Trauma from molestation

[u/PuzzleheadedMess4025]

I’ve never spoken about this out loud, and I’m terrified to even type it, but I can’t carry this weight alone anymore. I know how the world views people with my thoughts. I know the labels people use, and I don't blame them. But I need to get the truth out because the guilt is eating me alive, and I want to heal. When I was around 7 to 10 years old, my older sister severely abused and molested me. During that exact same time, she introduced me to hardcore pornography. My developing brain couldn't process it, and I became deeply addicted to it before I even understood what sex or intimacy really meant.
Because of the trauma and the secret I was carrying, I completely shut down socially. All through middle school, high school, and even college, I was severely bullied. I was totally isolated. While everyone else was experiencing normal milestones—having crushes, going on dates, learning how to be liked by a girl—I was invisible. I never had a girlfriend. No girl ever looked at me or liked me. Deep down, I felt fundamentally broken and rejected, like my entire youth had been completely stolen from me.
Because my emotional growth got completely frozen at the age the abuse happened, I developed an attraction to younger girls. For a long time, I didn't understand why. But through looking inward, I've realized it’s because I’m unconsciously starving to experience the innocent youth, acceptance, and young romance that my sister and my peers took away from me. It feels like a desperate longing to go back and fix the years I missed out on. The strangest part is that now that I am an adult, women have actually started chasing me and showing interest. But it creates this massive internal crisis. My adult life is moving forward, but emotionally, a part of me is still stuck in that painful, isolated childhood.
I want to be completely clear: I have never acted on these thoughts, and I am committed to never hurting anyone. But carrying this hidden pain while trying to navigate adult relationships feels impossible. I feel trapped between the trauma of my past and the reality of my present. I don’t want to live in fear and shame forever. Has anyone else experienced their developmental milestones being completely disrupted by early childhood trauma, and how do you begin to heal, process that grief, and safely build a normal adult life after this?

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