r/actual_detrans • • Dec 11 '24

New Rule Regarding Trans Questioners

135 Upvotes

It has been brought to the mod's attention that there has been a significant number of trans questioners coming in and asking why people here detransitioned and if they should start HRT. As this sub is supposed to be support for detrans people and people questioning if they should detransition, a new rule has been added prohibiting these kinds of posts.

Please report posts like this under Rule #2.


r/actual_detrans • • Nov 15 '23

Mod Message Reminder: TERF ideology, gender critical theories, and bigotry towards trans individuals are not allowed on this subreddit

536 Upvotes

Just as a reminder to everyone: This subreddit was created with the intention of being a space for detransitioners to exist and discuss their issues without TERF ideology.

TERF ideology, gender critical theories, or bigotry towards trans individuals/the transgender community is NOT allowed or welcome in this subreddit.

Personal attacks, name calling, and engaging in bad faith discourse to argue TERF ideology will result in a permanent ban.

The past few days, this subreddit has been flooded by trolls who have been targeting posters with TERF ideology and personal attacks. I have already banned several accounts as a result of this. Please continue to report them and I will do my best to ban them and prevent them from posting/commenting.


r/actual_detrans • • 4h ago

Advice needed Im usually okay with being ftm until I see a pretty woman

6 Upvotes

I've been transitioning for a decade now, on and off T a lot (back on as of a month ago) but always presenting as male regardless. I've briefly experimented with detransitioning in the past but that was mostly just online, I never did much irl besides some makeup and longer hair (while still presenting as male)

But I've noticed recently that any time I see a woman I think is pretty, I get so envious. And I know its envy and not attraction. I want her hair, or her hips, or her breasts, or her cheekbones, sometimes just all of it together if I think she's really beautiful. I want to be her and look like her, not be with her.

I don't really know where this leaves me. Right now I want to be a beautiful woman so bad. I want my long hair back and my breasts back. I want to be a girlfriend, a wife, a mother. But most days I really like my facial hair, my muscles, my more masc physique, and I still want an even deeper voice (despite it always being read as male now). But then there are those days where I wonder if I regret top surgery, if I'd love to be seen as a woman again.

I'm just not sure what to do or where to go from here. This question has been rattling around in my head for 3 years now


r/actual_detrans • • 1h ago

Advice needed Recurring detransition thoughts that get stronger each time

• Upvotes

31 MtF here. I've been living as a woman and taking HRT for almost 2 years now, so I started rather late in comparison to others. My "egg cracking" was also very quick almost concerningly impulsive from an outside perspective. My family and friends know I have a history of bipolar mania and I'm sure that when I came out their first thought was that I was having another episode. I had asked them if they could sense I was trans beforehand or that this made any sense to them and they all said no.

As a man I was very repressed emotionally and I just wasn't present in reality. I had unmedicated and unaddressed mental illness that only got worse each year. I could not express myself without feeling shame so I would shut out all emotion just like my father would. Also, while transitioning and HRT has been a net positive on my mental health and life as a whole, I never had access to therapy and so my friends and family played proxy for that. But they simply don't have the answers to the questions that I have. Every revelation I have had about myself has been pure conjecture.

The time from me questioning my gender identity to taking HRT was only like 2 months. It was a leap of faith for the most part, but sometimes I wonder if the reason it's been so good for me mentally is because it's given me an allowance to finally express myself. To cry, to be pretty, to be submissive, to like men. But those are all things a man do with or without HRT.

Here's where I'm torn. Prior to HRT I was a pretty big gym rat, It gave me an escape from my depressing life and made me feel like I was doing something productive. I loved lifting heavier and heavier weights and feeling strong. On some level, I do miss my big muscles. And it's no wonder that these detransition thoughts always coincide with me going back to the gym after a break. I want to be big and strong. I want to bro out.

The whole reason why I don't just stop taking HRT and detrans is multifaceted. I would feel shame for making such a big deal of it to my family, afraid that people would no longer trust me after beng wrong about such a big life decision. I've been on HRT for almost 2 years and have boobs which won't go away if I stop. And also... there's something telling me that if I just push through it and finish my "second puberty" then at some point these detransition thoughts will go away and I'll stop thinking about it. I want to see the potential of the woman I could become through hormones, but know that if I did in fact go that far and finish then going back to a man would biologically be very difficult.

Throughout these 2 years I have had at least 4 instances where I have thought about going back. The first one was when I stopped HRT for fertility preservation, the second time was when I was building my way back to benching 2 plates, the third time was when I had a molly trip and stopped caring about misgendering for at least 2 months, and the fourth time is right now when I'm preparing myself for another gym binge. Even if I could detrans right now, I'm renting a room from another transwoman and I've told her about my feelings to detrans and she is not a fan of the idea. I fear that she would kick me out if I decided to present as a cis man again. I could detrans in private until I get another place but I feel like she would notice, she's not stupid.

My ideal outcome is to take the lessons I've learned from being a woman and bringing them with me to the other side to become a more well rounded man. I feel like I know myself more now than I did before and can express myself genuinely. I like myself. But I'm feeling more and more like being a woman is not necessary to like myself.


r/actual_detrans • • 3h ago

Advice needed FtMtF - going back to surgeon where I had top surgery tomorrow

3 Upvotes

Hi peeps!

I’m going back to my surgeon for my 6 month post op from top surgery. I actually really hate my results. I’m concave, have dog ears and have this bulging spot in the middle. That aside, I also really hate my graphs. Honestly, my top surgery is what made me realize I’m not trans…even after two years on T.

I want to ask what’s possible for adding a little volume—even if I’m still flat just to fill in the concavity…but would maybe like a small b-c cup (still smaller than initially before surgery).

A couple of questions:

  1. Does anyone have any experience with this? How did you ask for it? What was it like?

  2. I am so scared of going under again. When I was on testosterone, my anxiety was much calmer. Not on T, I am an anxious mess. I can handle the pain, I’m sure of it. I’m just anxious about my anxiety haha.

  3. How is recovery compared to the initial top surgery?

Thanks frans.


r/actual_detrans • • 11h ago

Question How do I get myself to detransition and just abandon this sinking ship?

6 Upvotes

Hi, "F" 19 here, and this is a genuine question and not an attempt at trolling. I saw a post from the main /detrans sub today on my Twitter timeline today and someone brought up this subreddit as a way better place for that so...

How do I get myself to detrans? How do I get the dysphoria to stop?

My intention is not to sound transphobic but I genuinely can't handle this and I want to be normal again. My psychologist (against my will, in large part) is trying to detransition me, constantly talking about detransitioners and their struggles and how my autism could be the reason as to why I ever got obsessed with my identity and transitioning and while it used to lightly annoy me, I'm at a point where I genuinely want her to be right.

How can I quit this? How can I forget all of this and make the pain stop? Waking up every single morning and seeing this disgusting, awful, horrid facial hair on my face, the oddly shaped jaw, the broad shoulders, I genuinely can't take it anymore. How can I force myself to be a man again? To live normally? To enjoy a happy, joyful life away from all of this? I'm tired of crying. I don't want this to go on.

I'm tired of being mentally ill. I'm tired of playing pretend, knowing that I'm the only odd one out. There are so many normal trans people who have a shot at this and I just don't. I don't want to continue this. I don't want to make a mockery of all of the normal trans people. I don't want to forever live in fear and shame, knowing that I will never be a woman. My parents want me to never come out anyways and I have no way to move out so not like much would change. Maybe I would just stop feeling such anguish at every step of my life. Maybe I could finally become a normal person.

Truly - is there a way to do that? Does anyone here have any advice?


r/actual_detrans • • 10h ago

Advice needed What could be the wrong reasons to get top surgery ?

2 Upvotes

Hello everyone,

I'm transmasc and considering top surgery after knowing being trans for 10 years and spending two years on T.

(One important thing to note is that I am also genderfluid so I can feel dysphoric sometimes if I'm too often and only perceived as a man.)

I want to get top surgery mostly because of the burden of sexism and sexualization of this part of my body.

I also feel uncomfortable seeing people check this part of my body to guess what I could be. All of this makes me feel like it's a choice I'm making because of society and not because I really want to be flat. But I also kinda feel euphoric thinking of all the clothes I could wear with my future flat chest.

I don't know if I'm making the right decision and any advice or any of you sharing your personal experience (whether it's a good or bad one) would be very helpful.

Of course I know I'll be the only responsible for my decision in the end but last time I posted here I received great advice regarding starting T or not, and that's why I'm posting today.

I also would like to thank everyone on this subreddit because reading you folks really helped me in my transition journey and I'm really grateful I found you <3

Thanks for reading me, have a nice day !


r/actual_detrans • • 23h ago

Advice needed i regret going on estrogen (and some ocd stuff)

8 Upvotes

As a kid i always thought i was a girl and ended up transitioning socially pretty early? Like around 3rd grade and started taking Estrogen when i started puberty in about 8th is grade but i wish i hadn’t. Cuz idk if like i just didn’t know guys could be feminine or smth as a kid? I got no clue, maybe just rlly liked girl characters in shows (still do lol) but like i wish i didnt go on E, it gave me breasts which i hate and compression shirts don’t help that much, gonna try a sports bra but yeah (even tho still very small chest, like can fit in trainer bra) But i just hate them and wish they were off me and also it blocked genital growth so i feel behind on that (yes still in puberty i’m in high school) And i just feel too fem, im men in family have baby face but yea :( not to mention that my dad and brother struggle to call me preferred name which sucks, atleast my mom is good abt it but like we both prolly have autism but separate forms of it which contrast so i tend to get more annoyed with her unfortunately :/ and im taking letrozole now and hope that helps soon. And for the OCD stuff i like sometimes worry if im like gonna regret detransitioning (even tho i could be a femboy if i wanted too cuz i want average + male genitalia and hate breast) but like worried gonna regret it even tho i prolly won’t but yeah 😭 just rlly how to look more masculine for now and how to deal with OCD.
Sorry for the rant any advice is greatly appreciated


r/actual_detrans • • 23h ago

Question Has detransition ever worked?

6 Upvotes

I constantly hear that detransition is just a plain and simple bad idea (usually from other trans people) and that it's often just a form of self harm. Is this true? The trans community does have a tendency to adjust their rhetoric to be more favourable to the trans position, so I thought it best to ask here.

For reference, I'm 25 mtf, been on HRT for 5 years (nearly 6 now) and I still don't pass as a result of transitioning post-puberty.


r/actual_detrans • • 19h ago

Question About how long does it take for the face to go back to the way it was before after stopping T? Or does it ever go back?

2 Upvotes

Hey. Been on low dose t (cyp) for a bit over a year now and just wondering how long it’ll take for my face to look less masculine again and if it’ll ever look how it did pre-t. I’m in my 20s if that helps. Any insight into your experiences would be great help


r/actual_detrans • • 1d ago

Support I posted here a week ago that I wanted to detransition but I haven’t and I don’t want to. I think I just have Detrans OCD honestly

5 Upvotes

I really thought about it, there’s honestly not really any trauma that has caused this. I also used a bunch of nonsense against myself in that post but most importantly, detransition scares me. I fear I will end up like that and I do everything to ensure that I don’t. There’s a lot of things going against me like my family being unsupportive and sometimes I want to detrans for them but not for myself. I constantly check whether I make the right choice and sometimes this checking makes me think my feelings aren’t real or that my dysphoria is induced or conjured up. And the checking only makes it worse for me not better. I’m tired of these loops and introspecting into my past. I am seeing an OCD therapist next week and I hope I can figure all of this out and move on. Hopefully I can just get a therapist in general so I can put myself on the right path for me.


r/actual_detrans • • 1d ago

Question To FtMtF/FtMtN folks, how long did it take you to feel feminine enough in public again?

5 Upvotes

I'm struggling a bit with being patient on easing back into femininity. I feel weird buying new clothes, as I know my body shape will change as estrogen gets back online, and I'm growing my hair out but that obviously takes a while. I'm very inexperienced with makeup, but I want to give it a shot. Otherwise I'm painting my nails and trying to alter more of my wardrobe into crop tops or do other things to feel more feminine.

It's just difficult waiting. I was on T for 7 years, so my body shape is decently further into the masc vibe (broader shoulders + I developed a beer belly silhouette), and I just feel very... boyish in a way that's frustrating. It feels like waiting on my hair + estrogen is gonna take ages!


r/actual_detrans • • 1d ago

Support Getting my tissue expanders switched for breast implants tomorrow

5 Upvotes

I know it should not be as intense a recovery as the first time (I went with under the muscle expanders) but I’m still incredibly nervous. I got the expanders in May and stopped getting fills once they were filled with 450cc. I’m going to decide tomorrow whether I go with 605 or 650cc implants. Might seem big but it suits my frame, 450cc looks kinda small. I felt like they were an okay size but once the swelling went away they seemed quite smaller. I might make a post about the whole experience after I’m recovered. So yeah, I’m really nervous because it’s a surgery but I can’t wait to get the expanders out, they’re so uncomfortable at times, I’m done. Really hoping the implants will be more comfortable.

Not sure why I’m posting this but I needed to tell someone, my girlfriend is very supportive but I don’t want to annoy her too much with all of this.


r/actual_detrans • • 1d ago

Support Sometimes I wish I were transfem

13 Upvotes

I feel weird asf for saying that but it’s true, idk how else to put it. I find transfemininity relatable and I’m almost jealous of it.

For a long time, I perceived femininity as something to be ashamed of, like it wasn’t something I was allowed to enjoy and it would make me weak or less valid. I attributed my issues, like my emotions, my insecurities, my mental health struggles, to femininity, like, they were intrinsically tied. I pushed all femininity away and forced myself to play the role of what a man “should be”

And this is stuff that was rooted into me at a young age. I was constantly bullied by my own family for being too sensitive. I needed to be tough and a hard worker and I couldn’t take stuff personally or anything.

I was horrified at the realization that I could ever be a girl in any capacity. I just grew so used to being ashamed of it and running from it. And the very fact that I was transitioning towards masculinity only made it worse, like, admitting to my femininity was some kind of failure. That it meant I never knew anything about myself.

I wish I just started out being perceived as masculine so I could fight for my femininity, instead of just being perceived feminine, fighting for masculinity, then stumbling back towards femininity after.

I’ll see feminine clothes and a part of me aches because I want it so, so bad but I worry so much about how I’d be perceived. Like, I’m SUPPOSED to be a man, even if deep down I know I’m not, it’s what people expect of me now, and if I embrace femininity, they’ll be confused.

I wish I wanted femininity and womanhood. I wish I could see it as something beautiful worth fighting for. I wish I had the chance to watch myself become more feminine and feel anything other than dissociation or horror. I wish I could look in the mirror, see my curves, and see myself as beautiful.

But I just can’t find myself. I can’t find myself in the mirror. I can dress in plenty of different ways that look cute or flattering in both masc and fem styles, but I never know which one is actually me. Sometimes I think I know then something shifts. One minute I’ll be on the brink of tears because I’m horrified at my female body and would do anything to escape it, the next I’m stuffing my bra and wishing I could look like a Barbie doll.

My identity is so…fucky wucky. The gender stuff is the most obvious but it’s kinda just in general. Like, I don’t think I’m just genderfluid or anything, I think my shits just kinda fucked. Idk.


r/actual_detrans • • 1d ago

Question Has anyone else experienced a sudden, hard-to-ignore shift?

10 Upvotes

As I've been considering whether to detransition, to shift into a more nonbinary/fluid presentation, or to keep going on in my transition, I was wondering if anyone else had experienced a sudden shift.

As an example. Being called by my chosen name and pronouns felt good at first, as did being called "sister" by my brother, "daughter" by my parents, etc. As time passed, it settled into feeling just...normal.

But then recently? It just doesn't feel right. There's a discomfort there that I just can't shake, as if something doesn't fit quite right. I can't quite explain it or put my finger on it, other than that there's a sort of internal discomfort.

This has been happening for lots of things that brought me comfort/euphoria before. It feels different, and it's unsettling.


r/actual_detrans • • 1d ago

Advice needed was I ever really trans, or was I just miserable being male?

3 Upvotes

I’ve been questioning a lot of shit lately and honestly don’t know what to think anymore.

i’m 21. when i was 16, i think i wanted a feminine body, but looking back, i don’t know how to interpret those feelings. i don’t know if it was dysphoria, a fetish, or if i just hated myself and wanted to be something else. i keep going back and forth trying to figure out what i actually wanted back then.

part of me thinks i’d be happier if i’d started transitioning younger. i grieve the person i feel like i could’ve been and the years i feel like i’ve lost. but another part of me wonders if i was trying to escape being an undesirable male in the first place.

i’m 5’7, a virgin, and i never really had a girlfriend either. i’ve spent a lot of time feeling like i’ll never be desirable or experience the things other people seem to take for granted. i’ve been smoking weed to cope with reality, but it doesn’t change anything. when i’m sober, i’m right back to thinking about my body, my future, and whether i’ve misunderstood myself this whole time.

i can’t tell if i genuinely wanted to be female or if i was unhappy with being male and saw transition as a way out. maybe those feelings overlapped. i honestly don’t know anymore.

i’m not asking anyone to tell me i’m definitely trans or definitely not. i’d like to hear from people who have actually questioned their transition or detransitioned. did you ever look back at your original reasons for transitioning and realize they were different from what you thought? how did you figure out whether you genuinely wanted to transition or were trying to escape something else?


r/actual_detrans • • 1d ago

Support im not a de-transitioner, more like de-sisted

1 Upvotes

im making this on a throwaway because i really just don't feel like having the wrong people find my socials you know. i am posting in this subreddit and not the other detrans subreddit because its just full of radfems that want to prey on confused people. i dont want to hear radfem explanations for how i feel. i need to hear things from people without an agenda.

i suffer from gender dysphoria. it is of note in my mental health evaluations. i went back and forth identifying as a woman (girl) and non-binary throughout most of my life at this point. but some time ago after i got away from a deeply conservative environment, i started socially transitioning as non-binary. i told all my friends to use they/them for me and started to present deliberately as more masculine or androgynous.

i was experiencing gender dysphoria in the shower per usual however i realized that socially transitioning wasn't helping my mental state. it was making me feel even worse. maybe it was making me feel worse because i was in denial about my reality as female. i am biologically female, that is what i am, and lying to myself about it is making me feel worse. this is my thought process.

i started to leave being non binary behind. i still suffer from gender dysphoria but everything feels like it makes more sense if i call it a mental illness and not a sign of "what i truly am".

and so far the trans community isn't helpful about what to make of these emotions. trans community has a very bad problem with getting overly defensive and self-victimizing if you aren't uncritically validating of everything trans related.


r/actual_detrans • • 1d ago

Support I never want to speak again.

19 Upvotes

Hi, i'm sorry if i do this wrong. I(31) was ftm..well, kind of. i spent a long time under the nonbinary umbrella but felt transmasc for a while. I was always reluctant on starting T, but when I joined a trans "support" group, everything went downhill. I want to preface this by saying that I don't blame trans people in general for this. I think they can be wonderful people, but this community was toxic, and being upheld by a corrupt nonprofit. They would let me be bullied, and if you were transmasc, disabled, or marginalized, you had to be on your best behavior. You always had to be palletable and speak that way as well. I don't want to say which one it was. I don't feel safe doing that. I simply want to mention that this isn't the idea of being transgender at fault, but ableism and gender essentialism.

I was disabled. The community knew this. They'd let me be bullied. Id talk about my experience with misogyny and one of them bullied me about it. In one group, I wanted to start a conversation about how trans men are overlooked, demonized, and fetishized, because I wanted to feel safe before I transitioned. I would talk to them about having disability and difficulty hanging out with them. They all spoke over me and said the typical things like "you're not bad because you're trans" and "i have transmasc friends but they don't come to these groups for some reason" and one time someone said i could just be a "soft boy". the only person who wanted to comfort me was the person who was being overly forward and clingy with me. So...i just didn't want to be a bother. Next day, i went to the doctors office, and they put me on T. Nothing changed either. I still felt demeaned. Nobody listened to me unless i performed. Someone jumped at the chance to call me "good boy" and just went "i'm just silly" when i told her i didn't like it, and apologized only when i pushed enough.

So, i have pmdd. The doctor knew this. I had health problems i was reluctant about. The entire time, she told me everything would be fine, i changed my doctor, she told me that too. Other trans men would tell me actual things people experience on t, and the doctor would deny it. Flash forward until later, and my health falls apart. my body couldn't take the hormonal shift. im crying after group about it and everyone walks by and has a delightful conversation in front of me. The center bans me for being too needy. Now I have nothing

And I start to question everything. I didn't want to go on hrt. I just wanted to be respected for however i identified. Now I'm dysphoric as hell. I lost hair to the point where i need to constantly adjust my hairstyle. My voice sounds shrill and buzzing. I sound like a donkey when I cry. I feel middle aged. And I have nothing. My hair was better than ever, I weighed more than ever, i sang better than ever. Hell, i could sing memory from cats. I had friends. I had places to be. ...now i have nothing. I was trying to find a voice claim for a character i want to sound like me, and all i found for hours were characters id give anything to sound like again. I'm not healthy. I'm debilitated and i'm nervous and i don't have the cognition to keep on a routine to try to train my voice. hell, i have to think about finding an obgyn who specializes in pmdd. I have to think about moving. I don't want to be here anymore. Ive dealt with so much misogyny and objectification my entire life, and it feels like everyone successfully got what they needed out of me and left me a husk. I'm agender now. Femme agender. I don't have a name. And I don't want to partake in gender anymore. It was far too traumatizing my entire life. I'm happy for everyone whos able to find themselves and be happy, but its not for me. It never was.


r/actual_detrans • • 1d ago

Advice needed is it possible to achieve a cis womens voice again after T + cigarettes while on an asthma medication?

3 Upvotes

first of all please dont judge me for smoking cigarettes while having asthma, i wasnt diagnosed when I started smoking them and by the time I realized I had it I was hopelessly addicted. ive since quit (almost two years!!!!).

anyway when I went on t I specifically asked my doctorif t would mess up my singing voice and to please put me on a low dose to not mess up my singing voice and he said that wouldnt be necessary.... cut to almost 11 years later and I cant sing for shit anymore (been off t for three and a half years now i think???) and my voice is ruined. idk whether thats the t or the smoking early in my t journey or the (as of the last like 6 months) asthma meds.....

what do yall think??? am I just shit out of luck??? I cant afford vfs so voice training is my only option. I cant even get into head voice anymore, let alone speak in a blended head/chest voice. am I just cooked?


r/actual_detrans • • 2d ago

Discourse Please watch out for this user

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57 Upvotes

I had a DM a few weeks ago that started similarly with the Vi thing, but I ignored it because I’m antisocial and they didn’t elaborate. Something also seemed off about it. I’m not completely sure, but I think this is the same user trying it again, and this time I decided to respond.

Short interaction, and I don’t really have an issue just keeping things short and simple to shut it down. They are clearly trying to start something though, not exactly sure what their goal was. It’s really just a warning for anyone, if you get a DM from this user, don’t bother to respond, they’re trying to troll or something.

(I’m not active in any other trans related subs except very rarely in buried comments, so they would have found me from here).


r/actual_detrans • • 2d ago

Support needed Ugh

40 Upvotes

I hate literal self proclaimed ters and or conservatives being in detrans space, trying to recruit ppl in the midst of grief.
then they’ll tone police you and be like erm
But what do you mean you don’t want to ban HRT for everybody, including adults? don’t you hate being mutilated?
Don’t talk about my body like that. My take is, I can refer to myself as mutilated, but when somebody else says that to me, yeah no that’s not ok. Leave me alone and don’t try to use my experience with medical abuse, as an outlet for your own spite!

Hate that detransitioning means that others see you as either the enemy, or a broken toy to be put on display for shock value then tossed aside when it ceases to be entertaining. Disgusting


r/actual_detrans • • 2d ago

Support I think I'm going to give up.

10 Upvotes

Hi all. I don't really know where else to go with this so I hope you will all understand. I came out as FTM at 15, hormones less than a year later, top surgery at 16. I was on hormones for about 7 years until I realized I am not a man. My dysphoria has done a 180 and things that used to bring me joy bring great discomfort now. I hate my voice, facial hair, flat chest, etc.

I have been trying to live as a woman for years now and despite my best efforts I simply do not pass. I was a stealth trans man. It has shattered my heart trying and failing to live as a woman. I guess I could save up and get laser and try harder at voice training and everything but I'm tired. I didn't want detransitioning to be so much harder than my initial transition. I don't want to worry about gender anymore.

I think I am going to give up and live as a stealth trans man again. It is not who I am and it breaks my heart to go back. But I am so tired. I cannot keep trying so hard to convince people I am a woman.

Maybe some day I will try again. But I think I'm going to give up for now. Sorry everybody.


r/actual_detrans • • 2d ago

Timeline Thank god for breast forms & hair growth 🙏🏼 (pics from this week, detrans for 10 months, last pic from a year ago)

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32 Upvotes

r/actual_detrans • • 2d ago

Support needed Questioning again, not sure how to feel about it

5 Upvotes

So a few years back, I started questioning my gender. Trans man/nonbinary transmasc, something in that area. I had had this lingering allegiance (weird word, I know, but idk what else to call it) to and resonance with masculinity that I needed to embody. I was pretty freaked out realizing that maybe it went as far as my actual gender and body, but ultimately I did nothing medical, just name/pronoun and outfit/hair changes.

But a few years later, it just kinda fizzled out. I realized living as a woman didn't really bother me. I liked my name, I liked my body, I generally liked where I was at. There were some lingering things that didn't quite make sense--I still was feeling some gender envy from men, I couldn't really bring myself to do a lot of the feminine stuff I daydreamed about--but I thought old habits died hard and I'd figure it out with time, especially because I liked some of the feminine stuff, and some things that felt "too masculine" didn't really feel right either.

Anyway, literally a few days ago, something clicked and made me realize that maybe I'm experiencing some tension with my gender again. It was literally like a light switch, though. I've taken up swimming and had been wearing a women's swimsuit without issue. I'd just gotten a dress for my sister's wedding, was thinking about getting my nails done. I haven't really thought about my name or my pronouns, but suddenly I'm noticing and double checking everything.

I am trying and not really succeeding to freak out. Is it just my body image issues? I've gained weight and I also now have a condition that causes hair loss--is that the issue, like I just feel fat and bald so I feel unwomanly? Or have I actually wanted to be a man and repressed it for this long? I've been thinking about top surgery and T and it's kinda put me in a tailspin--do I actually want that? I was thinking about it last time, but I ended up kind of glad that I didn't--but if that's really the case, why am I back here now? Or will I end up glad I didn't do it in a few more years? Do I even have the guts to, like, change myself? It was a line I ended up not wanting to cross last time, but is this time the same idea? Am I just genderfluid? Every time I think about it, I'm like "nah that doesn't feel right", but clearly something about my gender identity is not fixed, so maybe it is that? I don't know if I'm looking so much for the answers to these questions as, like, a way to understand what this experience means. Which maybe is just as unanswerable as the questions themselves.

I hate bothering you good people because I know most of my experiences aren't super helpful to the community, but I don't really know who else to ask.


r/actual_detrans • • 2d ago

Advice needed My mom told me she’s glad I’m detransitioning because she doesn’t like men

10 Upvotes

I’m FtMtF. I am detransitioning because I don’t identify with being a man in the slightest, I initially transitioned for different reasons I had to work through, I am just a queer woman. All that’s to say, I’m not detransitioning due to pressure or safety, that was all fine.

I started social transition late 2020, and my mom was supportive… more or less. There were a few awkward bumps from being an uninformed parent, but those worked themselves out after about a year I’d say. It was also a little awkward because my mom was very vocal about being disgusted by the patriarchy and men right around when I started transition (never directed at me, just generally). That also toned down after about a year though. She was always just fully supportive since then, even saying she was proud of me when she really started to notice certain changes. It was fine, I was on T for around 4.5 years, and after those first hurdles my mom was totally normal about it, being the one to help me out with telling family too.

At the end of the day though, I’m not a man. I’ve been detransitioning for just under a year now. I haven’t been the most overt about it though until recently. Initially, I did say I was stopping T, and did mention I was detransitioning, but I danced around they/them, and I don’t think my mom fully knew which direction I was going (I didn’t either at first). If I’m not overt and very direct about something, she won’t change anything. We’ve been talking the last couple days, and I was finally direct about the new name I’d like, and not identifying with being a man at all anymore.

Later in the day she was like “Can I say something?” and in short, told me she was glad about all this, because she really doesn’t like men. She felt like “she lost one,” when I transitioned. And I guess I really don’t know how to feel? To be completely honest, I’m a gay woman and also very anti patriarchy. I don’t hate men (and I don’t think my mom is a a full blow misandrist either), but I do understand being… idk, tired of men? Tired of the patriarchy.

I feel some kind of way about it, but I can’t pinpoint it. If she was glad about it because I was no longer trans generally, I’d take obvious issue with that. But she’s not transphobic at all and it doesn’t stem from that. Maybe it’s just awkward to know that she wasn’t a fan this whole time deep down. But like, I also wasn’t a fan deep down so I don’t even know.