art by me

Photography and editing by Lily Piss

I don’t think it’s SA but would he if I had let him? My bf (26M) and I (22F) have been dating a year. He met me in transition of moving home from my college town after being raped by my ex so he is deeply aware of my trauma I’m still recovering from. This morning we gave each other head because i was not in the mood for penetration and he agreed. When it was over i got up but he was trying to grab me and put me on top of him. I made an excuse about my gma calling me upstairs so he would let me go. I came back and figured we could still be close without having sex and I was being silly pretending to be called upstairs and it was me being on defense.

I came back he put me on top of him again i reminded him that it was not going in which he agreed so we laid there with me on top of him and he was kind've dry humping me which was fine because i reminded him it wasn't going in but he was trying to thrust against me when i feel like i felt him try to put it in me and thrust upwards a couple times but it wouldnt go in. I got up and in a teasing way I asked said "you were gonna put it in anyway" and he said "sometimes it just slips in" which he later said he didnt mean it that way and it was just a joke. I said it teasing because i wanted him to answer unguarded before i started accusing him of stuff and i took his response as a confirmation he wouldve put it in even after i had told him MULTIPLE times i didnt want it in.

I asked him to leave. He kept pressuring meto tell him what was wrong and when i told him he immediately started deflecting saying you know "id never do that to you, you were the one who got on top of me, you started this, this is what we do we have sex all the time, i cant believe youre acting this way because we were cuddling, we cuddle in the morning all the time" blah blah fking blah.He then said that his d*ck got stuck and he was trying to move it from in between our stomachs and thats why it felt like it was about to come inside because he was trying to move it. But i just dont know. It felt way too intentional i swear he wouldve put it in anyway had I not gotten up. And it wasnt until he could tell his explanations werent workking he says " you really think I would do that after all uve been through if you could really think i would do something like that thats fked up you know better than anyone i would nevr do that."

And so now im kindve stuck between his intentions and how i felt. regardless. of what happened i feel insanely triggered. He couldve really been trying to get it unstuck between us but i dont understand how it would feel like he was thrusting upwards while trying to get unstuck. I'm truly trying to see it form his perspective but i just... i dont. I can ttell if this is my trauma from what happened to me last year thats clouding my judgment or what because Idk what to believe. And his response to my feelings was also very off but he couldve been panicking because of the nature of what I felt he did. I just dont know where to go from here. I feel so hurt because I just feel like he wouldve put it in and him doing that after watching all that ive been through and still going through... I also dont even remember him having this struggle of tryign ot get it unstuck between the two of us. Its all so very weird

Grooming, addiction?, sexualisation, indulgence in trauma

I miss my guitar