I just wanted to share some of my progress in a separate post from the monthly report, and hope that others can share their experiences with this part of tremoring as well.
I have had facial tremors in the form of gross expressions, headaches, sensations and fasciculations (surface twitches) for some time, and I feel like they come with the hardest emotions, because they are the emotions we mask in order to feel acceptable in our family system (and therefore the rest of society, and which some people may describe as "the shadow"). They are the emotions we are terrified to feel, because they convince us that we're bad people for having these thoughts, and that we were bad all along. Whenever I have major facial (not fascial, lol) "work" happening, I feel rage, shame, jealousy, disgust, fear of rejection, contempt, guilt, and sometimes even longing. These cycles make co-regulating extremely difficult for me as I'm apt to find everything and everyone irritating, unsatisfying, and hard to relate to.
My parents were emotionally neglectful yet demanding of a certain kind of performance, activities and behavior. I have had memories come up of "soothing" and yet if I really look at the soothing, it still came tied with an expectation of performance, and that if I didn't perform I believed the comfort would end. I've been told by attachment experts that this is a form of role-reversal, and so I have a sense that a lot of this is even more difficult for those of us who had this kind of experience, because we have been conditioned to caretake for those around us without receiving enough - or any - emotional care in return. So my present day experience with these releases is that I'm just really fucking sick of anyone and everyone, and resent the impulse or feeling of having to do any kind of empathy or caretaking, and especially resent explicit messages about being tolerant or kind because I don't feel like I've been shown the same in return. (Which then brings up a sense of fear that I hate certain groups of people, when I'm pretty sure it's just the messaging/impulse that is triggering, and not the people themselves. So if you are experiencing a similar fear, I want to assure you that it may not be what you expect and not to draw conclusions about yourself until the processing has completed.)
The silver lining of this is that I know nobody across from me in the present deserves what I'm feeling about them, and I will be much better off processing and releasing this kind of repressed jealous contempt and rage for having to be my parent's parent and not having had a loving and blissful childhood of my own. I know my pattern as an adult was also to compulsively caretake even when I knew I would not be getting my needs met in return, and I would love to send that shit back to the kitchen.
And to all of you reading this, you are not bad. You are not your emotions and you are not your thoughts. You were simply never taught to allow, express, and feel like you were lovable even though you have these emotions. It is only when we keep them in the darkness that we keep on unconsciously reacting from these parts.
ETA: For some tips, I've been working on it like thoughts in meditation: not me, not mine; or that is a thought but I don't have to identify with it even as my body screams that it is relevant and happening right now; or sometimes even just fully feeling the emotion without resisting or judging the thought. Like I'll just fully allow myself to feel the horrible things that want to come up about someone and they usually just... get quieter after that. Thinking of it as an inner child or child part/memory helps too, like, what could have happened to me in childhood that would make child-me feel this way? And acknowledging that child-me is telling me all about it right now, and I listen and accept but don't let them drive the car. When things get really spicy I go back to basic grounding and regulation until the feelings become more coherent to work with.