Go if you want to go.
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