Losing a parent is hard no matter what age you are but it's an unfortunate time when you are old enough to understand death but not to cope with it. I never felt like I had much time to grieve, as my family situation got really bad around then and I had to take care of my little sisters since the adults in the household spent their time fighting like children.

I'm not there anymore. I left this march and now live with my sister who is my legal guardian now.

This time of year is always hard. My dad was an amazing guy and In a lot of ways I feel like he was the last person in my life who was a parent. My mother and stepfather aren't bad people but they are bad parents.

I'm doing fairly well mentally now but I've been through a lot. I've been suicidal, I've self harmed. I came close to harming others many times.

Life is a lot easier now. It is still hard. Grief is like that. It doesn't go away but it does grow familiar.

I almost cried in a coffee shop the other day when I saw a father playing with his little girl. It hurts a lot to see people with that relationship but it also gives me so much hope. Through my stepfather I've gotten the experience of having a father who hurts you even if he loves you and through my dad I've had the experience of having a loving father and losing that and all I can say is this;

If you are a dad (or a parent in general) take good care of your kid. Many of my proudest traits and morals in life came from my dad. Like it or not, you shape who your child is in many ways. Tell your kids you love them. They need it.

And to anyone feeling suicidal or grieving, I get how hard it is. Hang in there. The pain doesn't go away, but you'll get to catch some fucking beautiful sunsets and meet some fucking wonderful people.

This is a topic I see brought up exclusively (or at least mostly) by women, so I thought of asking here to know what other men think of it.

Personally, I got my eyes opened about this 2 years ago (I am 20 now, so please go easy on me, I am still dumb and developing), when our teacher told us the following riddle:

"A man drives his son to a job interview. While still in the car, the son receives a phone call from the company's CEO telling him: «Good luck, son! You can do this!». How is this possible?"

My class and I went with all sorts of male-centered answers (even nonsensical ones): maybe the father was the CEO and phone-called his son right beside him for fun, maybe the CEO is particularly affectionate and calls everybody "son", or maybe the boy has got two fathers. When our teacher disclosed the solution – that the CEO is the boy's mother – I mentally facepalmed myself.

From then on, I have noticed how much we tend to resort to assuming anybody (and sometimes even anything) is male or male-ish until proven otherwise. Apart from the usual examples of strangers online or someone's pets being defaulted to male, there are some cases that I personally find incredibly annoying (though that I cowardly hesitate to bring up in a social interaction because I do not want to be a party pooper), and that have inspired me to make this post:

1. ChatGPT being referred to as "he", despite it having the most ungendered, robotic name of all time and literally lacking a single form of human representation of itself, other than through artists who make fan arts where they personificate different AIs and make ChatGPT look like a man, which still implies that their headcanon about ChatGPT is defaulted to male anyway in the first place.

2. Under a video of a mobile game where a chicken has to cross the road and a pro player went absurdly fast, a commenter said "Let that chicken rest, he's going faster than the trains!", so I jokingly yet intentionally replied to them with "True, she is basically the Flash.", to which I got the response "So, are you assuming all chickens are women?", when the person I was literally talking to did this first by using "he", but apparently, people seem to notice the "she" more because it seems to be the gendered exception of the default.

3. A video of two electric toothbrushes simulating a couple sleeping in the same bed: one of them wakes up screaming from a nightmare (the scream would be the toothbrush's noise when it is activated), and the other toothbrush scolding it for making so much noise. Most comments were like "Oh, I certainly know that's a dude with his wife, haha!", as if the toothbrush who screams, being the protagonist of the scene, must automatically be male, while the side role of the person who reacts to the protagonist's action must be female because of the archetype of the "dumb, funny male protagonist of your average comedy who happens to have an eternally irritated wife who does not understand him".

So, what are your thoughts on male defaultism?

P.S. I am sorry for the very long post, though I wanted to let you all know my opinion and experiences with it, and I really do not want to be a bother to anybody, so I apologise in advance if you find this topic annoying to discuss because it feels like it is being shoved down your throats.

I'm so excited! A brand new gym is opening up near me in a month, and I managed to get a really good deal for signing up early. I'm 250 lbs currently, and I want to start exercising regularly to lose fat, gain muscle, and improve my mood with strength training. If you guys have any tips, I'd love to hear them as well! I'm so excited!

Basically, I have been trying to build confidence lately. I have been feeling very unconfident because I am a 25 year old virgin. I have been trying to date for several years thinking that if I could just gain some traction and get social proof that I can be wanted/desired then I could build confidence and gain the experience required to get a girlfriend but unfortunately I am a worthless loser that women don't want. I don't think there is anything specifically wrong with me. I have really good/close friends that are both men and women who do have lots of success dating and they have said that they don't know what I am doing wrong/don't think there is anything wrong with me. Many of my woman friends have even tried to set me up. One even tried to set me up with her twin sister. Unfortunately I have fumbled all of them because I am stupid and or just really ugly. Not sure tbh. Anyways, I am so tired of feeling like a worthless loser and want to de-center women from my life. I have started therapy and I really have no reason to feel like such a loser as I am getting my doctoral degree, was a college athlete and have almost always had a good social life/great friends. I was even in a fraternity in undergrad. I have also been going to the gym for the last yearish and have made decent progress. It's just the shame/humiliation of being a 25 year old virgin that I can't get past. I now know that I have no choice but to get over it or I will never been happy and I am tired of living in hell. Just to be clear I am NOT asking for relationship advice but more so if anyone has any tips to get over this hurdle or how to be content/confidence given my current accomplishments and life trajectory. Sorry this was so long. If you read this far I appreciate you reading!

Hey bros, we have noticed a lot of relationship related posts. We are not a relationship advice subreddit, but we recognise how that type of advice may be helpful. Please keep relationship posting in this pinned thread.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdAIoKMMneqfRa6cOFHQ0FEfji3LZhzwX1ZuJ0Vlz4ilI6pJw/viewform?usp=header

Hi! This project is for my Capstone (thesis) research. The survey is targeted more for men to answer, however women are free to answer if they’d like.

(Copy and paste from a reply I made, thought more people might need this): Not OP but this helped me get out of an extreme depressive episode. Don’t compromise your happiness for others, live honestly (be honest to yourself. “Do I really want to do this?”, “I would be happier if I did this instead of that.”), live in the moment (I suggest practicing mindfulness! It’s great. I can explain more if you would like, or research the topic), and realize that you are not wrong for experiencing YOUR emotions. Everyone experiences wild and calm emotions, sometimes you have to be sad/angry/depressed, step away for a minute, and examine why you are feeling this way. Ask important questions (“Why do I feel this way?”, “Can I do something about it?”, “Am I being fair in the way I am treating myself right now?”), self examine, assess your feelings and realize they are temporary. Just a little rule in life: everything always changes. The good and the bad.

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this, but I figured I’d throw it out there and see if anyone else is in a similar spot.
I’m a 25-year-old guy getting established in my career. I’m two years into a relationship and starting to think more seriously about things like marriage, potentially having kids, finances, and generally what I want the next 5–10 years of my life to look like.
Fitness and health are a pretty big priority for me. I train roughly 5–7 days a week depending on work, and outside of that I’m into jiu-jitsu, gardening, video games, working on my cars, and a bunch of other shit.
Over the last couple of years I’ve found myself gradually growing apart from some of my longtime friends. I still like them and keep in touch, but we’re just moving in different directions. I’m not particularly interested in partying all the time anymore, and I’ve realized I’d like to have more people around me who are actively trying to build a good life and are willing to talk about it.
I actually joined a paid peer group through my industry about a year ago. I like the idea of a peer group, but most of the members are considerably older than me and are dealing with a completely different stage of life. A lot of the conversation ends up being about employees, HR issues, succession planning, etc. It’s valuable, but it’s not really what I’m looking for right now.
So I’m curious whether there are other guys in their 20s in a similar position—getting established in a career or business, navigating a serious relationship or dating, trying to stay healthy, thinking about money and the future, maybe outgrowing an old social circle, and generally trying to figure out adulthood as you go.
I’m not looking to create some hardcore networking or “grindset” group. I’d just like to find maybe 5–10 like-minded guys around the same stage of life and make a group chat. Somewhere you can shoot the shit, ask for advice, talk through decisions, share what you’re working toward, or get another perspective from people dealing with similar things.
Different careers, countries and backgrounds don’t really matter to me. In fact, that might make it more interesting.
If that sounds like something you’d genuinely be interested in, send me a message with a little bit about yourself. If enough people are interested, I’ll put something together.

Hey bros, trans bro here, sorry if this doesn't belong here. I'm 21 and am nonbinary, mostly masc leaning. I got top surgery back in July, and it's been fantastic. But ever since going back out in public, I've had more creepy/weird interactions with men than I've ever had before in my life. Even when I was more fem presenting as a teenager, when most catcalling/harassment/ect starts, I never got this kind of treatment. I dress pretty masc, and that hasn't really changed after top surgery (although I have half a mind to dress fem more often, because ironically that seems to be when they leave me alone). I don't pass vocally yet, but I don't even have to open my mouth for them to get weird.

I have a few theories and none of them are good. The first one is that they see me and feel some type of confused, so they take it out in this way. The second is that maybe with a flat chest they think I'm a younger girl (🤢)? The third is obviously not quite passing, but again, it feels like there's something more to it than just that because top surgery is basically the only thing that's changed in that regard. It's mostly older guys, I'd say 35+ emphasis on the plus. Could also be men like this feeling emboldened in the current political climate, although creeps are creeps no matter what. Or maybe in some cases I've stumbled on the demographic of guys who will never admit their attraction to men/masculinity and make it other people's problem. Maybe it's being even more visibly queer? I don't know, I'm at a loss and none of these answers are good. It just feels like no matter what there's nothing I can do about it.

There was a guy at work old enough to be my dad yesterday that made a weird pass at me, and I'm at a breaking point where I just need some advice as to wtf is going on, and a confidence boost. This is making me bitter towards myself and humanity as a whole. I feel more confident in myself than ever, but that seems to have painted a target on my back. I feel like I somehow am being targeted even more by these kinds of guys and that feels invalidating and scary. What if it's only a matter of time before it goes beyond words? Would also love advice on what to do, because I just kind of freeze and don't know what to do from shame.

I try to do this often - it feels awkward but… i love how bros light up.

My two favorite compliments are “bro I love your style” and “your beard game is on point bud”

Men don’t hear enough positive feedback - give a guy a compliment today! :)

Hey yall! Ive recently started playing Persona 5 like yesterday and am loving it! I actually stayed up till 5am playing it.

One thing thats made an impression on me though is how the Persona games make living day to day life so intresting and fun.

Basically in the game you always have something to do or work towards and the Main Charcter Joker is always doing something after school. (Theres a calendar day system so each day really matters)

Hes hanging out with friends to deepen bonds,going on dates, reading,studying,talking to all sorts of people and the more gamey parts like solving mysteries and fighting people's litterally manifested demons and desires.

Im in college right now and it feels like my life is not boring I wouldn't say but often because of my adhd I spend whole days watching YouTube or playing halo while listening to a podcast for hours on end. I just chase dopamine like half of the week atleast.

I have friends and have recently for the past 2 months tried to go out more. But im still shy with new people and I suppose i feel like im undisciplined. On some bad days my brain feels like it cant be bothered to do anything or it takes great effort.

Do any of yall relate to this? How do I make my life not feel like its a blur or that im wasting all my time?

You’re maybe sitting there waiting on this magical friend who’s going to appear and take you to do all the cool things you want to do.. stop waiting for them. Go and do it already!!

Give your self a fighting chance to enjoy your life, and maybe even meet some cool people along the way. It’s in you 100% to be able to do it. It might be scary at first to go and attend a class or be in public alone but it gets easier and your going to be in places (if it’s a new hobby you want to try) where you already have something in common with the people around you, how great!!

Seriously wish I took this advice a long time ago, but that friend your waiting on. They’re not coming. You have to do it for yourself! I believe in you.

So context, I went through a period of being incredibly confident and when I was I found a partner and made new friends it was nice. But I’ve been through a lot. And I got in touch with some old friends who were deep in the incel community and I started feeling insecure again. I even started wondering if they would try something with my gf. It led to me spiralling. I got paranoid and I eventually did cut them off again which I shouldn’t have even reached out. Was just feeling like we had some good times and I’m in a better place maybe it’d be different.

I’m still with the same partner and things are going good but the confidence I had is gone. I’m worried I’m not good enough. I hate I let those old friends get to me too. That when they’d flirt with her I wouldn’t just call it out at them instead I’d talk to her about it when it wasn’t even her fault. I just so quickly let them make me feel small. I struggle with groups. I miss it but I don’t want to sacrifice my values to fit in. Or have to make myself smaller or the butt of the joke to fit in. How can I work on that? How can I build a stronger sense of self? So I’m not worried my partner will leave me or that my friends are out to get me?

Autistic guys are way to easy to co-opt to these movements, so I want to know what led you to escape or leave them

Hey bros. 22TM here, going through a really rough time right now. Been on testosterone over 5 years, post top surgery and total hysto and still struggle to pass. I started looking into facial masculinization surgery to help me pass. After asking the surgeon who performed my top surgery if they also do FMS, he said yes, but that it wouldn't benefit me much.

He said this was because my issues with passing as male lie in being 5'4, and particularly petite, not because of my face. It was hard to hear, because it was an idea I'd been degrading myself with for years. I just don't even know what to do anymore, it feels hopeless.

It's not even like I can pass as a short man, because apparently the combination of my face and body can only ever read as a woman, and there's just no fixing it. I'll be seen as a tiny woman forever. If I could get height surgery I'd give up running forever just to be seen as who I am, I wouldn't care. I feel like I'm built like a bird. I feel like I was born weak and scrawny and being neglected/abused as a child had permanent effects on my body and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't make nearly enough to afford going to the gym, but I also have no home equipment. Neither of those sentences even matter because I never learned how to properly work out anyways, so even if I did have access I'd be a fish out of water.

It feels like I'm going to be like this forever, just some small ugly not-woman-thing. I feel like testosterone is uniquely ineffective on me. I feel like how I look now is the farthest I'll ever get. I feel like now I experience all the worst parts of being a woman on top of all of the worst parts of being a man. But I'm a man regardless, so there's nothing I can do.

Repressing and detransitioning has never been an option, so I just have to exist miserably. I feel ashamed to go out in public, my dysphoria only tripled after my surgeon told me I'll essentially never be seen as a man. I've been too depressed to do anything, I've become miserable to be around. It's eating me alive, and I don't know what to do. It feels like there's literally no options for me, I just don't know where to go from here. What do you even do when a medical professional tells you that your transition was useless??

Hey bros! It's time for your weekly vibe check. How are you doing? Anything you're struggling with? Do you need advice, or would you like to share an achievement with us?

I've been feeling this way for quite a long time, maybe half of my young adult life.

There is no one to serve. There is no clear next step that I could take to find someone to serve. I feel socially inept, physically in pain, mentally distracted. I wish I just had a relationship that came with a clear structure of serving the needs of my woman, but due to my lack of socialization I feel that's not a realistic goal as of now. There is nothing I could provide for anyone in my life right now, as a broke college student slowly dredging my way through my studies. Interacting with women my age brings up constant thoughts of "I wish I could become someone for her" and "if only she could get to know me without getting intimidated and running off"...

It feels hopeless to improve myself just for the sake of it. I feel like I'm not valuable intrinsically, but I have no external outlets to pour love onto either. Effort just for me seems like a vain waste of time. Can someone relate? Or offer any advice?

Please spare the redditisms

So there is a massive protest going on in my area against a SA crime. Me and my gf both attended the protest. However I heard many anti-men and not so pleasant slogans there. Now let me make it very clear that I absolutely understand the context of these slogans and I understand that these women don't literally mean all men and Im not implying in any way that these women are bad. But hearing such things from my gfs mouth...didnt feel pleasant and I experienced a bit of discomfort. I wont say im offended but its discomfort. So after the protest got over I voiced these exact things to my gf and asked her to not say this stuff irl but she got defensive and said only bad men get offended at this stuff and im prioritizing myself. Idk whether Im even supposed to feel bad because most of the people on social media are okay with it.

OK bros this is not a fun topic but it's crystallised something I've always puzzled on.

First off - if you don't know the case, you can google it, I'm not here to go over it or the storm around it.

Mods - if I've tagged this wrong or something I apologise.

So - What bothers me, and what I think is an opportunity for positive change, is this:

I really don't get why some guys see having sex with a non-consenting / unconscious woman some sort of win or achievement as opposed to being a disgustingly awful act that shows them to be a gross loser.

Like, surely it's not a positive achievement if the only way you get laid is by deception, coercion, or worse?

Surely getting someone to like you for who you are, be attracted to you because you're their type, and to have sex with you because they enthusiastically want to have sex with you is the badge of honour here, the achievement, a mark that you've done some stuff right and have been deemed boinkable by a person of sound mind and sober.

Managing to cop a feel of some passed out victim at a party, or stick your dick in someone without their consent, is not a win. It's gross and sleazy and makes you a fucking loser.

We (guys) need to do something about these attitudes because this shit is just awful and it's been around far too long.

I've been googling, and all I can find so far are one off stories, rather than regular and ongoing posting. I can find plenty of women who post about it regularly, but the circumstances are different, and it's just not the same. Even for men who hop in the comments, it's usually "well it happens to men too," rather than actual, personal experiences and connection. I don't want to read arguments about statistics or comparisons (from either side), I want to hear men talking about it from a personal perspective. It's weird when other men bring it up like a "Gotcha," especially when they probably don't care about or stick up for men in real life who are dealing with that trauma.

I'm a trans guy, and while I was perceived as a woman at the time of the abuse, the way it impacted me feels so different from how it impacts women. I know other people often feel shame for feeling sexual feelings throughout, but I was being convinced that *I* was pressuring someone into sex rather than the other way around. And beyond that, I just want to hear from other men, whether they have the same anatomy or not. I think those experiences are important, and while I do want to share my story one day, I'm not there yet.

I'm also open to one off stories if you suggest one that was really impactful

Edit: Also interested in hearing about abusive relationship dynamics, not just CSA (not to say those stories are not important or impactful, but it's often what I see rather than abusive relationships that included sexual abuse)

Thank you for the recommendations! I'm finding movies and documentaries I'll definitely be watching later

2nd Edit: I really appreciate all your responses. After the first day of research I got overwhelmed and have been putting it off, but I will come back and look eventually.

Hello, I'm posting in here because ive been lurking for a while and quite like this sub.

For context, I'm a transguy and ive been sexually assaulted twice this year. First time in spring I was stealthed and last weekend someone touched my chest. I actually reported it and now there is an investigation going on. This is my first time reporting that I was assaulted and I'm really proud of myself for that.

However, since last weekend I have been feeling very mediocre. The recent assault brought the first one back up, even though I just started healing.

I already know what helps me in these situations: Being outside, working out and most importantly speaking to my friends.

But the friends whom I trust the most, avoid that topic. These are my closest people and I went through a lot with them together, including depressive episodes in the past. I know I can always talk to them and they can always talk to me.

But as soon as I say "Yeah my mood has been kinda down lately because of the assault", they immediately block and tell me to see a professional. Is it too much to ask that I just want to speak to a friend? Its not like I am depressed, I still enjoy my life and I am going out every day. But sometimes I just need to talk and maybe a hug.

On the other hand I feel proud of them for setting boundaries like this, especially if they feel like they cant handle it. But it makes me feel really lonely. Even if I speak to professional, I would still want to be able to express my feelings to my friends. Because a good support network is the most valuable thing for mental health.

Their reaction drags my mental health down quite a bit and I just needed to talk to someone about this. Thanks for reading.

hey there bros, M22 here, looking for your opinion. lately I've been focusing on myself and my mental and physical health, but I've noticed I've become wary less social and active. I notice myself leaving parties early and turning down opportunities to hangout just because everything I want to do is to be home all cozy and play my favourite videogame. but every time I do so, I feel like I'm missing out on life and that I should be improving myself somehow and having fun because I'm so young. I also feel a big sense of shame for some reason, I feel like I'm a gross person (for some reason, especially if I have something to eat – if I'm eating that day AND gaming, I feel like I'm so nasty and gross)

any advice/opinion on that? is that normal or should I force myself to do more?

EDIT: hello again bros, just wanted to thank you all for giving your responses and opinions. I really appreciate having such a wonderful online community, thank y'all so much, and have a great day everyone!