Hi,
I don't really know how to write this. You would never tell my story if you look at me at the office or if you talk to me, but I'm really heartbroken. I moved out of my home country 2 months ago to rebuilt a life, I'm alone and I always have so much time to think (don't know if it is positive or not), but I don't know if these things will ever go away to be honest. Some nights I'm just heartbroken and I think about how humanity is fucked up.
I discovered that my father was a ped0 6 years ago, when I was already in my 20s. It's crazy because he is also a buddhist, loves to do charity. I don't know if he ever slept with a child, but I have found 2/3 different diaries in which he was talking about having sex with 12 years old Tunisian children for money and guess who always used to go on vacation in Tunisia? my family, with my father. He also had a diary in which he stalked a 14 years old boy, he was a neighbor. He used to write hours and dates of their "casual" meetings and also looked at his home window. Keep in mind that my father is very old, so he cannot do anything physical. He was also in many different relationships with 20/30 years old guys that he would meet online. He had a specific type: poor, desperate immigrants who would do everything for him. He also had many many many hard disks full of young people images. A nightmare. My father also destroyed my family's financial stability and now my house is my bank's house, because of debts he created. I know, it's crazy. Seems like a movie. I wish it was but it's not.
He also did horrible things to my mom, he used to take pics of her intimate parts when she was sleeping and he would send them to people he met online.
I told everything to my siblings and to my mom. What's crazy? My mom forgave him. She never sued him. I prepared houndreds of prints of screenshots that I have found, but she burned them. At one point, only to have those screenshots of the horrible things that he was doing, I became obsessed with controlling him. I copied his whatsapp on my phone (I'm kinda good with technology), but I became addicted, I have so many traumas about what he was writing.
He had multiple telegram / Facebook / instagram accounts.
I tried to talk to him and forgive because I thought he would change, then I beat him, and now he is blocked everywhere. My mom still lives with him, I think at the end she is a victim but she's also protecting him as a pervert, something that I will never forgive her for.
My relatives are fucked up too. Other "interesting" stories.
Now that you know the ""whole"" story, or the main parts, please tell me how can I go on with my life. I tried with therapy, but I just cannot afford it anymore and to be honest, it's always so hard to start telling this story to somebody new. It's just something that I don't want to do now.
The point is that I have so much rage inside of me. Nobody would never say so, I'm always smiling, I'm always so kind, people say that I'm vert sweet, but I feel dead inside, I feel empty. I don't want to forgive. I want that my father suffers as I'm suffering for something that I didn't do. I was the victim and I'm suffering. He is the p3rvert and has a prepared meal everyday by my mum. instead, I had to leave home and build my life because I was scared that he would do weird stuff to me and I used to sleep with the door locked when I was living with them.
I'm not suicidal, I don't do drugs, but i'm just devastated and I don't think it will ever go away, after 6 years and moving out of my home country. It's the same.

The impact of trauma in my life is very big, I still don't have enough financial resources to visit a psychologist, so I have to try to learn how to solve my problems on my own.

I can't protect myself when needed. Just during those stressful moments by body starts shaking and my hands sweating, I cant think clear and around people I am completely different person than I actually am irl. Its all trauma and I feel hopeless because its been years I am trying to beat it.

I want to finally defend myself and stand up for myself without shaking. Life is getting harder day by day and I feel like I am just created wrong.