Dating has made me more miserable, as an introvert

[u/SoybeanCola1933]

The best experience for me is sitting alone, in a cafe occupied with my own thoughts. This is bliss and I can do it for hours on end.

As a guy my life has been work, gym, my small group of friends, and solitary activities -reading, painting and writing.

This is not good for dating and meeting people.

So, I internalised this idea that my existing lifestyle was insufficient and unattractive and I need to “put myself out there”, become more sociable and bubbly. I attended social events, hobby groups, and tried to become more talkative with everyone.

This was extremely self defeating and made me more miserable.

I forced myself to become someone I’m not, and adopt a lifestyle that in all honesty did not make me comfortable. I did this for approx 2 years.

I have now gone back to my usual introverted lifestyle, and have given up on changing who I am.

This will indefinitely keep me single, but the trade off is peace, solitude and bliss.

At the same time, being single when everyone around you is partnered can get sad.

Anyone else in the same boat? How did you navigate introversion and contentment with solitude and finding your partner?

[u/Initiative_N7]

Let me say this. It's because you (your brain, because it want's to believe the perceptions and) assume and believe that the partnered up couples are happy and satisfied, because this is what they project to others in social situations. Behind closed doors, who knows what happens.

Reading the relationship subreddits and the Deadbedrooms subreddit, you soon realise that the potential risks in relationships are real and that managing a relationship can be (especially if you get with the wrong partner) a fulltime job itself, especially for an introverted guy.

[u/GirlPearlEarring]

I heartily agree with Initiative_N7 that you have to be very very careful of seeking to change your relationship status. Please take a moment to consider that you have something that is actually incredibly rare: you are able to spend looooong periods of time with just yourself for company.

I am also one of these people. And I am also seriously introverted, like "off the scales" introverted on all tests. Please do not try to change who you are; your misery will increase the harder you try.

But more than that, please understand that most people seek "repair" or fulfillment from their partner of something that is missing from their life that they desperately want and cannot get no matter how often they are told that they are X. Would you prefer to spend your life with someone unsuitable who sucks the joy out of everything because they need need need so much validation/interaction/stimulation.

Just be careful - a relationship with the right person, even if platonic, can be a joy - but a relationship with the wrong person is hell on earth.

There's a saying:

To be alone, without someone to love, is a waste of the body. To be NOT alone, without someone to love, is a waste of the soul.

Focus on finding friends, something may develop from a casual friendship.

[u/elmariachi821]

I'm in exactly the same position. I was always introverted as a child with similar interests. Made a choice to 'get out of my shell' in my late teens/ early 20’s. Now 44 and a few failed relationships, seriously thinking about what I really want to do moving forward.

[u/incarnate1]

So why date then? If you get into a relationship, you will likely have less time to sit in a cafe alone for hours, which is purportedly your best experience.

I think you need to figure out what you really want? Not necessarily only from comparison with people around you.

Introversion does not prescribe solitude or a complete lack in social and relational desire, it is not your identity. I also would not conflate your experience dating with dating as a concept; it can certainly be a fun an positive experience.