r/polyfamilies • u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 • 20d ago
Invited to my son's polyamorous commitment ceremony—not sure if I should attend. Looking for advice.
/r/polyadvice/comments/1wpewon/invited_to_my_sons_polyamorous_commitment/24
u/uu_xx_me 19d ago
you say in one of your comments you're just worried about him getting hurt. getting hurt can happen in any relationship. do you know how many people cheat on their partners in monogamous relationships? how many monogamous relationships end in divorce?
you're letting your bias get in the way of your relationship with your son. this reminds me of parents who refuse to come to their gay children's weddings. it's time to do the work and support your son's choices.
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u/Pomegranate_971 19d ago
I read a lot of your comments on the post and you seem to not be understanding that your son is also in a relationship with this third person. Your son loves this person and is committing to them.
So I’d say stop looking at it from a “you” lens. You say you’d be jealous if anyone was affectionate towards your wife. But this is not about you. It’s about your son and daughter in law being in love and having a ceremony to celebrate it.
I’m under the impression you focus too much on the sexual aspect of it, this is about love. And yeah, your son is in love as well, with a man (is there some homophobia to work around?).
You don’t need to wrap your head about everything right now. Just show up, smile, say “congratulations” to the three of them. And when you’re ready, give the guy a chance and get to know him. He must be an amazing person if your son and his wife chose him.
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u/Submarineto 17d ago
I was wondering this, but didn't read many of the comments on the other post. OP, this is a very important take to consider.
Both of my partners are bisexual men, one is not out to his parents and I don't know about the other - I have assumed he is, but I should ask - but I did keep thinking about that while reading the OP.
My sibling who raged about my sisters throuple kept assuming that our BIL was wanting to have his cake and eat it too by having two partners, not realising that our sister is bisexual
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u/Kithslayer 20d ago
YWBTA if you didn't go.
Your son is looking to publicly honor his relationships, and not going would make you quite the asshole.
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u/round_a_squared 20d ago
If you can be decent and polite about it, of course you should. Your son wants you there and wants to have you involved in his family
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u/thatgreenevening 19d ago
Given your comments on the other post, the best thing you could do is attend, smile, give a nice card or gift or any other thing you’d normally do for a two-person wedding, say “congratulations” and keep all your other opinions to yourself.
If you start in on “I don’t understand how my son can be happy about his wife having another lover” when they are literally inviting you to celebrate their happiness with them, you will damage the relationship even more than if you didn’t go at all.
Honestly if you have access to therapy you should be talking to a therapist about your inability to grasp that your son is a different person from you with his own relationship preferences and expectations that do not need to align with yours.
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u/MartyrOfTheJungle 20d ago
If you were to be remarried and your son was in a polyamorous relationship, would you assume that he wouldn't want to come to your wedding?
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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 19d ago
I see what you are saying, but in the cases of a parent's remarriage, kids don't have their other parent in the same ceremony right?
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u/Submarineto 17d ago
For a long time I thought I was the only polyamorous/non-monogamous person in my family.
Then my sister and her husband brought a friend to Christmas. My Nana picked up a gift she had brought for this friend, rushed over and hugged her saying "welcome to the family"
Now they live together in one home, with two children who have different mum's and the same dad. The two mum's are incredibly close and love each other dearly. They are a happy little family and you know what - I have never felt the need to question it, and that is in part because my Nana set the bar in our family of accepting instead of questioning. She did a great thing for our entire family that day.
Now - was there fall out? Yes, our other sibling lost their mind over the whole thing. They're ok and supportive now but it has taken about 6 years. Ultimately us two just grey rocked this sibling until they came out the other side and started asking questions instead of hurling accusations.
Be like my Nana - when people you love do things that you don't understand, just accept that they are working towards their own goals and happiness and congratulate them. It's nicer to be involved in their lives than cut off right?
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u/Submarineto 17d ago
I am personally the hinge in a polycule that is gradually becoming more of a trouple, and the idea of being able to celebrate my commitment to my partners, and possibly them to each other one day sounds beautiful. I'd love for each of our families to be supportive. I think it's very brave of your son, DIL and FS(kind of)IL to invite family along to the commitment ceremony
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u/U_Nomad_Bro 20d ago
You say that you want to maintain a strong relationship with your son and his wife. And just like at the gym, it's effort that builds strength. So make an effort.
If polyamory is still "new and unfamiliar" to you after three years knowing your son is polyamorous, change that! Learn more and get familiar with what polyamory means.
I recommend the book When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous: Understanding Poly People and Relationships, by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff. It's short and accessible. You can read it in a weekend.
For a longer dive into the topic, there's also Supporting Someone Polyamorous: FAQs About Non-Monogamy and Allyship for Family, Friends and Loved Ones, by Lola Phoenix.
You may not realize it, but your son has made a significant effort to maintain a strong relationship with you. Many polyamorous people do not come out to their parents or invite them to major life events. As difficult as it was, as much as he may have feared the outcome, your son has included you in the details of his life and is inviting you to share in a major milestone.
So I hope that you will reach toward him, as he has been reaching toward you.
What to expect at the ceremony? Loving people pledging their love. Something similar to a wedding.
What message will you be sending by attending? Love, I hope.
I certainly don't think anyone will assume you are enthusiastically endorsing polyamory. People don't attend weddings to proclaim a sociopolitical position, they attend to show love.
So love your son and be there for him.