I use poacher because I cant think of a better one.

I’ve been divorced for a while and I just got remarried. Before my wedding some people did ask how I was feeling and what my ex is up to (I’m happy, and I don’t know.)

My maid of honor was at my first wedding, and she was there when I initiated the divorce, and she knows all the details of the poly debacle. We were talking about all that one night and it came up how some of our friends were a little too weirdly excited about the marriage being open suddenly. Turned out they had wanted to fuck my husband and figured they’d gotten the golden ticket. Ew.

One of them though, I didn’t see it coming and I do wonder what she might say to me if I were to meet her face to face now.

I knew nothing about it. Until I saw she was in my city and reached out with a friendly message asking how long she was in and wanting to meet up. She didn’t reply. She abruptly removed me from her facebook.

But she was dumb and forgot I was on her Insta. I guess she thought she was “safe” now because photos of her with my ex husband all over her and “I love you!” and some sus “anniversary“ dates. Which since I was no longer on her facebook and she clearly forgot I had instagram, she figured I would not see.

Now, I did not give a shit she was fucking my ex husband. What I did care about was it was clearly being kept a secret so when that started may or may not have even been when we were divorced. I also care that she severed our friendship to go fuck my ex husband. Then both of them plastered it all over socials like everything was above board.

My MoH agreed that was some fucked up behavior. She says she stopped talking to him after our divorce because she just didn’t trust him anymore and she was also surprised how some people were acting. She agreed with me that being poly doesn’t mean everyone gets their chance with someone’s spouse now. My ex isn’t even particularly stunning either. And he’s certainly gotten…weirder looking with time.

But I guess when you basically surround yourself with people who have that attitude it’s not hard to get attention.

Well, I believe this proves that they have no understanding of monogamy and the difference between sexual and romantic attraction XD

Regardless of how one feels about the Free Press as a publication or the author’s opinions about other topics (I certainly don’t agree with both entities about many things) figured others here would appreciate this!

Yeah, I know, one HELL of a title 😂. TW: Polybombing, Sexual assult/rape.

But unfortunately it's true. About 2 years ago I FINALLY escaped my abusive ex, hooray!

During this time I got closer to our previously shared friend group. Two of which swooped in to help me move all my belongings an hour away in less than a day. Seems like they were my knights in shining armor, huh? Fantastic friends there in my greatest moment of need.

No. Of course not 🤣.

We're going to take a trip down context road real quick:

So the two people above I will call M and B. I had begun playing DnD (the stereotype, I know) with this group back in 2022. It was M,B three other people and most notably M's roomate, W.

So M and B are engaged, and have been for as long as I knew them. They, however, do not live together and only sometimes see eachother once a week outside of DND. I always got odd, flirty vibes from M and W . (You know where this is going) It seemed to Amp up around the time I was having to move. So I raised my concerns to B around what looked like blatant emotional cheating.

This was about 3 years into our friendship. What we had been told is that M and W were "best friends" this whole time. But when, in reality they were in a relationship. This revelation was very shocking because I had considered us good friends and something as big as this was kept hidden for reasons I still don't understand. We all had a friendship where we'd talk about past traumas, hopes and dreams, ect. So this was...strange.

During when I was moving I stayed with M and W for the night. W and me overtime had a falling out and weren't the closest anymore. But I was still kind and amiable. W knew everything that was going on in my life, but didn't even bother to return a simple "hello" the whole time o was there. They would pass me by and go to their room.

While me and M were hanging out, M asks what my future plans are for relationship. I, of course, JUST had a traumatic ending to an almost 10 year relationship. (Another thing of note is I am on the aroace spectrum, so relationships require a whole other degree of things to work out.) I said that was kind of my lowest priority right now, and in general. M then keeps saying that me and W have being bisexual in common, and how W has been looking for a girlfriend. Along with mentioning W likes me quite a bit. Mind you, THIS IS LIKE 2 HOURS AFTER LEARNING THEY WERE IN A POLYCULE AND M IS ALREADY TRYING TO HOOK ME UP WITH W!!!!

One thing of note is that M is a sex repulsed asexual. Where as I am a sex repulsed-neutral ace. But both of their partners were allosexual. (Or "normal") And they mentioned it was nice when their partner had people to...engage with in that way. It felt incredibly gross, like they were trying to pass me off to their girlfriend like a sex doll. There was an underlying feeling that because I wasn't totally repulsed, it was okay offer me up to someone else...? 🤮

My friendship eventually fell apart with M when I began to see other toxic patterns unrelated to poly. But me and B remained friends and he even moved to the same city I was going to. We got a lot closer emotionally (or so I thought) during this time. It was about 9 months after I moved that B shared some of his own sexual traumas (which I have since learned was all fake and stolen stories from his exes) he, in turn asked me about mine.

I had only ever been with one person, my ex. I won't get into rhe details but my ex groomed me when I was 15/16 and he was 21. That relationship left me with wounds so deep I may never heal from them in truth. But, B was very kind and saying that there is...many ways to heal. And kepy dropping little hints that essentially, I should sleep with someone to heal like he did. To "take your power back" or whatever. I was still very emotionally vulnerable and conceded that I only had the one bad experience. And maybe it wouldn't be bad to have another experience one day.

B keeps reinforcing its a great idea and how "it would be a shame for someone so beautiful to go celibate because of one evil person." I eventually picked up on his heavy flirting and pointed it out. He apologized, admitting he had a "crush" on me since he first met me but he never wanted to make it weird. (Which to his credit, he hadn't up until then)

I said I wasn't looking for a relationship, nor or potentially ever and left. However that week I made the mistake of dwelling on his "sex can be empowering" pep talk. I had spent so long feeling like I would forever live in the shadow of the trauma ny ex put me through. I knew he had done FWB's before, and at that stage in my life that was all I was open to. (And even then, I still don't know how open to it I was. It felt like he was pushing me along to that point a bit)

Eventually I reached out asking if he'd want to be FWB's and how that would factor into the polycule. I found out him and M already had the discussion of him sleeping with me....3 years ago. (Spoiler:He had been a snake in the grass this whole time only pretending to be my friend.) He said a FWB would be perfect because he didn't have time for another romantic partner at the moment. One red flag I noticed from during our discussion was I was the only one communicating what my boundaries were (I wrote a detailed list I gave him) as well was the only one trying to discuss how we want the dynamic, wants, ect.

We did the deed a couple of times over the next month ans a half. It was just okay. Not as healing as I hoped it would be. Other than the first time, he initiated every single time afterwards. Things...ended incredibly badly. Over this month and a half I noticed him pulling back from me emotionally and eventually stopped treating me like a friend altogether. I thought I must be overthinking it, and tried to talk him through everything. He kept saying everything was fine and REFUSED to have any discussion that things weren't anything but peachy.

That list of boundaries I gave him? He eventually used them as a checklist. I was in denial about this for a long time. But, he sexually assaulted me multiple times. My self esteem was so low and I didn't have much of a safety net at all. He eventually full on raped me and our friendship ended. I didn't go to police because well, this wasn't my first time and I knew nothing would happen to him.

Afterwards he painted me out to be a someone trying to take him away from his partner. (Him and M were dating but he wasn't dating W.) When I asked for no such thing. I remembered he used to mention an ex polycule member he dated that tried to force him to choose between her and M. But I have reason to doubt that ever happened. Especially when he tried to use the same script when telling others why things ended between us. Whining about how "casual" I was with sex while falsely claiming I wanted a relationship.

Before this, I had zero issue with poly people. I was a huge supporter in fact! Now? I can't help but be cautious and be critical of them. Everyone in this group was shallow and either looking to use someone as a sex doll, or try and get someone outside of it to offer themselves up.

I also learned afterwards B pressured M multiple times to have sex with them when they are vocally sex repulsed. (As in, never EVER wanting it)

Poly people can't help but swarm around you and prey on you when you're at your lowest. This is why I will never have poly friends again.

Do you guys have similar experiences with poly people trying to get into your pants when your at your lowest?

So, there was this monogamous couple (let’s call them A and B). They used to go clubbing a lot, and most of their clubbing friends were poly (mostly B’s friends, and I have no idea why, if you ask). Those friends never respected their relationship or them in general. They were always making shady jokes about monogamy being abusive, toxic, outdated, calling them alt-right conservatives, comparing them to tradwives’ abusive relationships, saying they were keeping each other chained, on a leash like a captive or a dog, etc. (Again, many times in front of them, and “as a joke.”)

It was already harming their relationship, but apparently not enough, because their friends also had zero respect for their boundaries. They were constantly trying to make A and B cheat on each other with them, openly talking personal stuff about B's past relationships on front of A, many uncomfortable situations set up by those friends that ended up with A and B fighting, while their friends said, “See? It’s because of monogamy.”

So last weekend, they went to a party together. Their “friends” were there. I should mention they use a lot of drugs together, so in no time they got drunk and high. A and B got separated for a while, like 10 minutes or something, and when A came back, B was making out with one of them. I should add, B was high as shit (yes, exactly). This guy in particular was the one constantly hitting on B in front of A, and whenever he was confronted by both A and B—and even other people—he would just shrug it off saying he was joking. It was the last straw for them, and they broke up.

And guess what? “Oh, it’s because of monogamy.” “See? Monogamy is so toxic.” “The only reason monogamous people are still together is because of abuse and control,” etc., etc. Sorry? You guys crafted quarrels between them at literally every opportunity, tried to make them feel bad about their relationship (for fun, I guess??), tried to make them cheat on each other several times, and managed to make it happen when one of them got high enough—and it’s monogamy that ruined their relationship? It’s extra sick how they celebrated and made fun of the entire messy breakup.

And just to add: you might ask, “So... is B now poly and in a situationship or something with that guy or with those friends?” Nope. The very next day, the guy completely lost any interest in B. I’m not sure how this “friendship” is going, but as far as I know, B distanced himself from them, and they keep talking shit about B behind his back.

It’s been months since I wrote this (because I kept it in my drafts, just to make sure about some stuff because it was mostly a "somebody told me" kinda situation, so I wouldn't post anything untill I wasn't 100% sure about what happened and kinda forgot about it), and A and B are still mentioned as a recurring internal joke about “stupid and toxic monos” among them, apparently.

I don’t hate anybody as a person but I hate the concept of polyamory and how it’s becoming normalized. I feel like I am going insane and being gaslit, like nobody wants to fall in love and romance anymore. I’m strictly monogamous - it will never change. I’ve been with my current partner for almost a year and love her deeply. I want a future with her. She was poly in her last relationship and maybe before that, idk, but I have not heard anything positive about her ex. To me, polyamory is gentrified cheating, it’s fear of commitment, and any risk in monogamy (cheating, lying, drama, jealousy, etc) is just multiplied by however many partners you have and that your partners have and so on. I’m terrified that one day my partner (we are monogamous and she knows I am strongly against polyamory) is going to turn around and essentially be like “hey I know you treat me well and love me but I want to be in a dysfunctional and toxic dynamic that hasn’t worked for me in the past”. I just feel like I’m going insane watching this shit become more and more normalized.

This girl I've been trying to stop seeing because she's in a poly situationship has been stringing me along for a while. I've tried just being friends, but she refuses to drop the sex and romance.

As such, I made my stance perfectly clear that I'm looking for something else but will maintain the fwb situation for the moment.

But now, here I am. A 1am booty call hating myself for even being here... Why am I having such trouble moving on from something I clearly don't want? Like she is snoring soundly next to me and I'm just hating even being in the same room. Yet everytime she calls, here I am... This isn't healthy and it goes against everything I want in life. Yet here I am... Trying and failing to turn a hoe into a housewife, like so many foolish brothers before me.

Thought I’d cross post

Read the above in a divorce sub. I’m not the OP.

Sometimes they dont call us selfish . We feel ourself selfish cause we didnt gave both of them . Is that love or some problem?

I hate it when I hear "other cultures have practiced polygamy for milennia and they don't get jealous because they weren't taught by Hollywood to get jealous."

Totally false. Read anything about polygamy in cultures past or present and they experience jealousy and conflict constantly.

Is it normal for the man half of a poly couple who is married to tell their new partner they’re madly in love with them? Would this sit ok with you as a spouse? Then months later they're telling another woman the exact same things. Making her want marriage despite the fact that he’s married. Complaining in the past about boundaries not being respected but allowing the talk of marriage and ”true love” with another woman. To me this sounds more like ”wife shopping“ than poly.
I just want some insight so I know what to avoid if I’m ever involved with poly again. FYI true love doesn’t end that easily.. true love isn’t replaced. They blocked me and didn’t even break up with me.

They replaced me with another woman in a similar scenario, she’s younger than the couple and the husband is basically in love with this woman 8 months after being “in love” with me.
I need to know if this is normal.
It has been hard to build myself back up.

sorry if the title is a little confusing; but im genuinely confused and honestly very irritated. the entire point of a romantic relationship and marriage is that this person is someone you can spend your whole life with because of the deep connection you have with them. when you truly like someone, you can't imagine having romantic feelings with anyone else because that one person is that special. poly dating is ridiculous enough but marriage is even funnier to me. like yeah, I got married because its supposed to represent that we have a bond so deep we want it to be forever as well as legally recognized buuuuuuuut I actually have 2 other people on the side. we all love each other equally though!!! give me a break. how am I supposed to explain what having a lasting love is like to someone who is poly? they think they have it, but they really don't. either that or they're too selfish to work on their commitment issues and desperate need for attention 24/7. they pretend they're defying the norms, but they insist their desires can fit into those boxes they say are so limiting. if monogamy is so limiting and heteronormative, then why are you getting into relationships and marrying which are famously known to be about monogamy?

I met someone (online ofc) that had the following in their profile: short term dating, long term dating and MONOGAMOUS (shouting important for later).

We met up and things were connecting. We did a lot of things (don't wanna say to much for fear of give aways to out situationship). After some time, I finally dropped the "what are we?" question. This is where things get weird...

I find out that she is a side chick for some dude claiming to be "poly". This reality is that he is in an open relationship and she is the side piece. A poly relationship os open with EVERYONE. she is just the side bitch (sorry for term, but the truth)

I connected with her, but she is much more convinced that she has "sownthing special" with the guy that she is getting hurt by. while I am trying desperately to get her to love me... How do I know that their relationship hurts her? Because she fucking told me that face to face! she makes our hangouts about her venting her frustrations about her situation and then has the balls to tel me that she feels our hangouts are to depressing. GIRL YOU MAJE THEM TO DEPRESSING!

I do love her. But she has me soo fucked up. im no cuck... wtf do I do with the feelings tho? they feel genuine to is why it hurts... what do I say to her to move on? what do i say to myself to make the hurt less painful?

Edit: u kno what tho? the truth is that she isn't even worth the struggle. but there would be 0 struggle without poly. That is my issue. Also wtf you saying "monogamous" on yo shit when the truth is that you don't know wtf you want?

i'm 18/F. i had an amazing childhood and my parents felt like the perfect parents until my dad got married to someone half his age and bought her home. i was barely 11 and already knew the women he married so it didn't hit me as much as it did when i grew up. we live normally, my dad, mom, my sister (22/F) and my dad's second wife. we talk normally too because i cannot suddenly act up. it disgusts me and i resent my dad deeply for what he did. i plan to leave the household once i'm financially stable. i have a few concerns though. like, if my dad has or as much as conceives with his second wife, i will leave immediately. i have no where to go or no financial stability but i would not be able to live under the same household. another concern is, in future, if i have a stable partner, i'd have to tell them about my family dynamics. i don't except everybody to understand. especially their families if things get serious. it bugs me that my father's relationship dynamics would always tag along with me in my life like past demons and affect my relationships even though i had no say or hand in it. neither my support. unless i cut him off which i dont know i will.

Americans who most reap the benefits of marriage are the same class who get to declare monogamy passé and boring.

I swear every time I peruse the "other subreddit" half the posts sound like cult members crying out for help.

Because polyamory is so much like a high control religion. It has holy texts, cardinal sins, draconian rules for behavior, specialized lingo ... It's giving NXIVM TBH.

That's why I feel so sad and worried for the people who post on the "other sub" because it sounds like members of NXIVM being like "I'm having trouble with being branded by Keith Reniere, so I'm trying to work on my attachment issues, but being branded really burns and I keep crying afterward, how can I unlearn my aversion to being burned with a hot iron so that it doesn't hurt so much anymore???"

It's like, honey, baby boy, precious darling ... you don't have to want to be burned. You're allowed to not want this. You're allowed to want a relationship where you are chosen, where you come first.

In my 37f years of life, this the first time I post on Reddit.

I've always been liberal and open minded, like whatever makes you happy as long as no one is hurt by it. I'm monogamous but have met some people in the past who are not and I didn't think much about it, I really thought it's just a personal preference and it has nothing to do with someone's personality.

Until I got in a relationship with someone who was hiding that they were in a poly relationship with a primary and few more people. I was clear from start that I'm monogamous and looking to start a family, which he completely abused and exploited for 2 years. It would be too long of a post to tell how I found out, but in the end he tried to convince me to join them for threesomes, which I refused of course. I rejected and dumped many people before, but this one was like a bubblegum stuck to a shoe, he was desparately trying to convince me how poly lifestyle is so much better, free, exciting, and biologically correct way of mating. He was literally begging me. And the saddest part about it is that I believe that he loves me, he's just to ensnared and fucked up to make rational decisions on his own.

I came to realize how sad and pathetic humans have become. These people are so afraid of abandonment and are corrupted to the core. They sold their souls to the devil and are infecting the rest of us.

Is there really no way to stop it from spreading?

How to even protect ourselves anymore when labels don't have meaning anymore? Apparently, "I'm single" doesn't mean someone is really single anymore, or "I'm married" doesn't mean they will not flert and groom you.

It's a total shit show from my POV out here, what about you?

My husband and I had a fantastic life together. I won’t go through all the details but we had great communication, connection, enjoyed doing things together and just great respect for each other. I would have considered us rock solid. Of course like any couple we’ve had issues come up and we worked through in therapy. However, during a rough patch a few years ago he became fixated on doing polyamory. He did approach it at first as us opening the relationship but I realized it’s not for me. He hasn’t tried to force it but he’s basically decided he wants to pursue that over our almost 20 years together and we’re in our 50s. I’m devastated that he would chose that lifestyle over what we had and I don’t think it’s for any one person he wants to date. I think it’s about proving other women are attracted to him and just that he can do it. I’m so hurt, angry, sad and all that. I feel like all the years together were meaningless if you would end a good relationship for this. I don’t even think he knows what he’s getting into. I think he has a glamorized view of what poly is and I think he probably will just end of up settling with one person . Anyway I guess I’m just ranting and here to say how much I hate polyamory and how I believe it’s just a cop out for trying to make things work in relationships. The more I read about it the more ridiculous I think it is for any kind of long term situation.

that I shake this garbage feeling I have from continuously taking neglect and abuse from a poly man who says he loves me. He’s ruining my emotional and mental state while he lives selfishly and doesn’t know/doesn’t care.

I am well enough aware that it is unhealthy and I deserve so much more. He has done the push pull thing so many times now that it’s not surprising. The moment I start to feel stable, he takes it away. I realize now he wants me to feel unstable. He doesn’t want me to rely on him at all. He wants to come and go for as much or as little physical or emotional intimacy he pleases. My wants don’t matter.

I come into his house with him having invited me and see an open lube packet with sex trash inside. Didn’t even bother to clean it up. Doesn’t want to have sex with me right now. I can’t talk to him about the lube packet because it would only make things worse. He makes me feel terrible all the time, knows he does it, and I just have to swallow it down. I asked him to hold my hand more, like he used to. He said he would. He has not.

Who started all this in the first place? Who got me hooked on him, then denied it? Who held my hand everywhere, showered with me, brought me gifts, made me feel like I wanted this to begin with? HIM! He was the one who acted hyper affectionately in the first place, both rounds we’ve done this so far, “oh I’m good at being romantic,” including PDA around everyone we know- oh but wait, that was just NRE! And here silly me thought it meant something and had to do with who I was as a person. No, I was a thing to use for a dopamine fix.

He has betrayed me so many times and does less than the bare minimum and hurts me pretty much every time I interact with him.

We’ve already broken up like twice, now it feels like he’s initiating a halfway breakup for a third time without words.

I went to planned parenthood and started taking PEP when we became intimate again this summer so that he could continue to have unprotected sex with whoever he pleases and I would hopefully not get HIV. I’m doing sti testing and bloodwork and vaccines. But the poly guy? “Oh well my partners just do it so I don’t have to.” Oh, okay. Who does he like to date? Sex workers!! Okay cool so I’m putting myself physically in danger.

We’re in a project together so I can’t get the kind of space I really need to heal, but I’m going to do it anyway. He wants to do another lull of pushing me away right now, be distant unlike usually, okay, fine. I’ll push away too. He might not even notice at first. He’s not texted me this week much at all, which we normally do, so of course my feelings are hurt and I have to pretend they’re not- well okay. I won’t text first. I won’t text first for anything at all. I won’t initiate plans. I won’t initiate anything.

His interest will come back. It always does, whenever he’s bored enough with whatever else or whoever else he’s doing. And when he does, boy is he going to be shocked to hear me say what I should have said so much more already to date:

No.
No thanks!
No I can’t, I’m busy.
No, I don’t feel like it.
No, I don’t want to hang out with you right now.
No, I don’t want to have sex. (Even though I do! Doesn’t that suck)!

I’ve been letting him walk all over me and be a raging jerk and at this point I know it’s my fault because I know who he is. I’m done. The pain is not worth it.

I can’t wait til the day that I don’t love him anymore. Better yet, I can’t wait til the day that someone loves me without feeling the need to have other partners, too.

After swearing off dating couples and people in the ENM community — as well as a good but now-ended relationship with a lovely ENM-identifying woman who was happy to date me exclusively and treated me really well — I started posting just looking for friends.

That said, I really clicked with the trans fem half of a het couple, had a really sweet first date, bonded over shared interests, talked about concerts and clubs we’d go to together, and shared a lot of vulnerable experiences (I’m also a trans fem and disclosed to them before we met).

We hooked up.

Needless to say, when I reached out for reassurance and validation, they left me on read.

Here’s what I wrote (then blocked them):

Unless you’re both in the ICU or in jail, I don’t for one second believe you don’t have time or energy to so much as send an emoji or a “going through a hard time, talk later.”

And there’s two of you and one of me. Forging a connection with someone who unambiguously says from the hop that they’re seeking friendship, offering them an ongoing relationship of kindness, ****ing them and then ghosting them is abusive behaviour.

In fact, sex under false pretenses is borderline predatory. I reserve judgment on what kind of people you are because it doesn’t matter — your behaviour is nasty work.

Doing that to another trans person who has disclosed to and been vulnerable with you is especially rancid.

Shame on you. Please don’t reply. Leave me and everyone else alone, because it’s just a matter of time before you seriously hurt someone who is in a bad place. I especially hope to hell it’s not another trans person.

I'm (mono) on dating app rn and what i can see very often from ENM men's profil is something like "i'm in an open rlts with the best/ most amazing woman" "i'm with my most favorite human" or "i would die for my partner" so on
So ridiculous why they still go find other women to sleep with? I just need to understand the psychology behind this