r/shittyaskscience • u/Dry-Egg8573 • 3d ago

How can I make my eyes shoot out on stalks without having to see someone stunningly attractive?

I’m into handicrafts and I think that having my eyes shoot out on stalks would help with fine detailed work. However my eyes only shoot out on stalks when someone extremely attractive walks by. Is there a way to bring this reflex under conscious control?

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21

u/chronicallylaconic 3d ago

Have you tried exclaiming "AHWOOOOGAAA" as loud as you can? I believe that to be a significant part of the biological magicks you're invoking here.

6

u/spearmint_wino Science is like it be, because it do 3d ago

As a wolf who can smoke a cigarette so powerfully that I actually smoke my own head, I can attest to the validity of this technique.

10

u/Human-Evening564 3d ago

Try giving radiation treatments to snails and then inject yourself with their irradiated DNA 

8

u/tinypoem 3d ago

I have had great success myself with this very technique. Just be aware that your corneas will likely turn green (but I actually think they’re prettier this way, especially when they glow at night).

3

u/Human-Evening564 3d ago

It ain't easy

2

u/Kapow1969 2d ago

Being green.

5

u/wormdoktur 3d ago

You know how when you were learning how to do the Vulcan 🖖 sign, you had to hold your fingers apart with your other hand? Well it’s like that, except on your eyes.

5

u/dr_wtf 3d ago

You could try dropping a comedically large anvil on one of your feet.

4

u/dspeyer 3d ago

Get bitten by a wereslug.

Note that they'll need to bite you in human form, as slugs don't have teeth.

1

u/Brastep 2d ago

I'm hoping to get sucked by a wereslug

3

u/Picassos_left_thumb 3d ago

Have you tried using crafts to depict extremely attractive people? Maybe you can classically condition yourself into associating that physiological response with crafts.

4

u/SaintEyegor 3d ago

Become a snail or a looney tunes character. Either would work

2

u/IncitefulInsights 3d ago

Yeah, it's not what it's cracked up to be bro, mine did this a couple of times & it was actually super-embarassing while trying to be cool around my crush. It's a bit of a giveaway, kinda made things awkward, but it's outta my control you know? You just have to like them hard enough & it automatically happens. You deal with the consequences.

3

u/Legitimate_Field_157 3d ago

Internal pressure. Just stop farting.

2

u/ImpressiveGuava5591 2d ago

Stick googly eyes on your glasses next time.

2

u/bunkdiggidy 2d ago

Just always make/draw something you find extremely sexuality attractive! Don't be afraid to fall in love with your art...