Hello. Through all my research I can’t seem to find a straight answer. I’m 30, never had sex and don’t plan to, no history of cervical cancer in family (but yes ovarian cancer), and have had the gardasil vaccine.

I understand that in places like Australia and Canada doctors don’t recommend you get it, but here in the US I am CONSISTENTLY told I’m putting my health at extreme risk and almost feel bullied by my doctors. I attempted to have a smear when I was like 23, and it hurt so bad I couldn’t finish the exam and they told me to come back after I’ve had sex. I also felt extremely uncomfortable thinking about the exam for months afterwards and it would make me physically coil up and feel like I was violated. (Nothing the doctor did wrong, she was patient and even had someone come to hold my hand. I just can’t do it.)

I’m going to get a checkup on Monday and know this is going to come up. Do I need it? Does the risk outweigh my uncomfortableness?

WHY IS IT THAT ANYTIME SOMEONE IS CURIOUS ABOUT ASEXUALITY THEY JUST STRAIGHT UP SHAMELESSLY ASK ME ABOUT MASTURBATION??ILE GIRL WE JUST STARTED TALKING 30 MINUTES AGO WHAT IS THIS???

I know I probably shouldn’t be using Reddit as a reliable space for dating advice, but I was so shocked at home many people were rude, dismissive, and just pure mean to me all because I mentioned I am Ace. (27M)

One comment that bothered me most was when someone said “I hope nobody ever dates you, you are not normal”. Another one said “I would never love someone if they told me there were Ace, you guys don’t experience love”. A 3rd comment said “I hope she runs away from you and you never date again”.

I feel like there is a stigma for asexual men in particular that makes people feel okay to make fun of them?

I know I shouldn’t be upset by harmless Reddit comments, but it honestly did hurt me, and now I’m questioning even going on a first date with a girl I really really like. We matched on a dating app where I had the Ace/Demi tag in my bio, so she is aware of my sexuality. Should I just ignore all those comments and go on that date and do the best I can?

Sorry mods if this is not allowed, I’m just feeling very vulnerable and like I don’t belong or that I’m broken at the moment.

Ughh I’m 19 never been in any relationship I’ve known I was ace since I was 13. It just sucks why is it so difficult to find someone who doesn’t want sex. I hate the thought of a long distance relationship, I’ve never been in one why would I want my partner to be 1000 miles away from me.

32M asexual here. I absolutely detest handshakes and hugs from both genders. Yes, even from guys. Just dude... personal space PLEASE. How can I make these people understand. I can't even tell them about my asexality. I know some might think what handshaking has to do with asexuality.. It's JUST WHAT IT IS OKAY.

Also, one time I avoided handshake with a female colleague. She thought I was a Muslim.. Dear lord... OR A MISOGYNIST! LISTEN LADY I LOVE WOMEN! WOMEN ARE GORGEOUS, WOMEN ARE ELEGANT, WOMEN ARE SASSY.

I just don't want to have any physical contact!!! 6 feet please!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGG

Publicly im aroace. Privately and also Redditly apparently im an aromantic aegosexual.

Tbf does the public need to know my relationship to the concept of sex?

Everytime I see something about being asexual it's always about dragons cake garlic bread or invading Denmark and I can't feel connection to any of the jokes and people have previously said that I'm not asexual because I can't relate to any of the jokes and it just hurts to be told I'm not asexual by other asexuals and I just want a place to be asexual without people being so mean to me

I just do not think of myself as queer. I can be romantically and emotionally attracted to women (I am a man) and find them and their bodies attractive, I just am not sexually attracted to them or have a desire to have sex with them. Idk maybe I'm just spouting straight bullshit (non intended pun) but I've always just thought of myself as a straight dude who doesn't particularly care for sex. I'm afraid it comes from a place of internal homophobia as a practicing Catholic who used to be kind of homophobic when I was in middle school. I've also had bad experience with sex so it may just be that. I wasn't abused or anything I was just younger and stupider than I am now and thought that if my girlfriend asked me to the normal thing to do would be to fuck her. If I'm just schizo and overthinking it, please let me know.

Sorry if I'm using the wrong tag but considering I can't use multiple I figured this might be appropriate since I saw previous posts semi related to the question.

So I'm a 20yr old male who's been fairly sure I'm aro/ace(demi at most) but I've always had a high urge if that makes sense? I used to masturbate and then the urges went away but it felt kinda disgusting after idk if it's the proof on my hand, or getting no joy from the release and just doing it so the urge goes away.

I doubt it's me being interested in sex, my only experience I ended up liking her more than the sex.

But I recently went to my local Walgreens (for an entirely separate thing) and ended up coming across an isle dedicated to sexual wellness and saw male toys which I'd never really considered before.

I saw a lot of women asking about toys but not a lot of men asking or commenting about them so I was wondering has anyone been in a similar situation? Would toys be healthier than just masturbating to get the urge over with?

(22, she/they) i’ve been out as a lesbian for awhile, but i have never had sex. i feel like the fantasy of sex sounds great and i have a libido and feel a need for release sometimes but when it comes to the idea of actually doing something with someone i find it kind of terrifying/kind of gross potentially?? i don’t know how to tell if i am asexual or just inexperienced. i’ve identified as demi for awhile as i rarely experience attraction/have crushes.

i’m potentially entering into a relationship with someone who is also on the ace spec and also has no specific label. i guess i’m nervous, right now i’m super chill not having sex, but what if later i decide i really do want to try it out and they don’t? or vise versa? however in the past i’ve also felt anxious entering a relationship with someone who is solidly allo, because again, i have no idea what i want my relationship with sex to be.

me and this person get along perfectly in almost every single aspect so it’s just scary. the idea of this becoming a problem later on.

i dont know how to tell if sex is a curiosity thing for me or something i actually want. like obviously i can live without it as i have for my whole life, but it’s like something i think i might want to try with the right person. but since i have no solid evidence either way its like no matter what i’m scared to start a relationship with someone. i’m scared if i date an asexual ill end up completely out freaking them and we won’t be compatible. and i’m scared if i date an allosexual i wont be able to give them what they want because i am not actually a freak.

what i know without a doubt, is i want is love and partnership and intimacy. i want that. the fact that sex is also a factor makes relationships really scary to me

does this make any sense at all 😭😭 anyone with similar experiences have advice.

I am a 30 ish man who has identified as gay, but has been realizing that I am probably more ace in a lot of ways (I currently think of myself as aegosexual.) I enjoy the fantasy of imagining sex but not with me as part of it. I do imagine myself cuddling a guy romantically but when I try to picture me being involved with sex I don't feel very good about it at all. I have a lot of sexual and romantic trauma from my past and right now haven't really been looking for a partner. However, I am also doing therapy to try and heal and maybe my opinions on that will shift over time.

I have had a friend (trans woman) for several years now who I have gotten quite close with emotionally. When I first met her she had not transitioned yet and was living as a man. She is pan and expressed some romantic interest in me. I told her I didn't feel that way about her and just wanted to be friends. She respected that and I did put some distance in our relationship after that because I have a hard time trusting anyone who is interested in me that way (trauma :).

Since then we have gradually grown closer. She has also transitioned and is a wonderful woman. Not gonna lie, this made me feel a lot safer with her, as I just feel safer with woman and since I am not really into women I don't have to worry about things going anywhere. We would get together every weekend and go to bars/restaurants and talk. I love to hype up her outfits and the new changes in her body as exciting as I really want her to be happy. I am pretty feminine and like to be one of the girls. However, as we have gotten closer she has been getting more attached to me and I believe is starting to have feelings for me.

I will confess the things we often do together look like dates and we constantly have people thinking we are a couple. We have talked about what we are on several occasions and have struggled to pin it down because emotionally we are probably as close as some people that date, just there isn't anything else to it. I am totally fine with it being there. I like the label "friends with emotional benefits".

However, gradually things have started to change and I get the sense she is seeing us as more than friends for a couple months. It started subtle with little comments here and there that I would ignore. However, recently on an evening when we went out my friend got very drunk and started talking a little more freely. It seems she fully thinks we are dating. She asked questions about what I would want from a romantic relationship and if I would want kids etc. I answered the questions honestly and also said that I wasn't really comfortable with the idea that we were dating. She said something like "no shit" and seems to attribute my discomfort around dating to my trauma. Which is fair but I also don't see her like that. I think she thinks that I do want a romantic relationship with her, but it is just my trauma holding me back, but when it comes down to it I don't want that.

I want to be friends, but I don't want to hurt her at the same time. Although I acknowledge it is probably too late for that. I did send her a text a couple days after all that went down and told her that I felt pretty uncomfortable after everything that happened and I would need some space to figure out what was going on. I told her I really only saw what was between us as platonic. She thumbs it up and didn't respond. After talking to her a couple days ago it is clear she doesn't want to have this conversation now. So I am waiting a little bit.

Any thoughts on how to approach this?

Hi all!

I wanted to ask about desirability, as in "a strong feeling of wanting or longing." It's so often associated with sexual attraction, but for ace folks, I imagine there's many other ways to feel that magnetism.

So I was wondering if folks here could talk about what longing for or being pulled toward their partner feels like for them?

-- just an allo partner, looking to unpack "undesirability" baggage

I just got a new magic the gathering precon because I was into TCGs a while ago and my friend recently got into magic. Being a good friend I decided to get back into TCGs and ask to play a game this weekend. Told my family I was going to a friend's house (who happens to be a girl) and they all went "oooooo is it a date" and "is she really just a friend." Hell my sister went on to make a bet saying I'd marry her in 20 years. And this is on top of when I told them about her adding me on Instagram about half a year ago and having the exact same reactions.

Like I just want to play a game of EDH guys

Hi, I (18AFAB, Genderfluid) am neurodivergent.

I have ADHD, OCD, self-diagnosed Misophonia, undiagnosed Dyscalculia, undiagnosed Dysgraphia (my mom tried to get bring this up to my elementary school—I switched the 3rd year and she brought it up one final time. The OT during my IEP meeting (ADHD) stated how “It wasn’t necessary as every kid their age starts writing in the middle of the page, not at the edge when starting a sentence…also every kid their age also has terrible writing.” Thanks a lot, OT. You also wanted me to rewrite the same word 20 times..) anyways, and I used to Maladaptive Daydream. I also recently discovered I have contact dermatitis to Red 40…but that’s unimportant! I’m getting off track.

The main focus is ADHD and OCD (possibly a warning for intrusive thought mention?) Also with the fact that I am a micro-premie (born three months early) and I develop or go into certain stages (hormones and realizations/obsessions) in my life later. Somehow puberty has been normal.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD since I was in second grade. I ended up switching schools in third grade as the teacher didn’t really know how to deal with my meltdowns. I spent a lot of my childhood daydreaming. When I neared my senior year I found myself wondering: “Why do I still daydream? It’s the same story, I want to know why.” So I stopped and then I started getting strange, disgusting thoughts which caused me to remember that I had this happen in the past as well.

I went through a few more stages where I would daydream but I didn’t realize that my symptoms were OCD until I came across a community post made by a YouTuber friend(?) about OCD in August of my senior year. The symptoms aligned with mine, so I commented. She wrote back to me that it sounds like I have it but needed to get diagnosed.

This whole time I thought OCD was just the misconception…that it was just putting things in order…super obsessively.

I ended up getting so concerned for my mental state that my mom got me a therapist who would evaluate me. II got officially diagnosed in early August right before I moved for college.

I end up getting a lot of intrusive thoughts. Some id rather not say, but some of them like POCD and before I realized what it was I thought I was a monster. My mom probably just thought I had a wild imagination when o hold her that “mean future me wants me to do this!” But a lot of the time I thought that if u didn’t do something the world would end or my loved ones would die.

This is probably not the subreddit to go to for this, but what’s great is that these intrusive thoughts make us people with OCD less likely to do this stuff! It could probably happen in some case but not usually.

Before this, I didn’t really find myself feeling a sexual attraction to anyone, same as now, but that could’ve been because I was young…but I heard that teens like to experiment with that stuff.

After I experienced the intrusive thoughts, I stumbled upon the term “Orchidsexual.” Sounded about right.

But this? This is two in one and goes more in depth!

I am so confused about my sexuality. I am pretty sure I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum and after a lot of research and time spent pondering I think I might be aegosexal. I get aroused by erotic content and I enjoy masterbation.

However (and I don’t know if this is relevant or not) I can’t get off. It could be many factors (ie lack of knowledge how it, medication, and being repulsed by the idea of acually getting off). And I think something that stands out my me (and maybe this me going down on a random tangent) but I am repulsed by the idea of sex and getting off. I am not aroused by the actual idea of sex in real life. BUT if I’m imagining it between 2 other people/characters then I get aroused.

I just don’t know. I’m so confused and could really use all the help I can get because I’m not comfortable talking to anyone about this in my life

as the title suggests, I'm curious whether there are people who'd been hypersexual as a child and/or teen but later lost all interest in sex.

for context I am a 23y/o man and had been pathologically addicted to masturbating/sex since I was a very young child. though hypersexuality in children seems to be somewhat associated with abuse, especially sexual abuse, I have not been through such experiences at all and yet I'd been the literal definition of hypersexual growing up. obviously my parents were concerned and they tried to help but unfortunately their intervention only taught me to be more discreet about my sexual activities. so yeah, I would think of sex all day, masturbate (and later have actual sex) whenever I had the opportunity, etc.

naturally I grew immensely ashamed of this over time, especially since I learned that what I was doing was not normal quite early on. yet there seemed to be no way to fix this... until I turned 19.

ofc my sexual thoughts/desires weren't just snuffed out all at once, but over the span of a few months it gradually subsided and then just stopped existing entirely. like I just don't feel interested in sex anymore. the idea is not appealing (though tbf it's not disgusting either, I literally feel nothing about it) and porn or other sexual contents started coming across as boring or distasteful.

to be honest this is much better than the crazed state I'd been living in until recent years so by no means do I want a 'cure' for this situation, but still I can't help wondering what exactly happened in my brain. did I burn through all my innate sex drive that I was supposed to ration out throughout my lifetime? or perhaps I'm subconsciously associating sex with shame now? the latter seems unlikely because I feel no aversion, but still, I'd love to hear of similar experiences, if there are any.

Hello! So I don’t know why, but I was thinking about pride and asexual themed merchandise, and now I’m wondering what everyone’s favorite little reference to asexuality is. A few I know of are the black rings and the cake/garlic bread jokes. Are there any other (potentially more niche) references that y’all like? What is your favorite?

I'm struggling to find I am truly asexual or if its a mix between childhood sexual trauma and very low self esteem.

Part of me has always felt I haven't had any sexual relationships- or serious relationships due to the fact I have severe low self esteem, lack of experience, and some past trauma. However more recently informed have began to think i might be asexual.

One of my more recent relationships I was kissed and then the guy started to get really touchy in public and I just played it cool and ended the night very quickly. I immediately got in the car and just bawled. Ive only kissed a very few people in my life (nothing past that) and I feel absolutely nothing. I dont even like to kiss. I find sex interesting- almost like the mechanics of it, how you feel, how you even get to that point, what things look or feel like, but the thought of it almost repulses me thinking of my self doing it or recieveing. In my head id like to find a partner to finally have sex with but in reality anytime anything came close I break up or ghost. I even thought at one point it was just men and Im really actually attractive to women. But I think deep down I dont want anything truly physical with any gender. I think its just the thought of it and the social stigma with a 34 year old virgin with no experience that keeps me going back and forth.

Is this because of my own personal issues or am I asexual? Ive read a lot of information but struggling to find something that hits both trauma and self esteem.

Any advice, personal experience, or further reading or podcast would be great. Just looking for some direction and answers for myself.

I was looking up stuff online and the term internalized aphobia came up, as well as asexual guilt. It could be either or both of those things for me, to be honest I'm not even 100% sure I'm asexual. I've identified as ace spec for a little while now, the label seemed fitting right at the start.

It still does but what I'm trying to say is I don't have it 100% figured out and confirmed, who knows, might be something else entirely. Taking it as the most likely option, I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere around there, closer to demisexual probably.

I know it might sound stupid of me to feel guilt about it, I haven't had any sexual or romantic experiences ever irl. I was the fat and weird kid so Iykyk. As time passed I've just resorted to willingly excluding myself from most of the stereotypical teenage experiences, missing out on like 99% at this point. I isolated myself and did all kinds of other things which is a whole different conversation.

Sorry for writing an essay length intro I just wanted to get that out of the way ig it's relevant.

I couldn't tell you I had any kind of trauma or anything of that sort (like a bad irl experience) to make me feel this bad about it. I've been online since Idk what age and doing this and that for a long time now. I don't remember not one instance where someone made me feel/think that I'm not good enough, sexual enough, interesting enough, etc. I feel like I'm the only one who was ever beating down on myself for how my sexuality functions.

I have this one kink, I won't go into detail or anything, but it takes enduring obviously harmful effects short and longer lasting just to feel somewhat "in the mood" for a very limited amount of time. I force myself through it before and during, I get to talk to someone, feel valued, desired, worthy. Afterwards, as short as it lasts, I feel wrong, grossed out at myself for anything I did (involving said kink or not), and my body is sore. I feel dirty and I just want someone to hold me, reassure me that I never had to do that in the first place and I never will again.

All of that weirdly specific touch starved stuff aside, the guilt for doing all that and still not being near enough of a turn on (in my mind) is getting worse. I don't know why it's been getting worse lately, I feel bad and guilty about many things but this one has been getting to me for some reason. I rarely cry much (PMS aside) but this hurts so much, it makes me feel worthless and useless to my core.

I can't tell why? I almost feel stupid for feeling like this, because nothing bad happened to me, for me to be like this. Not one bad situation or bad conversation, online and especially not irl. Everyone I've ever talked to like that has been nothing but nice to me. I go online to reach out and get that kind of validation from those kinds of people time and time and time again.

I don't see how it's different this time yet the guilt and feelings of worthlessness intensified so much lately. No one is demanding anything of me, no one is expressing dissapointment, disinterest, nothing bad. Nothing that should make me feel so bad, but I can't help it. My insecurity around sexual stuff/sexuality is so high it takes almost nothing for me to overthink, and then my brain goes into a worthless spiral. The same logic as an overall insecure person heavily overthinking another's texts, tone, words, etc.

I don't know what it is or why, it just hurts a lot. I haven't come across or thought of there being a term "internalized aphobia" but I guess it checks out. I have no idea. I'm sorry for saying so much, I'm not sure If I want advice, or thoughts, or someone to listen. I guess it's worth a shot leaving these thoughts in a space meant for people like me.

I didn’t knew where to post this and what I saw from « relationship » sub wasn’t relatable to me, I’m Demi and my partner is ACE we’ve been dating for a while and they’ve been the best thing happening to me in forever. As our relationship grew and months went by I started to want more intimacy with the person and they are indifferent mostly to touch and said that they might be ACE. I am very understanding of that and they bring me so much happiness anyway. Sex is something I enjoy but has never been the most important thing to me, I enjoy the non sexual intimacy we share a lot and tbh it’s better than the sex I’ve had with previous straight partner, but still our difference still make me anxious

It’s hard to picture how the relationship might turn at this point because I don’t know anyone with similar experience, so I’m looking for people that might’ve had similar experience and how did it turn out for them !

I met one time a woman wanted me so much she wanted children with me was not possible for my asexuality and the sex was the worst thing ever happened to me. Now I'm trying searching but is difficult so I'm alone. My uncle has 62 years is alone, I know people in my small town who died alone but they were fine to be alone. Maybe my destiny until the end of life will be to be alone. I do not know if in future robots will replace humans. But in terms of humanity maybe we will be alone.

Hi guys! I am 27F from South Asia. I have been facing serious pressure from family to marry. I have been talking to a 28M but I find no attraction to him. Problem is I think I am demi sexual. I have been only attracted sexually to one guy in my 27 years of life. I find it very hard to emotionally attach to a man and without the emotional attachment the thought of sleeping with him just feels revolting. I failed to form attachment with any man I saw from biodata pictures. I think meeting them would have a different effect but what if I do meet them and still unable to feel anything. My family might push to proceed with the marriage. They are very traditional. I don't understand myself. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but I don't find any man attractive. I tried thinking if I am into girls but I am not. I only ever fantasized with men. I am just not into any real men. How can I form attachment to real men?