TL;DR: Contracting genital herpes three years ago was one of my biggest nightmares coming true. Six months of symptoms led to struggles with mental health, painful sex, psychotherapy, and pelvic floor physiotherapy. I (F30) had to rebuild my relationship with my body and pleasure. I was terrified of disclosing herpes to potential lovers, but not a single person rejected me. I perfected the safer sex talk and disclosure, and i overcame stigma

If anybody has questions about herpes, my healing process, pelvic floor tension, disclosure, or how to have the safer sex talk with new partners, I’m happy to talk in the comments.

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Contracting genital herpes was one of my biggest nightmares coming true.

At the time, my grandma died, my parents were divorcing, and contracting herpes from my primary partner involved a breach of trust.

Herpes stays in the nervous system and can reactivate under stress. Importantly, herpes can be transmitted even without a visible outbreak, through asymptomatic viral shedding. Some people have no symptoms but can transmit it.

For six months, I couldn’t get rid of the symptoms!!!

I ended up seeing seven doctors. Some confirmed herpes; others said it wasn’t herpes. Instead of watery blisters, I had itchy, irritated red dots across my vulva.

I took antiviral pills and applied acyclovir cream several times a day. It helped, but whenever I reduced it, the rash returned. Looking back, I suspect overuse caused dermatitis, prolonging the irritation. However, cream is a must.

My perineum repeatedly tore and became sensitive.

But the biggest impact was on my mental and sexual health. Every time I applied cream, I’d check the rash in the mirror. I felt contagious nonstop. I couldn’t even masturbate, let alone accept my body or enjoy sex with my partner or new dates.

I started psychotherapy. Around the same time, the rash disappeared and my life calmed down.

But then came another challenge: learning to accept and love myself again.

Sex had become painful. My perineum was sensitive, and I’d developed tension and painful myofascial trigger points in my pelvic floor muscles. Eventually, a gynecologist referred me to a pelvic floor physiotherapist, who taught me to recognize and release tension. With exercises, numbing cream, and lovers who could meet me gently, I slowly started having sex again.

Another huge challenge was disclosing herpes to potential lovers.

I wondered how I could ever have sex with other people again. Before contracting herpes, I had stong boundaries-if someone told me they had genital herpes, I would have chosen not to have sex with them. I wasn’t nearly as informed then, and carried fear.

I studied herpes and learned how to have the safer sex talk with new dates correctly and confidently, so they can give informed consent.

Once I started talking openly about "shameful" herpes, I was surprised by how many people around me had herpes too. And through the different sexual partners I’ve had, not a single person rejected me because of it. That was beautiful.

One date even said they’d never heard someone discuss sexual health so kindly and sexily.

Three years later, I’m still with the same primary partner and we worked through lot of issues. After those first six months, I’ve had only one noticeable outbreak, about a year later, lasting two weeks.

I no longer constantly examine myself. I can relax, reconnect with my body, and enjoy sex again. I still sometimes struggle with pelvic floor tightness, but I know how to work with it. I still struggle with sexuality, but now it’s about discovering what I like, pleasure, and who I am today. I’ve had to reinvent myself and my relationship with pleasure.

Today, I see herpes as a blessing in disguise. It taught me about my body, sexuality, informed consent, and what ethical non-monogamy means to me in practice. I no longer fear getting herpes ( as i already have it)-less stigma.

I’m sharing this as a little piece of hope for anyone struggling with an STI, sexual health, or intimacy. Things can get better.

I (38F) have been involved with a married man (37M) for 18 months. They’ve practiced ENM for over a decade. His wife and I met our respective partners at the same time, in the same way, and both relationships developed alongside each other.

Fairness was always HUGE in their arrangement. Dates were scheduled in parallel so neither spouse was home alone. If we took a trip, they took a trip. They were both incredibly welcoming, communicative, and transparent. I even spent time with his wife one-on-one.

They knew I was completely new to ENM and actively encouraged my curiosity and questions. Had they explained at the beginning that his wife could veto our relationship at any point, I would have understood and made my decisions accordingly. But to introduce that 18 months later?

Two months ago, I moved across the country, which they both knew was my plan from day one. He even helped me move. Her boyfriend is moving to Mexico in November.

My partner always knew I was dating other men and encouraged me to find a monogamous relationship. We openly discussed how our relationship would evolve and were incredibly respectful of each other.

What breaks my heart is that she now doesn’t even want us to be FRIENDS.

Apparently, she’s feeling disconnected from her husband, so we’re expected to go no contact, despite living across the country from each other, while she continues seeing her boyfriend in person every week.

When I point out the double standard, I’m told “it’s not the same” or essentially to mind my own business.

Meanwhile, my partner has become distant, unreliable, and evasive. Every question gets an “I don’t know,” “I want to, but I can’t,” or “She’s uncomfortable.” He insists it’s temporary but can’t explain what that means.

And suddenly, the same people who encouraged me to ask questions make me feel gross for asking anything at all. I’m not asking for private details about their marriage. I’m asking what’s being said and decided about ME and a relationship I’m actually part of. Somehow even wanting to understand decisions that directly affect my life is treated like I’m crossing a line.

When I try to discuss how I’m being treated, he’s too exhausted or says his marriage is too personal to discuss. Eventually I get frustrated, we fight, and he lashes out, screams, calls me unstable, or hangs up before I can finish a sentence. He apologizes afterward, but nothing changes.

Yet when his wife is ignoring him and their marriage is struggling, suddenly he’s calling me multiple times a day, crying and leaning on me for emotional support. She had no problem with him coming to my apartment for that same support when their marriage was struggling before.

I know he’s responsible for his own behavior, and I’m deeply hurt by him too. But I never asked to come before their marriage. I just thought 18 months of love and friendship deserved some basic consideration.

Am I wrong for thinking this is a massive double standard? Fairness mattered enough to coordinate every date and vacation, but suddenly doesn’t matter when it comes to whether I’m even allowed to remain his friend?

I’m heartbroken. I feel like I’m being discarded without a conversation, and somehow I’m the problem for being upset about it.

I’ve been in an open relationship with my long-term partner for 3 years. It’s transparent, solid, and has never involved anyone needing approval. Two years ago I started seeing another man. It began as mostly sexual but grew into something much closer. We talked about everything, got through hard periods together, and recently he texted me daily, told me he missed me, and called me his girlfriend. He knew my partner, and we’d all seen other people over the years.

Then he met someone new. Within five days, the whole dynamic had shifted. He told me his new partner wanted to meet me before he saw me again, and that “permission would be granted” once she no longer felt threatened. He also suggested he’d have to discuss with her whether he could even have coffee with me. In the space of a week, I went from someone he spoke to every day to someone whose access needed approval. He apologised for how he dropped it on me, but the speed of the shift is what hurt me.

When we finally talked, he said she isn’t controlling, but that they want to do things as a couple while the relationship is new, and that right now he isn’t in the mindset to see me on his own. He also said he has feelings for me. What stands out to me is that he told me he wanted the kind of open relationship I have. In mine, he was welcome with no conditions. Now I’d be the one who fits around his couple, which is a role he held in mine for two years.

I told him I’m not saying never, but it’s hard for me to switch roles that quickly. I told him I’d probably have been happy to meet her if it had come as an invitation, not a condition. He asked for a couple of days to process and told me to take the lead on what happens next. I declined, because I thought any decision to see me should be his. He’s been quiet since.

Some things I’d like perspective on:

1. Is it reasonable to say I can’t go from partner to “fits around the couple” overnight, or is that a rigid expectation?
2. How do people handle a relationship being reclassified quickly when a new partner arrives? Is it ever done well?
3. Has anyone been in a pause like this, and how did it resolve?
4. How do you grieve something that isn’t officially over?

I’m not expecting to be his priority, and I know he’s free to build this new relationship. I’m trying to work out how much of what I’m feeling is fair and how much is me being inflexible.

My wife and I tried swapping and things went crazy way to fast. I (M38) and my wife (F37) had what I thought was a rock solid 15 year marriage. Been through a lot of ups and downs over the years. We decided after alot of discussion and roleplay to try swapping. She wanted me to find another couple and talk to everyone. And when I did to bring her into the discussion. I found a couple after we almost gave up looking. We all hit it off great at first. We were all new to the lifestyle and thought it would be fun since we didn't know how we would feel about it. We left a group chat and quickly began talking in individual chat with each other.

My wife had never wanted to sext or anything like that before. She felt like she didn't know how to. So I helped she some at first. Then she was getting good at it with the other guy. We would look at each other's text to see what we were all talking about. Things got heavy quickly, and the first time we met we planned on just making out in the car. That changed really fast when my wife started giving him a BJ in the back. She finished him and we left.

Then we planned the next weekend to meet up and swap. My wife was way more sexual with me, and it was great. It was like we were 20 again. But thats when things started changing. It was a constant conversation, all day everyday. It was getting to the point when my wife told me when I could call her. Then she never texted me while she was at work, and that changed when she really wanted to talk to the other guy. Then she started saying things to him that made me very uncomfortable. Things like "you make me want to be better" when referring to her gym pictures she sent everyday, or things she had never said to me in the 15 years of marriage.

Then I was getting told of plans being made weekend after weekend, and that is was happening. I felt like I never had time to process anything. And the amount of time and effort she put into outfits for him made me upset. Then the plans when we would meet would change and we went from same room play to separate rooms. I wasn't comfortable with that. And that when we did meet up, I felt like I couldn't touch my wife until we left, which was usually the next day. From the first night we swapped we stayed in the same room together. And it was 9 weekends in a row that we seen them. I did get one weekend were we just seen them and nothing happened. But seeing my wife's text just confirmed that I was the asshole because I needed a break.

I felt like I was losing my wife. This was just suppose to be fun for us, and I wasn't having fun anymore. Then she brought concert tickets without discussing it first. It was 700 for the tickets, and had it done that she would have been so upset with me. We always discussed big purchases, and I felt like I was just there anymore. The way she fluffed his ego and effort she gave him tore me up inside. I was going through the motions.

Then I said I couldn't do this anymore, and we agreed to stop, and stopped talking to them, she downloaded an app just to continue talking to him without me knowing. For over a month I thought we were done, until we went on vacation and I seen her taking pictures of herself that was just out of the norm. It was a lot and it hard to put it all here.

But all in all, its been a few months. Im just so torn right now. I dont know what to do. I know I love my wife, but im having a hard time seeing her in a sexual way. Im still so hurt that she continued talking to him. I just dont know what to do. Im sorry for the long story, this is my first time posting on here.

Hi everyone! Recently I (28F) met a guy (24M) at an event and we instantly hit it off. Later he asked me out and I told him I was in an open relationship and living with my partner. He said it was new for him, but he wanted to give it a try. Usually I prefer dating other people who are also ENM, but I really liked him.
It was fun at first, but the last few dates have been catastrophic.
He showed up to my house without having brushed his teeth for two days and not even a change of clean underwear. When I confronted him about this, he said that he had a distressing week, had an unexpected sleepover at a friend's house, and that "his breath couldn't be that bad". He tried to kiss me after that, but it just turned me off. Another time, he forgot his toiletries at the place we were staying and skipped brushing his teeth altogether.
I was quite upset and tried to communicate this to him in the best way possible, like saying that I'd appreciate it if he put more effort into his appearance. The next day, he sent me a message asking me to be more tolerant with him and not criticize him when he was already having a bad week. He said that it's normal that he doesn't want to fully invest himself in our relationship because I have a nesting partner and he doesn't understand why my expectations are so high.
Is it too much to ask for my date to have basic hygiene and be dressed cleanly? Should I just break things off?

My nesting partner has always been respectful in all aspects. We've been together for 3 years and poly since the beggining. She's had several casual fwb relationships over the years but has has always communicated she ideally wants another longer term partner. Recently shes been talking and hanging with his guy and she admitted to me last night that they haven't even been intimate but the relationship is getting deeper on an emotional level and she is recognizing she has feelings for him. This is alot as she doesnt associate sex with love so I know this is deep. She plans on talking to him about these feelings when she feels comfortable and safe with him and seeing where things go with it. From what she has told me the feeling seems mutual. I guess this post is to vent and say that I'm feeling really weird and I don't really know how to feel and my mind has a lot of what ifs on how our relationship may shift if this becomes a thing. Im not scared to lose her but change is scary, I feel as I've been comfortable with her only having casual hookups where my mind never thought this day would come and now its here. With her fwb she would only see them so often, with this guy even where they are now without talking about where the feelings may progress she says she is open to diving in and seeing where things go, of course while respecting my needs. That's another thing.. I feel guilty for expressing my needs now that she has feelings. I dont want to hold her back but thats probably room for disaster if I just let her do whatever and not commuinicate. She says she recognizes the NRE and believes she is very logical in handling it which I believe from just her personality alone but will need to see happen in real time. Ive seen nothing but green flags if this feeling does progress but it's definitely a new feeling for both of us to have and I just want to know better ways to navigate it so it doesn't become unhealthy. Im good at sabbatoging. Ive had alot of comparison moments and jealousy in the past with her fwb, Im definitely an over communicater and analyzer in our relationship and with her fwb we went through alot of ups and downs trying to find out what boundaries worked best for us. It's gotten way healthier on my end but I just wanna work towards success and not end up in a bad place. Thanks for listening.

I(M34) got baited into opening my relationship by my best friend's girlfriend(F32). It went better than it could have.

So I was talking to BestFriendsGF and since I kinda gave off a vibe of non monogamy she asked if my relationship was an open one because she was very interested in me (as a FWB) and had already talked multiple times with BestFriend(M34) about how much she found me attractive and had floated the idea to him. His response is/was that it does sound like a fun thing to explore. A long time ago we (me & him) both had a couple threesomes and a foursome with an ex of his (and one of her friends) so it wasn't out of the question and I felt I knew his opinion on this sorta thing.

So when she did ask the question (with the qualifier that it wasn't out of pure curiosity but with intent to sleep with me) I responded positively because we already had good energy between us and told her that no we weren't currently in an open relationship but I can ask my partner (FTM32). So I did so with the above information knowing that it was a 95% chance he would say yes because we've had that sorta stuff pop up in the past like sending nudes to an Ex just cause I was proud of how hot I looked (with his permission beforehand). So it wasn't out of the question, just had to ask it.

So when he did say that it didn't bother him as long as feelings don't develop I sent the proof to her. She got very excited about this and wanted to check in with BestFriend to 100% make sure it was alright. That's fair, that's fair.. wait you made it sound like he was all good and had already signed off on it since you were pretty forward about how you wanted to be FWB. Turns out she misunderstood that him saying he was down for that in the future (hand wavy vague future point in time) was a go ahead..

He thinks it's too early in his relationship to be doing that yet (9 months vs mine of 7 years). So her and I now feel kinda foolish having put our cards out on the table. Especially how this all kinda happened in a day, blindsiding him. Now that everyone knows everyone's feelings on the subject he thinks it's inevitable that we'll sleep together and isn't mad about that but just wants a bit more time to focus on just them.

This weekend is gonna be interesting since all four of us are going to be hanging out on Sunday (We had made these plans before all this). So we're keeping our hands to ourselfs and we'll see if everyone is as chill as our talks seem to indicate. Hope we pass the vibe check guys, this could have gone very wrong with her misunderstanding. Glad I have a strong history with BestFriend and he knows my character.

I don't really know what kinda comments I'm seeking here, I really just needed to vent to someone that isn't intertwined in this. Thoughts?

TL:DR My hubby (40M) & I (40F) ended up in a long distance relationship with another couple- primarily the wife. But, I feel like an afterthought or third wheel in my marriage. Are we poly? Is this not right for me?

The story:

Hubby & I have been together for 13 yrs, ENM for 6 yrs.

May: hubby met a woman. When he told me he said we would get along, so with consent he gave us each other's contact info and we began chatting too.

It was obv he was into her texting her constantly. I had to remind him to be present with me & our kids. I believe he tried but..

Aug: I stopped reminders to be present & hid my feelings. We were both getting to know her in private chats, calls & sexting. It was fun & confusing. We planned to meet IRL & I panicked. We agreed on a vanilla meet. It went well. One night, he kissed her in front of me, and when we were alone she kissed me & it was fun.

Sept- they planned a trip (I couldn't go) for him to take care of her during a medical procedure. I agreed but had this feeling that despite reassurances, she would feel well enough to engage in some form of sex. This felt different from prev partners. I knew feelings were developing, & their bond is stronger than mine & hers. We didn’t go into this looking for a gf. I wasn't able to pinpoint my feelings of anxiety & tried to tell my him about it but felt dismissed "nothing will happen she’s not going to feel well, I'm just taking care of her". I told him I wasn’t sure how I felt about solo trips -we never planned for this. I worried that I would be forgotten.

All my fears came true. Almost no communication. The first day they sent me a spicy pic & I almost threw up (they had a green light, sorta) We knew there would be a learning curve, sometimes we find things aren't right for us.

He promised to keep me involved then during this trip he told me NOTHING. I was home alone & miserable. Sure we talked a bit but all the details were left out.

On the last day we video chatted with spice It was hot AF. *THIS*was closer to what I wanted. When he got home we were too tired for reclamation sex. The next day, she & I were sexting again with spicy video calls then she told me about her feelings for us both. That she wants to say I love you & mean it. I hadn't processed my feelings yet. I do have feelings for her but not sure how to describe them. Hubby got home & half way through reclamation I told him about her feelings. He got teary & lit up. I could tell he loves her too. That's when I broke. We "included" our gf by sending some videos but tried to be present with each other. This hurt her because she felt left out but I felt I deserved reclaiming be between us. Over the next few days I learned about all that happened that he didn't share with me at the time. All the while my heart is heavy knowing how much wasn't shared when it was supposed to be.

Weeks later I am still struggling. We want to make this work & didn't do the work to prepare. I don't think any of us expected feelings. Is it too late?

I know jealousy can be normal. I am working on that. Where I struggle is I feel hubby can't disconnect from her to focus on me. I feel like a third wheel in my marriage. I have to ask him for attention which makes me feel needy, that he takes more time to reassure her than me & like he dismisses my concerns because he is thinks we are "solid". Now she is telling us her needs- 1:1 date with each of us, & a date with us all together. I don't feel comfortable with the 1:1- I still don't feel like my hubby is MINE again since this trip. Am I possessive? Is this all wrong for me? Do we need to close the marriage? How can I move past this trip, save my marriage & keep this gf? I feel like I'm always being asked to consider HER feelings but no one is considering mine.

Im not angry about any of this. Im hurt confused scared insecure & jealous. I'll take any advice if you read this far. Please be gentle my heart is hurting.

We are one month into opening our marriage (specifically ethical non-monogamy). I've found a lost of lists that discuss rule categories (like sexual safety) and read several books on the topic, but I haven't really found a comprehensive list of specific rules it would be helpful to discuss.

For example, after the first few dates with other people we told each other high-level details right away, but quickly found that spending the first 24 hours reconnecting and then sharing details worked so much better.

Obviously, I understand each couple will pick different ways to handle each rule, but I'm still interested in specific rules you wish you'd thought of or wished you'd talked about earlier.

Bonus: if you have rules that a lot of beginner ENM people pick the wrong choice for, I'm open to that too.

Background info: we've been together 12 years, married 7. Dating solo. We have done work around the most skipped step (making independent friends and hobbies). Both females in our early 30s. We are not opening under duress or because we are close to divorce, we are opening because we are in a stable place and have the time and energy. I explain everything very clearly on my profile (including that I'm looking for short-term relationships that are not hook ups) and just for ease for right now I'm only matching with people who are ENM or open to ENM (and not matching with the people who like my profile but list monogamy, because we are new I want them to come in with a solid understanding if possible). I'm also very upfront that we are new to this, so people can run if they want to. :)

My partner and I have been married for 4 years and have been sharing for 2 of those years. I want to break away and start doing it on my own, maybe develop some deeper connections??? How do you bring this without upsetting the other person? How do you balance multiple partners while keeping it fair?

I’ve always felt like I wasn’t meant to be monogamous, but this is the first time that I’m really dealing with these feelings. Very confused and nervous.

I have the opportunity to do parallel play with a couple, with the intention that the girl and I will end up mingling and we will swap partners I’ve never done this before. How do you not make it awkward and stay in the moment with your partner while also trying to make a move on someone else while they’re in it with their partner.

So I(18M) and two of my friends 19F and 18F had quite a platonic friendship until we masturbated together, It got really awkward and yet I asked them for sex .They both agreed for it but we all are newbies so don’t know much about it.
Can anyone give some advice or tips on how to gain the most pleasure possible.
Also tell me if I should not do this cuz it feels very awkward and embarrassing yet exciting.
Is it normal to feel this way????
Also how to not ruin our friendship if something happens??

We started dating young, got married young, after dating 8 years and married six years of marriage we are now 29(me, cis woman) and 32(husband, cis man). We have never been the traditional kind in our own individual lives and as a couple. But we have always been monogamous.

We have been toying with the ideas of opening up the marriage for the past few years, but it was never at a good time - always one person frustrated about something and wanting to open up.

This past year we have had some real discussions, real crisis, in our personal lives and as a couple. What we have come to realize is that we would always want each other in our lives, and the love and connection have always been there through everything. But we are both bored.

We are both into but also anxious about the idea of opening it up, with our biggest fear of hurting or losing the other person through this. We have finalized a list of ground rules around safety, time commitment, privacy, and staying connected. We are not going polyamory. We aim to keep our outside relationships casual and fling like.

We have read the most skipped step, tbh entanglement hasn’t been an issue in our relationship, we do most of our hobbies separately and have separate groups. We travel together often but also once or twice a year with our own friends.

On paper I feel like we are prepared. But I have also heard so much about monogamous couples failing after opening up a relationship. Although I know each couples journey will be different, and there are likely a lot of posts like this on here, I would still love to hear about what people’s number one advice would be if we go forward with this.

Thanks in advance :)

30 M, using a throwaway account because this is the first time I’m looking for any kind of advice on Reddit, let alone for something like this.

I’ve recently started seeing someone (24F), who’s non-monogamous. I am not, or at least I’ve never naturally gravitated towards non-monogamy. I really like her, and she really likes me, and I want this to work. She has expressed romantic interest in me, and says that she wants to build a future with me. Neither of us is sure what that future looks like because of her work, which is largely travelling. It’s only been about 3 months that we’ve been seeing each other. She has been explicitly clear about her being non-monogamous, which I am okay with, or at least I think I am okay with it.

She’s going out on a date soon, with someone that she’s shared a sexual history with. Now while she has assured me that I’m her priority, and she has no romantic inclinations towards anyone but me, I’m finding this hard to deal with. She is doing her best at communicating things with me, is answering my questions, but for some reason I just cannot get rid of this pit in my stomach. I’m not sure if this is insecurity, or my general aversion towards the concept of non-monogamy. She told me that she does not intend to sleep with this person, because this is very new to our relationship and she doesn’t want to put us through that as of yet. However, she is open to the idea of them sharing a kiss, or making out, with a hard boundary on just that, nothing further.

She has also said that she’s okay with me going out with other people, but for whatever reason, I’m not able to bring myself to be interested in other people, because for me, atleast in the last 5-6 years, sexual engagement has come hand in hand with some form of romantic interest.

I’m having trouble navigating this, because ever since she’s told me about the date, the whole aspect of this relationship being non-monogamous has come to the forefront, which is making me extremely anxious. My anxiety and discomfort are something she’s picking up on and is trying her best to comfort me. She’s not the most expressive person in terms of words, but is doing her best to spend the most amount of time with me as she can, is showing up for me, and is respecting the boundaries that I’m setting with things I’m comfortable with.

The physical involvement that she might share with her date is uncomfortable, but it’s not something that I find impossible to deal with. It’s the emotions around it that I’m having a hard time with. I’m not sure where this post is going, and what I need here exactly, but I don’t want to lose her because she means a lot to me. I’m finding it hard to filter and control my feelings towards her. It’s kind of like “all in, or all out” for me, which I know is not the right way to go about things considering the fact that we’ve only been seeing each other for a few months, and have only recently gotten romantically involved to the degree that we are.

I feel like an outsider in her life at times, because our interests are very different. I am trying my best to learn, and be involved in her life, but I keep feeling like the other people that she will go out with, or this guy that she’s going to go out on a date with, they share a lot more in common than we do. I want to understand the psychology and the emotions that go into the making of a person who is non-monogamous, hoping that it helps me navigate this better. I am open to the idea of seeing other people as well, but I’m afraid that it might lead to the connection this girl and I share, to become strained and, might lead me to pull back emotionally.

I apologize for the poorly worded rant here, and I’m sure that I’ll be asked to think on this on my own, and make up my mind about what I want, and whether this girl fits into my life with respect to that. But I am still seeking some advice, some insight, and whatever else that this group may feel is useful in this situation.

Aite I’m outie. ✌️

​

Before being with my partner, I was in my "hoe" era, and I enjoyed it a lot. I found it empowering, and exploring brought me joy and fulfillment.

I used to have "friends" that we would casually kiss, hug, cuddle, and sometimes even do more(And I missed that).

Then I met my boyfriend, and our first kiss was absolutely mind blowing. I felt a wave of desire and surrender. He lived in another city, so we started as FWB. We had a threesome with another girl, and we continued seeing other people. One day, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I accepted. We moved in together but continued bringing other people into our home, mostly women.

There was one special girl who stayed around the longest, and the dynamic started to feel really great. I had a few tantrums, but overall, things were going well until one day, she came to us and said she wanted what we had for herself and went monogamous.

Since then, we've tried introducing other women into our relationship, but they eventually ended up wanting to break us up and be with one of us exclusively.

After a few bad experiences we kinda gave up, we only had a few threesomes with men. However, we mostly focused on building our nest, and over time, we slowly became monogamous by circumstance. Throughout the years, he repeatedly told me that he wasn't comfortable being with other women if I wasn't involved, and I felt the same way about him.

At the moment, we're living apart, and we've agreed to temporarily close the relationship until we reunite.

We've been together for 10 years, and I absolutely love, adore, and feel sexually attracted to my boyfriend, and he feels the same way about me. However, because of my past experiences, I honestly have some fears, especially since it's been such a long time since this kind of lifestyle was normal for us. Then again, we had plenty of rules in the past that I now think were a mistake and made things almost impossible.

We plan to open up our relationship again, but for the first time, I'm considering being genuinely open: both of us being able to see other people separately or together. Not just ONS, but FWB, people who could become part of our lives, join us at home, and go out with us. The whole deal, as long as they respect our relationship.

Of course, my ultimate desire would be to achieve a triad, but I'm trying not to focus on that too much.

Here's how I'm thinking we should approach it:

Honestly and transparency: I really don't want to tolerate any kind of lying or hiding things, not from my boyfriend or from other people, as our health is at stake.

The new person has to know about the other partner.

Family is off limits. I mean people in our family’s social circle, such as our family members’ partners or close friends. It happens that I have family members, around my age who are also very open minded, and I want to avoid any kind of connection like that.

In the house, there is veto power for the main couple regarding finances, house design, and so on.

We are allowed to bring people into the house, but they can't stay for too long, especially if they're only interested in one of us.

We end a relationship when the new person asks for exclusivity in a romantic way.

For long vacation trips and business deals , the main relationship has priority.

Public signs of affection, even in front of family, friends, etc., are accepted.

Exclusive sexual intercourse with a new person is totally acceptable, but it has to be shared.

The new person is totally allowed to be with other people outside the main relationship, but honesty is requiered. Lying and hiding things will result in excluding that person.

Jealousy and insecurities are normal and have to be expressed and discussed.

Well this it is, ftom experience I think the less "rules" the better.

Please tell me what you think, whether this sounds fair, and share your experiences and advice on how to avoid bad experiences for me, him, and, of course, the other people involved.

I 25F am newly single after 2 back to back closed relationships over the past 5 years. I’m really happy to be single again and really want to explore my sexuality more outside a committed relationship.
Obviously I’m a little out of my element now and I want to build my confidence back up to enjoy more casual sex again. I would love to get to the point where I can enjoy having a threesome for the first time. It’s always been a fantasy of mine that I put aside for the sake of my previous partners and was too afraid to try when I was younger and lacked experience.
I’d love to try a threesome now and maybe even more if I enjoy it. I love the idea of being shared by multiple men.
What is the best way to initiate this kind of dynamic? I don’t currently have any men I know that I’m interested in doing this with as I just moved to a new city.
Is this something you usually build over time with several people that you trust or do you find strangers online that want to share the same experience?
I’d like to hear perspectives on both and know the pros vs cons of either. Any advice is very much appreciated as a newbie entering this space. Thanks in advance!

Throwaway and on mobile sorry for any bad formatting!

My partner (32NB) and I (29F) have recently opened our relationship. Neither of us have tried ENM before, but we were never particularly tied to monogamy either. Eseentially we always agreed with the idea of it, just never acted on it. Our standing rule was, if youre interested in opening the relationship for realz, we'll discuss it, see how we both feel at that time, and go from there.

Well that time has come! My partner is the one who proposed moving forward with opening the relationship. We had multiple long conversations about what it would look like and what we're comfortable with. I feel satisfied with these discussions.

But...

I am not interested in sex or dating new people right now (or ever, maybe). This is for a variety of reasons that I haven't fully untangled myself yet tbh. I am completely happy for them to do this though, and have no issues with sitting out. To be clear, they know this and would be happy if I wanted to date others too. I'm just not interested.

Despite all of our conversations, I can't help but worry. Is this a stupid idea? Are we walking into disaster by essentially opening the relationship on one side only? Does anyone else have experience with this? Any advice is appreciated!

My husband and I have begun discussing opening up our relationship for me. His sexual desire is next to none while mine is extremely high. We have a great relationship and communication, but are wondering how to best approach this and where to begin. I am open to male and female (this would be new), but preferably male. Also not necessarily interested in an emotional relationship rather just a physical / sexual one.

I lost my husband last year, and I am now single parenting our 3 kids alone. I know I always wanted non-monogamy, and as much as I like the idea of having a consistent primary partner, I am finding that in my early 40's, dating has changed drastically.
I am not the jealous type, and I love the idea of someone I like being pleasured as well. Sexuality is something I've always found interesting and fun to explore, which I have always had an open-mind about. I tried having a FWB with a friend that's known me for a bit, and I moved to start fresh, and stayed with him briefly. We always had sexual chemistry, but his idea of relationships are very rigid, so he limits intimacy, or if there is intimacy, he pushes me away for several days after and doesn't wind up treating me much like a friend. It honestly feels kind of one-sides and controlling :( .
That being said, I also think that I am very passionate, loving, enjoy intimacy (especially cuddling and just watching shows sometimes, holding hands, doing fun bonding activities, but I also need space to myself sometimes. I am talking to a guy I met on a dating app, and he's significantly younger, but he seems to be really nice and very mature about his approach to communication. In having conversations with him about ENM, I'm thinking more and more that at this stage in my life especially, that might be what it meant for me. I have a very strong moral compass and I just don't feel like people understand the importance of reciprocity, mutual respect, honesty and communication, but ENM puts such an emphasis on that. Any ideas where I should start? I really don't get out much bc I don't have many people that can watch the kids that live nearby. I'm also growing tired of this "fwb" situation that's just beginning to feel less like friendship and only about sex, and it's leaving me feeling hollow with his lack of attention to the other aspects of what we share, which we always agreed "friends first". I just want to be able to have fun with people, enjoy intimacy, but to also have the understanding of "balance", and this just seems to be what has been missing from my life.

Hello everyone, I'm writing to ask for advice or opinions.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years. We are 25 and 24 years old respectively, and I have been her only sexual partner. We get along great, there's a lot of trust, and for a while now we've started exploring the world of threesomes and similar fantasies in a playful, imaginary way (without having done anything in real life yet). The problem is that she has no prior experience with other people and sometimes feels shy about taking the step, even though it turns her on immensely.

Our dynamic has involved a few key points:

Porn and fantasies: A while ago we watched a threesome (two guys and a girl). Physically she got super horny, but then she tried to play it down by saying it was "acted" and that the actors are probably paid and don't actually enjoy it, which gave me the impression that she likes it but it clashes a bit with her morals. After that, I proposed a threesome with another guy, but she said no; she said that if anything, it would be her with someone else, and it had to be someone she already liked, and it wouldn't be that straightforward. That's when she mentioned a local guy she had liked for a long time. At the time, I reacted badly and said no. We tried to test the waters with this guy months later for a possible normal meeting. Obviously, during the process of her texting him, we felt a huge rush of excitement because neither of us was really stating our true intentions lol. Things cooled off, he didn't reply much, but she still brings him up from time to time, which shows she's still thinking about it.

Size jokes: She often makes jokes about wanting "another alpha/guy" or hints at large sizes through jokes and laughs (which turns us both on, like "I'd love to feel something that thick when sitting down"—though I'm actually not small at 19 cm, she just hasn't tried anyone else lol).

The college guy (long-distance): An old university acquaintance living in the US texted her recently. They both admitted they liked each other in the past. She chats with him from time to time, sometimes teases me about it as a joke ("I'm going to text someone who actually pays attention to me"), and I know that serves as fuel for both of us to have much more passion in bed later.

The dilemma is that she is very horny in private and loves playing with the idea of other men, but when push comes to shove, she is shy and doesn't know how to handle taking this beyond long-distance messages or jokes.

I love seeing her enjoy herself and I'm drawn to this kind of dynamic with her, acting as her accomplice, but I don't know how to guide her without pressuring her or making her feel uncomfortable.

Any advice?

Wife's permission?

Hello, Im a 55 yo (M), with a the sex drive of a 30 yo.

For context my wife is F 56yo, sexy and very good in bed. More importantly we really like each other and have ZERO interest in a divorce, separation or otherwise.

We've talked, about openly for years, and tried to have a 3some, etc, etc. We've been at the doorstep a few times w another couple, (Fx2), and while out of town I offered to go to a legal brothel. Pay someone to teach us about the lifestyle, and anything new in bed..

Hiwrver, at the 11th hour, she panicked. We discussed and she told me "I tried to do it for you."

I told her that's not what I wanted, I want my sexy wife to be involved. I've offered 3somes, with (M &/or F), or for her to go solo and and test the waters with any gender.

She finally came clean, and indicated that she can't keep up with my sex drive. I don't pressure her and I listen to her needs and desires. So when she indicated her truth, I told her it won't be brought up again, on my part and haven't brought it up again.

Yet, a few weeks ago, while being intimate, she advised after years of thought, she said " I don't mind you getting sex outside our marriage, with conditions.

Keep it on the DL as possible, and don't embarrass her and keep it outside work, and mutual friends."

1. I LOVE giving her oral for my pleasure, so no eating outside of house.

2. I have a foot fetish, so, none of that either. 3. No sexting, or emotional involvement.

I said, thats it? Are 100% certain you're ok with that?" She indicated, "yes, I've thought about this a lot over the years, and I'm 100% certain I'm ok with it. In fact I'm telling you too. Were getting older and I honestly can't keep up. But I know you have a VERY HIGH sex drive, and you don't equate sex with love or emotions getting in the way. So, yes I'm positive. "

My issue?

I wanted HER to be involved somehow. Even if I just watched her. But she has no interest in that.

She said she's very satisfied and doesn't need that, we have enough sex she doesn't have the desire to self satisfy any more.

She's admitted she jealous sometimes. However, I do whatever I want, as does she. She solely sys, don't bring a baby it a disease home.. lol

I believe she's honestly ok with it, but I just haven't been able to even try, but i do want/need to find a new friend.

Thoughts? Anyone w experience on this?

Or, just your opinions good and/or bad, will be helpful.

Also, I didn't proof read too lazy, please forgive grammatical errors.

Sincerely, Cake

I (M23) have tried to talk to my fiance (F24) about an open relationship before, we’ve been together for 3 years and it’s been a while since we’ve talked about it and the last time I asked her she said no but ever since then I feel like I’ve gotten depressed, I don’t know if it’s because I feel this is a strong part of how I feel and know that it’s what I want but it’s something I feel could bring us closer together, I’ve seen a lot of couples who have open relationships and seem to know how to manage their relationships and that’s something I want as well I would never do it without her consent because that’s just not who I am and it is something I want to do with her I wouldn’t want to do it without anyone else but she just seems so close minded to the idea and it’s hard for me because it’s something I feel passionate about, has anyone else ever had these kind of feelings or is there anyone who can give me some advice about the pickle I seem to find myself in

LE: Yeah, she cheated with that guy. Just two days before I proposed, actually. Leaving this here for posterity.

We're both 36, M/F. Context before I popped the question:

- 6 years together, moved in after the first year, just bought an apartment together this year

- we talked about marriage before, she seemed to want it

- we also talked about open relationships, she didn’t seem to want that at all initially, and only recently she seemed more open to the idea

- the two recurring major conflicts we’ve been having over the years have been about me being more chill and indoor preferring while she needs to be going out and traveling, and that I’m not passionate enough during sex

- every year there was some major medical event happening for her, and at some point she recalled having been SA’d as a teen; everything turned out OK in the end, thankfully, but it took a toll and she has some self-image issues now due to the medical stuff; we both agree it has affected our sex life for months each time something happened, which lead to many dry seasons

- over the last year and a half I have been dealing with severe anxiety that kept me homebound a lot; got better on SSRIs but I quit them because of the anorgasmia and tiredness; currently still dealing with anxiety, but I’m getting much better

- she finds it very hard to communicate during sex, sometimes cannot even answer questions like “does this feel good?”, let alone tell me things she wants; according to her, she never had issues because of this in previous relationships, where sex happened “naturally”; she did cheated on and the only guy that didn’t cheat on her, she cheated on him; I’m the only guy that hasn’t cheated on her while also living together for such a long time

- there was a sudden change in her attitude a few weeks before I popped the question, suddenly she became more communicative, told me what she wanted and it turned out I can be passionate during sex (she basically wanted rougher sex, which I was happy to oblige when asked enthusiastically for it)

And now, the things I’ve found out since I popped my question and she popped hers:

- she said she mostly wants one night stands, no friends, no coworkers, no emotional involvement

- she already had a crush on a guy who was a friend of a friend of hers and said that she would like to message him if we agreed on it; I met the guy once

- in the excitement/shock of the initial discussion and in the spirit of openness, I ended up saying I found some of her friends sexually attractive and that I had a crush on one of them a long time ago; she didn’t take this very well;

- I went from almost agreeing in the first discussion to completely disagreeing the next day and developing a bit of paranoia over the timeline and her motivations; I started thinking she already cheated on me with that guy and started pressing her for more information

- she said it’s fine if we don’t open our relationship, that she’ll just live with it and that’s that, and got irritated when I tried to open the subject again

- her openness to communicate during sex has now dropped again and we’ve both noticed this pattern and are currently discussing it

Getting the full picture and timeline that lead to her, er, counter-proposal made me a lot more comfortable with the idea now. I'm inclined towards agreeing to a one-off thing, she gets one go, I get one, full disclosure on each and see what happens afterwards. I don't have anything lined up like her, but I'd like to have the option either way. What I'm afraid of is that despite her starting the discussion, she's not really up for it and she's just looking for a quick dopamine fix to avoid really working on our intimacy issues. I’m worried about the fallout this experiment can cause and weirdly feel like I’m the more responsible party here. Like a parent whose kid wants a dog, sort of.

Any advice on how to proceed? Or how to discuss things with her further so that we both get a clearer picture of what we really want and/or need.