Hey yall, I’m gonna start by saying possible trigger warning. Bottom dysphoria talk, possible internalized transphobia, Chasers

I’m sorry if I tagged post wrong! Or if anything is not allowed.

Anyhow, I’ve made posts before but I just am having a rough night… more so month… but I am 20, stealth, and to start I haven’t had the best sexual encounters and have not many good experiences when it comes to dating. Like I know im young and have time but there is still this fear that I won’t find anyone because I feel so undesirable as a man ‘cause of my lack of a penis. Like I it always seems to be the reason as to why relationships never progress pass friendships.

Then on the other side being chasers. There is this part of me that feels like the only intimacy Will be from them, I just feel like a sex object to them though and I don’t like feeling that way. Don’t feel like they’d ever like me if I actually had a functional penis. Them also not understanding when I say I don’t like using the front hole.

It’s already hard enough dating as a gay man but then throw in the trans thing and it makes it all the more difficult. It doesn’t help that I prefer cis men, so I feel like a hypocrite.

I just feel so hopeless that I’ll find my person who can love me for me and look beyond what’s in my pants.

I feel so undesirable, unattractive, and just like a failure of a man ‘cause of certain body characteristics I have that I can’t do anything about. Like i know people say you should work on yourself before dating, but you can’t magically make dysphoria go away, i can’t wake up one morning and have a penis.

And bottom surgery (meta) is out of the picture for a while ‘cause my insurance won’t cover it and I don’t have the money laying around.

I just want to be loved… I just want to find my adventure partner… I just want to have a life with someone who makes life all the better.

I’m sorry if this is too much.

I am a trans dude who has had top surgery and have been on T for like 4 years before going off it in like 2024. I pass and I have two partners (who were dating/engaged before starting to date me) who are both cis.

With one, I was the first trans guy he's been with. He really has taken a lot of time to get to know what I like and me for him and the sex is great and accommodating to my EDS and stuff. He and I have gotten very romantic over 1 year of dating and 1 year of being friends. He knows how to take care of me during pmdd episodes and bad endometriosis flare ups. I love him taking me out to do things he likes so I can enjoy things with him and visa versa.

However, my other partner has been with a lot of trans guys. He's even told me he prefers trans men. He is a lot slower with romantic feelings even after knowing each other for a whole year before we've been now dating for a full year (2 years total). He keeps telling me to tell him how I want a partner to show up and then when I told him, he said I was too fragile and he can't show up for me in affection or pet names like honey or sweetie or when I'm dealing with a pmdd episode, take me out on a date, check in on me, etc because he needs longer to feel those things for me. But sex is still on the table for him. (It's okay it was really great but then after a while it feels like its more for him enjoying pussy than enjoying pleasing me). I accepted his pace and have slowed down and stopped calling him honey, and lowered my expectations (more than once) and am working on being more emotionally vulnerable with him so that our bond can grow.

I personally think of sex as a really intimate energy exchange and the intimacy outside the bedroom matters to me to be able to submit and enjoy intimacy inside the bedroom. I'm demi my partners aren't. And it feels like why would I want sex with someone who won't even let me call them honey or wants to show me affection unless I initiate but he still needs to be the one in control? I feel like I'm being used for sex. But in reality I feel like I view sex as too important and too intimate like in a feminine way but he views sex very casually like every gay man.

I think I just need to detach myself from that need for emotional connection and intimacy to be able to have sex with him because I feel like I won't be able to have physical closeness with him otherwise but it feels so wrong. I don't want to lose him but it hurts to be told I'm too fragile to show up for but not too fragile to use my body.

I'm happily stealth at work, and not looking for advice with this question, just curious how other guys who are stealth approach the topic of questions like "how did you know you were gay?". I'm out and proud about being gay and I honestly do like talking about it just because I'm so happy to be a gay man. I'm also on the more masculine side of presentation and voice so usually people don't guess that I'm gay if I don't explicitly tell them I am. For me, I feel like being ftm doesn't particularly change how I talk about things. I still use the example of the first time I found another boy attractive in kindergarten, I usually say I just always knew I was gay, never had crushes on girls growing up, etc. I say I came out at 13 to my family, which is true to an extent but tbh I don't think I've ever really formally come out to my family as gay. They know I'm gay (I think? Maybe my extended family doesn't actually lol) but really I came out as ftm at that time. Still, I feel the basic details are similar enough that it doesn't particularly matter.

about 6 months ago i had my second hookup ever and ended up infected with genital hsv-2 (yay, herpes!). the hookup was t4t. don’t let anyone tell you t4t is the answer to all of your sex life problems.

i feel like my life is over. i wasn’t dating before, but going out for a hookup was my attempt to step back into that world after 6 years being single after an LDR that started online. i didn’t really know how to date before this happened, and now i have this awful shame, a virus that would stop most people from dating me.

i already feel so horrible about my body, my face, my personality, my shitty job, and my lack of social skills. i feel so hideous and unloveable and now i feel diseased as well.

what am i supposed to do? just give up and resign myself to being alone forever? start telling people i only top and use a prosthetic (even though i much prefer bottoming)?

i don’t even know where to start. i’m in therapy, i have hobbies, i’m on medication. but i just can’t talk to new people, and i feel so horrible about myself. i know i probably just need to get over myself and try, but i don’t know the first thing to do. going on dating apps and not telling people right away that i have hsv feels like i’m lying and leading them on.

how do i become less terrible and sad? how do i change my brain? how do i start dating? or am i just totally fucked? god, i am so sad.

edit: i know people are gonna say that it sounds like my self esteem issue existed before HSV, and it did. but i have no idea how to change my attitude, or if it’s even possible. that’s where i’m stuck. i think i should just give up but the idea of being alone forever makes me so deeply sad.

I’m polyamorous in a poly relationship with an amazing nesting partner who I love very much. He recently came out to me as asexual and said that sex is not something that they can give in the relationship. I was/am completely understanding of and fine with this! I love him for who he is and with us being poly, I can find sex with someone outside our relationship-which is exactly what I have been doing lately.

I’ve made a couple FWBS recently and it’s been fun hooking up with them. But after hooking up with a certain FWB (who I’ll call C) I realized how much I enjoyed the sex in combination with the post-sex cuddling and pillow talk. It added a lot to the enjoyment of the sex overall for me. I’ve never slept with someone who I felt emotionally connected to before C; I experienced a level of sexual intimacy I never have before with him. It was honestly really nice. I genuinely like C as a person and connect with him, which made me realize I want a sexual relationship with a romantic partner. I initially asked him out after we hooked up for the first time, but he wasn’t interested in anything deeper than what we already have going on. I was disappointed by it at first, but I’ve moved on and am good with just being friends with him!

I’ve been looking for a romantic/sexual connection and it’s been hard finding someone-most guys I’ve encountered on dating apps just want me for sex or end up not being interested in me romantically. I was supposed to go out with a guy today who I’d really been connecting with both emotionally and sexually, but he canceled as I was getting ready to head out and said he wasn’t looking for a relationship right now. I respect his decision and feelings! But I do feel really disappointed and just discouraged when it comes to dating lately. I feel so loved by my nesting partner in a way I never have anyone else. I would never leave over him being ace or make him do things he doesn’t want to do! But it is hard sometimes not being able to be sexually intimate with someone I love. I just want partner who can love me as well as-as cheesy as it sounds-make love TO me.

I’m not really sure what I want out of making this post, I’m honestly just feeling really down and needed to vent a bit.

i'm a man without the one thing that should make me a man in the vast majority of human eyes including that of my own.

i can't possibly be desirable to any man or woman, and i can't expect myself to be, because i also like dick. so i feel like a hypocrite.

i don't need advice, i know that's not what makes me a man, yada yada, im just down in the dumps bar it for some reason today.

I’ve been in an exclusive relationship with this cis guy for a minute now and we had sex with each other for the first time this past weekend. He was so sweet and required absolutely zero prompting when it came to using neutral language to refer to my pre-op chest and junk. He called me a beefcake and admired my hrt-aided body hair 👍🏿. It was overall very hot and fun I didn’t feel self conscious about my body or skeeved out by the way I was being touched during (!!) (the bare minimum, I know, but still!!)

During, I discovered he is in fact an eater 🙌🏿 but maybe has more enthusiasm than experience with giving head/eating box lol. At times I did feel like I was playing battleship but my genitals were the little plastic boats and game-board. He doesn’t mind being told what to do in bed (maybe even enjoys it?) but I don’t know how to describe what I need without it being a mood killer lol. We’re both pretty young and sexually inexperienced which I’m sure isn’t helping things. Maybe I don’t know how to be sexy during sex. Is there reading material? A wikihow article? Can I guide him bodily, like a sexual Ratatouille or something?

TL:DR, How do I effectively harness his eagerness to please and tell him what to do with my tdick and hole without killing the vibe?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

I was going to let my crush fizzle since I had a lot going on at the beginning of the semester, but things got better and I figured I wanted to date him, so I tried to get closer to build a genuine connection and stuff.

He always talks to me so kindly and sweetly, he's funny, he's cute, he gives great hugs, and he's just so.. perfect.

I, unfortunately, took too long and was too scared to approach him, because I didn't want to ruin our friendship in case he didn't feel the same.

It's my fault, I'm not upset with him or his new partner, I genuinely wish them the best but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous and upset.

He saw me as a guy, no questions, he never made me doubt myself, there's a way he hugs and handles me that's just so delicate but idk. He's kinda touchy (not sexually) with all of his friends, so, I'm not all that special in that regard.

I'll be happy to stay his friend, I just wanted to get this off of my chest in hopes it helps kill the crush quicker so I can be normal around him. He's a wonderful friend.

ive developed some attachment to my casual partner. we have fun banter, used to hang out for like 8h+, watch shows together, talk about family, life, etc. But lately hes been distant. I know he has exam prep rn and hes looking for accessibility over anything at the moment. A few days ago, I messaged him on grindr, basically begging to meet up lol.

he said :
‘hahaha im saying its not worth it for us

live in cbd and we can fuck everyday

its also like 2h of uber for u

im sure ull be fine with solving ur issue on grindr :P ur so addicted ‘

maybe im overthinking things but i just feel like he doesnt wanna see me anymore and maybe the distance is just a polite excuse… my uber to his place is usually like 45mins. he does always pay for my ride back home. its like almost $50.

maybe im just jealous too because ik hes sleeping with other guys. and whats worse is that hes leaving after his exams to go in a vacation for like 2-3 months…. i feel like we’re drifting apart. i miss him.

honestly he has a lot of red and pink flags. but maybe its because im so socially isolated, the banter and the friendship we had, i really miss it. but i guess even if he was my friend, im not his. i was always aware of that.

i just miss what we had. i wish there was smthn i could do to draw him back to me.

or maybe it really is just exam season and the stress… maybe once thats over, once his vacation is over… we could get back to what we once were? it feels too far away.

I keep matching and going out with guys, and then either it goes nowhere after 1 date, or I disclose it after the first date, and then they’re not interested anymore. Many of them have been respectful but it’s still frustrating. Does anyone have any tips on this? I really don’t know what to do anymore

I ask because I had to get the morning after pill today because a condom broke (I'm on T but would rather be safe than sorry), and I've booked an appointment for a copper IUD. Was wondering what you guys use too?

I already posted this on another sub dedicated to gay men in general, but i think it's better to ask it here since im a trans fude! I know this question might come often and that it can sound super weird at the same time, but I heard that taking it in the backend takes time and training. Since I like the idea of it, I wanted to know if there are efficient ways to train for it and enjoy it as a trans guy?

Thanks for reading, and I'm looking forward to reading you if you have any advice or experience to share, and have a nice day!

Howdy, I’ll start by saying possible Trigger warning, I’ll try to keep it as minimal as possible.

So I’m 20, living in a rural town in one of the most conservative states especially when it comes to trans folk. Haven’t had a lot of friends nor do I have a lot of opportunities for friends or more.

I’ve been struggling a lot this year with learning adulting and trying to find my place in the world, but loneliness has pretty much made me miserable, I’ve focus on my self quite a bit and am hoping to find more people, friends and hopefully more but, rural town.

I hate how much I crave the sex and intimacy, even just physical touch ‘cause it’s hard wanting something that you can’t seem to find. I’m too afraid to go through with hookups on Grindr or sniffies ‘cause of past experiences and just feeling a certain way.

I hate how I can’t be able to top someone without a prosthetic, I hate how I can’t just get a normal blowjob, I hate how I can’t just be able to have sex. I hate how I have to worry about disappointing people or worry about chasers.

I hate how much I want to be loved… how much I want to be able to share some of my baking experiments with, sit under the stars next to a fire and listen to country music.

Then there’s this part of me, that blames myself for all this. I could have this, maybe I’m too picky. Maybe I’m too afraid to show the guys who I’m interested in, the part of me that I am unfortunately ashamed in, out of fear of rejection. What if I chose the wrong guy?

And honorable mention, I hate how I can’t stand to pee.

I know this is a lot, and I’m sorry if any is not allowed. I just have no one to vent to this about that would understand.

this might be a me issue bc of where i live but i swear to god cis men are not worth a single damn lol. i have the several misfortunes of not only being transgender in southeastern europe, but also mixed race. we have a very homogenous white populace with poor tourism, so many people here have never seen a black person in the flesh.

i would get blocked a lot on my first foray into the apps last year, and i found out people thought i was catfishing because i'm not white. i'm now fresh out of a breakup (long distance so i have a serious sex deficit) and trying to reboundddd, but even the guys who actually agree to meet up with me keep bitching out last minuteee. it's driving me crazy. yes i'm real, yes i'm in your city, yes i'm trying to HIT!

i used to play it super safe bc i was paranoid and wanted to stay stealth. no face on my profile but i would swap pics, and i would disclose i was trans if the guy sounded nice. didn't work. i have since accepted that being stealth is not an option for me. face pics on my profile, ftm in my bio, trans in my tribes. prognosis is still grim. i also don't send nudes that probably doesn't help LMAO

i've only managed to meet up with one guy (who i was introduced to by a friend. lmao. not even on my own merit) which was great!!! he's not even a local. and i'm also pretty sure he does not fw me that much lmao

if i was just black or just trans, i feel like i would have a better shot, but being both at the same time is quite literally like being a unicorn in this bum ass city. if the guy is chill and wants to meet up, he just never actually shows up. if he's kind of chasery and talks super fucking excited to meet me, he ghosts me. if he sounds nice and normal, he "can't today". can a man fucking commit or what

Hi, I’m a bi-romantic guy who has never kissed a guy before. I’m pretty interested in it. Any tips on how I go about finding someone to make out with? I’m thinking about going to a gay club and seeing what happens, but not sure that’s safe for the following:

If I meet someone should I disclose that I’m trans?

How do I ensure safety (don’t want to get oral STIs if the guy, let’s say gives head to others) ?

They're just too fucking depressing.

I'm middle aged, mostly stealth for many years, and also effectively celibate for most of my life. I finally got phallo in 2019 and implants in early 2020 and hoped to start trying to find a partner after that, but then the pandemic happened and shit got delayed.

A while ago I set up some dating apps, stealth on my profile, and would chat with guys for a bit before disclosing. I absolutely do not want to disclose directly on my profile, because I am extremely uncomfortable with the prospect of potential partners seeking me out specifically because I am trans. I need to know that they found me attractive before they knew this particular humiliating aspect of my medical history.

I got on average maybe 5 or 6 likes a week at the time, and a pretty reasonable response rate when I matched with guys and messaged them. I went on a few dates but nothing went anywhere.

At my therapist's urging, a few months ago I reluctantly added a note on Hinge saying I'm a trans man. This note only pops up after someone has clicked "like", giving them a chance to reconsider before confirming. The note says "I am a trans man. I transitioned a long time ago. I am anatomically male." I know this is awkward, but I am intensely uncomfortable with the widespread public perception that "Trans man = man with vagina", but I didn't want to just bluntly say "BTW yes I have a dick".

And just like that, my rate of likes dropped from 5 or 6 a week to zero. For months. For a while I kept going through and liking other guys, but no matches, absolutely nothing.

I uninstalled Hinge, and all my other dating apps, yesterday. It's just too fucking depressing.

I was at the pub, and there was a drunken guy I met two weeks ago (but I couldn’t remember). I just presented myself because his face looked familiar but I couldn’t remember his name.
Then I sit at a table with two friends and he was standing in front of me; he looked at me, then at his friends at another table, and said: “what’s the name of that cream for anal sex?”. I immediately felt called out and I got angry inside, but outside I wanted to ignore him as much as possible.
Then, he said: “you know, I like beautiful things”, and I kept ignoring him.
Then he sit at my table and he noticed my 12 mm lobe jewelry, and he asked me if I had the other side pierced as well, and if that meant that I “swing both ways”. I laughed a bitter short laugh and I looked for an excuse to remove myself from the situation.

The thing is, now I think that ignoring him convinced him more of his provocations, and maybe I should have replied on the same level immediately, like: “what’s the name of that cream you use for anal?”; “Luan, I know because I always buy it to fuck your mother”.

But I know myself too well, and unfortunately I find the right answer years after the fact AHAHAH

So, the question is: in order to be left in peace, should I answer in a “stereotypical alpha male” way, or ignoring is better?
I am passing as male almost always, but I don’t care to pass as completely “unqueer”.

TLDR: Drunken stupid guy provoked me and I ignored him; does this out me as queer? What is the best reaction to provocation?

I met a guy on a dating up and now we’re going out tomorrow. He’s gay that I know of. I don’t think I pass even in pictures, like I think it’s pretty obvious that i’m trans. to the point where a straight guy liked my profile today (ew). But I didn’t make sure to tell him and only added the trans part to my profile later and now i’m freaking out. should i ask him if he’s realized and if so HOW?? please help

EDIT: thank you everyone for your support!! i told him and he reacted very well <333

I've been on T for about 3 and half years now, and on grindr for about the same length of time. I've got sensory issues so even though I've been able to grow a beard for a while, I shaved every day and all my profile pics were clean shaven. Always got a ton of messages on grindr, with a bunch of them being your average chaser cis guy.

Recently, I decided to be brave and try growing out my facial hair and now I'm rocking a pretty sweet beard. I updated my pics accordingly and the amount of messages from chaser dudes has decreased significantly lol.

I'm not disappointed about the decrease in overall messages since the guys that are reaching out are way more into me and the hookups have been much better too. Definitely happy with my new ChaserB'Gone beard.