r/racism • u/AbaloneCat • Jun 27 '26
Personal/Support I’m slipping into being racist.
I’m a POC woman living in an urban area, and at least four times in the past year, I’ve been verbally assaulted by black women, both at work and on the bus. I work as a customer representative for a non-profit where most of the clientele are impoverished (living off SSI, dealing with trauma or health issues or addiction), so I try my best to be compassionate and understanding, excusing them for their behavior. But over time, it’s been wearing me down. Though I don’t appear it on the outside (especially as a “model minority”), I have deep trauma in my past too. I understand it isn’t comparable, because black women have gotten it way worse throughout history and even today, but knowing this logically doesn’t always help.
Yesterday was the worst incident. A black woman boarded the bus I was on, and the driver (black, and neurodivergent as I am) said she needed to pay fare. She argued that she didn’t need to, other buses let her on so he should too. She had a young daughter in a stroller. He eventually let her on but she was pissed. She yelled for ten minutes straight - how dare he talk to her like that, that he’s not a man, that God was on her side and he‘s the devil, so on and so forth. She was lucid and wearing newer, nicer clothes than I wear, so not someone who was mentally incapacitated. The driver was arguing back with her but she was drowning him out. Two others on the bus started getting involved cheering her on and I started feeling sick to my stomach because this bus driver has always been nice/professional from my repeated observations. The little girl looked scared and she looked over at me so I smiled and waved to her (no response, she had that PTSD veteran expression), and my stop was coming up so I got up to exit, and I paused to smile and wave at her again (stupid, I know, in hindsight). I knew what I was doing, I was trying to deescalate the situation between her and the driver, and I shouldn’t have gotten involved. The woman, who was still yelling at the driver, saw and got up in my face and started yelling at me - how dare I go up to her daughter. On repeat. I tried to explain her daughter had been looking at me and she kept yelling she didn’t care what her daughter did, you do not come up to her. I thought she was going to punch me. The black man who was cheering her on from the back continued cheering for her berating me. The driver and I exchanged apologies/words of support as I disembarked with her still nonstop yelling.
One day later, I’m still shaken about it. I know I shouldn’t take it personally because clearly something was going on, but it was the cherry on top of similar incidents of being verbally attacked by black women, and I have noticed my thoughts becoming racist.
It’s incongruous because being in the most diverse place in the country, black people here are the least noticeably monolothic of anywhere else. Not only is there a huge percentage of black people that don’t verbally attack anyone, there are tons of neurodivergent ones that I’ve bonded with among my clientele, and even non-neurodivergent black women that are ”loud“ that I love and who love me back.
I am ashamed to think, what would these women who love me think if they knew that I’m allowing this small percentage of rude/entitled/aggressive black women to get under my skin to the point I’m slipping into racist thoughts?
Anyway, I just had to get this off my chest, because there’s no one I can’t talk to about this IRL, it’s such a sensitive topic. Even my own boyfriend would be disgusted if he knew where my thoughts were going.
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u/yellowmix Jun 28 '26
It's not clear what the actual "racist thoughts" are.
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u/AbaloneCat Jun 28 '26
Just feeling animosity towards these women and having angry thoughts like “black women are the worst”, which I KNOW is not true, because of the aforementioned black women I love. It’s a generalizing thought like “not all black women are awful, but the majority of the worst women around here are black”. I’m ashamed even admitting those thoughts.
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u/yellowmix Jun 29 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
You're seeing one aspect of a person. Since you do work with many of these people do you get a chance to read about or hear their stories? When say you're a customer representative it sounds like you're possibly visiting them at home as an outsider, encountering them at stressful times which can bring out the worst in people.
When I say "their" stories I don't mean specific people you encounter. I'm talking about how poor Black people live. You need some kind of counterbalance to seeing their reaction to a seemingly hopeless, hostile world. Then you can see it's happening all across the country and all across the world to all sorts of people. From post-industrial rural towns to Appalachia to sheer abject poverty in the global South. It doesn't have to be this way. Keep your eyes on the prize.
Contemplating a past you can't change is a luxury and achieves nothing. Think about action and what can be done. If you're doing what you can, then focus on what gives you joy. We can't be all work. If you get an intrusive thought put it out of mind.
The other half to this is forming a strong self-identity. In terms of knowing who you are (and generally what you are trying to do) no matter what anyone else says or does. It takes a lot of work to do that. Then that stuff just bounces off.
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u/AbaloneCat Jun 29 '26
Thank you for this reply.
Even though poor black people do share their stories of hardship with me, especially when they’re asking for lenience at my job around policies, I don’t believe I can truly KNOW what it’s like unless I immerse myself in their world, actually go to their home and witness their day-to-day and see their histories. When people ask me for leniency in a neutral/kind way, I am more than eager to do so, but I when I’m met with what feels like aggression or entitlement I do not. And each time the latter happens, I have judgments (such as “they’re complaining about not having enough money for food because they only get $150 in food stamps, when my monthly budget for food is less than that due to my low salary” and “I work so hard 40 hours a week and they are living on SSI and have more disposable income at the end of the month, buying things I cannot. And on top of it, they’re treating me like this.” When I was younger, I would never have thought like this, because I was freer and had less responsibility. I think this is what they call “creeping conservatism” that comes with age, the resentment of having to work hard and suck it up and to make judgments that others should do so as well. My younger self would’ve never guessed this would be me now.
You make a good point about self-identity. I don’t have the strongest one. I also have a temper and a strong will but have tamped it down and stuffed it down, so maybe there is something there too.
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u/yellowmix Jun 29 '26
Like you said, we can't know, and don't know each others' struggles. Do you understand we are all under capitalism which creates class strata so we hate each other when billionaires exist?
Liberalism emphasizes individuality, which leads to conservative/reactionary "self-responsibility". When you hear Democrats adopting those conservative points, then you should know the rich established ones and the ones that want to be are a controlled opposition.
Hence, welfare is sabotaged and framed to create the resentment you feel. You have a future and a home elsewhere. Your clients don't and are trapped where they are. You have hope. Many of them have been drained.
I think this is what they call “creeping conservatism” that comes with age
That is a reactionary myth. Many people become leftist when they learn about history and the systems that pit us against each other. They don't teach that stuff in school. But fetuses can learn racism and other -isms while in the last trimester of pregnancy.1
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u/AbaloneCat Jun 29 '26
Thank you for having this discussion with me. You’ve given me a lot of food for thought, especially this part:
“ Hence, welfare is sabotaged and framed to create the resentment you feel. You have a future and a home elsewhere. Your clients don't and are trapped where they are. You have hope. Many of them have been drained. “
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u/yellowmix Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
There's a saying that being poor is expensive. Food in particular is expensive due to food deserts, fear of spoiling and cooking going awry (can't make mistakes), upfront costs of cooking (need cookware, pantry, etc..), so pre-made food tends to be more rational when you're hungry. Poverty is a mindset focused on today because there is not necessarily a tomorrow.
It seems you're experienced so if I'm telling you stuff you already know I apologize.
If you want analysis to aid your work and life, I suggest Angela Y. Davis, Women, Race, and Class.
Edit: I will also recommend Invisible Child by Andrea Elliott. It is a non-fiction account of a child in New York City.
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u/journeytonowhere Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
We all have racism internalized to a degree if we're living in a racist society.Good thing is you can recognize your biases and work on them and not let them get in the way of your work. This reminds me of a thread on r/socialwork that might add perspective.
There's also compassion fatigue common in this line of work.
Remember they've had to survive using some of these techniques of being demanding. There's also learned helplessness, invasive questions to prove they qualify, and being passed from one unreliable worker to the next.
Also, friend of mine in social services shared that some of the worst clients are the whyte ppl who feel entitled and demand service as if they're shopping at a store.
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u/Aleri_liv Jul 04 '26
Nice clothes does not mean that the person is mentally well. That woman does not sound like someone who is doing well mentally. As someone who work with people who have episodes of mental illness I would say that you shouldn’t intercede with a physically or verbally agitated person unless you are put in a place where you have to. When you have to try to ensure that the proper authorities are doing it instead if you can. Lastly, why would you interactions with a few people define what you think about an entire race?
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u/QuitaQuites Jul 04 '26
What if you considered how hard this woman, and black womens lives are that she is this angry? Also you mentioned you’re neurodivergent, so perhaps there’s also some introspection there?
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u/yellowmix Jul 03 '26
We are collaborating with researchers from Cornell University on a survey about participation in r/racism. We're interested in hearing from everyone, from long time posters to first time readers. If you're interested, you can find the survey here. If you have any questions, please reach out to u/SarahAGilbert via DM or email sag284@cornell.edu