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u/SpicyStrawberryJuice 3d ago
one of my fears tho is cutting myself too much slack. idk yet how to balance discipline and accountability with realistic expectations and rest.
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u/genobeam 3d ago
You're not struggling because of lack of discipline, you're struggling because of a neurological disorder. You can't fix that by being hard on yourself.
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u/Palazzo505 3d ago
Nobody here expects to "fix" a neurological disorder. We're just trying to make it through the day and for a lot of us, that neurological disorder manifests as a lack of discipline which is what makes getting through the day a struggle.
"You're not dying of smoke inhalation, you're dying because your house is on fire."
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u/genobeam 3d ago
The root of the issue is not attitude or motivation, it's neurology. There are strategies to mitigate the disorder, but treating it as a failure of discipline is often counter-productive.
I.e. "I did not finish xyz task. I must be undisciplined. I will self criticize to teach myself to power through next time" is not an effective method to overcome the disorder.
Instead, it's important to recognize that certain tasks are just going to be more difficult to do compared to neurotypical people and it's not because they're more disciplined. We might need extra help to do certain tasks. Recognizing the reason it's hard and giving yourself grace actually makes it easier to approach those tasks, because it removes the pressure of receiving self criticism
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u/Slazagna 3d ago
Disciplin does factor into it and pretending nothing is to do with discipline can also be damaging. Thats what the people above are saying. It's a hard balance to strike. Even nuro typical people struggle with discipline. So if you have a disorder that can also manifest as a seeming lack of discipline, cutting yourself slack can in fact then result in letting the actual discipline aspect of the behavior laps.
Its hard ro find the line and the balance. Thats what they are saying.
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u/genobeam 2d ago
I am addicted to this sudoku-like game called star battle. Once I start, hours just disappear. I understand that this is a limitation for me so I need to be diligent about not falling into that trap in the first place.
You need to know your limitations and understand they aren't reflections on your character, they're symptoms of a physiological disorder. Understanding those limits makes it easier to find actual solutions. For that issue I use an app blocker. If I was more disciplined I wouldn't need that kind of solution. But the root of the issue isn't discipline, it's ADHD.
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u/Slazagna 2d ago edited 2d ago
But theres an important distinction here that you're overlooking.
By setting these boundaries and using the tools you need you are actually being disciplined and as disciplined as you need to be. So I completely disagree with your idea that if you were more disciplined you wouldn't need it.
If for example you started to forget to set these boundaries and got more relaxed about them. Then started sinking hours into the game and saying oh well I shouldn't be hard on myself, I have ADD, I cant help it. Then you would be slipping into undisciplined territory.
What we are saying is there is a line and finding and walking that line is important and can be difficult.
You seem to actually be understanding and doing exactly what we are trying to articulate without realizing it.
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u/genobeam 2d ago
Then started sinking hours into the game and saying oh well I shouldn't be hard on myself, I have ADD, I cant help it. Then you would be slipping into undisciplined territory.
I agree with what you're saying but this is the part where I draw a distinction. Being 'hard on myself' doesn't address the problem. Acknowledging that there is a problem is different than being hard on myself. For me, being hard on myself looks more like "I'm going to be late because I lost my keys. I probably put them somewhere really dumb, I'm such an idiot. If I wasn't so stupid I wouldn't have lost them."
That negative self talk is doing nothing to actually provide a solution and is actually harming me and those around me. Same with wasting time on a game. "I'm so undisciplined how could I just let that happen. I really just need to care more about what I'm doing. I must be lazy" <- doesn't help.
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u/Slazagna 2d ago
I agree with that and I think the language i used wasnt the best. What I was trying to say is that you shouldn't cut yourself so much slack that you dont hold yourself accountable, rather than you should beat yourself up. Theres a middle ground between being too hard on yourself and being too soft on yourself.
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u/genobeam 2d ago
To me accountability and self compassion ("slack") are completely separate concepts. I can have both accountability and self compassion, and in fact self compassion can even help me be more accountable. If you can't forgive yourself, you're going to be more likely to make excuses and dodge responsibility.
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u/denim_skirt 3d ago
Sure but being mean to yourself about being neurodivergent doesnt make you any less neurodivergent, it just makes you feel worse while being the same amount of neurodivergent
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u/Aisenth 3d ago
I have seen this also summed up as something like "if being hard on yourself helped, wouldn't it have worked by now?"
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u/jackaroo1344 3d ago
Ah so you're saying the secret is to be even more hard on myself?
I knew that would finally fix me one of these days
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u/Shacrow 2d ago
Well said and good example. Taking the easy way will not get rid of the problem.
To continue that example: Use a tool like a smoke mask or wet cloth, call the fire department and accept their help. Don't just sit there and watch the building burn away slowly. Also learn how to prevent a fire to start.
This all can be applied well for ADHD struggles. Let's use time blindness as an example.
Use a calender or to-do list, ask your partner to help to remind you, set off alarms with notes (I use siri to start a ton of alarms with notes and I see exactly what the alarm was for if I forgot it).
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u/BioshockEnthusiast 3d ago
My wife always tells me to be nice to myself and I try but this fucking irreverant auto-pilot ass brain of mine makes it hard.
I'm extremely grateful to her for the reminders because I genuinely need them some days. Even if I can't escape the mean thoughts she gives me something to fight back with and most days that's enough to get by.
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u/MZ603 3d ago
That’s how you exacerbate anxiety. Two best things I did were
1) get medicated in my 20s for ADHD - despite being diagnosed in elementary & middle school (there was a stigma around kids who were medicated). I also sought help for anxiety at my now wife’s urging.
2) leaving a job I was not well suited to despite high pay and going back to school to launch a career in a field that came naturally for me. I was already spending my free time reading, researching, and following current events, so I went into security studies. I can sit down and spend hours developing a brief.
I don’t blame my parents, the stigma was real, and I probably would have ended up in special ed full time, rather than just for spelling. Because I was higher functioning, the half hour I spent in special ed each day was spent doing packets & my spelling didn’t really improve, because I was also dyslexic. I’m 100% sure there were other kids with ADHD in my school who were high enough achievers that they also didn’t end up with any real support for it.
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u/genobeam 3d ago
The standard for receiving systematic support is demonstrable negative impacts caused by the disorder. High achieving kids often don't meet that standard even if they have obvious symptoms. As a parent it's not trivial to get supports that you know would help, especially if your kid is a high achiever
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u/MZ603 2d ago
I think they felt bad when I told them I was reassessed and prescribed medication. I struggled early in college, and I think being medicated would have helped, and I probably should have been reassessed then. I don't remember being informed that I had ADHD, though it's entirely possible that they had told me. They gave me my testing documentation when I was home visiting 6/7 years ago.
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u/genobeam 3d ago
Self-criticism is more destructive then constructive.
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u/genobeam 3d ago
Are you sure self-criticism is the thing preventing those outcomes?
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u/vi0l3t-crumbl3 3d ago
I don't know how it works for you, but the only way I get the adulting done that absolutely has to get done is a combination of meds and forcing myself to power through what feels like actual physical pain.
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u/goedegeit 3d ago
For me I did that for years and now I am recovering from burnout that's putting me in a very precarious position.
Stress isn't some abstract variable that just feels kinda bad, it has a huge impact on your body and ability to survive. It's a factor you absolutely have to learn to manage and not just "power through" or else you're going to do real long term damage to your mind and your body.
I know it's hard to believe unless you've been through it, but you really have to understand that there are really bad negative consequences from ignoring your body's warning signals for too long.
People will tell you to ignore them because you can do it in the short term and they don't have to deal with the consequences of it in the long term, so they don't care.
It is hard for us, but there are lots of ways we can work smarter instead of just "harder" that you can learn gradually over time. Sometimes we do have to power through things, but you need to be aware of the cost of doing so.
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u/vi0l3t-crumbl3 3d ago
I know about burnout.
I have three kids. I don't have a choice.
I do things to try to manage stress. Exercise. Meditation. But that doesn't change how hard it is to make my brain do what needs to be done and unless something changes, like all of a sudden I'm assigned a personal assistant I don't have to pay for myself, that's how it's going to remain.
Disabled people pay the price for their disability. There's no way around it, and people who wag a finger at us about how we're going to pay the price if we don't magically change our ways are just ignoring reality.
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u/genobeam 2d ago
The message here isn't that it isn't hard or that you can't do anything about it. The message is that your disability is not a reflection of your character. Absolutely reflect on ways to do what needs to be done, but don't beat yourself up while you're doing that.
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u/genobeam 3d ago
What does 'forcing yourself to power through' entail? For me when I tried a more brute-force strategy it only internalized my failures and made me less motivated to try things that could lead to failure. It also increased a general negative self view that had negative impacts to my life in general.
Now when I fail at something I acknowledge that it's not a reflection on my value as a person. I don't question my level of dedication or discipline. I do reflect on what I could do differently to help me succeed, but none of those solutions involve changing internal characteristics.
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u/genobeam 3d ago
Self reflection and self criticism are different things. You can reflect on your failures and take steps to improve without beating yourself up.
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u/sunsetsandstardust 3d ago
no but I sure can get a whole shit ton more done in a day by being hard on myself. maybe burnout will get me one day, but for now I'm white-knuckling through each day and honestly fuckin killing it
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u/Wickedinteresting 3d ago edited 3d ago
I did this through my twenties, crushed it, won awards, got a dream job offer, kept crushing it, and then at 31 the burnout hit so bad I lost my dream job and fell into a big depression that I’m only now clawing out of. It was shocking and devestating.
I see myself in your comment lol.
Give yourself at least a little slack. Let your days off be days off.
Be driven, not unkind to yourself.
I think you CAN be an overacheiever and not burn out, if you thread the needle carefully and are compassionate to yourself.
I’m wishing you well and hope you can keep killing it, sustainably.
Sorry for the unsolicited advice lol. Just really related to this.
Edit to add: felt like for years I had to “keep myself in check” or else. While it did serve me externally, that mental framing inherently is infantilizing and self-destructive. Works for a while until you just can’t anymore.
Currently trying to reframe it as “keeping myself going” and being nicer internally, while still having high standards and expectations.
I’m not a failure if I screw up, I’m not inherently dogshit lazy, I’ve learned that I want to work hard, I love being busy. Recognizing that helped me feel less like I’m trying to ‘reign in an errant fool all the time’ and more like I’m trying to ‘maintain the conditions that allow me to thrive’.
This made it easier for me to be a little kinder in my head, which is annoyingly important.
Dunno if this will help anyone else but hope it might.
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u/Not-An-OF-account 3d ago
Did this too.
In one month the burnout will have crippled me for about ten years total.
Broke and living off of other people's money.But if sunsetsandstardust is anything like me they will be functionally unable to take any of that advice in, and will simply have to find out exactly when THEY will crash.
And I sincerely hope they'll suffer way less than I did, and still do.
There is no guarantee you ever come back from burnout.
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u/Charming-Loquat3702 3d ago
Being hard on yourself doesn't fix your brain, but it can help to get the thing done that needs doing. Just mske sure to use this not too often
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u/GammaFan 3d ago edited 3d ago
It comes down to response to event. Having a setback is fine, cratering your life over it less so. Not as a moral judgement, but from the practical standpoint that there’s things you need access to in order to function in daily life. Clean clothes, cooked food, a roof over your head, a clean enough home to live in, government documents that need your information to keep your taxes paid and ids valid.
If you forget to change the laundry, but respond by changing it after the fact; cut yourself slack instead of catastrophizing and letting it ruin the whole day.
Basically, treat yourself with the same compassion you’d give someone else with the same condition. As long as they continue making the effort despite setbacks, give them some slack and compassion. If they’re struggling too much to function, consider alternatives that could help them rather than just compassion, though you should still be compassionate. Kindness is essential but should never be a pass for complete inaction if the goal is to support yourself.
It’s not a lack of discipline, that’s coming down too hard on the other side of things. The goal is to get whatever objectives required for daily life done by any means necessary. Order food if you need to eat but can’t cook, ask for help if you just can’t get chores done on a bad day, order an uber if you can’t drive but have some place you need to be. That kind of thing.
The biggest stumbling block for me is that there’s no finish line for when something is handled and never needs to be dealt with ever again so it feels endless, but that also means it’s never too late to fix whatever isn’t working for you.
Being unnecessarily critical and hard on yourself just wastes your own energy. It’s not worth it.
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u/CoolGovernment8732 3d ago
Yeah, I know this fear all too well.
I will say this though: I’ve found that it’s safer to err on the side of caution in terms of rest. Meaning that overexerting ourselves is way more damaging than too much rest. So when in doubt, listen to you body and rest.
This should of course follow a general sense of moderation, e.g. if you’ve done nothing but real for weeks it’s ok to assume you may be overdoing it and may wanna push yourself to do something, anything.
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u/MoistenedGranola 3d ago
This is a thing I think about regularly, too. On days when I struggle to do anything productive or when I start to feel OK but then compare my career progress to my colleagues and friends and realize how little I truly get done, I wonder if somehow I "cut myself TOO MUCH slack" and now I'm too comfortable with being "lazy" and unmotivated. Hell, I'm having one of those days today. Which is why I wanted to comment: This is as much for you to hear as it is for me.
Think that way doesn't fucking help. It's just another way of being hard on yourself. If we could discipline and accountability and grindset and compare ourselves to others into being neurotypical, we already would have done it. It. Does. Not. Work.
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u/MeisterFluffbutt 3d ago
This. So much this. I'm at a point where i just think i'm the issue. Ofc people tell me I'm not but damn sometimes it's just not convincing lol.
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u/Lark_vi_Britannia 3d ago
This is probably why I have a perfectionism problem.
Whenever I cut myself slack, it's a majorly bad thing to do. I'll slack all the time. I won't put any effort towards whatever it is.
But if I hold myself to impossible standards, I'll at least have the motivation to do something and try to be better
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u/boomballoonmachine 3d ago
- Stay employed enough to pay for your lifestyle
- Don’t hurt yourself/others or abuse substances
- Don’t live beyond your means (ie taking on consumer debf for impulse purchases)
If you can manage those things you are probably fine. Who cares if you’re fat or your house is messy or your career / savings could be better? With medication I believe all three of the above are possible for most people whose only issue is ADHD.
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u/Bomb-OG-Kush 3d ago
Literally me
I'm the kind of guy that gives myself an inch and ima take a whole damn mile
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u/vi0l3t-crumbl3 3d ago
I was just contemplating this. I do that "can't do the fun thing until I do the hateful thing so I don't do either" song and dance a lot. Yesterday I let myself do the fun thing. And I've been wrestling with guilt ever since. I mean, yes, I should be self-compassionate and let myself do those fun things but I also really do have to kick my own ass and get the hateful things done or everyone in the family is going to suffer...
I don't have any answers.
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u/scribblescope 3d ago
One difference is forward momentum. Too much slack is when things start to slow down and fall off. I can't "just do" the thing - but I recognize that it still needs to get done. My responsibility is to figure out how to bridge that gap. I personally lean into the novelty-seeking a lot and experiment with different systems, which also requires the acceptance that they will likely fail at some point. When they do, instead of giving up, I get curious.
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u/Navigator_Black 3d ago
Similar feelings here. I absolutely cannot cut myself slack because it just gives me a selfish pass for poor behaviour. All that "give yourself grace/forgiveness/compassion" is, to me, dangerously toxic.
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u/mynewjourney2425 3d ago
Recently diagnosed, in my 30s, once I understood what was happening, I leaned into it. Best fucking thing ever. So much stress is gone. I tell myself "well today's a lock up day I guess" and it's bc my sleep brain already realized, nothing actually needs done today. Tomorrow will come and I'll do an inhuman amount of things in 30 minutes, it's ok. Telling myself "it's ok" has been the single greatest thing to ever happen.
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u/InterestingSoup1252 3d ago
The problem for me is when I give myself 1 day to chill, then it turns into every day is a relax day. Nothing gets done and it’s extremely hard to pull myself out of it.
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u/Wickedinteresting 3d ago
Idk if this’ll help, but are you not fully committing to a chill day, and instead sort of half-anxiously trying to do stuff?
For me at least, I found I have to say “this day I will be 100% relaxing” and then the next day is easier to draw a boundary around for getting stuff done. Obvs have to have obligations line up to make this possible, I’m not saying it’s easy or foolproof lol
But I have learned about myself that it’s the sort of mixed-up, half-rest, half-task state that sends me down the spiral of getting nothing done
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u/Itamariuser 3d ago
For me it's more like - every day I feel like it's a lockup. So if the rule is "on these days are relax days"....then every day is a relax day :(
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u/irishdrunk97 3d ago
How do you know when you cant do something that day? Im scared to allow a day of relax cos i fear ill loose all interest and ability in my work.
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u/Wickedinteresting 3d ago
Felt this way for ages. Took a long time to realize “hey I actually seem to love doing a lot of things”, and also notice that when I DID rest it was invigorating.
For me it was looking back on the days I felt best - and those were always busy days.
Reframing from “I am a lazy dipshit who will take the first chance to rest as an opportunity to ruin my life” to “I have an executive functioning disorder, but I am fundamentally driven and interested in life” frees up a lot of mental power. You NEED the rest. You’ll know if you’re avoidantly rotting VS taking a day to relax.
In fact if you don’t dole out the rest-time now, the burnout reaper will call to collect it at the worst possible time. Ask me how I know lol.
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u/Happy-For-No-Reason AuDHD diagnosed 3d ago
getting other people to cut you some slack is the hard part
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u/anti-tish 3d ago
Honestly this starts with compassion for yourself too. As I got older, I started framing accommodations or anything I truly need to function as mandatory. Across the board: work, social settings, interpersonal. And much of the time, I handle my own accommodations, but I'm clear and firm up front. When I was newer to my diagnosis, it felt like a negotiation, now it is just what I need to operate.
By far the hardest part of this method is figuring out what you actually need. Acting chaotic makes people treat you like you're chaotic, even if we think we are outwardly helping ourselves. The reality is, missing deadlines and inconveniencing others IS actually the issue.
So rather than it getting to a place where you need to be cut slack by someone else, cutting yourself slack is getting ahead of yourself where you can do tasks in a way that isn't paralyzing in difficulty. Only then can we be certain we're really doing our best, which is also how the imposter syndrome goes too.
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u/Wickedinteresting 3d ago
> Rather than it getting to a place where you need to be cut slack by someone else, cutting yourself slack is getting ahead of yourself where you can do tasks in a way that isn’t paralyzing in difficulty
I wish I had understood this years ago. This is so dead on.
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u/Happy-For-No-Reason AuDHD diagnosed 3d ago
this is great advice, I am in this position now too. I have accomodations in place for the vast majority of my needs.
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u/anti-tish 3d ago
Yes! Damn near takes a lifetime, but the only way we can ever really thrive 🥲
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u/Happy-For-No-Reason AuDHD diagnosed 3d ago
I'm nearly 50 and only just have started to get it all sorted out
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u/Itamariuser 3d ago
Problem is, we can't account for every possible scenario and how it would interact with our needs. Not to mention needs we hadn't even realized that we had, and that need fulfilling in real time.
I know that's kinda vague, so a real life example: I know I'm sensitive to sound, so I asked for a quieter part of the office. That's fine.
However after a few weeks of working there I discovered that the overhead lighting messes with my field of view and focus. Couldn't have predicted that, because at home I don't have overhead lighting directly above me.
So take that and multiply it by every possible scenario. Sure next time I could ask for no overhead lighting, but then another problem could pop up, and so on and so forth...
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u/anti-tish 2d ago
Yes. Which is why I said the hardest part is figuring out what you personally need to succeed. But if you can't account for everything, you also need to understand that others cannot account for things you don't even mention. This is an unfortunate reality of humans not being mind readers.
I am genuinely sympathetic. I have been in similar situations and frankly was not able to perform and lost jobs. Which is why I can say this with such confidence. And for better or worse, you can consider this for the future. Is sound or light more important to you? Better yet, which is easier to control? If you can't have both, now you know you have to manage one.
If you are constantly on the defensive, you will be treated as such. This goes beyond adhd. If they don't know you are struggling with focus till AFTER it's a problem, how is anyone supposed to help? You will have to know how you work and how to advocate yourself through conflict management the rest of your life. Your best weapon is knowing your needs so you don't sabotage yourself in the future.
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u/mallanson22 3d ago
1000% agree. Anytime something gets overlooked, and you get the I don't know if I can live the rest of my life this way. Like I want to?! Difference is I have no choice in the matter.
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u/RedditMcBurger 3d ago
Having ADHD and being clumsy, I make like 50 mistakes a day. This is why I absolutely hate it when people get upset over a mistake
So if you're upset at me over my mistake, you're trying to say it was due to malice or incompetence, either way it's pretty insulting to be accused of.
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u/RandomDave70 3d ago
This sounds lis you may have RSD, which many of us with ADHD have, and houses you to beet yourself up internally over even small critiques by others. Recognizing RSD helps to deal with it.
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u/IsProbablyTooMuch 3d ago
Love that for you!
But I, on the other hand, am an irredeemable piece of shit! Can't apply to me!
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u/soilyoilydoily 3d ago
Hard agree. We have been biologically programmed to live life on HARD MODE, and giving ourselves slack is key to surviving that
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u/smallsipbigtea 3d ago
Hey, i have adhd along with mdd and the little steps of compassion I’ve given myself on the days i feel incapable are why I am still here. If all I could muster in a day was getting out of bed, feeding and walking the pets, and nothing else; then my victories were that I picked myself up out of bed to take care of the little critters who rely on me.
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u/nix0nax 3d ago
no it's definitely the medication actually...
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u/LucarioBoricua 3d ago
That's gonna vary from person to person. For many it's indeed the meds, but for others it's a few other aspects:
Grace for themselves
Accommodations
Overhaul of how they work / study / take care of their household responsibilities to better fit their intrinsic qualities
Therapy (the trauma of how life reacted to their untreated ADHD could be more damaging than the ADHD itself)
Revisiting their goals and expectations (super important if engaging in performative masking)
Prioritizing certain key self-care habits, however difficult that may be (sleep, eating, exercise, hydration, interpersonal boundaries)
And of course there's people who either have a incomplete response to meds, or only get bad side effects, and thus can't benefit with the meds. What should they do if this option doesn't work?
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u/Top-Examination3151 3d ago
Yeah I"m on my third espresso double shot of the day definitely makes my day a lot better anyone like cheese as much as I do there is football today lets all watch it together do you think there are aliens on other planets that would like Factorio as much as I do what do you think of this climate change thing I wonder what people would think of bananas if they were red instead of yellow
/s
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u/missjulie622 2d ago
💯🙌🏻 i’m really good at the things I’m really good at, and I suck at the things I suck at. Total acceptance.
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u/Zealousideal-Soil778 2d ago
Me too. I'm lucky to have a very understanding husband who has different adhd issues than I do. We don't live how our parents do, or want us to, but we live in a way that works for us.
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u/InterestingSoup1252 3d ago
I did this. Now I’m jobless, depressed, and just play video games all day.
Life is very miserable, but I can’t bring myself to get out of it.
Edit: I also make a lot of horrible choices because of my impulse control is very poor. And I haven’t cleaned my house in over a year because of my executive dysfunction.
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u/binalleinezuunfaehig 3d ago
cutting yourself some slack doesn't mean to elt yourself go completly bro/sis. it just means to stop insulting/hurting yourself even more than life already does and being nicer to yourself WHILE trying to be the best you can be
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u/West_Adhesiveness273 3d ago
Speak for yourself. For me it's more of a slippery slope. A very, very slippery and steep slope.
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u/Secret-Escape7043 3d ago
Forgiving ourselves, over and over again, is the hardest thing we have to do. It's really hard to do because it requires shirking the stigma and social pressures of the world around us and acting of our own volition to say: "I've failed at this 'basic' thing, but I'm not a failure. I'm doing the best with the tools I have."
It means repeatedly failing to get to appointments on time and not feeling guilt about it. We can take responsibility and accountability for it, apologize and understand the inconvenience we've caused others, and still not feel bad about ourselves because of it.
We can empathize with the pain we might be causing because of our disability, and we can communicate that to the people we hurt. But we don't have to internalize it. We are doing what we can with the tools available to us.
But that forgiveness also takes effort that's not always available. Just keep in mind that you're allowed to both feel bad about (not) doing something and also not allow that bad feeling to become guilt or shame. Easier said than done, but also easier done than not.
I'm not great at it, but it's still helped a lot to be able to let go of some of the shame and guilt.
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u/Itamariuser 3d ago
Kinda hard not to internalize something that happens 100% because of you.
I let my friends down often because I just can't commit to any outing or get-together, because I don't know how I would be feeling on that day in advance.
Does that mean I'm a bad friend? Not necessarily. Does that mean my friends (and myself) can't count on me to be consistent or dependable? I think it does. And that gets internalized, because it's true.
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u/GeneInternational146 3d ago
Something that has helped me with this is deciding to go even if I'm not feeling 100%, with the assumption that my friends just want me to show up. I don't have to be perfect for them
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u/cylonlover 3d ago
Shaming yourself makes it harder to control and harder to focus on building better habits. If you want to be better you gotta do what everyone else does to be better. Work on it. Work hard on it. Maybe harder than people without adhd, sure, that's not uncommon. And you probably gotta find some tools and tricks. But this is also hard for people without adhd. That's not the point. The point is that people without adhd can shame themselves for motivation to do better, while us with adhd are opposite in that regard, shaming ourselves stops us in our tracks, takes our eyes off the target by making it so unequivocally not fun to be better, just as we had discovered a novel way to be better that we needed to work for at least a couple of days. But we shamed it to death.
Don't be hard on yourself. Don't shame yourself. That's the point.6
u/rusty5545 3d ago
Go clean your house and cut yourself the slack later by not being mad at yourself for letting it get this bad
You’ll feel better 👍
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u/Switchy_Goofball 3d ago
If you have a legit diagnosis, get on meds. Getting medicated made a complete night and day difference for me
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u/notverysmawt 3d ago
There’s a middle ground! I was there for a couple years up to a few months ago. When that random motivation strikes, do not ignore it. Ride it all the way to the top, momentum is real
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u/Legitimate_Ant2693 20h ago
Cutting slack is not the same as making excuses. "Its hard to clean my house because of my executive dysfunction, so it just doesnt get done" is an excuse "its hard to clean my house because of my executive dysfunction, and thats okay. Ill start small with just this room/counter/corner. And tomorrow ill do some more." Is cutting yourself slack. Not putting cleaning the whole house on your shoulders is the slack part.
As someone with adhd and depression and im currently out of work due to an injury/surgery, truly, exercise helps. Put on a 5-10 min easy work out video and follow along. Getting your body moving helps get the chemicals right in your brain. Is it a fix all? No. Are there days i just dont put on the video? Yes. But that choosing to get up and do the thing is where the power comes in. When youre battling back and forth with your brain, just stand up. If you cant, find a reason to. "Oh i want a snack" stands up "well now that im standing, ill do the exercise and get my snack after!" Trick yourself if you have to.
It can and will get better. Just gotta break through the loop, like marvin in the stream current in finding nemo 💀
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u/danicorbtt 3d ago
While doing my master's degree I found that a lot of the procrastination issues I was suffering were partially due to refusing to cut myself any slack. I was pushing through and working when I really didn't want to, which then made the procrastination problem worse because I knew the misery I'd be in for when I finally got started. But when I started allowing myself to say "I'm not doing good work right now and I can't focus" and goof off for an hour, getting back to work actually became easier because I no longer felt trapped by it.
It also helped to have a supportive partner who encouraged me to rest and take breaks. I was raised under an "absolutely nothing else allowed until homework is done" philosophy which was incredibly damaging to me long-term. I didn't realize just how much until I went back for my post-grad as an adult and realized that was probably why I associated productivity with punishment 🙃
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u/Grunt636 Diagnosed 2026 3d ago
I've been extremely self critical and my own bully for longer than I can remember, I wish I could break out of it and am trying but it's not easy.
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u/BooBeeAttack 3d ago
Lucky. I am stuck in a cage fight with my own brain and neither one of us are getting out unscathed until the damned chores get done.
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u/NashvilleSoundMixer 2d ago
Crucial advice. Please remind yourself what you've been going through living on this planet the last ten or so years. Remember that you're different and it's ok.
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u/Dismal_Negotiation77 2d ago
I would cut myself some slack but got distracted on the way to the kitchen to get scissors….
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u/MileHiSalute 3d ago
For some in this thread, recognize the difference between cutting yourself some slack and giving yourself unlimited excuses. At the end of the day we’re all still responsible for ourselves and our decisions. This message is for people that are constantly beating themselves up for the symptoms of their diagnosis, not a pass to be free of any consequences stemming from it
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u/JackPembroke 3d ago
Slippery slope with the whole time blindness thing
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u/MileHiSalute 3d ago
I think that’s a piece that’s missing for a whole lot of kids in teaching them how to live with it. And I think that’s a tough thing for parents to teach, especially if they’ve never had experience with it. But finding that balance between teaching them why certain things may be more difficult for them, why they’re still responsible for their actions, how to deal with it, but give accommodations so they’re not be too hard on themselves is quite difficult.
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u/Veilmisk 3d ago
Getting on meds has been great for me. There's still a massive learning curve on how to utilize your time properly once your body adapts after the first few weeks, and I'm still driven by approaching deadlines, but things are not nearly as bad as they were.
I've found that I cannot allow anyone to help me write a schedule in almost anyway, including buying a planner. I have to write pretty much everything out myself or the demand avoidance tends to start kicking in.
But yes, cutting myself some slack has been useful to keep me from spiraling. Miss an assignment? Comeback to it if/when you can, but keep working on what you haven't missed yet. I know I'm going to get less done at home, so I print out copies of whatever to handwrite margin notes on and read anywhere I don't need to have my computer.
It's not just telling yourself "it's okay, you're different." It's also self acceptance and finding that smidge of dopamine from finding something that legitimately helps you and feeling like you just had a mic drop moment that makes you feel validated and willing to keep doing what you're doing.
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u/mallanson22 3d ago
Yes, very hard to do. But also would be nice if the people in your life could extend the same grace.
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u/WavisabiChick 3d ago
Me too. It’s starting to work too! My self loathing has significantly dropped. I’ve also make a point of recognizing any consistency improvements I’ve made. I reassure myself that it’s okay to get off track just keep doing the next right thing.
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u/Stock_Strategy1668 3d ago
I have never and will never set goals because the failure to reach them ruins my drive. I live in the moment and I'm having a pretty good time
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u/Jacketdown 3d ago
This is one I needed to see today. Keep waking up and immediately calling myself a lazy sack of shit. It’s a bad way to start the day but unfortunately that is what my internal dialogue sounds like all day.
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u/hamcicle 3d ago
Attention deficits linked with proclivity to explore while foraging
All mobile organisms forage for resources, choosing how and when to search for new opportunities by comparing current returns with the average for the environment. In humans, nomadic lifestyles favouring exploration have been associated with genetic mutations implicated in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), inviting the hypothesis that this condition may impact foraging decisions in the general population.
..
Our findings suggest that ADHD attributes may confer foraging advantages in some environments and invite the possibility that this condition may reflect an adaptation favouring exploration over exploitation.
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u/Pork_Confidence 3d ago
Self awareness is key and accepting limits is ok. Also ok to gradually work through limits with time and persistence. These are things I tell myself a lot and I find they help me out occasionally. Nothing has ever been "fool proof" for me yet, outside of having a VERY patient wife.
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u/Blue_Butterfly_Who overwhelmed (ft. executive dysfuntion) 3d ago
Yes, totally agree. With the help of mindfulness & self compassion I've become a lot less angry, frustrated and disappointed in myself. I can more easily accept if I can't do something today, I'll try again another time. It's crazy to see the demands we place on ourselves, especially if you take into account we have to work with a brain that has 25 tabs open all the time and one is playing annoying music as well.
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u/deferredmomentum 3d ago
I have a constant push and pull between PDA meaning when I no longer “have” to do it it actually gets done and executive function only existing when I have a deadline. Like I have to NEED to do it to do it, but also if I NEED to do it my brain will stomp its foot like a toddler and go “well now we’re not doing it, so there”
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u/IllustratorFar127 3d ago
Somehow I needed to read this today. I don't have ADHD but a genetic heart defect. After 40 years of fighting to be normal I come to the realization that I'm not.
It's a hard realization, but I'm applying for disability now. Life is hard, I am allowed to take the help that exists.
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u/daretoeatapeach turning into an unskippable cutscene if asked about my hobby. 3d ago
The big one for me on this is telling people, "if it's not in my calendar, don't expect me to be there." This is especially pertinent for a club I volunteer for, wherein volunteers often forget to update the Google calendar. I used to feel bad but I've realized I already do so many jobs for the club, if they can't give me this one accommodation I'm not going to feel bad if I miss it.
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u/Atlas-Rising 3d ago
100% THIS. I'll often start getting overwhelmed and beat myself up about being overwhelmed because I'm just "lazy" or "spoilt" and then spiral, until I finally remind my self "It IS that hard. What I'm doing and going through IS legitamely difficult and painful. I'm struggling more with this because I'm going through more than most other people would be."
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u/Stoopid_Noah ✨AuDHD✨ 3d ago
It has really helped me to remind myself: "You are disabled. It's okay to struggle."
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u/Prownilo 2d ago
One of rhe best things I ever did was to stop blaming myself, thst way i was able to refocus on changing circumstances rather than my personal actions, it helped immensely.
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u/JollyTimz 2d ago
It’s been life changing. In the beginning I kept hearing my mum’s scolding and shouting. It took a couple months to get the voice out of my head but when I finally did, it did wonders for my mental health. I feel much better but there are certainly days where it’s harder than others to keep those voices quiet.
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u/Random_182f2565 The personal attacks are relentless in this sub 3d ago
Yeah, think if my expectations are reasonable has been a great help
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u/Lazy-Party3469 3d ago
I don’t know, the beauty of ADD is not getting caught up in the competitive mode others live in. When I’m not medicated life is much more enjoyable, I don’t care. When I am I’m in this, gotta do this gotta do that gotta make more mode of life and it’s just depressing. ADD can be a gift sometimes.
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u/DocileBanalBovlne 3d ago
My wife and I do this for each other all the time and it really is such a help. Having someone else basically give you permission to stop pretending you're totally going to start that task and just relax and do it later is heavensent. I'm clearly not getting to it any time soon so I might as well start doing something enjoyable instead of just doom scrolling and lying to myself.
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u/SeverelyLimited 3d ago
Medication gave me the space to realize this, so let's do both.
My gf and I are both ADHD and we'll constantly remind each other "hey, we're not in a rush, right?" And we get so much more done.
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u/Extra_Strawberry_249 Daydreamer 3d ago
This is working for me and my anxiety immensely. I think a lot of us were spoken to poorly as we were growing up and we internalized that hate.
It takes years to correct those immediate responses, ‘ugh you can’t do anything right’ ‘why did you say that’ ‘they think you are a dumbass’
to
‘You aren’t good at this yet, it might take practice’
‘Let it go, everyone says something silly occasionally’
‘I can’t control what others think and it’s not my business’
Also, consider the source of the hatred we experienced. Are they people you respect?
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u/deliciduous 3d ago
The ever present shame demon on my shoulder would much rather tell me I'm a weak idiot and then ask why I'm not being productive
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u/1961tracy 3d ago
I am beginning to realize I have very little patience with myself. This meme’s message is very relatable.
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u/Charming-Loquat3702 3d ago
That's basically why I get things done. Sure, sometines, thete arw things that need doing at a specific time slot. But I work in a job, where I have a certain freedom when to do things. And sometimes, my brain is open to do one thimg and hates the idea to do something else. It's good to just do the task that your brain wants to do. When a deadline comes around, the other task will be completed somehow.
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u/CaterpillarNo7982 3d ago
True. Today I've been really slow with taking my shower. I'm going to do it! I am however, am I going to be a bitch to myself for not doing it earlier when I woke up? Not really the main goal is shower today. As long as it's done today that's a win. Lol
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u/supercali5 3d ago
But it’s also planners, medication and productivity hacks.
You can cut yourself some slack AND keep pushing yourself to turn your intentions into productive actions.
Cutting yourself slack is what you do when you screw up or don’t reach your intended result.
You don’t cut yourself slack instead of making honest effort.
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u/Significant_Pilot693 3d ago
My parents walked me through this when I was very young. I'm happy they did
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u/ZanderStarmute 3d ago
I’ve trained my inner critic to be positive and supportive since realising that every single little bit of feedback was taken too literally, and had been bouncing around my brain like that one text-based Windows screensaver beloved by any student daring enough to hack and edit it 🥸
Of all my attempted self-care practices, this one has been the most consistently helpful in the long run, as I almost never criticise myself unfairly for longer than a few seconds, focusing on my core strengths and discovering loads of cool “new” things about myself along the way ✨
This has led to a whole new problem, however… now that I’m aware of just how wrong all those overly critical nega-globules were about me, I’m left with the realisation that their put-downs are the root cause of why my life has stalled 😗
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u/GrowlingPict 3d ago
why is this prefaced with "I know it's not what people want to hear"? Why would people not want to hear that? Makes zero sense. Just serves to hype up his own comment as boldly "controversial" or something, which it definitely isnt.
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u/Jmackles 3d ago
Best thing for us worst thing for everyone around us but good it should be maybe they’ll start helping
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u/Usual_Arugula7670 3d ago
I'm going through this!!! It feels amazing! Couldn't quite put it into words, you described it perfectly.
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u/Mrspygmypiggy 2d ago
I just developed OCD and anxiety, they won’t let me leave anything out of place for long and constantly worrying about forgetting something means I often don’t forget something and when I do my moral OCD let’s me know how much of a horrible person I am so I get even more anxiety. Would never recommend it though it’s a living hell.
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u/theuserwithoutaname 2d ago
I read self compensation and was like "I knew getting a little treat as a reward was the right move"
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u/SparxxWarrior97 2d ago
How does one be nice to themselves without being crushed under the expectations of everyone around you.
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u/Crazy_old_maurice_17 2d ago
My kid watched the Daniel Tiger episode that talks about doing your best (not someone else's), and by the end of the week it sunk in that I can only do my best and the people at work are just going to have to deal with it.
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u/WoolooCthulhu 2d ago
This is the only reason I want a diagnosis. I feel like otherwise I'm making excuses or something. I don't want medicine, just to understand how my brain is different so I can stop telling myself that I am just doing a crap job at being a person.
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u/Healthy_Zucchini9025 3d ago
Partially agree - medication cha fed my life though. It’s not something we should think about in extremes, but it’s always like most things in life about a bit of both. Self-compassion, yes. But medication is an expression of self-compassion because it is proven very helpful for a lot of people with ADHD. The issue is when people only rely on medication. The best thing is medication and healthy habits, therapy to learn those habits, to learn your own brain, what works for you or doesn’t work for you, etc. :)
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u/canteloupy 3d ago
For me it's definitely been important to recognize that the process and the goal are two different things. When I have a goal I can manage a sort of process to reach it, but it's not going to look like someone else's. But it usually works. And it includes taking a lot of breaks in the middle.
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u/ChampionCoyote i Will elaborate (Threat). 3d ago
The only person I’m unable to have compassion for, cut some slack, give grace… is me.
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u/pleasantrevolt 3d ago
Definitely needed this. I KNOW it but I often forget to practice it. It's been a really brutal, hard, chaotic time for me lately with an insane schedule with very few breaks, increasing demands from school, with deadlines and schedules that have been shifting and changing a lot due to things outside of my control which made me forget some of my responsibilities and got me in some trouble with my instructor, plus a few surprise bills during a time I cannot work as well as having to put one of my cats down. It's just been too much--it would be too much for anyone, let alone someone with ADHD.
Previous parts of school have been equally if not more demanding, but had WAY more structure and were far clearer on expectations, deadlines, etc--this time is totally different, and I did make that clear to my instructor from the beginning that I struggle without that structure. Of course it is ultimately still my own responsibility, and ultimately we were able to work something out so I could still meet expectations, but I have had zero support! ugh.
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u/dragonmarked2813 3d ago
I find a balance of both works best actually. No need to engage in learned helplessness.
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u/Inner-Nebula6557 3d ago
I was just diagnosed a couple weeks ago (in my 40’s), and this is the thing I’ve take away so far. I need to treat myself better, be more patient with myself, and accept/acknowledge my effort.
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u/Crepitus_aware 3d ago
I like to get out on the water and paddle my Kayak till I get good and worn out. Then paddle back. Helps me stay focused and provides a reference point for a week or so. A few months ago when it was really hot and killer humid. I hiked up a creek nestled in a forested draw, in the blue ridge mountains. I hiked till I was exhausted and fell asleep on a huge flat mossy boulder. Changed my life for weeks. I could still remember the sound of the water blubbing and the softness of the mosses. The gentle breezes would come along once in a while easing the tensions bringing phantom chills where there was no chance of hypothermia.
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u/BeerBellyBlake 3d ago
This + being nice to yourself is life changing/no negative self-talk
[also medication!]
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u/Embarrassed_Art5414 3d ago
I was raised Irish catholic. In my teens a priest gave me 10 hail marys after confession to atone for excessive self compassion.
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u/Single_Extension1810 3d ago
Im not sure what the hell is wrong with me lately but i needed to read this
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u/ToptopPipPip 3d ago
My diagnosis gave me a lens for the last 18 years. I said I was wired differently. I didn't know I was working twice as hard to stay afloat. I am fucking angry about that.
My trauma is valid. Does it feel like an excuse every day? Yes. I mean, it IS literally ALL IN MY HEAD. Clean laundry will live in a pile.
I am a sloth. Slowly, slowly, slowly. My home moves at my pace 80% of the time. My inattentive ADHD is a disability for me. Looking back, it has touched every facet of my life for at least 25 years. So, I move slowly. Meds + therapy. Slowly.
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u/Griffolion 3d ago
"I have a condition that makes it difficult for me to do basic things."
"Okay, well here is a bunch of stuff to help you out!"
"Seems like all of this is intended to have me continuously operate above my basal rate just to maintain parity with everyone else. This will eventually cause me to burn out."
"What, you didn't expect us to allow you to be less productive for the sake of your health, did you?"
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u/VanillaCold57 ADHD Inattentive gang rise UP 3d ago
mmm this sounds good on paper but it's kinda hard to actually give myself any slack when a brother who also has adhd fared better than I currently am, and with how me from 1 year ago fared better on the first 2 weeks of uni for that year than I have for this year.
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u/Z0idberg_MD 3d ago
I’m high-functioning ADHD with a good career. I often beat myself up for not functioning at a certain level or in a certain way at work, and try to remind myself that I am doing a great job for where I am at, and even if others aren’t aware of it, I shouldn’t feel self conscious about it and be happy with myself. But it’s hard sometimes.
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u/Loud-Spare-3269 3d ago
The ADHD Chatter Podcast on YouTube has been a God send and has helped me and my family understand ADHD so much ❤️💯
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u/Presleyelvi 3d ago
I know a lot of people are against medication, but I was diagnosed later in life in my 40's and I m on medication, I never abuse it and if I didnt have it I would not be able to get anything done,I'm slow getting everything done as it is but it's better then standing in the grocery store staring at the cookies for 15 minutes!
Just an example. Good luck it sucks!
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u/ArmadilloDays 3d ago
When I fail, I was taught to mentally check in and let it go so long as I did my best.
That nearly killed me, because I can rarely do my best and when I actually do my best, I rarely fail. Failure becomes prima facie evidence that I did not do my best.
I finally had an epiphany and tweaked it a little. Now, my query is: Did I do my best UNDER ALL THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
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u/rolfraikou 3d ago
I wish. Between the rest of the world not agreeing to those terms, and needing to actually interface with how people make money in this world, I don't have the luxury to be very kind to myself.
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u/ContextLengthMatters 3d ago
I think the single best thing someone with ADHD could do would be to unfollow any community that self reports as ADHD.
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u/DumbHash 3d ago
I've done the same a few years back. But from time to time I do feel like I've not had/have any other source of drive/motivation beyond self-shaming or having someone else shame me!
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u/RedditMcBurger 3d ago
Sure but holy shit if I just cut myself slack and don't try to organize my life in these ways, it's a trainwreck.
I do agree we need to understand when people make mistakes though.
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u/Rude_Invite_7305 3d ago
To all my fellow neurodivergent people,
I recently realised something, and this has been one of the most profound epiphanies I think I’ve had in my 44 years of existence. That I am not time-blind, nor am I unable to function, but perhaps the world that we are expected to function in simply has become so disconnected from the natural cycles of life itself.
There’s a reason that we call a month a month. The word itself comes from the moon. You know, before clocks and calendars became instruments of productivity, we understood time through the movement of the sun and the phases of the moon and the changing seasons and the rhythms of the living world.
So, as I have personally understood, if you begin to observe the moon and follow the sun and pay attention to the cycles of nature, you may actually realise something that’s quite extraordinary.
That perhaps you were never out of sync with time, and I think rather you’ve been closer than the rest of the world to the family of living things.
Also read the poem by Mary Oliver called ‘wild geese’
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u/main__py 3d ago edited 2d ago
the best thing I’ve done for my ADHD is cut myself
Oh no! 😟
slack
Oh, good. You got for a second there.
Good for you!!
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