Arrakeen budget cuts when the Coan-Teen has to sit on a armrest.

Scene: Somewhere outside Arakeen. Kynes watches an ornithopter land. Duncan Idaho gets out and approaches her.

Duncan: Will you tell the Great Houses of the Landsraad how we were betrayed? How the best of them were murdered?

Kynes: (shakes head) Nope.

Duncan: The Emperor sent us here to die!

Kynes: (nods) Yep.

Duncan: You knew?

Kynes: Everybody knew. You knew. The Duke knew. This whole thing was a trap.

Duncan: What could we have done different?

Kynes: You all could've stayed on Caladan, mate. Just get some officials to run everything here on Arrakis. That's what the Harkonnens did. What makes you guys so special that your Duke had to move his seat of power here?

Duncan: Well... we're different to the Harkonnens. More respectable.

Kynes: Yeah. You're more stupid.

Scene: Jessica and Paul are in their tent. Paul has a small coughing fit.

Paul: There's spice in the tent.

Jessica: Oh, and that is your excuse for not holding it in?

Paul: I'm just nervous mum.

(We begin to see Paul's visions)

(We see Chani in a long white dress beckoning Paul over to her)

Chani: Come on Paul mate, over here. Check this out!

(We look over the edge a sand dune, we see an AFL match between Fremen and Sardaukar)

Jessica: What are you doing?

Paul: I had a vision. People playing AFL.

Jessica: (unimpressed) A vision of people playing AFL. (Sarcastic) Well what else do you see oh great oracle?

Paul: Fanatical legions worshiping at the shine of dad's skull.

Jessica: (semi impressed) That's pretty good. You should tell dad that one.

Paul: A war in my name! Everyone shouting my name!

Jessica: (voice) PAUL. SHUT UP. GO TO SLEEP.

Scene: Desert. A hole opens up on the side of a dune and Paul and Jessica step out.

Jessica: Stillsuit water tastes awful.

Paul: Hey look what I caught!

(Paul has a dead kangaroo mouse in his hand)

Jessica: Stop killing things Paul.

(An ornithopter flies overhead and lands nearby)

(Duncan rushes out and as he falls at Paul's feet he gives him another punch in the groin)

Duncan: Paul, Lady Jessica. The Duke is dead.

Paul: Dad's dead? Noooo!

Jessica: (not exactly grief striken) Oh. Well. Yes. That's... awful.

Scene: Inside the ornithopter. Duncan is flying. Kynes is next to him. Paul and Jessica are in the back.

Kynes: Here. Drink this. (hands them a carton of chocolate milk each)

Jessica: Hmmm. I like Oak chocolate milk. Paul?

Paul: Do you have any Ice Coffee Dare?

Duncan: The Harkonnens attacked. I think everyone is dead. And there were Sardaukar too.

Paul: Did you get to fight any?

Duncan: Yeah mate. I kicked their fucking arse! (punches air, disrupting the ornithopter flight)

Paul: Awesome!

Jessica: Dr Kynes. Are you gonna tell the Landsraad what happened?

Kynes: (shakes head) Nup.

Paul: What is the Landsraad anyway? People keep talking about it.

Duncan: I think it is some sort of four wheel drive.

Jessica: I can't even spell it right.

Kynes: So, Lady Jessica, now that the Duke is dead, what are your plans?

Paul: We're gonna kill all the Harkonnens! Aren't we mum?

Jessica: (shrugs) Yeah maybe. But in the short term I've got to find another fella. Plus I got another kid on the way. Don't know if single blokes want to be with a girl that's got a kid.

Scene: Inside the ecological testing station. Jessica, Paul, Kynes and Duncan are walking around a sand filled library.

Jessica: This place needs a vacuum.

Paul: Dr Kynes. Do you know what the great houses fear most?

Kynes: No. What?

Paul: Exactly what has happened to us here.

(Kynes and Jessica look around the sandy, dirty library)

Kynes: They're afraid of sand filled libraries?

Jessica: I think he's trying to say something profound. Go ahead Paul.

Paul: Sardaukar coming and picking them off one by one. Only together can they stand a chance against the Imperium.

Kynes: So... Co-operation?

Paul: Yes.

Kynes: Like in Sesame Street?

Paul: Well no...

Kynes: Or Marx?

Paul: Um... who?

Kynes: (turns to Jessica) If Paul dies, will your unborn child inherit the Atreides dukedom?

Jessica: Yes.

Kynes: (looks back at Paul) Good.

Jessica: Paul, just fast forward to the end. What are you saying?

Paul: Well... um... I want to get married to Princess Irulan.

Jessica: Irulan? She doesn't have two brain cells to rub together.

Kynes: In that case they're made for each other.

Jessica: Why Irulan?

Paul: She's the Emperor's daughter. If we get married I could become the emperor.

Jessica: Yeah... technically. But...

Paul: But what?

Jessica: Get a concubine first. Get to see if you're ready for that sort of commitment.

Paul: How do I get one?

Jessica: Not how, but when. You're only 14 for crying out loud.

Obviously I am going to buy it now and call it my little maker.

I feel robbed.

Scene: Ornithopter, internal. Paul and Jessica are in the rear, three Harkonnens are with them, including the pilot.

Jessica: So where are we going?

Harkonnen leader: We're taking you to the desert.

Jessica: Oh, sounds like fun.

Paul: There's desert everywhere mum. The whole planet is desert.

Jessica: But it's good to get out of the city and into the outback don't you think?

Harkonnen Leader: You know I've never flown with a high born before.

Harkonnen Pilot: The lady Jessica is a Bene Gesserit. They're not high born.

Harkonnen Leader: Well (smiles at Jessica) she's high born enough for me.

Jessica: (smiles in return) Thank you!

Paul: What's the matter with him? (points to silent Harkonnen)

Harkonnen Leader: He can't hear. But we've employed him anyway, so he gets his disability pension as well as a wage.

Paul: That's a good policy.

Silent Harkonnen: Let's feed the kid to the worms and give her a long goodbye.

(pause)

Paul: WTF?

Harkonnen Leader: Yeah he says weird things now and then. We just ignore him.

Scene: The dining room inside the palace in Arrakeen. The Baron sits at one end eating, bald headed Harkonnen officials surround him, silent. Leto is at the other end of the long table, naked and paralyzed. Leto makes a few noises.

Baron: You have a wonderful kitchen, cousin!

(Leto painfully pulls himself up)

Leto: What are you eating?

Baron: I microwaved some chips and a barbeque chicken I found in the fridge. Tastes wonderful. Red Rooster?

Leto: No, it's actually from a local Arrakeen charcoal chicken place. I find they're better than Red Rooster.

Baron: Well fuck me, local takeaways of good quality!

Leto: Wait (looks at himself). Where did my clothes go?

Baron: (stops eating) What?

Leto: I haven't got any clothes on.

(The Baron looks at Leto, he is surprised)

Baron: He hasn't got any clothes on! Pete! Pete!

(Piter comes in through the door)

Piter: Yes my lord Baron?

Baron: Leto is sitting at the dinner table stark naked! What happened to his clothes?

Piter: Well that's how we found him.

Baron: The poor bloke needs something to wear. Someone get him one of my mumus from the laundry!

(A Harkonnen official leaves the room)

Baron: Honestly!

Piter: My lord baron...

Baron: I mean the poor bloke needs his dignity...

Piter: My lo...

Baron: And who has ever sat down naked at the dinner table? It's unhygienic.

Piter: My lord baron...

Baron: Oh yes. Sorry Pete. What?

Piter: Doctor Yueh is here.

Baron: The doctor? Bring him here.

(Piter brings Yueh into the room. He stands at the end of the table. The Baron rises in the air and floats over the table. The Baron's enormous frame makes Yueh looks small. He reaches Yueh, looking down at him threateningly. Yueh looks up at the Baron, defiant)

Baron: I need a script for Ozempic.

Yueh: Yeah I can do that. (opens a script book and begins writing)

Piter: Can't he get Wegovy?

Yueh: Ozempic is available on the PBS for people suffering from diabetes. Wegovy isn't.

Piter: It's the same thing, just a bigger dose.

Yueh: Yeah I know. It's just red tape. They'll fix it one day.

(Yueh hands Piter the script)

Yueh: And take this to reception (hands over a small piece of paper)

Piter: Thanks.

Baron: Take it to Chemist Warehouse... and get some jelly beans while you're at it.

Piter: Sure (leaves with script)

Baron: Now. Doctor Yueh. I expect you want to hear from your wife, Wanna.

Yueh: Yes. Yes I do.

Baron: Well look behind you.

(Behind Yueh is a bald Harkonnen serving sheila, wearing an opaque see through raincoat. Their eyes meet)

Wanna: (big smile) Hey Yu!

Yueh (surprised and happy) You were behind me all the time! I didn't recognise you in uniform!

Wanna: Yeah mate! (they hug and kiss)

Baron: (smiles) Oh this is lovely. Wanna has served us well for a few years now but she's handed in her resignation. She's yours again Yueh!

(Yueh and Wanna walk off happy. A Harkonnen official is trying to put a mumu on Leto)

Scene: The Ornithopter with Paul, Jessica and the three Harkonnens.

Jessica: (voice) GIVE ME THE KNIFE.

(The Harkonnen leader gives her the knife)

Jessica: (smiles) See?

Harkonnen Leader: (impressed) That's fucking amazing. You must use that voice all the time, especially with ugly here (motions towards Paul)

Jessica: The voice does give me an advantage. It's hard being a mum of a teenager these days.

Paul: (hurt) Mum... he just called me ugly.

Jessica: (dismissive) Oh harden the fuck up princess.

Harkonnen pilot: Okay we've got to drop you off here!

(The rear of the Ornithopter opens, Paul and Jessica walk out.)

Harkonnen leader: Hey don't forget this! It's a Fremkit! (throws it out after them) Bye!

Jessica: Bye bye! (waves)

(The ornithopter flies off, Jessica waving. Paul isn't)

Paul: Mum?

Jessica: Yeah mate?

Paul: (confused) The Harkonnens just attacked us. As we were flying over here, I saw piles of dead Atreides being burned up by Harkonnens with flamethrowers. Why were you so nice to them?

Jessica: I was nice to them because they were nice to us. Look, all this is politics...

Paul: What, the night-time invasion by the Harkonnens, assisted by the Emperor's Sardaukar, killing all of our troops and servants? Is that just politics?

Jessica: Oh Paul, you're still so young. When you get older you'll work it all out.

Paul: But mum...

Jessica: (voice) STOP ASKING ME. ITS ANNOYING.

Paul: Okay. Okay. Sheesh.

Scene: The dining room inside the palace in Arrakeen. Leto is wearing an enormous oversize mumu. The Baron is eating a dessert.

Baron: So. Big enough for you? (he laughs, as do other Harkonnens)

Leto: Yeah. I better get some clothes from my room.

Baron: You can't do that. We burned it all up with flamethrowers.

Leto: Ohh. (let down) So what are you eating for dessert?

Baron: Chocolate Bavarian.

Leto: Yeah we got them on sale at the IGA.

Baron: Well it tastes nice.

Leto: Hang on a second. there's something... up there. (he begins to reach up behind himself)

Baron: Really? Up your arse?

Leto: Yeah. Yueh did some rectal scan. Wait, what did he say again?

(Leto's memory. Yueh saying "take it out of your arse... take it out of your arse)

Leto: I have to take it out.

(Leto removes the suppository. A foul greeny-brown gas begins to erupt from his rear end. People start screaming.)