Hi all, my little is 14 years old, and I’m having a lot of trouble coming up with things to do every single week. We live in Toronto so a lot of the time it’s either raining or too cold so that limits outdoor outings like parks or walks. And at-home visits were recently prohibited by the organization going forward. This really limits activities we can do. What are some free / low cost indoor activities? It can’t always be the mall, and she doesn’t really enjoy the library.

Hey guys,

I was thinking my connection was going alright, it’s still fairly new. I was paired with a 14 year old and we’ve done things like go on hikes, and I took her to a popular mall around us, and a color me mine.

Though out the past month (maybe two months?) I’ve been trying to schedule a more relaxed hang, something that doesn’t cost me too much money. Going to the nearby mall, taking her to a nearby ramen spot, doing tarot in the park with a charcuterie since she voiced interest in doing that, going to the gym together since she had also voiced interest.

We had planned three different times to go out with her actual older sister and her older sisters big, for dinner and walking around a popular shopping area. The first two times the other “big” canceled last minute, and the last time the girls canceled last minute.

She’s completely ignored all of the attempts I’ve made to plan something with her- and then out of the blue texts me and says we should go to a concert together to see an artist she likes.

I’m not sure if it’s just her age but these experiences paired with the fact the person who matched us literally told me essentially that she “she tries to get gifts out of her bigs” has me feeling a bit weird. From what I’ve gathered, her mom is usually too busy to drive her around places around the city so I get the feeling she’s using me to go to cool places her mom isn’t able to take her to- as opposed to needing or wanting mentorship or a supportive adult in her life. Although yes, all kids need that.

I don’t have a bunch of money to blow. I told the match supervisor my issues with her not responding, and they said they would reach out on their end, but they haven’t gotten back to me.

Not really sure how to respond to my littles text, was kind of hoping to hear back from BBBS before.
Thinking it might be better to be paired with someone else, but not sure. What do you guys think?

I was a Big Sister when I lived in Seattle. I ended up moving overseas last year and coincidentally so did my little a few months later (to different countries but now our time difference is much smaller). We still kept in touch but then last week she asked me if we could schedule a weekly call to keep in touch. We just had our first of hopefully many weekly calls today and she said she really missed me and was really happy we are going to do these calls. She just turned 14 so it’s super nice that she still wants to keep in touch

I’ve been matched with my little for 2-3 months and it’s going great with her in terms of activities and bonding, but I have a problem. My little asks me for money, both implicitly and explicitly, such as “oh I really want to go to homecoming but we can’t afford the ticket”. And I feel shitty not helping because I’m in a better financial situation than them, but still not a good situation.

Today my little’s mom asked me for $10 for an Uber ride home from where she was at. I felt bad for her, but to be honest, why didn’t she plan ahead? She just went somewhere with no plans or finances to be able to get home, and then asked me to step in? I gave her $10 anyway, but I feel like the mom is starting to use me as a free ride service and helping them out with whatever situation they’re in.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

Hi everyone,

I'm 25 and work full time in finance. I still live at home with my parents, currently saving money. With this economy, I do not plan on moving out anytime soon haha.

I have been thinking about applying to BBBS to mentor a kid. I feel it would further me as a person knowing I am having a positive impact on a young person. I was looking at their requirements and it appears they are big on you being "settled" in life before applying since there is a time commitment to a match.

Will living at home be a turn off for them? Do they expect you to have your own place? How "settled" do you need to be? I do not plan on moving away from my area anytime soon.

I also do not have any experience volunteering with kids or anything in that nature. Will they turn me down for that reason? I just do not want to go through this process as I heard it is quite time consuming only to be turned away in the end. Are there many people in their 20s as Bigs?

I am local to the NJ area if there are any current Bigs in that region who could provide some insights as I am sure each chapter operates differently.

Thank you for your time.

My little, 13F, is painfully shy. To the point of not speaking much at all when we’re on outings. We’ve been matched for seven months and I had hoped she might’ve started to feel comfortable enough to talk more around me, but that hasn’t happened yet.

Our outings get awkward because it’s just me talking for basically two plus hours. If we’re actively doing something and talking about what we’re doing, it’s a bit less awkward, but we’re not really connecting yet. I’ll ask her questions and she’ll respond, but the conversation isn’t organic at all. I see other Bigs talk about how much fun they have with their Littles and I can’t relate at this point.

Anyone have any ideas for how to get her out of her shell? I don’t want to push her too much, but it’s been a little rough so far and I’d really like to get to a place where we’re connecting and having fun together.

I recently interviewed and I didn’t realize that if you formerly saw a therapist they would want to contact them. Im not sure if I’m comfortable with that mostly because my former therapist really sucked which is why I dropped her. I’ve worked with children in schools the past two years and they’re requesting to contact pretty much every single person who saw me work with the kids and that’s no issue for me, I’m happy to provide those references. Ex-therapist though…that’s a little much for me, will telling them I’m not comfortable and not signing the contact permission form with this get me rejected from the program?

Any advice for a first time Big? The meeting is scheduled to be about half an hour at the BBBS office.

Hi folks,

I have been doing some research into Big Brothers Big Sisters and it seems like an amazing organization to volunteer with and I deeply connect with their mission. I would love to become a Big Brother, but I do work full time 9-5, Monday through Friday.

Would this be a problem? I also just recently started this job that I plan at staying at for the foreseeable future. Is being new to a job an issue for them? What are the main things they look for in applicants?

For reference, I am from NJ if there are any Bigs from that chapter in this sub.

Thank you for your input!

If you’re a Big searching Reddit because you’re feeling guilty about wanting to close your match, I hope this helps: you can care deeply about a young person and still decide that the match isn’t working anymore.

I was a Big for more than 6 years. I stayed committed for a long time, but eventually the relationship became increasingly one-sided. I was doing all of the initiating, planning, communicating, and carrying the relationship forward.
I also had to rethink what a true mentorship actually looks like. It doesn’t have to be perfectly equal, especially when a child is younger. But over many years, there should be some development of connection, communication, trust, curiosity, and engagement. Simply getting together occasionally, riding in relative silence to an activity, doing the activity, and repeating the cycle isn’t necessarily the same as building a meaningful mentorship.
For years I kept waiting for something to change. Eventually I realized I had been waiting for a shift that might never happen.

One thing I wish I’d understood sooner is that some of the advice Bigs receive online can unintentionally create guilt around closure. “The child comes first,” “silence is normal,” and “just keep showing up” can all be true in certain circumstances, but they aren’t universal answers. A child’s difficult circumstances can explain disengagement without making an indefinitely one-sided relationship sustainable.

The Little’s autonomy matters, too. A young person should not be pressured into maintaining a relationship they no longer want or are unable to participate in. But respecting their autonomy also means accepting what their ongoing lack of engagement may be telling you. Even when the Little or their family expresses no concerns, that doesn’t necessarily mean the match is working well for the Big or that the relationship is functioning as a meaningful mentorship. The adult in the match has autonomy as well. You are allowed to recognize that the relationship is no longer working for you without making the young person or their family the villain.

When I finally raised the possibility of closing the match, I felt there was more emphasis on trying to keep it open than on honestly considering whether the relationship had already run its course. I understand why agencies want to preserve matches, but keeping a match open isn’t the same as having a healthy mentorship.

Agency support also became part of my decision. When I needed guidance, communication was very slow, and I found myself having to follow up to get acknowledgment of important concerns. Eventually, I realized I no longer had confidence that I would receive the level of match support I would need if another significant problem arose.
The hardest part was feeling like closing the match meant I had failed. I eventually realized it didn’t.

You don’t have to keep a match going simply because you’ve already invested years. You don’t have to carry the relationship by yourself indefinitely. And you don’t have to prove your commitment by exhausting yourself.
I still care about the young person involved and I’m grateful for the good years we had. Ending the match doesn’t erase any of that.
If you’re struggling with this decision right now, you’re not a bad Big for recognizing that something isn’t working.

Sometimes the most honest thing you can do is acknowledge that the mentorship you hoped would develop isn’t developing—and that it’s okay to let go.

I've been excited to participate as a Big for a while, and finally my health is in a place where I can. But BBBS never responded to my application.

Today I went to try applying again, and I saw that the chapter in my area has actually been closed for a year. Their website and volunteer listings had remained up for much longer, but now all that is gone too.

Other BBBS chapters in my state are not close by.

Are there other opportunities to mentor that might be more available in a rural area? (I am in central Maine). Any other organizations that are similar?

I even reached out to a family I know who i would love to work with even without a program to meditate it, but I recently had a falling out with the grandparent unfortunately, and they didn't respond. Which is fine and their perogative. But I'm at a loss for whether I can find a way to do this.

I’ve been matched with my Little since March and I’m honestly getting really frustrated with the situation. I committed to a year and I genuinely wanted to build a relationship with my Little, but at this point I feel like I’m doing all of the work just to make an outing happen.

Before we were matched, I was clear with BBBS that I work full time with fluctuating hours and weekends are when I’m available. Her family agreed that weekends worked for them too. If they had told me from the beginning that they primarily needed weekday outings, I would have been honest that we probably weren’t a compatible match.

We’ve been matched for about 6 months now and have only hung out 4 times. We’ve done Color Me Mine, a cooking class, a painting activity, and an antique mall/sushi day. I plan the activities, reach out about scheduling, offer dates, coordinate pickup/drop-off, etc.

The problem is that plans are constantly changing. I’ve had last-minute cancellations, pickup locations changed the day of, pickup times changed, and plans that don’t get finalized until extremely close to when we’re supposed to meet and ghosting. A lot of the time I offer weekends and somehow the conversation comes back to whether I can do a Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday instead.

I’ve tried REALLY hard to be flexible. I’ve looked at my work calendar to see if I can move meetings (and I have). I’ve used a PTO day and I’ve offered to work around her therapy appointments and even pick her up directly from therapy. I’ve offered multiple alternative dates when something doesn’t work. But I have a full-time job and a life too, and I can’t keep treating my work schedule like it’s infinitely movable.

The most recent situation kind of pushed me over the edge.

I found a BBBS-sponsored painting event happening on a Sunday and asked her mom if my Little would want to go. She said she would love it, so I registered us. We got waitlisted. I told her mom that even if we didn’t get into the event, we could STILL hang out that Sunday and do something else and she agreed.

I checked in again the week of and specifically asked, “Does this Sunday still work for you guys?”

Instead of confirming Sunday, she asked if I could do Wednesday or Friday.

Then BBBS contacted me and we got off the waitlist. I immediately let her mom know and asked again if Sunday worked. She told me the weekend would be difficult and asked, again, if I could do Wednesday or Friday instead.

And this isn’t just about one canceled outing. Emergencies happen. People have appointments. I completely understand that.

It’s the overall pattern that is getting to me. I feel like there is very little respect for my time as we’ve had over 10 cancelled outings at this point.

I’m volunteering. I’m happy to spend my time and money doing things with my Little because that is what I signed up for, but I don’t think volunteering means I should constantly be on standby waiting to find out when/where I’m picking someone up or rearranging my work schedule because the plans changed again.

I’ve already brought the scheduling issues up with my BBBS match support specialist, so I’m not looking for the obvious “talk to your specialist” answer. I’m more interested in hearing from other Bigs who have dealt with this.

There’s another layer that I’m struggling with too. My Little told me that she joined BBBS because her therapist recommended the program. Sometimes I wonder whether she/her family actually wanted this relationship or whether they’re participating because someone thought it would be good for her. I don’t want to unfairly assume that she isn’t interested because she’s a teenager, but when I’m the one constantly initiating and trying to make everything happen, it’s hard not to wonder.

I take the one-year commitment seriously, which is a huge part of why I’ve kept trying to make this work but I am getting frustrated.

For other Bigs: has anyone dealt with a family that agreed to your availability during matching and then basically couldn’t accommodate it afterward? At what point did you stop bending your own schedule to make the match work? And if you’ve been in a match where you felt like you were much more invested than the family, did it eventually get better?

I’ve been a big for less than a year, and it initially was a positive match. The primary parent for my little tended to be on the scattered side, but we had effective communication, and things seemed to be progressing well.

My little has recently been the victim of a violent crime. The parent made me aware, and they also informed the coordinator. I have tried to be supportive - while trying to maintain boundaries - but the parent has been (understandably) a mess. They have been unsure about outings, and I haven’t pushed in the interest of child safety. There is also an active court case, and the perpetrator has an active restraining order. The situation has escalated to where I don’t know how to move forward - the family doesn’t have the support they need (emotionally or legally) to navigate the situation and the parent has leaned on me to be their emotional and practical support. There is also a known threat of an individual in the community who is awaiting trial. I have frequently called and emailed my coordinator with these concerns, as I want to keep everyone safe, not interfere with the investigation, maintain the boundaries of the program, and make sure the child is properly supported. The coordinator has been extremely dismissive, and their only response to me has been to encourage me to stay involve as to “not abandon the child”. The entire situation has taken a toll on my mental health, as I feel like I am the only adult in the situation who is taking things seriously. There has been no help or guidance from the organization - only guilt trips when I suggest taking a pause to let things calm down.

I’m not sure what to do. I want to ensure this child is protected and cared for, but I feel like I’m being put in an impossible situation. Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

Hello,

I started a match a few months ago with a tween girl who has had some difficulties in her family and issues with behavior and school, the likes.

I have posted in the past on a different sub (you may be able to dig it up) about her lying blatantly about things and that bugged me. I received feedback that that was just how kids her age act and not to read into it too much which was honestly valid feedback. I know I lied about dumb stuff at her age, even if it was not to the same extent.

Ill be so real- I think I am in over my head. I CLEARLY do not know how to confront her about issues and what the right thing to do is. If i call her out, I dont want her to stop trusting me.

She still lies about dumb stuff- she is a “pro gamer” and pro race car driver, her dad is a professional boxer, she fell out of an amusement park ride and flew across the park and landed in a Farris Wheel, etc. it does bother me but I am trying to take the advice just to let it go.

The thing that is really bugging me is she is just verbally aggressive about other people and swearing. Like she swears profusely, every other word, and some of it is violent which I did put a stop to. She said she wanted to bash her whore teachers head in with a sledge hammer and I finally sacked up and told her she could not talk like that around me.

I’m such a passive person, I have no clue what to do. I feel bad discontinuing the match because she looks forward to hanging out! Like she genuinely likes me. And i want to support her interests and hobbies and be a good role model because she SEVERELY lacks that.

I just dont know what to do. I hate to say it but I have started dreading our meets and this last time, when she said the thing about the sledgehammer, I damn near turned the car around.

Wtf does one do? I feel like we were carefully matched and when they asked about what kind of kids I should not be with, I said kids with significant behavioral issues cuz idk what to do with them! And here I am….

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks

I have been in a match for about 2 and 1/2 years with with my little. We started when she was 10 and she is now 12 turning 13 in January. At first the match was very difficult - she had a lot of behavior issues, running away from me, being upset when I wouldn't give her everything she wanted, those kinds of things. I'm very proud as somebody with limited experience with kids that I was able to work through a lot of those things and the past year has actually been pretty good.

That brings me to today. I am in the process of trying to get pregnant and I think I'm ready to end the match and end other volunteer endeavors I am doing in order to focus on myself and my own family and enjoy this phase of my life. I feel bad though about ending this match when it feels like she now really looks forward to our time together and seems to actually like me. And don't get me wrong I have come to enjoy the time with her too, but the time money and mental energy that I put into this I would rather start pouring into my own life.

I feel like I'm going to hurt her feelings or cause some sort of negative impact on her and I feel bad! Has anyone else ended a medium term match like this? I know honestly is the best policy, but I do not want to let her down especially since I know she does not have the best family life (nothing abusive, just not what I would qualify as great parenting or very enriching life at home).

I’ll preface this by saying that my goal in volunteering with BBBS was to mentor a youth that needed a positive role model and guidance. I’m currently matched with a 13F and we’ve been matched for about 6 months. She’s fairly quiet and shy, usually saying very little. We’ve had a bit of progress there but it’s slow and still usually relies on my prompting.

I asked her this last time we got together how she came to be in the program. She said she showed interest independently, asking to be a part of it. I asked her what about the program she liked and what she wanted to get out of it. She said “it seemed like a chance to do some fun stuff”, saying she initially didn’t think she could be a part of it if she wasn’t a child in an underprivileged situation that needed a mentor. So, I clarified, asking “so, you don’t feel like you need any mentoring/help with stuff you’re going through?” and she said “no, not really”. Evidently, that’s why her last match of one year ended. They said they were wanting to be paired with a little that needed guidance/mentoring, which is fair.

I’m somewhat feeling the same way. Since she’s said aloud that she doesn’t really need help with issues she’s experiencing and just wants to do fun stuff, I’m feeling a bit deflated. I really wanted the opportunity to be a role model/mentor for someone that really needed the program. With my current match, I’m not sure I’ll get to experience that kind of connection. I fully plan to stick out the year commitment, of course, but beyond that, I’m unsure how to proceed.

She seems like a pretty normal, well behaved, well adjusted kid with a mom that loves her and keeps her busy with sports and activities. That perception could change in the next six months, but I don’t see that happening.

If I were to end the match at the one year mark, I’d feel as if I were abandoning her. She’s a nice kid; I’m just not sure she NEEDS this program as much as some other kids do. Has anyone else experienced this or have any advice?

I (27M) am doing a site-based program for a middle school aged boy in a major city. The middle school is like five hundred students and fully equipped with extracurriculars. They say they should have me matched by October.

Question’s in the title. Anyone have experience working in site-based programs? What are they like?

Applying to the Big Brother Big Sister program to be a Big. I'm a medical assistant 4 days a week, mostly from 9-5 with Wednesday and the weekend off. I have another volunteer opportunity on Wed in the morning. However, I'm also working on my essays before applying to medical school in May.

For everyone that's been a big, would I be able to stay true with a connection with a little given my schedule/agenda?

I signed up, went through the interview, and I know this week they're getting feedback from my references, so I anticipate another week or few before potentially getting a potential little.

I know the official stance of BBBS is to promote low/no-cost activities, but I also see a very consistent theme of at least feeding the little most outings. I see lots of people getting free tickets to stuff through BBBS and various free BBBS-hosted events, which is cool if they're something the little or I are interested in. I also see posts of people going to paid-for events, sometimes seemingly fairly expensive ones. I see posts where the parents pay the Little's ticket costs or food costs or feed the Littles before meetups, and I see other posts where that's clearly not happening.

There's a recurring theme of people setting budgets for outings and letting the little be involved with the decision on how to allocate said budget, but the example numbers of said budgets seem incongruous with many of the other stories I've seen.

I'm blessed to be in a position where I'm not too worried about expenses, but I want to avoid being 'guy who pays for expensive stuff all the time'. What's normal for costs here? Do Bigs usually feed their littles? How often do you do paid activities? What's too much? How do you avoid being 'guy who pays for expensive stuff all the time'? How do you navigate what I assume is the typical dynamic of a Big with significantly more disposable income than then Little, and is it obvious to everyone involved? How common is it for parents/Littles to request the more expensive outings? I don't want to create any resentment from anyone, either. I certainly don't want to be perceived as 1-up'ing the parents or any other adults in the Little's life.

I'm guessing there's a huge variety of answers here, and it depends a great deal on time of year and where people are located, but does anyone mind sharing their typical financial commitments with this program?

Edit: mild grammar

Assuming I end up with a little, I was thinking of keeping a record of what we've done, how long, how the Little liked it, how I liked it, and how much we spent. Does anyone else do this? Is it helpful for planning other activities? Does it help you remember what you did when you talk to the MSS?

It wouldn't be shared with the Little or the parents, but I think it would also be nice for my own budget to know how much time/money/miles I'm putting into this.

I also think it would be interesting to see the relationship between money/time spent and our enjoyment. I have some thoughts (as I'm sure everyone does), but actual data would be nice and I've never seen any.

I would love to hear stories about the impact this program has made on you if you were a big or a little.

Feel free to share as little or as much as possible.

I’m 26F and my Little is 10F. Overall, our match has been really great. We go to the library together, and lately I’ve been teaching her how to swim, which has been really fun.
The recurring issue I’m struggling with is that she asks for a sweet treat almost every time we hang out. In the beginning, I gave in a few times, but I’ve been trying to set the boundary that sweet treats are something we get sometimes, not every time we see each other.
The hard part is that she still asks every time, and then I feel guilty for saying no. Her dad recently passed away, and some of my friends have told me I should just give in because of everything she’s been through. But realistically, I don’t always have the money for that, and I also don’t want to create the expectation that every hangout includes buying a treat.
At our last meetup, she asked if I would buy her something from the vending machine afterward. I told her no, but then she said she was hungry and seemed hangry the whole drive back to her house. That made me feel conflicted because I’m having a hard time figuring out whether she’s actually hungry, in which case I would absolutely feed her, or if she’s mainly asking because she wants a treat.
I’ve even been trying to plan our hangouts for right after lunchtime to help avoid this issue, but it keeps coming up. I want to be compassionate and understanding, especially given what she’s going through, but I also want to set healthy boundaries and not make food or treats the focus of our time together.
Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do you tell the difference between genuine hunger and treat-seeking, and how do you handle it without feeling guilty?

I am a 36F big (single mom) with a 13F Little. I have worked with kids a bunch in my lifetime. I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in East Africa where my whole life was kids for two years, worked at a Boys & Girls Club, supported programming for kids with developmental disabilities, been involved in church growing up, etc. I'm good with kids overall. I have a sweet 5 year old boy and his friends love me. I work in a pretty cool international career that allows me to travel, focus on projects that support women and girls, and am well connected to social impact organizations and non-profits in our city where I could really open up doors for experiences and opportunities so I thought I would make a pretty good mentor right about now! So I was eager to sign up.

But in short, my little just is not interested in me, anything I'm interested in, won't engage with my child (he's only been around minimally), and is overall, just not a very engaging person. My little and I started hanging in March/April. I feel like she's comfortable around me but she watches TikTok and puts on her headphones whenever we are driving or sitting anywhere for 2 seconds. She'll only talk to me responsively, never asks questions. I feel like she really only wants me to take her out to do fun things or to get her out of the house. She's kind of lazy, not interested in physical activity, doesn't want to volunteer, etc. I took her on a hike and she was MISERABLE. I took her to a work event for Kids and she looked angry the whole time. I signed her up to volunteer at Vacation Bible School (with mom's support) and she didn't talk to a single kid (4-7 year old girls) and decided to pass on the rest of the week because of other priorities. I found an opportunity for free swim lessons but we are in the south and have been dealing with rain, and she refuses to swim in rain (not a thunderstorm), so those haven't worked out. She just seems unappreciative, passive, and lazy. The amount of effort to engage this girl when I am a single mom is just draining. I am giving all my solo time and effort to planning activities, hanging with her, creating opportunity, etc. and I'm starting to feel resentful.

It's very clear she doesn't have strong social skills, has not been held accountable for much, and overall just seems not motivated to do much. Overall, we just don't have a lot in common and I don't feel like we are a good match. It's frustrating because I do feel like I have a lot to offer for the right kid, but my eager effort is being wasted on someone unappreciative.

Side note: I am her second match. Her first match moved after a year without notice, so this is her and her moms second try. Her sister and cousin also have matches so the whole family is engaged in the program. I am feeling guilty that I kind of want to end the match and recommend she find another Big given this context.

Advice????? Am I being too hard on her or expecting too much too soon?