I feel like I post here too much asking for advice but I don’t know what else to do so please bear with me :(
I’m leaving for my mission in 4 weeks. I’ve had a different preparation experience when submitting my papers in, I had to do mental health assessments from the church and I had to wait a longer amount of time for my call. And that took about 9 weeks to complete. And when I got my call my parents were disappointed. Mostly my dad.
I got called stateside and my parents really wanted me to go foreign, especially serve in the Philippines, just like my older brother did. My dad served there, my brother, so my dad really wanted me to as well. And it’s difficult pressure because he knows that we can’t choose where we are assigned. So when I got my call, he wasn’t happy, he wasn’t excited, after everyone left during my mission call opening gathering, he asked me “why not Asia”?
I knew before getting my call that I won’t be serving foreign because I need medication on my mission. And I told them that and told them to not expect me to go foreign. And they insisted that I will. They kept saying “I know you’ll serve in the Philippines that’s why it’s taking longer than usual”
So now that it’s getting closer to me reporting to the mtc. My mom started questioning me, she’s been doubting me and saying “what if you can’t handle the mission?” “You’ll struggle there because you have mental problems” “if that’s the case you should just not go”
In response I told her, if I couldn’t do it, then Heavenly Father wouldn’t have assigned me to that mission, he wouldn’t have called me on a mission. And that was able to make her stop questioning me
A couple weeks ago my dad pulled me aside and told me to be respectful to people on my mission, to not be mean, to not talk back. I was confused because I’m a nice person? And even my mom was backing me up and telling my dad that I am a nice person
Last night, I was showing my parents what options of slacks I’ll be packing. Their initial response was to hate again per usual, they said that it’s too big on the waist, it won’t fit me, and I’m short so I’m planning to tailor my pants, and I told them that I’m getting my pants tailored and so I was showing them what the pants would look like if I did tailor them
And my dad was telling me to fold the pants so I know how much to cut off. I told him i already knew how much so I don’t have to, and the material won’t hold its shape if I do fold it so there’s no point. And I told him that very calmly for 3 times. He kept talking over me, and I got overwhelmed because he started raising his voice at me and I backed up and firmly told him to stop do not yell at me, I didn’t do anything wrong
And that exploded everything. It upset him so much. He went into his room and he was talking my my mom, I over heard them talking about me, he was saying that I have behavioral issues, that I’ll treat my companions horribly, that I won’t be a good missionary, I have no respect, that they’ll cancel their flight to the mtc and send me off alone.
And hearing that broke me, I was already starting to feel insecure because of what my mom was questioning me about weeks prior. And that conversation I had with my dad as well. I started to believe that the things they’re saying about me
I’ve always had a rough relationship with my dad growing up, we can never get along so it’s either we don’t talk and if we do it’s him yelling at me and I stand up for myself when he’s yelling because I can’t tolerate his behavior anymore because we’re both adults now. We can talk our feelings out instead of yelling and blaming and hating each other.
Tonight I apologized to him very sincerely, and the first thing he does it mock my apology. And that made me be even more defensive and I was telling him that I am sorry and that he shouldn’t have yelled at me because I wasn’t doing anything wrong and he was saying that I don’t listen, whatever whatever. It ended up being what our convos sounded like even if I apologize.
I don’t have my own room at home ever since moving back from college so I’ve been sleeping in the living room. I decided not to sleep at home tonight so that I can rest better. Because my parents are the type of people that will wake you up just to yell at me. They are the type of parents that always insist that they are correct and that their way of life is correct. They are very controlling and if we don’t do what they want, it’s wraps for us.
It’s difficult when your own parents are your biggest haters in your life. The church talks about love at home and how family is supposed to be supportive and filled with love and that it’s supposed to be our safe space. But it’s not. I feel suffocated. My siblings as well. The eldest is married has his own kid and he’s moved out the house, and yet my parents try to control him and how he lives his life and my parents are very judgmental and unsupportive of what we want to do in our life.
I want to serve a mission, I’m not doing this to prove anything to them, I’m not going on a mission in hopes that they’ll miraculously change the way they treat their children. I’m going because I truly love god. I’ve had the biggest desire to serve, and I’ve waiting and gone through so much preparation and different treatments and waiting periods and now that I’m close to leaving on my mission, but my parents are the biggest blockages in my life right now.
I don’t want to spend the last 4 weeks trying to fix them, or being stressed out that no matter what I do they will never cease. I know there’s many people out there who support me, and are genuinely proud of me.
How do I navigate this? How can I continue living under their roof if they’re constantly sucking the literally life out of me. How can I block out their rude remarks about me? How can I do this the way Jesus would? What can I do so that i don’t start my mission off with stress and anxiety from my toxic environment at home?
TLDR: toxic parents with doubts about ability of child going on a mission. Toxic house hold, suffocating parents. How to navigate this?
Much love to all of you thank you