TW: Recurrent pregnancy loss
I (40F) had my son back in 2021, right after my first miscarriage in 2020. For multitude of reasons, we didn't try for a second until April 2024. I knew i was getting older but people get pregnant all the time, right? The problem for us was not getting pregnant - since 2024 until today, we got pregnant 3 more times. All 3 ended in a loss, right around at 6 weeks.
The most recent one happened yesterday and this was a gut punch for various reasons, with #1 being the fact that we saw cardiac activity 4 days prior. Going into the OB's office to get an ultrasound that day gave me so much anxiety, I remember crying on my way to the appointment. You see, the 2 prior miscarriages were technically a chemical pregnancy, so I didn't even get to hear the heartbeat. We found out during our first OB visit. My husband and I were so nervous but when we saw that cardiac activity, we knew we passed the first stage of relief. The OB was very hopeful for me - the few things she was concerned about on top of my age were a) I had a polycystic ovary (first time hearing about this! Not to be confused with PCOS), b) there was some fluid in my fallopian tube, and c) i had a degenerative fibroid (basically dying). But everything else looked perfect. I had a pretty busy Saturday and Sunday, I was feeling pretty fatigued, so I took it pretty easy. On Monday, I woke up feeling lethargic, but thought it was the hormones again. I was wrong. I started developing a fever that went up to 101F. I took some tylenol, took the day off, and just slept as much as I could. The fever eventually went away that night and I went to bed hoping it didn't affect my pregnancy.
Then yesterday happened. And man. Did it happen fast. This wasn't my first rodeo with pregnancy loss so I knew what was coming but my body never reacted this fast. What started as pink spotting at 7am turned into a whole miscarriage (passing tissue and clots) by 8pm. I didn't have any cramps. It's funny how even though this wasn't my first time experiencing a loss, I couldn't help but to turn to ChatGPT and Reddit to see if this could POSSIBLY be something else. Perhaps an SCH? But no. I know I am not that lucky. I know a loss when I experience one.
This pregnancy happened right before we were considering IVF. We felt so lucky. I thought since we saw the heartbeat, that meant our chances were much higher. I was wrong. And now, I don't know where to go from here. I know for the time being, I'll have to process this first. But do I even have hope moving forward? Is IVF going to be any different? Do I just need to give up? I honestly don't think I can ever be happy again being pregnant. Because it all leads to this tragic ending. I also don't know how many more losses my body can handle. And the worst of it all, it breaks my heart seeing my 5 year old son play by himself at home everyday, longing for a baby in the house. I see how he cares for his friend's siblings and like many of you out there, that was one of the most exciting things for me after seeing the cardiac activity.
Everything feels raw today. I wish my desire for a second kiddo could just disappear. If only life was that easy. Not sure if anybody else is going through the same thing but if you are, many hugs and love going your way. I hope we all get our happy endings eventually, whatever that may look like.