r/rant • u/Serious_Wish3862 • 1d ago
I’m so sick of being single 😮💨
I’m 36f, and I’m genuinely exhausted by dating. I’m tired of putting myself out there, getting excited about someone, being disappointed, and having to pick myself back up just to do it all over again.
I’m tired of hearing “it’ll happen when you least expect it” or “just focus on yourself.” I DO focus on myself. I have friends, hobbies, a career, and a life I genuinely enjoy. But why does wanting someone to share that life with feel like such an impossible ask?
I want someone who’s excited about me. Someone who makes an effort, communicates consistently, and doesn’t leave me questioning where I stand. I want to feel wanted, desired, and genuinely loved. I don’t think that’s asking for the fucking moon.
And the worst part is how much the constant disappointment starts fucking with your self-worth. You start wondering what’s wrong with you. Am I not attractive enough? Interesting enough? Am I too much? Not enough? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else?
I know my worth isn’t determined by whether someone wants to date me, but holy shit, it’s hard not to internalize rejection when it keeps happening.
And please spare me the “being single is better than being in a bad relationship” speech. I KNOW. That’s why I refuse to settle. And yes, I’m in therapy 🙃
I’m just fucking lonely. I’m tired of being strong and independent. I’m tired of pretending I’m completely content being alone. I’m tired of starting over. More than anything, I’m terrified that I’ll never find someone who loves me the way I want to love them.
I don’t need another pep talk. I just needed to get this off my chest because this shit fucking hurts and sucks.
26
u/NobleSAVAGE93 1d ago
People have forgotten how to struggle and commit. Love is struggle and people will walk away the second they feel a situation doesn't fit them. Thats why we are slaves.
We have so much and yet we have passion for nothing. Work, freedom, relationships. The faster you understand this the safer your heart will be
5
u/Serious_Wish3862 18h ago
I do think there’s some truth to this, especially when it comes to how quickly people seem willing to move on rather than genuinely investing in getting to know someone. I know I’ve even been in situations after a first date where I’ve questioned whether there was a romantic connection. But I’ve learned to ask myself, “Regardless of whether I felt an immediate spark, did I enjoy this person’s company enough to want to see them again?” I think sometimes we’re so focused on finding instant chemistry that we overlook the possibility of a connection developing naturally over time. Not everything meaningful has to happen immediately.
13
u/donpablomiguel 17h ago
As a 36m I totally understand you girl. You are heard and your feelings are valid. 💕
9
12
u/Acrobatic_Being3934 14h ago
We are having a crazy disconnection as a
Culture. I think partially these apps allow the worst is and there is no repercussions for being bad like there are when you meet someone at work or in your social group. Who will know you used and ghosted someone other then the person who is used and discarded. No one will shame them and they never have to be responsible for their actions.
3
1
9
u/Frustrated_Zucchini 1d ago
I used to feel like this... and then I landed in a relationship which turned abusive and pushed me to the point where I made an attempt on my life.
After that, single-dom was a relief and allowed me to focus on myself.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself to find someone because you risk settling on the wrong person.
Once I became happy being single (and also a little selfish about what I wanted in my life) then occasional dating was much easier as I never put any pressure on it. I later found the love of my life by complete chance and we got married last year.
There is always the right person out there, sometimes you have to let the universe bring you together.
3
u/Serious_Wish3862 18h ago
Thank you for sharing. I relate to this more than you know. 😭 I’ve also experienced an abusive relationship, and getting out of it taught me so much about myself, my worth, and what I will never settle for again. I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself and genuinely enjoy the life I’ve built. I think sometimes the loneliness just catches up with me, even when I know I’m perfectly capable of being happy on my own.
I’m so incredibly sorry for what you went through, but I’m genuinely happy you’ve found the love and happiness you deserve. Thank you for sharing your story and giving me a little hope🖤
16
u/strokeswan 1d ago
Just stop trying. That's what people mean when they say "focus on yourself".
I'm not saying "let yourself go", but if it's on your mind constantly, you might give off some wrong signals.
It's about accepting to be enough for yourself. It's about being confident in your life and body. That's attractive. And it attracts the right kind of people.
Don't look for someone, let it come to you.
5
u/Serious_Wish3862 18h ago
I appreciate this perspective, and I do agree that being comfortable and confident in yourself is important. I think there’s a healthy balance between being open to finding a relationship and not making it your primary focus. I certainly go through periods where I actively put myself out there and others where I take a step back. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making an effort to meet someone, though. Sometimes the frustration just catches up with you, regardless of how happy you are with your life otherwise.
4
u/Amdusiasparagus 1d ago
Oh yeah, I know that one. Mid 30's, gave up on dating. I did learn how to make peace with it though, so I'm more or less okay with it now. Still feels weird at times to wonder what it's like to be with someone who loves you back, but the thoughts don't stay for long.
But I empathize all the same, it's not great to feel inadequate.
7
u/Distahs 1d ago
Lol you sound like me. Up down all around I learned that. Honestly I thought my picker was broken. Couldn't figure out why I found myself in some really shitty situations. I just stopped trying, Point blank. I wanted for so long I was finding the wrong person testing the definition of insanity. I found me through the outdoors hiking hundreds of miles, reading books on psychology, relationships, spirituality, religion, even countless self help. Sometimes we hope so hard the universe gives us more hope but, no resolution. You can hope or wish someone be but, that's all you give a hope or wish. If you trust they will be than the universe gives. I didn't know until my second divorce that, me was part of the problem. I grew up poor, unstable family, no good perennial guidance. I did find the one for me in the end, all life is work in progress. 31 was when I pulled my head out of my ass, 11 years later I have what I was missing, my own family.
2
9
u/no_talent_ass_clown 1d ago
The good ones get snapped up immediately. Hang in there! Somewhere out there is a guy who is currently becoming single and when he gets over his drama and decides to stick his head out of the sand you'll be there!
I met my bf on the beach in India 10 years ago.
3
5
u/QuestionablePotato42 1d ago
Honestly dude, same. 34 years old here and after a slew of heart breaks I was just like “fuck it” and decided I didn’t care anymore. Didn’t even date casually just to fuck, I literally just stopped caring. Decided I was happy to be alone. Then out of nowhere ran into someone I almost dated like 5 years ago but it never went anywhere. We started talking and it’s been eye opening. Can’t even remember a time I felt this optimistic about a relationship. It’s still new so who knows where it will go but it feels promising. I know you said you didn’t want to hear the pep talk, not that this is really much of one at all, but the timing in this shit can be weird. Just when I was officially done and happy to be alone for the first time in my life it appears I’ve met the girl of my dreams. Timing is weird like that. Not saying it will or won’t happen for you, but you never know.
2
u/Serious_Wish3862 18h ago
I really appreciate you sharing this! And I can definitely relate to reaching that “fuck it” point. 😂 I’m also just not wired for casual hookups, so I’ve always been more interested in finding something meaningful than dating just for the sake of dating. I genuinely enjoy my independence, but I’d also love to have someone to share my life with. I think sometimes the repeated disappointments just catch up with you.
I’m really happy you’ve found someone who makes you feel that optimistic again! It’s refreshing to hear stories like yours, and I hope things continue going well for you both!!
3
2
u/Runningcolt 22h ago
Thank you for sharing. I imagine it's the sort of thing that gnaws at the soul if you keep it inside too long.
What does your therapist say when you bring this up with them?
What's your approach to finding people to date?
2
u/Serious_Wish3862 18h ago
Thank you for the thoughtful response! My therapist and I have actually done quite a bit of work around relationships, self-worth, and navigating the dating process. I’ve also been doing EMDR therapy for about a year for various reasons, which has been an incredibly valuable part of my personal growth.
A lot of our conversations focus on accepting that dating is ultimately a numbers game, learning not to take rejection personally, and continuing to build a fulfilling life outside of romantic relationships. I have wonderful friendships, hobbies, and things I’m passionate about, so dating certainly isn’t my entire identity. I tend to go through phases where I’m more intentional about putting myself out there, and other times when I take a step back.
As far as my approach, I’m genuinely not afraid to put myself out there. I recognize that rejection and disappointment are part of the process, and I try to approach meeting people with an open mind. I don’t really have a specific physical type. I’m much more interested in someone’s personality, values, ambition, emotional maturity, and whether our goals align.
I think I’m generally pretty optimistic about dating, but that doesn’t mean the repeated disappointments don’t occasionally catch up with me. I think that’s where I was emotionally when I wrote this post. Sometimes you can have a healthy perspective on something and still be really exhausted by it 😂
1
u/Runningcolt 10h ago edited 5m ago
I'm so glad to hear you're already doing better! It sounds like you have a lot of agency in your life, so it makes sense you get frustrated by the parts that makes you feel a bit despondent.
Taking a step back when you need it seems both prudent and necessary. It can be an emotional toll when you juggle new people and expectations. I remember what it was like, and at times it almost felt like a chore.
It sounds like you have a lot of reasons for being optimistic about dating though. You know what you want. You're on the lookout for emotional maturity. You seem non-judgemental, and you're at the right age where people want to start settling down. I know you didn't want a pep talk, but to me it seems like you have nothing to worry about. I hope you feel better today, and hit the numbers game again when you're ready.
I played the numbers game eight years ago (when I started dating my gf after meeting a bunch of utterly non-compatible women - and talking to even more of them on Tinder). At times I felt a lot like you do now, and the only cure I know is to keep the choo choo running. Now I'm currently engrossed in the joys of fatherhood. I talked to a bunch of the fathers in the kindergarten and we all met our partners on Tinder (some years ago). The apps help with the numbers bit, but can also be a bit of a pitfall in this day and age. Maybe the apps are culturally different from country to country and year to year too, but it's a great way to do a little light pre-screening before you waste any time and effort on seeing someone.
2
u/flowfordayz13 9h ago
Dang, I feel yah. My same gripes too. 33m. Everyone around me seems to find people no problem, and me? Lucky to get anything. Everyone tells me the same things and I’m over it. Idk what to anymore.
4
u/Serious_Wish3862 9h ago
Right! Everyone else…I have some friends who married young, got divorced, and are already on their second marriage. I’m just over here, hanging out 😂
5
u/Dependent-Plane5522 1d ago
Dating sites are free for women. Try being single male.
6
u/MousseSecret7113 22h ago
Not sure why you got downvoted lol
Being a woman makes it 100x easier to find a date
0
u/No_Telephone_6213 16h ago
Finding a date and a relationship are completely different things. Ijs
1
0
1
1d ago edited 1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Serious_Wish3862 1d ago
I’m so sorry to hear all this. I hope everything works out for you both.
I don’t believe I explicitly stated that I expected a relationship to solve my problems? I’m perfectly capable of being happy and independent on my own while simultaneously wanting romantic companionship. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive. Wanting love doesn’t mean I’m looking for someone to “fix me”.
1
u/Ordinary_Topic_3198 1d ago
Any hobbies and interests you really enjoy doing? Perhaps there are groups out there who share the same passion. You may meet someone there.
Just be careful with these online dating sites lately. Way too many scammers according to my friend who’s in our age group and is using it.
I’d hook you both up, but I wouldn’t be doing you a favor. He can’t even keep a damn job lol.
2
u/Serious_Wish3862 1d ago
I’ve tried different running groups, trivia or bingo events (I’m a grandma at heart when it comes to bingo), I go to A LOT of concerts, and I go to various craft beer group events. I’ve kept going to all things because I enjoy them! Just not getting any romantic relation vibes from them.
Thankfully I’ve never fallen victim to a scam but I know some who have. It’s awful. Bahahah I appreciate the offer and honesty 😂
0
2
u/Serious_Wish3862 18h ago
That part about wondering what it’s like to have someone love you back really got me 💔 I think one of my biggest fears is eventually reaching a point where I stop believing it’s possible for me. I’m glad you’ve found some peace with where you are in life, but I also hope you get to experience the kind of love and companionship you deserve someday, if that’s still something you want. Thank you for sharing.
1
2
u/slavicslothe 1d ago
I cant tell fully due to low detail but it seems like you are the one dumping people? It may be you are a subconsciously afraid to settle or have some unrealistic expectations.
3
u/Serious_Wish3862 1d ago
Ironically, I am not doing most of the dumping. Sure, some here and there but not the majority of the time.
1
u/MindlessYesterday668 21h ago
That's ok. You still have an option to choose what's best for you instead of settling to whoever comes around. I wish you the best and hope you find the one.
2
u/PlatyNumb 1d ago
I met my wife on Hinge. Ill recommend anyone seriously wanting a relationship to try hinge and take advantage of all the unique things you can add to your profile, even if it embarasses you. It showcases your personality. If youre just looking to hook up, go elsewhere.
6
u/Serious_Wish3862 1d ago
Unfortunately I haven’t had much luck presently or in the past on Hinge.
2
-3
u/Hawk_Moon 1d ago
So what are your flaws?
4
u/Serious_Wish3862 1d ago
I wasn’t aware I needed to submit a personal performance review to vent about being exhausted by dating.
0
u/Americano_Joe 23h ago
<< Gives side eye while marking his evaluation sheet on clipboard >> "combative about giving personal performance review to vent"
0
u/Difficult-Shop149 1d ago
Any woman I know who are single Middle Aged have the time of their lives better than any married person . Maybe men should have hat attitude
0
u/deletedalre 22h ago
I'm read the comments and it looks like you're getting options. There was a post about a girl crying about 'some men drown while other die of thirst' It just funny because everyone truthful knows how hyper hypergamy has become. If you went to a uni you could see it in real life. But I think you might've had your chances but you blew it looking for something greener on the other side
2
u/Serious_Wish3862 18h ago
If by “looking for something greener on the other side” you mean leaving an abusive relationship years ago, then yes, I suppose I did. And I’d make that same decision a thousand times over.
2
u/melpomenos 15h ago
"Hypergamy" is a misunderstanding of the situation that men are more easily satisfied by relationships (and better off in bad relationships than single, even, to judge by health statistics) whereas women generally only benefit from a relationship if it's a high-quality one. Yes, people's standards are likely quite unrealistic right now. Does that mean that settling is a good idea? Not for women, necessarily.
-2
u/notmepleaseokay 12h ago
How about love yourself be live life by decentering men? You’ll be so much happier
3
u/Serious_Wish3862 11h ago
I’m genuinely confused why wanting romantic companionship automatically translates to not loving myself or centering my entire life around men 😂 I can love myself, enjoy my independence, and still want to share my life with someone. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.
0
u/notmepleaseokay 7h ago
Bc your said your “sick” of being single.
If you truly enjoyed your independence and all that, then you wouldn’t be sick of it. The disappointment from dating wouldn’t matter as much. It’s bc you’re still centering dating and putting a lot of importance on it.
Also, if you truly loved and accepted yourself you wouldn’t be asking if you’re X, Y, or Z enough.
I am talking from experience, as I was in your shoes before. I decentered dating and focused on my personal happiness. Now there’s no disappointment or second guessing myself. It is what it is.
Ofc you can still desire a partner, I do. But I am not sick of being single.
-2
u/EpsteinFile_01 9h ago edited 9h ago
Your sense of worth is absolutely tied to being able to find a partner. That's why you posted this, and most people don't want to be alone after a certain age. There's nothing wrong with that, honestly anyone genuinely believing otherwise is the odd one out and there's so much toxic emotional cope around this. Therapists are often very guilty of fueling that cope too.
The good news is you can figure things out and make yourself more attractive for potential partners as well as figuring out if the guys you go for are the right ones. But that requires a rational approach and accepting that emotional coping mechanisms are not helping in this situation.
It's painful. But not as painful as turning 40.. 50.. 60.. 70.. alone with life having peaked in your mid thirties cause you never progressed to finding a mate and building something beautiful while your friends slowly grow more and more distant because they do have relationships and families. The intimacy of a loving relationship is unmatched.
I'm gonna catch a lot of flak from this from people who either live happy lives with partners not realizing how tltheirclives would be if all of that vanished overnight, or people who are single and buried the thought of what life is genuinely going to like like growing old very deep.
This entire topic is chock full of comments proving my point and that people are not truly happy with "giving up and being happy alone". It's kind of in the sentence. Giving up.
"If it's just for me, what's the point?" Gets more and more real as you age.
28
u/MagnumPEisenhower 1d ago
Damn, I could've written this.