r/askSingapore • u/hardrollsmatrix • 1d ago
General SG Redditors over 30, what’s something you only understood about your parents after becoming an adult?
Growing up, most of us probably thought our parents had everything figured out. Some of their decisions might have seemed unreasonable, unfair, or difficult to understand back then.
But as we get older, start working, build relationships, or have families of our own, our perspectives sometimes change.
For those in your 30s and beyond, was there a particular moment or experience that made you see your parents differently?
Could be something you finally understood, something you learned to appreciate, or even something you realised you would never want to repeat.
What happened, and did it change your relationship with them?
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u/No_Tell_6675 1d ago
I'm not even 30 yet, but I've grown to realise that my parents might not have been the best parents, though I understand that they didn't exactly have the best role models themselves. In their own ways, they tried to make sure I wouldn't have to experience the same things they went through growing up.
My dad, for example, saves money like crazy because when his parents passed away, they left him nothing, and everything went to his other siblings, cause he was the eldest. I guess their own traumas and life experiences shaped the way they parented, and perhaps they were just doing the best they could with what they knew.
I might not be super close to them or even feel that strong sense of love towards them, but I'm still grateful. At least I didn't grow up with abusive parents, even if our family is dysfunctional in its own ways.
I also brought them overseas for the first time last year, and that was when I really noticed how much they had aged.
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u/sdarkpaladin 1d ago
In my teens: My parents also can be wrong
In my 20s: My parents are just humans. Flaws and all.
In my 30s: Fucking hell, look at all those white hair.
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u/NanaePark 1d ago
Being a soon to be dad, realising how difficult it was for my dad to single handily raising us 3 siblings.
From getting our household items being possessed for being in debt when we were still young till owning a landed property now while he only have a primary 6 certificate.
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u/whataball 1d ago
True rags to riches story. Does your dad own a business? What type of business is it?
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u/copperandleaf 1d ago
Realising my parents had the capacity and means to love and care for me better, but didn't.
And till now I have no idea why they treated me the way they did. They have a helper now, and the 4 years of her working for them she has been treated better that my 20 years living under their roof. Good for her!
I'm a parent now so it baffles me further. I would never ignore my kid's cries for help.
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u/xeroze1 1d ago edited 1d ago
I am almost 40, and the older i get, the less i am able to accept my parents for their shitty behaviour in terms of parenting neglect/lack of responsibility/self-accountability as adults.
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u/pingmr 1d ago
Imo what has become clearer to me is that when parents used to beat kids, it's very often just acting out their own frustrations and anger. Rather than a loving beating.
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u/doc_naf 1d ago
Yeah. It didn’t even have to be anything you did wrong. Looking at them the wrong way or crying or not crying when you’re hit, all get you hit more.
I think physical punishment, if used at all, should be done when there’s clear parameters and when the parents are calm, and the reasoning can be explained to the child.
Otherwise? If you can only rule by fear and not lead by example, should you really be a parent?
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u/Ancient_Stop3925 1d ago
Correct. Just because parents often claim that they do the things they do with the best intentions doesn’t mean we are obliged to accept their version of care.
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u/zmimi 21h ago
Same. The emotional neglect was crazy.
Then now they wanna be close... Ugh.
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u/nomzieee 15h ago
Exactly that. Only on their time and on their terms. Lol. They are ready to be close now. “Why you not appreciate!”
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u/bellyporkie00 1d ago
Providing basic necessities—putting food on the table, paying school fees, and ensuring a roof overhead—was often the highest form of love they knew how to express, even if they did not have the vocabulary for emotional validation or open communication.
As i grew older, i realize our parents were just young people thrust into massive responsibility like i am now without an instruction manual, figuring out life at the exact same time they were trying to keep us alive.
Seeing our parents as fallible humans rather than infallible parents allows grace to replace resentment. Our parents made compromises we will probably never fully know about just to make the math of daily life work.
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u/thjuicebox 1d ago
I used to give my mum a lot of grace but meeting up with her in my late 20s shone a light on a simple truth : you might not have an instruction manual but when your child tells you something you’re doing is scaring them, the instruction manual is being written right there for you..
I stopped gaslighting myself into continuing to have interactions with her soon after because she’s just not ever acknowledged that she’s capable of causing hurt
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u/bellyporkie00 1d ago
Fair enough. A lot of generational trauma came directly from people who were ill-equipped for parenthood having kids anyway, just because it was "the next thing to do." That's why alot of people are recognising this and refuse to be parents.
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u/xlez 1d ago
I'm not over 30 but I think my parents (especially my mom) shouldn't have been parents. Ironically they tried so hard to have kids, only to end up being dysfunctional and abusive.
Every time I tell my mom she needs to work out her own trauma, that just because she didn't have a good family environment growing up doesn't mean she can treat me the way she does, she gets triggered and starts being abusive. This is how I know she's narcsissistic.
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u/silentscope90210 1d ago
My Dad passed away 3yrs ago. Realised that your parents aren't going to be with you forever and that you should spend more time with them when you can.
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u/Pilotboi 1d ago
Feel you bro... my dad also passed away 3 years ago and not talking and spending time with him much is my biggest regret in life... He always found time to talk to me and loved me to bits, but i was clearly an asshole and looking only at his flaws...
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u/Ancient_Stop3925 1d ago
Conversely, this doesn’t mean that you should or need to spend most of your time caring for single parents or grandparents. Have an early-30s friend who basically sends his grandparents to and from hospital for their checkups - even needing to take AL for it.
“Filial piety” doesn’t mean one should devote their entire free time to being on standby for elders.
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u/meomeo118 1d ago
parents of the past generations are parent of social expectation. I am not sure if some of them even want to be parents. To understand it is one thing, but went through all the traumas, neglect, and understanding it? I dont know if I can forgive them, I just dont want to have children at all.
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u/Seonji_Gukbap 23h ago
Realising my parents were constant liars and still held a holier than thou attitude, and somehow held a toxic relationship with apologies, never admitting they were wrong or apologising.
The cumulative effect of this raised me to be afraid of failure and never allowing myself to make mistakes, thinking all adults were never wrong, constantly feeling unworthy, and only deserving of love if I achieved certain results or standards.
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u/Winner_takesitall 1d ago
That having age doesn’t mean they necessarily know better. Whether they admit it or not is another matter..
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u/Fuzzy_Construction99 1d ago
im 40. i think my mother is not taught to be a good mother. they dont have the concept of being good parents in their mind.
But that is purely my mother. Not that its not purpose, its just that they dont have the knowledge, all is by monkey see monkey do, or by their own abilities. im sure she loves me, but we all dont know how to express our love properly.
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u/Tsperatus 1d ago
found out that they have been making bad decisions all the way, including havjng children
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u/Environmental-Job-51 1d ago
When I was growing up, I thought their marriage was about as good as it gets. There wasn’t big drama no fights, but they were also not loving towards each other.
I remember thinking to myself as a teen that marriage is absolutely unimpressive and not worth the hassle.
They finally divorced when I turned 30. And I truly understood their marriage to be dysfunctional.
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u/alohalulurose 1d ago edited 1d ago
38F here understood why women must be financially independent. And why they were so against having bf/gf at an early age (like still studying), and discourage getting married too young. They were protecting me HARD. (But also caused a lot of trauma along the way ❤️🩹)
Also, why they freak out so much by the people i chose to hang out with. They were judgemental and still is, but I now could relate that kind of worry.
And oh, back then there is no internet, no chatgpt, they have limited access to information and have limited perspective as well. That’s why they can be so gullible sometimes, and tend to believe in hearsay.
I’m not a sweet daughter, but not a terrible one either. Depsite all our fights and tears back then, i forgave them. Things got better once I stopped living under the same roof with them. Now I try to be nice to them, speak nicely, and refrain from correcting them everytime.
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u/Ok-Force-5207 1d ago
I once saw a comment asking the same thing, "Our parent is just pretending to know or trying to know what the hell is going on as adult" basically they are as clueless as we as a kid asking them questions.
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u/No_Kaleidoscope_616 20h ago edited 20h ago
had a conversation with my grandpa before he passed away. One story was of him at 14 years old carrying his baby brother in trenches hidng from the zero fighters while watching how helpless the british cannons were. At 14, my father was working in a farm. At 14, I was in secondary 2 and have a small collection of colourful pagers that don’t work. Sharing this story with my cousins somewhat helped us gain awareness of our own inherited thinking and behavioral scripts. A cousin asked “then, they were trying to survive. Now, we can thrive but mentally what are we surviving from?”
It helped me be intentional about the kind of parent that my unborn child deserves to experience.
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u/Time-Pen7218 1d ago
They were trying their best, and it’s okay that everyone’s 100% looks different. And let’s not judge anyone on their worst day.
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u/fleshmarket 23h ago
I am a bit teary as I am reading some of the comments here.
Firstly, I am just glad that both my parents are still around, they might not be at pink of health, but I appreciate the times we had and will have.
We always make an effort to plan for yearly trips together as a family.
To bring them around while they are still mobile and able. During their peak, they were too focused on putting food on the table for us that they didn't travel much. Work, work, work.
Secondly, yeah, pretty sure they were pretending to know it all when they could be just as lost as us, if not worst. Technology is so advanced for us now, we could easily develop a bot to help us purchase things and automate other stuff. But in their days, they could only rely on themselves to self regulate or whatever.
Thirdly, yup, we are becoming their parents now. I always call them my big babies!
Their love language for me was gifts. Whatever I wanted, they always try to provide.
Now, their love language for me is FOOD! Always ensure I am not hungry. Or whenever they see my favorite, they would buy for me. It's so sweet because I know they were thinking of me.
I will try to provide them back the same, and taking off the stress level that they have carried for so many years.
It's time for them to relax..
I never say this to them face to face, but I really love them, my big babies.
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u/syarkbait 21h ago
I understand deeper how much they sacrificed to raise us. It makes me a more compassionate person when I’m not happy with them or when they do things that I don’t necessarily understand. I just take it as something that I have to accept because there’s no such thing as a perfect family. We can always be better but I don’t have to add fuel to the fire. I want to make their lives easier and just take care of them when they need me to step up. It’s just something that is the bare minimum. I don’t ask to be born but here I am so I will do it.
That being said, I’m not very convinced in being parents myself … not sure if I’m able to give my hypothetical kids the kind of life I want them to lead. For me, it’s okay if I’m childless because the last thing I want is to make them suffer.
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u/playyourlanjiao 1d ago
A lot of the times she said no to something I wanted to do, she was just trying to protect me from potential harm or danger, such as staying over my friend’s house when I was young, or going out late at night etc etc. Now that I’m an adult and seeing so many stories of abuse or attacks etc etc makes me really thankful she stood her ground. Also I was a shit kid and teenager so I regret that.. 🥲
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u/Wishingst4r 1d ago
As I grow older, I realised that my parents were also once new parents, and they do not necessarily know everything. Everyone is just a work in progress. It kind of make me feel sad that my mum was also trying but didnt know how. But nothing much could be changed cos anyway she has passed on. I believe if she is still around, I would try to be more of a friend to her.
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u/Next_Dot_7398 1d ago
Now I know why both my father and grandfather said they like to eat meat parts with bones, fish head, etc.
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u/Several-Length1242 1d ago
It was tough for them too. They've been winging it the entire time, just like me now.
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u/shawnwkk 21h ago
I learned that adults are not always right, they’re just an older version of who they used to be. Whether they learned to live life better with the responsibilities they’ve been bestowed with, is a separate matter altogether.
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u/HugeMinute5448 23h ago
Why they are so fucking angry when I am not home when I said I’ll be home at a given time
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u/supermiggiemon 1d ago
i used to wonder whats wrong with dining in hawker centres and coffee shops; what's the issue with taking the train and bus with my friends. i used to think that my parents were depriving me of what normal is like. i sneaked out with my friends to try those.
now i understand the concept of living within ur means, and if being comfortable is within ur means, just do it. after a long day at work, u really dont wanna cramp in public transport, or have to queue up for food, chope place, etc.
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u/harajuku_dodge 1d ago
That it’s my parents’ first time being parents too. And they are also figuring things out as it goes.
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u/redditredditgedit 1d ago
That it’s their first time living too.This is why I love to surprise them like their favourite books or “sweets” just simple things and it never fails to bring out their sweetest reaction.
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u/doc_naf 1d ago
Tbh I realised they like to eat my or my siblings cooking more than the expensive meal outside. One time I made plain fresh bread and they just ate it like that as if it was cake (when it was supposed to go with curry or jam). It’s like it’s tastier because someone who cared about you prepared it.
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u/redditredditgedit 1d ago
Awww this is so sweet, yes and it made us feel like a Michelin chef for their high praises😭
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u/whataball 1d ago
We all get old and some things just stick with you and are difficult to change. That's how we viewed our parents as being stubborn.
We tend to forget that they were also young before and were "young and cool" like us and it's circumstances that changed them.
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u/doc_naf 1d ago
We’re all just bigger and more wrinkly kids. Our parents grew up in a time when information wasn’t as readily available. I can’t blame them all that much for doing things that were clearly bad for me (like slapping and hitting in frustration and anger) that were normal.
I don’t pretend it never happened. but I don’t hate them.
I do talk to them the way I talk to my nieces or nephews or friends kids - with patience, to work through a new point together. Just because they’re older doesn’t mean they know all of it. They deserve that patience and grace too.
Plus, they’re old now. We don’t know how many days or months or years we have left with each other. If there’s any time to forgive, it’s when you can still build something together.
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u/Roguenul 1d ago
I'm over 40 and I'm still figuring shit out. So when my parents had me when they were 28, they were friggin clueless. (I know I sure was at that age). I appreciate they tried their best though.
It also applies to my school teachers - all were 20/30something. I'm older now than most of them were when I was in school.
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u/No_Extreme_9613 1d ago
This is something I’ve come to realise only after becoming a full-time working adult: my Mum is actually a superstar at her job. She was just held back from progressing beyond a certain level because of workplace prejudices against Chinese-educated staff.
Imagine being in your 70s and still being persuaded to stay on and have her contract renewed annually at a government-linked company because younger colleagues (those below 65) simply can't do what she does.
I used to wonder why my Dad was the higher earner, yet he was given a golden handshake by the government at 62, while my Mum is still going strong. I've been waiting for her to retire, but she seems to genuinely enjoy her work. And I guess the extra salary doesn't hurt.
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u/natadoctor 17h ago
Realising that they thought providing for my practical needs was sufficient, and didn’t think enough about providing for our emotional needs. I only figured out when I saw how my friends’ parents treated them, and now how my in laws treat their children.
As a result, my siblings and I are not close to my parents. And I became very emotionally self reliant and reluctant to express my emotions.
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u/Present_Button_4081 1d ago
“ Mummy, why you got no Pri school friends?”
Now in think about it, it’s dark and I’m sorry to ask that question
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u/unreservedlyasinine 1d ago
It's not that bad. You wouldn't get mad if a kid asked you the same question, neither would your mom.
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u/Single-Obligation151 1d ago
That my parents were living life for the 1st time just like me and deserved so much more grace for the suboptimal things they did that I never accorded them; and gratitude for always trying their best I owe them would never be sufficient
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u/vecspace 1d ago
The older I get the more that I see
My parents aren't heroes, they're just like me
And loving is hard, it don't always work
You just try your best not to get hurt
I used to be mad but now I know
Sometimes it's better to let someone go
It just hadn't hit me yet
The older I get
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u/Feisty-Gap6969 1d ago
Our parents carry a lot of emotional burden by shielding us from the harsh realities of life; relationships, finances, purpose, faith, loss.
They bottle it up so we may live our childhood, and they derive joy from that as well.
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u/kkkccc1 23h ago
always wondered why my dad sacrificed so much for the family, for my mom even though she treated him like shit. he worked, supported the family, my mom's side of the family, endured loads of verbal abuse from my mom. he did it all, made sure my siblings and i got up early and went to school in the morning before going to work while my mom just slept and lazed at home. eventually, my dad died young, he never complained about anything. But i understood as i got older why he did that. To him, that was was his duty. it's something i grew up with and maybe inherited, but too bad my ex partner doesnt understand this at all and always thinks i have some ulterior motive when i do things for her and the family. She herself grew up in those families where everyone's out to get each other type. Calculative. Her family is the type where.. on the surface everything appears nice, but things can get ugly easily.
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u/ks2617 17h ago
How good my dad is.. financially support us as a welder and allow my mum to be stay at home housewife ( she used to work as a admin/ accountant) also maybe a reason he die of lung cancer as a non smoker. Welding fumes..he don’t smoke/drink nor gamble and he make sure we always have food.
However one of the lessons I take away is to make sure I am able to have a good life financially before having kids. I recalled having tooth decay and the dentist telling my dad, it’s either a root canal or extraction. Guess who came out with one less tooth and a hell lot of money needed for implants now..
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u/No_Condition_7438 16h ago
All the decisions we make in life is due to choices. She chooses to love a deadbeat son more than me and will never ever appreciate me. It will never change and I think I’ve come to terms with it.
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u/This_Club_1164 5h ago
They were also living life for the first time and tried their best to do what they thought was the best at that point in time...
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u/klkk12345 1d ago
they have sacrificed their youth and time for us when they could have been doing so many other things.
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u/NuuclearPasta 1d ago
They were the ones who wanted children. Sometimes tried very hard to have children. Abortion is legal here. Yes, I wish I was aborted so I don't have to be a working taxpayer. Why dont I kms? Because I'm doing very well in my life and have responsibilities to fulfill.
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u/nomonyedown 1d ago
Didn’t get the sega or playstation that i wanted. As i grow up i understand it was due to single income source as only dad is working to support the family.
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u/Early_Guava_3507 1d ago
I realised my parents are way cooler than I thought - grew up thinking they were stuffy but nope they’re anti establishment no wonder I turned out weird.
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u/Lagna85 1d ago
When you finally become a parent yourself then you will truly understand. Otherwise, you won’t understand
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u/doc_naf 1d ago
I’m not a parent. And I can understand well enough.
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u/Lagna85 1d ago
Trust me, you don’t.
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u/doc_naf 1d ago
That speaks more to your lack of education and imagination than anything else.
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u/Lagna85 22h ago
There is a saying only a parent will understand another parent. Wait till you become one, then you will laugh back at yourself for this reply.
And don’t forget, I WAS also single once and thought I knew everything like you now. Knowing and understanding are both 2 different things. You know, but you won’t understand
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u/doc_naf 22h ago
Actually I probably won’t become one. Because if I cannot give the child a good life in this country, it would be irresponsible to bring them into the world. If I think I could not handle a screaming colicky child with patience and love o should not have one. I look at myself and my capabilities and our society and decide whether it makes sense.
Did you never take care of a kid or think about the consequences before having one yourself?
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u/doc_naf 21h ago
Ok you deleted a reply and edited your comment. Maybe you didn’t know and understand before you became a parent.
I’ve helped raise many young kids in my family since I was a bit more than a child myself. I’ve seen them grow, and learn. I think it’s entirely possible to know and understand even if you’re not a parent.
Children are precious, and you will eat air while they have meat and sweets if you have to. You’ll burn yourself to protect their sweet skin, take abuse from others for your paycheck so they can have food and toys and smile and play. You will care deeply whether they believe in themselves and learn the correct values and you will do the best for them to succeed. When they grow and become professionals or parents themselves you feel pride in their accomplishments.
Maybe my generic love for all the children in my life is less strong than your love for your child. I’m not arguing about that.
I’m not saying you don’t love your kid. I’m just saying, it’s very possible for people without children of their own to know and understand.
I know many parents who never liked or played with kids, until they had one of their own, so maybe that’s who the saying is referring to.
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u/Lagna85 21h ago
I probably raised much more other kids than you since my mom is a full time babysitter. But let me tell you this, none of those experiences can compare to raising your own kid, not even 0.001% of it
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u/doc_naf 21h ago
Ok, why not share with us what it is that you realised or learned when you became a parent?
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u/Lagna85 20h ago
The extreme joy seeing your little self slowly growing up. It is a joy like no other with no words explainable. You have to experience it yourself to finally know it (the goods and bads). Then, you will finally know the meaning of only a parent will understand another parent.
If you are close to your own parents, just share to them our conversation and see how they react.
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u/doc_naf 20h ago
I’ve heard my parents say this before. And I’ve responded the way I have here.At least it sound s like you love your kid.
You understand there are many kinds of parents and your experience is not going to be the same as everyone else’s. Some parents resent or are indifferent to their children. the news just ran a story of a baby who was killed by his parents who shook him and smothered him until he died when he cried. He was not even 1 year old.
I think it would be wrong for me to have a child in Singapore with the world as it is, and my finances aren’t enough to give him or her a life of freedom. Better not to bring an innocent into this world to suffer. I guess we have to agree to differ on what a non parent can understand and feel.
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u/Wearywolf9696 1d ago
I’m 30 now, but I learned this the moment I started work. I cannot stress this enough. My mum is an actual super mum.
She worked full-time, made sure we had home-cooked food daily, was on top of our school work, did all the household chores AND taught us every skill we know (cycling, swimming, cooking, basic home maintenance). She had to come home most days and continue working too because of her job scope. She was very strict with us when we were young. She was also the main finance manager of our house. Heck she even got us “internships” at her work place when we were 16-17 which I later found out was her paying us from her own salary because there were no paid internship positions at her work place.
The best part? I didn’t even know we were considered “poor” when I was young because my mum made sure we had everything we wanted. Maybe not immediately, but she always made sure we had EVERYTHING we wanted eventually.
When I started working, I came home one day and cried in my room because I thought about how much my mum did after work. I was such a brat in my teenage years too. I really am so blessed to have a mother like mine.