r/ainbow • u/self-discover • 10d ago
Advice This can't be normal...
EDIT: I have deleted the original message due to so many replies and views, but thank you all for your help and advice. It is refreshing to hear so many different perspectives.
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u/podotash 10d ago
"I probably failed to show my little girl how deeply a man can love her"
Um excuse me what the fuck. That is not a normal way for a father to feel about his daughter. I have a dad who is just like this and he's always been a creep. Keep yourself safe.
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u/Persequor 10d ago
Honestly this gives you a LOT to work with as far as if you want to attempt to have contact with your parents. granted, no-contact is always an option (if you are financially free to do so). I obviously dont agree with his overall sentiment, but he is at least explaining to you his point of view.
approaching this conversation from where he is at (christian values, the social norms of where he grew up, etc) would be a good place to start. emphasize that things change between generations, maybe look into the history of your culture and find examples of changes from archaic practices that your dad could understand.
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u/La-matya-vin 10d ago
Oof that hurts. You’ll have to decide what to do. I think going no contact is valid.
Personally I would not do that. I would set boundaries.
My response, if I was trying to give grace, would look like this: “Thank for taking the time to explain your thoughts and feelings. It makes me deeply sad to realize your love for me has always been this conditional. College did not change me, it taught me how to think critically. I did not forget myself, I found ways to accept myself as I truly am, something you are apparently incapable of doing. It hurts my heart to hear how much fear you are burdened with, and your misguided, horrific and inaccurate views of gay people. We have always existed. God made us this way, he loves us just as we are.
I’m grateful for everything you have done for me. I am sorry you feel disappointed by me not living according to your expectations. I do not belong to you. I am going to live my life as my true self in accordance with my values, not yours. If you’d like to negotiate a way to move forward, [insert boundary here]. I love you.” If that feels true right now.
I would look for resources geared toward Christians that speak on LGBTQ history and acceptance into God’s love, or something like that, and send it to him.
People are too quick to cut each other off. Sometimes family can change over time. It’s a difficult path, though. You don’t have to subject yourself to that if you don’t want.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are strong!
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u/-ghostinthemachine- 10d ago
I don't think you're ever going to change this man's mind, but it does give the gift of insight, and enough perhaps to make peace for the rest of their misguided existence.
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u/Jasmisne 10d ago
So if you do end up keeping contact, let me share what my wife does: grey rocking. They don't get to say anything about that stuff. You can talk about other things, and if they go off on something religious or political, you dont respond. That has let us have a sort of relationship and it works for us.
Whatever you decide works for you is valid.
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u/plotthick 10d ago
Do whatever makes you comfortable. He's proven he's not part of your inner circle going forward, so maybe later he'll see the light... or not. Doesn't matter. He's part of your past now, behind you. Low contact at least, but that's what I'd do for me.
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u/Redshirt2386 8d ago
Old lesbian with two cats and smoking weed? Don’t threaten me with a good time. 🤷
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u/york100 9d ago
Your dad doesn't seem to care enough to write down his own words and instead outsourced his emotions to ChatGPT, which is just weak and pathetic.
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u/Bright_Ices 8d ago
Older people genuinely use more em-dashes and ellipses than younger people do. It’s their writing the robots were trained on.
This long ass message seems much too personal and enraged to be an LLM.
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u/hateboresme 9d ago edited 9d ago
You get to determine what your no contact limit is. Edit: I read the last line and think it means hope.
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u/manuel89tw 8d ago
I’m all for cutting ties with family members who don't accept you and judge you, but the fact that your dad is keeping the door open means something. I think he deserves a chance—one where you reply to his letter and try to help him see that this isn't a phase or a trend. It’s almost funny how people think LGBTQ+ folks just 'forgot' tradition or 'forgot' how to be straight.
Sitting down, gathering your thoughts, and writing them out might help him open his mind. Honestly, written communication is often the best way to get through to someone, and it's worth a shot.
In your reply, you could explain your fears, your insecurities, and what it was like growing up with them. You could also ask him where his Christian compassion is for people who, in his home country, were imprisoned for something they couldn't control. Remind him that this is about love, tenderness, and affection—how can any of that justify violence and hostility? How can one form of love be suppressed with violence?
Asking these kinds of questions while sharing your story and your life could really help build a bridge toward empathy.
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u/SenorSplashdamage 8d ago
We know that manipulative media can directly target people with other mental health or personality disorder issues. It’s not the ideology itself, but the emotional weaponry employed that then uses the ideology as weapon, shield or coping strategy.
If you haven’t yet, talk to a skilled mental health professional about your dad’s patterns. It’s best to get validation and better explanations early on what wiring he might have that creates this kind of output to his own kid. Trying to sort the details of brains making arguments like this is crazy making in itself. No contact is valid. For your own psyche having to deal with a mentally disturbed parent, highly recommend doing the deep dive into what kind of mental health issues he has. Part of this is that mental illness and toxic media happened to him. That’s not for sympathy but for just grappling with how things can play out in this world that aren’t fair and we can’t always change. He needs intervention in cutting off his toxic media sources, but that’s not in your realm to be able to make that happen.
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u/louievee 8d ago
Wow. I couldn’t finish that. I am sorry this is your reality. It’s time for you to make your own life. Create your own family. It’s not easy. But it will be beautiful. And loving and happy.
Maybe one day he will come around. But if not you have a long and fulfilling and loving life ahead of you. Make it your own and enjoy it.
And that BS about the rainbow.
Remember WE ARE the rainbow. We are love. We are the colors of the universe. Go shine. ❤️🌈❤️🌈❣️
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u/Tinkboy98 9d ago
I think no contact is too soon based on his reply. This seems like the writing of a man confused by how life has changed from what he grew up expecting. The fact that he closes with "our home is open to you and your partner", to me, says he wants to understand and be supportive, but needs time and education. You clearly are a different woman than he expected you to be. Give him time to adapt.
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u/ikonoclasm Gay 10d ago
I'd stop taking him seriously and just respond in the most scandalous way possible.
"But Daddy, you know how amazing pussy tastes! Can you blame me? I have no more desire to suck a dick than you do."
If he counters that he does want to suck a dick but doesn't because God, then you know he's a closet case which explains why he's so intolerant.
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u/sparklingspace_ 10d ago
Yep this is grounds for no-contact. He's failed his basic duty as a father: loving his kids unconditionally.