idk how to hide it. my family doesn’t really notice when i don’t come upstairs to eat when im home, considering ive lost 115 lbs naturally and as a result just don’t eat much in general anymore. but i work in EMS so im constantly with others who are somewhat “trained”/ have experience with patients who struggle like I do. not to mention im with them at a minimum of 12 hours a day, and sometimes up to 36 hours straight depending on the shift.
since we’re in such close knit quarters (plus we only have one communal kitchen) for so long i feel like they always notice when i do and don’t eat. i don’t eat meals cooked by others most of the time due to not knowing the nutrition facts and brands of all of the different ingredients. other than that, i still try to eat in front of others when at work even though it’s incredibly difficult just to kinda throw off any suspicion but it’s been hard. we also have a gym at our station so im always training when I can during night shifts.
i can’t necessarily say i “dont want” them to know, because at the end of the day i also dont want anybody thinking i WANT to look this fat. but overall it is pretty embarrassing because i should be skinny to begin with.

American Waygu skirt steak, roasted potatoes and a Squirt Zero.

Kid is probably about two or three years old. I'm sitting at the low bar stools in the corner of this Chipotle restaurant trying to stay as far away from people as possible.

​I'm sitting right by the front entrance to the building, and I see this kid screaming and crying and running out the door. I pause for a minute and no one is chasing this kid. My first thought: big sister mode. My sibling does this kind of stuff all the time because they have autism and don't always realize the danger.

​I go after this kid because it's 5:30 p.m. where I am, and there are cars and traffic everywhere. I'm worried this kid's going to run out into a busy street and get killed.

​I pick up the kid and they are in full-blown meltdown mode—punching, kicking, biting. Whatever, it's a toddler so it's not like they can hurt me.

​I came back into the restaurant and said, "Whose baby is this? It's pouring rain and getting dark out. This child just ran out into the parking lot and could have been hit by a car."

​Well, the parent was not paying attention to her child. She put down her tablet, looked up, and said, "Oh my god!" And of course, she's a classic Karen.

​Did not get a thank you. Instead, I'm being accused of trying to kidnap her kid... yeah, right. I don't want a screaming toddler. So I'm just enjoying my food now before I have to go to work this evening. Karen is over there throwing a fit, and you bet the police were called.

​However, I think the security cameras are going to tell the honest truth. Miss Karen is going to get herself into trouble because she wasn't watching her child.

​God... I haven't even been up for 3 hours yet and my day is already turning to shit. Can't wait to work customer service this evening. Why can't people just be nice?

my first girlfriend left me (again) and i'm 99% sure it's not because she wants to work on herself, but because she can't get over her ex, but she'll never tell me that unless i find enough proof for her to give up on the lies. long story, cheating included, i don't know what to do. i just want to be loved without being betrayed and lied to, over and over again.. potato salad among other bullshit i probably won't finish.

It's gotten to the point where it's become detrimental, whenever I talk to my friends online or anyone online, I feel like myself, loud, making jokes, having fun. But whenever I go out, I feel so quiet, so anxious and whenever I wanan say something, no matter how hard I try I can't as I always overthink what if I sound stupid, what if they don't want me to talk, what if they think I'm creepy, all that. Even if I just walk outside, I'm always thinking about what random people passing by might think of me. And I know it's all bullshit, but in the moment, it's like I don't know at all.

Anyways, here's an attempt of mine at making beef rendang:)

it was very yummy

its 3am , i am wide awake thinking of my ex. thinking of all i went through , the abuse, the put downs, the lies, the endless nights, sometimes his 3 year old son jumping in the middle of our fights trying to calm his dad down .

i never believed or i guess understood when people say its hard to leave an abusive relationship and them not letting you leave...until it happened to me. i keep replaying back me telling him im done and him yelling at me , trapping me and i just wanna get away .

then the assualt happens. im so hurt. how could someone i known since we were kids, turn out to be such a awful man... what went so wrong in his life that he treats women the way he does ? and why was i so in love with him, that i ignored all the warnings from his mom, his sister, his cousins, his grandma, his aunt. if i would have listened , i would have saved myself some grief

About 5 hours ago i finally returned home from my very close friend's wedding (25+ years), i was exhausted and my feet really hurt from all the dancing, but the bus only dropped us about 3 kilometers from my apartment.

So what did I choose at 2:30 am? Walk of course.

The walk was hellish, but i got home, drank a bunch of water, and got into bed to sleep, I woke up about 4 hours later.

Usually I sleep around 6-7 hours, and i wake up completly exhausted. But when I sleep 4 hours (this is not the first time this has happened) I wake up much more energised.

I know about sleep cycles and such, but i don't get it, i just want to sleep normally and wake up not cursing the day and feeling terrible.

And it's not my diet, I ate terribly yesterday and drank a lot of alcohol.

I just don't get what's going on with my body.......

Spanish omelette (aka tortilla de patatas)

don't get me wrong, living with my (24) best friend of ten years is something that ive dreamt of doing since i met him (25). this is absolutely nothing against him - he is an outstanding guy and im very thankful that he gave me a home when my own was getting too rough. but fuck, i wish someone had warned me about how draining it is sometimes for someone with mental illness.

i work 4 days a week, which i know isn't much, but as someone with depression, autism, anxiety, and bpd, i am so prone to emotional burnout it's not even funny. most of the time when i get home from work, i'm absolutely exhausted from masking all day and i end up just being absolutely fucking miserable to be around - mood swings like crazy, physical and mental exhaustion, easy irritability, etc etc.

i literally don't even get ten seconds alone in my room to decompress before he's already coming in bc he wants to hang out and ask me a shit ton of questions. don't get me wrong, i deeply appreciate someone actually caring about how my day went, since i don't get asked often, but on nights after work i am quite literally in no mood to talk. and the worst part is it's hard for me to convey that to him because i don't want to accidentally snap and upset him because i really love him and care about him a lot. but god, just the sound of other human voices when i'm having an episode makes me want to scream. again, nothing against him.

and then he starts being all funny and jokey and when i don't have the energy to *give* him that same energy i feel like an absolutely dogshit friend. humor is his way of trying to make things better but it doesn't work on me. my way of coping is literally just wanting to be alone in my room and lay in the dark and silence, which i know isn't healthy, but it's just how i am. he has expressed annoyance in the past with me not reciprocating that energy sometimes and i do understand where he's coming from but at the same time he knows more about my plethora of mental illnesses than anyone else does so i thought he'd understand. and then when i try to explain to him how im feeling, there always *has* to be a reason for it. he *has* to know a reason why im feeling this way, but there literally just isn't one sometimes and then he tries to create one for me.

i know this entire essay probably makes me a horrible person, and i wouldn't blame you if you thought so, but i just needed to get this out there. i love my roommate sm man he's such an awesome friend and he's been there for me when i needed it most but god sometimes having a roommate is exhausting - not because of anything he's done, but because of my own shit that nobody in the house is equipped to deal with.