I’m trying desperately to understand my husband’s point of view and figure out meaningful ways I can better support. please be kind but here’s the (long) story:

my husband and I have a 15 month old and I’m pregnant with our second (tho still early days). my husband has been a full time SAHD for about four months now. we have a bit of a unique situation as he wasn’t working before we had the baby (he’s not a free loader; he worked really hard for 15+ years, saved aggressively and is now FIRE (financially independent, retired early) since 2020.) we had a nanny three days a week initially after my mat leave ended but she recently left us for another job. we could afford it and it felt like the three days of 8-4 gave us all a break to be adults.

after my husband has taken over SAHD full time, it feels like the flood gates have opened. we’re basically just roommates if not straight up hostile. he says I don’t help. he says I get to do whatever I want during the day. but I work 8-5 at a high pace corporate job. I recently took a pay cut so I would not be expected to work overtime.

our days look like this: whole family wakes at 7. husband takes dog for a 30 min walk and I’m on mom duty until 8 when I leave for work. after numerous arguments, I now make a point to be home at 5 so I wake up our daughter from her afternoon nap no later than 530. we split dinner so half of the days I make dinner while being primary parent, the other half, I’m just primary parent until bedtime. We also split grocery store runs. I do bedtime 6 days a week. once baby is asleep at 8 we all get to sit. sometimes i jump on the bike trainer or go to the gym after bedtime.

admittedly my husband is a clean freak so he does all the bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, most of the laundry (I fold), and also does pretty much all the financial planning/maintenance for our household. so I think the obvious answer is I help with more chores but to be honest I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m white knuckling life every day. he’s told me he doesn’t “work” weekends so I’m the default parent every Saturday and Sunday unless I explicitly make plans to exercise and get his buy in to watch baby during that time.

he refuses to put her in daycare. I think I’m struggling as sometimes I picture my life if I was a single mom and it doesn’t look any different? It’s just instead of leaving my 15mo with my husband, I’d leave her at daycare. I recognize being a SAHD is exhausting. I recognize it’s work. I guess I just thought that outside our days jobs, child care and chores would be more evenly split?

I can’t get it out of my head. He’s a good guy and loves all of us but we’ve been considering me leaving my very well paying marketing leader career to stay home with the kids because I genuinely want to. We’ve been discussing it for the past 1.5 years. It was so hard sending my daughter to daycare & now with my mat leave ending with baby #2 I really want to stay home with them. It’s definitely the “harder” job caring for them but it’s so fulfilling and worth it to me. I love my kids and long to be with them. Especially in these early formative years. I believe it’s important.

We can financially live off my husbands income, he’s on board now but when we were discussing it all, I felt like he was initially very anti. He would say how our daughter is advanced because of daycare. She is developmentally very advanced but I feel like I should also get some credit for that? He also once expressed that it was maybe selfish of me to step back from work because I make so much money & can provide more opportunities/freedom for them (& him lol).

He has a stable job that is super chill. He works from home and has a lot of freedom - golfs, sleeps in, plays video games, walks etc. he helps around the house and with the kids when it makes sense to but I honestly think that he likes my income because he (&we, generally like nice things). He fell in love with me as a corporate woman who is smart, driven, dressed up lol. I changed a lot when I became a mom and i think some parts of that have surprised both of us.

I’m just worried if I do this that he won’t respect me the same or see the value of it. I fear if I do return to working like I was (60 hrs a week) that I will present him for the bougie leisure life he lives while I am in survival. This phase is hard either way, staying home is not the easier option but it’s worth it to me. I wish he could see the value in that. Has anyone else faced this?

Hi Friends (in my Ms Rachel voice)! Two months ago I left my corporate remote job to embark on this journey. I have 4 kids. 4.5, 3, 16 months and the oldest is an adult and while still at home works full-time (9p-5a)

I’d love to hear your (loose) schedules or advice of any kind.

I thought I’d be able to keep the house up and stay on top of laundry but I’m drowning. This is what my day looks like:

- Kids up by 6 am (they have always been early risers)
- Breakfast and get ready for the day
- Walk my 4.5 yr old to TK with the littles in the wagon then walk home, clean up, eat my own breakfast, let the little watch a little TV or play around the house
- Usually by 10 am we’re out of the house doing errands and then park
- Home for lunch and my 16 mo old naps and if I’m lucky my 3 yr old will nap too (but not usually)
- Leave by 1:50 to pick my 4.5 yr old from TK with the littles
- Snack and then depending on the weather either coloring inside or scooters/bikes outside

My husband gets home by 5:30 and by that time I’m spent and we still have dinner, bath, bedtime. Throughout the day I’m picking up or rinsing dishes or folding laundry but it feels endless.

I will say some days are hard but I feel quite privileged to be able to do this. I want my kids to be good people so I don’t want my stress of not getting to everything to impact them in any way.

3 months pp.

The first three months I was overcome with gratitude and happiness. It feels like something broke in me 4 days ago. We saw another couple who my husband is friends with and it stirred up a lot of insecurity (old feelings of being excluded, inferior, maybe a bit of jealousy) in me and now I’m in a funk I can’t shake. Maybe it’s just a bad week and I’m totally exhausted but I’m starting to worry it’s ppd.

I would love some opinions.

Here is what I’m feeling.
-Beating myself up; second guessing myself
-Brain fog
-Only patient with the baby. No patience with myself, husband or the dogs
-Reading into everything my husband does and hurting my own feelings
-So tired
-Indecisive
-Feeling like I have nothing to give
-Very limited level of output; feeling drained and exhausted after not doing much
-Clenching my jaw

I hate parks. But today I thought it was a beautiful morning so I took my son to a small neighborhood park. A good neighborhood park. But very small.

The moment we got there and settled on a bench to eat snacks, a man in all black came walking up and I just got a bad feeling in my gut. But I talked myself out of it and he said good morning and so did I. I figured he’s just stopping to get a drink of water and will keep walking. He was probably mid 40s. It’s 10am Thursday morning.

Well he did. He walked. Around and around and around and around the VERY small playground. In a loop. Where my son was playing. And we were alone. The playground is 2 slides and a 5’ long little walkway. That’s it. This man was just circling us like a shark.

I’m 5’3” 120lbs. I have three grocery bags of food from our brunch picnic and my purse and three drinks and toys and a bunch of shit. We had just gotten there.

This man proceeded to walk slowly around us in circles and every single time I looked up at him, he’s looking directly at me. When I say this loop/playground is MAYBE 60’ in diameter. It’s not like this man is getting his steps in or keeping his heart rate up. He wasn’t dressed for a run. He wasn’t sweating. He was acting like a predator.

Well. Then this mf sat down on the swing. My 2yo son could throw a stick and hit him. That’s how close the swings are. He’s just looking at us.

I knew if I told my son it was time to go it would make it very obvious I saw him as a threat. I wanted him to believe I was oblivious and not scared.
My son would be beyond pissed and wouldn’t come willingly if I immediately told him it was time to leave. So I called my sister and loudly told her we were on our way so the man knew someone was expecting us shortly. And so my son would get excited to go see his cousins. She stayed on the phone with me until we got to her house.

By the time I walked the very short distance to my car and threw my son in the back seat (didn’t even buckle him I just drove a couple blocks then strapped him in I was so beyond freaked out, this man was tall and could have easily and quietly ran up behind us), I turned around, and the man was fully gone. Gone. Swing still swaying.

I’ve never felt so unsettled and sick in my life. I’ve been in shit before alone, but never with my son. Never just fully without a way to defend myself.

So this is just a PSA. My parents told me I shouldn’t have put myself in that situation. It’s 10am in a neighborhood park. What? No. HE shouldn’t have put ME in that situation.

I have been putting off taking a firearm safety class. That’s happening. Self defense class is happening. Sister ordered us brass knuckles and punch knives and gun tasers. I am just so done feeling unsafe. In that moment, I’m the only line of defense for my son.

What is my fault is not being prepared to deal with a psycho. What is my fault is I’ve let this man shred my nervous system and pretty much ruin my day. But next time I won’t be caught feeling that helpless. Scared? Maybe. But not helpless.

That sucked and I don’t want any other mom to ever have to feel like that. Be safe. And don’t question your gut. If you feel unsafe, get out of there. Have someone you know will answer your call. Things do happen. And thank god nothing happened today.

First of I just want to say I just need to vent somewhere about my husband who thinks I am doing nothing all day. My day starts at 7:30am when I either wake up first or my toddler does, after that I change diaper plus brush teeth and give milk plus a banana while I make breakfast for the day. Once we have breakfast @8:30am I clean up toddler and the kitchen. 9-10am we play, have snacks and when the weather is nice we go to the park or outside to play, 11-12 we have our lunch and I clean up after lunch too and @ 1-4:30pm is nap time for the toddler and I lay down with toddler until falls asleep and while my toddler is napping I like to have a time for myself and I’ll take shower and then lay down because that’s the only time I get to lay down and relax. When husband gets home I’m in bed laying down and just watching videos or sometimes sleeping and my husband gets angry with me because I’m not doing any of the house chores that’s been building up. Just three weeks ago I did deep cleaning for bathrooms,master bedroom and living room but because of the round ligaments pain I choose to stop the deep cleaning for a while to try to not make the pain worse but the pain just getting worse as the weeks goes by and the house chores have been put on hold but my husband doesn’t agreed with that because I’m home all day so I should still be able to have time to clean no matter what. I made me super annoyed with my husband because he doesn’t help much with the toddler but wants me to do all the clean up in the kitchen, laundry, house chores and taking care of a toddler while he gets home and relax on the couch with headphones on watching stuff on his phone while I make dinner, clean the kitchen and then get the toddler ready for bed. When does all that stuff just stop because I’m really getting tired,stress and annoyed that I’m only one taking care of the house chores and the toddler.

Sorry my words are all over the place but I’m just so frustrated and annoyed that all my hard work is not enough according to my husband. He think I can do more than just making breakfast,lunch,dinner plus clean kitchen after every meal and have to entertain a toddler.

So I recently have noticed that my toddler listens so much better to me when I tell her to do something instead of telling her not to do something. For example, instead of telling her “don’t touch” for items she should not be playing with, I say “hands to ourself” and she’ll put her hands on her belly and leaves the object alone. I know this works for a lot of other moms so just curious if anyone can recommend any more fun and creative phrases for redirection? It’s helped GREATLY limit the amount of tantrums all day long and I love it haha

How do you do it? Honestly like exactly how? Do you have a daily to do list? A daily agenda? A routine?

Even down to clipping the kids finger nails, when they get too long I feel like the worst mum and think why don’t I do this on a weekly basis on the same day every week! Or even when to do the washing, when to do the food prep, when to exercise and also including fun activities with the kids.

Edited to add: 2.5Yo and 5.5Yo.

Hello 👋🏼 I’m wondering if anybody’s 3 year old has been to pre school a couple of days a week and has enjoyed it? My child has been to daycare before and didn’t like it (neither did I) and I was adamant nothing before age of 6 after that, but I’m really feeling I need a break at the moment. I have a very young baby and after a couple of really big personal things in the past couple of months (and being PP) I’m really struggling with their behaviour and being even a satisfactory parent while I’m grieving and stressed. It feels really relentless and I have no family to give me a little break. I’m really worried about harming his attachment too though as when I ask they say they doesn’t want to go and they are very attached to me. I do feel embarrassed that I feel I need a break when I know so many people manage perfectly without it. The whining and screaming feels relentless right now and I am finding little to no joy. I’m not in America, we don’t have Mother’s Day out programmes or church drop off programmes and I don’t feel comfortable putting my newborn in a gym crèche to have a break from the toddler and paying all that membership money to take my newborn to sit in a busy gym cafe for an hour sounds just as miserable.

I’m a new SAHM to a very active almost 3 year old and a 4 month old baby. I was fortunate that my husband had some paternity leave, but since he’s gone back to work I feel like I can’t get in a groove with the kids. I’m a mom who needs to get out of the house daily, but I am having a hard time figuring it out with two very different kid nap/feeding routines. I think part of my challenge is that my baby will not nap in a carrier, only if she is being held in a dark quiet room or constantly moving in a car or stroller. This makes me feel so limited on how I can get out and get my older child moving throughout the day. Any tips for getting out of the house with 2 while still getting my baby to nap so she doesn’t get big mad? 😅

Any others sahm’s with chronic illness? I have one daughter she will be 5 in a few months.. just curious how other moms are doing. I have fibromyalgia and hEDS have had two hip surgeries in the last 1- 1.5 years. Constantly managing pain and guilt.

Chatted with a mom at the library today that has a daughter the same age as mine and who is also pregnant and due the same month as me. Our girls played together super well and I’m kicking myself for not asking for her number as I was leaving.

Part of me just felt like it would be pushy considering we had only met like half an hour before, but now I don’t know if we’ll cross paths again because she said she doesn’t often get to the library for community events.

We’ll keep going so hopefully I cross paths with her again, but in the future - would you just ask on the first meeting or wait until you see each other a couple times?

I’m losing my mind y’all.
She’s 3 and is amazing at using the potty for pee. Has even been able to hold it overnight while sleeping.
But when it comes to pooping she acts like I’m torturing her.
She’ll go to a corner and do the poop face and I’ll ask here “hey are you pooping do you want to go on the potty” and she’ll shake her head and say “no it’s not ready yet” fair enough I’ll wait a bit and she’ll keep doing that all day and if I try to put her on the potty she freaks out.
She’ll make herself constipated she fights it so much so I’ve been putting a diaper on her so she can just get it out.
But then when it comes time to change her diaper she freaks out because she doesn’t like the wiping feeling. Again fair enough but girl if you don’t use the potty I have to wipe you down!
I’ve tried a potty chart and bribes but nothing works.

I'm at my wits end. My 3.5 year old is always finding ways to hurt my 10 month old as soon as I turn away. I "fill my toddler's cup" SO MUCH, but the aggressive is still the same. Just now he shoved his finger in the baby's eye while I was changing the baby's diaper. Wtf do you do in these situations?

As an older sibling myself, I always said I'd be extra patient and understanding with my oldest to avoid feelings of jealousy and lack of attention, but here I am, struggling and losing my shit with my oldest.