detaching and doing better

[u/OverProfessional1226]

im starting to do better in life again. im detaching from everyone who isnt a day 1.

i keep dreaming about the love i lost now that my mind is more free

it sucks a lot but I'm getting over it

im beginning to feel happy in the fact that im studying for 8+ hours everyday without body doubling, focus timers, etc. I'm pretty much self motivating from getting the right answers now. it's amazing.

I've always managed to scrape by with exams and pull 90% but now I feel like I can get 99% and even study ahead for the next exam (I'm not in school or university, I'm preparing for an entrance exam but i meant it figuratively)

it's not disheartening anymore that im alone again, because im doing my best now for my health and myself, the way I needed to

i shouted at my dad and called out his double standards and his unreasonable treatment of me. i don't know how i managed to accumulate the vast knowledge i have in various fields despite being basically neglected and having to figure out life all on my own while my brother has support and structure.

ive been asking my dad for a year now to use one software and coordinate things he wants me to do over there.

he asked me how to use the tables.

mind you, he worked in multinational companies and governments, managing DATABASES. he works with tables everyday. it's his job.

I've been checked out ever since, autopiloting through life. I couldn't give any less of a shit.

i just realised the point of the year why my autopiloting started and when I started fucking up everything even harder.

my mind gets hit with floods of memories and promises and plans i wanted and now I'm empty inside.

i also realised that ive never had someone break up with me before. I've always been the one breaking up with people. so it feels extremely weird knowing that I became like some of the people I've broken up with and feel their pain. but it was over text. and i think that made it worse. i don't think I've ever done it over text except one time where there was some weird shit going on in my life and it was mutual.

there was this one ex who reached out to me last year in order to apologise. I've talked to her like 3 times since then but I realise that I don't want her in my life. i also don't want to be direct about not wanting her in my life because its not like there's actually anything to lose. but I know that I don't want her to be able to reach me. i broke up with her and we remained friends for 2 years until I found out about some unforgivable stuff that she did. when she apologised last year, I was already in that autopilot state. i never got the chance to explain that to my then girlfriend, now ex. and it kinda bums me out because what the hell was i thinking?? and then it bums me out even more because I wasn't even thinking at all???? ah whatever

idk, I'm just taking back control of my life after dealing with the shit my family put me through.

i deactivated and deleted most social media and ill start purging people who have no interest in my life

i want people of value in my life

i want to be seen, and i know now that people weren't willing to see me through my pain. i have started to gracefully detach from them. i enjoy small moments of calm again. there was this video which told me to try to predict my next thought. it works so well for clearing up my head that I'm basically addicted to doing it. there's also this habit of violently shaking my hands. that feels so good too. better than trembling as stress relief.

i don't watch pornography anymore either. or masturbate. i think it was a compulsive coping mechanism for the last few years. i feel good about stopping.

that's it for now, in still improving.

i love life.