Hello im m17 and i am writing this in a depressive state as of now.I recently just saw professional photos of me and my girlfriend and all i can think of is how beautiful she is and how disgusting i look next to her,and it always just makes me wonder why she picked me.She calls me her handsome boy and her sweet boy but i cant fathom she chose a person with my defect.Both of her previous exes were taller than me,more wealthier and alot more handsome than i could ever be and i cant help but feel like shes only with me because she knows i dont want to hurt her.It kills me to write this because she doesnt deserve any of this,she deserves a person who wont have to always worry about their speech or nose or even fucking introducing themselves.I hate my smile because its uneven and it brings so much attention to my cleft palate and lip and i hate it,and i hate the fact that she has to deal with it even more.She often makes jokes about me that hurt and even if thats not her intention she feels bad because she can see i get hurt by everything.I want fo change so badly i want to accept that im a defect and move on.I want to feel good about myself for the first time in my 17 years of life,i want people to love me.Not out of pity.I dont think i deserve love or can get it from a person whos not blind and not deaf.i know im not extremely ugly but the sight of myself in photos enrages me.I just saw this post about a woman who had to leave her boyfriend due to how his cleft palate led him to get cheated on,bullied and isolated which led him to become angry and insecure,and i got so terrified because thats me.Im the fucking problem in my family,my parents spend so fucking much on my surgeries for me to just not be able to speak properly.I wasnt meant to be loved,i was meant to be aborted i one day hope my girlfriend realises how pathetic I actually am and i hope my friends replace me with someone better.I dont deserve to be loved,i dont deserve to be respected and i dont want to spend the rest of my life with this.Ive tried speech therapy ive tried trying to accept it but nothing works.No one will ever understand me.Frances if youre reading this,i love you more than anything and i am so sorry that i had to be a burden on you and i still probably am in our relationship.I am sorry for the insecurity and im so fucking sorry for failing you over and over as a boyfriend.I dont want to be full of anger but i am,im angry at my parents for not aborting me.I wish they didnt have to put me through this suffering.Maybe when i reincarnate ill be someone worth loving.i dont plan on ending the suffering but the thought is constant.

When I was a kid, I was happy and didn’t care much about my cleft, my looks, or my speech, but growing up changed all that. Surviving the bullying was tough, and going through painful surgeries up until I was 17 was absolute hell. Now I'm 18, and after failing my college entrance exams despite knowing my potential, my parents forcefully put me in a college thinking I'm incapable, leaving me traveling 3 hours every day feeling completely worthless. My biggest struggle is my speech—literally the first thing people ask is my name, and because I have trouble pronouncing the 'l' sound in it, I have to write it down almost every time, which just breaks me from the inside. Feeling ugly is manageable, but having people constantly ask me to repeat myself is what hurts the most, and hearing my own recorded voice is just shit. I have some good offline friends who drifted away, and now I feel completely alone, like a side character in everyone's life, or like people only tolerate me out of pity for my cleft. I've accepted I'll probably never get a girlfriend because I don't look good, I have a cleft, and girls really don't like a weak man who opens up—she won't understand, I know that. But something is there inside me which don't let me go of that idea of having a girlfriend. Still, it hurts when people make fun of me in a "respectful" way by asking if I have one, even today, I wanted to talk to someone I like, but my speech stopped me. I have no purpose or interests, I sleep too much to escape this life, and I can't talk to my parents because they just scold me to "go talk to people" without actually understanding my reality. I'm so sad, directionless, and tired of feeling like I'm the unfixable root of all my problems, to the point where I've found a solution to just end all this mental pain and suffering—Reddit will remove it if I say it, but you know what I mean.

Thanks for reading.

/userith would be soon ⚰️