TW!!: I MENTION EATING DISORDERS AND SH. And sexual experiences + rape. don't read if that will trigger u please!!

Okay so I'm gonna vent abt my bullshit with dionysus. Y'all are probably gonna get mad Abt it. Idrc. Honestly I think it's pretty fucking terrible that y'all think that he can be nothing but good at all times but whatever lol I'm not gonna get into my issue with that. But be aware that I'm not gonna go out of my way to depict him in a good light. I'll speak truly on when he was kind but I'm not gonna lie he's an actual douchbag to me. Lol. Also this is prolly gonna be long asf I'm sorry lol. And I promise I'm not lying about anything and that I'm also not in psychosis!!

Anyways so like at eighteen I had a really bad urge to get into deity work so I like impulsively did it. (I had encountered who I believe to be dionysus as a child tho but honestly idk. Like I was fourteen who knows. But I channeled him then I believe but idk I quit all of that for years after it happened)

So I use a pendulum (oh nooo scary spooky were all gonna die! /J) anyways y'all can call me an idiot for this idc but I was like "ight who wanna work with me" ("hi! does any deity want to work with me? :)" I was polite at first I promise) okay so douchbag comes in and he's like "me!" And I'm like "ok who r u"... Apollo! Ok cool I do the thingy thing where you ask questions Abt the deity and see if it's talking clearly to you + if you're getting accurate answers. I do. So I move on. Anyways I'm really excited abt this so I lock in and I'm like "ok I'm gonna look u up and do research and I'm gonna buy you a candle." So I lock in and get him a candle. Anyways literally not even a week goes by literally I think it was honestly like three days lmao but im not sure bc this was two years ago. So I'm taking to him through the pendulum and he like- stops almost. And he's like bro make me a drawing. (I'm not an artist btw so I was like... Fawk idk Abt that but I say sure anyways) So I'm like ok sure like does it matter how I draw u. And istg I like feel dis mf smirk silly-ly (dykwim) "draw me drinking wine :D"... And I was like 🤨🤨. "Is this really Apollo??" "Noooo" is this dionysus? "Yes!". This was actually a really silly moment and I was really happy to have him lol. Like I genuinely miss this era of our relationship. And I'm like... Dang I'm sry I thought u was Apollo. (Honestly now I think that he said he was Apollo bc I knew absolutely nothing abt him so I just wouldn't be able to check who he was properly idk. Or he just wanted to be silly idk) And he was like "it's fine."

And this is like part of the era where he was like nice to me. But I also had an eating disorder and that would be the down fall of everything unfortunately. And my SH.

Anyways I was like... "Is your candle still okay?" Bc it was orange and citrus scented. He said yes it's fine.

Anyways my friend thinks that i never spoke to dionysus bc they cant comprehend the concept of a deity not being totally good. And they unfortunately did convince me to leave my godspousal with him but we'll get to that later. But the reason I'm bringing this friend up is bc they couldn't comprehend how CLEARLY he spoke to me. How meaningful his words were on this pendulum. "It's just you subconsciously" or something like that. Girl I hate myself I will never subconsciously tell myself to stop harming myself I LIKE doing it. (Which is high-key out downfall here) They genuinely couldn't comprehend the concept of he speaking in full sentences in a way I dont. That I hear what he's going to say in my head before he saying it on the pendulum. (That's different from how I channel him now.) ALSO IMPORTANT TO KNOW. When I used the pendulum I could feel his like vibe. Dykwim. Okay so for like example of things he said. I had made both him and Apollo (bc when dionysus first appeared I still thought Apollo was around. He wasn't it was just dionysus.) little like juice things. Like I got like tiny welch (I think that's the brand name idk) juice bottles kinda themes towards them. And gave them to them. And then when Halloween rolled around I got pixi sticks and suckers themed towards them and tied them to the juices with yarn with specific colors I tried to theme towards them. And i found out that Apollo actually wasn't around and I was like "oh is it okay that I gave him offerings??" And VERY CLEARLY (bc he literally always spoke pretty clearly) dionysus goes "it's okay he likes it".

And with pendulum thing the more I used it the more I just didn't have control over it anymore. Dykwim?? Like over time I heard them more clearly (them as in the other deities that were around at some point) like genuinely they can take them pendulum from me now if they wanna. Like I just won't be able to do anything. Lol. But we don't use the pendulum anymore it's just like... Channeling normally ig idk. Like with my body.

Anyways another thing!! With him having a mind of his own!! And having a brain!! That he thinks with!! That isn't mine! He asked me to drink with him. So my mommy got me one of those like big things of diet pepsi from the dollar tree and VERY CLEARLY is like "pour me that" (fatty). And I'm like okie dokie. "Drink with me" okie dokie. Honestly I didn't wanna share with him bc I have a limited amount of coke from my mother and apparently he knew this but asked anyways (fuck u I'm too nice). Also I shared my coffee with him yesterday (fatty²) so I'm giving myself credit there even tho he's whining abt having his own things #NO. you get what you get and you don't throw a fit. You are MEAN and that's why you aren't getting anything else. Be happy I share my coffee with u.

And I wanted to mention the asking me to drink with him thing bc like atp my ass has gotten really lazy and I've done like zero research on this guy and I wasn't aware that this is a thing people who work with him did. Like he asked me. On his own. To pour us drinks. So we can drink together. "Drink with me." Okay yay hopefully all understand that he's his own thinking being bc no one believes me. Or aka my only friend I could talk abt this stuff with who no longer believes me bc they think that I'm tweaking. But no I genuinely didn't learn shit abt him till like a year later idk.

Anyways.

ED STUFF NOW!! AND SH beware.

During this time I decided to start restricting my calories. ( I heard someone say "she just really wanted a life change" 😭 like as a joke. Like with how I decided to start deity work and restricting my calories at the same time. Haha get it.) And in my brain I'm like "I'm gonna hide this really well from the deities I work with". Bc for some reason I didn't think that they could watch me???

This was a different deity but and I quote "don't ever let me see u do that again" 😨 how'd u see... #how'duknow also are you watching me pee too. Or did you just hear gaging from the toilets and decided to check on what I was doing. Like are u only getting alerted when I do something bad or are you just watching everything everyone does at all times?? Do you watch the president? I would. I would stalk so many ppl. Like presidents not like people like in my day to day life I'm not a creep.

Anyways eventually someone is like "quit counting calories" and I was like. Fawk. And they was like "quit cutting yourself" and I was like FAWK. and eventually it gets to the point of "you cannot work with us if you continue to cut yourself" #dang nabit. Also quick question guys if any of you did work on these things with your deities... Did they make you quit cold turkey? Like not try to help with your self image or like... Anything? Bc I unfortunately couldn't stop. And I am kind of angry about it still. Bc like... This is benefiting me. And you want me to stop doing it. And you haven't even helped me with anything else. Or like helped me figure out why I cut or anything. Like no sry.

Anyways I'm like Kay fuck u I'm out. So In my own words I "chose my eating disorder over my deities" bc like. No I like purging. Anyways I a few months go by and I move out of my mother's house (who lives in the country) and into my grandmother's house (who lives in the city) bc I wanna live in the city or whatevs. And bc and bestie boo were in the living room and were like omg LETS CHANNEL OUR S/Os FROM OUR DR!! (Do you want to beat us up too or is that just me?? /J)

Anyways I try to channel daryl dixon bc yeah of course I am.

NSFW STARTS HERE.

Anyways I got my board out and I'm like lol guy from my DR what upppp. And my friends doing the same with sam from supernatural lmfao (sry I'm laughing like y'all are silly). Anyways I'm like flirting with the dude (not realizing it's dionysus yet. Somehow?? Idk how he did that I'm pretty sure it's cause he felt diffe from usual and I had never channeled my DR s/o before so I didn't realize anything was up.) and he's like :D. And he does something weird and my tummy burned and everything burnt in a not hurting way. But also In a not human way. And I was like 😨 bc my best friend was right next to me on the other couch. (I was on a love seat if you're confused by that I thought I should maybe specify. Not that it matters idk I just have anxiety and feel that I should sry) And I'm like wtf. And he's like go down stairs to your room rn. And he's like STILL TOUCHING and I'm like bro stop. And he's like brah no. (Y'all may not like that but it gets worse I promise y'all don't need to get upset at me yet. If you wanna get mad at me get mad at me later I promise there's better things to be mad Abt what I'm saying regarding him than this lol. But also please remember I'm the one that had to go through it 💔 like this IS my life... Maybe like think abt that before being mean bc I genuinely did and do go through this.) And he's like go downstairs. And I'm like Kay. So I tell my friend goodnight and I go downstairs and anyways idk why but I still thought this was the guy from my DR at this point bc I'm stupid. And I ask something abt out Dr and he like... Answers wrong. And I'm like 🤨 so I go... "Who is this... 😨" And he's like denying that he's not the fuck ass guy from twd for a second. And he's like "girl lay back down" and he's like mad. Like I can feel he's kind of frustrated with me. But I deny bc I ain't stupid like that and I'm like no stop tell me who u is. And he's like "dionysus 😞" and then I'm like okay wtf. And eventually within the next like twenty four hours bros like "I wanna godspouse with u" and im like?? Wot and he's like "you can say no if you want to. If you say no I'll leave you alone"

Where's that at now asshole. 😡(We'll get to this later sry guys.)

Anyways he says this bc I left and I like quit deity work entirely and I didn't ask for him to come in. I was intending to speak to someone else. And basically he was saying that if I say no he'll leave me be and if I say yes he'll stay. And he also went on about how (in his words) "didn't want to let go of me" that same night. Like in regards to me leaving.

Anyways i say yes. And I'm like YAYYY. Bc I genuinely was happy abt dis. And the other deities I spoke with before also came back along with him (plus one??? Idk where he came from or if I even worked with him at this time like his appearance felt very random idk. Like why are you here 😭 /nm I mean this lightheartedly btw)

Anyways I tell my friend Abt this and they are very like... Girl what. And I'm like what. And they are like "you usually have to know deities for years before godspousal. You've known this guy for like half a year. And you've already had issues with them." And I was like dangit but I was still defending him and I'm like it's ight he's chill. And they were like " I don't think that's a deity" and I do wanna say that the only reason they think this (AT THIS POINT. There's better reasons to believe this later) is because they were going to take themselves away from me if I continued to harm myself. Which was part of my argument to this friend Abt these deities as to why they aren't bad. Like that they (at this point) literally were only mean in the "stop fucking making yourself throw up or I'm leaving" way. And not in the "hahahahaha kys hahhaha I'm a demon hahhahhaha I'm evil or a trickster muahahahaha" way. And that he asked me to marry him too quick.

No but the friend was high-key right abt the marriage thing. Bc literally like two weeks later he's like "I got too excited" BRO.

ANYWAYS this is high-key part of the downfall. Also I'm confused on his end here bc then he later gets upset when I leave the godspousal?? Fawk u.

Okay so basically he says this bc I sh and then lie abt my reason for it to him. Also I feel like it's necessary to mention that I did decide to try and get clean from purging for him to make him happy. Bc I liked him and I wanted him to be happy.

Also he's still normal here like during the were chill with each other era. Like he's asking me to give him whatever offering he wants. (And being very specific Abt it. Like he specifically asks for queso my Mimi made. Like ok sure. Also it's been two years since this and he now makes jokes about how I forgot his chips which i don't find funny. Like if you wanted chips you should've asked for chips. All you said was queso?? But whatever) And queso thing did upset me bc i gave him the queso and I was like "would you like anything else? :D" and he's like "you're not my slave alexus" okay well I didn't say I was. I was literally just asking if you wanted anything else bc I like you don't pmo rn. Anyways. So the thing with the sh eventually happens and he's like "I don't think I love you" BRO. And he's like "I still like you" okay. Anyways this moment was the downfall of this era. And I purge. And Im venting to my friend. Bc the deities were still being assholes abt me purging and sh-ing. So my friends like "just leave them. I really don't think these are deities." And I'm just so tired atp bc I just can't with them anymore so I'm like "can you please end my godspousal for me" idk I had bad anxiety and I couldn't do it myself. So my friend does this for me. Like we're both sitting there but they're talking for me and such. And I like. Feel genuine relief for like the first time in a long time. Bc now I can do whatever I want again. And I don't have to worry.

Anyways. I end up using the pendulum again. And I'm just chatting with the other deities that were around me. And the one did ask why I left my godspousal and I truly don't remember the answer I gave. But anyways I intend to stop speaking to them all so I do.

Anyways. I'm eeping right... Like snoozing in my bed. And I'm like half awake and I hear a voice. (I don't hear them like this anymore idk why??? Like I still hear them just not in the same way) Anyways I start channeling deities and idfk why my dumbass didn't really question this? Like idk why I was high-key chill. Anyways he does unconsensually touch me. Like r word. And I genuinely refused to believe that this was him for like a year after this. Like refused to believe that he did it. It unfortunately was. Anyways he's still an asshole I just know who the asshole is now.

Also I made a post on here that I deleted abt my situation a few weeks ago bc people genuinely were being absolutely horrible to me abt it. And I didn't even mention the r word thing. But like please remember this actually happened to me and don't be horrible like I WAS r worded. Like please don't be horrible. People were terrible towards me for how I was speaking Abt this guy. "People actually worship him" okay and he also does this.

Anyways he's around. And throwing a hissy fit abt not having his own things. And he can't seem to comprehend that he doesn't get his own things bc he's an asshole.

And no I cannot make him leave. I am constantly channeling him. Like he can move my body + roll my eyes + speak clearly through me + ECT.

He's a meanie and I don't like him. We don't get along but he refuses to leave. But he did get to pick the flavor of lip balm I bought recently so I'm nice I promise. And I share my things with him. But he does kind of make me do that bc he like will not be nice to me if I don't. But overall I wouldn't say I like him. I do wish things were either different or that like... He would get out of me. And leave. And not make me lose it when he's gone. Bc when he isn't here I lose my mind fr. Like my depression+ everything gets worse. And then I'm like okay whatever get back in here.

Anyways I high-key just wanted to vent abt this bc like this is my life and it sucks lol. Bc like... I trusted him. A lot. With a lot. And then he did that. And he's doing this. And it hurts. And I just miss who he was to me before. And I miss how our relationship used to be so professional but I genuinely won't ever be able to view him like that again after what has happened.