r/loveafterporn • u/-LoveAfterPorn- • 6d ago
Good day everyone,
Inside the comments you can post any victory you'd like. Whether it be a small or big victory, a personal victory or a joint victory with your partner or you felt extra good today. No victory is too small to be celebrated!
r/loveafterporn • u/imjusttryingtobeanon • Apr 14 '19
⚠️ Trigger warning:
This is a very long post, about 4,000+ words but I wrote it as a form venting therapy.
I am married to a recovering PA who has had trouble supporting me emotionally while suffering from CPTSD.
This only applies to my experiences, so please don’t think I’m saying some points are one size fits all. I wrote it from my perspective, and maybe some of you can identify with my words.
If you read all the way, I thank you.
Here it goes:
“Open letter to a former porn addict, from a hurting spouse:
I don’t communicate with people about my feelings because they never show genuine interest in understanding my point of view. I refuse to be vulnerable and open my heart up to people, only to be disappointed. I’ve had enough negative experiences as a result of doing that to know not to do it again unless the person makes me feel 100% confident that they 1) Genuinely want to understand me, and 2) change their behavior.
This recovery journey has been completely one sided when it comes to understanding. I understand addiction, I understand what is required in recovery, and I understand the psychology of addiction. How? Because although I am not the addict, I chose to research the topic on my own to have a better understanding of it. I have been mentally and emotionally damaged by this situation, made to feel hyper paranoid about simple things like YouTube videos, other women, the public places we go to, what we watch, images, and a million other things I worry myself sick about on a daily basis.
Out of the all the bad experiences I’ve had with people in the past, I thought this would be the one situation, the one person who would show me different. I was wrong about that, completely. In fact, this person has shown me the worst of betrayal of nearly every other person I’ve encountered.
I’ve now seen how a person who claims to love you can also lie to your face. How Men enjoy degrading Women in the worst of ways, have no qualms pressuring Women into sex they don’t want, care nothing about their comfort, their feelings, or their boundaries. How a Man can claim to be a ‘good guy,’ a loving monogamous partner, while secretly pleasuring himself to the images of another Woman. I’ve seen how deep the lies can go. It can go as far as nearly losing ‘the love of your life’ before an actual change is even thought of. It takes the person leaving to get their shit together. And even then, how long will it last? Two months, a year, ten, twenty? I’ve seen countless times on subreddits, Women broken and devastated by discovering their partners infidelity, only to find a new Man sometime later who ‘doesn’t watch porn that much.’ And somehow, this is better.
The jackpot.
An angel amongst men.
That guy is a keeper.
If he was a former drug addict or alcoholic who only drank once a year or snorted a line every few months, would that be okay?
It is not okay, it is never okay, and there is no reason to justify a Man being a relationship and lusting after other Women. That is point of monogamy: To be with, seek for, and love one Woman. And yes, porn, although on a screen, shows real women. Real women who are not your partner.
And even when the former addict starts to show signs of improvement, what also happens frequently is the addict not understanding that the partner has been and will continue to be harmed and emotionally scarred by what she’s been through.
According to studies, it can take 3-5 years for healing to take place and for trust to even be a possibility after last discovery of the habit. Some progress quicker (or slower) than others, but the general consensus is 3-5 years.
And that is not JUST 3-5 years. That is 3-5 years of ongoing recovery and sobriety by the former addict, usually therapy, open communication from the addict to the partner, accountability for their actions, and most importantly, an understanding of and system put into place for when the partner has triggers. Triggers are not just for the addict. Triggers happen for the partner as well. It could be something as simple as a word, an image, a woman walking into the store, a raunchy song on the radio, a racy television ad, a video game advertisement, behaviors that may remind the partner of the day they discovered their partners addiction such as being on the internet for too long, or taking their phone to the bathroom.
What Life Is Like For The Spouse Of A Former Addict
Life for a spouse after porn use or addiction is discovered is forever changed. If you were once a confident woman, that will change. You’re now in a perpetual competition with ever woman you meet. Every woman with a little more or this or that is now a threat, whether you like it or not. It doesn’t mean she actually is one, but in a trauma brain, it is. If you discovered your Husband likes redheads and you’re a blonde, every redhead you see from now on is your Husband’s gal. His fetish, his fantasy, his preferred woman. You’ll avoid certain places to avoid being triggered by seeing an attractive woman you know for a fact your Husband used to ogle. Oh, and that restaurant you and your husband used to go to that you now remember two years back when you caught him staring at another woman’s cleavage? You’re not going there again. And even if you do, you’ll always remember it as the place my Husband shattered my self-esteem. What a pleasant reminder. As a matter of fact, you’ll avoid lots of new things now.
That TV show you used to watch with your Husband only to find out he finds the main character attractive? No longer watched. Every device in your home that can connect to the internet will be chained down and locked immediately. You can’t wait to get home to do that so you’ll never have to worry. God forbid he get a new phone or computer ever again. We’ll lock it down before he can even have a chance to touch it.
Concerts and festivals are no longer fun so we just won’t go anymore. Those places are notorious for scantily clad women and nothing kills the mood (or you’re already crumbling self-confidence) than a crowd of females around you with cleavage and buttocks surrounding your former porn addicted lover. You’ll spend 90% of the time checking to see if he’s checking out someone else. And if he does, we just wasted a hundred bucks on these tickets because we’re going back home in tears.
Sex is also not fun anymore. All it does is remind you of the years of dissatisfaction you had while your husband was knuckles deep in phone fantasies. The sex he wanted, that you didn’t. And it didn’t matter anyways. He wanted what he wanted. It didn’t matter how uncomfortable you clearly looked, or the ten times you said no and he did it anyways. You’re a cum dumpster, remember?
Oh, and your appearance that you used to take so much pride in? Who gives a shit? Not me. Not anymore. Even on your best days, your Husband still found the urge to yank one off at work. Some makeup and kinky sex isn’t going to make your butt bigger or your chest any rounder. You’re nice and all, but you just don’t stack up. You’re not as exciting as the phone girls. Even when you felt sexy and confident, and gave into his sexual demands that one time a few years back, you still aren’t enough. And how could you be? Alexa, and Molly, and Jennifer, and Tasha, and Shaniqua, and a hundred others are right at his fingertips to be used and abused whenever he wants. Oh, and they don’t say no, ever. You do. And that’s just not cool. Boundaries are childish. You should be ‘open minded’ like Tara XXX who does everything, with everyone (for the right price, of course)
So now, everything you loved about yourself isn’t looking so hot anymore. You thought you had nice curves, but not better than hers. You thought your chest was pretty perky, but not as full as theirs. You thought you had a connection that would last a lifetime, but other Women are too enticing. What can you do to be more enticing? I don’t know, maybe do everything he tells you to do sexually even if you don’t like it. Don’t be a prude. Everyone’s doing it and he’ll love you more! Or, he’ll just find someone else to do it. You’re call. Maybe consider some butt implants. You know he likes that, and you’re not quite stacking up. Save up some money and get it done. You want to be attractive, right?
Be more suggestive. Get prettier. Be more adventurous. Do everything he says and he won’t need porn anymore because you’re his everything now. You got the body, the long straight hair he likes, the large bottom, the boobs, and you give into every demand he asks for!
You’re all set.
Now, the good life begins.
Except, it doesn’t.
You can look like Rihanna, Beyoncé, and his favorite porn stars combined and he’ll still cheat and still watch porn. In fact, he could be with a porn star and still watch porn. It’s ironic, and extremely sad, but it’s true. Because I wasn’t the issue in my partner’s addiction, and neither are you.
I was, and still am, and you are, very attractive. Intelligent. Funny. And so are a million other Women and they’ll be put through the same song and dance. No one is safe from the pain of addiction.
Divorces Happen: Here’s One Of The Top Reasons Why:
Why do so many spouses fail? It’s simple really.
A man who does not understand how a partner is affected by addiction is doomed to fail.
Why?
Because while you’re allowing time to assist in her healing, if you’re meeting her suspicion of you or triggered reactions with anger, indifference, or defensiveness: You’ve failed her. You failed to comfort her through her trigger, or her knee jerk reaction to what may have been a simple misunderstanding. You’ve failed to reassure her that it’s OK, that she is safe with you, and that you understand she is being triggered by something and helping her cope with this emotionally until it passes.
So many relationships have failed all because the former addict is not meeting the emotional needs of their partner and helping her through her own recovery. Many a Woman has felt that their partner doesn’t understand their triggers, their ‘overreactions,’ etc. They instead become defensive, and react with facts instead of emotion.
Read these two examples spoken by a former addict to their spouse. In fact, read them twice preferably. Read them out loud to yourself, right now, and tell me what you think:
Response #1: “I understand that you’re upset about/thinking about/triggered by ________ because of the past. You’re right to feel that way. Even though I’m in recovery now and have been doing well, there was a time when I was still in my addiction and hurt you because of it. Now, there’s memories, triggers, and thoughts you’re having as a result of the trauma from my own betrayal of your trust, and I’m so sorry I did that to you. I understand now what it means to be clean, and I’m so happy to be here, and with you through it. You’re worth never doing this ever again, and I wouldn’t put you through that pain again. I do this for myself, yes, but I do it for you too because I love you. I couldn’t imagine losing you to something so stupid and meaningless. I’ll be there for you when you feel this way, and I won’t invalidate how you feel because there’s always a reason you feel this way. Just like I have been triggered by things, you are too. But just know that, you’re safe with me. Always.”
Response #2: “What happened? I don’t understand why that would have caused you to get upset. I mean, I get it, with our past and what has happened. And, I’m sorry. But I’ve been sober for like, a year, I go to my meetings every week, I talk to you, I listen, I hold myself accountable. It’s like nothing I do is good enough. I’m sorry for what has happened in the past, but I can only do what I can now. I don’t expect miracles, but I did expect us to be way further ahead than this…”
Now tell me, which of those responses do you think is going to save a marriage, and which one is most likely to end it?
Also, language matters. Tone matters. You can feel the difference in both responses. The most obvious difference is the selfless, partner focused first response. The second response is self-centered (I, I, I, and YOU aren’t) is so negative and defensive, it’s no wonder many partners close up and leave. Nothing in that response says, ‘I hear you, I’m there for you, your feelings matter.’ Not one bit. It is defensive, frustrated, angry, annoyed, and pointing fingers at the victim, sadly enough. So, let this be a visual lesson of what to say what NOT to say. Language matters.
Jenna and Byron: The Recovering Addict And His Hurting Spouse
Here is another example for you. It’s a story about a couple who have been affected by addiction, the former addicts’ response to her trauma, and how that affected their marriage long term. Read it fully, twice if you need to. It is valuable. Take what lessons you can from it:
Jenna and Byron have been together for ten years, four of them riddled with trust issues as a result of Byron’s former use of pornography and masturbation. Jenna always felt that her and Byron were soulmates: Two people who loved each other, laughed every chance they got, understood each other, and above all: trusted one another. Unfortunately, Jenna realized her relationship was not what she thought it was. One day, she asked Byron for his phone to google search a local restaurant they planned to have their anniversary dinner. Byron seemed hesitant to pass his phone along to her, something that made her a little suspicious. She took Byron’s phone and began to head to google. As she typed in the first letter of the restaurant, ‘M’ she saw Byron’s recent search history. Most of the links were searched for and viewed less than two days ago. Without going into detail, Jenna discovered Byrons’ internet porn usage and sexual preferences.
Since that day, Jenna no longer felt like herself. She began to be overly critical of her appearance, so much so that she considered plastic surgery to feel more confident in her body and become the fantasy woman she felt Byron really wanted. She cringed when Byron would touch her or look at her lustfully which caused their sex life to become passionless and nearly nonexistent. She became depressed and their relationship began to deteriorate. She no longer wanted to have sex with Byron. All she could imagine is him thinking of the Women she saw on his phone and saved to his photo album.
She felt the marriage was over and there was nothing left to salvage. “If he loves me, why is he pleasuring himself to other Women behind my back? He clearly isn’t attracted to me if that’s how he spends his time. Why do I even bother? I can’t stack up to those plastic women he gets off to. I don’t have what they have, so why the hell is he even with me? I should leave him to have his phone fantasies while I still have a shred of self-esteem. I don’t even know who he is anymore. He’s…a liar, and a deceiver, and a creep for doing this in the first place. Everything I’ve ever felt for him, and how I thought he felt about me is gone.”
It took Jenna over a year to even come to terms with her husband’s addiction and lies. They slept in separate rooms and barely spoke to each other unless absolutely necessary. She would even stay in hotel rooms or spend the night with friends as the more she was around him, the angrier and sadder she became. During this time, Byron came clean about his addiction and began seeking help. He attended SA meetings twice a week, and even developed a relationship with a Man who was ten years clean who became his accountability partner. He read books on addiction, developed a plan for keeping himself clean, and joined online support groups.
Months went by and Jenna noticed a change in Byron. He became more expressive, more caring, open, honest, and had no issues showing Jenna his phone history and letting her know where he was and what he did during the day. Jenna was happy to see a change, and somewhat hopefully for the future of their relationship, but the wound was still fresh. She knew that trust wasn’t there, not by a long shot, and even a year into his recovery, she was still as angry as she was the day she discovered his habit.
Although Byron was sober, in recovery, and doing all he felt he could to prove she could trust him for good, Jenna wasn’t buying it. Their entire relationship was affected by the addiction and she missed out on the love and connection she could have had with Byron if he sought help from the get go. She was angry for being deceived, saddened that the dynamic of their relationship would never be the same after this betrayal, and even more saddened that the man she fully opened her heart to lied to her. All while reaping the benefits of her loyalty, intimacy, and friendship she gave to him freely, and honestly.
Jenna was slowly starting to develop trust in Byron. Although she was still suffering because of the addiction, she was relieved to know he was going down the right path. But there was a problem. Although in recovery, Byron repeatedly neglected to do one thing: He understood his addiction, but he never understood the severity of how that affected his wife, and how to deal with that.
And I don’t mean she was sad and hurt and angry. That’s surface level explanation. He didn’t understand she no longer was confident in her body, and as a result, chose not to go to certain places where she felt there would be a lot of Women there, or that she stopped watching most of her favorite television shows while he was around in fear of a scene possibly triggering her, and him. Or, that she considered getting breast implants and had a secret savings account just for the procedure. She suddenly stopped inviting her girlfriends to their home because he may be attracted to their body type.
That Jenna would have thoughts of the betrayal pop into her head and suddenly her mood would change seemingly out of the blue. Or that Jenna would be so afraid of him relapsing that she would make herself sick with worry (not figuratively, but literally sick to her stomach thinking about him betraying her again, finding links and images in his phone that she’ll be left to remember for the rest of her life)
Byron didn’t understand her. And even worse, he didn’t seek to understand her. And even worse than that, he made her feel at fault when these triggers would happen.
One day Jenna and Byron were on their way to the post office to mail Christmas cards to their families. While at a red light, a group of Women standing at the cross walk began to walk to the other side of the street, right in front of their truck. Jenna took a quick look at two of the Women and was immediately triggered.
One of the Women was young, likely in her early twenties. She had long auburn hair in braids, a low-cut tank top, and tight blue jeans. The other Woman, who also looked to be in her twenties, followed beside her in an equally revealing top and green shorts with platform sandals. Jenna could feel herself becoming self-conscious and upset at the sight of the scantily clad Women. She tried looking in the corner of her eye at Byron to see if he was reacting in any way to the Women. Byron unconsciously looked in their direction for about a second and turned his head, but this was enough to trigger Jenna further. She hated that they were even there, and that Byron even saw them there at all. She become quiet and Byron noticed a few minutes later. When Jenna mentioned the women, Byron reacted defensively. He began to go on a tangent about how well his recovery was going and how things in their relationship has changed and she shouldn’t still be reacting that way over a ‘simple woman walking by.’
As expected, this made Jenna feel worse.
She felt even more insecure about the situation, and had no desire to even discuss further how she felt. It seemed meaningless, after all. Here she was being triggered by an unexpected situation, and instead of comforting her, he took that sensitive moment to talk about himself, his recovery, all while making her feelings seem small and petty, as if there was no reason in the world, she was reacting this way. That was the time for Byron to make Jenna feel safe, and he failed to do that. Byron failed his Wife in a huge way, and sadly, that wouldn’t be the last time.
For another two years into his recovery, Byron continued to react similarly to Jenna’s pain and triggers. I’m not a porn addict nor have I been a recovering addict, but I can imagine it sucks to think that even if you’re doing the right thing, it seems to go unnoticed. The mistake is thinking that your progress is not being noticed. It is. Daily.
But, there’s one part of recovery that former addicts fail to realize. You doing ‘the right thing’ is one part of the equation. And ‘doing the right thing’ has nothing to do with your partner. When someone is hurting, the last thing they want to hear is you talking about yourself. Since when did a person’s pain become a time to go on a spiel about your success, and why their feelings are irrational because you’re doing so well and they should try harder to move past it because it’s been like a year and you just need to trust and change your attitude and…
Yeah. I guarantee you that’s exactly what your partner is hearing, whether you said those exact words or not. All they hear is: My partner doesn’t care to support me in my time of weakness. My feelings are not valid to him, and I can no longer rely on him to be there for me. His recovery is his concern: My feelings are just in the way.
And as you can imagine, Jenna and Byron eventually divorced after nearly fifteen years of marriage.
It’s really a shame, but could have been avoided completely.
The betrayal isn’t what caused their marriage to end in divorce. It was the lack of understanding on the side of the addict. Had Byron taken a genuine interest in learning about the effects of addiction on partners and how to truly support her, there may have been hope for them. But with Jenna feeling abandoned by her Husband and made to feel that her healing should have expectations of time, she felt rushed, misunderstood, and her emotional needs were not being met. She loved Byron enough to be patient and understanding during his journey to recovery, even after devastated by her betrayal. But Byron didn’t offer her the same courtesy, and that is what led to their demise.
She was already having to cope with supporting her Husband and coming to terms with how she has changed as a result of the betrayal, all while accepting that the dynamic of her relationship never be the same. But even in recovery, Byron didn’t learn that his Wife also needed support. Through the seemingly ‘irrational’ outbursts, he could have met her insecurity with patience and understanding.
During these moments of weakness, it is not the time to put the focus on you. Ever. That is the mistake so many addicts make. It’s not about you. It’s about your partner. She doesn’t want to hear that you’ve been in recovery for a year. She doesn’t want to hear that you’re doing way better than your buddies. She doesn’t want to hear that she shouldn’t be triggered by anything anymore because your recovery is going so well. When she is triggered, you let her know you understand how that triggered her. Be beside her and let her know what she’s feeling is understandable. Don’t undermine her pain. Unless you’re looking to destroy the already nonexistent trust you have AND let her know her feelings are wrong, go for it. But if you want to make this work, do the opposite.
In case you need bullet points, here you go:
Triggers will happen for her. They are inevitable. Understand this. And yes, it will be something as simple as a photo or a two second ad on a video. Nothing is too small or off limits.
When she is upset, validate that feeling. And if you don’t understand, don’t say ‘I don’t understand.’ ASK how that triggered her. If she’s not comfortable saying so, that’s normal. Move on to…
Telling her you understand she is being triggered by something that reminds her of your past behavior.
Follow up by tactfully explaining that she’s safe with you now and she doesn’t have to worry. (Now if this is a blatant lie and you’re not in recovery or confident about maintaining sobriety, don’t even bother reading the rest of the bullet points. You should be honest and allow her to stay, or go.)
Express genuine empathy. You’re so sorry that she’s still hurting from this, but she is safe with you. That cannot be stressed enough (If it’s actually true)
Engage her in an activity you can both do together that is enjoyable, like a game, a walk in the park, your favorite restaurant (Don’t offer her sex or any kind of physical intimacy here unless she directly requests it. The last thing on her mind when triggered is having sex with you, trust me)
Or better yet, do something nice for her when she’s triggered! Make dinner, clean up the house, run her a bath, Light some candles to add some happy atmosphere to the room, buy her a slice of her favorite cake. Talking is nice, but putting some of that niceness into action is even better. Make her feel appreciated.
DO. NOT. USE. LANGUAGE. THAT. INSINUATES. HER. TRIGGERS. ARE. WRONG.
DO NOT make the conversation about yourself. If you’re saying ‘I’ more than a few times, stop. This moment is about her. Not you.
Learn and ask what makes her feel safe. Does talking make her feel safe, an accountability app, a phone call when you get to where you’re going? If it makes her feel safe, do it. Every day. Not just when she’s mad or she’ll think you’re only doing it out of obligation.
Understand that anger is a secondary emotion. There is no such thing as anger. Anger covers up primary emotions, which are usually fear, insecurity, and emotional pain. She’s feeling all of this. So, she told you to fuck off and leave? She’s scared you’ll fail her again. She called you an idiot? She’s hurt by what you’ve done to her and insults you verbally to release the pain, while in turn, hurting you. It’s not right, but neither is betraying your spouse with addiction. It’s not about right or wrong. Trauma just is.
Do not leave your spouse when she’s hurting. I don’t care if she’s being an asshole, called you a name, or told you off. Trauma responses can be irrational. It doesn’t matter. Love her through it anyways. If you need to go take a shot of whiskey to come back to her calmly or yell in the car and come back, do it. (I don’t condone drinking, but you got to do what you got to do)
It’s that simple.
I hope that today, tomorrow, and for however long it takes for your amazing spouse or partner to heal from your betrayal is done with love, understanding, and patience. It can be done. Patience and understanding are what your partner needs.
To be honest, you’ve already done enough damage to her as it is, some of which may be irreversible. She didn’t ask to be thrust into your addiction. The least you can do is make it your job to support her in every way you can.
No blaming, no self-centered talk, no factual arguments (I’ve been in recovery for _, I’ve been doing __, etc.), no defensiveness, and no abandoning her when the conversation gets rough.
Seek to understand her pain. Listen. Be patient.
She’s hurting.
Yes, still.
Even years later.
And I don’t care if you’re going to SA meetings every day, reading books on addiction during lunch, punching porn addicts in the face until they get sober, or threw your smartphone over a cliff and never replaced it.
The best way to repay your partner is not only by remaining sober and in recovery (the bare minimum) but also, to make her feel heard, safe, understood, and for God’s sake, make her feel she made the right decision in giving your relationship a second chance.
Don’t make her regret it.”
r/loveafterporn • u/Lonely_Dove_092 • 6h ago
It’s almost funny how it’s like a joke that you yourself could be attractive or desirable. Of course, everyone else is, online, other women everywhere. But just not you. Never you. And you are pathetic for thinking so or trying. I give up.
r/loveafterporn • u/Secretaccount12392 • 3h ago
As the title says I caught him again and he once again tried to lie to me I know it's not my fault but this absolutely destroys me and is starting to really solidify my want to leave because I genuinely can't handle this it hurts me and he knows it and he's not even trying to stop because he still actively watches porn and visits ai chatrooms online I love him so much but I can't handle much more of this I just don't know want to do anymore...
r/loveafterporn • u/Afraid_Cut_7362 • 12h ago
Sitting in the relationship therapist's carpark after our session (hubby has gone home already). Therapist knows about my past history with sexual abuse, we have all discussed at length how and why pornography triggers me, but today it was different. Hubby brought up a comment I made about not being able to go through this again (this is the second time he's been caught out by it in our 11 year relationship and I said I wouldn't be able to handle a third time), and therapist launched into a discussion about how porn is actually widely used by so many people and isn't harmful, and that it's healthy for him to have sexuality outside of me (sure but why does porn need to be involved). I felt so invalidated. Our session after D-Day looked at "what work do we need to do in order to rebuild trust and ensure the relationship is a priority, and ensure future betrayals don't occur", but now it feels like "wife needs to become comfortable with pornography because hubby does want freedom to use it as a 'tool'". She likened it to women using vibrators. (Which I don't do either because I never self pleasure thanks to upbringing and past abuse.)
I don't know. I'm just feeling invalidated, overwhelmed and upset that I'm the one who feels so betrayed yet I'm expected to come to terms with something I have such a horrific history with. AND come to terms with the fact that my husband kept this part of himself secret. I thought I had found someone who was in the same "porn is harmful" camp as me. But no, he's a user and now I'm meant to be okay with that.
r/loveafterporn • u/BluebirdSad3735 • 3h ago
If you left your partner but still know what's going on in their lives because you stayed in touch or share a child, how long ago did you leave, and what happened to them afterward?
We share a child and still live together for now. I'm trying to get back to full-time work so I can rent a flat, but it's a slow process, and he's getting worse by the day.
His workday started two hours ago, and he's still asleep because he stayed up watching porn until dawn.
I think his porn addiction started when he was a teenager. "Low libido" and, later, ED were part of our 10-year relationship from the start but I didn't realize until recently that porn might have been the reason.
We ended our relationship a month ago because he said he never want to have sex with me ever again, and his porn use has increased dramatically since then. He even bought an automatic Wi-Fi-controlled masturbator (the Handy 1.1).
I don't know what to expect in the future. We wanted to share custody, but he has a short temper when our daughter doesn't go to sleep on time and he doesn't get his computer time when he expects it. So I'm afraid this whole situation could affect his ability to parent.
So what happened with your exes in the long run?
r/loveafterporn • u/Wise-Ad-8695 • 15h ago
There is hope outside of your PA. Please don’t stay because you’re scared there’s nothing better out there.
This time last year, I was in one of the darkest places of my life after the final D-Day with my PA ex. I was still desperately trying to make things work because we had been together for five years, and I obviously still loved him. But the trust was completely gone.
I thought about the things he had done every single day. I was angry, depressed, insecure, and constantly triggered. I couldn’t even scroll through social media without comparing myself to other women or being reminded of everything. I lost 20 pounds(not a good thing at my weight). And despite everything we’d been through, I still had this gut feeling that he was looking at girls on Instagram and doing things behind my back (which he later admitted to).
Even after we finally broke up in November, I was miserable. I thought about it every single day. I hated myself, hated how I looked, and couldn’t see an attractive girl in public or online without feeling sick. I would scroll through this subreddit constantly, desperately looking for some glimmer of hope.
I genuinely convinced myself that every man in our generation (I’m 26) was a gooner. That porn was so normalized that there was no escaping it. That any man who had been single long enough was probably addicted to porn anyway. That it was too late for me to find someone who didn’t watch it.
And even if I did find someone, I was terrified that I was so traumatized by what I’d been through that I would ruin the relationship myself. That I’d always be jealous, suspicious, insecure, constantly needing reassurance, checking phones, and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I thought, “why even leave? I’m already five years in. At least I love him. At least I know who he is. What if the next guy is exactly the same?”
But then I met my current boyfriend, and I cannot even begin to explain how wrong I was.
He is genuinely an angel. All those red flags that were present with my ex from the beginning? Not a single one has appeared. He makes me feel beautiful, loved, respected, and SECURE. I trust him completely. I’ve never felt the need to snoop through his phone, constantly reaffirm my boundaries, or question what he’s doing when I’m not around.
I spent so long thinking I was going to carry that jealousy and insecurity into every relationship for the rest of my life. But it turns out that being with someone who consistently makes you feel safe and respected changes everything.
I have genuinely never been happier, and I wish I could go back and tell the girl I was a year ago that this is what was waiting for her on the other side.
All of this is to say, there is hope outside of your PA. Please don’t be afraid to leave because you think every man is the same, or because you think you’re too damaged to ever have a healthy relationship again.
If your PA repeatedly disrespects your boundaries, he is disrespecting you and your relationship. You do not have to keep forgiving someone simply because you’ve invested years of your life into loving them.
There are men out there who will respect you, your boundaries, and your relationship without you having to beg for it. There are relationships where you don’t have to spend every day wondering what your partner is doing behind your back.
Please don’t mistake the fear of starting over for a reason to stay. You have a choice. And there is so much happiness waiting for you beyond what you’re going through right now.
r/loveafterporn • u/_ByAnyOther_Name • 9h ago
Unfortunately we couldn't get a sex therapist and had to wait 6 months with a few different practices to get a spot. I don't know what my goal is anymore. We have an almost two year old. Together 14 years, married for 3.
In the past year a lot of the pain from the betrayal faded, but as it did the love didn't come back. We are great co-parents. Great friends. A great team. I never want him to fucking touch me or see me naked or vulnerable ever again. I hate him. I can bury that hate so we can love our daughter. We go on hikes, goofy dance with our kid, visit or families, talk bull shit. But he chose porn.
When I found out and confronted him he blamed me. A nursing mother who had 4 stitches after birth. I never even said no to him, just tried to give bjs instead of PIV because though I was healed there was scar tissue and it HURT. And I was sleep deprived from pumping after nursing ever 4 hours at night to get supply up.
He had the nerve to tell me if I had sex with him more he wouldn't have used porn. He never even told me he felt unsatisfied. I fucking hate him.
I quit my career when I had our baby. I'm a SAHM. I guess the best outcome I can think of is how to just keep doing what we are doing because I don't want that asshole's hands on me ever again. There's nothing he can do or say to make me believe he isn't going to use porn.
He told me he had been trying and it was a moment of weakness. I don't want to be with someone who struggles not to masturbate to other naked women. I want someone who is satisfied by just me.
Fuck all of them.
r/loveafterporn • u/Kppsych • 9h ago
My (F28) partner (M29) seems to be taking recovery somewhat seriously. I say that because I wish he would do a little more, but he is at least in therapy and attempting to stop porn use. He deleted all his kept porn and places he got it from. Of course there’s the internet still but I at least appreciate that he got rid of all the easy go to stuff for him. He’s on his second attempt without porn, his first relapse occurred after two weeks and he told me immediately. I do think he is trying…
Yet I feel so hopeless. I am so afraid that his desire for me can’t come back, no matter how well his recovery goes. I KNOW it isn’t me. I know it’s all novelty driven. In fact I think I’m fairly decent looking. I don’t like my face, but I think I have a pretty good body. I’m fit with some curves. If I’m honest, I can find my body type quite easily and regularly on porn sites….so I know it isn’t me.
It still fucking hurts and no amount of understanding of his addiction makes it hurt less. Seeing him lose all desire for me since the novelty is gone, but feeling turned on immediately by a 5 second picture of a random girl on instagram. He didn’t even stay on it long, yet that was enough. But a whole woman in front of him? How boring.
How dare they? How dare they pick newness over character, over intimacy and connection? We are human beings. How dare they reduce us down to how novel we are? That we can be thrown away the second we are “boring”. That they deserve to have a harem of women to please them. It’s both heartbreaking and rage inducing.
The uncertainty lately has been heavier since he’s started trying. All I can think is what if he does all the work, and it changes nothing?
r/loveafterporn • u/AccomplishedKey9185 • 19h ago
i dont think i could ever regain my confidence, i feel as if its over for me
r/loveafterporn • u/LastButterscotch287 • 18h ago
I think one of the biggest things I’m struggling with is all of the back and forth in my own mind!
Am I being too hard on him? Am I being cruel and making it worse? Am I being too lax and disrespecting myself in the process? Am I completely jumping the gun if I leave? Am I going to be miserable forever if I stay? What boundaries do I set? Am I being realistic?
Like my brain is constantly going. I don’t even know where to start! DDay was a month and a half ago and I just don’t even know where to go from here.
r/loveafterporn • u/InfamousRegular6675 • 15h ago
My partner has been clean for just over a year now. It wasn't only porn, he was joining dating sites and whatnot. Porn was a trigger for him, so he stopped watching it.
He's doing it all cold turkey and I'm just wondering if doing it without any help actually works? Has anyone else's partner stopped with will power alone?
r/loveafterporn • u/Fit-Tank213 • 8h ago
So i turned on the tv yesterday morning to wake up to a bunch of women twerking and half naked on my boyfriends youtube channel. Now, i was a little skeptical at first because we have that tvs youtube channel on guest mode, so there's no account attached. But, at the same time i'm pretty sure the guest mode is based off your activity and your algorithm. so it really threw me off, i asked my boyfriend and he swears up and down he had nothing to do with it but cmon.. why would those things magically appear ?? Me and him regularly use that youtube channel and this just came up out of nowhere. so i'm thinking obviously he slipped some time in to do it. I don't know? am i overthinking it? or is this something y'all see as-well? i want to believe him but he lost my trust after the first time he said he would stop and didn't. I really want to be wrong about this☹️please someone let me know
r/loveafterporn • u/General-External9480 • 14h ago
packing up stuff to move out this weekend... im sad and scared and overwhelmed.. I havent cried all day today or had a panic attack so thats good but the anxiety and depression is so heavy.
I think the worst part is how okay he seems.. like i feel like im dying not being able to text him or talk to him and it hurts knowing he just doesn't seem to care... I took a pic of our cat in a bag today messing around and immediately just got so sad I couldn't send it to him... it sucks to not have him come home at the usual time he would be coming home from work. it sucks so much he chose to throw 9 years of us away for porn.
I keep thinking about all the plans we made we'll never get to do... all the vacations we planned to take and future goals and I'll never get to do any of it with him.
I know this is for the best... I know he would never change. I know I will never be able to trust him again. but packing my stuff up and leaving this apartment I've spent so much time and effort and money into making our home.. a place where I felt safe and happy... it sucks so much. I know theres a better future in store for me but it just doesnt make it any easier...
and theres so much I dont know if i should take or not or feel guilty taking... and i know its like he broke up with you take whatever you want but i cant help it... I still love him so much... I wish he did this after a d day when i was so upset and angry and heartbroken and ready to break up instead of now when i had recovered and was so excited to see him again... its just so much harder.
r/loveafterporn • u/ApprehensiveNose5968 • 15h ago
Yesterday (our three year anniversary) I found out that my husband (24) has been regularly watching porn for the last ten months. When we first got married I (23) made it very clear that I consider porn cheating and that it would not be a part of our life together. The boundaries were made very clear, and he was very well aware of them.
How did I find out? Well, we’ve been having issues in the bedroom for, you guessed it, the last ten months. He has been unable to keep an erection, or when he does it only lasts max two minutes. I found this quite odd given he’s 24 and given that he is otherwise very healthy and shouldn’t be experiencing ED at this level. This should have been an obvious sign in retrospect, but I trusted him (at the time) to never betray me in this way. I kept finding myself crying, disgusted and ashamed that it must be something wrong with my body or that I wasn’t enough for him. For a long time I was gentle with him, telling him it was okay and that he just had some anxiety around sex and that we could just work through it. He kept saying he would get therapy, which I heard over and over and over and it just never happened. After a long time of that, I started to get more harsh. When he pretended to cry about his ED I’d just tell him that I didn’t know what was wrong with him either and that he needed to figure it out. Maybe I was cold, but now that I know why all of this has been happening I don’t care anymore.
Then, come to find out, he’s been sneaking around watching porn at work and when I’m asleep at night. I feel so unbelievably blindsided, lost, and like I no longer have any idea who this man is. He always portrayed this version of a person who is kind, considerate, patient, loving, and smart but all the while he’s been getting off to other women while I’m crying, wondering what’s wrong with ME. How could he see me crying, feeling so embarrassed about my body, knowing that all of this is because he’s watching porn? How could he deprive me and lie behind my back the whole time? How could he find gratification looking at other women and then look at me, crying and distraught, and NEVER fess up?? He only came clean because I finally asked him if that was why he couldn’t keep an erection.
I guess I’m just not entirely sure how to move forward or even what to do with myself. Unfortunately I felt I had to give him an ultimatum, which is something I NEVER wanted to resort to in my marriage. I told him if he ever watches porn again I will divorce him. But then I find myself wondering, will that just make him hid it better this time? How are we supposed to have a sex life at all given my trust is now completely obliterated. To add salt to the wound, he told me he never wanted me to know and that he didn’t plan to tell me. He just wanted to brush it under the rug, despite all of the pain his ED has caused me.
Aside from all of this, we have such a lovely life together. He takes good care of me, loves me, goes out of his way for me, is incredibly smart and has admirable aspirations for his life and at the end of the day is my best friend. But even saying that, how much does it even matter if he was okay to lie to my face for months and cause me so much pain and watch my question my own worth for so long? I feel like I have absolutely no idea who I married, and that everything up till now has been a big fat fucking lie. I hate him for how he’s made me feel and for having such little respect for me. I feel like a fool for being so gentle and considerate while not realizing what was going on this whole time behind closed doors. How could he know I was sleeping peacefully in the next room while he was lusting over and gratifying himself to other women.
I kicked him out of the house for a week and told him I need space to heal and think. We don’t have kids together, and that fact that I feel grateful for that right now makes me incredibly heartbroken and angry. Even the “good ones” will betray you, traumatize you, and act selfishly. They’re all the same, and I just don’t know that I trust he will actually change. I feel like an idiot.
r/loveafterporn • u/badatm4ths • 12h ago
Not really sure how to start this.
He fell asleep one night and I went through his phone because I had a strange feeling (thank you universe). I did not expect to find 100s of payments, telegram downloaded, a discord server, an X account where he is paying for videos and pictures.
I wanted to be so angry but I had to hold it together because we were visiting his family.
Got home and I told him I knew everything and he still lied and gaslighted me until eventually he came clean and started crying etc etc. I gave him this grace because I've suffered with bad mental health (silly me I guess) and can see it's some kind of addiction. He said he would get help (I knew he wouldn't).
Fast forward two weeks.... I went through his phone again and guess what I see. What a surprise.
I don't know what to do. I can't trust him and I know I'll always be looking at his phone until I can trust him and who knows when that will be.
Do I just leave? In some ways I want him to let me go.
This is all complicated because I'm living abroad and I'm away from my family and friends. I can just leave and go elsewhere but starting again... I'm just seriously confused. I have enough money to leave. I don't know what to do. I'm obviously upset so please don't be harsh, I just need advice :/ he's also my best friend so I'm just torn? I will probably also delete this post later.
r/loveafterporn • u/Public-Dragonfly4879 • 23h ago
Guys, I’m not okay. He cheated on me with a lot of women. I found out yesterday that his new girlfriend of a month is one of his old affair partners. She’s been sleeping over in his apartment with my little girl asleep in the next room, less than 10 ft away. He sounded so smug when he told me.
r/loveafterporn • u/classier_ • 16h ago
Here I am again ladies… another long one..
I (35F) have been with my partner since February 2025. We have a five-month-old son together, and I have a seven-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. I’m also currently pregnant with twin girls.
A few months after having our son, I found out I was pregnant again, despite being on birth control. I want to emphasize that I WAS taking birth control when I conceived the twins. This pregnancy was completely unplanned, and the timing couldn’t have been more overwhelming.
Between having a newborn, financial stress, my daughter’s needs, and everything happening in our relationship, we seriously considered abortion. I actually had the medication in my possession but was struggling with the decision.
Then we found out we were having twins, and ultimately decided to continue the pregnancy.
I love my children, and I’m excited about our girls, but I’m also terrified of what our future looks like given the state of our relationship.
A little background on the betrayal..
I discovered that my partner had been secretly consuming fetish related content for approximately 17 months, essentially our entire relationship. He has a specific fetish involving larger women, weight gain, and feedism, something he says he’s hidden his entire life.
To clarify, he wasn’t watching traditional porn. He wasn’t looking at men and women having sex or women masturbating. He was watching women weigh themselves, weight-gain videos, looking at women’s stomachs, nude pictures of larger women, and other content specifically catering to his fetish.
He sought this content across Reddit, Instagram, TikTok, OnlyFans, and fetish-specific websites. He was also paying for content and interacting with creators on OF.
Some of the content probably wouldn’t even register as sexual to most people. A woman showing her stomach or stepping on a scale might seem innocent, but for him, that was the sexual appeal.
He maintains that he wasn’t masturbating to any of this during our relationship. He describes his behavior as compulsive but doesn’t consider himself a porn or sex addict.
I want to be clear that the fetish itself isn’t what I’m upset about. It’s the secrecy, the deception, the paid content, and the fact that he knew my boundaries surrounding pornography and sexual interactions outside our relationship and continued anyway.
He was engaging with this content while I was pregnant with our son and even days after I gave birth. That part is particularly painful for me.
For 17 months, I thought I was in a relationship where we shared the same understanding of monogamy. Meanwhile, he was secretly seeking sexual stimulation from other women.
Now we’re trying to repair things, and this is where I’m really struggling.
He tells me he loves me, values me, wants our family, and doesn’t want to lose me. I believe he loves me, but I don’t feel like he’s putting in the effort necessary to make me feel safe again.
I’ve suggested therapy, support groups, podcasts, educational videos, and other resources to help him understand his behavior and the impact of betrayal.
He’s attended one therapy session, but his new insurance benefits aren’t active yet, so continuing therapy has been difficult. I understand that part isn’t entirely within his control.
He refuses to attend a support group because he insists he isn’t an addict. I’m not trying to force an addiction label on him, but he acknowledges that his behavior was compulsive. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t at least explore resources that might help him understand those compulsions.
I’ve also suggested switching to a flip phone temporarily because his smartphone was how he accessed so much of this content. He pushed back quite a bit but eventually agreed. He still hasn’t followed through, and now says he can’t because his new car insurance tracks his driving through an app, he needs a camera for work, etc.
To his credit, he has allowed me to put parental restrictions on his iPhone, and I can check his laptop since much of his activity is synced through the cloud.
But I hate that this is what our relationship has become.
I don’t want to monitor a grown man. I don’t want to check devices or wonder whether he’s found another way to access the content. I want to trust that he’s making good decisions because he values our relationship, not because I’ve made it harder for him to do otherwise.
What frustrates me most is that almost everything has been initiated by me. I’m the one suggesting resources, bringing up conversations, asking for reassurance, and explaining what I need to feel safe. I feel like I’m managing his recovery while also trying to process my own hurt.
And emotionally, I’m really struggling.
There are times when we’re intimate and he takes longer to finish, and my mind immediately goes to the women he was looking at. I start wondering whether I’m enough, whether he’s thinking about those women, or whether he’s genuinely attracted to me.
Recently, this happened, and I started crying. He initially told me not to cry, and when I couldn’t just stop being upset, he expressed frustration because he had a big day at work and didn’t want to deal with it right then.
I wasn’t trying to start an argument. I was hurting.
We had to move on with our morning because our son woke up, and I spent the rest of the day feeling awful. He never really checked in about what happened. He asked how my day was, but didn’t acknowledge why I’d been so upset that morning.
It’s little things like that that make me feel so alone in this.
I’ve told him repeatedly that I need him to initiate conversations sometimes, ask how I’m doing, reassure me without being prompted, and independently make an effort to understand betrayal and rebuilding trust. He has told me that he values me because he isn’t actively devaluing me anymore. But I don’t think simply stopping the behavior is the same thing as repairing the damage it caused.
I’m also trying to be reasonable. I know he can’t erase what happened, and I know my healing is ultimately something I have to work through too. I don’t expect him to fix every intrusive thought or spend every waking moment reassuring me.
I just want to see consistent effort that I didn’t have to ask for. And with two more babies on the way, I’m scared.
I’m already worried about how I’m going to divide my attention between my seven-year-old, our infant son, and two newborns. I’m worried about finances, postpartum recovery, and how we’re going to manage everything.
I don’t want to go through another postpartum period feeling emotionally unsupported, especially when so much of my previous pregnancy and postpartum experience now feels overshadowed by what he was doing behind my back.
I love him, and I genuinely want our relationship to work. But I’m becoming resentful that I have to keep asking the person who hurt me to help repair what he damaged.
I don’t need perfection. I need initiative, empathy, consistency, and follow-through.
I guess I’m wondering if my expectations are unreasonable.
For those who have experienced betrayal, what did your partner actually do to rebuild trust? Did they take initiative, or did you have to keep asking?
And for those familiar with compulsive sexual behavior, is it unreasonable to expect someone to seek out support or education even if they don’t identify as an addict?
I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have navigated something similar while pregnant or raising young children.
I’m exhausted, and I don’t know how to explain what I need any differently than I already have.
r/loveafterporn • u/whatdoidonowwithyou • 1d ago
Hey everyone, no judgment here, please.
Can I ask how you all deal with your sexual needs when you’re in a sexless marriage? I’m not asking anyone to share their deepest secrets, just genuinely wondering how others cope.
My husband is addicted to porn, and we barely have sex. Mostly I manage to push my needs aside, but sometimes I desperately crave sex, physical touch, and that feeling of being wanted and desired.
It’s not even just about having an orgasm. I miss being touched, feeling someone’s hands on me, and experiencing real intimacy.
Honestly it’s eating me alive sometimes. I feel like I’m wasting away sexually, like this part of me is slowly dying while I still have so much desire.
How do you deal with that? What actually helps?
r/loveafterporn • u/General-External9480 • 1d ago
when I saw him yesterday to sort some stuff post breakup he said something that hurt me so much... he said "maybe we can try this again in the future"... like i gave you everything i gave you 9 years of my life the entirety of my 20's and youre throwing it all away but want the option to come back ???
it just hurt because i was like he really does see me like a dog... he thinks he can do whatever he wants to me and ill still be here at the end of the day because thats the precedent ive set...
like you broke up with me over the phone during midterms and told me basically to move out as soon as possible... all because you want to go watch porn and not be lectured about it but you still want the option to get back together if you want to ??? its just crazy it made me so sad when he said that because im like... i dont even know who you are anymore because youre certainly not the man i thought you were and now you want the option to just decide you want to get back together once you realize you made a mistake and binging porn alone isnt the glamorous life you thought it would be??
it just hurt. like i would have done anything for you i loved you so much and you didnt care and you dont care and you want the option to go explore your options and see if the grass is greener all while having the opportunity to come back if and when you decide actually you dont want to lose what you have??? idk its just crazy. it hurts to see he really thinks he can just do whatever he wants and how he truly sees me without any care or regard.
r/loveafterporn • u/Creative_Slice4023 • 22h ago
Wavering between feeling hopeless and holding onto hope that things can go back to how they were/that he really is different from who he was when he was looking at/liking that stuff.
Has anyone had a success story where your partner recovered and got free from the addiction and now you are glad you stayed with him?
r/loveafterporn • u/throwaway1862672 • 18h ago
Want to start by mentioning that I just figured out today what “D-Day” stood for. So now I want to talk about it, as I’ve never gotten it off my chest.
For me that was 3 years ago. A notification popped up on his phone that some girl had posted a new tiktok, immediately I was intrigued… he was asleep, I looked through his phone, I knew it was wrong and i immediately wished I hadn’t.
At this time he was still living with his parents and I with my mother, so I got up and left that house right away, sobbing at 6am, feeling empty and numb.
We were building a house together, it was in the final stages at this point… too late to back out now.
I made the decision to come clean about looking at his phone, at the time of this it was mostly about the women he followed on TikTok… as we weren’t living together yet, the porn didn’t really hit me hard.
Then we moved in together and the frequent sex vanished, pretty much immediately….
Ref- 7 years together, 32F & 29M (he has Asperger’s, please let me know if I’m not allowed use this term anymore, but it was his official diagnosis, at 13. I only mention this as his communication style and a lot of other things are different to mine, not justifying it but to add context to my struggles on the porn subject) He told me 6 months in and I tried to learn a lot so I could be supportive and understand it/how it affects him.
Now…
I’ve tried to have this conversation, both verbally and written letter with him at least 15 times now over the last 3 years about his porn use and the effect it has on me and the impact it makes on our relationship. No matter how gently I approach it or how carefully I choose my words, it makes no difference. We still don’t have sex, and whilst it’s not even about the sex now, it’s more about feeling undesired.
I feel like screaming into the void that he just can’t seem to pause and understand where I’m coming from, that I’m not trying to attack him, but heal our relationship. I can’t do it alone though or without him taking accountability for the role his actions play in the hurt. I feel so incredibly disconnected from him. I wish I could talk to someone in real life but even if I could afford a therapist I’d be too embarrassed to bring this up.
edited to: add why I mentioned the Asperger’s and to change vocally to verbally
r/loveafterporn • u/SAHM1994 • 21h ago
I want to seperate (but live together to raise the kids) from my husband. I grew up seeing way too much regarding my father's porn addiction and how it hurt my mom, even at an age when I shouldn't (and really didn't) understand it fully.
I told my husband upfront that this was an entire deal breaker for me. I consider porn cheating. I cannot have it in my relationship. He never told me he had the same issue. He waited until we were planning an engagement and I found it on my own on his phone (not looking for it at all). He has had constant slipups now. It has been 11 years. He sees a counselor but not consistently. He blames me and my period or whatever else.
And the biggest issue is, there is NO accountability. It's always a "Google says 80% of men do it" "It's not cheating" "Divorce courts will not see it as cheating" "I have tried my very hardest and no other man would put in that much for you" and the ever so famous "I didn't do this to you. This is from your childhood wound."
Can someone please just tell me if I am not seeing this clearly? We agreed before that in our marriage porn was not allowed. We agreed God sees it as wrong. But now, 11 years later, it's still "your standards are too high" He takes this as not me having grace for him. I take it as him not caring for me or our marriage enough for this to go on so long. I feel I have had 11 years of grace. And I will continue to forgive and pray for him and co-parent under the same roof, but i cannot be close and intimate with someone who abuses me like this.
r/loveafterporn • u/Sadpurplefrog77 • 1d ago
Hi all
Im looking for some advice on how to “get over” my triggers if that’s even possible. I suffer from OCD so I often “lose control” of my thoughts and get intrusive thoughts as well.
I cannot watch any movies or tv shows that have nudity in it, which is starting to become extremely embarrassing within my relationship (NON PA) partner and friends. I’m so damaged by previous relationships and their porn addictions that this is just engraved in me.
I have tried to watch shows and movies with this as it’s basically any movie that comes out these days but I end up spiralling and withdrawing from everyone around me. I feel insane and so alone, my partner understands and we won’t watch any movies that have it but if there’s a movie he wants to watch that has it. He does it when i’m not there, which just feels so unfair to him.
I hate that he’s paying for the mistakes of others and i don’t know what to do. Any advice would be great.
r/loveafterporn • u/Mysterious_Fuel3618 • 1d ago
So, I just thought I’d see if anyone else is in the same boat. D day was 9ish months ago. I’m done with the marriage but still want all of the evidence of his nonsense as possible so that when he’s gone, and I have moments of — was it really THAT bad —I can be confident in my decision. The disclosures truly don’t hurt anymore. I expect them. In fact I’m morbidly curious at this point. So, I demanded bank and cc statements. I’m sure there are more accounts, but I demanded 3 of them for approx 4.5 years. I ran them through Claude AI to tabulate, and found he spent over $50k on sexting, porn, cash apps to random people, etc. It’s madness. Anyone else in the same boat money wise ? Would love to hear some war stories. And no, I had no idea. We have separate bank accounts which I had always preferred. Anytime I asked why he never seemed to have money I got accused of emasculating him 🤷🏼♀️